Even Therapists Struggle Ch. 01

PART 1

"... Mary, you have got to stop beating yourself up." My words were gentle as I watched tears quietly fall from Mary's eyes. She had been going through some challenges with her husband and their communication really needed a lot of work. But Mary had a tendency to take on all the responsibility for herself, and if I was being honest, if she and her husband kept on this path, there were seeds of abuse that might end up getting fertilized. So I was committed to helping them stave off those dangers as bets as I could from my position as Mary's psychotherapist. What they really needed to do was couple's therapy and I had some referrals for her.

I started again. "Mary, you're doing everything you can to try and get through to Kamal. But he's got to be willing to make some changes too. You can't force him to do that, but you can encourage him along the path if you can present the changes in a way that make sense to him."

"But how do I do that Dr. Joe?" Mary said between sniffles.

"Do you remember our conversation about Love Languages?" Mary nodded. "That's one way for you both to practice communicating in ways that are meaningful to each other. Trying to frame things according to each other's interests is another. But for more than that, I really do recommend that you get scheduled with a couple's therapist. You can try and go with one of the referrals I gave you, or find some on your own. However you do it, please do. Your marriage will thank you."

My intercom buzzed with Aisha, my administrative assistant, letting me know that the call I had been expecting was on the line. "I'm sorry Mary, but we have to stop for today. How are you?"

Mary grabbed another tissue to blot her face. "I'm fine, or I will be. I just get so upset with Kamal sometimes, and I'm scared of losing him."

"I know. That's why we're doing what we can on this end to help you fight for him. But you've got to get him to fight for the marriage from his side." I stood up and led Mary towards the door. "We'll talk more next week."

"Same time?" Mary asked with a small smile.

I nodded. "See you then."

Watching her leave, I felt a mixture of satisfaction and frustration. We were doing good work together, but I needed her to be a little less helpless and a little more assertive in addressing things with her husband. I shook my head as I waved at Aisha, letting her know that she could go for the day.

"Are you sure you don't need anything else Dr. Joe?" Aisha called as she looked up from her computer and started gathering her things.

"I'm fine, really. Just going to handle this call, finish up a couple of notes, then head home for another exciting night of Netflix and No Chill." I snorted at my humor and Aisha shook her head with a smile. She was constantly getting on my lack of a social life, and had invited me out with her husband a couple of times. That had been nice, but at the end of the day, I was still going home to an empty house. And for now, that was just the way I liked it.

With a final wave, I watched Aisha leave the office and lock the door, then I turned back into my office and went to my computer to join the video call. "Hey everybody," I said as my computer connected to the group. "Sorry I'm late."

"Hey Joe, good to see you tonight." Cameron waved at me through the camera and I waved back. Besides Cameron, I saw Alex, Eldrick, and Blaine. There had been a couple of other guys on the call in the past, but over the past couple of months, the four of us had formed the core. "How's everyone doing tonight?"

"Yo," Eldrick responded. "This week has been a rough one. These clients are wearing me out. I need to take a vacation soon. Any of you willing to cover a couple of my clients next month while I'm away? Or at least be a backup in case they need support?"

"Of course brother," Blaine said while Cameron and I nodded. "That's what we're here for." The rest of us checked in, sharing how we were doing with our clinical responsibilities, before shifting to talk about our personal lives... or the lack thereof. Blaine and Eldrick were married. Eldrick's wife was his world outside of work and he loved spending time with his two kids. Blaine's husband took good care of him, being the financial analyst and primary breadwinner, which allowed Blaine the luxury of working in the emotionally rewarding, but financially taxing, area of psychotherapy. Cameron and I were the single guys in the group, and while Cameron would occasionally share stories of some dates that he went on, he'd also expressed being tired of the dating scene. He wanted to settle down, but he wanted a break from the games. He was my kindred spirit on that one. No more games, at least not dating games.

Me? I also preferred to spend my evenings home alone away from the hustle and bustle of bars and lounges, relaxing and enjoying the peace and quiet after a long day. Plus, I had my own special way of winding down and I doubted that I would ever find someone to understand. Maybe if I was still in my twenties, I could find a non-judgmental and accepting partner. But I wasn't in my twenties anymore.

I shifted my attention back to the group conversation. "... So Michael and I are planning to renew our vows next summer and you guys all have to come," Blaine said. "It would mean the world to me and you guys are literally the closest friends I have nowadays, besides my sister."

"Send out a save the date," Cameron said with a nod. "You do that and you know we'll all do our damndest to make sure we're there."

