Like Kind Exchange Pt. 02

Like Kind Exchange Part 2 of 3

Mark finally regained his own composure after explaining to Sandy how visions of her with another man not only haunted him but interfered with his dealing with the very fact of her infidelity. Horrified Sandy had thrown herself upon Marking clinging to him as if their love depended on it.

Mark unpeeled Sandy from him, letting her stay in his lap.

Sandy nervously searched his eyes. She'd hoped Mark could get past his anger, now she saw that wasn't his largest issue. It scared her to death.

Mark said, "Let's change the subject a little."

"Yes Mark. To what?"

"We have this time to wade through things, so let's wade."

Sandy nodded her head unsure of where Mark was taking them.

"Why did you see me on a ranch in your fantasy of my future?"

Sandy was non plussed, that wasn't a question she expected, "Not a desert ranch, more of a green Montana ranch."

"Are Montana ranches green?"

Sandy was caught short as neither of them had been to Montana. "T-They are in my mind. It was a green ranch in my mind."

Sandy's unsure response made him chuckle. That Mark could chuckle made her thank the heavens.

Sandy got serious. "A vast green ranch was the place I saw you fit. That or..." Sandy froze, "Oh wow," she murmured as an idea crystalized in her mind, "... the lake house."

She saw Mark's expression wipe clean in response. Her eyes opened wide at his display. "Oh no! I didn't think your desire was that strong. I was very aware that you wanted it and I pressed for this place instead. When the matter was decided you'd never said another word about it. Not once. I thought maybe it hadn't meant that much to you." Sandy's lungs felt like they'd gone dry. It was an odd unpleasant sensation.

Sandy was stunned by the ideas flooding in. She blurted, "Mark, all your desires revolved around your grandfather's lake house. How you wanted to live featured the lake house, didn't it? I never saw that before. How could I have missed that?" She puzzled until saying, "I must have seen it, because it shows up in my natural vision of you. I-I swapped upstate for Montana. Instead of roaming the woods between the lakes I put you on a ranch. I had you racing dirt bikes instead of boating."

Sandy was astounded. "Our problem existed long before I... cheated on you. You had lived the life you wanted summers growing up. You worked towards regaining and keeping that life. We were looking for a house when your grandfather passed. I wanted this house, and you wanted your grandfather's place on the lake. Instead of the lake house you took the money in your grandfather's will and let your brother have the house. You did that to finance the higher price of this larger older Victorian because you knew I loved it." Sandy nodded as if watching a movie unfold in her head. Her voice fell to a whisper, "I pushed for this house. At some point I must have seen a glimpse of how much you wanted the cottage on the water. Enough so that I moved my fantasy thoughts of you half a continent away to Montana to keep them safe. But I never addressed it with you directly."

Sandy's eyes went huge with recognition. She explained, "I was always scared of big bodies of water. I think I wanted to push that possibility away, instead I pushed your dream away without even addressing it.

"Dear Lord, Mark. I don't hate that house or the lake. I was scared to death of drowning as a small child. I don't know why, irrational fears are irrational, dammit. I was trying to evade an anxiety attack, not bury your dreams because I wanted my own." She shook her head. "My gosh that had to look selfish to you. How could you make that sacrifice and not even hold my feet to the fire?"

Her eyes grew huge again as the facts added up in her head, "I DO respect you. My huge failing wasn't some weird, twisted, thing that hides a growing disrespect. Mark, I was amazed at you in the woods and on the water. I went with you. Please remember I never argued, I didn't even tell you how frightened I was of the water because I was fine if I was with you.

"The prowess you showed around the lake showed me you were a natural outdoorsman. I was very impressed. To answer your question, I put you in Montana because that seemed like the big outdoors to me, and I swapped mountains for water because my mind still shies away from water. I swear I wasn't trying to separate you from the land you loved. Well, the water you loved... the lake you loved?" Sandy said trying to sound out the syntax. It seemed as hopeless as she did. "I'm tripping all over myself."

Sandy shook her head again worried at the conclusions Mark would make when he put the house decision and her infidelity together. "Oh wow, then I go and do what I did at the Christmas party. I-I wasn't looking to score. You're right if you're thinking I wouldn't have fallen for someone who wasn't really attractive to me. But I swear I wasn't trying to get a prize for myself. I was just so polluted I didn't have any discipline. No, it was more; in the seconds it took to decide, I didn't remember any attachment or vow. I just didn't remember them; I didn't purposely negate them. Lord knows, when I woke up, they were front and center, because they are my core, they are the most precious things in my life. I've been so angry and disgusted at myself since."

Sandy looked sickly as she peered directly into her husband's eyes, "But if you already think I denied your dream house to capture my own dream house, why wouldn't you believe I subverted you now to get what I wanted again? I hate to admit it, but the pieces fit when viewed from that angle. You must think I'm the most selfish bitch you ever met."

"The thought had crossed my mind."

Sandy winced, "Your next thoughts would be that I don't look out for you. And that I'm willing to hurt you to attain what I really want. Oh Mark, is that what you've been thinking?" Sandy felt the room begin to sway.

Mark was taking his time thinking over what his wife said. He wasn't trying to underscore her precarious position by not answering, only trying very hard to not become more overwhelmed himself.

Sandy fearing she'd struck a hidden nerve, delved into Mark's history with the lake house, "Hunting in the woods around the lake house was something you loved yet can't do where we are. Everyone has a firearm up there, where they're skittish about them here. The closest thing to sportsmen here are soccer coaches and tennis players. Your outside adventures on the lake have no parallel here. Relaxing on the lake isn't available to you here either. The closest water is a small stream meandering through the local park. Heck, that entire central park is small by your lake standards. Y-You don't really relax here, do you?"

