The Remake of Star Wars Ch. 05

Chapter 7: Tattooine

Perth (Lake Darlot)

Quentin hadn't been too keen on working on location. Lake Darlot was more than six hours inland from Perth, in the unattractive desert waste of western Australia. But Elias insisted on it, saying that it would give the Tattooine scenes realism that they would never capture on a set.

So a big chunk of the production crew was shipped to Lake Darlot. It was the month of May, so the weather was not as bad as it could have been, but the temperatures routinely broke 90 degrees.

They started working with the droids and had problems immediately. Angus Conrad, encased in a hot metal plated 3PO suit, was on the verge of getting heat stroke. He needed constant water breaks, and the crew actually had to hose him down with cold water every thirty minutes just to keep his costume at a reasonable temperature. He could barely drink water through his mask. They had to give him a straw.

Even worse, Angus could barely walk in the costume. If he was walking on a hill with the smallest incline (or decline), he was liable to trip and fall. Basically, he could only walk on flat surfaces. His costume wasn't even flexible to sit down with. Poor Angus could only rest by leaning against a wall.

The R2-D2 unit wasn't much better. Elias had paid a lot to have a remote controlled recreation of the iconic droid made. It certainly looked like the original. The only problem is that it couldn't really move. It would move a little, and then stop. The technical boys would tinker with it, and then get it to move a little more, before it would stop again.

Elias couldn't stand it. They had lost nearly a day on this defective device. "We can send the Survey Service to Bernard's Star, but we can't get a remote controlled toy to operate?"

Roger Jackson, the production manager, said, "The tech boys are looking into it."

"As they have been oll day," Nettie growled, checking her chrono. "Time for plan B, boss?" She winked at him.

"I'll take any plan that gets that hunk of junk moving," said Elias.

Nettie went over to talk to the technical team, her ass cheeks wiggling in her tight jeans as the desert wind blew her long brown hair back. Then she came back. "All right. We've got it working now."

"What? Oll of a sudden? How?"

Elias quickly found out. They had attached a wire to the bottom of R2, hidden under the sand, and pulled him wherever they needed him to go.

Nettie, sitting next to Elias under the shade of a giant umbrella, smiled at him. "We only use state of the art special effects for an Elias Martin production."

********

George Popadopolis had accompanied them to Lake Darlot (a lake, by the way, which hadn't seen a drop of water in an estimated two million years). He was one of the Executive Producers on the film, which in his case meant that he was a minder, there to protect the interests of Hearst Studios.

Elias had worked with George on several of his prior films, and had a good working relationship with him. George, for the most part, respected Elias's work, and let him make his films.

But something was different now.

"Look at Papa Doc," Nettie whispered conspiratorially, giving Elias an elbow.

Elias saw George conferring with Nick Caruso, the first AD, and then saw Nick going off to do some filming of the dunes with a subsidiary unit.

Elias went over to George and asked what was going on.

"It's nothing, really," said George, putting an arm on Elias's shoulder (which he hated). "I just asked Nick to shoot some B roll of the dunes."

"Why?"

"We thought that the film might use some injection of action at an earlier part of the film."

"Yew mean, action lyke stormtroopers blasting into a spaceship and killing a bunch of rebels?"

"No... that was good action, it was, it's just... the Tattooine part of the story drags a little, yew know?" said Gary, blinking in the harsh desert sunlight. "We were thinking of adding a scene where R2 fights Jawas with his internal blaster."

"R2 doesn't have an internal blaster." Elias noted.

"We were thinking of giving him one... in post-production," said Gary.

It oll became clear to Elias. They were planning to make a digitally animated R2, in a ridiculous fight scene with Jawas. And they hadn't even had the decency to tell him about it.

"I thought we agreed that we weren't going to use any animated characters in the film," said Elias.

"That's our preference, surely, and it's still the plan--for the overwhelming majority of the film," said Gary. "But Tom, at the studio, was thinking of adding a few minor, artistic touches."

"I see." Elias knew that the studio had final approval of the finished film. He also knew that all the raw footage they took was being relayed back to the studio every day, as per his contract. If the studio wanted to, it could produce a final version of the film without any involvement from Elias, once filming was complete.

"These additions, if we add them, will be very minor. You'll barely notice them," said Gary.

"I see," Elias said again. And he did. He walked away and went back to his producer's chair, in the shade, next to Nettie, who had changed into elegant white slacks.

For a long moment neither of them said anything. Then Nettie said, "So... they're already fucking with our film?"

"Yep," said Elias.

********

They finished filming the sequence where R2 and 3PO part ways, and are then captured by the Jawas. The next morning Nettie was getting the stormtroopers ready for the sequence where they search for the droids, when all of a sudden they heard a scream for help.

