Resuscitation

Something nicer, something gentler - an exercise, if you will, in shaking images loose so that I can focus on other things.

It's been a while since I've been able to put words to "paper", it's funny the way this thing called life tests us.

I floated on the still surface of the vast ocean that silently slept in the timeless, endless, forgotten caverns of Xar.

Darkness surrounded me; darkness drifted through me.

My thoughts were slower than ice, slower than the birth and death of galaxies, slower than time...

Had it always been like this?

I couldn't answer my question, but it seemed a strange way to be; to be this being - this strange creature, floating breathless and motionless on this endless, sunless sea.

Aeons came and went yet I remained, changeless as the unchanging waters around me.

I stared upwards, remembering the dimly-recalled dream of moon and... stars.

A soft, brief whisper at the very edge of hearing.

I remembered clouds, trees... a party...

Silence reclaimed me; silence stretched unbroken around me, comforting and endless.

I drifted, a silent space in the greater silent space that embraced me.

But then - a change.

A droplet of water, falling from the invisible roof above, the first I could ever remember...

A gentle plink - soft as silk in the darkness.

And the infinitesimal ripples spread over me and around me, changing the world.

At first, the change was slight - a sense of presence elsewhere, a knowing that this present reality was somehow unreal.

Then - scorching, jagged colours seemed to hint at some alternate existence, concealed just beyond my field of view.

I became aware of a distant wailing siren, repetitive and invasive.

I was drawn towards it; compelled to seek for it. I did not know why.

Slow waves of inky water built around me in a swiftly-swelling gale, unsettling my body, shifting the limbs that I did not remember ever needing to move before now.

I took my first breath in this eternity of stasis.

And then I took another.

Cold seeped into me. My pulse - another thing I'd forgotten - began to thump harshly in my ears. I felt the coarse pressure of fabric enveloping me, the unaccustomed weight of bones, of muscles, of skin and flesh and blood...

Existence lurched, light pierced me...

And I began, softly, to cry.

"There you are," said a girl's voice. "There you are, we got you back. It's okay, it's okay, we got you back."

The world was swaying and creaking around me; strange things beeped and wailed beneath the siren's persistent, banshee wail.

A hand gripped mine; the skin as soft and warm as the fields of Heaven, the fingers strong where they curled around my own feeble claws.

"Abby?" said the voice. "Abby, my name is Nell. You're in an ambulance, we're taking you to A and E, okay pet? Don't stress, my mate Dave's driving fast as he can, we're just a few minutes... shit. Abby? Abby, sweetheart, I really need you to focus on my voice... Dave, she's crashing again, we need to get there now, give it some fucking welly!"

"Three minutes out, mate!"

But she had faded, and the world had faded with her, and I felt the waves of the vast sunless sea lapping around me once more.

This time, though - this time I fought with everything I had.

I clung to the idea of her, to the distant afterglow of her touch. I clung to the vaguely-sensed pressure of the restraining strap around my chest, I clung to the sense of hovering pain.

And I swam.

I swam on and on in the endless night, never breathing, never slacking, driven by a single-mindedness that would have terrified my waking self... until my clawing hands struck sand beneath me.

I heard doors opening and slamming; I felt the jostling of movement, and I dimly heard the garbled words that I guessed somehow related to me.

Distant noise, bright light - and her voice, soft as a whisper across the dying centuries...

"Abby, Abby... stay with me, angel..."

Everything faded - but now I was calm. I knew that I'd made it; I knew that, somehow, I would be okay.

I slept.

.:.

Something cold, hard and painful was in my arm. My chest hurt, my back hurt, everything hurt. I could not believe how much everything hurt. I couldn't speak at first, couldn't move much. My tongue felt too large for my mouth; my legs belonged to some other girl entirely. Something uncomfortable was... in me down there, something else cool and smooth pressed gently against my vaguely-sensed thigh. I tried to move my hand, whimpering, to discover what it was...

Another hand caught mine and gently restrained it.

"Leave that, my lovely," said a voice. "It's a catheter. Abigail, I'm Tammy, I'm a nurse. You're in the ICU; we've had you here for a few hours already. There's all sorts of stuff plugged into you, so be careful moving, okay?"

"Okay..." I whispered. "What..."

"You had a severe allergic reaction to something you ate. You passed out and hit your head, and you've been in and out for the past while. Do you remember anything at all?"

"Not... really. Think... was at... Kim's birthday party. Cake..."

"Well, you're here and we're on top of it, so you can relax, okay? Just rest a bit, alright?"

"Okay..."

I managed to open an eye and tried to focus on her, but my vision was blurrier than usual. I gave up and closed my eye again.

"Time... is it?" I whispered.

"It's three in the morning. I just came in to check on your vitals and I'm done with that now, so I'll dim the lights for you and you try to get a bit more rest, okay? Doctor will be around in the morning; don't worry, you're in good hands and you're going to be fine. If you need me, there's a pad by your right hand with a call button on it. Here," she added, nudging my hand so I could feel where to press. "There you go, see?"

"... kay."

There was nothing I could do; I was far too weak to even think of wanting to move, and everything hurt at some strange distance.

So I let go and faded back into my dreams.

I slept.

.:.

"Oh my God, Abby," Kim whispered through her tears. "Oh my God, don't you ever dare scare us like that again."

Grant stared down at me from next to her; he clasped her hand tightly in his. That was nice, I thought to myself. It was about time he'd manned up and worked up the courage...

"They say they think it was an allergic reaction," Kim added. "Why didn't you say!"

"Didn't know..." I answered. "Guess I've never... eaten whatever..."

"I feel so guilty, I should have just gone vanilla!" she wailed. She tried to lean forward to hold me, then realised she couldn't, and stood there awkwardly for a moment before she scrubbed at her eyes and sniffed.

Then she fumbled my right hand into hers and held it tightly, fiddling with my fingers in her decades-old way.

It felt nice, like it always did when she held my hand... but I'd felt a nicer hand; I just couldn't remember where or when right now.

"Sorry for spoiling... your birthday..." I managed.

"Yeah, you selfish bitch," she sniffed. "I'm never, ever going to forgive you for at least a week this time."

"Sorry..."

"No, shut up," she said, punctuating the words with a squeeze. "You're alive, that's all that matters to me. I'll have another birthday next year, I'll never ever be lucky enough to have another you."

I managed a smile for her. We'd been best friends since year two, and Kimberly was often the only bright thing in my life. She was twenty-five now. I'd be twenty-five in a month. We'd bonded over that, back when we were children...

Shit. My parents!

"Kim?" I gasped. "Kim, my mum and dad... they must be worried sick..."

"They are, you donkey. Do you honestly think I didn't call them! I called them earlier... hang on, here, let me..."

She dug in her bag and pulled out my battered iPhone. She helped me unlock it, and helped me dial my mum, and cradled the headset to my ear as my mum sobbed on the other side and I tried not to blub on this one.

And when we were done, she hung up for me and leaned forward to brush my fringe back from my eyes.

A nurse passed by. "Visiting time's over," she reminded us gently. "You can come back at five."

"Okay," Kim answered her. She turned back to me. "I've got your purse and glasses and everything else, okay? I'll bring them this evening, okay?"

"And we'll take you home when they let you out," Grant added. "No arguments, yeah?"

"No arguments," I whispered. "Thanks... for everything..."

"Get better and we're even," he said. "And if you ever do this again, I'll kill you myself, got it?"

Kim elbowed him; he pretended to yelp, then caught her hand in his once more.

"Deal," I agreed, managing a smile for them.

They were cute together; I was glad.

Kim leaned forward and kissed my brow again.

"I love you forever," she said. "Just rest up a bit, yes?"

"I will. I love you too."

"Sleep, okay? See you later."

Grant squeezed my hand; and they left me there.

I slept.

.:.

I felt a whole lot better about life in general once I was allowed to use the loo - even if one of the nurses had to station herself outside in case I conked over again. Kim brought me a charger, and my glasses, and I was able to catch up on several days worth of series on the slow NHS Wi-Fi while the shadows tracked across the ward's wall and floor. I also quickly worked out that it was Monday - I'd lost Sunday entirely in all the fun - and I sent an apologetic email to my boss explaining where I was and what had happened.

Beds around me filled and emptied; soon I felt like a long-timer, I took to judging each arrival and guessing how long they'd be present.

But the game dulled quickly, especially by late on Tuesday night.

I'd downloaded a Teach-Yourself-Go app; I'd been meaning to learn for years and it seemed as good a time as any. But my concentration wasn't there, I was finding the various rules inscrutable, and I was about to sack it in for the night when I glimpsed a flicker of green in my peripheral vision.

I looked up... and dropped my phone in surprise.

"Well, hello there," said the most stunning woman I'd ever seen in my life.

She crossed her arms and grinned down at me.

I stared up at her, at the heavenly blue eyes, at the straight, jet black hair pulled into the severe ponytail, at the faint freckles that dappled her perfect cheeks...

"You. I remember you!" I somehow managed to say at last. "Or at least... I think I do..."

"And I definitely remember you. I'm glad to see you're almost ready to check out of here," she said, eyes twinkling. "You gave me a bit of a scare, you know. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that."

"Was... did... was I..."

"You gave it a very good try, yes," she said, grin fading slightly. "But I'm very persistent. How are you feeling?"

"Sore. Tired. Spaced out. Um... sorry, I'm sure you told me this, but... who are you?"

She laughed, and her laugh sent little sparks of delight everywhere inside me.

"I'm Nell," she said. "And you're Abby. It's nice to meet you properly."

"Um... yeah," I said, as I suddenly remembered that all I had on was the paper-thin baby-blue hospital gown. I tugged my blankets up my legs for modesty, conscious that I was blushing fiercely. "Um... so... do you work here?"

"I'm stationed here, and I spend a lot of time riding up and down the lifts here, so yeah. I suppose I do technically work here," she said. She smiled. "But mostly I'm out there, playing at being a hero. Anyway, I just thought I'd pop in; I was up in ICU and Tams mentioned you'd likely be out tomorrow so I reckoned this would be the last chance I'd get to check in on you. Now I have, and now I know you're fine, so that's some nice positive closure for me. Take care of yourself and make sure you find out whatever it was that caused that Anaphylactic episode, yeah?"

"Wait!" I gasped as she turned away.

"Mm?"

I reached out, hand open, mutely begging.

She frowned at me... then sighed. She stepped closer, and took my hand in hers, and opened her mouth as if she were about to say something; but she clearly wasn't expecting me to raise the back of her palm and press it to my cheek.

"Oh," she said, her voice going strangely faint for a moment.

Her fingers were just as soft and warm as I remembered. They felt perfect in my hand.

I somehow managed to meet her gaze - and I gulped hard, swallowing the sudden ache in my throat.

"Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for... being there for me."

"I'm part of a great team," she answered, after a moment. "But I'm glad I could be there for you."

She hesitated, then reached up to gently boop my nose. I reluctantly let her hand go; she gave me a strange, lopsided smile.

"Be well, Abby," she added.

"Be safe... Nell," I answered.

She turned and took a couple of steps away, then paused and glanced back at me.

"See you around," she said.

"I really hope so," I said, stupidly.

Another, almost bittersweet smile... and she walked off towards the lifts.

I craned my neck, watching her until she vanished behind some screens. Then I slumped back, heart thumping, feeling lost and strangely alone.

And I hardly managed to sleep a wink that night; I was too busy thinking about her.

.:.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay? I'm quite happy to stay here, we took the day off..."

Kim was mothering me, and as much as I appreciated it I reckoned Grant had other things he'd rather be doing, judging by the way he kept staring at her bum.

So I did my usual wing-girl thing and took one for the team.

"I'm sure the two of you have better things to do with your time than babysit me," I answered.

Kim flushed, Grant grinned at me - he knew I knew, and I knew he appreciated it.

"Yeah, I thought as much," I added with a smirk. "Christ, it took you two long enough."

"Be nice, Abby," Grant said.

"No. I'm ginger, nice isn't in my skill set," I said.

"Liar," Kim declared. "You are the nicest of all."

"And you're a spoilsport," I told her.

She fetched my duvet for me and helped me settle in on the couch.

"Are you sure..."