Sandy's hand had reached up to her mouth as she thought it all through. An especially nasty thought made her head twitch sidewards in an abrupt tick. She couldn't believe what she was only now putting together, "Y-You watch what you say because you aren't in sync with the neighbors here. And the house requires so much maintenance you don't relax anyway because you're always working on it. You can walk for fifteen-minutes at the lake and be in true wilderness conditions. The raw acreage where you feel solitude just isn't here."

Agitated, Sandy's fingertips traced back and forth across her bottom lip as she uncovered more, "Maintenance. There's a point there." She practically put her finger in the air stating, "You've said working on a thing you care about is a joy because it's a labor of love. You want to do it to be part of what you love. Maintaining the lake house was a joy to you because it was the life you wanted to live. Maintaining this house is as fulfilling as taking the trash out: it's something you do, because if you don't, conditions will deteriorate further."

Sandy's hand left her lip to palm her forehead as she put more pieces together, "You're a wage salve to own this place, so you don't have time or money to pursue things you enjoy, nor can you let the maintenance slide. You're... chained to this place at work and at home." Sandy was horrified, especially as Mark hadn't corrected any of her conclusions.

Sandy stood woozy. Her lips parted in fear as her eyes gazed into his. "Oh Mark. I had no idea I'd done this to you, not this bad. I knew I'd saddled you with a neighborhood and lifestyle you didn't enjoy, I just didn't realize I'd also taken away the life you wanted. I'd noticed that you didn't enjoy working on this house like you did on your grandfather's place. I thought you liked working on nice real estate. I've never understood the considerable differences until now. I thought your situation was pressure related; that the fun was gone because you HAD to do things now instead of doing them because you wanted to. I also understood that we are mortgage and kid poor, though I hadn't understood the lifestyle you'd given up for those burdens. It's ghastly that I haven't seen any of that until now. You can't help but see the contrasts."

Suddenly Sandy stepped back as if she'd been slapped, "A-And now I've done something else to you, something even worse. And it's taken the lid off what you were already holding inside." She paused again, dismay becoming horror, "I'm so sorry Mark!"

She stopped reasoning the impact these things would have on her beloved husband, "But anger isn't your primary emotion: it's pain and disappointment; in me. Perhaps your choice of me, but definitely me. I was supposed to watch your back, how could I - of all people - do this to you?" She looked up as she followed out the chain. "How could I do this because... I was supposed to love you!"

She shrank back with her hand over her mouth, eyes swollen in terror.

Her hands dropped from her mouth to clutching her throat, "Oh Mark, I do love you. You must see that! Do you think that my love isn't strong enough? That it has holes in it? That's what you must be wrestling with. That's hideous!"

Sandy was clearly sorting through a great number of ideas now. She finally uttered, "How did I put us here?"

Mark felt some relief that Sandy took responsibility for their compromised conditions.

Stunned she took a hold of his forearm, "I was frightened of the water. But you made me comfortable going out on the lake with you. I was a good girlfriend, always there, always a companion. I looked out for you, and wanted to share what you loved. But your wife chose a way of life she never fully discussed with you." Her eyes twitched as if reading a report. "It's not just the house, or the time and money we must devote to it. I admit the people here are pretty priggish. While I don't agree with them completely, it must annoy you that I'm much closer to those beliefs than you'd like me to be. I love this house and that the neighborhood is a quiet and safe place to raise kids."

Sandy looked down, "You wanted adventure because that's how you were raised. Life just isn't safe, isn't that the point? It's not supposed to be or won't be. It's best to be trained on how to weather the bad times instead of ignoring that they're out there. That's your mantra. I've said it over and over while acting in ways you must think contrary. Y-You don't think this is a good place to raise children, do you? Oh Mark. What have I done?"

"Sandy, you were busy too; raising the kids and working when you could."

Sandy reproached herself, "Watching out for everything I loved, except for you. I thought I was doing well by you. I kept a good house, though much less so since the kids. But you've actually disliked this house, while I watched out for the neighbors, our lifestyle here, and the kids. And you're not on board with any of it. You'd have the kids doing vastly different things! Even if we say I neglected you to keep your house and family, you aren't on board with the specific house or how we've raised the kids. Just when I think it can't get worse, I remember that I've been unfaithful!"

Mark's head involuntarily ticked to the side. He answered, "Sandy, any disagreement in how you've raised the kids is nuance. You've done a fabulous job! I've taken them afield; I've trained them up. Perhaps not as much as I would have liked, but enough that the way of life I was given has been passed down."

"But not fully espoused."

"They've been exposed to enough to make their own choices."

Sandy noted the disappointment in his voice. She summed, "And they like way too much of this cozy suburban lifestyle for you." Sandy waved off his attempt to counter saying, "Mark, being honest when looking at it all, you should dump me as fast as you can. I thought I'd done a good job of being your wife and partner but now it looks like I've neglected those duties entirely. It looks like I stole your great girlfriend and saddled you with a nasty shrew of a wife!"

Mark sighed, "You're overwrought. That's the guilt talking. We're trying to cut our way through the thicket here, there will be patches where there isn't much light. But you know I love you."

"But Mark I have no credible way to say I love you back. How didn't I see any of this? Was I so focused on what I wanted, that simply because you never complained I didn't see you never warmed to life here?"

Mark wasn't sure how to answer Sandy on that count.

Sandy took a deep breath, "I didn't see it because I was scared of it. I don't normally shy away from problems, but I would because of my intense feelings for you. I wouldn't be able to bear causing you harm like that. So, I packed up all the romantic notions you engender, and I moved them in my mind to Montana." She shook her head. "You may have made a disastrous mistake choosing your mate, Mark. You don't make big mistakes. I can't tell you how crushing it will be if the biggest mistake you make in your entire life turns out to be me."

"I didn't say that Sandy."

Sandy passionately respeonded, "I didn't realize how much the lake meant to you. I LOVED this house; it was my dream house come true. I've said it before."

"I've taken great pride in helping you attain it, Sandy. That you loved it so much and thought so much of me for getting it for you was my reward."

