The Remake of Star Wars Ch. 04

On Board the Tantive IV

Perth

Elias had hired the special effects team led by John Dyson who Quentin recommended. Dyson had experience doing special effects for many films. Elias met with him and let him know what he wanted. He didn't want the spaceships to look too real; he wanted them to look a little like models, as they looked in the original film. Within a period of weeks, Dyson was ready to show him the opening scene, of Princess Leia's corvette, the Tantive IV, being overtaken by an Imperial Class Star Destroyer. He watched from a side view as the Star Destroyer pounded the corvette with lasers and overtook it.

But Elias frowned the entire time.

"What's wrong?" Dyson asked.

"The camera angle. Yew filmed it from the side," said Elias.

"So?"

"In the original, it was filmed from underneath the Star Destroyer. We got to watch this massive ship moving slowly past the camera. In one shot, without a single word being spoken, we understood from the size of it that the Empire was this big, powerful, military force. By moving the camera to the side, yew dilute that."

Dyson nodded. "We can redo that."

"Please."

********

When Elias got to the set for the first day of filming, he saw Nettie getting everything set up for the corridor scene on the Tantive IV where Imperial troops rush aboard and invade the ship. The set had been physically built, and looked very impressive, its white walls resembling those of the original Star Wars film.

Two days before filming was to begin, they had found they had nearly everything they needed--actors, extras, Princess Leia, the droids, the sets, the lighting--and yet one thing was still missing.

"Darth Vader," Elias had said incredulously. "We can't find someone to play Darth Vader? He doesn't even have to speak. We're going to have someone else do the voice. How hard can it be to find someone over six feet tall to walk around in a black plastic costume?"

Apparently, it was. The tallest man on the crew was Jack Burton, who was 5' 11". They had tried to cast the role repeatedly, but no one with the required height applied.

Finally, it was Nettie who came up with a solution. "I have a possible candidate," she said, grabbing his hand. "But yew may not lyke her."

"Her?" said Elias. Darth Vader was a man. Then he thought about it. There would be no harm in a woman playing Darth Vader, if she was tall enough; it wasn't lyke anyone would see or even hear the person inside. "Who do yew have in mind?"

"Your Aunt Gertrude," said Nettie, looking him squarely in the eye.

Aunt Gertie?

Aunt Gertrude was the youngest child of Elias's grandparents, and he was the oldest child of his parents. Thus there was only about a ten year difference in age between the two, with Aunt Gertrude being about 50 years old and Elias being 40.

"No," said Elias.

"She'd do it if yew asked. Yew knauw how much she adores you," said Nettie, squeezing his hand. That's what she did when she wanted something.

Aunt Gertie did adore Elias. She might not know a thing about Star Wars, but if Elias asked for her help, she'd probably do it. And she was tall, too, over 6 foot 4 inches.

But to have Darth Vader... played by his Aunt Gertie?

"No," said Elias again.

Nettie let his hand drop and his heart sank. "It's either use your Aunt Gertie, or have Darth Vader played by the same midget we were planning to use for R2-D2." She gave him a sarcastic grin.

Elias knew she was exaggerating. But he also knew they needed a tall person to play Darth Vader. And so....

********

"Me?" said Gertrude. "Yew want me to play a robot in your spaceship movie?"

To say that Aunt Gertrude knew nothing about science fiction would be an understatement. She had never even seen the original Star Wars film, and sometimes confused it with Lord of the Rings, asking more than once if there were any elves in it.

"It's not a robot, Aunt Gertie," said Elias. "For the third time, it's just a man in a plastic costume."

"Why does he wear this plastic costume?" Gertie asked.

"He was hideously burned when he fell into a volcano during a light saber duel on the plant Mustafar," said Elias.

"Ooooh," said Gertie, putting a hand on her chest.

"But don't worry, yew won't have to wear any ghastly makeup. You'll be wearing a plastic costume, remember?"

"A plastic costume. But... I won't be a robot, right?" The distinction seemed to be important to her, for some reason.

"Not a bit."

"This character... is he a good guy?"

"No, Auntie. He's bad. Very bad."

"Oooooh," Aunt Gertrude shivered. "I'll do it!"

********

"Elias! Elias dear!" he heard.

Elias turned and saw Darth Vader march up to him. In front of the entire crew, Vader went and tried to give him a big hug.