"Oh my God! Just fuck off already, will you? I'm fine, Kim. I promise I'm fine. I'm just a bit sore. I'll keep my phone with me and call if I start feeling strange. The antihistamines they gave me should be all I need, okay?"

She gave me a dubious look, then sighed.

"You really are the most stubborn and infuriating person I know," she declared.

"It's why you love me so much."

"I do question why, sometimes."

"Hah. Go enjoy the sun. I'll be fine. I'm going to walk to the library or something, and I'll ping you to let you know I'm fine. Right?"

"Okay then, little miss grumpy pants. See you later, yeah?"

"Later," I said, waving.

My door clicked closed. I yawned and stretched. My side still ached from where I'd apparently hit the table, and my temple was still tender from where I'd hit the floor despite James' desperate attempt to catch me. I had good friends, I thought to myself. They'd done the right thing, and I'd been... fortunate.

So utterly and inexplicably fortunate, given the alternatives.

I picked up one of the Epipens that the hospital pharmacy had dispensed to me and peered at the little clear window in its side. I fumbled the pamphlet open, read it, and then found and watched an instructional video on how to avoid impaling myself on it.

Then I spent an amusing couple of minutes feeling vaguely ill and sorry for myself before I shook it all off and slouched over to my little kitchenette.

I turned on my kettle and dug out a teabag from my sparse stash.

I wondered what the trigger for my emergency had been. It couldn't be nuts, I thought - I practically lived off peanut butter. Ditto for dairy, ditto for eggs. Something in the icing, maybe? It had tasted strange... new... I had an appointment at the allergy clinic; they'd already bumped me up the list because I'd had such a severe reaction. So I supposed that was something; at least I'd get an answer sooner rather than later.

My tea brewed.

I plonked my bum down on one of my two cheap stools and stared at the darkening liquid while my mind drifted to the weird, vaguely-remembered space I'd been when I'd been... well, wherever I'd been. In that deep, inky ocean, so far removed from light...

I shuddered.

And then my thoughts flitted onwards to Nell. I shifted on my seat, and enjoyed the little aching pang in my heart.

God, what a gorgeous woman. So completely different to my ususal type, but so very much my type. Shorter than me, fit rather than slender from what little her work clothes had hinted at...

I watched the gentle whorls of steam that rose from my cup.

I thought about her hair. Her hands. Her voice. And oh God, that smile.

I'd felt so... safe. It was such a strange feeling. I went through my life nearly always anticipating the next catastrophe; I was always hedging my bets, always planning for the worse outcomes. It... stunted me. I knew it did, I knew it vexed Kim and I knew it was unhealthy. People sensed the cloud of gloom; the intentional pessimism that shielded me from highs and lows...

But with her... with Nell, just for a brief moment...

I'd felt calm, and safe, and... free.

I sighed.

I wondered where she was.

Probably scraping someone else off the floor, I thought, grimmacing. I knew enough to know that you didn't become an EMT if you wanted a quiet life. Not in inner London.

I sipped my tea.

Her eyes had been such a perfect china blue...

No, stop that.

I knew that I was growing restless. My aches and pains were just that, and the lure of the bright May sunshine and a free weekday morning to enjoy it in was growing hard to resist. I checked the weather on my phone, and checked in on work to make sure nobody was looking for me, then made up my mind. I dug out my small, battered knapsack and stuffed some water and antihistamines and my brand new Epipens into it. I added a jumper after a moment's thought.

I pulled on Dad's hand-me-down Canterbury hoodie, and I closed my spartan little flat's door behind me.

It was chilly, even with the bright sun. I pulled the sleeves of Dad's hoodie down over my hands. The world was bustling; squadrons of pensioners were taking their morning constitutionals, and yummy mummies were out and about with their weaponised prams. I knew the Arsenal gardens would be busy, but I suspected I'd still be able to find a sheltered nook somewhere on the north side.

I stepped through the gates, and into the carefully-husbanded patch of greenery shoe-horned into this part of London's ubiquitous grey.

I wound my way along the winding paths, staring up at the fresh buds that were starting to show on all the trees above me.

Life was busy everywhere.

I thought about Nell's words, her hint that I'd almost... not made it. I rubbed at my arms, chilled by the finality of that thought.

The nurses, I suddenly thought. I should take the ICU nurses some chocolates or something to say thank you. The news was always so full of stories about how overworked they were, the long hours, the awful conditions... Yes. I'd do that. Chocolates, and a nice card or something.

Perhaps I could leave something for Nell, too... something small that she could enjoy in a break between rescue missions.

Perhaps she'd smile. I hoped she would.

Her gorgeous eyes flashed to the forefront of my memory again; her beautiful lips and the cuve of her grin.

I sighed again.

I knew I had a bad case of hero worship. Best I could do was try to let it pass. I'd never see her again, anyway. And she was totally out of my league, and likely straight just in case the world needed one more way to add insult to injury...

What a pity.

I walked through the old iron gate at the north-western corner of the gardens, found a bus stop on the route I needed, and started making my way back into the city. I caught a bus, and then a second, and hopped off again outside the big glass and brick edifice of Borough Hospital. I ducked into the local Co-op and found a ridiculously large tub of Quality Street chocolates, some wrapping paper, a small box of really posh champagne truffles, and two cards.

I filled in the first card with a generic "Thanks for looking after me" and wrapped the tub of chocolates. I carefully enshrined the truffles in a complex origami box, and agonized over the message I wanted to leave in the card that would accompany it.

At last, I settled on a simple "Thank you for everything," and was about to seal the card into its envelope when some sudden madness drove me to scrawl down a second line beneath the first - a desperately awful "You have the prettiest eyes."

I stared down at the words, and thought about buying a replacement card for a proper, restrained thank-you message...

And I suddenly found myself wondering why I cared?

It was as if a weight fell away. Life was short, as I'd just been shown... and I'd miss every chance I didn't take. Who'd ever know about this moment of supreme, sublime uselessness besides me, after all? So I added the digits of my phone number, and a single little closing x for luck.

Cheeks flaming fiercely, I sealed the card away. I took a deep breath for courage and slunk into the hospital. I stood patiently in line and explained my mission to the ultimately lovely and quite sympathetic lady at the front desk who got a passing nurse to ride up to the ICU floor with me and, smiling, escort me in. Tammy wasn't on duty but one of the other nurses who'd looked after me was; she was absolutely delighted to see the chocolates and promised she'd share them.

She also smiled when I asked if I could leave something for Nell.

"She'll be on shift tonight. I'll make sure she gets it, pet," she said. "Take care now!"

I walked out into the spring sunshine feeling very ill-at-ease and almost... shaken.

I'd taken such liberties. I'd been such a reckless idiot.

She'd probably laugh.

But... I'd done it, and anything that happened from this point onwards was out of my hands.

I went home.

.:.

"You did what?"

Kim was aghast. Grant, meanwhile, was purple-faced and desperately trying to fend off the cackles he so clearly needed to let out.

"Abby, oh my fucking stars, you can't just go around giving out your phone number to randoms!"

I shrugged and dug at my cheesecake.

"Stop laughing," Kim yelled at Grant. She kicked his calf under the table, and nodded to herself in satisfaction he yelped. "Stop encouraging her," she added in mounting fury. "She's... this is... I mean..."

And then she dropped her face in her hands and just sat there.

Grant and I shared amused glances; I waggled my eyebrows and he stuck out his tongue at me. We were used to Kim's theatrics. She was an extremely demonstrative creature, and some of my favourite memories involved her "moments".

"You're impossible, Abby," she said, at last, not bothering to raise her head from her hands.

I shrugged again, and deliberately ate another slice of cheesecake.

"So did she respond?" Grant asked, once he could speak without shaking.

"No."

"Oh," he said. He took a breath, tried to put on a brave face for me. "Well, I suppose..."

"... it was a long shot," I said, finishing his sentence for him as I sometimes liked to do. "But it was something I needed to do."

Grant leaned forward, curious.

"Why?"

"Because she was..."

I paused, searching for the right word.

"She was what?" he hinted, after I'd been silent for quite some time.

"Breathtaking," I said, at last.

Kim glanced up, then pushed her fringe abruptly back. "You've never said that before, Abby. You've never said that word about anyone."

"No," I agreed. She was right, I hadn't. There'd never been any need to do so.

I let out a dramatic sigh of my own. "It was a nice... dream, I suppose. A pleasant interlude. Besides, what are the numbers? There's a three percent chance or lower that she's gay. That's stupid odds; nobody would take those. And even if she were she'd be in a long-term thing. Nobody as stunning as her is single. It's just not how things work. Not in my world, at any rate..."

My demi-sister gave me a long, sombre look.

"Abby, don't give up hope," she said. "You're lovely. Look at me..."

"The difference is that I know you're straight, and I know for a fact he is from the way he's always stared at your bum," I said. Grant flushed but didn't deny it. "Plus, he's gorgeous and he's your type and he's always adored you, even if you were too blind to see or admit that."

Grant squirmed; Kim reached out and took his hand.

"Yeah, I guess he is at that," she agreed. "But... Abby, I'm sure there are lots of girls who'd be really nice. There are apps and things now..."

"I don't want apps and things, I want lightning from out of a blue sky above me. I don't want to have to settle, Kim," I said. "I've settled for so many other things. I don't want to have to settle for this... too..."

And suddenly the lump was back in my throat and the world was blurry.

And Kim shuffled around and wrapped her arms around me and just held me until the urge to cry had passed on and down the river and out to sea.

"Sorry," I whispered. I sniffed and wiped at my eyes.

"You'll find someone," she whispered back. "You will. I know you will. You're the sweetest, kindest girl I know. You always have been. There's someone out there who's desperate to meet you; they just don't know it yet, that's all."

I squeezed my eyes closed and tucked my face back into her neck.

"Thank you," I whispered at last. "I'm okay now."

"I know you are, sweetheart," she answered. "I know you are. But I love your hugs more than almost anything else on earth, so I'm just going to steal a bit more me time from you if you don't mind."

And I let her.

They bracketted me as they walked me home, Grant on one side, Kim on the other, and their love weathered the jagged edges of my loneliness just as it always had. I smiled for them both, promised Kim that I would be fine, hugged Grant as hard as I felt appropriate, which was very, and kissed my best friend and light-side twin on her cheek.

"Thank you for picking me," I told her, and she gave me her usual bemused smile. But this time it faded and she stared down at me, eyes dark and soulful as she watched me for a long moment.

"What?" I said.

"Just... worried about you," she said. "Don't go strange on me, okay?"

"I'm already strange."

"Well... don't go stranger."

"I won't."

"I'm going to hold you to that," she said. "Call me if you need us, okay?"

"Go have fun. I'll be fine."

"Love you," she said, as she turned away.

"Have a nice shag," I said.

"Thanks," she said, "We intend to."

And Grant laughed and put his arm around her as they stepped away.

I waited until they'd reached the stairwell, then let myself into my flat and closed the door behind me. I brewed a mug of tea and stood at my window as it cooled, staring out at the sparsely-lit suburbs. A jet's lights winked in the twilight as it tracked in towards Heathrow; I watched it flash in and out of view behind lines of thin cloud.

I wondered where Nell was, and whether she'd even got my thank-you gift and card.

She'd probably eaten the chocolates and binned the rest. I doubted I was the only weirdo who fixated on the first person I saw after an... escapade.

I rolled the tension out of my shoulders.

I made a cheap and cheeful meal, ate it, and lost myself on the Internet for a while.

A quick shower, my soft pink pyjamas, and largely-dreamless sleep.

My phone pinged at some point in the night, but I was far too lazy and sleepy to wake up enough to check it. Likely some stupid app notification that I'd simply not muted yet, or some meme from one of our idiot friend circle.

I slept.

.:.

The message was waiting on my lock screen when I woke up.

I stared at it, trying to work out why I was getting smiley faces from random phone numbers.

Then my brain jolted into gear.

"Shit," I whispered

I fumbled at my phone, got into my messages, and stared.

I'm guessing this is Abby. The choccies were delish and the box was beautiful. Being given phone numbers is a new vice, though... so, how are you? :)

My heart went from zero to crackers without touching ground. I took a breath, then took several quick ones to try to calm myself. I shuffled back up against my pillows and squinted down at the blurry text.