"No, the price was too high. I didn't realize how high. I would've discussed it more, I would've! Surely, we could have come up with something better than your hardly being back at the lake for years and years." Sandy was blown away. "Mark, I thought we chose one house over a close option. I completely whiffed on you're giving up a dream house and way of life you identified with to... to become an indentured servant slaving away to keep your self-absorbed mistress happy."

Mark tried to redirect the conversation, "My brother has the lake house now and took it in directions I wouldn't."

"Because you want what you remember having. If we'd moved there, it wouldn't have changed," Sandy reasoned.

Mark tried again, "What I remember was a starting point for what I wanted. But my brother changed some of the spirit of the thing."

"Those are only cosmetic changes, Mark."

"Yes, in keeping with the wishes of its owner. I bought into what it was. Now, it's all become... something else."

Sandy felt dizzy again wondering if Mark thought his comment applied to his marriage as well. She probed, "Mark, your brother changed what you loved, just like I did. Parts of your life have been erased. I erased how you wanted to live, not just where you'd live. Now I've erased the image of the woman you gave all that up for, while changing her into a cheating tramp."

"Whoa, whoa. Stop right there," Mark had finally reached a line he wasn't willing to cross.

Sandy was trying hard not to completely lose her composure, "No, I won't! I thought I'd made a one-time mistake. But I-I've cheated you before: I knocked you out of your dream, I altered your self-image."

"No, I see myself the same way."

"But not living as you'd thought."

Mark relented, "Not living as I'd dreamed. But that's a big difference. Who gets to do that anyway?"

"I did - because of you! I just never understood the depth of your sacrifice procuring all that for me. It's unjust all on its own. It takes me down quite a few pegs as a spouse, doesn't it?" Sandy's self disgust grew.

"Sandy, you are my happiness."

"Happiness? You made my dream real by sacrificing your own. Now, on top of all that, I'm unfaithful. You'd think a man who did all that for his spouse could at least count on her fidelity. I've taken away even that lowly baseline. I can see you're as disappointed now as you were then about the fate of your grandfather's place. I've cut your heart out with this slutty stunt I've pulled."

"Sandy please."

"I can hardly imagine how you're living this life I've given you. You want to come home and smell the lake water, feel the pulse of the waves at the shoreline, hear the waves lap at the dock, but you traded them for a gal who cheats on you at a Christmas party. A Christmas party for heaven's sake! What a holiday gift: congratulations, it's a trull! You get a wonderful used woman. That's your thanks, a wife who can't hold her liquor or her legs together. One that goes out for one miserable night and ends up tearing up the sheets with some handsome..."

"STOP! Please God, Sandy, you're ripping me to shreds. You have a gift for making me see your words. Please don't make me see THAT picture!" Mark stood with his hands beside his head as if fending off pressure waves.

Sandy felt like slapping herself, "Oh Darling, I'm just so upset with myself. I'm horrified by what I've done. I've become a villain in my own eyes. To find that the scales of justice are more uneven than I thought, discovering that I've made you pay a price for loving me, and that my misdeeds didn't start last week but years ago, is devastating. I'm completely disgusted with myself."

"Please don't paint yourself as disgusting in my eyes. I don't want to see that!"

Sandy was shocked, "I-I thought you already did." After a second she concluded, "After everything I've done, you're still fighting for me. Oh Mark, I can't tell you how much I love you. Let me kiss you, Mark."

Sandy did, though Mark didn't respond emotionally, though he did on a physical level. Which was unexpected and wonderful. Although Mark seemed upset with his reaction.

Sensing she'd pushed her affection as far as she dared, Sandy got up to dry her face. She fixed her husband another drink too. This one larger. She knew they'd taken a deep dive. Now Mark needed something to cut the sting: pain was outweighing progress.

Sandy stood very close to Mark as she gave him the drink. He didn't move to allow her his lap, so she sat right up against his side.

She nuzzled his ear in a non-seductive comforting way, whispering to him, "I knew you wanted the lake house. I didn't understand how much. The way you've worked and the amount of money you've made, if we didn't have this old house, you could have had the lake house and made the changes you wanted, even with three kids. I have another confession: I was scared of raising kids on a lake. A nice suburban neighborhood seemed safer, if less genuine. Seeing through this new filter now, I'm wondering how much of a disservice I perpetrated on our kids by making that bastard choice."

Sandy sat back caressing his ear, alternately tracing a fingertip through his hair admitting, "I thought there was better hunting in the parks you traveled to anyway than at the lake. Yes, they were a farther drive. I didn't foresee the kids coming as rapidly as they did, so I didn't see expenses tightening to the point you wouldn't take your hunting trips. I didn't factor in the fishing at all, which you used to do from your own pier. I didn't understand the intrinsic value to you of that old lake house. I thought you could still have most of what you wanted, while we did the best for our kids living in suburbia. You dialed up your efforts to give me exactly what I always dreamed of: this old Victorian. It seems I chose my dream over you, while you chose me over yourself.

"Mark," Sandy said with great trepidation, "I've made no sacrifices to have you. You've given up most every dream you told me of before we got married. I established a life for us I knew would displease you to some degree." Sandy gave a rueful laugh, "At the time I was worried maybe you'd still want other women. They were practically your biggest hobby before I came along. I hoped to win you completely with a tranquil version of domestic bliss. I shouldn't have worried about my competition, I should have been concerned with your nature. I worried about your happiness once. Now I fear I've set fire to it all, like a sick self-fulfilling prophecy."

Sandy turned very glum, "It doesn't seem fair, but I must ask you. Which alternative would you choose? Hearing something that would hurt you like hell, although part of it might put you at ease. Or would you prefer to simply understand that your life won't change anyway?"

Mark was confused.

Sandy started over, "You have an adoring wife who truly doesn't want any other man, ever. Would you want to know the complete truth, or just deal with the points that torture you the most? Which way would make you most happy? I only want to make you happy."

