The Remake of Star Wars Ch. 01

The Greatest Galactic Movie Ever Made

By Gary L. M. Martin

Prologue: The Greatest Contest Ever

[Note: You will see words such as "like" and "all" spelled as "lyke" and "oll" in an attempt to give you, the reader, the feeling that the main characters are speaking with an Australian accent.]

The Clitorians were an advanced race, much more so than mankind.

Thankfully, they came in peace.

They had all kinds of technology which Earth would love to have, first and foremost their advanced FTL drive. Earth had an FTL drive of its own, but it was only fast enough to enable the Survey Service to reach the nearest stars in a reasonable period of time. To reach Henry's Star, which was 40 light years from earth, would take nearly five years in the fastest ship the Survey Service had available.

A Clitorian ship could cover that distance in six days.

Earth had to get their star drive. But the Clitorians were not inclined to give it up for free. Earth, with a much more primitive level of technology, seemed to have nothing that the Clitorians would want.

And then, almost by accident, the Survey Service discovered something the Clitorians wanted badly. Badly enough to trade away the secrets of their star drive. Whichever faction on Earth could give them what they wanted would become fabulously wealthy and powerful.

What, then, did they want?

And would the Earth be able to give it to them?

Whether or not mankind would be able to spread across the stars was riding on that answer.

Chapter 1: First Contact

"Momomomomomomom."

"There, he said it again," said the first officer.

"I think that's a she, not a he," said the Captain.

Three days earlier, the United Survey Service ship USS Mongoose had been on patrol in the area around Wolf 359, nearly eight light years from Earth, when they had first encountered the alien vessel.

All hands immediately prepared for battle. The Survey Service's primary mission was exploration, but it was always prepared for combat at a moment's notice. Captain Emilia Blackstone scanned the opposing ship, and quickly learned that it was alien, and much more advanced than their own.

She tensed up, and ordered communications to be established. It was something of a relief when the aliens responded, with unintelligible sounds of their own. Even if they couldn't be understood, at least they were trying to talk. That was always a good sign.

The aliens learned their language, in short order, through some sort of universal translator (another device the Survey Service would love to have) and before long they were conversing in English on the viewscreen.

They were called the Clitorians, and claimed to be a race of peaceful explorers, like themselves. Captain Blackstone agreed to dock their two ships and meet face to face, after first relaying a message to Earth about their situation. It would take several weeks to get a reply, but at least Earth would knauw what had happened to them. If something happened to them.

But Captain Blackstone needn't have worried. The Clitorians were very much what they seemed to be; a peaceful, advanced race of travelers.

They resembled humans quite closely, though their skin was bleached white; and their heads were bald, and a little larger and more egg shaped than human heads. Captain Blackstone established peaceful contact, and learned they came from a planet some 80 light years away. The Clitorians invited them back to their home planet for a visit, but Blackstone regretfully informed them that it would take years for the Mongoose to get there.

The Clitorians said they could cover that distance in less than ten days.

That casual assertion raised a lot of eyebrows on the crew of the Mongoose, and Captain Blackstone immediately tried to determine if there was something they could trade with the Clitorians to get access to their star drive technology.

The Clitorians spent three days sifting through their cultural database, and as each day passed, Blackstone grew more and more pessimistic. The Clitorians were a highly advanced culture; it seemed unlikely Earth would have anything that they would covet.

And then, one day, they stumbled across the entertainment section of the database, and discovered the original Star Wars film.

After 400 years, it was still a timeless classic, the space opera version of Shakespeare (which itself had been largely forgotten after the 22nd century).

Captain Blackstone and her first officer, Lieutenant Commander Kelly Witt, watched in fascination as three of the Clitorians watched an old fashioned two dimensional broadcast of the classic film.

"I got one!"

"Great, kid! Don't get cocky!"

"Momomomomomom!" said one of the Clitorians, turning to look at another seated beside him. "Momomomomomomom!" said the one sitting next to him.

"Does that mean they like it?" Commander Witt asked.

"Momomomomomomom," said the third Clitorian, bouncing back and forth in his seat excitedly as TIE Fighters raked the Millennium Falcon.

