Split Tree Resort Remodeled 01

Split Tree Resort Remodeled 01

[A fairly quiet Thursday afternoon at the Split Tree Resort except for all the background noise of the remodeling crews, which is actually on schedule and, and, and, no matter who says what, it's not a myth that plumbers butt crack is 'ick, ewe, ick' gross]

"[Rocks back and forth in the comfy front desk chair] hmm, I like filling in at the front desk because it's comfy and it's quiet and Twiddle Dee has all these little gadgets on her desk and she left for me [finger fans the rows of sicky notes] all of these little sticky notes so I get everything just right and I could get used to this cushy job because I can talk to myself and not be thought of as crazy like everyone thinks I am now..."

"[Ring, ring, ring, ring]"

"Ooh, it's time to get to work!"

[Hits the 'answer call with speaker' tab, even though the very first sticky note, the top stick note, clearly says in big print 'Do Not Ever Answer the Telephone on Speaker Phone]

"Hello, thank you for calling the Split Tree Resort. I'm Coo-Coo and I'm usually Coo-Coo from the Coco counter in the Community Hut, but today I'm temporarily filling in at the front desk for Twiddle Dee because she's at the Clinic with Head Nurse Swallows having hand surgery because that's how many people she has wrapped around her fingers, mm-hmm. And I wear my midnight black hair in a short and flared out bob cut because that's what I do and because I've been told before that my back has a certain alluring charm to it and that started back in school and that was reaffirmed recently by the dirt bikers during our resort's dirt biking weekend a few weeks ago, mm-hmm!"

"[Phone caller] well, this is new, Coo-Coo because..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] and how that started was when a few of the dirt bikers almost caught me totally topless because I absent mindedly crawled out of bed during the coed sleep over as I strolled towards the bathroom, where once I looked in the mirror, I went all 'eek, eek, eek, I'm topless' because I was just in my undies! But then I found four regular band aids in the cabinet and since I'm a gold card holder in the itty-bitty-titty committee, a "X" on the left and a "X" on the right, saved the day, but everybody got an eyeful of my bare back as I continued to walk around the coed sleeping cabin for the rest of the morning that way and they all said nice things about me, so? Well, a few of the dirt biker dudes started to call me 'X-Aid', but they're all gone, so, how may I help you, hmm?"

"[Phone caller] well, I should have known better to call the resort on the day when Twiddle Dee was away because..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] oh, and speaking of Twiddle Dee, she left a sticky note to remind anyone who calls that we are very excited for how many event weekends in a row are booked solid and we're all very excited for this weekend's Velma party, which is on track with the cabins selling out fast, so?"

"[Phone caller] whew, because that could have been worse, especially since I'm calling you on speaker phone from my office as I have my nails done because I'm..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] and I plan on working my Coco counter on the day of the Velma party in an orange fishnet pullover shirt with orange disc pasties without fear because of that itty-bitty-titties thing, so?"

"[Phone caller] well, now I've almost forgotten why I called the resort in the first place because..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] and then Twiddle Dee left me another sticky note to deny, deny, deny and deny some more that there is a 'Sister Nuns Have Bodies Too' party in two weekends because that would put the Superior Mother on the hunt! Besides, it's barely more than a sexy nun lingerie photo shoot party in the Community Hut while modeling and posing in sexy nun mind-boggling costumes on Thursday afternoons when the Superior Mother is up in the big city attending a Bond meeting with the mayor because..."

[A faint gasping from a maturing voice is heard in the background of the speaker phone connection]

"[Tap, tap, tap] because as Sister in training Wendy said and I quote, 'OMG, we sustain from sex, but we think about it all the time!' end quote."

[A staggering gasp is heard in the background of the speaker phone connection]

"[Tap, tap, tap] and I'm not sure if it's a convent or a coven or a cult, but since when do Sisters in training, like Sister Rita, have 'Milk Me' tattooed across the heave of her boobs, unless she a convict in disguise from Denver, hmm? Unless that's the reason brimstone and fire was invented because..."

[Someone in the background is staggering s hard that a fainting spell is possible]

"[Tap, tap, tap] anyways, per this sticky note, I deny that there was a quick visit to the male staffers cabin to repent this morning after the 'holy thigh meat' garter belt photo shoot earlier, but the singing of praise was noticeable, so, why did you call the resort anyways? I mean, whoever you are, you got me off track, so, how may I help you, hmm?"

