The Spice Cabinet - Challenge 3

Challenge #3

Roleplay challenge: Pretend you are strangers, and pick each other up in a bar or coffee shop where it's plausible. Do this exercise in a place neither of you have ever been to so that no-one knows you are already a couple.

"How, and when, do you want to do this?" Gloria and I had been clients, then lab subjects for the semi-celebrity sex therapist Dr. Cheryl Coleman. We had a wonderful time fulfilling the first two of her weekly sex challenges, and had been looking forward to opening this one.

"How about on a weeknight, after work, we'll find a singles bar someplace?"

"That sounds fun. Do you know about the Blue Parrot?" Gloria had heard the suburban Jimmy Buffet-themed bar was a notorious pick-up joint on weekends.

"It's kind of far away -- and I want to get you drunk and horny."

"Far away is good. That fits the nobody-knows-you requirement. If we Uber back home, we can drink irresponsibly." Sensible Gloria would of course be responsible about planning irresponsibility.

"I can take the bus there from work to the park-and-ride at the mall, you drive but park where you can leave the car. Try to get there before five-thirty, so I can find you."

"I'll be sitting at the bar, if there's a spot."

That Friday neither of them were super focused at work. Gloria left early, went home, and changed. She had chosen her lightest, laciest strapless bra and the matching thong that had been part of an anniversary present to Dan. Unwrapping her from it had been the other part of the present.

Over that she wore her favorite LBD, a spaghetti-strap black dress that showed off her cleavage and clung, maybe a hair more tightly than when she'd bought it, to her hips and backside.

Checking herself out in the mirror, she saw that leaning forward and hunching her shoulders a little, as one might sitting at a bar, would let Dan see the edges of the lace and plenty of cleavage, but that she looked perfectly respectable when she stood up straight. Gloria declared herself hot enough to attract the attention of strange men. She used her favorite perfume, a pricey scent that Dan had given her for Christmas a few years ago. With fondness, she recalled the card he'd written to accompany it: "I got you something to wear to bed", with a winking smiley-face. And, she recalled, she had worn it to bed more than once, usually with nothing else.

Dan powered off his computer and got up from his cubicle desk. As he walked out, exchanging "Have a great weekend" and "You too" with co-workers, he was thinking, "If only they knew..."

The commuter bus dropped Dan at the mall park-and-ride lot at about quarter of six, and he spotted Gloria's car as he walked the few hundred yards to the Blue Parrot.

There were plenty of cars there already, but it wasn't as crammed as it would be later in the evening when the serious Friday night meat-market customers started piling in. This was mostly the "let's go for a drink after work" crowd, or the people coming in for a bite and a beer before going to the movies at the mall multiplex.