"Oh, this silly helmet simply gets in the way!" she cried, taking it off, to reveal the features of Aunt Gertrude. She kissed him on the cheek as everyone watched.

"Hello, Aunt Gertrude," said Elias, feeling embarrassed.

"Aunt Gertrude? Yew haven't called me that since yew were ten," said Gertrude. "What do yew call me, Ellie?"

"Aunt Gertie," said Elias.

Nettie tried to restrain a laugh, but couldn't.

Elias got Aunt Gertrude squared away and turned her over to Nick Caruso, Quentin's assistant Director.

He looked at Nettie.

"Ellie?" she said, with a wide smile.

Elias raised a finger. "Never say that."

Nettie immediately wiped the smile from her face with her right hand and nodded solemnly.

********

The shot took another hour to set up. The costumes the extras wore--the stormtroopers, and the rebel soldiers-- looked authentic. Judy Steritt also looked good in the simple white dress they had given her.

She discovered that Quentin had really been serious when he said there might be a problem with her breasts, which were larger than those of the actress who had played Princess Leia in the original film. During the screen tests Quentin had complained that they bounced around when she ran. They tried different bras, but ended up taping her breasts to her bra, to avoid what Quentin smilingly called "camera jiggle".

Judy had also been invited over to Quentin's trailer for a "rehearsal", and felt a little sore afterwards from the vigorous nature of his direction. She wondered how many times she would be required to rehearse with Quentin during the production. She was beginning to doubt the exchange she had made. Judy looked around. She was on the set of a major motion picture. It was worth it, she told herself. It had to be worth it.

Quentin came onto the set and greeted Elias. For some reason his director's chair was bigger than Elias's. How had that come to be? Elias tried to convince himself he was being petty.

But then Elias saw Quentin smile and admire Nettie's ass cheeks, smiling broadly, as she bent over to pick up some equipment off the ground, and Elias's blood started to boil.

"Are we ready to begin?" Elias asked, in a neutral tone.

"Of course. Time for the master to begin his work," said Quentin, with a cocky tone.

All the actors were in position. The line director yelled, "Action!" and the scene began. The door to the corvette blew open, and the stormtroopers came bursting in, firing their blasters.

Of course, no one could see the blaster bolts--they would be added in later. The stormtroopers came through the door, first the first one, then the second one, who fell as he was "shot", and then the third--but then, the third stumbled and fell over the body of the second stormtrooper.

They shot it again, and the same thing happened.

"What's the problem?" Quentin asked.

It turned out that stormtrooper helmets didn't allow for a wide range of vision. In the opening scene there were a number of stormtrooper and rebel bodies on the ground. There were many bodies that could be tripped over, and the stormtroopers did just that. The extras tried to memorize paths around the bodies, but all it took was one extra to trip over one body to ruin the entire scene. They tried filming it ten times, but made little progress.

Finally, it was one of the grips, of all people, who offered a solution. "After the initial blast, and shootout, shoot an establishing shot of the bodies on the ground. Then when yew film them walking forward, first get the bodies out of the way and film them from the knees up, so people won't see the ground."

"That's a good idea," said Quentin. He looked at the young blonde man, and then he said, "Who are you?"

"Billy Williams, sir. I work with the grips. They call me Grippy."

"Good work, Grippy." said Quentin. And that was exactly the way he filmed it, and it worked.

And then it was time for Darth Vader to make his grand entrance.

"Vader!" Quentin yelled. "Action!"

Forty pair of eyes were focused on the blasted remains of the door of the Corellian Corvette.

And nothing happened.

"Vader!" Quentin cried.

No one came out.

Quentin gave a curt finger to Nick Caruso, his AD, who scurried onto the set of the Tantive IV and disappeared behind the blasted door. Then they all heard a feminine voice say, "Oh, that was for me?"

And then Darth Vader, flanked by two stormtroopers, entered the Corellian Corvette. Darth Vader was tall, and menacing, and... walked like a girl.

In the end, ten takes later, the best they could do was to get Aunt Gertrude to walk like a robot, to get her to walk like a man. Aunt Gertie resisted this because she had been promised, by "Ellie himself", that she would not be playing the part of a robot, but in the end she relented, and stomped down the corridor in a vaguely satisfying way.