Blaine smiled broadly at the reassurance. The conversation drifted from relationships and vacations to upcoming professional conferences before meandering into sports and comedy. That was usually a sign that we were winding down, and when I looked at the clock, I saw that we had been talking for over an hour. "Alright gentlemen," I said with an unexpected yawn. "It's been real, but it's time for me to shut it down. I'm still at the office and I want to get home before the magic wears off."

The guys laughed, catching my Cinderella reference and knowing my penchant for Disney movies. I smiled, but felt a little sad that I didn't think I could share my real reason for the reference. We all said our goodbyes and I gathered up my things and locked up my office. I walked to my BMW X5, scanning my surroundings for safety. I may have been a man, but I had learned early on the importance of situational awareness. I shuddered at the memory, checking the backseat of my car before allowing myself to fall into the driver's seat.

A couple moments later, I was on my way home listening to a neo-soul playlist and bopping to the beat as I hurried home. Once there, it only took a few moments for me to put my things down and start stripping off the trappings of the day. See, my relaxation routine involved changing clothes, just like anyone else. Only my choices weren't typical ones that men would choose. When I just wanted to relax, my tastes ran more towards panties, leggings, oversized t-shirts, and thick, fluffy socks.

Tonight, I had opted for a pair of black leggings with mesh up and and down the sides, a pink, oversized Barbie t-shirt, and some fluffy purple socks. Underneath the leggings was where I was pushing the limits by wearing a satin thong. I know wedgies are supposed to be uncomfortable, but I loved the feel of being held so close in front and feeling things pull in the back. And while I hadn't crossed the threshold yet, I still harbored fantasies of someone pulling them to the side as they explored my back door.

All this was why most of my dating relationships had failed. Most women didn't want to share being the sexy one. I mean, I knew I was never as sexy as they were, but most women wanted to be the only ones enjoying wearing bra and panties. And while I'd never really given thought to being with another man, I couldn't deny the fact that some of my fantasies were starting to include someone else as the man while I got to be the soft, sensual one, the one being held and protected.

I sighed as I picked up my phone from the counter where I'd left it and headed over to my sofa. I sat down, curling my legs under me in a decidedly feminine fashion, but also a position that was surprisingly comfortable. Remote in hand, I started scrolling through my Netflix and Amazon Prime watchlists to see who would be keeping me company tonight. Finally settling on The Fall Guy, I started the movie then got up to pour myself a glass of wine.

The movie had only been going on about ten minutes when my phone rang. The ringtone let me know it was someone I knew, so I didn't bother to check the caller ID when I answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey Joe, it's Cameron. Is this a bad time?"

"Nope, just sitting at home watching a movie. What's up?"

Cameron sighed. "I don't know man. I'm just tired of being alone and tired of all the games. I know we kind of talked about it with the fellas, but I wanted to commiserate a little more."

I chuckled. "I get it. So what is it you wanted to commiserate about?"

"I don't know," Cameron said in an exasperated tone. "I just wanted to talk." A pause hung over the conversation before Cameron asked, "what movie are you watching?"

"The Fall Guy. It looked pretty interesting and fun, and you know, I have to keep myself entertained."

"Oh yeah," Cameron chimed in. "I wanted to see that too."

"Do you want to start a watch party? We can watch it together apart?" I grinned at the play on words that was only funny to me.

"Yeah, that sounds great." I heard the sound of Cameron shutting off his car. "Let me just get situated and I'll let you know when we can start the movie."

"Okay. Talk to you soon." We hung up and I leaned back into the couch. I didn't mind waiting for Cameron to join. It was nice to have someone to talk with and hang out with from time to time. I mean, since we lived in the same general area, we'd gone to play tennis a couple of times and even had a few meals together. Sadly, he was my closest interpersonal relationship at the moment, and of our little group of friends, he was the one I was most comfortable talking to. But I still hadn't shared my private interests because I didn't want him or any of the others to judge me.

The train of thoughts was continuing to ride along when my phone rang again. It was Cameron and I imagined he'd finally gotten himself settled at home. "Hey," I said with a private smile. "You ready?"

"Just about..." I heard Cameron say while there was a simultaneous knock on my door. [Who on earth could that be? I'm not expecting anyone.]

"Hold on a sec. Someone is knocking on my door." I moved to the door and looked out the peephole. [Crap on a cracker! It's Cameron! What's he doing here? He can't see me like this...]

"Joe," Cameron called through the door. "I know you're there. Come on. I brought pizza and soda. We were talking and I figured why not just have the watch party together."