Dan entered the Blue Parrot, under the plastic imitation-thatch awning, and paused to adjust to the dimness. He spotted Gloria, with her back to him, perched at the bar with a signature blue margarita in front of her. He tempered his instinct to go and greet her immediately, instead sitting several spaces away around the curving bar to watch, out of eavesdropping range but close enough to hear if Gloria raised her voice. She was wearing that slinky black dress and heels, as if she was out to flirt around. A rather good-looking guy was trying to hit on her, and Gloria's body language was noncommittal.

~~~~~~~~~~

Gloria had parked in the mall's park-and-ride and sat in her car steeling herself. She had been partners with Dan for thirteen years, first dating, then sharing an apartment in college, and married for ten. She had never had to hunt for a man, but tonight she'd have to pretend she was. And bag Dan for a trophy. On the other hand, she knew she was still sexy at thirty-two. She would be the hunter, but it would be like one of those sea creatures that camouflages itself as a piece of debris or a kelp leaf, waiting for the prey to approach.

It was time to get in position. She found a fairly empty section of the bar, and parked her butt on a stool, making sure to give it a wiggle as she settled in. She knew there were several guys checking her out, and if she could bait one of them into buying her a drink, so much the better.

She ordered the house specialty Parrot Margarita, a blue curacao/tequila/crushed ice blend, served in a tall hurricane glass and garnished by a plastic mermaid impaling fresh pineapple chunks on her spear. It was a gimmick of the place that if anybody ordered a second one, they had to surrender their car keys to the bouncer.

No sooner had the bartender turned to bring it to her than a pretty handsome guy strode up and said, "That's on me, if you don't mind, barkeep." Gloria's first thought was that anyone who used the term "barkeep" had better have a British accent, or it was minus one on the asshole count. That irritated her her even more than the presumptuousness of speaking to the bartender before he'd even spoken to her, the inherent assumption that her opinion was irrelevant.

He swung and missed again when he tipped fifty cents, leaving a twenty for a tab of $19.50. It was a damn expensive drink, but Gloria was pretty sure someone would try to pick it up. She also thought she would be pissed with management for pricing the drink so that, with tax, it came to an amount that made shitty tips too easy. Still, it was very profitable for the bar. Gloria wondered what fraction of their sales were men buying for women. Probably at least a third.

Her benefactor sat next to her and ordered an expensive scotch, neat. Thirty dollars for a two-finger pour. Asshole was clearly showing off. Gloria took her revenge by leaving two twenties on the bar, telling the bartender, "Returning the favor", and turning away. A ten-dollar tip would put his cheapskate ways in sharp relief, and wind up being a decent 20% on the total.

As she turned, she spotted Dan halfway around the big oval bar, maybe ten seats away, and flicked past, pretending she didn't see him as any different from the other patrons.

"Um, usually when a guy buys a pretty girl a drink, it's a sign he'd like to talk with her."

"I'd heard of that. And thanks, but no thanks. Can I give you some tips so you'll have a better chance of impressing women?"

Realizing he was striking out, at least this lounge lizard had the grace to nod in acknowledgment. "I guess -- I mean, you bought me a drink too."

"Okay. First of all, don't buy someone a drink without asking her first. It was disrespectful that you spoke to the bartender before you spoke to me. Don't be a shitty tipper. You tipped the bartender fifty cents when five bucks would have made a lot of difference both to the bartender and to whoever you're trying to impress. Women notice how men treat other people. And unless you really do like the stuff, buying the most expensive scotch on offer isn't going to impress anybody who would order a Parrot Margarita. And finally, there are no girls in this joint, only women. The bouncer was pretty strict about checking IDs."

"Thanks. Too bad I made a bad first impression, and I actually ordered scotch because I hate it, so one glass lasts me all night."

"See, ordering a seven dollar mass market blended scotch and leaving a three dollar tip would have been a more impressive, and more cost-efficient, gesture." I patted his hand. "Don't feel bad. You're a good looking guy. Whether you're after a one-night stand or marriage and family, some other woman might get lucky."

"Okay. I am going to take my foolishly expensive vanity drink to that booth, while it's still empty. I'm still open to talking, but I respect your advice enough that I am going to ponder it while I lick my wounds."

"Better luck next time."

Dan saw the man get up, wearing a wry smile. He offered Gloria a handshake. They exchanged names, then he strode over to the vacant booth with an air of confidence that he put on like it was a raincoat. His head was already swiveling around for the next prospect.

Gloria turned and faced idly ahead, sipping her blue drink and looking at the various forms of sports on the many TVs hanging in the center, over the bar counter. She decided on a surfing competition taking place in Hawaii, which was showing on a screen closer to where Dan was sitting. After craning her neck at the TV until she was sure Dan had noticed, and was also watching, she got up and moved to the vacant spot.

Dan ignored her until the two people between them had left. He slid over a couple seats, bringing his half-finished beer with him. "I don't know anything about competitive surfing, but this is spectacular."

Gloria responded as non-committal as possible. "And it seems more appropriate for this bar than auto racing highlights."

"Oh, yeah, the tropical theme. I see you got the house margarita. I just stopped in for a Friday-after-work beer. How is it?"

"They're pretty good, if you like margaritas. The curacao flavor makes an interesting substitute for lime, and the sweet pineapple complements the very slight bitterness. Ordinary tequila, unless you want an upcharge."

"Wow, a good description. It's pretty big, too."

"Big can be good, but really it's all about the bartender's skill." Gloria fired the first signal flare of interest.

Dan played it cool, looking back up at the TV. "Do you surf?" He was going to wait for a bigger salvo, having watched her body language as she smoothly rebuffed the first guy to hit on her.