********

The following day they filmed the scene where Princess Leia was captured and brought to Darth Vader. They fed the lines to Aunt Gertrude and let her read them any way she wanted, as long as she did the appropriate finger wagging and fist shaking. She quickly acquired a skill at using her head tilts and hand gestures to convey a menacing meaning.

Even in the scene where she had to strangle one of the crewmen of the Tantive IV, she did it well enough to finish it in one take, and afterwards, took off her helmet and ran to Elias and kissed him on the cheek.

"What was that for?" Elias asked, aware of all eyes on them.

"It feels so good to be the bad guy, Ellie!" said Gertrude, smiling broadly.

Judy Steritt made a good first showing as well. Dressed in virginal white, she had the right degree of belligerence in her eyes when she lectured Aunt Gertrude. "This time you've gone too far! The Imperial Senate will not stand for this!" and her facial expressions and tone and body language were great. Elias had to admit that for Leia, at least, that Quentin had made a good pick.

But then they hit another problem when Angus Conrad, the actor playing C-3PO, couldn't fit into the escape pod. It turns out the ceiling was a little low and Angus's costume didn't allow him to bend so far down. They spent several frustrating minutes trying to figure this out until Nettie came up with the answer.

"Just film him when he's about to go into the pod. Then cut away to another angle where he's already in the pod."

Quentin had a dissatisfied look on his face, but Elias told him they were pressed for time, and already, on the third day of shooting, they were falling behind schedule. So he agreed. But then, after filming 3PO about to enter the pod, he still had to get inside of it. Two of the crew had to carry Angus Conrad, rigidly horizontal, like a corpse into the pod, and then carry him out the same way, when the scene was done.

After the third day of filming, they ended the filming on the corvette. Nick Caruso, the first AD, came over to Judy Steritt and told her that Quentin wanted to see her in his trailer that evening.

"What for?" Judy asked.

"Rehearsals," said Nick, giving her a grin.

He knew. Judy shook her head. It seemed that the way Quentin was using her was becoming an open secret among the crew. This deal was getting worse and worse. She wondered if she should go to Elias. He had seemed positively disposed towards her. But if the crew knew how Quentin was using her, Elias almost certainly did too, and complaining would only make it harder for her.

Sighing with resignation, she made her way to Quentin's trailer.

********

"What am I looking for?" Elias asked, watching the film rushes.

"This," said Nettie, fast forwarding to the scene where Darth Vader interrogated Princess Leia. The scene opened with a wide, establishment shot, and then zoomed in rapidly on Vader and Leia. Then the camera point of view seemed to bob around, in a circle, as the two talked.

"There's more," said Nettie, rewinding to the scene where Vader strangled the rebel captain. Once again, the camera circled around the two, zooming closer and closer as the rebel's neck was snapped.

Nettie turned on the lights and looked at Elias. She said nothing. She didn't have to.

"It's not the way I would have filmed it," said Elias. "But Quentin is the director."

"Is this the look and feel yew want for your film?" Nettie asked.

"It's only the beginning. Let's give him a little time to find his bearings," said Elias. But he, too, was concerned.

Nettie nodded, but also gave him a challenging look, raising her eyebrows.

Elias said nothing further.

Stockholm

"All right, are we ready?"

Agneta and Frida were in string bikinis, and Bjorn and Benny were in bathing suits. oll were sitting on the edge of a hot tub, with their legs dangling into it. Benny had his electric guitar, and Bjorn had his keyboard on a little stand just above his lap. Behind them could be seen impressive snowcapped mountains. It was a very odd juxtaposition, of bikinis and snow, but that was classic Sweden.

"Lars, are you all set?"Agneta asked.

"Ya!" said Lars, who was behind the camera.

"Then let's begin," said Agneta.

No one said anything for a moment.

"What is it? What is happening?"

Agneta put hands on her hips. "Lars, yew have to say 'Action!'"

"Oh. Ok. Action!"

Agneta: "Transmiiiiissions! "

Frida (lower): "Transmiiiiission! "

Benny (still lower): "Transmiiiissions! "

Bjorn (even lower): "Transmiiiissions! "

Bjorn: "Where are those transmissions you intercepted? "

Chorus: "Transmissions, transmissions, interceeeepted, interceeeepted! "

Bjorn: "Where are those transmissions you intercepted? "

Chorus: "Transmissions, transmissions, interceeeepted, interceeepted! "

Agneta: "They're not on this ship! They're not over heeeere! They're not over theeeeere!