"Uhhh... uhhhh..." I stammered as I tried to figure out what to do. I didn't have time to change into my regular clothes, and my robe was all the way in my bathroom and I didn't think I could stall him that long. "Yeah, just a minute," I called back, mentally scrambling through my town house trying to figure out if I had any sort of cover. [Cover! That's it!] As quickly and quietly as I could, I raced over to the couch to grab the blanket laying there, wrapping it around myself and hoping that it covered enough to dissuade any questions.

With a deep breath, I opened the door. "Hey Cameron," I said as I stood back, allowing him entry. "This is a total surprise. I thought you were going home."

"I was," he said as he moved in and placed the pizza on the kitchen table. "But then I figured why not pop on by? I mean, movies are always more enjoyable with company and..." Cameron stopped talking long enough to really look at me and I knew that the blanket had not done everything I needed it to. "Umm, Joe. I... uh, damn. Sorry. I didn't mean to invade your privacy. I just didn't want to be alone for one more night. But now I'm here, and I feel like I invaded something and I'm not quite sure what to say or do because I've never been in a situation like this before and I'm just going to keep talking until you tell me to stop because..."

"Shut up Cam," I said with a shake of my head and a wry, forgiving smile. I took a deep breath, said a short prayer, then let the blanket fall to the floor. "Obviously, you've seen enough to make you question so you might as well see the whole thing. This is what I do when I'm home alone. This is what I couldn't share with you and the guys because I didn't know how you would judge me and I really didn't want to lose the few friends that I have."

"Lose us?" Cameron interrupted. "Why would you think you'd lose us?"

I gave him an incredulous look as I motioned to my outfit. "Come on, be serious. Not many guys want to be associated with a gender nonconforming guy, or a guy who likes to present as a girl."

"Is that what you want?" Cameron asked cautiously.

"What? Is what what I want?"

"Do you want to be a girl?" Cameron asked the question directly and honestly, with none of the judgment I'd been expecting.

I thought about my response for a minute. "Nooo," I said in a drawn out, contemplative fashion. "I mean, I don't really know. I've never dressed much beyond this, and never outside my home. I don't think I want to be a girl all the time, but I do like the feel of the clothes and when I wear them, I feel a sense of comfort and safety. Like I'm being held, only there's no one else there."

"Would you like to go out dressed en femme?" Cameron asked and I couldn't help but wonder where he was going with this conversation.

"I guess. I mean, I suppose that I would like to try it one day, but only if it were totally safe. And I don't think I could do it by myself. But since I don't have anyone, I don't think about going out. Home is where I'm safe and home is where I stay."

Cameron gave me an apprising look before he started to move closer. His movement startled me and I took a step back, and with every step forward he took, I took one back until my back hit the wall and there was nowhere left for me to go. And when I stopped, Cameron stopped, closer than he ever had before but still with respectful space between us.

"One," he held up one of his fingers. "I can't believe you withheld this from us... from me. You know we're all here to support each other no matter what. Sure, it may take some adjusting depending on how you present yourself, but you're still the same person underneath the clothes. And you would be even if you added hair and makeup to the mix. Two," he held up a second finger. "I would be honored and happy to take you out on a date however you're dressed, because you look really cute and sexy right now, if I'm being honest. And I can only imagine what you would look like more done up." He held up a third finger, "and three. Seeing you now, dressed in your comfy girl next door attire made me realize something. I like you. Like, I REALLY like you. I enjoy our conversations and I've enjoyed our get togethers and hangouts. I always felt like something else was there, or that something was missing, and now I think I know. It was this part of you. I don't consider myself gay, I've never been with another guy, but with you, I don't care about labels. I like YOU and I want to know ALL about YOU and whatever you want to share with me. And right now, I'd like to share some pizza, wine, and a movie with you. Is that alright?"

I stood there looking at him dumbfounded, mouth opening and closing like a fish as my brain shortcircuited and forgot how to form coherent words. Cameron's words overwhelmed me as he hit on so many different fears, anxieties, and fantasies and yet did so with such intense compassion and interest. I mean, none of my internal alarms were going off, and my heart ached as it pounded so loud in my chest that I was surprised Cameron couldn't hear it. Finally, I gave up trying to speak and just gave him a nod.

Cameron grinned and took my hand, led me over to my couch and had me sit down. I watched as he rummaged through my cabinets and found a couple of plates for the pizza, then another wine glass and bottle, bringing them all to my coffee table and setting them down. Satisfied, he served me, and I continued to be flabbergasted.

