Split Tree Resort Dino Dig 06

Split Tree Resort Dino Dig 06

[Several months after Head Nurse Swallows determined that Twiddle Dee was indeed the daughter of Mr. Big Bucks and while the courts convened in the resort's Community Hut to settle a few legal matters. Oh, and after it had been determined that Head Nurse Swallows' method of extracting DNA from Mr. Big Bucks was as good as any, especially since Head Nurse Swallows volunteered to have the fluid test samples pumped out her belly]

"Order in the court, order in this makeshift court [slams his gavel down, bang, bang, a couple of times] in the resort's Community Hut, please, and take your seats, ladies and gentlemen.

[Rustling sounds of people taking their seats and the sounds skirts being hiked up for visual effects]

"Alright, I'm Judge Jed and I'm going to address a few cleanup items first before I announce my rulings on each motion filed. First, I redefined the word 'slay' on front nine this morning! Second, there are a couple of motions that required further negotiations and we'll get to those shortly. And thirdly, just so it's clear, after I have announced my ruling on each motion, it then becomes official once I slam my little gavel hammer [holds the gavel up] down with a couple of 'bang, bangs, because that's how they do it on all of the court TV shows. And lastly, speaking of TV, ahem, I have allowed live TV coverage of these proceedings, but I must say, ahem, Breezy Friday from TV3 News, it's nice that you're cosplaying a Judge in robe, but we usually wear clothing under our robes and button a couple of buttons because..."

[Oh, a bare leg totally jukes out the robe of the year as if to say 'really' and holds that pose]

"[Twiddle Dee jumps up and waves her arms frantically] your honor, can we back track to your gavel slamming thing, hmm? I mean, it's been my thing for the past few years, I mean, I usually go all 'tap, tap, tap' and stuff and I don't see why you can't just point your gavel hammer at your court recorder, Miss Grayson, after each ruling and she can mouth my infamous 'tap, tap, tap' sounds, so?"

"Well, since this proceeding is all about you, Miss Twiddle and then some more about you, whatever. Um, it's Tap. Tap. Tap then, huh?"

"Well, it's a little quicker than that, your honor, like 'tap, tap, tap', but Miss Grayson will figure it out. And by the way, for the court's records, court recorder, Miss Grayson, was a big hit at the bonfire dance party last night and I had a lot fun explaining to all the male staffers that her gray speckled vest from her 3-piece woman's business suit was not a pushup bra, but it basically worked the same, so?"

[Miss Grayson peers over her large brim glasses and quickly unbuttons a couple of white blouse buttons because that was a statement of approval to release the Krakens a little bit]

"And while I'm interrupting these proceedings, your honor, I mean, the court records should also officially record that I still purchase my jeans from the Young Miss department, so?"

"[The Judge holds up the docket] well, it is hand scribbled in red ink right here on the docket, so, um, motion approved! Um, Miss Grayson, the official sound please."

"Tap, tap, tap, thin for the win, tap, tap, tap, wait until you hit 30, tap, tap, tap, hah, low-rise hip hugger jeans in the Young Miss department, hah, tap, tap, tap, ahem."

"Very good. Now, Miss Twiddle Dee, not every motion is going in your favor, so, I'm starting with the bad news first to make sure that we end these proceedings with higher notes, okay?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] that's fair, your honor, because I'm now technically a 20 something smoke show and I've mentally grown and I can take it, so, let's proceed with the proceedings so I can proceed to spend my new found fat cash, your honor."

"Alright then, motion one is denied because Mrs. Big Bucks, your mother, formerly known as Giftshop Glenda, has the right to strut her stuff around the resort while flinging her fuzzy boa over shoulder while over using the word 'darling' because she's the one who slept with her BFF's prom boyfriend date and that's my ruling. Also, she owns the resort now and she can do whatever she wants, um, Miss Grayson, if you would please."

"Tap, tap, tap, good morning, darling, tap, tap, tap, really, darling, tap, tap, tap, darling, I think I'll take the helicopter shopping today up in the big city, okay, darling, tap, tap, tap, ahem."

"Perfect, so, a bit of good news then. At the risk of sounding like a popular female talk show host, I mean [points gavel towards the audience gallery] every female staffer gets new boobs! [Swings gavel across] you get new boobs, you get new boobs, you get new boobs, all female staffers get new boobs because motion two is approved!"

[And the gallery goes wild with applauses and cheers, like the new reality TV show, Staffers Gone Wild]

"Tap, tap, tap, jealous much, tap, tap, tap, bounce, bounce, bounce, tap, tap, tap, look at me now, tap, tap, tap, who cares if they are not real, tap, tap, tap, guys still ogle over them, tap, tap, tap, ahem."

"Alright, for a questionable ruling, depending on your point of view, um, motion three is denied because all of the females, who work for the court, came down here to the resort one night early, including my lonely wife, I mean, my lovely wife and, um, anyways, resort male staffers, I'm sorry to rule against you, but all the women, including my wife, have submitted sworn and written testimonies that none of the resort's male staffers actually need penis pumps, so, the girls get new boobs and guys don't need any help, motion three is denied and congratulations!"