Mark was happy that Sandy had finally run out of steam. He tried once more to reset the conversation, "Let me get this straight. You love me. You don't want to leave me. You don't want any other men nor, just for the record, women." He was reassured by the shock on her face and the wild shaking of her head. "You're not going anywhere, right?"

"Oh my God, no! My worry isn't getting something new; it's holding on to what I've endangered. I don't want you to throw me away. But it's hard to ask you for that knowing I don't deserve to be with you."

Sandy threw in another point before Mark could say a thing, "Our kids start leaving for college later this year, then they'll start their own lives. I know that freaks you out, so perhaps I'm freaked out a little bit too. I was worried about missing my kids and the passage of time. It's obvious now that you were worried with wasting so much of your life."

Mark didn't let Sandy see her direct hit. His time with his family was the best part of his life but since Sandy's confession he felt like he had little to show for the years. Not sure where his wife was going Mark didn't know how to respond.

Sandy picked up the slack, "I thought the empty nest would be a second chance for me to give you back a little of that life that you wanted to live. Now it looks like I've simply just used you. Nothing is further from the truth. I just want to be with you and to make you happy. I swear that's true."

Mark thought it over. Sandy was all over the place. The only way he could patch this quilt together was with more information. A classic case of what you need being the last thing that you want. "I think you should tell me more of the story."

She nodded explaining, "I don't have any ultimate answers for you, though I believe some of what I pass along will lessen your anxiety. Mark, the life I've lived with you is literally beyond anything I ever expected. The notion of getting more is absurd. I'm on cloud nine with you. I didn't have an itch. I didn't have a curiosity. I didn't wonder what else might be out there. I'd lightly sampled what life had to offer before I met you, so I knew I wasn't missing a thing. I didn't want something for myself. I didn't want to be selfish "for a change". None of the various excuses you hear women say trying to explain away their sins apply to me."

Mark didn't offer her much leeway despite her pleas, "Did you feel attracted to him?"

Sandy deflated. This was going to be cut and dried with no room for grey. She'd promised him the truth and knew she was guilty. Oh, how she wished she could go back in time and never drink so much! She answered solemnly, "Sure, I'm heterosexual. I imagine you've had attractions for women. The real problem was elsewhere. I didn't even realize I was getting drunk. I was having a good time; I was with friends I toil with at work. I'd gotten a great bonus. My superiors were happy with me. All was lightness and mirth. I wanted to keep on having a good time. Eventually most of my friends left and I realized I was pretty blitzed, although I still didn't think I was near the danger zone.

"As to the specifics. We, er, the guy and me don't work in the same department. He doesn't even work in my building, but I've worked with him before on larger projects, not alone, just as part of a larger team. I've known him almost since he joined the company. I don't know if it serves you to tell you who, so I'll do whatever you want on that. I'd caution that giving you details about him makes him more important than he is. He could've been any successful attractive guy with the buildup I'd had that night. It wasn't just the drink: I was a hero for a night, and heroes do no wrong.

"I wasn't emotionally attached to him or thankful for his help, that's not the point. I knew he was good at business, and that we worked well together. More precisely I'd worked with him enough to trust him. A girl can get in a lot of trouble when she's vulnerable. Look at the mess I'm in, I didn't get raped or ganged or kidnapped. But I've messed up our happy lives.

"It boils down to this: I got drunk. He helped me back to his room as I didn't have one. Which at the time only seemed like one more example of how we'd collaborated so well over the years. It progressed to his propositioning me. I have very, very, vague memories of ending up in his room. I don't remember, you know, making out or getting undressed. I'm sorry Mark, I remember rolling in the sheets. I remember some, um, advanced tactics... that I really enjoyed." Sandy stopped. She owed it to Mark to be honest, yet she knew how hurtful the details would be. She felt like absolute trash.

"Frankly, left my own devices, if I'd awakened in the room alone, I would've remembered those things as being with you from another time. They're all things we've done a bunch, nothing we find unusual. We, uh, the guy and me, didn't do anything memorable. It certainly wasn't as wild as when you and I are really on a mission.

"I woke up quickly discovering I was someplace I didn't remember going to or falling asleep in. That gets a girl's radar going. Then I realized what I'd probably been doing. Then I found the man I'd been doing it with was still there. It was absolute terror finding that it wasn't you.

"I stumbled to the bathroom to put a barrier between the man and me. For a while I convinced myself I'd had a bad dream and I was actually on vacation with you. Thinking more about things I remembered I was there at the holiday party. The rest fell into place. I wish it hadn't. How much detail do you want about what I do remember or what I pieced together?"

"Tell me what you pieced together."

"The worst or the best?"

"Give me a sample of the worst."

Her face made contortions as she wished she hadn't made the offer. "Are you sure?"

Mark nodded.

"It was horrible, you have to keep that in mind. When I feared I'd had sex, I started taking stock. I started looking for marks. Forgive me Mark, I wanted to see if I had been spanked, marked, bitten, or bruised."

Sandy's hands were shaking. She waited to see if she should continue. Mark looked grim but hadn't told her to stop. She hated this. "I had no marks."

"Did you think you might? I mean do you remember doing all those things?"

"Oh God in heaven Mark, I'm so sorry. I... I don't remember being spanked. I didn't think I'd been marked."

She hoped that was a way of putting it that didn't paint a picture for him. His face went sour, but he didn't blanche.

"First was to prove to myself that I'd had sex." Sandy took a big breath, "I get a certain sort of sore down there if I've had, er, vigorous sex. I don't remember doing anything especially wild, but I think vigorous would be the term. Ah, you and I often exceed vigorous. This didn't go beyond." She swallowed, "I ah, get kinda sore down there. Ah, in a certain way."

"How?"

"I'm not into pain but it's, damn me, it's a delicious sort of way."

"Were you sore that way?"

Sandy fought hard not to look away, "Yes Mark and, ah, my breasts were sore too, quite sore."

"Do they normally feel like that?"