Chorus: "Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum" [man in Vader suit appears behind them and pretends to strangle man dressed as rebel]

Frida: "Where are those transmissions you interceeepted? "

Agneta: "They're in Dagobah, at the bottom of a swaaaamp! They're on Tattooine, in the belly of a Sarlacc horroooor! They're on Coruscant, in Padme's panties draweeer! "

Bjorn: "They're not in Dagobah, at the bottom of a swaaaamp! They're not on Tattooine, in the belly of a Sarlacc horroooor! They're also not on Coruscant, in Padme's panties draweeer! "

Chorus: "Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum" [man in Vader suit appears pretends to strangle man dressed as rebel]

Agneta: "The plans are on Hoth, in the belly of a Tauntaun. The plans are in Kashyyyk, on a lovely nudist Wookie beeeacch. The plans are on Endor, inside the shield generators, once they've been so lovingly breeeeeached. "

Bjorn: "The plans are not on Hoth, in the belly of a Tauntun. The plans are not in Kashyyyk, on a lovely nudist Wookie beeeacch. The plans are also not on Endor, inside the shield generators, once they've been so lovingly breeeeeached. "

Chorus: "Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum" [more choking]

Agneta: "The plans are on Mustafar, on the hiiiigh ground. The plans are on Kamino, in the pocket of a clone. The plans are on Naboo, in Padme's dildo drawer, for use when Anakin is no longer hoooome".

Bjorn: "The plans are not on Mustafar, on the hiiiigh ground. "

Chorus: "Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum" [more choking]

Bjorn: "The plans are not on Kamino, in the pocket of a clone. "

Chorus: "Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum" [more choking]

Bjorn: "The plans are also not on Naboo, in Padme's dildo drawer, for use when Anakin is no longer hoooome. "

Chorus (louder with each refrain): "Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum! Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum! Dum dum dum, dumdedum, dumdeduuum! " [more choking, then sound of neck snapping and the body of the rebel is tossed into the pool. It floats, and everyone claps and laughs]

Century City:

It was the first day of filming. They were shooting the sequence on the Tantive IV, the scene where the Imperials blast their way through the door, and then shoot their way past the corridor lined with rebels.

The scene was supposed to be filmed in a day.

It took three.

"Not a good sign," Tom Anderson sighed, standing in the background.

Danbert Hines had acquiesced when Vasily said he wanted Olivar Martinez to be First Assistant Director. But he said he wanted someone experienced to be the Second AD. He had recommended Tom Anderson, and Vasily had agreed.

Tom has over two decades of experience filming in Hollywood. Action films were his specialty. Really, with his experience, he should have been First AD, or even Director. But somehow, the top job always seemed to go to someone else. It wasn't that the top brass didn't like Tom, it was just, well... that they liked other people better.

Hollywood in the 24th century was still a small, incestuous place, and hadn't changed much over the centuries.

And so Tom had swallowed his pride and taken the Second AD position. Despite his title, he was basically a gofer boy for Olivar Martinez, who treated him like a servant. He had thought about quitting, but his girlfriend, Susan Clark, told him it was still a great opportunity.

"Just think about it, Tom," she had said, while they were in bed together. "To be Second AD, on a film that's going to win the star drive!"

"If we win the star drive, no one's going to ask who the second AD was, or even the first AD," said Tom. "Vasily will take all the credit, you can be sure of that."

"Maybe," said Susan, looking into his eyes."But it will look stellar on your resume. Every production will want to hire you after that."

"As a second AD, yeah," said Tom.

But at least he had been able to get Susan a job on the crew. Susan worked in props. Tom knew better than to ask Olivar or Vasily for help. Instead, he went to Miles Fielding, the studio producer. Miles was agreeable enough. Miles was always agreeable enough, as long as you weren't asking him for money.

So Tom stood with the rest of the crew and watched them film for three days at the door to the Tantive IV was blown up again and again, and stormtroopers charged into the ship, guns blazing, again and again.

It seemed the same to Tom every time. But Vasily insisted that this stormtrooper walk this way, or that stormtrooper fall over there, or that the explosion of the door occur a little higher, or lower, or somewhere else.

Finally, after three days of this, even Miles had had enough of this, and he could be seen whispering to Vasily, who reluctantly nodded.

