I am a Zero Pt. 13

I sat on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and just staring at the wall. My brothers were in another room, which one I wasn't exactly sure. After David's unexpected arrival John and Jeff went into a kind of panic. It was almost like dad had caught them misbehaving, but it was more than that. They had a kind of fear for my eldest brother that I didn't fully understand. Perhaps I did, though I did not view David the same way.

David was a bit of a bully growing up. He was always teasing, taunting, bossing around and pushing. Over the years, this kind of mentality softened a bit, but I supposed in this moment John and Jeff and David, for that matter, all regressed into some early stage.

That was the problem. After everything that had happened, I could not regress. I wasn't able to. I felt like I had a sudden taste of something and now everything else I had eaten in the past lost all its flavor. To go back to the roles of what our family was felt foreign, silly and just wrong. For the first time in my life, I had felt like I was free to just be me. But now, suddenly, I was a ball of stress again. I didn't understand any of it. I had no way to understand it. I wasn't sure what the big deal was. But I felt that way about most emotions. I knew what was happening wasn't "normal" in the sense that other families didn't engage in what we were doing. But at the same time, this was the first time in my life that I was actually feeling normal.

I continued to look at the wall. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. My feelings on this whole matter was clear and for whatever reason my brothers had to sort out their end of things.

"It isn't supposed to be so hard," I whispered.

I let the blanket slip down from my breast and I looked down. I could still see the faint marks from Jeff sucking on my nipple. It was so simple. I thought about all the different shirts, dresses, tank tops and the like that I owned. I thought about all the bras and all the times I had done my best to cover my breasts and to keep them secure. I didn't know what I was doing. I never did. I thought about the different work out classes I went to and all I did to try to be healthy and I realized that, though my activities made some sense, my motivation was unclear.

"Who really knows why they do anything?" I asked myself.

I knew that men, and some women, looked at my breasts. I knew they were big and perky and I always had some form of cleavage no matter how hard I tried. I thought about the way Jeff looked at me and I knew deep down what I had always known and yet I couldn't put it into words. Not until now at least. My breasts were not supposed to be covered and hidden.

I thought about the restaurant and the tips I made when I wore my tighter, more revealing shirts. Of course the money from extra tips was nice. It was motivating. But that wasn't really why I liked to wear those shirts. Indeed I did like to wear them. I liked the way people looked at my tits. I liked it when the men at a table stopped looking me in the eye and just looked at my chest. It was as if the whole social dance or game was suspended and we were all just being who and what we were. I did not know what to do when they looked me in the eye and spoke to me. I didn't understand the rules of conversation, inflection, emotion and my role. I memorized rules but I did not understand them fully. Not really. I never would.

But I did understand when Jeff stopped looking into my eyes and start to suck my nipple. I understood his lust and my purpose was clear: I was an object of his lust. I was an object not just of his lust, but of all their lust. My mind was secondary to my body.

In a series of images, almost like a movie and almost like a trance I saw myself. I truly saw myself. I saw my mouth and my tongue. It wasn't for talking. My mouth was for kissing, sucking, fucking and cum. I never felt more at home then these last few days then when my mouth was busy on one of my brothers' cocks. My mouth was a zero. It was a hole. The simpler functions of my mind would take over and I was fully alive when my mouth was being used. I found myself making an "O" with my mouth as I considered this.

In my mind I saw my tits. My nipples and areolas were perfect circles. They were zeros as well. Not to be hidden but to be used, to be squeezed, pinched, sucked, licked and fucked. I thought of all the times I was called a "big tittied bitch" or some such name and I realized how much I liked those names. They drew attention to the part of me that was important. The part of me that was to be used. The part of me that had real purpose.

In my mind I saw my pussy and I realized again that the truth was a simple one. Like my mouth, my pussy was a hole. It was a zero. If there was any part of my body that was specifically for sex and lust it was my pussy. It wasn't my mind that needed to be engaged and filled, it was actually my vagina. There was a reason it felt so good when I was being used like that. Purpose.

My mind went to my ass and I thought about John's fingers pushing into me. I realized I had no relationship with my butt outside of purely biological. But John's attention made me think that there was more to it. In my mind I saw my ass. It was round and my hole was round.

"It's a zero," I said with a subtle smile. "They are all zeros."

I took a deep breath. In one instant I felt more clarity than I believed was possible and then as soon as it was there, at the sound of my brothers' muffled voices, it was gone. My stomach filled with tumult of uncertainty. I could hear them arguing and I didn't know what to say.

I turned to the door. It was the room Jeff had been sleeping in. "Please," I whispered to the door as if somehow willing my brothers to hear me and to just be ok with what was happening.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek. "Please," I said a bit louder.

I stood up, barely holding the blanket over my naked body with one arm and walked to the door. I knocked.

The voices stopped.

I opened the door.

Jeff was sitting on the bed, John was in the corner and David was standing between them with one finger pointed at Jeff. All of them looked at me.

"Please," I said to them looking at them all one at a time. "Please stop."

"Kates," David said in his firm, authoritative voice. "This is all fucked up. I'm sorry. I know... Look I know you are different and I feel like we all just kind of took advantage of that. We are all sorry and..."

"I'm not," I said to him suddenly.

David paused and looked at me quizzically. "You are not what?"

"I am not sorry," I said. I looked at him directly without any expectation. I didn't know how to be anything but me and I am honest. "Do not tell me that you are sorry. Do not tell me that this was all a mistake. Do not tell me that this is going to end."