[And the gallery erupts with a wave of high fives and the Judge's wife head disappears downward]

"Tap, tap, tap, oh baby, oh baby, oh baby, tap, tap, tap, Jake the Snake is a fitting name for you, baby, tap, tap, tap, it's coming out my mouth the other way, baby, tap, tap, tap, we're never having butt sex, baby, tap, tap, tap, when I said deeper, baby, I didn't mean split me in half, tap, tap, tap, what do you mean it's only half hard, baby, tap, tap, tap, baby, you've banged me raw, baby, pull out and finish off in my mother, baby, tap, tap, tap, oh, oops, did I get carried away? Sorry, ahem."

"[Judge Jed shakes his head] motion four, um, I haven't ruled on motion four as of yet because as I understand it, Miss Twiddle Dee, you're in positive talks with the local township that the resort's popup Milkshake & French Fries shack, with parking spots and roller skate servers, should be expanded in size and moved up the road so it's available to all of the local citizens, is that correct?"

"[Stands and shows off her Young Miss low-rise hip hugger jeans] that's correct, your honor because the township officials made it quite clear that the local teenagers needed a place to park, snack smack and fool around in the back seat, mm-hmm. Besides, the township officials, who are here today, agreed to pave a straight B-line golf cart path to the resort's circle driveway and the Space Agency designed the perfect roller skate rockets for the Roller Rosie servers to get back to the resort in time for our bonfire dance parties, so, motion four can be tabled for now and go, Miss Grayson!"

"Tap, tap, tap, short little pleated booty skirts, tap, tap, tap, the guys always drop the money so the Roller Rosie servers have to bend over, tap, tap, tap, my 18 years old daughter is interested in a job, tap, tap, tap and some refer to Kelli as booty cutie patootie, tap, tap, tap and she gets that from me, tap, tap, tap, ahem."

"[Judge Jed grabs his head in anguish] anyways, as for motion five, I mean, Miss Twiddle Dee, are we still in agreement that motion five shall be removed from this docket and be addressed on its own separate docket, huh?"

"[Twiddle Dee jumps up with her hip huggers slightly unzipped and opened] absolutely, your honor and since they don't sell questionable red dresses in the Young Miss department, I've invited the honorable Mayor Mookie Mootz to explain the importance of back lighting while wearing a sheer and sexy red dress, mm-hmm. Oh, and to talk about the importance of the dead ancient big cat memorial location, so, Miss Grayson, hit it!"

"Tap, tap, tap, Ba-Boom here come the hips a swaying, tap, tap, tap, here come the boobs a bouncing, tap, tap, tap, here come the spike heels a clicking, tap, tap, tap, I'd go lesbian for a day, tap, tap, tap, ahem."

[And the Judge cradles his head in hands and wonders why he became a Judge. But we caught him quick peeking at Breezy Friday from TV3 News while cradling his receding hairline forehead]

"Are you ready, Mayor Mootz, huh?

[The hustling and bustling sounds of male staffers setting up back lighting spot lights because Mayor Mookie Mootz insists on it and her infamous red speech dresses demands it]

"I am now, Judge Jed and thank you [press photo flash, photo flash, photo flash]. And I'll try to not make this sound like a speech, your honor."

[Um, is it the last day for the earth?]

"Your honor, the audience gallery, voters, honored dignitaries, constitutes, the press, state officials, paleontology representatives, the back lighting guys..."

"Tap, tap, tap, holy see through back lighting, tap, tap, tap, Dat ass, Dat ass, Dat ass, tap, tap, tap, guys must pass out, tap, tap, tap, Miss Mayor Mookie Booty sounds right, tap, tap, tap, I picked a bad life to be a woman without a dick, tap, tap, tap, oh, did I jump the gun (giggles), my bad, ahem."

"Anyways (mouths thank you and motions to Miss Grayson to open her blouse more), I'll get to the point people. Similar, but bigger, of course, it has been decided by the world that the dead ancient big cat memorial should be available to all of the people. And all of the world agrees that my memorial design concept of a circular brick wall with bronze statues of the momma big cat protecting her cub is the greatest thing ever and that includes sliced bread and it needs to be available to everyone."

[Holds for applause because this is yet, another speech. And huh, the crowd responds. And Miss Grayson uses the applauding distraction to fluff up the girls in her opened blouse]

"Thank you. So, here's what happened. The very popular Paleontology Professor Muffy Muffins and myself joined Mr. Big Bucks in his private jet and in his private mile high club and turned him into jelly until a few words of financial approval escaped from his mouth and here's the plan."

[Judge Jed begins to shake in his shoes over fear of hearing the plan. Or he's stroking off over the way Breezy Friday from TV3 News is still wearing her cosplay judges robe opened]

"We're going to build a smaller version of the greatest memorial design ever, right smack dab in the middle of the resort's circle driveway, so all of the guests can admire it and use it as a gathering spot."