Then they started filming the other scenes aboard the Tantive IV.

Dan White, the 6 foot 5 inch tall man who was playing Darth Vader, was instructed to strangle the Rebel Officer again and again. Vasily made the poor man do it 17 times before he was remotely satisfied.

Vasily liked a lot of takes. He had a reputation as a finicky director, which Tom quickly saw was well deserved.

But no one else dared call him on it. Not even when he made Stephanie Garlotta film her scene with Dan White thirty times.

Stephanie Garlotta was a foul mouthed whore, Tom had sadly concluded. It was not a difficult conclusion to reach.

While she was waiting for her costume fitting, Stephanie, wearing nothing but a bra and panties, noticed some in the crew watching her. She gyrated her ass towards them and stuck out her tongue and made retching sounds.

In her bra and panties, one could see all the tattoos covering nearly every part of her body, except her hands, neck, and face. She looked like a living comic book. There were pictures of animals, and religious symbols, and words in Japanese (or were they Chinese?), and faces of men, and asses too; she had more than one ass tattooed on her back, for reasons known only to her.

"Do you like what you see? Do you want to see more?" she said, mocking them. And then she pulled down her panties, faced away from them, and started grunting.

Everyone's eyes were fixed, as a large piece of excrement slowly came out of her ass cheeks. It appeared to grow in size, until it was a large, steaming oval, and then it hit the ground.

"Ha ha, film that!" said Stephanie, as she pulled her panties up triumphantly.

The entire crew was in shock.

But once she was in her white, virginal outfit, she became something else completely. The tattoos were gone. So was her singsong Southern California accent and her guttural attitude. Suddenly, she was the prim and proper Princess Leia.

"Darth Vader, only you could be so bold," she said, sounding perfectly like a princess.

The only thing was, she still didn't look perfectly like a princess.

Alyssa Guttmacher, the Executive Producer for Diversity and Inclusion, had objected to Princess Leia having those hair buns.

"You know what those buns symbolize, don't you?" she had asked Vasily.

"Of courrrse," said Vasily. "But... you say it so much betterrr."

"Breasts," said Alyssa, glaring at Vasily. "They are symbols of sexuality. They must go." She had demanded that Leia have a short hair cut, like a man. She said it would appeal more to the QRSTUV+ community.

When Stephanie Garlotta heard that, she did one step better.

She shaved off all her hair.

She now had just stubble on top of her head. Princess Leia, dressed in her white outfit, had a beard-like stubble on her head.

Nonetheless she acted the part.

Vasily smiled when he saw her, but inside he was feeling more than a little uneasy. The studio usually didn't intervene this much in his film productions, but obviously they had special interest in a film that was going to win the alien star drive.

"But you do not tink... et will look strange that Princess have no hairrr?" he asked.

"Of course not," said Alyssa. "The Clitorians are bald themselves."

That was true, Vasily had to admit. Even their women were bald. "But she... she has stubble on her head-"

"The women will love it, trust me," said Alyssa. Vasily looked at Miles Fielding, who smiled and nodded, like a trained parrot. He had no choice in this.

But even bald, Stephanie gave a very Princess-like impression as she argued with Darth Vader. They only had to film the scene 27 times to get it just right, or as right as Vasily could get it when filming a princess with hair stubble on the top of her head.

They next turned to filming the scene in the escape pod. Vasily thought this should be simple; the actor playing C-3PO, Walter Murray, would say a few lines, R2-D2 would beep, and that should be that.

But Alyssa had to stick her tits in it again, and she demanded something more.

"Robot sex?" Vasily asked incredulously.

"Positive portrayal of robosexuality is part of the prime mission of the QRSTUV+ community," said Alyssa.

"You vant... to see gold robot put ting inside of round robot?"

"No, no, no," said Alyssa, laughing as she put a hand on Vasily. "I realize this isn't a porn film. What I was thinking was something less... direct. Show the gold robot gasping as he moves his top half back and forth. We'll leave the rest to the imagination."

"You want to see robot panting... as if robot having sex?" Vasily asked.

"Yes."

"But... robots can't have sex," said Vasily.

Alyssa put her hands on her hips. "That is such a robophobic remark! I wouldn't have expected that from you, Vasily Korotich!"

Vasily suddenly had images of being labeled a bigot, and blacklisted from Hollywood forever. He immediately changed course. "No, no, no, ve can do, can do. All right, robots having the sex, ve do."