[The faint sound of someone plopping down while passing out was heard in the background of the speaker call]

"[Phone caller gasping) oh, my word, Coo-Coo, this is Mayor Mookie Mootz and I'm having a Bond meeting with the Superior Mother in my office as we speak on speaker phone, all while I get my nails done and..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] oh, shoot, um, hi mayor, I mean, are you calling to find out who explained to visiting Sister Nun in training, Aussie Sister Shelia, that the good book may cover the praising of the morning glory, but the good book may not have covered the praising of the morning wood because I swear it, it wasn't me, so?"

"[The mayor] OMG! I'm burning in hell now! (Giggles) but I'll take the bait anyways, what did the visiting Sister in training, Aussie Sister Shelia say back to that, hmm? And the fleshy thighs Superior Mother is passed out, so, just say it, Coo-Coo (clock)."

"[Tap, tap, tap] she said 'it does now' (giggles) and booked it away like a track star with her copy of the good book under her arm. And with Sister Rita and Sister Dolly close behind. But that's not important right now, Mayor Mootz, because what's important is how the male staffers cabin has been sending me so many nice internal resort e-mails for their morning prayer services and to find out if you will be gracing the Velma party with your presence this weekend, so?"

"Excuse me, Coo-Coo, me, in orange? I'm the mayor and I rule red, red I say! Also, I still can't even remember why I called the resort in the first place, but it will come to me, you know, if I survive this phone call because..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] was it to scold me or squeal on me because I lingered around your cabin too long after I delivered a jug of Coco to your private summer villa cabin while you were hosting a City Hall mixer three weeks ago, hmm? Because Gabby Gabi told me that you can judge a possible boyfriend date by looking at this father and that guy, Mr. Franklin, might be handsome and maybe has a son, so?"

"[The mayor] oh, finally, something normal to talk about. Um, Councilman Franklin is a handsome man with perfect salt and pepper hair, but his son may or may not have a regular habit of feeling me up after every council meeting, so, I mean, keep your options open, wide open, Coo-Coo (bird). And by the way, since I now own a 1/3rd of the resort and I now know everybody, just who is Gabby Gabi, hmm?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] oh, Gabby Gabi is Chatty Catty Cathy, but I call her Gabby Gabi because she just gabs on and on and on and on about every little thing, so?"

"[The mayor slaps her forehead in the middle, right between the part in her luscious dark hair] anyways, Coo-Coo, I need to end this call because I still can't even remember why I called in the first place, but leave Twiddle Dee a sticky note back that says 'dear Twiddle Dee, don't leave anymore sticky notes for Coo-Coo from the Coco counter when she fills in for you the front desk, XOXO, the Mayor', okay?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] got it, mayor [scribbles, scribbles] dear Twiddle Dee, I did not see what I saw on the mayor's cabin hidden kitchen camera video from the sugar jar, next to the flour jar, but that woman sure can dirty dance a dirty dance in a red evening dress, mm-hmm!"

"(Giggles) thanks, I think, wait, there's a kitchen camera in my cabin's kitchen? And is that exactly the same as there won't be a camera in cabin kitchen soon, hmm? Like if a certain crazy kooky girl named Colleen, who everyone refers to as Coo-Coo from the Coco counter in the Community Hut has access to my old red spray-painted golf cart, hmm? Because I just remembered why I called and it's because today is the delivery day for my two new customized and personalized candy apple red high powered golf carts that have 'Mookie Moo' painted across the rear in fancy wavy lettering, hmm?"

[A badass deep silver gray four door pickup truck with a large and long trailer pulls up in the circle driveway and smoothly glided it to a stop]

"[Tap, tap, tap] they just pulled in, mayor and I'll personally hand wash your Delicates tonight since I'm going to be inside of your cabin with wire clippers and pliers anyways and then I'll work on getting more dirty dirt on the convent coven of convict sister witches this weekend, so (giggles) mayor, can I send a work order to Gabby Gabi, our golf cart mechanic, to freshen up the spray paint, hmm?"

"Well played, kooky Coo-Coo, well played, the mayor is out (giggles), like the Superior Mother is out with her spread and sprawled out meaty thighs [click]."

"[Tap, tap, tap] huh, that was the best sticky note that Twiddle Dee left for me [twists and turns in the comfy chair] so [tap, tap, tap, enter] one work order sent and [tap, tap, tap, enter] another work order sent and this job is so much better working at the Coco counter because..."

[The lobby double doors swing open like a breeze. Well, an awkward breeze because there wasn't much swag in his stumbling strut]

"Hi, I can clearly see you there behind the resort's front desk, but can I ring the little ding-a-ling bell anyways, huh? I mean, I don't get out much, so?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] do you eat Dragon Fruit? Because the inside colors and the outside colors don't match up at all, so, some may say they are not a perfect match, even though they grow ripe together, so?"