"Kates," David said, "But I am sorry and this isn't right. This is so fucked up. This is beyond..."

"To who?" I said cutting him off again. I could feel John and Jeff staring at me. "Who says this is fucked up? Other people? Fuck them. Do you know what I am sorry about? I am sorry for trying so hard to understand what other people think or why they think it. I can't do it. You are right. I am different. So what? This is me. This week has been the best week of my life. Do you know why? Because I have just been able to be me." I looked at the three of them and I knew I was crying. Something in me had been opened up and it would not be closed again. I couldn't close myself off again. I wouldn't. "I absolutely do not care about anyone else or what anyone thinks except for you three in this room. You have no idea how hard it is for me to be out there," I said gesturing toward the wall. "Out in the world. I don't understand it. I can't understand it. But here I do understand what I am."

"Kates..." David began.

I got down on my knees and looked at him. "David," I said, letting the blanket fall from my body. "This is what I am. I do not want to be anything else. Ever." I opened my mouth and looked at him.

David looked at me and swallowed hard. In my peripheral vision John took a step toward me. "Kates," He said softly. "What--what are you?"

I turned toward him, tears still running down my cheeks. "I am a zero," I said simply.

"What does that mean?" Jeff asked.

I turned toward him and replied, "I am a fuck hole." I felt my hair sticking to my tear streamed cheeks and I brought it back with my hands and put it in a messy bun and tied it back with the hair tie I kept around my wrist. "More accurately, I am my brothers' fuck hole. I don't understand the complexities of all your other relationships. I have tried and I can't. So I want you all three to hear me and understand me: I am not complex. With me and you and all of us, it will not be complex. I understand that outside of these walls other people may not understand and so I won't say anything and just continue on as I have. But with you, any one of you or all three of you, I am your sister utterly and completely. I am a zero. I am your zero. A zero will never say no. It is not complicated. I have told all of you and I will say it again, I hope for the last time, do not ask me, tell me. Do not apologize to me because I am not sorry. If you want me to be happy. If you love me. If you see me as I truly am then please: Use me. Please." I was not crying anymore but my voice wavered at the end. I had never spoken so forcefully to my brothers but at the same time I knew I didn't have to convince them.

"Ple--" I started to say. But David interrupted me by pushing his cock into my open mouth. He proceeded to fuck my face in front of John and Jeff.

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The rest of the week was a blur. After that conversation I said little else and from what I gathered my brothers had made some agreements and made amends out of earshot from me. Or I chose not to listen anymore.

To say there was a lot of sex during that time is an understatement. My brothers had to adjust to using me in front of one another and I was careful to be as available as I could--at first. But that was too much work for me. I could never figure out if or when I needed to be ready to suck one of their cocks or to be fucked or fondled. There were certain things that fell into place, but ultimately it was David that took charge and, thankfully, organized the situation.

There were few better moments than being on my knees and sucking each one of them off while they watched a movie or some sports game or being silently and wordlessly led by hand into a room for sex. Sometimes one would come into the room after the other or sometimes one would just join us and use my mouth. On the final day in the cabin John and I had anal sex for the first time and that soon became his preferred time with me.

When we left the cabin I was filled with concern that what happened there would stay there and would only happen again on the off chance that we could go there again. Thankfully, that was not the case. Jeff continued to stay with me for a time, even after he found a new job and for the most part we shared a bed that entire time. He did move out eventually and I still visit him for lunch at his office where we have sex in his car, in the restroom or I would jerk him off in his office.

David's marriage was an unhappy one and he was much more aggressive with me in a way that seemed to help him with his frustration. David never hurt me, but he was aggressive in fucking my mouth in particular. Many times after work I would stop at his house and he would fuck my face in the car in his driveway. The satisfaction I felt when he was letting himself go with me is impossible to quantify. It took some months for him to fully let go with me. He showed up at my apartment late at night, frustrated after a fight with Erica. We had sex for several hours and though we usually were careful to use condoms when we had sex, it was during that session that we stopped. David fucked me against the wall. He was behind me, pressing my face to the wall and fucking me hard from behind. The pure use and objectification of it was so overwhelming that it was one of the most intense orgasms I ever had. That is what it was to be a true zero.

Most of my encounters with John revolved around anal sex, though he told me he was so lonely at home that when he wasn't fucking me in the ass, he loved cumming in my mouth. He felt desired and needed that way and so I made sure that I was swallowing him as often as he liked and we were able. We had a near miss in his house when we had sex in his office while I was at his home for a dinner party. Chelsea nearly walked in on us but I don't think she ever suspected anything.

The next year we did manage a weekend together in the cabin again, just the four of us. That was the first time we all had sex at the same time. As their sister, I never felt more connected and important as when I was sandwiched between the three of them and they let themselves go. It took over a year, I think, for the three of them to truly let themselves go and to use me as I needed to be used. John explained to me that it was a process for them. I didn't understand that. Not really. As a zero there is no process. No matter what you multiply it by a zero is always a zero.

It has been two years now and we have continued, closer than ever. I still work at the restaurant with no plans of making any changes. I live within 20 miles of all three of my brothers and all of my time outside of work is spent with one or all of them. We have had brief conversations that perhaps I will get pregnant and of course that is very possible. If that happens then we will make the decisions that we need to make. But who I am will never change. Not for them. Not for anybody.

I will always be a zero.