And so they filmed a scene where Walter Murray, in his 3PO costume, was rocking his body back and forth next to R2, simulating sex with him. Vasily resolved that if they were going to film robot sex, they were going to do it right. They did about 20 takes, but Vasily was not satisfied.

"You not moaning right," said Vasily.

Murray, getting more and more disgusted, stopped in mid thrust. "And how exactly does a robot moan when it has sex, Vasily?"

Some of the crew started to smile. Someone else chuckled. Vasily looked around to see who was laughing, which wiped the smiles off of all their faces. Then he turned back to Walter Murray.

"Remembar, you 3PO. You do not goah oooooh, like young girl having poossy sex," said Vasily. "You moan as robot does. You goah, 'I say, I say, oh I say'."

Because Murray was wearing his 3PO mask, they could not see his expression of pure disgust.

"All right," he said, thinking of how much his agent insisted that this role would really launch his acting career.

And so they filmed it again, with Murray thrusting against R2, moaning "I say! Oh I say!", and with each take, Alyssa Guttmacher's smile grew broader and broader.

********

"This film is seriously fucked up," said Tom Anderson. He was lying in bed with Susan. "A bald Princess Leia? Robots having sex?"

"We're having sex," said Susan, pressing her body against him.

"But we're not robots," said Tom.

"Thank god," said Susan, giving him a kiss.

"I don't know," said Tom, lying on his back, looking up at the ceiling. "I'm beginning to regret taking this job."

"Will you still regret it when the film wins the star drive prize?" Susan asked.

"What's that to me?" Tom said. "I'm not going to get the star drive. And as Second Assistant Director, I'm not going to get credit for the film either."

"Or the blame, if it fails," said Susan. "It's a job, Tom. It's just nice to be working."

"Working," Tom snorted. "Doing all the grunt work while Olivar Martinez goes off and fucks robot kids."

"I'm amazed he got the first AD job," said Susan.

"I'm not. He's one of Vasily's boytoys."

"Really?" said Susan, rubbing his chest. "I knew about Vadim. But Olivar too?"

"That's the rumor," said Tom. "This movie is so fucked up."

********

"You shouldn't look at it that way," said Sophie. She was lying in bed with Walter. Today had been humiliating for him. While in his 3PO costume, he had been forced to act out humping R2-D2. After seventeen takes, when Vasily finally decided he had filmed every way a robot can hump another robot, Walter had been released for the day. But the crew had been cruel to him. It had been so bad that they joked openly in front of him.

"Hey Walter, does Sophie know about you and R2?" asked Bobbie McFarren in Wardrobe.

"Walter, Walter, are the rumors true: is R2 pregnant?" Tony Amendala from Transportation asked.

"I hate this," said Walter, lying in bed and looking up at the ceiling.

"You knew you were going to play a robot," Sophie said.

"But no one told me I'd be fucking other robots," said Walter. "I'm a laughing stock."

"You are not!" said Sophie. "After this, you'll be able to write your own ticket."

"Are you serious?" Walter asked.

"You are one of the first actors to have a robot sex scene. There will be a tremendous demand for you."

"To fuck other robots in other films? No thanks," said Walter.

"Walter, you're an actor," said Sophie. "Don't you like to eat?"

She had a point. Walter hadn't had an acting job for nearly nine months, except for a small spot in a holocommercial for self-knitting socks.

"I want to act in artistic films," said Walter.

"And you will," said Sophie. "But first, you have to fuck a robot. That's just how it is, in Hollywood."

Shanghai

Johnny met the cast of the film, or at least, the cast that mattered: the stuntmen.

Johnny had worked with them all before. There was Wan Li, a martial arts master who had mentored Johnny early on in his acting career. Wan Li was in his 50's, and tended to play older roles.

There was Bam Lu, another martial arts expert about the same age as Johnny. Everyone had a hobby in life, and Bam Lu was no exception. But Bam Lu's favorite hobby was sex, and he got it wherever he could. He would say or do whatever it took to get a woman in bed. Johnny didn't care for him very much.

Then there was Ping Pang Pong. Ping Pang Pong was an enthusiastic martial artist. But some would say he was more than just enthusiastic. When Ping Pang Pong got his blood flowing, some would say that he would become excessive in his use of violence. Behind his back they called him "Crazy Ping" or "Maniac Pong". You didn't want to be within arms or legs length of Ping Pang Pong when he got into a crazy mood.

