Split Tree Resort Dino Dig 05

Split Tree Resort Dino Dig 05

[The Split Tree Resort is all a bustling buzz with guests, honored dignitaries, constitutes, the press, state officials, paleontology representatives, resort staffers, three out of place goth people and the honorable Mayor Mookie Mootz as her dead Dino bone discovery dedication speech nears]

"[Five, four, three (silently) two, one, rolling camera]"

"Hi viewers, it's me, your favorite weather girl and general assignment reporter, Breezy Friday from TV3 News, reporting to you live from the Split Tree Resort, where I'm continuing my coverage of the recent paleontology discovery of a big momma cat protecting her baby cub way back when, well, like way back when the former reporter, Gale Storms, was a little girl in pigtails..."

[The TV3 News 'Live Feed' board blows up, but only by one anonymous user named Gale Storms]

"And, ooh-la-la guys, get a look at what's happening just over my shoulder guys [the camera swings up and over Breezy Friday from TV3 News' shoulder], that's your first look at Mrs. World, I mean, the very well kept, Mayor Mookie Mootz and her 10am infamous red press conference dress and if that low cut number doesn't stir your dead Dino bone, guys [the camera zooms in], than you're deader than a Dino or as good as dead as the aging Gale Storms, formerly of TV3 News."

[Fire sparks start emitting from the TV3 News 'Live Feed' board screen by the same anonymous user, aka, Gale Storms, formerly from TV3 News]

"And viewers, since we've zoomed in on the honorable Mayor Mookie Mootz as she prepares to start her press conference, mm-hmm, that's right, viewers, that's a passion red 'mwah' female lip print, smack dab between the best tits in the southeast [zoom, zoom, super zoom in] and oops, my bad for blurting out about her amazing, creamy and dreamy tits instead of inserting a (bleep), viewers."

[Finally, the regular viewers managed to get a comment or two entered on the 'Live Feed' board]

"Hold on viewers [touches earpiece] this just in, viewers, there seems to be a slight delay with starting the press conference because the mayor's red heels are 1/8th shade off, so, shoot, um, I shot some file footage earlier and I'm just going to run that for a couple of minutes while four resort male staffers attend to the mayor's feet. Oh, and I promise that I edited the file footage for content and (bleeps). Well, I think I did, but I did have a [hic] 9am Mimosa and took a body shot off of Bar Bunny, Bunnie, so, well, roll the file footage when things were a little hectic in the resort's lobby."

[++4++3++2++1, rolling file footage]

"[Squeak, squawk] front desk to fitting room, what's taking so ding, dong, dang it long with fitting the mayor in her dress, over?"

"[Squeak, squawk] well, ding, dong, dang it, front desk, the mayor won't hold still because the male staffers keep hooting and hollering, Sultry Seamstress Susan, over!"

"[Squeak, squawk] front desk to fitting room, and just why are some of the resort's male staffers lurking around your sewing area, over?"

"[Squeak, squawk] duh, haven't you ever saw the mayor in the nude? They're all jacking off! And the mayor keeps bending over to pick the fitting pins that I drop because she won't hold still, over!"

"[Tap, tap, tap] well, this day is off to a rough, start, next!"

"[Ding] I mean, I'm not next, but I cut the line of horny women to give you a breather, so, I'm..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] hold please! Hi, I'm Twiddle Dee from the resort's front desk and I had a wonderful boyfriend date yesterday, until, you know, until his pregnant girlfriend screeched her tires at 3am in the parking lot and ended that relationship because..."

"Oh, that sucks, Twiddle Dee, because..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] oh, still holding please! And then his other pregnant girlfriend slid her tires sideways at 4am and really ruined the mood, so, now, hi, I'm Twiddle Dee and I'm boyfriend dateless, again. So, how may I help you, hmm?"