"I think so," said Captain Blackstone. She allowed herself a small smile, as hope began to grow inside of her.

Chapter 2: The Offer

Herve Montalban was supposed to be in retirement in his native Seville, in Andalusia. He had been a prominent negotiator for the World Government for more than 30 years. He had negotiated the successful ending of the savage war between Finland and Uganda in 2294; the merger of the American and Australian Survey Service in 2312, and above all, the Treaty of Nantes, which brought about the expansion of powers of the World Government. Montalban was a debonair, classy Spaniard, who had a penchant for white linen suits and black ties. His hair was rich and full, but bright white, making him look like a distinguished elder statesman.

He had retired three years ago, but had been called back into service when the situation with the Clitorians came up.

"I need you, Herve," said World Government President Irene Lorenzo, pumping his hand. "Earth needs you."

Montalban could not resist. They both knew that there were other negotiators, actually many other negotiators who could have filled his role, but Lorenzo knew that Montalban was the best of the best.

And so Montalban met with the Clitorians. They were not the first aliens he had ever met, of course; he had met the Butarins, who were human in appearance except for bumps on their foreheads, and the Cinemarians, who were also human looking, except for the lumps on their foreheads.

But the Clitorians were by far the most alien of the alien species he had met, and he didn't just mean in appearance. They showed remarkably little emotion. They were very focused, very disciplined, and until Montalban got to know them, it was difficult to guess what they were thinking, which was vital for any negotiator.

President Lorenzo's orders were simple: to get the star drive at all costs.

But Montalban was in no hurry. When the Clitorians came to Earth, in the company of the USS Mongoose, he began to size up their leader, a woman named Setla Ma. Like all Clitorians, Setla Ma had a bright white skin, was completely bald, and had an egg shaped head. But unlike the others, Setla Ma had a ring through her nose. Montalban asked about her Clitorian ring.

"It is a symbol of our devotion," said Setla Ma. She spoke perfect English, even though she had only been speaking it for days, Montalban noted.

"Devotion to what?"

"To beauty," said Setla Ma. "We seek beauty in all things."

"Beauty can sometimes be... a little subjective," said Montalban.

"I have learned one of your sayings. We know it, when we see it," she said, smiling at him. And by the way she smiled at him, Montalban knew he had established a connection.

"Momomomomom," said Montalban.

Setla Ma looked at Montalban, with shock and surprise in her eyes. Then she blinked rapidly, and laughed, gently touching his arm.

At that moment Montalban learned a great deal about the Clitorians.

********

The decision to show them The Empire Strikes Back was his to make. Once Captain Blackstone had showed the Clitorians Star Wars, she had wisely held back the sequels and prequels, figuring they could be used as bargaining chips.

But Montalban, after talking more with Setla Ma, decided to show her and two of her colleagues The Empire Strikes Back. At least, the first few minutes of it. One of the World Government minders sent by President Lorenzo gave him a surprised glance, but Montalban simply nodded at him, to show that he knew what he was doing.

And so three of the Clitorians watched the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back, the first sequel to the original Star Wars film. They walked the opening crawl. They watched the Star Destroyer launching probes. They watched Luke exploring the ice planet.

Ten minutes into the film, and the Clitorians hadn't said a word. There were no smiles. There were no shared glances. And there were certainly no "Momomomomomom's."

Montalban decided, at that moment, to let them watch the rest of the film. And they did. There was only one scene where he heard a "Momomomomom", when Yoda said "Feel like what?" and Luke said, "Like I'm being watched."

And that was their only reaction. Captain Blackwell had told him that the Clitorians had made approving sounds no less than ten times when they saw the original Star Wars film. Either they had gotten tired of Star Wars, or the sequel hadn't measured up to their expectation.

Later that day Montalban showed them Return of the Jedi, and this time they only cracked a smile, and that was once, when Luke was flipping in the air to grab his light saber and start slicing Jabba the Hutt's guards.

