What is a Slave without a Master? Ch. 12

As the Peregrine finally touched down within Tantalaigh Orbital, both women were silent for a long moment. Alex was daydreaming about the upcoming food, and Eta still sat deep within her own thoughts. Beneath them the landing pad gave a shudder as it began to pull the ship down into the hangers below.

"Okay, I'm fucking hungry," Alex finally announced. Standing up and grumbling at the appearance of gravity.

"I'm going to go track down dinner, and get my water and fuel topped up. Are you okay hanging out here?"

Eta nodded slowly.

"Would I be permitted to use your shower again Miss Alex?" she asked after a moment as she slowly rose to her feet.

"Yeah of course. Go for it," Alex replied simply. "After the last two days, I could really use a drink. Did you say you drank booze?"

Eta blushed.

"Very rarely, but yes. If you intend to purchase some for me, please do not spend an extravagant amount."

"I just got paid, so I'm going to buy the stuff I like. And if you want some you can have some," Alex replied with a slight laugh before walking over and giving Eta another hug. As they embraced Alex spent a long moment trying to decide what to say regarding the Search and Rescue office. The two hadn't spoken a word about it on the trip back, but they had both heard what Tom said.

"Hey... " she began simply as they pulled apart. "After dinner... you just tell me... if or when you want to go."

Eta was silent for a long moment, not meeting Alex's gaze.

"Thank you, Miss," was all she could manage in the end.

"Be back eh-sap, try not to get too bored," Alex said gently after a moment before she turned reluctantly and headed for the boarding ladder: this time not bothering to change out of her flight suit before leaving the ship.

Once again Eta found herself alone. She walked quietly into the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror for a long moment, but her own reflection provided no more direction than her time rereading her diary. With a long sigh she dropped her gaze and peeled off her suit.

She took stock of her bruises before stepping into the shower, but they looked just as angry as they had the day before. And so as the hot water washed down over Eta's head she just stood and breathed for several minutes.

What did she want?

Did she really want to return to the Empire?

The only other path she saw felt so outlandish it might as well be a fairytale. A story dreamed up by a younger woman with stars in her eyes. And considering all the genuine positive things that had come from her time as a slave, was she really in a position to consider alternatives at all?

She took a small amount of soap and used it sparingly as she began to clean herself. Ignoring the slight twinges of pain as she tentatively scrubbed over her bruises.

Alex had been kind to her, kinder than she was used to anyone being. But surely Alex's kindness had a limit? Surely even a woman like her would balk at the image refusing to leave Eta's mind. Eta shook her head, eyes screwed shut as her hair flung water droplets across the glass walls. She pressed her thumb forcefully into her bruised hip, gasping in pain as she tried to use it to drive the other thoughts from her head. But then she froze. Her mind flooded with a crystal-clear image of Alex grabbing her wrist, yanking it away and staring so intently into Eta's eyes that she couldn't help but look away from the figment of her own imagination.

"Eta!" cried out imaginary Alex.

"I didn't let the pirates or the asteroids hurt you, so why the hell should I let you hurt yourself?" she demanded. Eta struggling for a long moment to even provide an answer.

"I.... was trying to not think..." was all she managed.

"Yeah, I know what you were trying not to think about," imaginary Alex replied as she rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. "But unless you're perfectly fine never getting it, you're going to have to think about it. And pretty fucking soon."

"I'm a slave," Eta whispered. "I don't deserve to get it."

"Do you not?" imaginary Alex asked simply. "Are you worth so little even to yourself you actually believe that?"

Tears slipped down Eta's face, being swept away by the water running over her skin.

"All you wanted was help managing. Was to hand over part of the burden," imaginary Alex said softly.

"Maybe at first you also needed to hand over yourself to the Empire get that, but do you still?"

"But I still need so much help. I'm not ready to go back to being on my own," Eta whispered.

"You don't have to be," imaginary Alex said simply. "I like to fly the ship, you like to keep the engine running. A small ship doesn't need two people doing each."

"I can't ask that of you!" Eta cried out.

"Why not? It's been nice having you around," imaginary Alex said with a shrug.

"No!" Eta growled, raising her head and staring down the imaginary woman.

"I've only known you a day and a half! And you're... you're not even her! I hope Alex has enjoyed having me around, but I don't know that!"

Imaginary Alex just smiled.

"Yes you do," she said simply.

"How can you be so sure?" Eta demanded.

"I'm sure because you're sure. For all her talk of not wanting to influence you, it's pretty obvious she likes you. You just don't want to admit it," imaginary Alex smirked.

"I don't know how she feels, so there's no admitting to be done!"

"Then how about we do a smaller one? Can you admit that you like being around her?"

Eta froze in confusion.

