After The Fact

Storyline: Does knowing change anything?

Author's Note:

First off, I want to thank Randi for another invite to her annual Saint Paddy's Day event. I truly hope it isn't her last, but I understand her position. I've really enjoyed being a part of it. I always choose a subject that I believe she would enjoy reading and appreciate. Hopefully, this one meets those criteria.

This story is another one of my conversation offerings. It is between a husband and a wife. It takes place in about an hour. Hence, it is merely a snapshot in time. (that's a trigger warning for those that need all questions answered for them) Albeit one with profound and life-altering ramifications.

Real Knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.

Confucius

Story:

"Oh... my... God, Brandon. That was fantastic! Fifty-one-year-old Madison Jackson exclaimed breathlessly, as she flung herself off her husband and collapsed on the bed beside her him while panting heavily. Cowgirl was her favorite position, and tonight was no exception. Madison's advantage was that it gave her a sense of power and control over their love making and her enjoyment. She didn't really view it as a dominant submissive issue, but for the last several years it was the only way she would orgasm from intercourse. To be sure though, she did get a thrill from the presumed power of it too.

When they first married, Madison and Brandon's sex life was what could accurately be described as enthusiastic, but fairly tame. Madison wasn't all that experienced, so she had just assumed the missionary position was how sex was done. Over the years though she had grown to really enjoy sex and was willing to experiment much more. Now though, when they had sex, it was always this way. Brandon asked her about it numberless years ago.

Madison was honest with Brandon and openly discussed her reasons for enjoying cowgirl the most. He had just laughed and said he didn't mind for a couple of reasons. Not the least of which was because she had to do most of the work! The other was watching her facial contortions as she neared orgasm and the way her breasts bounced. He laughed that he was afraid the effect her wildly gyrating breasts had on him would eventually make him cross-eyed.

Brandon's only response to Madison's positive declaration to the success of their evening's union was a satiated, euphoric grunt. He was too physically spent and satiated to muster the energy to formulate a more coherent retort. The room became filled with a comfortable and familiar silence that only partners could experience having been in a solid long-term marriage. When a couple is in their fifties, this part is far more satisfying and meaningful than the sex act itself.

This was especially true for Madison. She lived for these moments. Alone in her thoughts, as she often did, let her mind drift through the numerous and varied stages of their life together. Sometimes the memories came to her so thick it would bring tears to her eyes. Their courtship and their stumbling first uncomfortable sexual experiences together. Their almost daily wonderings of how they would make their next month's rent. Their terror-filled days of starting their family with all the trials and tribulations they entailed. The pubescent and teenage angsts and rebellions from all three of their children as each tried to navigate their way out of childhood. Sometimes it all seemed so distant. She worried that they would eventually fade from her memory.

Now it was back to just the two of them. The circle of life was complete, and she felt it was a glorious and contented time. She was looking forward to the next phase of their lives with great anticipation. Grandkids.

When her breathing had returned to a somewhat normal pattern, Madison rolled back against Brandon and hooked her leg over his. She didn't care one bit that Brandon's once hard body from his twenties had evolved into a soft 'dad bod.' Afterall, her own figure now stood as a monument to having birthed and raised three children. Madison felt his chest hair against her cheek as she idly stroked his slowly deflating erection. Madison inhaled deeply as she savored their smell together, the familiar and sweet fragrant odor of their sex. She loved this part. Madison, without any serious forethought, and seeking only a routine validation of where they were in life, casually asked.

"Brandon, have you ever cheated on me?"

It was something she'd never asked him before. There was no reason to, so she spoke confidently. It definitely wasn't an accusation from an untrusting wife trying to catch an unfaithful spouse. It was an almost rhetorical request from a secure place in Madison's heart. She was simply looking for substantiation for the deep, soul-satisfying connection she felt with her husband of almost thirty years.

Upon hearing her question, Brandon drifted into a melancholy state. He clasped his hands behind his head. He turned his eyes and gazed inquisitively at his wife. He was looking for any hint from her expression that might give him information on how he should answer Maddie's sure-to-come follow-up questions. His outward demeanor notwithstanding, his mind had suddenly fallen into turmoil.

