April Fools 'em All

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ....

"Ohhh.... Ungh."

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ....

"Ahhh... Unh... Yeah"

BZZZZZZZZZZZ...

"Ngah. Unh. Oh, God!"

BZZZZZ... BZZZZZ... BZ... BZZ.

CLICK

"Fuck!"

"April.... AAAAPPPPPRILLLLLLL!!"

Hannah's voice bellowed through the cramped two-bedroom flat. April rolled her eyes and dropped the travel brochure on the living room couch. Philadelphia would have to wait.

She squeaked open the bedroom door to find her aunt's beefy leg slung over a bare patch of mattress. Her upturned floral mumu revealed a sopping gash buried in a wiry thatch of gray pubes. A sky-blue vibrator lay dead in her fleshy hand.

April turned her head and closed her eyes.

"Geez auntie. Can you at least cover up first?"

Hannah narrowed her eyes.

"Hush your mouth child and look at me when I'm talking."

April unpeeled her eyelids grateful that her aunt had pulled a blanket over her waist.

"I'ma need you to go downstairs and fetch two D Energizers."

"I... I think we're out of that size."

"Bullshit." Hannah replied. "Nobody buys these. Should be 3 packs behind the counter."

April scanned the cigarette-stained carpet and spied a half dozen dead batteries next to the bed.

"No auntie. They're all up here."

April winced at the smell of sweat and stale pussy as Hannah thrust the dripping sex toy towards her niece.

"Crack it open and stick 'em in the freezer."

April sighed.

"I keep telling you that doesn't work."

"Well, something's gotta work goddammit. These toes won't curl themselves."

Hannah dropped the toy on her lap and reached for the water glass of whiskey waiting on her nightstand. The cheap amber liquid dripped down her chin as she gulped. She shuddered and turned her attention to the grainy 12" black and white screen on her dresser. Weatherman Tad Barnes declared a blizzard for nearby Frederick County. The camera cut to a chuckling frost

tipped anchorwoman.

"Snow in the middle of spring? You had me going there Tad."

Tad chuckled. "Aww shucks Kathy. You know what day it is."

Hannah's eye's widened as she set down the half empty glass.

"How soon til we open?" She asked.

"About an hour."

Hannah stroked her chin and eyeballed her niece. Far too squat and plump for a Victoria Secret model, but everyone has a type.

"April Honey" She began "Why don't you fetch me a man?"

"Excuse me?"

"How about Jeb? He'd do."

"That perv who's always staring at my tits?"

"Yeah, that one. We got the new issue of Folds yesterday. When he comes round for his magazine and Slim Jims lock up the shop, lure him up the steps, and get 'em in here."

April stared and the mount of crusty blanket smothering her aunt's massive belly. Her cheeky face more fit for a hog farm than a human bed.

"No offense, but I don't think he's going to go for..."

"He will if he thinks it's you."

"That sounds like sexual assault."

Hannah chuckled.

"Normally it would be, but today is April 1st, 1997. A glorious day when lies are jokes, vandalism is a prank, and assaults of all kinds become games and funzies. All you have to do is say 'April Fools.' Those two magic words make everything okay. "

"You expect me to whore for you?" April asked.

Hannah crossed her brow gulped her whiskey and thumped the glass on the nightstand.

"Child, have you forgot the day you showed up at my door swaddled in a bassinet with a note and a half carton of Marlboros? I raised you as my own and what did it get me? Waaah come feed me. Waaah change my diaper. Waaah I have an earache. Every time a man heard your shrill little whine they bolted before my panties hit the ground. Yes, I expect you to whore. It's the least you could do for the only person on this Earth who loves you."

April suppressed a tear as she headed to the door.

***

The morning sun glowed through the dingy windows of Hunky Hannah's Town Pump. April restocked the Brillo pads, flipped the sign to 'Open' and took her station behind the chipped yellow counter. Safe from the camera's view she reached under a stack of unstocked lottery tickets and retrieved her GED study guide. Algebra had been easy, but the reading comprehension was...

"Ding ding-a-ling ding ding".

Concentration broken; April raised from her books to see Mrs. Olinski stroll through the door. Her seraphic smile matched her peach pantsuit and a string of convincing pearls.

"Good morning, Miss April." She greeted

"Morning Ms. O"

Olinski steered towards the coffee pot and poured herself a bitter stale cup.

"How's your aunt Hannah?" She asked.

"Some days are better than others."

April sighed. Olinski tilted her head and slathered her brew in hazelnut creamers.

"Poor thing." She declared. "Shame about the accident. She's lucky to have you filling in."

"I do what I can."

Olinski placed her cup on the counter. April rang the purchase.

"One more thing." Interrupted Olinski. "Could you be a dear and fetch me a pint of E&J."

April turned to the row of bottles behind her, retrieved the brandy and placed it next to the cup. Olinski fished through her purse for the final quarter, lowered the cup below the counter's ridge and began to pour.

"That rotten Ronnie Jenkins always disrupting my history lessons. Sometimes I wish I could take that boy behind the school with a pistol and a blindfold."