"Never been. Body surfing at the beach, sure. But I haven't tried board surfing. Wow, look at that guy!" On the screen, a surfer was riding inside a curl that had to be twenty feet high. He exited the watery cave as the curl tightened, and hopped off the board to bob as the wave passed him. Dan and Gloria both thought it was impressive, but the announcers were criticizing him for ending his run too soon. An ad break came on, and the show returned with a native Hawaiian who was last year's silver medalist in the women's Australian Invitational. The announcers were making a big point that she had a point to prove, and this was basically "home field advantage" for her. The cheering crowd on the beach certainly thought so.

Gloria puckered her lips to suck on the extra-long straw, then picked up the mermaid skewer. She licked the pineapple as suggestively as she could, then put it back in the glass. If the first signal flare was missed, she'd fire a bigger one. "Wow, look at her. She's got to have abs of steel!" The competitor was wearing a black two-piece bathing suit that complemented her hair and skin tones, but was cut for function like a sports bra. Her torso showed, not washboard-cut abs like on most of the men surfers, but a shape that implied them, under a smoother feminine softness.

In other words, she looked a lot like a somewhat younger Gloria in body, just different facial features and considerably more suntanned. Gloria wanted to draw Dan's attention to a body that looked like what he remembered. She hoped that would get him going. Dan's eyes flicked down to her black dress. The prey was beginning to circle an interesting kelp leaf.

Gloria drained her Parrot Margarita, ate the pineapple, and set the empty glass on the bar. Time for the next test.

Dan pushed his beer away from him and nodded at the empty glass. "My name's Dan. May I buy you another round? Your description earlier was intriguing, and I might want to try one myself."

Boom. Instead of striking out, Dan had hit well. It was time to shift from (plausibly) innocent conversation between strangers to a flirtation. In Gloria's reckoning, it was plus one for offering his name without implying she had to reciprocate. And plus one for asking politely. And plus one for remembering and complementing her on something she had said earlier. Even if it hadn't been a sex challenge where they both knew the outcome, she was interested. If she had been looking for a one-night stand, this guy was very much on the right path.

"Thank you, I accept. But give me a moment to use the ladies' room." Gloria found her way to the restrooms, which were labeled, inevitably, as Buoys and Gulls. Once past the bathroom door, the decor ended abruptly and yielded to a bathroom as soullessly sterile as it would have been in any other franchise operation with standard architecture and a mass-culture theme.

She peed, wiped, and then inserted a finger into her already wet vagina. After dabbing a little of her pheromone-laden lubricant on her throat, in her cleavage, and behind her ears, she flushed, washed her hands thoroughly, and came back. The bar was pretty full, and Dan was waving someone away from taking "her" stool. The guy was considering whether or not to make a point of it when Gloria sashayed back, giving her hips an extra swing. She was feeling the tequila, and her inner goddess was revving up. If that lounge lizard was watching, he'd see what a successful seduction looked like.

Gloria smiled at the man, and said, "Excuse me." He nodded his head graciously, gave Dan a somewhat bro-ish thumbs up, and retired.

Dan waved down the bartender and ordered two Parrot Margaritas. The bartender noticed the empty in front of me, and dug out two printed plastic zip-ties and two Sharpie pens from his apron pockets. "Fill in your name and phone number, then tie your car keys to this."

The gimmick was true, but clearly routine. We did so. "The concierge at the exit has a breathalyzer. You must be below the legal limit to reclaim your keys. If you do not reclaim your keys, we will phone you. You may retrieve your keys during our regular hours." We did so, and he retrieved the markers and scooped the tagged keys into a toy plastic pirate treasure chest. There were several other sets in there already.

"You might want to get an Uber or a Lyft." The bartender gave us each a 10% discount coupon for taxis or ride-shares, if we scanned the QR code, plus they'd give you back your keys when the ride showed up.

After all the rigmarole, which was obviously recited from a memorized script, he went off to make their drinks. Dan paid him with two twenties and a ten. "I would have felt like a dipshit if I had to stall that guy, only to find out you ghosted me." Dan was still in character as being on the singles market.

"That's rude. If I decide I'm not interested in somebody, I will tell them and if they let me I'll tell them why. When I phrase it right, it's about giving them pick-up tips, not enumerating exactly why they are an asshole."

"Honest, but decisive and abrupt?"

"And polite, I hope. Pissing off a man you just rejected sometimes ends very badly for women."

"God, I suppose it does. On behalf of my half of the species, I apologize."

"Just call out toxic masculinity, and if you happen to see some body language that says a woman is rejecting you then back way off."

Dan saw an opportunity. "Like what?"

Gloria's reply was "I haven't showed you any signs I'm rejecting you." It was out in the open now.

"No? What might be some body language that hints the other way?"

She leaned forward. Almost involuntarily, Dan's eyes darted downwards to the two tan hills bridged by white lace, and the dark valley between. "Well, for example, she might show you her cleavage."

Gloria sat up straight, and crossed her legs in such a way that her hemline scooted a couple inches northward. "Or her legs."

She flipped her hair back from where it had fallen forward over her shoulders, baring her collarbone and, she hoped, wafting some of her pheromones.

"Or her hair, or whatever features she thinks are most attractive."

"I see. And even though you were just demonstrating, I couldn't help noticing that you have some most attractive features."

"Who says I was 'just' demonstrating? And that was a little awkward, but flattering."

"Well, thank you."

"I see why they make you give up your car keys. One and a half of these margaritas and I know I'm not safe to drive." Gloria sighed to herself. She would also have been ready to make irresponsible sexual decisions if she was truly here to meet a hookup.

"Need to use the coupon they gave you?"

"What would you say if I offered to share a ride with you?"

"The only thing I can say -- the worst bar pickup line ever." Dan smiled. "Your place or mine?"

"Both" winked Gloria, breaking character for just a moment. She smiled back at him.