He wondered if Dr. Vicksburg's warnings would finally come to pass. He sighed again. He had always felt that he had a fifty-fifty chance that his wife would ever ask him this question. After an extended and emotional period grappling with how he would answer her, Brandon had long ago settled on, if asked, he would tell the truth. If not, he would take it to his grave with him. He wouldn't lie. He couldn't, could he?

But, life had been good for him since then. Very good. What was there to be gained from confronting the hard truth at this point? After all, it was ancient history. What would be the point of hurting her now? And he didn't doubt it would hurt her deeply. It would possibly signal the end of what was a good marriage. It was at least better than most guys he knew. Lying would have been so easy, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. It wasn't in his DNA.

Brandon had ages ago made peace with his past actions and personal failings. So, he was not at all emotional or apologetic with his response. Maybe he was more resigned than detached? Almost twenty years had passed since he spent the weekend in another woman's bed. He also accepted that Madison's reaction to his revelation would be far different than his. Oh well, change is inevitable. The tricky part was how to control the ramifications, he had mused many times.

Still, having come to those conclusions in the abstract was far different than directly facing the cold hard reality of a confrontation with Maddie. He exhaled sadly. It didn't escape him that before they married all those decades ago, they had both discussed their position on fidelity as a policy of one and done, period. End of story.

Brandon had correctly assumed that Madison was certain of his fidelity right up until a few moments ago. "Maybe her position has changed over the years?" He sarcastically snickered silently to himself. He wasn't confident that was the case. It had taken him almost twenty years to accept what he had done. What's done is done, nothing to do now but deal with the consequences.

He remembered his therapist telling him that if he didn't talk about what he had done soon, one day there would most likely be an ugly reckoning. I guess tonight is that night. What if I had told her right after I had done it? Would that have been better? Would we be anywhere close to where we are now. Or would it have fallen apart long ago? What about our kids? What would have become of them?

Brandon spoke with a sense of tranquility that time had purchased for him. He paused for a moment. Then he cautiously released another long, deep, slow breath before speaking.

"Only once, Sweetheart."

Madison had closed her eyes blissfully awaiting verification of the loving marriage she knew she enjoyed. Her eyes shot open as she flinched sharply. She snapped into a kneeling position over Brandon's midsection. When Madison looked into his eyes, she immediately knew he wasn't joking. It confirmed what she already deduced from his manner of speech. She stared into his eyes. "What the hell, Brandon? What did you just say?" She started to hyperventilate. "WHAT... DID... YOU... JUST... SAY?" She repeated with a deep growl in a state of shocked anger she had never experienced before.

Madison, as she continued to straddle him, began to furiously pummel Brandon's chest with both fists. She was screaming obscenities he didn't even know she could pronounce. Her tears splattered on him. He waited for her to wind herself down. It seemed to take forever. Finally, physically exhausted, Madison stumbled from their marital bed. Perhaps for the last time? She threw on her robe and retreated from the room without bothering to tie it. No matter. They were alone now, their three children having long ago left the nest to begin their own life journeys.

Believing that discretion was the better part of valor in this situation, Brandon didn't follow her straightaway. He continued to lay in their bed silently, contemplating his next moves. He could hear her slamming cabinet doors, glass shattering as objects crashed onto the terra-cotta tile floor of the kitchen. Then there was the furniture being upended.

In between the sounds of destruction were Madison's loud bouts of sobbing. After things quieted down, Brandon pulled on his sleep shorts and headed to the kitchen for the confrontation he had hoped would never come. Was he walking the Green Mile? Time would tell.

Madison had finally exhausted herself, leaving her completely spent because of the intensity of her unrestrained fury. Madison surveyed the damage she had wrought to her kitchen, which she loved so much. She thought quickly that what she was observing was an apt metaphor for the destruction of her marriage. To avoid collapsing, she braced herself against the stainless-steel double basin sink. How could he do this to me? The man I know couldn't have done this to us. Did I ever know him? What do I do now? She couldn't rationally process information in her current state. I have to get out of here. I can't breathe! I need to...