It was Nell. She'd responded! And... informally too! No "Stop stalking me you crazy witch," no "Don't contact me again..."

It was clearly an invitation for me to respond.

I thought, and then gave up on thinking. Thinking solved nothing, doing was the appropriate response.

Abby: I'm good. Just... wanted to say thank you with something more physical than words.

I stared down at my phone for a moment, hoping she'd respond when she could.

My alarm started to ring; I silenced it and slid out of bed. I dug out some clean underwear and changed, then pulled on my new blue jeans and paired them with a bubblegum-blue tee that I'd bought the prior week. I ate a quick breakfast, struggled into my jumper, and grabbed my laptop bag on the way out the door.

The bus was on time for once; I found a seat midway down by the window and wedged myself in against the side. We lurched into motion, taking a young girl who was still walking down the aisle by surprise. She had spectacular reflexes; we shared a grin and a smiling man gave her a thumbs up for her agile recovery.

But my commute soon ground to a complete halt as the bus tried to merge into the main road.

"Ladies and gents," came the driver's voice over the intercom. "Sorry for the delay, but it looks like there's been an accident on the road up ahead. My dispatcher is telling me that we're looking at at least a twenty minute delay..."

Groans erupted all around me.

"... and that's likely to get worse before it gets better. If you're in a hurry, come up to the front and I'll open the doors and you can all climb out here and make your way up to New Cross."

I sighed, and stood, and made my way out onto the road. I slung my bag over my back and started walking in amongst all the other walkers who'd opted for shanks's pony as opposed to waiting. Up ahead were blue lights; I could see several response vehicles and the big yellow box of an ambulance. As I closed the scene shifted and clicked into focus - car versus cyclist, a tale as old as time. I winced. It was never a good outcome; all my bike-riding friends had had frequent close shaves, and I'd gone to more than one vigil for others who'd run out of luck...

An EMT stood and turned.

I stared across the scant few yards as the shock of recognition blossomed between us. Nell met my gaze for a breathless second, maybe two - then her perfect smile flickered on and she winked at me. Our moment passed like a dream; she continued her turn and walked purposefully to the back of the ambulance, where she disappeared from view.

The world seemed to dim when she was no longer visible in it.

I sighed, took a breath, and resumed my walk. I didn't want to be a distraction.

I reached New Cross station, found a bus stop for another bus route that would go vaguely where I needed it to, and boarded the first bus when it arrived. I sat the rest of the way into London, buzzing and dazed, thinking of little but her eyes and the way she'd smiled.

I wondered if that meant she'd been pleased to see me.

I'd already saved her number to my contacts and given her a whimsical little ambulance as her photo, so I knew it was her the moment the message arrived just before lunch.

Nell: Busy morning! You gave me quite a shock, being there and staring at me like that! I like that kind of surprise :)

I stared down at her message, trying to think of something glib...

My phone pinged.

Nell: So, are you stalking me or something? ;)

"What? No!" I exclaimed, instinctively. My face flamed red as colleagues turned and glanced my way. I scooped up my phone and scuttled to the kitchen for privacy.

Abby: Um... not stalking... well, not entirely...

I made myself some tea and carried the mug back to my desk. I sat, and fiddled, and then answered an email as a method to stop prevent me from staring at my phone, but I still twitched when it chimed.

Nell: Hah! I caught you in the act! : D it was... nice... to see you there. Pity I couldn't chat but work's like that

Abby: what you do is important

Nell: I know. But it would be nice to get a breather sometimes. ttyl :)

TTYL... talk to you later? It must be, nothing else would easily fit.

I guessed that something had happened and she'd be off her phone for a while. Which was good, really, because I needed to concentrate on what I was doing and her... upbeat... responses had made that... difficult.

I finished my daily reporting. I devoted most of my thirty minute lunch break to thinking about her, before forcing her out for the remainder of the afternoon. I caught up on everything my unplanned hospital stay had put me behind on. I logged off at six and was packing up my laptop when my phone pinged again.

Nell: Woo - shift's done. I'm a free agent. Are you still in the city and do you eat noodles?

Abby: yes, and yes

Nell: Itsu, Aldgate, 7pm. I'll be waiting. :)

I didn't even harbour a moment of hesitation.

I frantically began to ram things into my bag. I checked the tube statuses by habit, but Aldgate wasn't much more than half a mile and I could probably walk it quicker than the Circle Line would get me there. So I exitted our building, set my nose towards the east and started swimming through the ocean of commuters. Even my gloomy internal monologue was upbeat for once.

I reached Aldgate with ten minutes to spare, and slunk into the heaving restaurant. I pounced on two empy seats in a corner and claimed them, then twisted on the one closest to the wall so I could survey the door.

I knew I didn't have long to wait, but even so my doubts were intensifying swiftly. Was I misreading the signals I thought she'd been sending? Was this just a... friendly check-up?

There was just no way she was into girls. Even if she was, there was just no way I'd be her type. Things like that didn't happen to me...

She appeared and paused just inside the threshold, standing up on her toes and scanning. The smile she smiled when she saw me silenced my internal monologue, but the butterflies took over immediately and built to a roaring crescendo as she undulated her way through the other patrons and joined me in the nook.

God, she was amazing.

"Well hello there," she said, eyes sparkling. "And no fair, beating me here. I had a whole scene scripted and now you've robbed me of it."

"Hi," I managed. "Sorry," I added, trying to shed my habitual slouch, trying to smile through a face that felt paralysed by rising panic.

Her eyes missed nothing.

She caught my hand, and raised it, and pressed the back of it to her cheek. She grinned at the little gasp I gave, the stupid little shivery sigh that betrayed me.

"You look smart," she said, as she eased down onto the chair beside mine. "Very posh."

"You look... different," I whispered, blushing furiously. Her black poloneck and blue jeans clung to her and left far less to the imagination than her work clothes had. She was stunning.

"So..." we both said, at the same time, and she laughed in delight.

"So," she said, first to recover. "Hello. It's... oh, wow, it's nice to see you in this completely non-work-related way."

"I'm sorry for stalking..."

She laughed again, and I held my breath for a heartbeat as she reached out and rested her hand on my forearm. "No, no, don't be," she said, shaking her head. "It was certainly a novel experience that it was girl who was doing it, but so far it's looking to have been a positive one."

"Oh," I somehow managed. I'd never felt so shy in front of someone. Something about her just left me feeling utterly tongue-tied and stupid.

"So... you're a City worker then?" she asked.

"Yeah," I admitted. "Like almost all of us, I guess."

"Fewer than you'd think," she said. "But more than enough to please me," she added. "I'm very shallow in some ways. Easilly amused," she added, smirking.

I stared at her, trying to work out the subtext of what she was saying.

Was she...

But she'd already moved on to the menu, finger tracing briskly across the laminate.

"Right," she said. "I know what I'm having. I come here far too often. You?"

"I... think so," I said. "I like the chicken gyoza..."

"Are you allergic to anything in it?" she said.

"Er... I'd have said no, but..."

"It's fine, I've got superpowers. I'll take that as a no. Right. Be right back..."

"But..." I began to protest.

"My treat this time," she said. She grinned and added "Next time's on you."

I watched her weave her way to the counter, the words "next time" chasing themselves around in my head. I took a slow breath and pondered her - this absolute human whirlwind. I felt dangerously out-of-control - and a dark little part of me absolutely loved it.

I shifted my chair slightly closer to hers - just the merest smidgen nearer - so that when she returned she'd hopefully brush against me once or twice. She had to squeeze to get past, but she didn't seem to care much at all about personal space as she put my food down for me.

As we ate, I realised that she was pushing her leg against mine far, far more than even my fiddling with the seating should have made her need to.

I stared at her, and tried to summon up the courage to ask her the question I desperately needed answered. But I failed.

Instead, we talked about small things, about my job and how she'd got into being an EMT and our likes and hates and hobbies.

And I found myself laughing far more than I was used to, and watching her far more than was safe, and more than once I stared at her, wondering how it would feel to feel her... moving... against me.

A gentle flush had pinked her cheeks; her eyes seemed even more intense than I could remember. I caught myself twirling my hair between my fingers, and as I stopped, irritated with myself, she caught the strands I'd freed and slowly wound them around her own fingers until the warm, smooth skin of her palm gently carressed my cheek and I stared at her, struck dumb for a long, breathless moment.

An ache was building deep inside me.

I swallowed hard and tried to look away, but I was drawn back to her and that rogueish smile that she smiled so very, very well.

"You're laughing at me," I said.

"No. Not at you," she said.

"Then what?"

"Just... feeling really lucky," she said. "Lucky that I found you. Lucky that our worlds touched. Lucky that you left me some way to... find you."

She took a breath, and seemed to hesitate.

"And... lucky that you're... interesting," she added, softly. "And, I think... interested?"

And just like that, she gave me the key I needed to unlock the words I needed to say.

"I like touching your world," I said, throwing caution to the winds and not caring about the stupid double meaning. "I'm... glad, you know. I'm glad that it was you. Who found me, I mean. Um..."

My cheeks were flaming, I felt stupid and... alive, all at once.

She trailed a fingertip along my jaw; I stared into her eyes and forgot everything else but how much I wanted her to want me.

And how desperately hoped that this was real, and that she wanted me for more than just a moment or two's stolen affection.

"I start early tomorrow," she said, suddenly. She sighed and released me as she sat back. "I'd love to stay here with you, or even better go somewhere else with you... but shifts are hard enough so I need to go and sleep. I can't let Dave and the rest of my team down."

"Where's home?" I asked.

"Brixton," she answered. "My flatmate's a nurse, so our schedules are hilarious. Right, angel - it's coming on for my witching hour, I need to go."

"Do you do everything you do at this... intensity?"

"Yes. Life is short, and I plan to live mine to the full. Come on."

She stood and grabbed our bowls. I pulled on my jacket and watched her as she quickly and efficiently dumped everything into the recycling and wiped off her hands with a wipe from her tiny daypack. She turned, smiled at me, and inclined her head towards the door. I met her part way and narrowly avoided stumbling as she unceremoniously pressed up against me and took my hand in hers.

We exited hand-in-hand. She applied some pressure and steered us around towards the southwest. "It's Monument for me," she said. "My bus stop is there."

"Oh," I said. "That's tragic. I need to catch the one just down the road..."

"How about I walk you there, then?"

And of course I wouldn't say no to that. So she tugged me along in her wake past the golden puddles of light cast by London's deserted nighttime monuments to Commerce, and pulled me to a halt in a patch of evening just short of my bus stop.

"I've had fun, Abby," she announced. "I enjoyed taking this chance with you. Next time, you choose."

"So there's going to be a next time?"

"Of course there's going to be a next time," she said, grinning at me. "It will need to be the weekend; I get a break between days and nights. But I'll phone you before then if that's okay? First dates can be spontaneous, seconds need planning."

Her words whirled through me.

"... dates? We were on a date?"

"Weren't we?" she replied, laughing at me. "It absolutely felt like one to me, and I'd really like another."

"I'd... like that... too " I somehow managed to answer.

"Mhmm. I rather thought you might. Right, gorgeous... now... there's just one more thing that we need to sort out..."

"What's..."

She rudely interrupted me by pushing me back against the nearest wall and pressing herself right up against me as she kissed me. I moaned deep in my throat and clung to her, overwhelmed by her, panting hard into her neck when she finally released me.

"Oh my God, oh my God," I moaned. "Oh my God, that was... that was unfair."

"That," she retorted breathlessly, "was to punish you for being so very, very wonderful and wicked."

She leaned slowly in and kissed me again, but softly this time, soft as a breath of air, soft as shadows, soft enough to melt me utterly...

And she wrapped her arms around me and simply held me as I moaned and shivered in her arms...

"Oh, oh," I panted, undone. "Oh my fuck, oh my..."

"And that, gorgeous," she whispered into my ear, "That was to make sure you're waiting for my call. Wow. Wow, I'm all dizzy now. Heart's all helter-skelter. You kiss well. Abby - thanks for the pleasure of your company tonight. It was really nice. Really nice. See you soon, pet."

"Yes... please..." I whimpered, still shaking.

She smiled, gave me a demure little goodnight peck, and sauntered off into the dusk, turning only once wave at me. I remained braced against the wall for some moments more before I finally felt steady enough to move.