"Oh, that's a very kooky crazy thing to ask and say, so, um, my answer is 42, the universally accepted answer for everything, um, I'm Joel from the Golf Cart Factory up in the big city and I have a delivery for..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, you have a delivery for two new customized and personalized candy apple red high powered golf carts that have 'Mookie Moo' painted across the rear in fancy wavy lettering. I'm Coo-Coo from the Coco counter in the Community Hut, temporarily filling in for Twiddle Dee and we've been expecting you, especially since the coconuts that you purchase at the grocery store produce have a teeny tiny starter puncture hole drilled in the top, with an arrow sticker and a stabbing stick, because normal people need that kind of help with coconuts or risk injury with a knife, so?"

"I mean, that was almost word for word with what my delivery work order says, so, that's kooky crazy too. Well, not the part about the produce section coconuts because I didn't know that, but..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] if you dare ask me, Joel, I'm almost 20 and just barely a woman and if you're aged beyond 22, I mean, there are age gap limit rules that can't be ignored because people will talk, so?"

"Ugh, I mean, Coo-Coo (clock), I mean, I'm not sure that I dare say or ask anything right now, other than for a signature on my delivery work order, but I am exactly 22 and..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] will you be staying over for this Saturday night's Velma party, Joel, hmm? I plan on working my Coco counter during the party while wearing an orange fishnet pullover while wearing orange disc pasties and with my shorter hair, I'll be the one mistaken for a boy and I'm not ashamed of that, nor am I worried that you just checked me out to verify that I'm a leader in the itty-bitty-titties club because I am who and what I am and it's beyond me why my friends and co-workers thing I'm kooky crazy, mm-hmm! And by the way, Joel, the Velma party is the internet Velma and not the dorky cartoon Velma, so?"

"Um, can I pass out on the lobby's couch for a couple of minutes, Coo-Coo (bird) because all of a sudden, I'm feeling a little faint and woozy and maybe even a little..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] not now, Joel, because this is the point in our relationship where you say "um, Coo-Coo, why isn't it a Daphne and Velma party because Daphne and Velma go together like eggs and bacon" or something like that. Also, I can see that your right arm is vibrating, so, you can ring the dang, ding, dong, ding-a-ling bell."

[Joel just can't resist, even though he has never eaten Dragon Fruit]

"Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding [and Coo-Coo's dainty covers the bell ringing stem] wow, that was fun because like I said, I don't get out much. Also, um, why isn't it a Daphne and Velma party because Daphne and Velma go together like eggs and bacon, huh?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, because the Velma party is sponsored by the three Purple Preppies from up in the big city and they are announcing the lady's choice party as a Velma party because when the three of them grace the party as three purple Daphne's, I mean, they will stand out more, so?"

"That's, that's, that's kooky crazy cool ass dirty pool, Coo-Coo! But listen, it's Thursday afternoon and you just said the party is on Saturday and I have to work tomorrow Friday and Saturday morning and..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] do you believe that a Blood Orchid is a real flower?"

"I mean, it was in that snake movie [ding, ding, ding], so, my answer is again, the universally accepted answer of everything, 42 because..."

[Three familiar figures soft step through the lobby double doors with seemingly heavenly backlighting and with the heads lowered and their hands in praying position about cleavage high on their chests]

[Boom, crash, slam, bang, three familiar faces blast through the lobby's double doors]

"[Ding, ding, ding] Coo-Coo, we just heard that the Superior Mother developed breathing problems during her Bond meeting with the mayor and she's being held overnight up in the big city at Head Nurse Swallows' clinic and we felt it appropriate that we three check that the beds are properly made in the male staffers cabin because that's important. And we'll repent our sweet sacred asses off tomorrow, we collectively say, if you might happen to have a 'do not disturb' door sign or something, so?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, it's called a hand towel, ladies! Just like how the Superior Mother does it when Pastor Barry comes around the collect the donation, mm-hmm! Now, do I need to point the way, sacred ladies, hmm? Because I'm trying to seduce a boyfriend date for the weekend here!!!! [Points like a rock star with a microphone]."

[Swish, swoosh, whoosh, robes and veils a flying in the breeze and ooh, the Nun Witch Sister's found garter belts to highlight their sacred thighs that lead to their sweet sacred asses!]

[Ping, an incoming internal resort message] Coo-Coo, you need to work the front desk more often! This is kooky kinky, but we collectively love you!"

"[Back to the stunned Joel] wait a minute, Coo-Coo, wait a minute here because I've been trying to seduce you and I just put out my [counts on fingers] my four best moves on you! Also, you heard me say that I don't get out much, right??