Dan scanned the bar code on the coupon. It opened a web page where he could book a Lyft, Uber, or one of a few taxi services. This had to be a pretty common pick-up spot for the ride-share drivers -- there were more and more sets of car keys.

An Uber driver would be there in twenty minutes, so they sipped their blue margaritas and flirted some more, staying in character as people who just met and were headed toward a one-night stand. Dan had a hand on Gloria's thigh, with a finger under the hem of her dress. Gloria had dropped a shoe and was playing footsie with Dan, sticking her bare toes up his pants leg. She noticed some young women a couple tables away were watching this performance and stifling giggles, and whispered to Dan, "I think those women are betting each other whether we'll wind up going home together."

"On the way out, you should tell them it was rigged from the start." Dan was always a pretty ethical man. "But let's give them more show." He moved his hand up Gloria's thigh enough to conspicuously wrinkle the fabric. When Gloria saw that the women had noticed this, she put her hand on Dan's and slid it out from under her skirt, but let him stay on the lower part of her thigh.

Dan's phone pinged with the notification that the driver would be there in five minutes. He stood up. "I need to pee and reclaim my keys."

"Okay, we will each go to the bathroom. Wait near the bathroom and we'll walk out together with your hand on my ass. Then while you're getting your keys, I'll go back and confess to that table."

They executed the plan perfectly. As Dan was showing the Uber code to the bartender, she headed back to that table of women. They saw Gloria coming and looked just a little sheepish.

"Who was betting I'd bang that guy? Come on." Three of the women raised their hands, the other shook her head. "Well, you three win. But don't feel bad. It was rigged. That's my husband, and we're playing." They applauded, catching Dan's attention too.

Nodding in his direction, the bravest of them said, "Good catch."

"Honestly, after two Parrots, I'd want to fuck him anyway." Gloria left the table laughing, and took Dan's hand as they went out to the waiting car.

"Car rules. No hanky-panky, not even just panky, back there. You're on video. And if you puke in my car, Uber will charge you five hundred bucks detailing."

"Okay. We're pleasantly tipsy, and far from puking-drunk." Dan reassured him. "And we'll behave ourselves."

The driver brought them home, and Dan tipped him well and showed him the five-star rating.

They went inside, and Gloria pushed Dan up against the door, kissing him hard. "I want hanky-panky and I want it now." She turned around. "Unzip me, please." When he did, she shrugged off the dress, revealing the lacy white bandeau bra and matching thong underneath. Gloria dropped to her knees and hurriedly undid Dan's belt and fly, pulling his erection through the opening in his boxers. She pursed her lips and exhaled, blowing the smudge of pre-cum so it felt cool on Dan's prick. After emptying her lungs, Gloria put her mouth over his head and pulled a strong suction, letting the air pressure pull his cock in until she felt the ridge of his head against her sucked-in cheeks.

Dan remembered that move fondly. It gave stimulation both from the suction itself, and from her cheeks against the sides of his cock. His sophomore year, they had taught each other, and themselves, about oral sex. It was a skill they had rarely practiced in the last years, though. Gloria had naively thought "blow jobs" and "sucking cock" were literal terms and referred to different actions, but they had discovered the advantages of her unorthodox technique.

During that time of exploration, Dan had also learned to eat Gloria out in all the ways that she'd found best. Somewhat reluctantly, he pulled back. Gloria looked up at him and pouted. "Honey, if you keep doing that, it's gonna be all hanky, no panky."

She smiled at him. "You can panky me later. I want to do this. It's been way too long."

Dan was not going to argue about that.

Gloria slipped off her thong and bra, and knelt naked in front of her husband. He was still dressed, his casual-Friday chinos around his knees, with his boner poking out of his boxers and between his shirttails. She bent forward and gripped him, swirling her tongue over his head and pumping. When she felt him twitching in readiness, she went to a full suction, slurping his cock like a hungry calf at its mommy, and was rewarded with strong spurts of Dan's cock-milk.

When she released him and sat back on her haunches, Dan let his knees give way and slid down, his back still up against the door.

In a few minutes, he was able to stand. "Living room, or upstairs?" Immediacy and a couch, or a comfortable bed?

"Eat me now!" Gloria got up and sat back on the couch, pausing only to arrange a washable blanket under her nearly-dripping crotch. She lay sprawled with her butt on the edge of the couch, knees spread wide and feet flat on the floor. Dan followed and was unbuttoning his shirt when Gloria insisted. "Now! I want my fully dressed husband to worship his naked wife, just as the naked wife has worshiped her fully dressed husband."

Dan pulled up and fastened his pants, then knelt before his naked wife as she had knelt before him. He bent forward and buried his face in her muff, kissing and slurping. He probed her familiar labia with his tongue, then brought a hand to his chin to push a finger or two deep, to her G-spot. When he was confident about pleasing her there, he added a suction on her clit that echoed, in a smaller but more intense way, what she had been doing to him a few minutes earlier. That combination sent Gloria's excitement over the top, and her legs shook on either side of his shoulders. Her abdomen clenched, and he could feel her tightness squeezing his fingers as she came around him.

When she got her breath back, Dan offered her a hand up off he couch and hugged her tight, cupping her butt as he pulled her pubis to his returning hard-on. "Let's go upstairs now."

Gloria nodded, giggled tipsily, and trotted up, abandoning her dress, underwear, shoes, and purse. Dan followed, enjoying the jiggle of her backside as she climbed.

"I'll be right out!" Gloria ducked into their bathroom and brushed her teeth, then peed and washed.

Dan had stripped while she was in there, and his erection was reviving. He took his turn in the bathroom, and came out to see Gloria spread out on the bed, stark naked, and snoring very softly.

He covered her with the sheet, went and fetched the aspirin and a large glass of water, and put them on Gloria's nightstand, knowing she'd probably need them in the morning. He climbed in next to her, closed his eyes, and thought how grateful he was to Dr. Cheryl Coleman.

Gloria's Journal