"Oh, well then, I'm Pippa Peppa and [flicks both thumbs over shoulders] those goth guys are my crew, that's Chain on the right and that's Link on the left and we don't need a cabin because we just came down to the resort to, you know, loiter in the lobby because that's what goth people do sometimes, you know, loiter around and make your resort guests uncomfortable, so?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] well, for first of all, Pippa Peppa, your eye makeup is a little dark for being just 10am and for second of all, mm-hmm, OMG [glances outward], your boyfriend dates are twins? How do you even manage to keep that straight, hmm?"

"Oh, when you live the life of loitering like I do, Twiddle Dee, mirror time becomes quite valuable. And for second of all back at you, I mean, they have different tattoos on the front of their shoulder blades, just above their pecks, so, it's legit. Oh, and I think we're on third of all, they're actually triplets because that's [finger points] Fence just over there having a chit chat with the TV reporter lady in the corner."

[Pan over to the corner]

"So, wait a minute, Fence, so, let me get this straight. When the three of you triplet brothers step out of the shower in your skull and cross bone string tied jammies bottoms, it reads across as Chain Link Fence, is that it, baby?"

"I mean, Breezy Friday from TV3 News, it's a pictorial tattoo thing, but you get the drift. But you're welcome to test if our pictorial identification tattoos read across properly, which almost dictates that your reading class uniform is questionable skull and cross bone lingerie, so?"

"Oh, well then, Fence, I'll have to speak with Twiddle Dee with about what extra goth lingerie she has laying around since that girl gets gifted so much stuff, including clothing, lingerie and fancy smelling toiletries and see if she's up to having a pictorial reading class, a private reading class, in her cabin after the press conference and before lunch, so?"

"Oh, I mean, Breezy Friday from TV3 News, a pictorial reading class party always, always, always starts with the changing of the current daily lingerie uniform and into the goth lingerie uniform in front of the class before the test begins, because as brothers, we're not shy, so?"

"[Pats shirt covered chest] you silly man, Fence, this is a Mayor Mookie Mootz press conference and she's been trending for over two years how she always, always, always goes commando under her infamous red dresses, which is clearly obvious with just a glance, so, um, um, I'm pretty fertile this week, so?"

"Oh, so, the class line up is three girls across on their knees, while wearing oversized class thick brim glasses, then, huh, Breezy Friday from TV3 News?"

"Whew, I mean, I mean, well, I'll have to check with the other..."

[Pan back to the front desk]

"[Tap, tap, tap] next! (Grunts, damn, Mrs. Sims because...)"

"[Ding, ding, ding, ding, a dainty hand covers the bell] Twiddle Dee, I understand that the resort is over sold for this memorial dedication, but doubling up the cabins is..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] Mrs. Sims, I know that things are a little cramped this weekend, but haven't you and your hubby ever had quiet sex before, hmm?"

"Sex? Sex with my hubby? Have [points at herself] hubby sex? Sex with my hubby dreadful Fred, I mean, dead in the bed, Fred, I mean, sex with my hubby Fred? I just want to know where the mayor's left overs are because I just heard over the loud speaker system that some male staffers have Dino boners and I'm here to help, so?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] southwest rear corner of the Community Hut, Mrs. Sims, next! (Oh brother, here she comes!)"

"[Ding, ding, ding, ding, a dainty hand covers the bell] Twiddle Dee, I object to having share a cabin with the Peterson's unless a third community cot is added to our cabin in the middle because my hubby, so sad in the sack, Zack, can't perform and Mr. Peter Peterson actually flinched in his jammies bottoms this morning when he woke up, so, I demand an extra cot and some sleeping pills for Mrs. Peterson, so?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] I'll get right on it, Mrs. Sanders, next!"