I ached for her.

No, I burned for her.

A middle aged woman was waiting at the bus stop; I skulked in beside her. She gave me a small smile and an amused nod but said nothing, and I was profoundly grateful for that.

All my words had been stolen away by Nell's kisses. My language center had spontaneously combusted. The skin of my toes and the small of my back were still tingling with aftershocks.

My heart didn't calm until long after I got home, and I didn't sleep until Nell had replied with a heart to my silly little smiley-face message.

I slept, but it was restless sleep, and I woke up far from rested.

I wanted her beside me. I wanted her pressed up against me. I wanted those kisses. I wanted that smile to be the first thing I saw on waking.

I wanted her.

.:.

"You have got to be kidding me. A date? With her? And you didn't even phone me to tell me? You heartless bitch," Kim squealed. "Tell me everything! Immediately! Quickly or I'll explode!"

I smiled, turned, paced my living area's five yard width before turning again.

"She's... amazing," I breathed. "Oh my God, she's amazing."

"So... did you guys snog?"

"Yes," I said, blushing hot at the memory.

"Oh my God! Abby! And?"

"I lost my words," I said.

"What?"

"I... I lost any ability to think, to speak, to... everything."

"Wow. That good?"

"Totally that good."

"And... apart from the looks and the kisses... what's she like?"

"She's... loud. Brash. Driven. Hilarious. Gorgeous. Very go-go-go. It's... intoxicating."

"Mm. I'm glad. I hope it turns into more than a couple of dates. Don't Eeyore at her!"

"I'll try not to."

"Abby?"

"Mm?"

"Forget everything I've ever said. Forget every time I've ever told you to be careful or go slow or watch out. Okay? Be brave. Go for it."

"Um... Kim? Are you suffering from some sort of neurological..."

"Oh, shut it you silly cow. I just... I... for fuck sakes, Abby, I just want something to go right for you for once, okay?"

I swallowed hard, eyes blurring.

"I don't deserve you," I whispered, after a while.

"Ditto. But I've got you and I'm keeping you, even if whats-her-tits sweeps you off your feet, okay? Love you pet, I've got to go, boss is making murder-eyes at me."

"Love you. Mwa."

Kim cut the link and I slumped back against the wall.

I opened my messages; checked the "Good morning x" I'd sent her that she hadn't responded to yet.

I hoped she was having a quiet shift.

My commute was normal and I was in the office early as I always preferred to be. I did all my usual value-added things - coffee with the small coterie of other young women for our midmorning sanity walk, lunch with Gemma from admin who'd had her eyes on a guy and was bursting to tell me the juicy details, and a mid-afternoon barrage of meetings regarding changing project priorities for our little agency, none of which would directly affect my day to day.

My phone remained silent, and the silence began to bug me.

I wondered what a typical shift was for her. What time she got up, whether the sun had risen before she was setting out on her first call, how many people she'd lost, how many she'd saved...

It seemed a break-neck existence. I knew some people were called to it, but... it had to be hard. I'd watched enough serieses and documentaries - especially in the past few days - to know that it was a hard, hard calling.

I wished she'd answered my message. I hoped she was safe.

But I was none the wiser as I made my dimly-lit way back up the stairs of my small apartment block, nor had that situation changed as I cooked myself a spartan supper.

you busy? I sent Kim.

not right this second, phone?

yes please

And I smiled as my handset immediately began to vibrate from Kim's incoming call.

"Hey boo," she bubbled. "You okay?"

"Just at a loose end. Long slow day, no contact from her, so..."

"She's probably busy."

"I know. It's just..."

"You're not the most patient of people, sometimes, right?"

"Yeah," I agreed. "And... and I guess I'm worried that maybe it was all a dream."

"Mm," Kim murmured. "It didn't sound like a dream. Don't start Eeyoring, I know you're about to."

"I'm just tired, Kim."

"Tired... of being alone?"

"Yeah."

"So... why are you waiting for her to reach out to you?"

"Sorry?" I said, taken aback.

"I know you, Abby. I know you like the back of my hand. You've been thinking about her constantly since yesterday, right?"

"... yes," I admitted.

"So phone her, dummy!"

"But..."

"Abby, oh my God. Seriously, get a grip. She kissed you! She is obviously into you..."

"I just wish..."

My phone beeped, and began to vibrate. I pulled it away from my ear and stared at it.

"Um... shit. Kim, she's trying to phone me. Shit! What do I do?"

"Answer it, dummy! I'm hanging up, ping me later, love you!"

She hung up on me. I stared at the second, waiting call. The bright green, pulsing "Accept" button taunted me.

I took a breath... and answered.

"Hey," I managed. "Hi. How are you?"

"Hey," came her voice, after a moment. And then a sigh. "Sorry. Hi. Um..."

"What is it?" I said, shifting. I turned, paced to my window, stared out into the gathering gloom. "What's wrong?"

A pause.

"Um... I'm really sorry for not answering earlier, it's just been mad, and then..."

Another sigh, another silence.

"Are you home?" she asked, hesitantly.

"Yes, for an hour or so now. You?"

"Oh. That's... nice. Um... I'm not. Home yet, I mean. I'm still on a bus, just getting to London Bridge. Kind of par for the course for today, really... "

I leaned against the windowframe and frowned.

"Nell? What's wrong? Is... is this about last night?"

"No. Well. Not really. I'm..."

Yet another silence. I waited. I was very good at waiting.

"Actually," she said at last. "Actually, that's a lie. It is because of last night. It's because of last night that I'm... calling you now."

"What is it?" I softly answered, waiting for the inevitable shoe to drop.

"I was hoping that you weren't... busy right now. I was hoping that I could come and... see you," she continued. "I can't go home right now. I'd be alone and I can't be alone right now. Not after today. I know we've just met, and I know I'm... pushing my luck. But... but I have nobody else I could ask this right now, and..."

My heart turned over; I felt I could breathe again.

"I'm in Collett Road in Bermondsey," I answered. "I'll drop you my postcode and a pin. Of course you can come here. Please, I'd... I'd really love to see you. And... I'm guessing from the sound of things that you need a hug, yeah?"

"Yeah. I do. Hold that thought," she whispered. I heard her sniff, and she was silent for a moment.

"Thanks, Abby," she added, voice strangely tight. "You're an angel."

"No, that's your job," I answered, my heart panging with concern. "If you get off just by London Bridge station, near the Post Office, there's a bus stop there that will bring you out this way. Look for the number 47. I'll go and wait for you."

"I'll... see you soon," she said, and broke the connection.

I exhaled, spun, and surveyed the scene. My flat was a disaster zone, but it would have to stay as such. I had some wine, and some tea, and enough food to fix something small for her... she'd be fifteen, maybe twenty minutes. There was no time, it would have to do.

I grabbed my dad's hoodie and clambered into it, then stepped out into the hall and closed my door behind me. I scampered down the two flights of stairs and dashed out into the blustery evening. It was maybe a hundred yards to the bus stop; I scuttled my way to the little lit sanctuary and huddled into the corner, shivering.

It seemed to take forever. Two Number 47's came and went, looming big and red out of the gloom, and I fought the urge to check my phone.

She'd said she was coming, I refused to give into my normal ways and obsess...

A third bus appeared and seemed to inch its way closer through the sea of traffic. As it neared the stop I saw her inside. I watched her stand and make her way to the front doors.

They hissed open, she emerged and stepped down.

She didn't say a word, she just stared at me for a moment.

I spread my arms and waited, offering myself.

Her jaw began to quiver and she moved in against me and let me clasp her to me.

She was shivering. I heard her sniff hard, felt her gulp a breath.

And I responded instinctively; I crossed my arms behind her neck and simply held her to me as tightly and gently as I could as the noise and bustle around us faded away to silence.

It was just her, and me, and her heart was all that mattered.

At last she released me, shifting slightly back.

"Sorry," she whispered, gulping. "It's... it's been an absolutely awful day, and I... I just..."

"Shh, shh," I answered her, shaking my head. "You don't need to explain. Not here, not now, and not to me. Come, my flat's just a bit away, we'll get inside out of this wind and get warm. Okay?"

"Okay," she agreed. She didn't protest as I took her hand, and a little bit of me noticed and perked up at how quickly she entwined her fingers with mine. I towed her along with me, steered her to the battered front door of the ill-named Manor Gardens apartments in which I occupied number 201B, and guided her up the stairs and into my lair.

"Your shoes," I said. "Kick them off if you like, and give me the jacket so I can hang it. The heating's on because I hate the cold, so..."

And she silently removed the jacket and hung it on the hook, then kicked her sneakers into the corner. She turned, closed her eyes, and took a long, slow, shaky breath before exhaling it.

"Sorry," she said, softly. "Sorry for descending on you..."

"You haven't and you didn't. I want you here. I was worried about you... have you eaten?"

"No. I... didn't feel much like it."

"I have noodles and some miso. I'll get it going and if you want some it's all yours."

"That's... really sweet of you."

"I have wine too," I added. "It's not great but..."

"Will you have some too? I don't drink alone. It's... one of my rules."

"Yes, I'll have some with you, if you'd like me to. Come. Sit. Here," I added, taking her arm and guiding her to one of my stools. "Sit," I repeated, nudging her and only releasing her arm once she'd settled.

"You have a nice place here," she said softly. She glanced around, noting the pictures and the few paintings I'd indulged in over the years. "It's... calming. Better than my den, at least."

"I need it to be this way," I answered as I began to dig into the fridge and my tiny little pantry cupboard. "I need it organised or I get demented."

"Demented? I somehow doubt that."

"Oh, Kim could tell you stories."

"Who's Kim?" she asked, her voice flattening and stretching.

I glanced back at her.

"Oh, my best friend and just-about-sister," I said, noting how she seemed to relax a bit as I named Kim as such. "You'd probably like her. She's easy to get on with."

"And by implication... you aren't?"

"Ginger," I said. I caught a lock of my fringe and waggled it at her. "It's in the rule book."

"Uh huh. I'm intensely skeptical based on subjective experience. I find you really easy to get on with."

I smiled and dug out my small pot. I placed it on the stove and turned the kettle on to boil. I dug out two wineglasses and retrieved a half-full bottle of indeterminate Aussie white from my fridge.

And all the while I was conscious of the way she was watching me.

"So how's the view?" I asked, as I poured her glass.

"It's a nice view," she murmured. "As far as these things go."

"Mm," I said, trying to ignore the crawling blush that I knew would soon show. "You did say you were easily pleased."

"I did, but this... you... aren't an easy pleasure," she answered. She glanced away and fidgetted. "This is me at my most... needy and unwise."

I put her wine glass down in front of her, but before she could reach for it I leaned forward to kiss her gently on the lips. She made a noise, but didn't pull away, and I judged... no, I hoped, rather, that this was something more... real... than an any-port-in-a-storm situation.

I lost myself in her eyes for a moment, then pulled back to a more... sensible... distance.

"So," I said, as I scrabbled for a safe subject, "It's going to be miso with tofu, I'm afraid. I haven't been shopping this week, I hope that's okay."

"Only if you're going to sit next to me and eat with me. With your legs pressed up against me, like last night. You made my week, no my month, by doing that, just so you know. I don't get much... attention. Not from girls, anyway," she added softly.

"I enjoyed giving you attention, in case it's unclear."

"Consider it clarified," she said. She managed a brittle little smile.

She sipped her wine, then set the wineglass aside again. "I eat most of my meals alone. Unless Dave and I are on shift and living off takeaways like we always seem to have to. We're regulars at all the drive-thrus. It would be nice to... break that cycle..."

Her expression went weird, and a spasm seemed to seize her jaw and cheek. She coughed, grabbed her wine, and took a savage gulp.

"Fuck," she whispered when she could. "Fuck, I shouldn't have come, I'm not right... I'm sorry, I'm... shit..."

Teardrops had spotted my countertop. I stared at them for a heartbeat... and then I was beside her, clasping her to me as she began to sob.

It took quite some time for her to stop crying. I'd never felt so helpless in all my life as I stood there awkwardly, arm draped over her, the damp stickiness of her tears soaking my shirt and causing the fabric to cling unpleasantly to my midriff.