"Haven't I already done that?"

"You haven't let yourself."

"I've spent most our time traveling next to her on my knees! I think I know I like her!"

"You've admitted to yourself you want to be her slave. But you haven't admitted to yourself you want to be her friend."

"I am a slave, I don't have friends."

"But you want one now."

"And what if she doesn't want me in return?" Eta shot back.

"You're still not convinced? She hasn't exactly been subtle. She comforted you when you first woke up, even after you crawled into her ceiling like a literal scared cat. She said you're amazingly skilled. After the interdiction she sought you out to thank you and insisted on cleaning you up when she saw you hurt yourself."

Eta raised a hand, running her fingers over what remained of the small cut as imaginary Alex continued without breaking stride.

"She's letting you use her home. Last night you handed her an opportunity to be rid of you guilt free, and she refused to take it, and even gave you a fucking name! She let you sleep in her bed and held you during your nightmare. She said she likes it when you can say what's on your mind, and when you open up. She's fed you multiple times. Today she gave you an opportunity to use your skills to help people who desperately needed it and insisted on using her entire ship to protect you while you worked. And when that was all done she again came to thank you as well as trying to convince you to believe you deserved the thanks, which by the by... I know you liked. And then apparently she was singing your praises to a complete stranger to the point that stranger called you beloved. But most of all.... even after all of that... she's still willing to let you go back to the Empire, even though she thinks you're an idiot for wanting to."

"That doesn't mean she likes me. It could just be pity," Eta whispered bitterly.

"Did you not hear anything I just said!? Why are you minimizing what she's done for you?"

Eta felt like she had been slapped in the face. She stood stunned for a long moment. Water rolling off her shoulders.

"She's been enormously selfless towards me. I know that," she finally managed.

"I am not capable of thanking her enough for everything she's done, but that is still not the same as her liking me. She's gotten angry at me serval times too." Eta protested, desperately trying to find a reason not to give herself hope.

"She's never gotten angry at you. She's gotten angry at how you were treated, and how you view yourself. There's a difference," imaginary Alex stated softly.

"But... but.. I'm a mess, and she's not. She flies around the galaxy in full control of her own life, and I'm talking to an imaginary woman in the shower," Eta murmured, shoulders sinking.

"Messes don't fix derelict starships," imaginary Alex pointed out. "You're a human being who's been surviving using the only way she knows how. But maybe now there's a better way to survive? A way that gets you everything you want, but also gets rid of the.... less ideal parts of being a slave. You know, those things you conveniently didn't tell her about."

Eta slumped forward, leaning her forehead against the wall of the shower, eyes too heavy to open. She couldn't tell at this point if it was water or tears running down her cheeks. She felt imaginary Alex's arms wrap around her. The imaginary woman's head leaning on her shoulder. A hand grazed over her forearm.

"You should have told me about your bruises," imaginary Alex said softly. "I would have helped."

"I know you would have... I just... I just-"

A finger gently laid across her lips, silencing her.

"You know as well as I do that the excuses you're thinking of are bullshit," imaginary Alex stated.

"... I know...."

"Come on, say it."

"... I know my excuses are bullshit."

"Hey, you can swear after all. I'm proud of you," imaginary Alex giggled.

"So what do I do?" Eta finally asked, defeated.

"What do you want to do?"

"That is not helpful!" Eta cried out.

"Is it not? You already know exactly what you want. You also know exactly who to ask for it. The only thing you don't know is how to ask."

"But I'm so scared to ask. And I don't know what the answer would be," Eta whispered weakly.

"Eta, I saw how much confidence helping those miners gave you. You are brave enough to ask. And as for knowing the answer.... I think you can guess what it'll be well enough. I believe in you," imaginary Alex whispered, before Eta felt the gentle touch of lips brushing up against her own.

Her eyes snapped open but all she could see was the shower wall directly in from her nose. She pushed herself back with shaking hands until she was standing normally, trying to get her bearings. Hot water still pouring down on her head as she looked around in bewilderment, but she truly was alone.

"You were right... I am fucking crazy," she whispered to herself, swearing for only the second time in eight years.

She hastily finished washing her body and hair, before shutting off the shower. She wrapped herself in a towel before slowly stepping out into the corridor.

"Excuse me, Verity?" she asked nervously.

"Greetings Passenger," came the immediate response.

"Did you.... hear me say anything in the shower?"

"I did. But I apologize Passenger. I did not know what any of your questions meant."

"Verity, please clear COVAS memory from ....." Eta began, panic absolutely seizing her heart.

"Um.... how long was I in the shower?"

"You entered the shower thirty-eight minutes ago as of the start of this voice line."

"Verity, clear COVAS memory from the last hour!" Eta cried.

"Of course Passenger."