How It Starts 01

My name is not Michael but I shall call myself that here. I am 56 years old and married for over 20 years and in that time i have been a sissy in my head. I have been a sissy since the age of 20 but didn't have the correct understanding. Now i do. Now i have the knowledge.

I go through all the typical cycles of desire, fear, destruction, return.

I am male but I know i am also feminine in my head and with that comes submission to men, who i see as dominant to me.

The problem is, I am not passable, facially, and I need to protect my married life so I cannot do anything too extreme or obvious.

And then I met Tony at work.

I come across as male, I have no homosexual tendencies in the real world. I look at men and there is nothing sexual there in me. I look at women a lot and I don't think "I want to fuck her". I think "I want to be her".

Tony was a watcher and for some reason he watched me. I became aware of it eventually and then it was obvious to me.

"Is there something wrong?" I asked him once.

"No. Nothing. Why?"

"You keep staring at me" I said.

"Oh, sorry. It is just that you remind me of someone i knew years ago. Name of Bob. Not you, I know, but still, you remind me of him"

"Ahh. Well, I am certainly not Bob." I said.

And that was that, for a while.

I should say, my body is epilated smooth and I wear a thong every day under my male clothing, under my male underpants. I need the feel of them between my arse cheeks. My wife has said nothing about the smooth skin and knows nothing about the thongs.

I also steal my wife's HRT patches when I can and wear them. Can't say there is much of a change, but who knows. My skin feels softer for sure.

And then the day I was working and got my trousers sodden below the knees with water. I was back in the changing room swapping to another pair i had when Tony walked in. I ignored him and turned away slightly, aware that I had a thong on under my pants. They weren't showing, but still.

I put the new pants on and then my workboots. I was lacing them up when Tony started to talk.

"We are here alone, and I am putting this out here just between you and me, Michael. You don't have to say anything about it. I would prefer you didn't mentioned it to anyone else, but of course you could." He paused, without looking at me.

"How to put this?" he said aloud. "I am attracted to men who consider themselves not men." He paused. "Yes, I think that is what i wanted to say."

He looked at me then, watching me.

"Errr, what am I supposed to say to that?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing, sorry. I just wanted to say it."

I was getting tetchy. "Why me, though?" I queried him, pressing him for an answer. "You can't just say something like that to someone".

"Well technically you can. I just did." he replied. Give him his due there, I guess.

"Your legs" he said, nodding at them.

"Sorry?"

"You have shaved legs" he said, letting it hang there between us.

Shit. I completely forgot about that. Fuck. "I cycle" I said, knowing that cyclists have smooth legs.

Tony nodded. "But you don't cycle do you, Michael?" he pressed.

I stared at him, open mouthed, in shock, saying nothing.

I had finished tying my laces and closed my locker, ready to leave.

"Look, I am putting all my cards on the table here now. Listen and leave and think about it. That is all". He paused again. I lingered and he took at as the green light.

"I live alone. I am divorced. She is long gone. Good riddance actually. What i want is someone to visit and be who they need to be, there". He looked at me. "I shall leave it at that. I think you know what i am getting at, Michael. If i am wrong, you can call me all the names you like to whoever here and I shall have to live with that. Deal?"

I looked at him and just nodded.

He smiled suddenly and said "I knew it. If you weren't up for it, you would have dismissed me straight away. Your nature gave you away. This week. This Thursday. Let me know if you can make it." And he left.

I stared at the door as it shut behind him and i was breathing harder. I realised i was turned on. "Oh, fuck" I thought. "what am I supposed to do now?"

That Wednesday Tony was in work and around, without talking to me. I noticed him staring a few times but they were from a distance.

I went up to him and opened with "What exactly are we talking about here?"

He smiled at me. "Whatever you want, to be honest. I can tell you what I want but that will scare you away, so let's just say 'come back to mine and do what you want, when you want' OK?"

I stared at him, without speaking.

"You do realise that all this non-communication is speaking volumes don't you?" he said. I thought about that and realised that i had never told him to fuck off, so I was damned really. I sighed at the logic of it.

He leant in and whispered "Good girl" and walked away.

Holy fuck! He did it. He had stepped over the line. I was going to... to do what, exactly? I watched him walk away and he had stepped over the line and had gotten away with it. I was screwed now!.

Thursday came and went. Clocking off and Tony came up to me and said "Follow me in your car to mine" and in a state of bewilderment that is exactly what i did until he was opening his front door and letting me in and i actually walked in, past him. The door shut. We were alone. In private. No-one else coming to my rescue. Shit. Shit. Shit.

He sat down on the sofa and I sat down in the chair, to the side.

"No, come and sit here" he indicated the sofa. "You can start by sitting at the other end if you wish."

To my eternal surprise, i moved to the sofa and sat, turned to him as we faced each other.

"OK then." he said, to break the silence. "I assume you have never done anything like this before?" he asked.

"Like what?" I queried, stupidly. He laughed.

"Well, you being what you are and me being attracted to that, shall we say?" I stared at him.

"Do you have a name?" he asked me then.

I very nearly said "Yes, Michael" sarcastically then stopped. "Yes, Nat. Natalie" I said quietly.

"Mmmm, a nice name. Well Natalie, I need to take charge now. I guess that is what you need" A statement, not a question. He carried on.

"I would like you to come here and kneel between my legs. Do that for me Natalie."

I stared at him, assessing him. Assessing the moment. Assessing my thoughts. Lots of thoughts that quickly dissolved away leaving one thought, namely "get up Natalie and kneel, as he told you to".

Oh Christ.