"[Ding, ding, ding, ding, a dainty hand covers the bell] Twiddle Dee (giggles), my worthless hubby, wiggly waggly Willy, actually humped the body pillow that your staffers stuffed into my cabin bed last night and I'm here to see if the male staffer cabin had left any comments in your 'tap, tap, tap' feedback system after I snuck into their cabin after the bonfire dance party last night, so, 'tap, tap, tap' that, okay?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] Mrs. Peterson, don't expect too much because our male staffers are twenty something and [glances] and you're not, but we'll see anyways. [Tap, tap, tap] oh, holy hell [ping] Palo shaved her Goo-Coo tight and smooth! Well then [ping] hand stand blow jobs are the best! Well, I'll be [ping] toot, toot, best butt sex train ever! Oh my, I under estimated [ping] plump belly shots rule! Well, this is just [ping] I'm still wheezing! Again, I stand corrected because [ping] and she actually added her own milk to my coffee this morning! Alright now, because [ping] thunder thighs in heels got it started! Well, I've read enough, Mrs. Peterson because [ping] I fell asleep, what did I miss?"

"(Giggles) well, his age was questionable, so I smothered his air out with my..."

"[Cut the file footage!] well (giggles), viewers, I guess I didn't edit the file footage for content and (bleeps), but what's done is done (can I get another Mimosa over here?) and that's that. Anyways, viewers, since the mayor is still fiddling with her red press conference dress, which is cut three fingers lower than her belly button for maximum cleavage exposure [the camera pans away and zooms in], I'm here now with Pippa Peppa, who plans on loitering around to disturb the press conference and leave the resort guests wondering what kind of outside cliental the resort allows through the doors..."

[Arm snags Pippa Peppa, who had no interest in being interviewed]

"So, Pippa Peppa, tell my viewers, PP, how is a life style choice of loitering around and creating havoc in the lobby of hotels and resorts and, and, and, start out with how you're going to explain to Twiddle Dee that there probably have been multiple, multiple, multiple, boyfriend date mistakes since you hang out with triplet boyfriend dates, go ahead, Pippa Peppa."

"(Giggles) oh, Breezy Friday from TV3 News, in the beginning, I mean, there may have been a few questionable approaches early on, but I've since learned to start my aggressive sex moves up higher by the neck and shoulders area and not, you know, down there, so?"

"There you have it, viewers, always check first who you're going down on with facial and tattoo recognition software first. Well, unless you're at a masquerade party with your handsome nephew, because nobody cares about that anymore."

[The 'Live Feed' board starts to spark smoke again, but in good favor]

"Anyways, Pippa Peppa, will you be handing out free passes at our private game of Pictionary later today because..."

"(Giggles) ah, ah, ah, Breezy Friday from TV3 News, a free boyfriend date pass will cost you an admission that you once backed up to the chain link fence in your parent's backyard and dropped your yoga pants and let the neighbor boy next door has his way with you that way, mm-hmm! And I won't judge you if you side dating the neighbor boy's uncle, so?"

"Oh, there you have it, viewers, I've been called out eight years later for trying something different through the chain link fence when I was 19! But I can't be judged since I was side dating the boy next door daddy and his uncle! Which, now that I think of it, is almost the same as an uncle and his other niece at a masquerade party because..."

[And the 'Live Feed' board starts smoking, again, from uncles who have missed out]

"Attention, attention, ladies and gentlemen, guests, distinguished dignitaries, voters, constitutes, family, friends, questionable disruptive loitering goth people, honor guests, resort staffers, horny housewives, housewives who are not horny anymore after last night's bonfire dance party, old geezers who might as well quit now, may I present the honorable, Mayor Mookie Mootz!"

[A very, very rousing standing ovation round of applause, clap, clap, clap, clap]

[Um, and about nine minutes of head nodding and body twisting approval from the mayor because she gloats in the glory]

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have gathered here to today to dedicate the circular knee-high brick wall memorial that will forevermore identify the resting place of the ancient big cat momma that perished while protecting her young cub, which is a totally hot item now since the cub was so well-preserved underneath her and is worth tons of dough!"

[Another very rousing standing ovation round of applause, clap, clap, clap, clap]

"And I want to give a quick shout to Paleontologist Professor Muffy Muffins for making her nineth 'Digging Dead Dino's' magazine cover and was that a pose or what, people? Give it up!"