Then there was Wang Suk. Wang Suk tended to play the female roles in martial arts movies, for obvious reasons. She was a pretty girl, in her 20's, and she had received more than one sexual advance from Bam Lu, until the time when he tried to procreate with her and she kicked him in the balls, and after that Bam Lu stopped making sexual advances towards her, and all was fine and good.

And then there was Black Panda. Black Panda was a few years older than Johnny. His real name was Meishu Gur, but everyone just called him Black Panda. Black Panda was a very, very aggressive martial artist. He loved his work, but used it as an excuse to hurt people. It was very common for stuntmen working opposite Black Panda to wind up in the hospital with broken bones and concussions. Black Panda would always blame the other person if they got injured, saying they were clumsy or walked right into his punches.

It was rumored that Black Panda had a patron in the Central Committee, a relative perhaps, who protected him, so he could feel free to hurt people with impunity.

When Chew Mi heard that Black Panda was going to be in the film as well, she almost wished that Johnny would withdraw.

"I can't possibly do that," Johnny had said.

"But he will hurt you. He always hurts the people he works around," said Chew Mi.

"He may have hurt the others, but he will not hurt me. I will not let him," said Johnny.

"I fear for you, Renshu," she said. Only Chew Mi was allowed to call him by his real name.

"I will be fine," he said, giving her a kiss. "And you will be there to see it." He had gotten her a job in the art department. Bo Yibo was only too happy to make the star of his movie satisfied... as long as it didn't cost him much.

Johnny met the actors as they prepared for the first day of filming. He exchanged friendly greetings with all of them, but when it came to Black Panda, he just snorted at Johnny. "So, this is the stripling they have chosen to play Luke Skywalker."

"Yes, I was selected, Panda," said Johnny, standing tall and matching his glare, to show he would not be intimidated.

"I should have gotten that role," said Black Panda, standing face to face with him.

"But you didn't," said Johnny.

"That can change," said Black Panda, and he gave Johnny an enigmatic smile, and then walked away.

********

Bo Yibo was not happy to have Chiang Ching on his set. Her mere presence made him nervous. And not him, but his entire film crew. One word from her, and anyone, himself included, could land in jail.

Yibo had tried to cozy up to her, but Chiang Ching was as cold as ice. She was there to see that the film was made according to Chinese socialist principals. When she suggested that the Star Destroyer in the opening sequence have the American flag emblazoned on it, and the rebel corvette have the red Chinese star, Yibo hailed her "excellent suggestion." When she suggested adding dialog suggesting that the Rebellion was fighting for the freedom of the worker class from the predatory behavior of the capitalists, Yibo hailed it as a "stroke of inspiration". But she never smiled, even when he agreed with her.

Wang Suk, playing Princess Leia, was to be featured in the very first scene. The rebel corvette gets captured. The door to the corvette gets blasted open. Imperial stormtroopers rush in, blasters blazing. There is a firefight. Then the rebels retreat, and the stormtroopers advance--only to encounter Wang Suk, dressed in virginal white. She starts attacking the stormtroopers with Kung Fu.

"Hiiiii Ya!' She yelled, as she chopped a stormtrooper on the head. Despite his helmet, he went down. In fact, armor seemed to be no defense at all against Kung Fu, at least for purposes of this film. Wang Suk kicked stormtroopers in the head, chest, stomach, and legs, and they all went down.

Finally, when she was surrounded by a pile of stormtrooper bodies, Darth Vader appeared. He "used the Force" to immobilize her, and then they had their scene together. Wang Suk, who, except for being Chinese and physically looking nothing like Princess Leia, was assured that, wearing big hair buns, she looked very much like Princess Leia. Wang Suk dueled verbally with Darth Vader.

"Darth Vader! Only you could be so bold! The great proletarian worker's revolution will not be stopped!"

"Don't act so surprised, your Highness," said Vader. "Capitalism will always prevail."

He ordered her to be taken away, and the scene ended.

When Bo Yibo yelled "Cut!", Johnny, who had been watching from the sidelines, was envious. They had actually gotten to say real lines of dialog! He couldn't wait for his own turn. Finally, he was going to be recognized as a real actor!