"No, you know how to treat them." Sandy said quietly, "I remember thinking he must have really given them a working over. I was very happy when there were no bruises."

Sandy quickly changed the subject watching the tension creep across his face. "I was still hazy. My thoughts and memories were jumbled. If I'd had sex, it must have been with you. I remembered I was at the Christmas party. I was trying to remember when you'd come in. I couldn't. Then I remembered the guy. Slowly I remembered him asking me back to his room and I remembered what he meant. I remembered trying to figure out why I shouldn't accept his offer to go his room. Please don't misinterpret this, Mark. I was already happy, but I felt free. When I couldn't come up with a reason not to go; I went. I just screwed up. There's no hidden message. I am NOT longing to be free of you. I felt overwhelming relief when I was able to speak to you. I don't want to be alone in this, or any world, without you!

"I'd pretty much figured it all out. I opened the bathroom door leaving the light on so I could see to retreat back there quickly. There was a man lolled across the bed. My heart stopped; it wasn't you. I went back in the bathroom absolutely panicked. I saw my purse in the bathroom. Thankfully my phone was in it.

"I remember calling you. I was very upset because it was hours after I should've come home. I knew how worried you'd be. All I thought about now was you. How I hadn't called you, I was miserable over that. It was really only after I got off the phone that I walked back out and I stood at the foot of the bed and looked at the strange man and realized it was one of the men I worked with, and it really sunk in that I'd had sex with him.

"He was much more in control of himself than I was when I came out of the bathroom. He could tell how unhappy I was. He was terribly sorry, and I actually believed him.

"Oh, he told me he did kind of have a thing for me, so that might be why he stayed later at the party, but he promised me he didn't do it to seduce me. I don't think he was merely trying to save his skin, because he offered to be accountable to you. I truly don't think he was trying to avoid punishment. In fact, I think he was aware that while he had lived out one of his fantasies, that I obviously hated it so much that he'd burned down a pretty good friendship and hurt a person he'd admired."

Mark had gone eerily quiet and still.

Sandy rushed to explain, "I don't want you to think that I'm fond of him or would protect him from you. I won't. I'm going to do whatever you want to do. But he's not the problem: I am. Guys make offers all the time. They back off when you shut them down. The key is to let them know to not even ask. This guy never did before. I fear he took his shot because that night I seemed approachable. What you and I need to focus on is my need to restore your confidence in me. Anything else is taking our eyes off the prize and clouding the matter. If we need to take care of him or any other loose ends it can be after your verdict on me. I hope telling you the complete truth, even when it paints me as an ungrateful slut, let's you know I'm also telling the truth about how I feel about you."

Mark was still listening. But he still hadn't moved or made a sound.

"The call is yours, Mark. If you want to know his name or take any action against him, I'll be right there obediently at your beck and call. You've given me everything I ever wanted, all at your considerable expense. Now I've stolen your joy, peace of mind, and your confidence in me. I don't know exactly how to restore any of it. My most fervent desire is to give all of that back to you. I thought with the kids going to college soon we were approaching a time where we could give more things to you. We've lived it all my way so far, it was time for things to flow your way. I fear you won't see that or won't believe it now."

Mark set his shoulders, looking just as troubled as he had since the sordid affair began. He'd patiently listened and now he'd grant himself the time to sort through what his wife had said. Hating what he had to sort through, he would do it thoroughly, so he only had to do it once. This mess was bad enough without it haunting him throughout his future.

"Mark, you've been incredibly kind to me. You've let me stay in the house," Sandy's eyebrows flared at her the extent of his kindness, "You've let me stay in our bedroom, and even in our bed. But things are far from normal. You certainly aren't availing yourself of any wifely duties I owe you. I know you're aware I'd love to perform those duties. Where are we?"

Mark was clearly irritated at his predicament, "I have to deal with this. I'm trying."

Sandy was completely sympathetic, "I know, and I can't thank you enough. But I'm understandably worried. I need you to know that I'm very aware this is on me. I'm not trying to pressure you, just see where we are and tell you if there's anything I can do for you, that I'm eager to do so."

Marks lips puckered before he responded, "Sandy, our plights parallel each other's. You don't know your status with me because I sure as hell don't know my status with you. You don't know if I want to stay married to you, but you bedded another man and keep telling me it was your decision more than his. Forget our marriage, I have no idea where I stand with you." Mark held up his hand, "I don't want to hear any pledges of your fidelity right now. We're both confused about what to do because we never wanted any of this yet it happened anyway. I never expected it either."

Mark nodded to himself as he'd taken to doing, adding, "I'm overwhelmingly thankful that you weren't practicing leaving me."

Sandy's mouth fell open.

He continued, "Frankly I don't feel I've done anything wrong to make you want to leave. I, however, feel terribly wronged, even though I know you didn't mean to do it."

Sandy nodded looking sickly, "I've carelessly destroyed something very valuable to you, yet you still have to pay for it. You're wondering how I could be so flagrant with something you cared so deeply about. You aren't sure we have the same values now. Which is adding fuel to the fire because previously you were certain we did. Mark, you aren't alone there: I'm questioning myself. I did something my values don't allow. More confusing is my doing something I didn't want. I don't know how to explain that or how to guarantee it won't happen again, which is something you need to believe to stay in a marriage with me. We both believed in me before, but here we are."

Mark sighed, "Yeah, that sums it up. I guess I'm glad you understand." He looked at her pointedly, "If you didn't, you sure wouldn't be in our bedroom. Frankly, I shouldn't have to jack off. You do owe me that."

Sandy saw an opportunity she'd prayed for, "Please, I'll do whatever you want, right now!"

His shook his head, a portrait of misery, "I'm sorry, Sandy, I don't want to hurt you, but I can't touch you right now."

Sandy winced, "Because I'm dirty?"

She feared the anger that boiled up in him, though she knew he had to vent eventually.