When he had reached the kitchen, Brandon casually folded his arms, crossed his bare legs, and leaned up against the door jamb unnoticed. He carefully surveyed the carnage that met his eyes. A dazed Madison was leaning over the sink grasping the counter's edge with both hands and slowly shaking her head. There were broken dishes and glasses strewn about haphazardly. There was an upper cabinet door hanging loosely from its one remaining hinge. None of the four chairs at the island counter remained upright. Brandon noticed she was barefoot, and he hoped she hadn't lacerated one or both of her feet. He watched her begin to hyperventilate when he noticed it.

"Maddie, you're bleeding, your foot." No response. He repeated himself, much louder this time. "Maddie, honey, you're bleeding!" He was alarmed even though it didn't appear to be a serious cut.

"Dammit, Brandon! Forget my foot. What the hell did you do?" Her distress was obvious. Ten minutes ago, she thought she had one of the best marriages in the world. Now, here she was standing, practically naked in her destroyed kitchen in the middle of the night, bleeding and confronting a cheating husband. Actions from someone she would have never suspected in a million years. "You cheat on me, and the first thing you say is, 'my foot is bleeding?'"

"Really, sweetheart, your foot... is... bleeding." He pointed towards it unnecessarily.

"For god's sake, Brandon! Forget my damn foot? How the hell could you do this to me, to us, to our family?" Ten minutes had changed every perception of the marriage she thought she had. Really, she had always been the envy of her friends. They jokingly referred to them as 'Ken and Barbie.' Now she found herself in the middle of an unimaginable nightmare.

Brandon didn't speak for several moments but nodded his head in acknowledgment as to the legitimacy of her question. He gave a heartbroken shrug as he remembered. The pain weighed like an anvil on his chest.

"I wanted to give the kids as normal a childhood as possible in a two-parent household." He was choking up remembering the nightmarish memories of that time. "It was the only way that I could see to salvage our marriage." His voice sounded weak and tired.

"What the hell are you talking about, Brandon? Are you crazy?" Madison had now angrily turned to face him. "That's the stupidest thing you've ever said!"

Brandon began to tear up. He quickly tried to wipe the dampness from his eyes. "Well, after you cheated on me with Clinton Brookhaven, on that business trip you took twenty years ago..." He never got to finish his statement. His declaration was interrupted by the sound of Madison collapsing onto the floor in a sitting position in stunned disbelief. Her eyes pleading, her jaw was moving but no words were forthcoming. All she could do was sputter incoherently. As Brandon watched, frozen unable to react to the tableau unfolding before him, Madison fainted and slid sideways to the tile floor unconscious.

There, it was. Naked unto them both. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and no turning back. They both had to deal with it now. Brandon remembered how badly he had wanted to hurt her when she returned from that business trip. He had a visceral and raging need to shove her infidelity down her throat. He wanted to be the one to go into a furor. He wanted to be the one to go into a tantrum and throw things around the house. He had wanted to destroy everything they had accumulated in their ten years together.

He especially recalled wanting to confront her with her betrayal, even tell their young children what a slut their mom was. He wanted to throw their wedding photo into the roaring fireplace when she returned from her assignation. He wanted to scream at her, call her vicious vile names. He fantasized about shaking her viciously demanding to know why. It was a good thing she didn't return home for a few days after he found out about her treachery. He had time to think, to contemplate what the future might be for him and his children. It wasn't a pretty picture.

Brandon, having recovered from his thoughts, finally scurried to her side. She was exhibiting signs of going into shock. Although breathing, she was extremely pale, had a rapid pulse with quick shallow breaths. He quickly grabbed a towel and wet it, then placed it on her forehead as he shifted her to an upright sitting position. He became frightened at the thought his revelation may have killed his wife. He called her name several times and gently shook her. She appeared to be coming around. "Maddie, Maddie, wake up!"