How was Cameron so comfortable with all this? Didn't he consider me less of a man for wanting to dress like a woman? And what was all that about liking me and wanting to share things with me? He said he wasn't gay, and neither was I, but all this talk of spending time together and going out sure made it seem like he wanted to date. And how did I feel about that? I had exclusively dated women up until this point, and my single status was a glaring reminder of how unsuccessful that had been. So what if I did try to date a man? Based on some of my fantasies, I wasn't particularly opposed to exploring sexual intimacy with someone who shared the same equipment. And there was no denying that my heart jumped a little at the possibility of being taken somewhere outside my house where i could be among other, real people. Even if it was just to experience it once or twice, was this really an opportunity I could afford to pass up?

I nibbled on my pizza as I watched Cameron out of the corner of my eye. He'd opted to sit next to me on the sofa, close enough that I couldn't help but be aware of his proximity, but far enough away that he wasn't encroaching on my personal space. But his arm was across the back of the couch like an open invitation for more closeness.

I wondered what it might feel like to snuggle up under someone rather than being the one snuggled under. I may have fantasized about it, but here I was being presented with an actual opportunity. (ITALICS: Nothing ventured, nothing gained) I thought to myself as I scooted closer to Cameron and leaned back, placing my back against his side. I felt Cameron inhale as our bodies touched, but I heard and felt Cameron's exhale a moment later as he let his arm fall from the couch and drape itself across my shoulders.

We sat like that for awhile. I wasn't sure what he was thinking, but I was too scared to move because, quite frankly, I didn't want to. I felt warm, and comfortable, and... protected. For the first time in my life, I felt comfortable in someone else's company, enjoying a sense of intimacy that I'd fantasized about and tried to create in past dates. But in hindsight, it all felt false and forced. This... this felt strangely natural and satisfying. I must have sighed because I felt Cameron shift.

"Is this okay?" Cameron asked, tension and anxiety filling his voice.

"Everything is... perfect," I said with a smile, taking his hand in mine and interlacing our fingers. I felt Cameron relax immediately and I hazarded a look up at him from under his arm. I was surprised to find him looking down at me with a warm smile. I was even more surprised when he took his other hand, the one I wasn't holding, and put it under my chin, lifting my lips up for a gentle kiss. My eyes went wide as he kissed me before my eyes fluttered closed and i melted into him even more.

The kissing went from a light and gentle kiss to something filled with more hunger and a desire for more. Forgetting my decorum, I crawled onto his lap, straddling him as I wrapped my arms around his head and kissed him like my life depended on it. Cameron was not one to be outdone as he used his tongue to probe my mouth and learn all the details of that part of me. I moaned as he continued to take the lead in kissing, and I gasped and moaned more when I felt him squeeze my ass and pull me closer to him.

Sitting on his lap as I was, I could feel him growing under me and my hips started grinding on him without a conscious decision. I couldn't even act as though I wasn't enjoying this because I could feel the precum starting to leave a wet spot in my panties. Cameron's hand slipped under my shirt and tweaked my nipples which made me moan in a decidedly feminine fashion, and which caused me to squirm in his lap even more.

Cameron broke the kiss but kept his face close to mine. "How far do you want this to go?"

I tried to regain some composure, which was hard given my position and the feelings that raged through me. "How far do YOU want things to go?" I asked, trying to buy some time.

Cameron leaned back a bit more to get a better look at my face, and in doing so, I got a good look at the smirk on his. "I'm ready to go as far as you want to."

I sighed as the heat that I'd been feeling started to cool. I leaned in and gave Cameron another kiss before leaning back and letting his hands hold me up. "I want to go all the way," I started, expecting Cameron to grin, but I was surprised when I saw concern and warmth in his eyes. I took a deep breath before continuing. "But I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. This is all so new, and don't get me wrong, I'm loving it more than I thought I ever could. But the thought of the things that come next scare me a little bit."

Cameron nodded slowly. "Believe it or not, I understand. And I respect your decision. It doesn't change the fact that I want to ravage you," he said with a devilish grin, "but I can wait. We'll take things slow and learn together, okay?" He booped me on the nose and made me giggle.

"Thank you," I said, rewarding him with a kiss. "So..." I wasn't sure what we were supposed to do next. I mean, if sex wasn't on the table, then what did we do with the rest of the night?

"So," Cameron said as he rubbed his hands over my back. "I think that for tonight, we finish the movie. Tomorrow, we'll see. But I want to spend the day with you. Are you down with that?"

I nodded, grinning and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. I didn't know what tomorrow would bring, but as I scooted off Cameron's lap, cuddling back under his arm and letting one hand lightly trace figures on his thigh, I knew that it was going to be exciting and I was really happy that I didn't have to go it alone.