They looked out, just inside their encampment, and saw Angus Conrad, half in his 3PO outfit (the bottom half), surrounded by a group of Aborigines armed with spears. The Aborigines were grunting and yelling, and jabbing Angus forward. They had taken him prisoner.

"What the fuck?" said Elias. Aborigines were not usually hostile. Not usually. Now would be a good time to have some security. But security, which was plentiful at the studio, was non-existent here. They had never thought that they would need it, in the middle of nowhere.

It was Nettie who thought quickly and saved the day. She ran over to the extra playing the stormtrooper leader, signified by the orange patch on his right shoulder, and whispered into his helmet.

The stormtrooper leader yelled, "Men, with me!" and a squad of Imperial stormtroopers ran up to the aborigines who were trying to take Angus away.

"Yew there, halt!" said the stormtrooper leader, as he and his men pointed their blasters (which were props) at the aborigines. "Drop your weapons!" he barked.

The aborigines clearly didn't know English. And the uniforms of the stormtroopers must have puzzled them. But guns, they did know guns, and now they saw seven big, black guns pointed at them.

They took one look at the guns, and then at each other, and then let Angus go, and started to run away, screaming at the top of their lungs. Angus gratefully embraced his rescuers.

"Score one for the Empire," said Nettie, giving Elias a flirtatious look as he hugged her.

"You're a treasure, yew knauw that?" he said, pulling back.

"You're not paying me enough to be a treasure," she said, with just a hint of a smile.

********

Quentin took two days to film the scene where the wandering droids get taken, a scene that should have been shot in two hours. He kept saying that he wanted to get it from different angles, and different positions.

Meanwhile, he was spending a ton of money doing it. He had ordered half the crew out to Lake Darlot, more than twice the number Elias estimated they really needed. He had ordered a refrigerator and freezer truck hauled in at enormous expense, all to supply him with goodies like ice and cold food and even ice cream. He had ordered an entire outside team to cater for the crew. Elias had tried to show him that they were going over budget, but Quentin didn't want to hear about it.

"True art has no price. Trust me, when they see the final result, they won't care," said Quentin.

But Elias did think that Hearst Studios would care very much if they went over budget. He brought the matter up with the studio man, George Popadopolous, who nodded and agreed with him that it was a serious problem that the studio needed to look into at the earliest opportunity.

"In other words, he's going to do nothing," Nettie translated.

"Right," said Elias.

They were sitting in her air conditioned trailer one evening, waiting for the temperature outside to drop below 90. Nettie was wearing white shorts which showed off her fine tennis player's legs, and a tight white shirt which was almost sheer, showing off the cups of her ample bra. She lazily spread her legs. "Come here, boss. I want to show yew something."

Elias went over to her. She was holding a datapad showing the current rushes. She played some of them for him.

Quentin seemed to love unusual angles. He had filmed the droids from the top of dunes. And from the bottom of them. And from behind them. Almost every view, in fact, except right in front of them. When the replay was done, Nettie looked up at him.

For a moment, Elias considered what to say. Finally, he said, "He's trying to be artistic."

"He's not making an art house film," said Nettie, crossing and uncrossing her fine legs. At the age of 35, she still had fine ones, freshly shaved and smooth. "We can't use this," she declared, looking up at him with dark eyes.

"No, we can't," Elias admitted.

"I had Harry Walker put together a special undercover team. While the maestro is filming, Harry is also filming, normally, dead straight on, so oll this won't be for naught," said Nettie. Harry Walker was the Director of Cinematography. Technically, he shouldn't be filming on his own, but....

"Good," said Elias.

"But we can't afford to let him make the whole movie lyke this," said Nettie.

"What do yew want me to do? The studio hired him."

"It's not only that, Elias. We're on our second week of shooting, and we're already going over budget and losing the timeline," said Nettie.

"I know," said Elias.

Nettie reached behind him and rubbed his shoulders. "Be tough, boss," she whispered in his ear, as she rubbed him. "Be the fierce, artistic movie making man that I knauw yew can be."

Elias looked back at her, saw the hint of a smile, and smiled back at her.

********

All they needed were two more outdoor scenes. The scene where Luke and his Uncle Owen bought the droids, and the scene where Luke stared at the twin sunsets. Then they could pack it in, go home, and do everything else on standing sets which were in the finishing stages of being built at Hearst Studios.

But then there was a sandstorm the entire next day.

And then, the entire next day after that.

Nettie sat idly in Elias's trailer, painting her toenails. "It isn't often we get this kind of down time, Elias. How is Tasha doing?"

"Fine," said Elias, watching her smile at him as she painted her nails. Did everything have to be a flirtation with Nettie? "And how is Hal?"