The gravity and ferociousness of Madison's reaction didn't shock Brandon. His therapist had warned him how cheaters rationalize their behavior. 'It's not as if they support infidelity, it's just that its impact is diminished over time. Everyone needs to believe they are good and ethical.' He also told Brandon that 'all of us excuse our bad behavior to the point where it, at the very least, no longer paints us in a bad light.' Oddly, the one-time cheater tended to suffer more guilt than a recurrent unfaithful spouse, he had been told. No one wants to believe they are a bad person. They must reconcile their indiscretions with their current and unshakable belief that they are moral and good. They rationalize their bad behavior as a necessary act of self-defense. A unique trait of human beings is their unlimited capacity for self-delusion. Brandon assumed this to be true in Madison's case.

Madison shook her head trying to clear the mental cobwebs. She was stunned. It was a shocking revelation. She was having trouble wrapping her head around the ramifications of what Brandon had just told her. Her carefully crafted world. The one in which she was so comfortable wearing the mantel as the controlling partner position in her marriage to an unsuspecting husband, had been a hollow falsehood. Her confused gaze came into focus as she stared into Brandon's eyes. Her stare followed him as he slowly sat next to her.

"B-B-Brandon, I-I-I don't know, don't know what to say..." Her voice tailed off without finishing her sentence. An uncomfortable silence settled between them. Her mind was racing, desperately trying to maintain some semblance of control and minimize what she had done all those years ago. But the anger she felt towards Brandon overwhelmed her many other thoughts. How could he?

Over the years, Madison had come to accept the fact that she had strayed but took pride in the fact she had maintained her secret. It was one that she periodically enjoyed remembering. Sometimes, in the ensuing years, she took a delicious guilty pleasure in that experience. Madison knew in her heart; it was an adventure that her husband never had.

Madison had also come to believe that her memories of the nights she spent with Clinton were actually a good thing. It helped her cope with the stresses of marriage, motherhood, work, etc. Oh, she was sorry she had cheated and never again had done so. Some tiny residual feelings of guilt certainly remained, but those were overpowered by her pretenses. Honestly, over time her dalliance had mostly morphed into a soothing little guilty pleasure. Being able to keep that a secret had transformed into a comfortable feeling of superiority. She wasn't really smug about it, but it did give her comfort that she had her world under control. She could finally enjoy the satisfying feeling of the naughtiness from her weekend fling without that nagging guilt that plagued her for the first several years following her liaison.

Even now, at this crucial time, she couldn't help but think back to that incident. It made her shiver as she remembered... God, it felt so good, she was so alive, when Clinton had started flirting with her. Her body tingled all over. The sexual innuendo, the light touches, the flirty dancing eyes devouring her body. It was all so, so surreal. It seemed almost an out-of-body experience for her. One minute, it was a sensual dance of seduction, and the next moment, she was spending several nights in Clinton's bed doing things she never thought she was capable of, over and over again. Besides, she firmly believed Brandon had become the beneficiary of her education during that week.

She shook herself out of her reverie as Madison realized Brandon was speaking to her.

"Maddie, Sweetheart, are you with me? I need to explain why."

While Madison couldn't respond verbally, she beckoned for him to continue by weakly rolling her hand at him.

"It wasn't an easy decision, and I didn't come to it lightly. I had tremendous difficulty in dealing with it.

"I underwent months of therapy through work so you wouldn't know. My anger had receded to a point that allowed me to look at things more rationally. I came to realize that what you did was a one off. I understood you weren't a promiscuous slut. I accepted that it was just something that happened..."

"B-b-but, if you were coming to grips with it. If your anger was coming under control, then why not just leave it alone? You told me that you accepted that I wasn't unhappy with our marriage, that I wasn't promiscuous, that it was just 'something that happened,' why couldn't you just let it go?" Madison began to cry again as she pleaded with him. They were tears of anger and frustration now. "I can't believe you cheated on me!" She practically screamed at him. He briefly thought about moving away from her to avoid getting hit in the chest again.

Before he could reposition himself though, Madison had a sudden thought. "Why couldn't you just have said no when I asked? Why tell me the truth? It would have been so much better if I didn't know." Her sobbing was taking on a sense of desperation which only fueled her anger further. "You've ruined everything." She began to stutter and choke repeatedly. "I know, you did it out of revenge, didn't you? You're punishing me for something that happened over twenty years ago. You, bastard!" Madison collapsed back into her chair and put her head into her arms, sobbing incessantly. The irony of her diatribe was completely lost on her. It was just as his therapist had predicted.