The next day Montalban showed them excerpts from the prequels, and this time they didn't even smile. And when he showed them clips from the Disney sequels, he thought he actually heard them groan.

Afterwards, he talked to Setla Ma.

"The original Star Wars was what you would call a work of art," said Setla Ma. "It was tremendous. We, who have drama art forms similar to yours, have never seen anything like it. It was priceless."

Priceless. The word stuck in Montalban's head.

********

The Ambassadors to the World Government listened eagerly, taking in every word that Montalban told them. He told them that the Clitorians had offered them the technical details of their star drive, and assistance in putting one together, if they could produce a work as tremendous as the original Star Wars.

"So they want a good sequel to Star Wars?" one of the delegates asked.

"I don't think so," said Montalban. "They were showed the sequels, and they were not nearly impressed. I think they literally want to see a reshooting of the original Star Wars script."

"The same film?" the delegate from the United States asked. "Will that really satisfy them?"

"If done well, I think so," said Montalban. "These Clitorians take great note of very subtle changes. When I showed them the original Star Wars, to ask them what they liked about it, they remarked how it was almost a totally different experience for them, because they were seeing the film with a slightly different contrast level, and with a slightly higher volume. "

"What did they specifically say they liked about Star Wars?"

"That it was a work of art," said Montalban, smiling broadly. "They didn't have words to express it further. But they said that if one of our movie studios can produce a reboot, if you will, of the original Star Wars film which satisfies them, then the studio that produces it, will receive their star drive."

The delegates started talking excitedly among themselves. President Lorenzo came forward. "Naturally the Clitorians don't want to be flooded with hundreds of submissions. They have suggested a maximum of one submission per country. Of course most countries do not have the technical ability to produce a film of this magnitude. We suggest that each nation with major film producing capacity designate one studio to produce a Star Wars remake. Hopefully one of them will be good enough to earn us the star drive."

"You want us to make the film, and hand over the star drive to you?" said one of the delegates.

"Of course," said President Lorenzo. "You will all be making your own efforts individually, but I know that it would be best if we all agree in advance that the country which produces the winning film should turn over the star drive to the World Government. That's why I have thoughtfully distributed an agreement to your datapads that your territorial governments should sign, agreeing in advance that should your country win the competition, that you turn over the star drive to the World Government, who will then see that the technical benefits are fairly distributed to everyone. Is that agreed, ladies and gentlemen?"

"Of course," said the Russian representative.

"Definitely," said the Chinese ambassador.

"Without a doubt," said the United States representative.

"Then, I suggest you all contact your governments and begin collaborating with your motion picture studios. Because the deadline for submissions is one year from today," said President Lorenzo. She smiled as the ambassadors started talking loudly to each other. Then she tipped an imaginary hat to Seňor Montalban, who bowed gracefully to her in return.

Chapter 3: It Begins

Century City, California

"Fuck the World Government."

Andrew Bolton, the National Security Advisor for the President of the United States, was emphatic as he put a synthetic cigar in his mouth.

"Sir?" said Danbert Hines. Hines was the CEO of Google Pictures, the largest holopicture studio in Hollywood, located in the heart of Century City, the movie making center of Los Angeles. After the great film crash of 2154, Google had snapped up most of the major film studios and now produced eight of the top ten holofilms made in the world every year. Hines wasn't normally as mild mannered as this, but neither did he normally have a senior White House official in his executive offices.

"Of course we're not going to agree to turn the star drive over to the World Government," said Bolton, puffing vigorously. "We have the best movie studios in the world. We're certain to win this competition. Why concede a race we are all but certain to win?"

"But the World Government-"

"Will just have to wait with its hand out like everyone else, once we win this prize," said Bolton. "You, of course, will agree in advance to turn over the star drive to the United States Government, if and when your film wins this competition."

"I will?" Hines asked.

"You will, or else we will select another studio to make it, and you will lose out on all the publicity and revenue possibilities. Think about being the studio which makes a film which allows mankind to explore the galaxy!"

"That would be quite... lucrative. The entire world would want to see the film which won the star drive," said Hines. He started rapidly thinking of revenue numbers.