She raised the half empty bottle in a mock toast.

"Guess this will have to do for now."

Olinski slipped the liquor in her purse, took a tall pull from the cup and smiled as she toddled out the door.

The afternoon rolled along with the usual shoplifting skateboarders and "truckers" buying crates of Mini-Thins. Reverend Pete came by for an issue of Studs'n'Stallions presumably to research sin for Sunday's sermon. But why the condoms and Astroglide? April shed the wonder from her mind and dove into her studies. In the middle of practice test question nine the door dinged open, and Jeb appeared.

He noticed her ravishing blue eyes. She saw the cracks in his pleather mud toned cowboy boots. He followed her long scarlet hair. She clocked the hole in his threadbare wranglers. He straightened his bolo tie. She wrinkled her nose at his greying comb over and sagging paunch. The whole room felt icky like the smell of grease and cheap cologne.

"Hey there darlin'" he drawled.

"Hello Mr. Peterson"

"Just you today?"

"Yep... just little old me."

April forced a nervous grin. Jeb's boots clomped as he strolled towards the meat snacks.

"Not so little any more I see. You gotta be what, 16...17?"

"I turned 18 last month."

"I'll say. March winds and April showers bring May flowers. Looks like you're about to bloom".

His face reddened as he opened the Slim Jim tin and retrieved two unwrapped sticks. He held one in his mouth like a cheroot cigar as he ambled to the counter. His necked craned towards the open buttons of her lime long sleeved blouse.

"Got the new one yet?"

"Umm... new what" April stammered.

"You know what I want."

April retrieved the silver cellophane wrapped issue of Folds Plus Sized Magazine from the hidden rack. Jeb beamed as he crinkled the package open. The cover held a hefty blond in a revealing terrycloth robe. Her airbrushed tits were about April's size.

"Karen Fucking Fisher." He began. "Now THAT's a woman. Most men like those smack shooting vegan ironing boards from commie town, but not this cowboy."

April watched his jeans tent as he thumbed through the pages. He stopped at a picture of a corpulent redhead and slapped the magazine next to the register.

"Yunno what I would give to see one of these swinging on the pole at the Purple Horseshoe? Spreadin' her cunt. Thick bubble ass popping across the stage."

April ran a finger through her hair.

"Who needs the Purple Horseshoe?" She asked.

Jeb looked up from his magazine.

"What are you saying?"

"Why do you need those skinny broads and watered down drinks when I got a shelf full of liquor right here?"

"What else you got?"

"Come upstairs and I'll show you."

Jeb's face glowed tomato red as he adjusted his jeans. April fluttered her eyes and handed him a ring with a single key.

"Lock the door and flip the sign" she said. "We're closing early today."

***

April led him past the storage closet and up the rickety steps to her apartment. She held a bottle of Grey Goose Vodka in one hand and unlocked the door with the other. Jeb followed with his eyes glued to her bubble ass as it swayed with every step. A hint of mint thong poked above her milky half-moon cleavage.

Guiding him into the warm, softly lit living room, April settled him onto the plush gray sofa. Jeb found the discarded pamphlet and thumbed through the folding pages.

"Philadelphia. The city of brotherly love." He proclaimed. "You planning a trip?"

"Maybe."

April shrugged. Jeb closed the pamphlet and tossed it on the black oak coffee table.

"I drove past it a couple times. Never left the freeway. Got everything I want right here."

He licked his lips and shot her a hungry look. April uncapped the vodka and sat it next to the pamphlet.

"Stick around. I'll get some glasses."

She returned with a bottle of grapefruit juice and two salt rimmed cups.

"I love greyhounds. Don't you?" She asked.

"If you're serving, I'm drinking."

April smiled and uncapped the juice. After two careful pours she handed Jeb the cup with the lemon and took a sip from her own lime topped tumbler.

"Hold a minute." he said. "Aren't we gonna do a toast?"

"To what?"

"I believe someone finally turned 18."

She smiled as they clinked glasses. Jeb took a long swallow while April resumed her careful sips. He stretched his spidery legs and kicked his boot clad feet on the table.

"18 at last." He continued. "I bet you partied hard."

April had spent her birthday downstairs at the cash register while Hannah diddled her clit and drank herself half to death. She spent the night rolling her aunt on her side to stop her from choking. There was no party, presents, or cake. Not even a phone call.

"Yeah, my birthday was something else." she said.

He downed his drink and slammed the empty glass on the pamphlet.

"I can picture it. You and your big friends all dolled up. Doing shots, dancing, big bellies bouncing to the beat. A lucky man's face packed between those fun bags. Hooo weee. You're a fun one, aint cha?"

April smiled and undid a button on her blouse. Her breasts wobbled as she bent to retrieve his cup.

"Let's have another drink."

She refilled the glass and took a swig from the bottle. She coughed and sent a stray drop to her sparsely covered nipple. Jeb's face flushed as his almond eyes traced the path.