Brandon waited until she calmed down again. Her pain was obvious, and back then, he would have reveled in her suffering, but he was long past wanting revenge. He did, however, need her to understand why.

"All those things are true, Maddie. I was just getting to the point where I wanted to simply move on with my life with my family intact. I had accepted that, although damaged, our marriage could go on. My focus at that point was to try and reconnect with you.

"Then one night, after I had reached some level of acceptance that I could live with, we were making love, and you didn't really seem to be into it. You were somehow distant from me, like you were somewhere else. All of a sudden, just as I was about to give up, it was like you threw a light switch. You became extremely vocal and enthusiastic. Your newfound arousal became immediately obvious to me. That's when it struck me like a ton of bricks. You weren't thinking of me, of us. You were thinking about you... and... him. That crushed me. It undid everything Dr. Vicksburg and I had worked on up to that point. I know you remember that night, Maddie."

Madison shook her head and started to speak, but Brandon quickly interrupted. "Don't lie to me Maddie." He warned as he wagged a finger at her. "You know it's true."

"Okay, Brandon. Yes, it was true. And that was the moment that I thought it was possible you knew what I had done, because you didn't touch me again for almost a month." She was shocked to see Brandon smile.

"Why are you smiling, you, Bastard! It isn't funny." She ranted.

"No, Maddie, it isn't funny, at all. My smile was remembering how easy it was to convince you it was just stress from work." His smile never wavered as he continued. "It reminded me of how easy it was for you to have deceived me. I never once saw one iota of guilt from you. Were you ever going to tell me, Maddie?" Brandon silently chided himself. That's not what this is about now, stay focused.

"Please, Brandon. You have to know, I did suffer tremendous guilt over what I had done. I felt horrible. I couldn't bear the pain I had caused you." But, I too wanted to keep our family together. I remembered vividly our 'one and done talk,' so I was going to keep it to myself. Would I ever have told you, maybe in our old age." She casually lied. She fully intended to take it to her grave with her. Afterall, she loved Brandon completely and telling him would only serve to hurt him unnecessarily. As the leader of their partnership, she had felt morally entitled to make that decision.

Brandon acknowledged her statement. "I assumed you did feel some guilt and later accepted that it was because you had the same goal as I did, keep the family together. But when I knew you were thinking of him while making love to me, well, that's the point I couldn't let it go. I had to do something. I was thinking divorce was the only answer. I had made up my mind. I couldn't live like that for the rest of my life. You know, wondering who you were making love with on any given night." He hesitated, unsure about continuing. But he was in too deep now. He had to continue. "That's when I came up with my plan."

"Your plan?"

"Yeah, my plan. It was simple, if not an act of desperation. I would cheat on you, not really in retaliation, but to keep our marriage on an equal playing field..."

"What the hell does that mean, Brandon? An equal playing field! Bullshit! You just wanted your petty revenge to get even with me..."

"No, I didn't!" He shouted, stunning Madison who flinched sharply. "I wanted to be even with you. That's different..."

Madison snapped in anger. "That's horseshit, Brandon. Explain yourself, please." She harumphed unbelieving at him. She folded her arms across her chest in a huff and leaned away from him. She stared at him, almost daring him to make sense of his last statement.

He waited before responding. If Brandon had been completely honest with himself, this was, not when he had sex with another woman, the moment of his revenge. If revenge was a motivating factor at all, now was the time. However, he recognized that if he went down this road, it could be a one-way drive with no way back. Stay focused!

As he eyed Madison, he couldn't help himself. She was still beautiful to him. In her angst, she was unaware her robe had opened fully. Her arms were crossed, supporting her unencumbered breasts. Her chest was heaving, not from lust, but the effect was the same for Brandon. He loved his wife's breasts. He fondly remembered the first time he was allowed to gaze lustfully upon them. Her perfect dark brown areola complimented her Mediterranean skin exquisitely. Madison's pin-pointed nipples were rock hard and aimed directly at him, causing him to think if this was the right thing to do. This could be the last time he would ever see them. Part of him wanted to reach out and cup her twins, as he often referred to them, in his palms. He longed to gently flick her nipples with his thumbs as he had done so many times before. That was the moment he nearly lost courage.