"Fine... just lyke your Tasha," she said, still giving him that mysterious smile. Then she deepened her voice in a mocking way, to imitate her husband. "Ug! Me big investment banker! Make lots of money while woman away in desert."

Elias couldn't help but laugh.

"And how's Tasha... doing... what is it Tasha does again?"

"She teaches yoga, at the community center," said Elias. As Nettie well knew.

"Ah, yes," said Nettie, putting the finishing flourishes on the big toe of her left foot. "If only we could be there with her right now." She looked out the window, at the swirling sand. "How much longer?"

"Tomorrow," said Elias. "If it doesn't clear up tomorrow, we'll pack it in."

The next day, the weather seemed to clear, briefly, in late morning. They got the cameras set up as rapidly as they could. Elias had taken over, and was filming Luke and Uncle Owen besides the green wall which would, in post-production become the giant Jawas crawler.

Quentin yawned as he emerged from his trailer. His eyes widened when he saw what was going on. "What're yew doing?" he asked, when the scene had been shot.

"Filming," said Elias.

"Elias-"

"Look!" On the horizon, they could see another dust storm, closing fast.

They filmed. They didn't care if it was neat or orderly or perfect. This was Billy Bailey's first turn before the camera, and he was predictably dreadful. Elias didn't care. They could fix things in post-production or, if they had to, in retakes in the studio.

Elias raced to finish the scene where Billy was watching the imaginary twin suns setting. In the limited time he had observed him, Elias had concluded that Billy was no actor. He said his lines flat without any real depth. He even managed to ruin the scene where he was simply watching the sunset. Elias told him to have a kind of sad, longing expression on his face, but what he ended up with was a parody of that, a face of someone whose best friend had just died.

Elias watched the approaching dust storm. They didn't have much time. Nettie once again came to the rescue. She ran up to Billy and she physically started to mold his face with her hands. She moved his lips and cheeks and eyebrows. Then she said, "Hold it! Hold that expression! Don't yew dare change it!"

She walked backwards, keeping eye contact with him, making sure he didn't move a facial muscle. Then she yelled, "Roll it, E. M.!"

Elias got the shot.

********

On the long ride back to Perth, Elias made sure that Quentin was in his trailer, along with George Papadopolis. Elias showed both of them the footage, the weird camera angles, and the wild camera movements from the Tantive IV footage.

"Quentin, I appreciate your artistry, but I think this is going to be a little too distracting for the viewer," said Elias, as delicately as he could.

Not delicately enough.

"Yew just don't understand what I'm trying to do," said Quentin.

"You're right," said Elias. "And as the producer, I should."

Quentin didn't respond to that.

"We're also going over budget, and losing the timeline," said Elias.

"Yew worry too much," said Quentin.

Elias looked over at George Papadopolis, who gave him a weak smile and shrugged his shoulders. Obviously, Elias was on his own.

Century City

"It's never really explained why 3PO and R2 go in separate directions after they landed on Tattooine," said Alyssa Guttmacher, the Executive Producer for Diversity and Inclusion.

"I suppose you have leetle idea," said Vasily.

"Actually, I do. All we have to do is add a few lines saying that R2 felt the robot sex was too rough, and that his feelings weren't respected, and he's leaving 3PO because of it."

"Leetle robot angry over bad sex," said Vasily.

"Yes," said Alyssa.

Each time Alyssa interfered with the production, Vasily saw his chances of winning the star drive recede further and further. What would happen if the film didn't win? Hollywood was expected to win, by dint of its reputation as the film capitol of the planet. If he lost, it would reflect badly on him.

On the other hand, there was still an excellent chance the film could prove to be a winner. Vasily was wringing the absolute best performances out from the actors. He was sure that the other productions weren't. The Chinese production would be a farce. The Swedish production didn't even have a studio backing it. And the Australians--well, it wasn't even worth thinking about them.

Really, he would probably just win by default. So it didn't matter too much if he catered to Alyssa's whims.

But he still felt uneasy about it each time he caved in to her demands. He felt that each time he met one of her requests, she simply returned to demand something else. What would come next?

So they filmed the scene as Alyssa wanted it. R2-D2 could not say, of course, that 3PO's penis was too large for his socket; R2-D2 could not even speak. So the dialog had to be scripted like this:

R2: "Beep beep bloop!"

3PO: "What do you mean, my interface probe was too large for your access port?"

R2: "Beep Beep squeal!"

3PO: "It's your own fault. You're the one who needs more lubricant, not me."

The crew winced as Walter Murray was made to read these lines. But they were all powerless to intervene, most of all Vasily Korotich, the man theoretically in charge.

Vasily was right about Alyssa taking as much control as she could. After getting her way with the droid scene, Alyssa wanted some lines added about the Jawas.

"What about Jawas?" Vasily sighed.