She sat beside him on the couch and slipped her arm around his waist. His heavy breath filled her ear as she tilted his chin towards hers. She pounced on her lips sliding her tongue along his. His back pressed into the sofa as her chubby thighs slithered over his lap. Jeb bucked her hips against her waist as his hard on poked her leg. She unlocked their lips.

"So how much fun are you trying to have?" She asked.

"Give me all you got."

His jaw slackened. April giggled and rose to her feet and pulled his bolo tie until the string slipped from the fastener. She put the tumbler into his trembling hand. He finished the drink in a single gulp.

April stepped to the back of the room and pressed play on the CD changer. The opening strains of "Where Have all the Cowboys Gone" filled the room. April swayed to the guitar and unclasped the last three buttons of her blouse. She cast it to the floor as her breasts and belly jiggled. Jeb's pupils

jumped like a slot machine spitting out coins.

Her hands slid to her jeans and unbuttoned the fly. It hit the carpet revealing the entire mint G-string. She faced the wall and wobbled her wide ass as she unclasped her matching bra. As it hit the tan shag carpet she turned and faced Jeb with her nipples coyly cradled in her forearm.

He stared as she advanced towards him and lowered her arm. Her breasts bounced and flapped with every step.

"My goodness. You must be a D-cup" he said.

April scoffed.

"Double D."

Jeb gulped and nodded as April lowered herself to his lap. She buried his face in her cleavage and pressed the fleshy mounds to his temples. He bucked his hips and locked his fingers in the band of her thong. She slapped his hand.

"You first."

Jeb's hands shook as he fumbled for his zipper. April backed away to help him out of his boots. His Wranglers hit the floor revealing a six-inch cock crowned by a thatch of salt and pepper pubes.

April licked her lips and stroked his dick as it throbbed against her hand. She bent down and kissed the head. Jeb gasped as her tongue circled the tip.

"Unh... Unh... Oh God!"

She released her grip and stood.

"Stay here. I got a surprise for you."

April swayed down the hall. A door hinge squeaked in the distance. She returned to the living room with a blindfold, condom and a Chapstick sized tube of lube. "I Don't Want to Wait" spun from the CD changer.

She placed a free hand on his shoulder.

"Lay back, relax and let me show you just how kinky fun can be."

She wrapped the blindfold around Jeb's eyes and tied the back. He felt the chilly lube surround his swollen member. Next came the condom and another layer of slippery gel.

"You ready?" she asked.

"Darling I was born ready."

She took his hand and guided him down the hall past the squeaking door and stood him in front of the bed. Her Aunt Hannah waited nude in a doggy style stance with her head buried deep in her pillow.

"Mr. Peterson, I've watched you watch me for a long time now." April began. "Now I'm finally ready for you. Reach out your arms and put your hand on my waist."

Jeb placed his palms on Hannah's ass thinking it was April's. It was bigger than he expected.

"Oooh that's so fucking hot!" April said. "Spread me."

Jeb parted the mushy cheeks and rubbed her slippery sex.

"Yes... Yes!"

The unwashed musk made him so woozy he nearly tumbled over, but his libido soldiered on. His fingers dipped knuckle deep inside.

"Keep going."

Jeb frigged her pussy while his sheathed cock bounced like a glowstick.

"Mr. Peterson. I've been... oooh... watching you watch me... soooo long... ahhh... Now I'm finally ready... take me..."

Jeb's head spun as he thrust his dick into Hannah's easy hole. He gasped as his thighs slapped her meaty ass. The room filled with thwacks and squishes as he galloped inside. April stood at the other end of the bed continuing the charade.

"Oh Mr. Peterson, fuck me! Fuck me harder!"

His sweat drenched shirt clung to his back as his balls smacked the sopping gash.

"Fuck... FUCK!

Hannah's teeth ripped into the pillow desperate to scream.

"Ungh... Ungh... Harder!" April continued.

The room spun. Jeb's legs felt like jelly.

"Uhn... Uhn... Ungh. I'm gonna... gonna..."

"Do it... cum."

"UNNNNNNH!"

Jeb collapsed on top of Hannah pinning her to the mattress. She let go of the pillow.

"Oooh child... I... I needed that."

She hurried a hand to her mouth and tried to suppress her heavy breathing.

"Don't worry auntie he's out cold." April replied.

Jeb snored as if on cue. Hannah sighed.

"I suppose he can stay the night. April, be a dear, roll him off and get him into your bed."

"I can't, he's stuck."

"Stuck? Aren't you at least gonna try and move him?"

Hannah wrinkled her nose and tilted her head. April shrugged.

"I lubed him up with crazy glue. He's not going anywhere, and either are you."

Hannah shook her ass as hard as she could muster. Jeb remained unmoved.

"Wait... What?!" she began. "How dare you.... how COULD you?!"

"I'm leaving Auntie, and there's nothing you can do about it."

"After all I've done for you."

"Store opens at seven. You should get some rest."

"You fucking worthless little bitch. Fetch me the phone so I can call the cops."

April smiled and pecked Hannah's forehead.

"April Fools" she whispered.

Hannah screamed her curses as April shut the door behind her for the last time.