[A very, very rousing standing ovation round of applause, clap, clap, clap, clap]

"Just don't expected the professor to give it up because she now has boyfriend dates literally all over the world, but you can dream, men, you can dream! Take a bow Professor Muffy Muffins and give my voting constitutes a peek down your updated and modern 'peek-a-boo' dead Dino digging uniform!"

[Bow, bow, a rousing standing ovation round of applause, clap, clap, clap, clap, bow]

"Now, my people, my supporters, my voters, if you promise not to ask, I promise to not tell where the funds came from to create this memorial, which will include bronze statues of the dead big cats with the next year, do you feel me, my people?"

[Yet another very rousing standing ovation round of applause, clap, clap, clap, clap]

"Are you feeling this dress that I'm wearing, my People?"

[And the crowd erupts with applause, hooting and hollering]

"Are you jealous that the resort's seamstress, Sultry Seamstress Susan, spent an hour fitting me into it and you missed out?"

[A fight almost breaks out over who can clap and hoot and holla louder]

"And while I'm making false campaign promises, I promise all of your faithful supporters that it is not me in the Limbo dance off photo that was leaked out late last night after the bonfire dance party!"

[A few claps and a few 'lying bitch' grumblings from the crowd, who clearly peek the mayor's cleanly shaven Goo-Coo!]

"Alright then, I'll take a few questions from the press before we all walk the trail towards the location of the brick wall memorial site. Well, I'll be ushered down there in a golf cart, of course and you will know which golf cart is mine since there will be three garment bags full of more red dresses hanging from the rear of the roof, but still, right?"

[20 hands raise from the press reporters]

"No questions about the passion red female 'mwah' lip print that is located smack dab between my overly exposed creamy and dreamy boobs, so?"

[Half of the hands lower]

"And no questions about my daughter, Mimi and her presence here this weekend, so?"

[One hand still remains up and Breezy Friday from TV3 News just jumps the gun and asks her question]

"Your daughter, Mimi Mootz, is 19, mayor and you kind of have to say yes to interviews, so?"

"Grr, fine, but I insist that the lovely Breezy Friday from TV3 News is the only reporter who can interview my overly innocent daughter, mm-hmm, Mimi Maye Mei Millie Mootz and I insist on approving all photographs or video, especially if she's wearing a questionable cabin guest cotton robe while sitting in chair and bouncing her leg! Anyways, let's get headed down to memorial site, where lunch and beverages will be served, with a campaign donation box located conveniently at the end of the serving table and go!"

[Whirl, whirl, whirl, whirl, an electric golf cart pulls up]

"I'm Ethan, mayor ma'am and I'm willing to step out of the driver's seat and turn my back if that helps enter your seat in that dress, ma'am, so?"

"Oh, you're a gentleman then, Ethan, but is that un-necessary since you probably have a seduction plan to take a slight detour, which runs us right past the infamous banging tree, where your seduction plan battle begins, hmm, Ethan?"

"You talk too much, Mayor Mookie Mootz, especially since I like the gentle fight of the seduction, so?"

"Well, can I ask if your seduction plan has us going at it with the making out, face to face, and then you start to have me Game of Bones style from the front at first, but then you lose control and whip me around and pin me face first against the banging tree and take me that way, hmm, Ethan? And I'm not saying that getting your daytime piece of mayor's ass that way is the best or how I want it, but it's the best and how I would like it, so?"

"[Big eyes] well, it does now, mayor!"

"And you won't be offended if I keep my face of the south side of the banging tree because yesterday, I spied at least four trail cams pointing at the sex tree, so?"

"I mean, I mean, I mean, mayor, I'm a lefty and we lefties are known as southpaws, so, why are we still here up front, huh?"

"(Giggles) it's called dispersion of the crowd, sweetie [opens the glove box and checks for condoms, check] well, I just don't want my thighs smelling like stud sex all afternoon, Ethan. Also, does this thing have a go pedal because the crowd has dispersed already!"