"In the original film they are portrayed negatively, as junk dealers," said Alyssa, wrinkling her nose. "In reality, they are the most environmentally conscious species on the planet. They recycle, which is good for the ecology and good for the planet. You should have some dialogue about that."

"How? Jawas cannot speak!"

So in the end, they filmed scenes of two Jawas "talking" to each other. The sounds they make were hisses and whispers that couldn't be understood, but subtitles would be added in post-production which read:

Jawa 1: "It is really good we have found more droids to recycle."

Jawa 2: "Yes. Recycling is very good. It helps keep the planet clean."

Jawa 1: "I respect the environment so much, don't you?"

Jawa 2: "Definitely, my virtuous same-sex friend."

Vasily winced even has he ordered the subtitles to be created. He kept telling himself that despite its increasing number of flaws, the film was sure to win the star drive. Just wait until his hand-picked actors appeared. They would win not just the star drive, but the Global Film Awards.

Shanghai

Johnny was finally getting his first chance to act on the film. Only, he wasn't playing Luke Skywalker.

It was common in Chinese film adaptations for actors to play more than one character. For the moment, Johnny was dressed as the C-3PO robotic computer device. Only, the costume didn't entirely make him look like a robot. It was actually a gold spandex outfit that allowed him to freely move his arms and legs with much greater flexibility than the robot in the original film ever could. Pieces of metal had been grafted on to parts of his arms and legs, but it was easy to see that 3PO was a man in a spandex suit wearing metal pieces, as opposed to a more robot-looking robot. But audiences would not care, Bo Yibo assured him, because the quality of the martial arts would be so good.

Johnny walked on the set with the little robot named R2.

"It is so good that we have left the little ship where so many soldiers were firing loud weapons!" said Johnny, so excited to say his first lines of dialog. "Now we are on this place of sand, who is to know what will happen next?"

And then the Jawas appeared. They were actually midget martial arts experts, very expensive to hire, but Bo Yibo spared no expense.

"Oh, look, R2, mysterious hooded people! Hello, little friends! Can you direct us to the nearest business establishment or residential work unit?" Johnny asked.

"No," said the lead Jawa. "We are here to capture you."

"You want to capture us? This is something that we will not be allowing!" said Johnny, putting defiance in his voice. He was acting now! And loving it.

"Then we must fight!" said the Jawa.

"Then we must fight!" Johnny repeated. R2 whistled his agreement.

The midgets started to battle Johnny using Kung Fu. His gold legs thrust out, giving massive robotic karate kicks, sending Jawas flying through the air. But there were too many of them, and soon they were overwhelmed and captured.

"Cut!" cried Bo Yibo.

Johnny looked up anxiously at Bo Yibo.

Bo Yibo looked anxiously at Chiang Ching.

Chiang Ching looked bored.

Bo Yibo smiled and nodded at Johnny.

Johnny felt happy.

********

"Hello, what have we here?"

Bam Lu, one of the stuntmen, was watching the scene being filmed as a young woman came around with a tray of snacks. "Refreshments, sir," she said, her eyes looking downwards.

Bam Lu was more interested in the bearer of the refreshments than the refreshments themselves. She was pretty, with a slender, angular face, and plush lips uncommon in a Chinese woman. Plush lips often came with... Bam Lu looked down, and was pleased to see thick valleys created by her tight shirt.

Bam Lu raised her face to look at his. She had big eyes, like a white girl. "What is your name, pretty flower?" he asked.

"Soong. Soong Chingling," she whispered.

Bam Lu knew what Soong Chingling was. It was common for enterprises to have political prisoners laboring in support capacities. They worked for almost nothing and they were eager to serve... considering the alternative.

"I am Bam Lu. I am one of the most important stars of this film, Soong Chingling," he said.

She bowed. "It is an honor to serve you, sir."

Those were just the words Bam Lu wanted to hear. He smiled at her, "And so it is, sweet thing."

********

Johnny went back to his trailer to change out of his robot costume.

"Johnny, you were great," said Chew Mi, hugging him as soon as he stepped in the door.

"Thanks," said Johnny. He started to peel off his robot costume.

"Johnny, what is it?" she asked.

"Nothing," he said, peeling the metal stickers off his arms.

"Johnny," she said, taking him in her arms and looking into his eyes.

Johnny sighed. "It's just... it's starting out like all my other movies. I saw a few lines, and then we fight. I was hoping... to have more substantive dialog."

"Johnny, you're just starting! And you're playing the robot. Everyone knows the robot does not talk much. Just wait until you are playing Luke Skywalker! You will have enough acting lines to talk for hours and hours," said Chew Mi.

"You think so?" He said, lowering his head to hers.

"I know so," she said, kissing him.