At last she seemed to reach some sort of nadir, she shuddered, sniffed, and pulled away so that she could wipe her eyes.

"I'm a mess," she managed, voice rough and choked. "And now I'm here, being an idiot, making my inability to cope with my issues yours..."

I pulled her back against me and kissed the crown of her head. She shuddered and burrowed in against me.

"No," I gently corrected her. "Stop. I offered this. Sometimes we just need someone to... take our hand and tell us it will be okay. Like you did," I added.

"You feel... safe," she whispered, some time later.

"You were there for me," I answered her. "Nell? I'm going to top up our wine and boil the kettle again, and see about making food for us. I'd love to eat with you so you can start to break whatever that cycle of yours is, and I'll sit and listen if you want to talk, and I'll shut up if you just want to be quiet, and I'll hold you if all you need is to be held. I'm... here for you, however you need me to be here for you. For as long as you need me to be. I have nowhere else I need to be tonight. I have nothing else I need to do tonight. And there is nothing I'd rather be doing than this, with you, right now. Okay?"

"Okay," she whispered. "Um.... where's your bathroom? I need to... clean up."

"First door on the right. Help yourself to anything you'd like to."

"Thanks, Abby," she whispered. She stood and stumbled down the short apology for a passage, and I sighed as the door clicked closed behind her.

She was not okay. Nobody cried like that if they were okay. Those were the sort of tears I cried when things were bad. I knew them, intimately.

I wondered just precisely what had happened to her today... and yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that...

I turned and busied myself with supper, because if there was one thing I'd learned about her so far tonight - it was that the girl I'd thought I'd met was just a mask that she wore to survive.

Like me in some ways.

It must have taken a lot of bravery - or a lot of pain - to let that facade down in front of me.

And I would not take this brief sense of safety away from her - not at any price.

.:.

We'd ended up in my bed. It had seemed the most logical place, given my pauper's couch and the back-pain it caused. Nell had eaten quietly, drunk a second glass of wine with me, and then silently acquiesced when I'd pulled her to her feet and led her to my bedroom.

I'd turned on my bedside lamp and killed the big light. I'd shed the hoodie and pulled back the covers. She'd sat, turned, lifted her denim-clad legs up before she rolled onto her side, facing the wall, leaving an obvious gap behind her.

Heart hammering, I'd slipped in beside her. I'd pulled the duvet up and covered us both and then lay there for a while before I'd risked putting my hand on her hip.

She'd let out a long, dramatic sigh.

And then she'd squirmed over to face me.

So now we lay there, staring at one another, both probably waiting for the other to speak first. Her finger toyed idly with a lock of my hair; my fingers rested on the curve of her waist and I resisted the temptation to move them from their spot.

At last she took a breath.

"You're really sweet," she said, softly. "Doing this. Being quiet here like this with me. You barely know me. I could be a loony, for all you know."

"You're the one who came home with a strange girl," I retorted. "I think I'm probably going to be okay. Not so sure about you, though," I added.

She reached out and touched my cheek. I nuzzled in against her hand.

"Mm. I like that. You can talk to me, you know," I added. "I'm a good listener."

"Honestly.. it was just an awful day," she whispered after a while. "I'm not usually like this. Usually I can... compartmentalize. But today... I don't want to go into details because... but... it was just fucking awful and grim and..."

"And you're not okay, are you?"

"I'm not even remotely okay," she agreed. "I... see a lot of stuff, Abby. A lot of awful stuff. There's lots that's good, like... like helping you, but there's still so much..."

Her words tapered off. She closed her eyes and seemed to almost hold her breath for a moment or two.

"Was it a bad call?" I breathed.

"The worst I've been to," she whispered, after a long silence. "I saw some coppers crying today - big, tough men, who I've worked with in some really hairy situations and who I didn't think could be broken. So... yeah. I... needed to be held. I needed to just be able to let go for a little bit. And... well..."

"You came to me."

"You were the one I needed to come to. You were the person I needed to be near tonight. I needed to forget about all the darkness and have a little bit of light for once."

I shifted closer and tucked my face in against hers. She made a soft sound as I pulled her nearer, shifted her hand from my hip up to my shoulder.

"I'm glad you came to me."

"You smell so nice," she whimpered. "Oh, God, how do you smell so nice? Even when we... first met. You smelled so nice."

"You stalked me because of how I smell, is it?" I gently teased.

"No. It's your fault, really - I was being a good girl up until you sent me those chocolates."

"I suspect being a good girl isn't something you do very often," I said as I risked running my fingers slowly up and over her ribs, enjoying the exquisite way in which she squirmed..

"I'm always good. Well... mostly," she added. I felt her leg shift, felt the firm curve of her thigh press slightly more firmly against mine. I shifted closer again, heart hammering in my ears as I pushed myself against her. She released my hair and slid her fingers up and around my shoulder to clasp me to her.

"Abby?"

"Mm."

"Could I... stay the night? I know we just met but..."

"I'd like that. I'd like you to stay here. I'd really like that."

"Sorry for pre-empting the second date," she whispered.

"Stop saying sorry to me. You're here. I'm glad you're here. And as for dates... well, third time will hopefully be the charm."

"I reckon it will," she breathed, after a silence.

She shifted, lifted her chin, sought my lips with hers.

The kiss was slow, and gentle, and perfect in every possible way.

"Why are you giggling?" she demanded, as she tried not to grin.

"Just... can't help..." I answered, as I struggled to regain control over my extremities. "It's just... it's been so..."

She kissed me again, harder this time. She pushed in, then rolled herself over and partly onto me. I fumbled upwards, cupped her cheek, curling my fingers along her jaw as she braced herself above me.

I opened my eyes again and stared upwards at her, trying to think of something to say, of some way to let her experience even the smallest part of my emotions...

"You're so beautiful," she said, and my heart felt like it stopped beating for just a moment.

She lowered herself to me; she placed several gentle kisses on my lips, taunting me, teasing me, before she shifted and kissed - agonisingly slowly - down the line of my throat.

I arched upwards against her, pushing myself up and away from the mattress, groaning deep in my throat as my legs squirmed and writhed.

"Oh... God..." I moaned. Then I froze as I felt her trailing her fingers up and under my shirt. Up, up and further up, to the soft sheath of my bra, over the curve of my right breast until she found the fabric-covered nub of my nipple.

"You're... bold."

"You aren't complaining," she pointed out. She nipped my neck gently, I shivered.

"Most people would... uhn... ask permission..."

"Do I need to?"

I pondered that for a heartbeat.

"No. Do what you're going to, I'll... love it..."

Her finger slipped under the soft cotton lycra that shielded me; I moaned as I felt the warmth of her fingers find and grasp me. She pinched me, but gently, and kissed my burning throat to soften the sting. Her fingers quested leftwards over my sternum, slipped up and under, found my left breast, and repeated her brief but exquisite exploration of me.

"That's... so nice," I whimpered.

She raised herself and stared down at me for a moment. Then she smirked, came in to kiss me, and pushed herself away.

"Wait! No! Where are you going?" I protested. "I was enjoying..."

She stripped off her baggy teeshirt and flung it aside. Her bra followed shortly afterwards, and she threw her leg over me to straddle me. I watched in wonder as she reached up and pulled her hair free from its tail.

"Oh. Oh, wow," I said.

She grinned down at me. "What was it you asked earlier - oh yes. Enjoying the view?"

"Oh yes," I said, dreamilly. "God, you're... a goddess."

She smiled and lowered herself slowly back to me. "The girls were aching a bit," she said. "And... well, I like you looking at me like that. It's very... intense. It makes me think all sorts of wonderfully distracting things..."

I strained up so that I could kiss her again, and caught the back of her neck to pull her down with me as I fell back. I was aching now, hot with desire for her, and I started to try to squirm out of my shirt without thinking the logistics all the way through. I heard her laughing softly as I got tangled up, and she waited until I had my face covered and was struggling to free myself before she pulled the fabric of my bra away from me and took my nipple between her hot, soft, perfect lips.

I froze as every nerve along my spine overloaded. I must have made some sort of noise, because she gently closed her teeth on me and teased me with the tip of her tongue.

An eternity of agonising pleasure... and she released me. She got to her knees and gently helped me free myself of shirt and bra. I lay there, panting, staring up at her.

"Wicked," I whispered, at last. "So wicked."

"I know," she agreed. "But you felt like you enjoyed it, and I didn't hear any complaints. Oh fuck me, you're delicious..."

She took a breath, then sighed.

"Abby," she said.

"Yeah?"

"I'm pushy. I'm... loud. I can be impulsive - incurably so, sometimes. But I really like you. I want to kiss you silly; I want to ride you until you see stars, but..."

"But..." I managed, entranced by her and her honesty.

She managed a wry smile.

"I don't want to chase you away. Or go too fast with you. I... have a habit of breaking things, see," she said. "I don't want to break this."

"I'm a big girl," I answered. I sat up, reached out and took her hand. I pulled her closer to me. She put her hands on my shoulders, then grunted and hunched forward as I kissed her stomach and belly. I pulled back, and stared upwards at her as I tripped the button of her jeans and folded the fabric back. She bit her lip and shuddered as I kissed just above the line of her faded lilac underwear. "I want you," I added, glancing upwards again. "Just in case you're unsure. I want to have you. I want you to fuck me silly, however you want to. You can do anything your heart desires. Anything. I promise you that I will love it."

I slowly eased the fabric of her jeans down her thighs, she lifted first one and then the other knee and let me free her. I pressed my nose to her belly and inhaled the hot scent of her as it rose to me.

And then I hooked my fingers into the thin bands of plain fabric at her hips, and eased her underwear down over her hips.

She was shaven nearly entirely bare, I noted. I stared at the bare curve of her lips, the beading moisture that snapped back as the fabric pulled clear from her. She shivered, I glanced hurriedly up again. "Cold?" I asked.

"No. Not cold. Burning up," she moaned. "It's... really hot. Watching you, knowing you're staring at my pussy."

"Oh, I'm doing more than staring," I said. "I want to move on to... touching. Can I touch you?"

"Yes."

She shuffled her knees apart; I reached out and ran my fingertip along the slick, scrupulously-bared line of her lips. She moaned deep in her throat and arched forward as I parted her, she whimpered wordlessly as I teased her slick, moist lips just the tiniest bit apart so that I could feel her soaked entrance and the small, firm nub that crowned it.

She felt like heaven, and I was captivated by the soft heat of her.

My own body craved touch, I shuddered and ground myself against the mattress in frustration. I kissed her belly once more and licked my fingers clean, then slowly slumped back onto the bed. I lifted my bum and pushed my leggings and the old pink thong down and away from me. She bit her lip as she stared down at me.

"Oh my God," she whispered.

"I haven't shaven in a while. Sorry. It's..."

"You're stunning, Abby," she said. "And frankly, a little bit of extra fur never harmed the fox."

"Vixen is the correct term, I think," I said. I grinned up at her and opened myself so she could see me. "I'm soaked," I said. "I'm so hot for you. Stop being distant. Come back down here and kiss me properly again."

She pulled the leggings and my ruined underwear free of my feet and tossed them aside. She kicked her legs free of her own jeans. Then she lowered herself onto the bed, shimmied closer and straddled my leg. She shuffled her knee slowly forward between my thighs to open me, and then - achingly slowly - lowered herself onto me.

A kiss, a gentler second kiss - and then she put her fingers to my body, found my soaking slit and pushed herself into me - without asking, without announcing what she was going to do, without warning me whatsoever.

I arched against her, head flung back, gasping for breath that didn't seem to want to come as she took a nipple in between her lips. She was spreading me on her, twirling her finger in me, adding a second, not giving me a chance to protest, to adjust, to... to second guess this moment.

I groaned deep in my throat, clawed at her hand, her hair, her shoulders as I tried to catch my breath. It was so intense, so unexpected, so right. I wanted, I needed to be taken, to be used like this, to be given no choice...

She began to thrust herself into me. Slowly. Slowly, at first, the first little bit of gentle consideration she'd offered. My legs were shaking, my pulse and breath a crashing cacophany in my ears. I knew I was moaning, I tried to cover my mouth, a small, demure part of me somehow scared that some neighbour - or all of them - would hear me and complain. She was whispering now, words I couldn't follow, hot and breathy, panted into my ear, teeth to my neck, my earlobe, and all the while she spread me and fucked me in a way I'd never known I needed until this moment...