While not yelling Mark's voice was demonstratively louder, "To tell the truth, yes, and because I can't trust you, or don't know if I can. That's your fault. I shouldn't have to pay for your infractions, and it pisses me off that I must. I didn't cheat, why do I have to pay these prices? I don't want to hurt your feelings because you're already feeling bad about yourself, but damn it, you did this to me, and I didn't deserve it, nor the lingering effects. I don't want to get another woman!"

Sandy's blood ran cold.

Mark's rant didn't help her one bit, "A woman can pick up a man in seconds if that's what she wants. But a man has to walk a very thin line. I can't just go get sex for sex's sake. I have responsibilities. You forgot yours and fucked around. Your affair isn't known so it hasn't cost you. But if I respond by soliciting a woman to relieve the pressure, or merely feel a woman's touch, I'll automatically be the bad guy. No one will give me a pass thinking it was a logical response to what you did because your misdeeds are hidden.

"And if I did something to prop myself up or give you a taste of what you've served me, and someone found out my kids will suffer! I've been pushed down in the mud and there's no reasonable way for me to get back up. Maybe my wife doesn't think I'm valuable enough to refrain from tasting some strange, but someone has to think about the kids. And dammit, that means there's no one in my corner: not even me. There's no one to block for me or cut me any slack. I just have to take whatever mud gets thrown in my face." Mark let his head hang. "It really sucks, Sandy."

It took everything Sandy had not to cry. She wanted to cry for him. "I want to help you, Mark. I want to be in your corner. You really can't feel that?"

"I guess I can," he was back to just being frustrated. "But look what you did. You went out and scored a younger more handsome guy. I'm not part of any sports leagues anymore. I'm dad bod central. Which I hate by the way. Although apparently not as much as you do." He paused as her heart stopped. "Does he make more than me?"

Sandy couldn't form words, only shake her head in the negative.

"Well, that's something," Mark spat.

Sandy feared she saw something much more though. "I can see where it looks like the night was a hoot for me: I go to a big party, with all my work friends, I get a bigger than expected bonus. I'm successful and well thought of. I know I'm good looking, probably especially so for having had three kids. Then a guy I think can do better comes on to me. Life was throwing me a party and you weren't there because you were taking on extra unfulfilling work so the rest of your family can continue to live a lifestyle you aren't enamored with. It's not a stretch for you to believe you were paying for the party where I forgot I was your wife.

"I also seem to like my life better than you like yours. You liked your job once, before it became a gun to your head, having to jump for every extra dollar you can, instead of concentrating on the job itself. Your job is our main income, our family relies on it. So, you're stuck. You'd have to have another job nailed down before quitting your current one, because of the kids and our family depending on the money you make. But you've absolutely zero time to put into a job search, little less choosing one to pursue and interviewing for it.

"Does that ring a bell compared to what you just said? It must seem like you spend all your time making money for the kids, me, and the house you don't like. When you aren't spending time making money to pay the mortgage and feed the college fund, you spend it maintaining the gingerbread on a house you aren't keen on to begin with.

"All the negatives double down on you. You can't just take your wife for a spin in the country or the bedroom. It probably eats at you to have your natural proclivities restricted to the bedroom, but the kids put a restriction on everything. You love them but they don't just require you to be responsible to a fault: they box you in, they come with restrictions -- on you! How is that fair? On the few times you get a breather there's no fun car, there's no time to get to the woods little less prowl them, and your wife is unavailable. You're stuck in a house you don't love, in a neighborhood you don't like, with neighbors that all love it here. Hell, half the women here would blanche if they knew you liked to hunt. You're a red-blooded man forced to live in an emasculated area.

"If this isn't the crux, I think it's a big part of it: you don't have options; you don't even have time to develop them. I'm talking right in our faces stuff here, this is no time for niceties, if you want a replacement wife now, one you could depend on, the process takes time and money to develop. You don't have either because the wife you relied on and fell in love with and has let you down so severely, has used up or earmarked your resources. Not only has she trapped you in this tepid environment, but now the stupid bitch cheats on you! You should be able to say, "fuck this," and be done but you're stuck having no easy way out.

"I can imagine you also think my cheating on you was cheating on the kids. You may feel you don't have a partner to watch out for the kids, and that somehow the burden on you has now become heavier. If you aren't asking, "Doesn't she value me?" and "Doesn't she see what I do for her?", you should.

"My failure must have put the idea in your head of finding a simple fuck buddy. After all, you shouldn't have to sign up for someone who isn't committed to you, which unfortunately appears to be the description of your wife. Except taking on a fuck buddy is like fucking all her other "buddies" from a disease standpoint. While the physical activity may relieve some frustration it would probably be replaced with more than offsetting worries. That's not fair either, but you don't even have the time to search out candidates. And dammit all, why should you have to rely on a friends-with-benes situation when you have a wife at home? One who's supposed to love you and protect you, not betray you!"

Mark looked like he'd had the stuffing beat out of him. He glanced at Sandy confused, "That was... comprehensive."

"And correct as far as how you're feeling. You must be thinking, "How could she understand all that and STILL do it to me?""

Mark nodded warily.

"Because I DIDN'T know all that! I just thought it through, but that doesn't help me because I should have seen all of that. Mark, I would never do all of that to you knowingly. What' makes me want to throw up for the millionth time is that I unknowingly did a lot of that to you."

"You've been throwing up?

"Yeah, at least I kept that from bothering everyone. I'm sorry Mark, I don't wish any of those things for you, not the least of them. Yet you're feeling all of them."

Mark sagged. Sandy became very quiet knowing she'd scored a big hit. She hoped she'd either crystallized his problem for him or shaken it loose.

Mark's voice was firm, "Sandy, you got yourself a piece on the side that didn't disgust you. You've mentioned his good looks several times. Perhaps you're disgusted by your own actions, but not your choice of partner. He was younger and that's a score for you. He's successful and that's a score too. He's well liked and popular, and he's free, like I used to be. That's a package that was very appealing to you... like I used to be."