[So, spreading the leg stance just a tad is exactly the same as holding for applause? That's a big yes, according to the gallery]

"And then we'll build an even bigger circular brick wall memorial, with even bigger bronze statues, all closer to road and off the resort's property, for the people, my friends and voters, for the people! And with ample parking, picnic tables, restroom facilities, photo op areas, security cameras, big trees, proper lighting, a speech podium, bronze plaques of my silhouette, bronze QR codes to download my other silhouette and more, I say, that's what I say to the people!"

[Now we're talking about a rousing round of applause]

"Thank you. Oh, and, and, and, the paleontology world has challenged the slimmed down Paleontology Professor Muffy Muffins if there might be other fossils to find in resort's valley area, so, dare I say it, voters, Professor Muffy and her new students are coming back to dig around some more and sooner than you might think!"

[A standing ovation, even though this is not a speech]

"And she'll be back with new digging uniforms, more female explorers, male explorers with broader shoulders, girls in shorter shorts, guys wearing rawhide gloves, girls wearing rawhide boots, more yellow gridline rope, bigger hair, longer showers, more press coverage, a second banging tree, more hidden spots in the shadows and a limited run reality show hosted by our very own, Breezy Friday from TV3 News, that's what I dare say, voters, and I have said it!"

[Well, the applause is either for that segment of the speech or for how Breezy Friday from TV3 News gave the gallery audience a quick twirl in her unbuttoned cosplay robe, it's hard to say, yeah, right!]

"Now Judge Jed, I promised to not make this a speech and..."

"Um, good, Mayor Mootz because we still have to address the motions of expanding the pond into a lake and the questionable small building that Miss Twiddle Dee insists it's a staging and cool down area for the bazillion events that have been planned, although it suspiciously appears to be a stage with a dancing pole, not to mention the motion to construct a small convention center behind this very Community Hut and don't even get me started on the concrete Helipad because..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, your honor, as I saying, I'm almost ready to wrap it up, just after a couple of official announcements, so, um, Twiddle Dee, may I, sweetie, hmm?"

"[Twiddle Dee jumps up again] please, Mayor Mookie Mootz, please go ahead and spill it like only you can spill it because this is not a speech! And because there are like six men who haven't passed out from the back lighting of your 11am red speech dress."

"Tap, tap, tap, men don't pass out while stroking off, tap, tap, tap, it's going to be some bonfire dance party tonight, tap, tap, tap, can I stay another week, tap, tap, tap, ahem."

"As I was saying, folks. First, you may have noticed that the only resort staffer who is not in attendance today is Bar Bunny, Bunnie and female staffers, that's because she is laying face down naked in a vat of plaster as we speak to model your new boobs, sized just for all of you gals!"

[All the female staffers lift their logo resort shirts and flash the crowd as if to say goodbye normal and hello and be jealous of my forthcoming Bar Bunny, Bunnie boobs!]

"And, not to continue to sound like I'm giving a speech, all of you guys may have noticed the cabin remodeling hustle and bustle construction outside, thanks to Mr. Big Bucks, because the resort is adding 13 more 2-story loft cabins and by the way, my people, not to brag, but loft cabin 36 has been gifted to little ole me as my summer villa vacation cabin and I promise to wander back and forth outside of the sliding glass doors on the upper balcony in my naughty red sleepwear with a night cap cocktail in my perfectly dainty hand!"

[And the advance reservations start pouring in. Including the now questionable Miss Grayson]

"And, and, and all of the 2-story loft cabins have telescopes included on each balcony!"

[Now the 'tap, tap, tap' front desk reservation computer is on fire]

"I'm done for now, your honor, Judge Jed and I return the proceedings back to you. Oh, and by the way, your honor, I'm playing the back nine with you this afternoon and Sultry Seamstress Susan said that we should check the battery in your pacemaker before we hit the links, given the red hot little red golfing number that she created for me (giggles) and for you (wink, wink), mm-hmm. Oh, and I hope you're not embarrassed by a woman's camel toe because I'm not, especially when the red golfing shorts might be red body paint, so?"

"Court adjourned! We'll pick up the other motions tomorrow [breaks the rules and slams his gavel down with a bang, bang, bang, I'm banging Mayor Mookie Mootz today, bang!] Court adjourned, I say!"

"Tap, tap, tap, mm-hmm, I need a golf partner boyfriend date, tap, tap, tap, and I hope that Breezy Friday from TV3 News follows in the next golf cart with her camera, mm-hmm, tap, tap, tap, anyone want to be my boyfriend date for this afternoon, guys, tap, tap, tap, I'll wear my pushup business suit vest bra like I did at the bonfire dance party last night, tap, tap, tap, hmm?"

[And the hustle and bustle of available boyfriend dates start to line up. Oh, and the Judge's wife has her partner already anyways and his name is Jake the Snake and they are not golfing]

End Split Tree Dino Dig 06