"Jesus, Christ, Brandon. Our world is falling apart, and you're staring at my tits?" She interrupted, snapping him out of his reminiscences.

When Brandon looked into Madison's eyes, he knew she was mocking him. They both laughed cautiously, breaking the tension considerably and renewing Brandon's courage and focus.

Madison spoke first. "Honestly, Brandon. How did you find out? I didn't plan on cheating..."

"I don't believe you, Maddie." Brandon broke in. "I was going to slip a love note into your suitcase after you packed it and left it on the bed. When I opened it up, I saw several sets of sexy lingerie I hadn't seen before. I thought, what the hell? Why does she need lingerie to go on a business trip? That was the first business trip you had ever been on!" Brandon remembered the sharp pain in his chest he had felt when he saw it. It had shattered his heart and turned his world upside down.

"Brandon, honey, honestly, I really didn't have a plan to cheat. My plan was to escape the oppressive routine of my world. The underwear was just to make me feel desirable, sexy, and attractive. I was feeling really, really, low at the time. I needed it for me. I know it sounds trite, but you have to believe me, I didn't have a plan. I wasn't going with the intent to meet anyone. It was just, well, I had too much to drink one evening, and, and..." Madison simply stopped. It sounded weak even to her. But, at the time, it was what she felt. If she were honest with herself, maybe she didn't intend to cheat, but her thoughts and actions made her far more receptive to any opportunity that might have presented itself. Brandon remained silent and frozen in place.

"How? How did you know, I mean, that I had really been unfaithful?"

"I'm not sure that's really important, Maddie, but I had a friend in the town where you were staying. I texted a photo and let him know where you were staying... What does it matter anyway?" He dismissively questioned.

"I suppose it doesn't." Madison was much more contrite at this point, her attempt at deflecting having been overcome, by Brandon's rational response.

"Maddie, I wanted our marriage to continue, but on an equitable footing. I always looked at it as a partnership. I wanted us to be able to continue as equals. I wanted to share the illicit thrill you must have felt. I wanted to share the guilt. And every other emotion that you would have experienced, I needed to share those experiences. I think you would agree with me that just as you became a better wife after your... well, maybe out of necessity, I became a better husband. It sounds weird I know, but that's how I looked at it." He was searching for the right words.

"And before you ask, yes, just like you did... on occasion I would think about her... when things between us weren't, well you know." He stuttered. "I, I, I wanted us to be even." Brandon continued to stumble over his words, trying to find the right ones to explain himself. "And, in my mind we were." Brandon expected Madison to blow up again, but she didn't. She just seemed further defeated.

"Listen, Maddie. I know what you're going through right now. I've been there. There must be several conflicting emotions running through your mind. Hurt, anger, and a deep sense of loss. Even confusion. I'm sure a part of you wants to physically hurt me, again." Brandon involuntarily rubbed his chest as he was speaking. "The list goes on and on. I have to tell you that you're going to feel these emotions for quite a while, trying to sort everything in your head. I just want you to know, whatever you decide is okay with me..."

"What the hell are you talking about, Brandon? Don't you even care? Look at what you've done to us!"

"I assure you, Maddie. I care deeply. It's just that I processed your cheating a long time ago. So, none of these emotions are new to me. What I mean to say is, if you want a divorce, I'm okay with that..."

"A divorce, a divorce, Christ, Brandon..." Brandon abruptly interrupted Madison.

He raised his arms in a placating motion. "What I mean, Maddie, is, that I will go along with whatever you decide. Separation, divorce, counseling, whatever..."

"Go on, go on! How the hell can we go on like nothing happened! Are you insane?"

"That's what I'm trying to say, Maddie. It's your decision." Brandon spoke with a sense of resignation. He knew and had long expected that when the confrontation reached this point, he was no longer in control of the outcome.