"Whoa!" Sandy said silently as the conversation careened to a place completely unexpected.

Mark continued, "I'm sure he was fit and I'm getting flabby. From how you've avoided talking about his looks without being able to stop mentioning them, I figure he's better looking than I ever was and certainly easier on the eyes than I am presently. You made reference to being more attractive than you thought for being a mother of three. That's surely because of the caliber of man who chose you for his plaything."

Sandy wasn't sure how to clear this new hurdle. She wasn't sure where Mark was headed yet either.

"How would that tear you up if our places were reversed?" Mark fell silent for a moment, "Why do you always win? Why do I always get the pie in the face? I thought you were giving of yourself too, but all of this has shown me our relationship has been pretty damn lopsided."

Mark held up a hand asking for her to delay her response, "I love you. I believe you love me, but something was already out of whack for you to even consider replacing me for an evening. If you were satisfied with me, you would've shut down a suiter before they finished the proposition. You waited around until everyone else was gone before this guy made his move. In fact, from what you've said it sounds like you may have even given him a second chance to ask. From a guy's standpoint, you did everything to signal your availability short of dragging him back to your room. And that's just gutted me. I'm also wondering if you don't respect me precisely because you've gotten everything you ever wanted from me. What happens now that you've proven to yourself that you can replace me with a more desirable option? Maybe he doesn't make what I do now, but he's got options and mobility, where my best days seem to be behind me."

Sandy swore the room was moving. There was so much to unpack in what Mark had just said. She wanted to track one down, "And you don't think you have options anymore?"

"Sandy, you just pointed out I don't have the funds to say "screw you" to everyone who's holding me down or screwing me over. The larger reason I can't is because I still care about them whether they care back or not. Think about that, it's insidious."

Sandy feared her knees would buckle. "Mark, I love you!"

"Sure, but you fucked HIM. You fucked him for a long time, and you liked it. Don't' try to deny it, it's the unspoken truth that I can't stop hearing shouted in my ears. You had to check your entire body for marks. Your tits and ass hurt. "He really worked them over," you said. He might have spanked you, he definitely groped, bit, and mouthed, every bit of you. And I'm sure you did the same for him. This wasn't a quickie or drunken throw down, or something that happened to you; this took time and energy on your part! You enjoyed being with him enough to invest multiple moves, and that means you wanted to please him! Maybe I could do the same; find some woman to prove that I'm still desirable, but I'm not as good looking as you, and nobody wants an aging guy like me. I guess I'm just a wallet... and a patsy.

"I notice my deterioration, I used to be active. Even if I wanted to run these suburban streets, between my job and the commute I don't have the time. We live considerably closer to your job than mine. You haven't addressed that negative when listing your sins against me. I spend almost an hour more commuting every day than you do! You were fine letting me swallow a lot of bilge water moving here, honey."

Sandy reeled from the most recent revelation.

Mark didn't slow, "Considering everything you've pointed out and the items you still haven't noticed, it seems if someone was going to score a hottie on the side, it should have been me. Hell, you should've rented a hottie and double teamed me for a few of my birthdays out of plain sympathy, forget trying to balance the scales. Instead, you just let me work for you. While I was very aware of the disparity, I never resented it until now. I wasn't happy, but it was what my family needed. But having it all laid out for me this way, I sure resent it now."

When Sandy started to respond Mark ran over her like he was on rails, "There's a guy out there that you liked and respected and used to drool over. Now you've drooled on him. What you used to imagine you now know for a fact. You know he's good enough to make return engagements worthwhile."

Mark faltered then pushed on, "And he knows that about you! And he's out there free and happy because he scored you. How did he get you? He just asked... and you said yes! You've told me he basically didn't put in any effort. And he's skated without retribution because you wanted that for him. You protected him from me, but not me from him. He's out there and he knows how good you are, your taste, what you feel like, and how eager and earnest you can be to please. He knows exactly how well you can please a man. And all he has to do is lean back smiling to himself having another pull of his fucking designer pale ale lager or whatever damn thing passes for a man's drink now and remember how well you fucked him!"

Sandy reached for Mark, but he was too far away. She bowed her head stating, "And you're here paying my bills, especially expensive ones for loving me so much, when I don't seem to respect you."

Mark threw his arms up, "Oh man yeah, fucking bullseye. Damn straight! I've been fighting these conclusions. I'm not sure it was good to go here, Sandy. I guess that you can imagine my plight and state it to me honesty that you're still my best friend. But my wife doesn't respect me enough to look out for these things before the fact, and because of her I don't respect myself much either after the fact. I can't even do something low like my wife did, to get even. If I tried, would I only score some wretch, confirming my day is over? Should I do like life wants me to, submit and enjoy whatever scraps I get?" Mark was quiet for a moment before his summation, "I felt like I was capable of so much more to find myself here."

Sandy grimaced openly, "Y-You thought that when you were happy?"

"Yeah. Before this mess. At least I thought I had some great stuff then, like you."

"And you aren't happy now?

"No, that seems to be the only place where we are even."

"What do you mean?"

"You aren't happy now, either by being so disgusted by me that you have to cheat or by the guilt of having cheated and enjoyed it so much. I have bills and no time. I'm stressed to the max. But I love you so much, and all that bastard had to do was ask you to screw him, and you went right along."

Mark ran both hands over his scalp, "And you loved it." He repeated the motion with his hands. "I'd never do you that dirty." He looked at her with wild eyes, "I've searched for ways to make this something other than what it looks like. You can say you were drunk, even the doc says that makes sense. But damn it, how could you do that to me? Now I feel like I know that you aren't happy with me. You've proven you don't love me enough to protect what means most to me; not even yourself, which I love more than anything else.

"I loved you even when it meant a lesser life for me, all the restrictions, and the damned second rate of it all. But I had you and the kids, which more than offset my personal experience spent away from you guys. Now I feel like you KNOW you can do better than me because you have! I don't like this version of me either, but damn, this is the version of me that YOU made. Where do you get off making me into this, then being even less satisfied with the results than I am? How can you throw your dissatisfaction in my face like this?"