I needed her.

I needed her to take me, to... possess me.

I needed her to have me and consume and use me and want me and never, ever stop doing any of these things...

I couldn't see, couldn't speak, couldn't do anything but moan and writhe and arch and sweat, grinding back on her as she thrust her perfect fingers in and out of me.

It took seconds. Or maybe minutes. Or perhaps centuries. Who could tell, and who really cared?

Not I.

Because I felt It coming - slowly, like thunderheads building over the distant hills, distant and faint at first but swiftly building...

The sweat beaded on me, slicking her to me, running in hot salty droplets down breast and flank and thigh...

The scent of me, of pungent musk, filled my mind as the rutting urge of madness took us.

I dreamed the complete lack of any sense of self other than that which urged us on...

I heard the liquid sounds of my lips on her, the moaning breaths she snatched between whispers, bites, nips, kisses...

I felt the hard, jutting nipples that brushed across me as she ground herself on the unsatisfying curve of my thigh...

I tasted the ache, the agony, the growing pressure, the desperate need for...

Release

She clasped me to her, rocking with me as I came on her, as I cried, as I forgot even my own name on the glory of her body in mine, right where I needed her, deep in me, perfectly in me, perfect for me...

And then, the hot, sticky, sweaty, delicious almost-silence as she gathered me against her and held me, with only the gentlest of in-and-out motions of her fingers to keep me primed, panting, parched for more of what she'd gifted me.

At last she released me. I fell back, gutted and boneless. She settled down, put her slick fingers on my left breast, and nestled her head in onto my shoulder while she drew slow circles on me with me.

"Helen," she whispered into my ear. I turned my head and stared wordlessly into her eyes.

"My name is Helen," she repeated, soft as night. "I just use Nell out of habit. I wanted you to know. I wanted you to know the real me."

"Helen," I whispered. I pushed my face against her and inhaled her, trying to fix this moment in me forever. "Helen," I repeated, softer, deeper, letting the sound of her name fill the dark spaces within me.

"I like it when you say my name like that," she whispered, some time later.

I nuzzled her neck, enjoying the way she shivered. I planted a kiss, then another, delighting in the faint taste of salt on her skin.

"That's so nice," she murmured. "You kiss so gently. It's so nice."

I kissed down to her clavicle, and around, and down further, slowly, each third touch a little nip with my lips, until I found her nipple.

She let out a soft noise, not even a word, but I knew what she needed. So I did as she'd done to me; I gently took her nipple between my lips and increased the pressure, rolling my jaw slowly from side to side as if softly and inexorably grinding her down.

I heard her toes click and I laughed softly to myself.

"Abby," she whimpered. "Oh, oh my God..."

She tangled her fingers into my hair and pulled my mouth harder against her. I bit, then kissed the sting away, loving the way I could make her squirm against me. I shifted, nudged, moved to the other breast, and as I took her in my mouth I teased my fingers down across the firm flat curve of her belly and over her almost-perfectly-smooth mons.

She was soaked, and she pulled her knees up to open herself, whimpering, to me as I teased the tip of my finger along her once more.

Then I released her nipple, and kissed down over her breast, over her ribs, her midriff, and down, down, down, listening and loving the way the tone of her breathing changed as I headed south.

"Abby," she panted. "Abby, babe, no, you don't... oh... oh my..."

I tongued her open, aching for her, loving the taste of her, the scent of her, the feel of her perfect lips under the gentle pressure of my tongue. I settled myself on an elbow, content to lap at her, to tease her with just the tip of me, listening with delight to how she began to pant and groan with each and every lick.

"Abby, Abby, you're... that's..."

I teased my fingertip along her again. I felt her yielding around me, felt the heat of her, felt her start to give and pulse against me as she let out a long, monotone run of expletives and half-words.

I slipped my finger a short distance into her. I felt her contract on me, she moaned loud and long and arched upwards as she dug her nails into my scalp.

A breathless, desperate pitch had snuck into what words she could still manage, a catch with every gasp she took.

I knew she loved this.

But I wanted to blow her mind. I wanted to capture her, ensnare her, bind her...

Time for my party trick, then.

I nuzzled against her, positioned her clit between my lips and applied gentle suction, pulling it up and into my hot, eager mouth. I tongued the nub gently as I sucked at it, and she covered her mouth to try to muffle the sounds she began to make.

A pang ran through me, a deep and perfect thrill. I'd guessed right. She loved this. And now I'd show her what I could do.

I found a rhythm. A gentle pull - tongue - release, repeated at a slow pace that seemed to perfectly match what she needed, and with each inward movement of her skin over my lower lip I slipped my finger deeper into her, then withdrew, curling it gently as it cleared her.

She began to shake, thighs clamping and releasing spasmodically on my ears and cheeks.

I started to hum softly, and I felt her convulse up against me. The noises she began to make made my toes curl in pleasure.

She wound her fingers into my hair and pushed my face hard against her. She began to buck and grind against my lips, smearing herself on me, nearly brusing me with the urgency of her need; I added a second finger to her and began to fuck her hard and deep as my wrist cramped from the awful angle.

But I didn't care. I could tell I was sending her to heaven, and all I cared about was making it as good as I possibly could.

She'd earned it.

Because... I adored her.

I adored the taste of her, the sound of her voice, the scent of her skin, the warmth of her body against me and in me and on me.

I adored the way she laughed, the way she kissed, the gentleness in how she'd hold me to her, the calm sense of safety she wrapped me in with her words, the light she brought to the grey.

She'd saved me. She was made for me. I'd show her that.

Her thighs tensed and tensed again, a building intensity as her fingers dug into my scalp.

"Abby, Abby," she gasped. "Abby, that's so good, oh God, that's so good, it's never... it's... don't, please don't, please don't... oh..."

And she screamed, a short sharp guttural sound before she clenched her jaw to silence herself. I stared, delighted, up at her over the obscuring curve of mons and belly and breasts, at the high colour on her cheeks, the vacant, desperate gaze... and slowly eased the frantic motions, gentled my frenetic tongue, let her subside slowly down the far side of whatever heights I'd helped her scale.

And then as she slumped back, gasping and laughing, I mounted her, crawled up over her, bracketted her cheeks with my soaked fingers and kissed her, claimed her, silenced her, surrendered completely to her.

Silence found us; a hot, exhausted silence of sweat and mangled sheets and sex and briefly-sated need. Her fingers drew slow, abstract brush-strokes on the small of my back, mine toyed gently with the skin of her cheek. My forehead pressed to her temple, and I watched way her eyes moved behind her closed eyelids, the way she kept trying to find words to speak, the way she kept failing to express whatever she was trying to tell me.

"You are important to me," I whispered, some unknowable time later.

And she tightened her arm around me, and made a soft sound - but still didn't manage to say a thing.

She wouldn't let go; she held me all night.

And I was more than content to stay right there for as long as she'd let me.

.:.

"Abby? Wake up, gorgeous."

A kiss, gentle as a feather.

I whimpered.

"Hey, sleepyhead."

"Mm," I managed. My body ached, I wasn't ready to move just yet.

"Abby, gorgeous - as much as I love being here like this, I need to start moving. Come on."

"Why?" I whispered, plaintively. "Why can't you just stay here all nice and naked."

A soft laugh, and her face pressed to mine.

"My shift starts soon, my angel."

"I don't want you to go."

"I know. And neither do I. But I have to."

"It's unfair. You should call in sick. Tell them you've caught a bad case of... something or other."

"I've certainly caught a bad case of someone," she whispered, and kissed the bare skin of my breast. I moaned.

"Stop. You'll make me wet again and then I'll tie you mmfh..."

Her kiss silenced me, and I rolled towards her and wrapped my arms around her, holding her to me.

"I wish you didn't have to go," I whispered at last. "It's not fair. Last night was too short."

"I know. But... well, what are you doing tonight?"

"You," I declared, sulkilly.

She laughed and kissed me again.

"Clearly I made a good impression," she added.

"The best," I agreed. I yawned, stretched, and let my arm fall dramatically over her. I faked a snore, and grinned as she laughed again.

"I like your laugh," I said. It was true, I did. It was easilly the nicest laugh I'd ever heard.

"I like your smile," she answered. "And your tongue," she added, leering. "It's a very adept tongue." She levered herself up to her knees, I enjoyed the way her breasts gently swayed as she stretched and tugged her fingers through her disordered hair.

"Want a quick shower?" I said. "I don't have any clothes that will fit you, I'm afraid. "

"It's okay, I keep some emergency spares in my locker."

"In case strange women drag you home with them?"

"You're the first to ever do that," she said, after a pause. "It's... fun. Different. I should try it more often."

Her grin was wicked, and I enjoyed it way more than a wiser woman would have.

"So... no shower? You filthy creature."

"A thirty second one but then I have to skedaddle."

"Mkay. I'll make tea. Left is warm, you need to move it all the way over for anything approaching scalding if that's your thing."

"Thanks, angel."

She bent forward to kiss me, then clambered over me and stomped off to my bathroom. I sat up, yawned, and stood. I rummaged in my drawers, found a worn jumper and pulled it on. It fell far enough to cover my bum, so I wouldn't scare any neighbours as I stumbled to my kitchenette.

It was still dark outside. I listened to Nell humming, and briefly entertained the thought of sneaking in to peek at her. Instead, I dug a hairband out of my odds-and-ends bowl, and bound up my mess. I turned on the kettle and rummaged for tea.

It was wonderful to sit, watching the eddying steam as I listened to the soft noises she made as she moved through my space. She fitted my world like she'd been made for it. I'd make sure that she knew that.

Her cup had brewed by the time she joined me. Her hair was soaking wet and straggling down over her shoulders; she laughed as I took exception to this and tied it up for her with my favourite day-glo-blue hairband. The scent of my tea-tree-oil shampoo enveloped me as she moved up against me and put an arm around me.

"Stop that," I murmured. "Stop that or I'll attack you."

"You look good in almost nothing," she said. "I'm really enjoying the way your nipples are peeking at me."

I felt myself blushing, but couldn't help giving her a smile. "I'm glad you appreciate the effect you have on me."

"Oh, trust me, I do."

She gulped her scalding tea and made sure she had all her various paraphernalia. Then she paused.

"Abby?" she said, softly.

"Yeah?"

"Was last night... good?"

I ran through several possible theoretical responses ranging from sarcasm to uncontrollable laughter before settling on one. I put my hands on her hips, and kissed her full on the lips - slow and sensual, as if we'd been lovers the whole of our lives. And when I pulled back, I stared up at her with the practiced look that Kim had always referred to as my "Come here and fuck me" eyes.

"It was perfect," I said. "I can't wait to see you tonight."

The caution I'd thought I'd sensed in her mood flickered out. She let out a loud, shuddering sigh.

"Thank fuck," she whispered. "I was worried I'd... misread."

"Misread what?"

"That you wanted more than just... last night."

"Helen?" I said.

She met my gaze directly at last.

"Are you paying attention?".

"Um... yes..."

I kissed her again, my inner harlot delighting in the way it was me who was making her moan this time as I pushed my thigh hard between hers and ground against her.

She clutched me, panting softly. I squeezed her to me, pleased as punch with her reaction... and my own.

"Go do your shift. Be safe. I'll have something nice ready for dinner when you're done. And I promise you dessert is going to be... memorable. And just so we're utterly, utterly clear - I don't just want last night, or a week, or a year. I want everything."

The corner of her mouth twitched upwards, and she hugged me hard.

"Tease," she whispered. "Now I'm going to be aching for you all day."

"Serves you right," I said. "I fight dirty. You'll get used to it. Off you go."

And I slapped her bum as she turned. She glanced over her shoulder at me, the grin running almost ear-to-ear.

"See you soon, angel," she said.

"You'd better."

I listened to her footsteps fade down the corridor.

I watched the outside world slowly lighten from black to grey.

I brewed myself a fresh cup of tea and simply... basked... for a while.

.:.

"You slag!"

"I know."

"Was it fun?"

"It was... unbelievable. She's... really, really skilled."