"I think we have a deal, then," said Bolton, getting up, and reaching for his hat. "I'll have the documents sent for your signature later today."

"Wait!" said Hines. "What about Disney? Don't they still have the rights to Star Wars?"

"After more than 300 years?" said Bolton.

********

It turns out Disney did. They had lobbied the Congress to change the copyright laws so they could retain control nearly indefinitely. What they did not count on, however, was when Congress changed the copyright laws the very next day to allow the Territorial Government to wrest control of specific copyrights "in the National Interest". A day later, the United States Government owned the copyright to Star Wars, and assigned the licensing rights to Google Pictures.

********

Perth, Australia

"Fuck the United States."

General Maximilius Henderson was the Chairman of the Joints Chief of Staff of the Australian Defense Forces. He sat in the office of Hearst Pictures, headquartered in Perth, Australia. Perth had become a regional filmmaking hub in the early 22nd century. While it was still eclipsed by the might of Hollywood, it had produced a number of second tier films which had achieved global fame.

"But America holds the copyright to the Star Wars film," said Tom Landry, the Chairman of Hearst Pictures.

"Then let them sue us in World Government Court," said Henderson, smiling as he puffed on his synthetic cigar.

"The World Government will decide against us," said Landry.

"Not if we beat the competition. Not if they want the star drive," said General Henderson. "Everyone expects Hollywood to win. Maybe 300 years ago they would have. But what they produce now is pure crap. I knauw that we produce excellent films hear in Australia. I think we have just as good a chance at winning as they do. And if we do, that will put Australia in the driver's seat."

"But... what about the World Government? What about the Survey Service?"

"We'll give them oll the star drive... at the right price," said Henderson, smiling again.

"I understand."

"I knew yew would," said Henderson. "Yew make the film. We own it. Yew keep oll the proceeds from the theaters. But yew give us the star drive. How does that sound?"

"Lyke a plan," said Landry.

********

Shanghai, China

"Our spies have already revealed that none of the other governments, especially the Americans, plan to sign that foolish document turning over the star drive to the World Government," said Wang Min, the head of State Security. He sat in the offices of Shanghai Studios, talking to the Chief Executive, Gua Qiangho. "The decadent West will grind out more of its repetitive drivel. In the meantime, you will be making a true remake of the original Star Wars, one with a genuine Chinese heart."

Gua Qiangho felt his pulse race. He wanted to be sure he understood what he was hearing. "Do you mean....?"

"I do," said Wang Min. "A Star Wars Kung Fu movie. We will use it to win the star drive, and then all nations of the world will kowtow to us."

********

Stockholm, Sweden

They were singers, but they had always wanted to act.

Agneta and Benny were a couple. So were Frida and Bjorn. Agneta and Frida were singers. Benny played the electric guitar, and Bjorn played the keyboard. For several years they had performed all around Sweden, and gradually acquired a following. Gradually their following expanded, and they performed in Denmark and Norway too. It wasn't long before Europe, and then the rest of the world had heard of them. Their smash single, "Dancing Vampire," topped the music charts for eight consecutive months.

But that was their peak moment of fame. Two years after that, they found themselves back to performing in taverns in Stockholm again.

The four of them, especially Agneta, were big Star Wars fans and wanted to change that.

Agneta sat topless in a hot tub, along with her Benny, Bjorn, and Frida, who were in a similar state of lack of dress. "The United States thinks it will win this competition before it even begins. I say we can do better."

"Better?" said Frida. "We're not filmmakers!"

"Who cares?" Agneta shrugged, causing her breasts to bounce pleasantly.

"But we don't have the resources of a major movie studio," said Bjorn. "We don't even knauw how to make a film!"

"Better and better. We'll do a totally fresh and original take on the underlying material," said Agneta. "We will win not because of our technical skill in filmmaking. We will win, instead, because our version will have the one thing that Hollywood can never understand. Humanity." She put an arm around Benny, who tried not to stare at her breasts, but failed miserably. She kissed him. "Don't you agree?"

Benny nodded, reddening, and said, "Yes."

And they all laughed.