Sandy tried to temper her rising panic. "Baby, what do you want me to do? A lot of that just isn't so. I can NOT do better than you, and I'm petrified I'm losing you. He's nothing compared to you. He's a pretty face."

"And a good physique or he wouldn't have been able to keep up with you, little less please you for as long as I think you guys were at it. You haven't complained about his performance. You've tried very hard not to mention it. If it had been terrible, you would have led with that to play down the situation in my eyes. But you two "worked well together"; the sex was a win for you. Your fantastic ego validating night of successful "freedom" is a loss for me on every front, which seems the norm now."

Sandy was desperate, "Mark, the state I've put us in is terrible and I'll do anything you wish to fix it, but I need to know what to try. I'm scared to do anything on my own because that's exactly how we got here. Please direct me! I'm thankful you don't want me to leave and aren't angry enough to launch me into space. But I don't understand how you're putting the blame on yourself. I can't fix what I don't understand."

"Yeah," Mark added ominously. It was both a regret they didn't know what to do to escape their awful situation, and an indictment that Sandy didn't understand.

"I think you should be angry, Mark. I'd understand angry. I was careless with the most precious things in the world: your love and trust! But you should only be mad at me, not yourself. I drank so much I don't even know if the drinking unleashed something in me or if just being drunk and in a bedroom naturally made me think of you and I responded. I'd know how to apologize, how to make amends, if I knew my motivation, but I don't even remember that."

He said in a gravelly voice, "I think you responded to a body and face you found attractive."

"Then tragically I sold my self-respect and my husband's passion for me for a pretty face, but I never consciously thought I was making that sale. I hate to think I can be a slut for such low returns."

"You found him exciting and melted." Mark had softened but it had the dangerous tinge of defeat. Sandy couldn't afford to let Mark throw in the towel.

"You said my being with him was a win for me. I don't see it as a win."

"I'm glad you know better."

"My sole motivation is to fix this and to make you happy again. I see there's a lot more to fix than just my recent misadventure. I'm taking you at your word that you didn't resent me before, though now that I've done you wrong the dam has broken letting all the excrement it was holding back pour out."

Mark responded quietly, spent from his outburst, "That sounds as reasonable as anything has."

"It's bad all that was adding up, Mark. It's worse that I didn't know the extent of your unhappiness. It's good to release it, though not because I screwed us up, especially not because I fell. But..." she sighed, "It's good for me to know that resentment is there because I need to address it." Sandy brushed away a tear from wet eyes, "Right now, I'm feeling like I've been a curse, a pox, upon you. Right now, I'm feeling like I've fucked up your whole life and stolen away all your dreams. Right now, I feel like you would've been better off with another woman."

"And there it is Sandy. I love you and want to love you the way I used to: unreservedly, seeing you as my big win, as what made my life so happy and worthwhile. Except I do feel like you're stealing all my dreams now. Heaven help me, I feel like you're about ready to steel away with them completely."

"What do you mean?" Sandy had shifted from forlorn to concerned.

"You saw that you could do better than me, and you did it. Now that you've proven that to yourself when will you finish using me up and leave me? How many trysts before you realize you never have to settle by coming home to me and decide to trade up for good? That feels inevitable to me, I just don't know if you're going to try to take the kids or not."

Sandy started to respond with anger. Her brain jumped in telling her doing so would be relationship suicide. Another reason was Mark's tenor. He was fighting to love her completely again. All he'd done was reveal what he was fighting. This was the other side of the coin he was trying to defeat.

Mark spoke breaking her thoughts, "Maybe that's a stupid irrational fear, but damn it, we're much closer to that finish line than we are to being a happy couple again." He shrugged sadly, "That's how I see it." He pursed his lips. "Sandy, we have double trouble in a major area. Whereas I believe that's how you're thinking, I don't agree with it! I think I'm a good man and good catch. I don't like the life I'm living or my state of my fitness, but I think you're a damn fool to fuck over a man who practically worshipped you. Especially doing it with a man who will see you as little more than a fuck-toy, no matter how you delude yourself."

Sandy knew to let Mark roll. She needed to hear what he was feeling, and he needed to vent.

Mark rolled on, "Yes, you're attractive but I saw even more inner beauty in you. Yes, you're more attractive than I am. But attractive women are a dime a dozen, and many look pretty unappealing when you see what they're really made of. Sandy, you're making me see you in a new light that's much to your detriment. You say you don't know how to make our situation better and want me to tell you. I don't know what to tell you other than I never thought you would, and never wanted you to, make yourself look so... unappealing to me.

"While admitting it's unfair you say that in unfortunate circumstances like ours that the final judgement is mine. That may be true, but I can't tell you how to earn a positive judgement. You knew that rule long before your holiday party but still threw the rule away to have your fun."

Mark's head shook, "No, you created this mess and I'm stuck with it, even the horrible twisting of my own heart. It's on you to fix it, Sandy. Saying you want to, while shoveling all the work to get it done back onto me is a record you've worn out from years of overuse, that song won't play anymore. I want you to succeed. Except right now I can't think of what you can do to restore my faith in your fidelity after you employed such a devastating way to make me doubt it. I want to be happy again. Both my heart and mind are screaming at me "if she loves you, she'll figure out how to prove her devotion!" So Sandy, if you love me; prove it!"

Mark stood, turned, and left the room. Sandy was speechless and scared feeling like the dirtiest women on earth. Mark was devastated. He'd finally let her see his true state. She'd broken the best man she'd ever met. She cursed herself. For a long moment she wished she'd never met Mark and never had the kids so that she could never screw up their lives.

Then she came back to reality knowing she was in the fight of her life, thinking, 'No, my family is the greatest gift in my life. Even if he can never believe I love him, I must find a way to make Mark happy again!'