"I'm almost jealous," Kim laughed. "Don't get me wrong, Grant's very diligent. But there's a little bit of me that will always wonder, you know. What girls are like, I mean..."

I smirked. "You're not even remotely bi, Kim. You're just horny."

"Mm. Maybe. Maybe I'll tempt Grant to come meet me for lunch."

"You'll break him," I said. "Ugh, speaking of which, I'm aching everywhere."

"Sounds like it was quite a romp," she laughed.

"Mm. It's more that I'm severely out of practice. She held me all night, Kim. She never let go."

"... oh dear. You've got it bad, huh."

"Yeah," I sighed. "I do."

I watched the buildings drift by beyond the windows. A siren wailed somewhere in the muted distance, and I thought of Nell.

I sighed, but it wasn't my usual sigh.

"You okay, pet?"

"I... think so. It's weird. It hurts but it doesn't. I... can't really put it into words, you know what I mean? It's just... it was so nice to wake up next to her. It's been so long, Kim. I'd forgotten what this felt like. And it's nice to be... wanted."

"We should go on a double date," Kim said. "So Grant and I can meet her."

"I'd prefer to thoroughly ensnare her before you two scare her off, if that's alright with you."

Kim cackled. "We're not that bad... are we?"

"You're like hyper-vigilant siblings - don't hurt our fragile little sister or we will kill you until you're sorry."

"It's because we love you, you know," she said.

"I know," I answered, smiling. "Some day I'll tell you how many nights that knowledge got me through."

"Mm. Okay, I've got to go. Chat to you later?"

"Unless I'm tongue deep..."

"Eeuw! God, Abby, the image. Mwa, mwa, love you."

She broke the connection, and I smiled to myself.

Then I raised my phone, took a selfie, and sent it to Nell.

Abby: On my way to work, missing you. Have a great day, can't wait to hold you again. x

Nell: god I wish I was still in your arms

Abby: It was very nice to wake up next to you

Nell: it was the best morning I can remember <3

I smiled to myself, sent a little beating heart back, and watched the sunlight on the Thames as my bus inched over Tower Bridge.

The day passed as it usually did; a haze of meetings and admin carving the minutes of my life off sliver by sliver. But little quicksilver droplets had now started to rain into my life; single kisses, smiles, and other assorted glyphs that pinged onto the front face of my phone as and when Nell had a moment to breathe.

And each and every one set me aflutter - it had been years since I'd had any romance, years since a person had shown that they were thinking of me in the way I so desperately desired to be thought of. I'd grown used to furtive little almosts - stolen kisses in clubs, dates that turned into chores, sparks that failed to kindle, one or two quick and dirty anonymous fucks that sowed fields full of the poppy of regret. I was used to being alone. But that didn't mean it was what I wanted.

Nell had kindled every dying spark in me into a single, raging inferno.

Almost all I could do was think of her and how much I liked her.

I ate my lunch somewhere quiet and sunny, and sent her a hint of my cleavage to keep her warm.

I snuck into a meeting room and recorded a soft, sultry "Put those lips on me," which I sent flitting off to her.

And, face burning, part of me aghast at myself... I took a selfie in one of the little private bathrooms. I stripped, and posed, and snapped... then cropped the photo so she'd see I was nude but wouldn't see anything too... revealing without earning it with kisses first.

My own body was on fire. I'd never felt so climb-the-walls over anyone - something about her just did it for me in a way nobody else in my limited experience had even hinted at being able to do.

All I could think about was feeling her lips on me again. All I wanted was to sit on her lap, my thighs spread over her, and kiss her as she toyed with me and took me and claimed me.

I left early, pleading an appointment. I went past Marks and Spencers and chose us two really nice bottles of wine and a third for cooking, then ducked into an independent butcher to pick two pieces of very expensive beef tenderloin.

I'd demonstrate my ability in the kitchen, I'd decided. I'd wow her with my skills - the long-ago lessons I'd invested in for myself when I'd needed something, anything, that I could feel good about myself for.

And then I'd take her to bed again and, probably, handcuff her there so she couldn't get away...

Feed, then fuck, then hopefully fuck again, I thought, flushing.

The evening rolled in on me. I busied myself with food prep, taking great care to be neat and precise on everything. I prepared the potato gratin and cut the shallots for my sauce. I poured a glass of wine and sipped it carefully; I could not afford to be tipsy when she arrived sober, because I wanted to show off for her and not put her off. To that end I'd dug out my favourite little black dress and matching underwear, and straightened my hair with my trusty GHD. A touch of plum lipstick and I'd felt good to go; a glance in the mirror confirmed that I was rating at least a seven tonight. I smiled, buoyed by the dusting of armour I'd given myself, and cleaned what needed cleaning.

Nell: on your bus. Be there in fifteen minutes, can't wait to censored censored you

I laughed.

Abby: oh, just censored censored is it? Well, I plan to censored censored and then censored, with a censored censored as well.

Nell: You are strange.

Nell: and I love it

And I smiled, glad that I could get her to rise to my teasing.

Abby: busy with supper, do you need me to come find you or can you find me?

Nell: more than capable of finding you, angel. See you soon xoxo

I put the gratin in the oven. I put the shallots on to brown in the butter. I buzzed the block's front door open for her, and I skipped to the my door as she knocked on it. I yanked it open, and practically leapt into her arms, eliciting a muffled "Oof" and an immediate embrace as I nuzzled in against her.

"Missed you," I breathed.

"Oh my God, Abby, you look amazing! Is this all... for me?"

"Some's for me," I admitted. "I... needed the boost. To feel prettier for you..."

"Prettier! What? You didn't. You really, really didn't," she said. She bracketed my cheeks and kissed me, then kissed me again.

"Hi," she added, breathlessly. "And stop worrying, I think you're the prettiest girl I've ever met, and that's not going to change. Wow. You have no idea how much I've wanted to do this all day. "

"Some, I think," I managed. "Come on. You need wine."

I fumbled for her hand and dragged her over my threshold, kicking the door closed behind her. I helped her remove her jacket and hung it up for her; I hugged her hard and gave her one more kiss, and then I towed her to my kitchen counter and installed her there.

"Was it a good day?" I asked, hesitantly.

"Quiet, thank God. Nothing major today - just some tripping grannies and a couple of car crashes and... oh my God, Abby, is that... steak?" she asked, craning her neck.

"Not entirely. Once it's done though it's going to be Chateaubriand."

"Are you kidding me?" she demanded. "You cook, too?"

"A bit, for the really special people..."

"Oh my fucking soul. I must have been a very good girl in my prior lives."

"Don't praise me until it's done," I warned her. "It's been a while since I cooked this and it requires a deft touch."

"As if you have any other kind of touch," she said, grinning.

I flushed, smiled and poured her wine. We clinked glasses, and I stared over the rim of mine at her as she took a slow sip.

"Right," I said. "Time for me to earn my keep."

I touched my phone and music swelled. Her eyes widened, then she smiled and settled in against the counter.

"I'm just going to sit here and watch you for a while," she said, softly. "Admiring you is very quickly becoming my happy place."

"That," I declared, "will be quite fine by me."

The Chateaubriand was a success, judging by the reverent way she took the second and subsequent bites.

The hot shower I insisted she took once we'd relaxed a bit was also very well received.

But it was the lilac fluffy slippers that I'd laid out for her that I think were the evening's clincher.

She stood there for a moment, squirming her toes in them and luxuriating, with the most perfect, innocent smile on her face. Then she shuffled over to me and melted against me.

"You're really bad for me," she whispered, with an odd little catch in her voice.

"No. I think you'll find that I'm really, really good for you," I answered. I smiled up at her, and pushed up against her, and kissed her.

.:.

"Abby?"

"Mm."

"Will you come to mine tomorrow?"

"M'kay."

"It's just... I need clothes and stuff. I'm all out of everything at work, so I need to either go home really early or else tomorrow evening..."

"M'kay. Already said yes."

"Oh," she said. She laughed, softly. "That was easy."

"Mhmm."

I snuggled closer to her, burying my face in her neck. I inhaled and sighed out.

"I love the way you smell," I whispered. "I love how safe I feel here, in your arms. I love how everything else stops mattering. I don't remember ever feeling like this."

Her arm tightened around me.

"You warm me," she growled. "You warm every little bit of me. These past few days... Dave knows something's up, I'm going to have to tell him about you. He's going to squeal like a girl. I'll record it so you can hear it too."

I smiled to myself. "So does that mean we're... official?"

She shifted so that she could give me an imperious glance. "Were we ever not?" she asked. "I was... pretty up-front about it."

"Mm. Yes, you were. But... well..."

"What is it?"

"I'm not... I mean, I've never... um..."

"Been.... with anyone?"

"Not long term, no."

"Why on earth not?" she whispered. She raised her fingers to my face and gently touched my cheek. "Their loss then - you're... wonderful."

"Nobody's ever wanted me," I said, working hard to keep the words light and playful.

"Up until now," she corrected me "Because I want this - and you. And yes, it makes me sound really broken and stalkerish and there are probably lots of very good reasons why you shouldn't be entertaining anything with me but... but... Abby, I honestly think part of me fell for you the first time I saw you. You were lying there, and I was doing everything in my power to keep you here, and... and there was this mad little bit in me that just wouldn't shut up about how gorgeous you were, and how much I wished I could meet someone like you in a normal way. I'm more than just a little bit broken," she added wryly.

"Just don't turn into one of those weirdos who gets off on sleeping with sleeping girls," I teased her.

"Oh, I would never," she protested. "You make the best noises when you're awake."

"What noises would those be... oh... oh fu-huck..." I groaned, as she slowly pushed two fingers deep into me.

"Those noises," she answered, before she kissed me and took me.

She left while the sparrows were still snoring; kissing me awake enough to get something approximating a snuggle back.

"I have to go get spare knickers at least," she laughed, as I did my best to keep her with me. I grumbled and slipped out of bed, accompanying her naked to my door and hiding partially behind it while I kissed her goodbye and goodbye again.

"Tonight, my place," she whispered breathlessly. "I'll cook, for what that's worth - my turn. Have an awesome day, angel, and keep warm, it's going to be a windy one."

"You too," I answered sleepily. "Miss you already."

She groped me; I squirmed half-heartedly, and gave her one more kiss for luck. Then I leaned, watching until she reached the stairs, before I closed my door and skulked back into bed.

I moved into her spot and pushed my face into the pillow. I could smell her there, and that helped with the sudden emptiness of my flat. I dozed, and daydreamed, and slowly the world grew bright again, though the low scudding clouds blowing in from the west meant that the brightness would be abridged.

And then I ran a hot shower and washed my hair and shaved my unruly bush, paring it back to the smallest of triangles... before I grew irritated and shaved it completely bare.

I ran my fingers over myself. It had been years since I'd last been this clean; years since the line of my lips stood so proud and clear for a hoped-for-lover's gaze.

It felt different, knowing it was for her. That she'd strip me and gasp when she saw what awaited her. I could already almost hear the moan, sense the heat of her tongue on me...

A quiver shook me. I fought the temptation to touch myself, to spread myself, to penetrate myself.

I would not. I was hers now; and she was so much better at it than I had ever been.

So I redirected my energy into shaving my legs, leaving them smooth as silk and pale as cloud. I dabbed at a nick until it stopped bleeding, and then cleaned up after myself.

I wrapped myself in my bathrobe. I dug into my cupboards, settling at last on an ankle-length long-sleeved wool dress whose deep forest green had always played well to my form and pale skin. I picked a soft black bra of the sort that Nell seemed to love peeling off me, and sheer panties to go with it. I added some thin black tights to go with it and keep my calves and ankles warm.

I blow-dried my hair and let it fall free; the natural wave felt appropriate for my new sense of centeredness - and Nell had admitted (between kisses) that she loved the way it fell down over my shoulders when I'd released it.

Finally, I dressed myself, and chose some understated lipstick and some silver pendant earrings that I'd not worn in a while. I picked a pair of plain brown boots and evaluated myself.

Almost perfect. Just a cream cashmere scarf, et voila.

I took a photo of myself and sent it to her.

Abby: so you recognise me when I arrive...

Nell: omg angel <3 so gorgeous

Pleased, I stepped out and closed my door behind me.