~~~~

The third challenge was to roleplay that we were picking each up in a singles bar. Given that Dan and I were a committed couple before being of legal drinking age, neither of us had any idea what to expect from a singles bar, except what we'd seen in movies.

It was fun and stimulating to get all dressed up and make myself attractive. Men were looking at me and I felt empowered. I even had someone (not Dan) buy me a drink. He was kind of a jerk, so I had no qualms about brushing him off. Then Dan came over and he was, objectively, much smoother. I got pretty drunk, so I am a little hazy on the details, but I distinctly remember thinking that if we were for real and not role-playing, I would have let him take me home anyway, he was that nice.

I was pretty hung over the next day. Dan told me we did oral but I was too sleepy (read: drunk) for anything else. I guess I have to respect him for not taking advantage of a passed-out woman, too. I hope that counts as fulfilling the assignment. It was really fun, I'd happily do that again. But less booze.

Dan's Journal

~~~~

Trying to pick up my wife in a bar, pretending I was a stranger to her, was an eye-opening experience. First of all, she can really rock a little black dress. When I got there, a guy was hitting on her and she was deflecting him. I felt a surge of jealousy, but it would have been breaking character to get involved. Fortunately, the man took being shot down with good grace. After a while she came over and sat enough closer to where I was, which was sort of an invitation. It was a behavioral dance that could have been narrated by Sir Richard Attenborough. "The female, having sent one suitor away disappointed, moves closer to a different male, showing her openness to being courted. The male approaches cautiously, looking for signals she is receptive." Anyway, I think I was doing pretty well, even knowing it was a game. Apparently we had a table of sorority sisters betting on whether we'd end up together.

We took an Uber, and had oral sex immediately on getting home. Gloria was quite drunk, but was in a very horny mood. She passed out before we had intercourse, but I would say it was a successful completion of the challenge. It was a fun role-play and one that I think we'll try again.