[Speed whirl, speed whirl, speed whirl because electric golf carts just don't pop wheelies!]

"[Tap, tap, tap] next! Oh, the lobby is cleared out and quiet now..."

"[Ding, ding] um, hi, Twiddle Dee, I mean, you've probably by now that..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, I've heard, Mimi Maye Mei Millie Mootz, that you have a series of TV interviews scheduled with Breezy Friday from TV3 News and you need hair, makeup, body lotion, a modified cabin guest cotton robe that begs the question 'is she or is she not wearing undies' as your leg bounces over the other leg, lighting, a chaise lounge on the ponds beach for that interview, a regular folding chair down by the memorial site for that interview, sauna cabin 18 for a damp hair interview, a red Bar Bunny, Bunnie leotard costume for a bar stool interview in the Community Hut, an assistant to keep you looking fresh and probably a few other things, so?"

"Oh, well then, next time I'll read the resort's brochure better because um, all of the above please and I'll think about the other few things, so, cool. So, I mean, in exchange for all the wonderful things that you're going to do me because we all know that half of social media loves and half hates you, so, one might as well look good in the process because..."

"[Tap, tap, tap] mm-hmm, just like half of the male staffers would like you to wear red fishnets during your Community Hut bar stool interview in your red bunny costume and half of them are holding out hope that you'll wear black fishnets, but I interrupted you, so, go on, Mimi."

"See? It's always half and half! Men are halfwits and we women are innocent! But we need them. Anyways, in exchange for your resort interviewing prep skills, I mean, I've been hacking my mom's phone for like ever and I may or may not have access to the list of three who may or may not be your real daddy, so?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] oh, the list of three that the mayor brought up yesterday and teased me with, the list that she said she would reveal, even though I went 'yes, no, yes, no, yes, no' bat shit crazy over, hmm, that hacked list of three real daddy's, Mimi?"

"Well, in the mayor's defense, ugh, I mean, in my mom's defense, it's just a narrowed down list and may or may not pan out. Oh, and speaking of panning out, is that my mom on trail cam down at the banging tree on the monitor?"

"[Turns the monitor away, tap, tap, tap] just say it and say it fast, Mimi, before I go all bat shit crazy again [face begins to squint and redden]."

"Oh, that's a cute look on you, Twiddle Dee and it's no wonder why you always have boyfriend date choices. Anyways, here goes and you can do what you want with the information. It's between a..."

[Mysterious dramatic music fills the air]

"A Mr. Dexter 'Money Bags' Diddle, who is Richie Rich, rich."

[The mysterious dramatic music continues]

"A Mr. Glen 'Midas Touch' Glendale, who owns nine car dealerships."

[Boom, boom, boom, the mysterious dramatic music intensity increases]

"And some random dude, Billy Bob Joey Ray Joe Wilbur Henry Carl, no last name, so?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] mom! Giftshop Glenda, front and center now and bring your old diary! Pronto!"

[As Giftshop Glenda carefully studies her diary for dating partners from 19 years ago, Twiddle Dee and Mimi Mootz read over her shoulder in utter and total fucking amazement of how active Giftshop Glenda was back in her day! But the diary entries make Twiddle Dee seem like an angel]

"Well, I did attend my Junior Prom with Dexter, well, I mean, for the first half anyways, but after we had sex, I attended the second of my Junior Prom with Glen, you know, until after we had sex, but I swear it sweetie, I've never dated anyone with that many first names before, so, they make tests for this, so?"

"[Tap, tap, tap] like a DNA paternity test, mom?"

"Oh, that's sound better than what I was thinking because I started to think that I could call them, have sex with them both in my hay cabin barn bales of hay and then see who the baby looks like nine later months, so, let's go with your idea, Twiddle Dee! I'll call Head Nurse Swallows today and make an appointment."

"[Tap, tap, tap] OMFG, next!"

End Split Tree Resort Dino Dig 05