The day might drag, but no matter how much it did I knew that I'd end it in her arms.

I needed nothing else, because there was nothing else I needed.

.:.

I forced down my nerves and donned a smile as I waited for her to open her door. I'd checked - twice - that I was in the right place, and I stared curiously at the small jungle's worth of pot planrs and and trellised vines that decorated the narrow front "garden" that so typified London terraces.

Footsteps thudded closer, and a chain rattled. Then the door jerked open and Nell stood there, smiling. Her eyes widened and the smile faded for a moment before returning, amplified.

"Oh my God," she said. "You look like you just stepped down from my own personal heaven."

She caught my hand and pulled me to her, and laughed softly at the little sigh I let out as I felt her arms close around me.

"Hi," I breathed, delighted by her reaction to my icing.

"Hi yourself, angel. Come in. It's cold out there."

She ushered me in and closed the door behind me. I handed her coat and cashmere, she hung both over her own on an old brass coat rack behind the door. "Pam's on evenings this week," she said, "so it's just you and me."

"Sounds like my idea of heaven," I said.

She put her hand on my bum and pushed me along three feet of hallway and into the cosy little kitchen and dining area. A French door stared out into a tiny, dark garden; I glimpsed more pots and trellises.

"Still a bit cold to sit out there," she said, noting my curiosity. "Pam's a brilliant gardener. You'll like the place in summer. It's like Kew, only more intimate."

"I think I will like it," I agreed with a smile. Her own smile was slightly goofy (probably like mine, really) and she took a moment to just stare at me.

"God it's nice to have you here," she said. "It makes it more real, somehow. Of course, I could still be dreaming..."

I pushed against her and kissed her.

"Still feel like a dream?" I teased.

"It could be - just a very, very good one. Maybe another kiss would... break the illusionmph..."

I kissed her until I had to break away, giggling. She crushed me to her and pressed her nose to my temple.

"I don't know what I did to find you, but I'm glad," she whispered. A cough to clear her throat and she released me. "It's... takeaways, I'm afraid," she said. "I never really learned to cook much beyond the basics, so..."

"Takeaways sounds amazing," I said softly, touching her lips to silence her. "I'm not here for cuisine; that's just one of my more easily-discovered kinks. I'm here for you. "

"You always say the sweetest things," she said.

"I learn well," I answered. "Do we have wine?"

"Do we... fuck. I'm an idiot and you're too distracting. Two ticks..."

"So... what is it?" I asked.

She squinted at the bottle she'd pulled from a small wine rack.

"It looks like a Beaujolais..."

"I meant supper, silly," I laughed.

"Oh. Oh. Right. Um... there's a Korean place two streets up that does Kimbap and stuff..."

"Kimbap? What's that?"

"Oh. Um... like Maki rolls. But with cooked ingredients sometimes... um... look, can I do confession time quickly?"

"Yeah?"

"I was... out of time and inspiration. I wanted to do something nice, and as usual I fucked it up and..."

"Helen?" I said, as I caught her hand in mine.

"... yeah?"

I stared up at her for a moment, opening my eyes wide, let her see me.

"Spur-of-the-moment random Korean almost-Maki sounds absolutely amazing to me."

"Oh? Oh. Good," she said, shakily. "Are you sure? I don't want to fuck this up, Abby, I don't want to lose you over something..."

I took her wineglass away and put it safely on the counter.

I wrapped my arms around her and just held her to me.

"Don't stress so," I whispered. "You'd have to work really hard to lose me now."

"Can I... get that in writing, please?" she breathed.

"Mm. Maybe later. For now, just hold me."

And she did.

The random spur of the moment Korean was excellent, the wine was nice, but it was the spark in her eyes and the smile she'd often forget she was wearing that really made the evening for me.

We eyed her couch once dinner was done, then she grinned and shrugged.

"My bed?" she suggested.

And I sauntered slowly towards the staircase, crossing my arms behind my back as I tripped the catch in my collar. I shot her a glance as I eased the zip part-way down.

"Coming?" I said.

"Shortly, I think," she answered, her voice going all delicious and throaty.

I laughed, and climbed the stairs. She followed close behind.

"Left," she said, and steered me to one of the two bedrooms. She let me gaze around the room while she leaned against the wall and gazed at me.

Fairy lights were tacked to the roof, flicking like gentle little amber-gold fireflies. Burgundy and gold gauze draped the back of her bed, charms hung from the windows, and an antique gilt-framed mirror sat above what doubled as her dresser.

"I always wanted to be a princess, see," she said softly.

"It's beautiful."

"It's... cringe," she disagreed. "But... hey, that's me, I suppose."

I sashayed closer to her. "I feel right at home here. You can be my princess, I'll be your dragon."

"I'd prefer you were just my lover," she said softly.

"Just your lover?" I teased, before I spun away from her. "Undo me," I added. "I don't want anything between us."

Her fingers were warm on my back; I held myself still as she teased the cold metal of the zipper downwards.

"Push the sleeves off me," I breathed.

She complied, and planted a gentle little kiss on my left shoulder as she bared it.

I felt the fabric fall to my hips and gather there; I glanced back at her and smiled as she encouraged it free of me.

"Now my bra," I whispered.

And she freed me from that as well. She was frowning now, mouth ever so slightly open as I slowly spun and exposed myself to her again. I pushed my shoulders back, presenting myself, gift-wrapped.

"God, Abby," she moaned. "I will never get tired of that."

"You'd better say that," I said as I put my hand to the waistband of her jeans and tripped the button. I slid my hands in under the fabric, easing my fingers around her wonderful hips to the top of her bum, holding her there as I began to nuzzle against her jaw and neck.

"You taste salty," I added.

"Sweating," she whispered. "You drive me mad."

"I like driving you mad," I agreed. I freed my hands and eased her jeans down over her bum and down her thighs. She shuffled and raised first one knee and then the other; I kicked the freed garment into the corner.

"I've got a surprise for you," I said.

"What is it?"

"Close your eyes and give me your hand."

She gave me an amused grin but did as I demanded; I took her hand with mine and slowly, teasingly licked her index finger. Her mouth opened, she moaned, and I kissed her once - gently - just to tease her that little bit more.

"No peeking," I gasped, as I pulled my underwear down and put her fingers to me.

I hunched forward as she instinctively slipped her fingers along my lips and spread me, grunting harshly as she pulled me against her.

"You... shaved?" she whispered.

"Uhn... huhn..." I panted. "Wanted to be... bare for you. So... you could go down on me... if you maybe wanted to..."

"You are such a fucking tease, Abby."

She pushed me backwards; I fell onto her bed with a muffled whoop. Before I'd even caught my breath she was kissing me, kissing down over my bare breasts and belly, down, down, down to me.

I cried out, arched backwards as she forced her tongue along me.

"Been dreaming of this," she grunted. She caught my legs, lifted them over her shoulders and returned to me, lapping at me as I dug my fingernails into her scalp and took a desperate breath.

My toes clicked as she penetrated me with her finger. I couldn't speak, not really, I was trapped in some mad shadow-world where I both desperately needed her to slow down and even more desperately needed her to possess me.

Her tongue was hot on me, hot and hard, hot and dextrous, lapping around the little hood of my firming clit. I couldn't catch my breath, couldn't think, couldn't do anything except moan and mewl and claw at her as she... took me.

She added a second finger; my vision darkened. She curled her fingertips over and applied pressure deep inside me; I cried out something guttural and profane.

Time... stretched.

Amber fairy lights danced in the air; sweat beaded on my lips. My breath was ragged, my throat dry from gasping.

Nobody had ever done this to me. Nobody had ever made me helpless like this.

She was so, so good at it.

I could feel my bare thighs sticking to her cheeks. I could feel the desperate gasps she panted as she tried not to break her rhythm.

I could feel my back starting to lock, my belly starting to stiffen, my thighs beginning to pulse with every cresting little lick she gave me.

"Come for me," she gasped. "Come for me, angel, come for me..."

She added a third, urgent finger - stretching me far beyond my normal need, turning me inside out...

I screamed.

I lunged up, clasping her head to me; grinding my clit and mons hard against her mouth, probably bruising her lips but not giving a shit, not caring about anything but the pure, incandescent agony and ecstasy of the moment, of her in me, on me, her lips, her tongue, my burning body...

The moment passed; floating away, away. I slumped down, breathless, aching...

"Ow," I protested softly. "Ow. Oh my God. Ow."

She eased out of me and stared up at me, her frown quickly morphing to horror.

"Shit," she whispered. "Abby, did I..."

"Yes," I answered. She drew breath - no doubt to apologise, to plead... I didn't give her the chance; I grabbed her, pulled her up, kissed her hard.

"Mmmph..." she protested. She squirmed, trying to get away, desperate to perform some unnecessary act of self-harm...

"Stop, stop, stop," I panted. "Stop. I'm fine. I loved it. Don't worry. Stop. Come here. Come here..."

And I clung to her, shaking, sliding down from my peak as she buried her face in my neck and held me.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't..." she whimpered at last. I could hear raw pain in her tone. I couldn't let it take root.

"No. No. I'd have told you to stop if I'd needed you to. That was... intense. I've never had anything like that. I wasn't totally ready. Wow. Wow," I repeated. I grunted as my body shuddered. "Oh, oh God... Nell, Helen, sweetheart, I'm fine, it's fine... just... you just took me by surprise. Just be... slower. Next time. And warn me. Wow. Wow. Fuck me. Fuck me, that was special."

"Are you... sure?" she whispered. "I hate that I..."

"Stop," I breathed. I kissed her, kissed her again. "Stop. It was great. Just... it can't be that all the time. Sometimes I need gentle too," I added, smiling. "But... it's nice to know you have that in you."

I eyed her, then caressed her cheek.

"It's nice to be wanted with that intensity," I added. "Come up here."

I scooted over and let her stretch out next to me.

She lay beside me, staring at me.

"So..." I whispered. "Do you like me like this?"

"In my bed?" she said, softly.

"Bare, in your bed."

"Yes."

We stared at one another for what felt like a century, before she blinked and looked down and away.

"Tell me what you want," I breathed.

She frowned, took a breath, but didn't speak.

"Tell me," I asked again. "Don't be shy. It's too late for that now."

"I want you to tongue me again," she answered in a rush. "I want to... forget my name. For a moment or two. Like I did last time. You made me forget everything. Make me forget it all again," she whispered.

I rolled to her, and gathered her to me. I comforted her, and kissed her, and kissed down over her to her.

And somehow, between one thing and another... I did what she needed me to.

.:.

It was early.

I was spent. She was my big spoon, and I was in heaven, wrapped in her arms, dozing in something approaching catatonia.

She, however, was still awake enough to cause trouble.

"Abby?"

"Mmf."

"I have another thing I want," she breathed, after a long silence.

"Mm," I said, half asleep again against her. "Greedy. Okay. Mm. Tell me."

"I want to be loved."

The words were so soft I almost didn't catch them. A jagged shard of pain lanced me; pain for her, pain that I knew because I'd felt it so often myself.

I squirmed, wriggled, rolled.

Her eyes were squeezed tightly closed; her belly muscles quivering as she tried to suppress whatever witching-hour attack of darkness had seized her.

I stared at her, at this beautiful, brittle creature who'd landed in my life like a meteor, wrecking and reordering everything that I'd once thought I recognised.

I knew the answer I would give her. It was an easy answer, because it was true.

She was my lightning strike, my bolt from the blue.

"Helen?"

"Mm."

"Are you paying attention?"

She opened her eyes. Tears beaded the corners; she managed a wry, self-hating grin.

"Pathetic, aren't I?" she breathed.

"No. Not pathetic," I disagreed. I kissed one cheek, then the other. "Just... needing to meet the person who's desperate to meet them. So... here's what you need to pay attention to. Are you ready?"

"... yes."

"You are loved," I said. "By me. Utterly and irrevocably. Now go to sleep. It will be dawn soon and I need my quiet time here in your arms."

She pushed her face in against me.

She sniffed once.

"Okay," she whispered.

I lay there, eyes closed, still, until I heard her start to softly snore.

I smiled, and nuzzled in closer.

I'd found my person; I'd found my place.

I yawned, and yawned again, and settled in against my lover.

And slept.