[Coo-Coo blankly stares upward while trying to recall even one move and then reads back three times and still cannot find one move. And then reads back one more time just in case and nope, there were moves that would qualify as a move]

"[Tap, tap, tap, what would Twiddle Dee do here, oh, yeah, scream out] next!"

[But another sticky note catches her eye]

"[Tap, tap, tap] oh, this job never quits [squeak, squawk] attention, Gabby Gabi, aka, Chatty Catty Cathy, the delivery guy, Joel, has delivered the two [and the resort's loud speaker goes silent]"

"[Squeak, squawk] Coo-Coo, don't be a Coo-Coo Clock! You have to depress the little red button all the while that you speak into the microphone. Anyways, I saw the truck pull in with the mayor's two new customized and personalized candy apple red high powered golf carts that have 'Mookie Moo' painted across the rear in fancy wavy lettering arrive and I'll be right up to take charge of them. And is the delivery guy, Joel, hot and 23 because I'm 21 and in need of a boyfriend date for the questionable Velma party this weekend, so?"

[Coo-Coo frantically looks for a sticky note that says screw the hell off bitch because I saw him first, but doesn't find one, but Coo-Coo is saved by the bell]

"[Ring, ring, ring, ring]"

[Again, Coo-Coo ignores the very first sticky note and answers the call by speaker phone]

"[Tap, tap, tap] hello, I'm Coo-Coo from the Coco counter in the resort's community Hut and I'm frustrated right now because..."

"OMG, Coo-Coo McCoo, please tell me that you're not frustrated with your resort's specialized golf carts delivery today because I'm a big deal and the boss at the Golf Cart Factory and I promise you that I can fix everything except for everything that my battle axe wife has been asking me to fix in our home since the day after the wedding 20 years ago, so, talk to me, Coo-Coo."

[And Joel passes out on the couch from hearing his bosses voice on the speaker phone]

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, perfect timing Big Deal guy. The tire air pressures are low, the carts are covered with road dust from the 2 hours delivery drive and the extra power button sticks and that's right, the mayor wants names, so?"

[Big Deal] whew, my delivery guy carries a portable air pump and a dusting towel and the extra power button just needs to be depressed a couple times, so, that all adds up to about ten minutes of extra work. Wait, [shuffles through work orders] shoot, your delivery guy is my goof ball nephew, Joel, so, he might need a little more time, so, whew, Big Deal saved the day, right Coo-Coo (clock)?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, let me ask you, Big Deal, does the lunchroom in your factory have a wall poster of a certain golf cart mechanic named Gabby Gabi, hmm?"

"[Big Deal] aw, no, that would be disgusting! I mean, we may have a worn out and pawed over wall poster of golf cart mechanic, Chatty Catty Cathy, while wearing her latex work uniform, but that's legit because we all insist that her eyes are staring at us and nobody else (whew), so?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, it's Spandex, Big Deal, and it's Capri cut like a diving suit because latex just doesn't breathe well. Anyways, how quickly would you and the other factory rats pass out if say, a certain crazy kooky coo-coo bird, could promise to provide an autographed, front-back, split screen wall poster, hmm? A split screen wall poster where the Spandex rearview says all that needs to be to be said about that and the front view, well, the Spandex front is zipped down to below her alluring naval and she's holding 2 golf balls in her right hand and gripping a Putter in her left hand, hmm?"

"[Big Deal] bah, bah, bah [crashing sound of a desk chair as Big Deal passes out]"

"[Tap, tap, tap] huh, 2 seconds then, I guess. And I guess I should have asked him first if his nephew, the currently passed, Joel, was going to take ribbing at the family Sunday dinners for seemingly dating the cutest boy in town because I'm still talking to myself, but that's okay since, eek, eek, eek, I have a Velma party weekend boyfriend date and..."

[A 'fits like the skin on a grape' mechanic's uniform breezes through the lobby's side door]

"(Giggles) men pass out a lot, right Coo-Coo? [Grabs Joel the single and available guy by the arm and helps him recompose himself] come on, Joel, this is where we walk out together to unload those two badass golf carts and whirl drive them to my teeny tiny golf cart repair garage [grunts as she lifts]. By the way, are you staying the weekend? And do you like girls with tan lines? You know, tan lines in only the lower bikini bottom area because upper tan lines ruin wall poster photo's, so, do you, Joel?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] shoot, just when I thought I was getting the hang of this job! Next!"

[Seriously? Three purple Mini Coopers pull up in a row, each with a Purple Preppie driving them?]

End Split Tree Resort Remodeled 01