"Maddie, I don't know if the old saying, 'time heals all wounds' is actually true. However, I do know from personal experience the passage of time dulls the pain. It took years, but as time went by my pain diminished considerably. Maybe that's something you might want to consider going forward."

He never forgot what Doctor Vicksburg had told him when Brandon had outlined his plan for keeping his marriage intact. "Brandon, that isn't just a bad plan. It is a spectacularly bad plan. In all my years of counseling, I have never, I mean never, seen a positive outcome when the offended spouse cheats to get even."

Brandon considered carefully what the doctor had told him. But, from his point of view, his marriage was already over, so he had nothing to lose. Besides, in his mind, the cheating, the sex act itself, wasn't what was important. It was the principle of keeping the marriage on an equal footing to try and maintain a stable environment for his kids to grow up in.

"Maddie, I've been through everything you will experience over the next weeks, even months, as you consider what you need to do. For example, the kids. A great deal of my contemplations involved how your actions affected our kids..."

"That was twenty years ago, Brandon. They are grown and gone; this has nothing to do with them!" Madison barked defensively. "There's no need to involve them!"

"No? Let's say you decide to divorce me. What do you think their reaction is going to be when I tell them you cheated on me twenty years ago?" Madison's head shot up angrily at that point. "Admittedly, the kids were a lot younger and needed us more. But, if I had decided to divorce you, it would have torn my heart apart just thinking one or all of them would get mad at me for breaking up the family. They were too young to understand what happened. Now, they are certainly old enough to make up their own minds. They might think poorly of you for destroying our family for something that happened so long ago. How will your relationship with them be going forward? What about grandkids. Could your actions have an impact on them?

"But, consider this, a bigger issue, especially with your daughters is, all the times you spoke to them about honesty and doing the right thing. I remember your conversation with Eden before her wedding. You know the part about always honoring your husband, he comes first, don't disrespect him to your friends, etc., etc. What do you believe she will think then, about the hypocrisy of her mother?

"Oh yeah, you have to take the kids into account as you decide what to do." Brandon noticed a wave of recognition on Madison's face. Yes, you have a much more complicated decision to make than you thought, don't you? You might not know the half of it yet. You certainly don't know the painful choices, emotions, and doubts that are yet to come.

"Listen, Maddie. I had another strong motivation when I cheated. I thought about it a lot beforehand. While I had accepted that we could go on, I knew that although I could forgive your infidelity to the point of moving on together, I would never forget it. I thought that if I had a secret too, I would be less likely to blurt out your deceit sometime down the road when we were in the middle of a heated argument..."

"Bullshit, Brandon! That is such a crock..."

"No, no, really. One of the things Dr. Vicksburg told me early in my counseling was that forgiveness and forgetting are two distinctly different things. You can forgive but you will never forget. So, I was worried in the emotion of an argument I would throw it in your face. That would lead us down the very path I was trying to avoid. I still wouldn't have done it though, if it hadn't been for that, that night, anyway." Brandon looked a little sheepish. "I guess, well I guess, I looked at it as an insurance policy for me? After working so hard to overcome... everything... I didn't want to flush it down the drain needlessly."

At that point, Madison became inconsolable. She was wracked with fear, guilt, and sorrow. Her keening was the only sound to be heard. Brandon became embarrassed and started to walk away, leaving Maddie to her demons. The same demons he had to face all those years ago. He thought he had buried them permanently, but seeing Maddie's emotional tailspin was forcing them back to the surface. He wanted to be alone to fight his own dark shadows.

"Wait, Brandon. What am I supposed to do? What do you want from me?"

Brandon slowly turned around to face her. He still cared for her, even loved her probably, but this was her nightmare to deal with now. He wasn't going to be forced to relive his, for her sake.

"Thanks for asking, but I don't think it's my decision to make. This... is all on you. I made mine twenty years ago. Now it's your decision to make. I will be at peace with whatever you decide..."

"I need your help, Brandon." She interrupted, howling like a wounded animal. "That's not fair!"

"Isn't it though, Maddie?" Brandon turned away from her and quietly left the room.

Any fool can know. The point is to understand.

Albert Einstein