31 Days of September

A fictional coming of age into early adulthood story. All implied sexual references are intentionally limited to consenting adults at or beyond the age of 18.

"Withholding information to obscure the truth is the same thing as telling a lie."

Craig's story, from before present day

There is a first time for everything. First car. First date. First job. Well, at least today isn't my first day on this job. I find myself covered in sunscreen, under an umbrella that really isn't blocking much sun. It can't obstruct much, as I need a clear view of this pool to make sure these screaming kids don't drown in 3'(0.9M) of water.

"Did the sun overheat your watch again? You're 10 minutes late buster!"

I immediately blow my whistle for 5 seconds, and let out a deep yell "Addddaaaalllttt Swimmmmmmm." Jennifer is standing impatiently at the base of my station as the children reluctantly clear the pool. Her athletic friend Vanessa somewhat more patiently waits to take my place as relief in the lifeguard chair. A couple of wayward parents enter the water to cool off while the youth of Columbia, South Carolina funnel over to the snack bar, dripping off a fair amount of the pool water in the process.

How a fair skinned, pale kid like me ends up as a lifeguard in the sun while Jennifer got hired to work the snack and concession stand in the shade is a head scratcher. Her deep, golden tan would only lead you to conclude she works in the sun all day, or at least spends the majority of her summer outside. How we seemingly ended up as a couple by the end of the summer is an even bigger mystery to everyone, including me.

As far as firsts go, I've never actually had a girlfriend before. A late bloomer across the board, I guess. Blame my intrepid mother. She managed to give birth to me on August 31, never letting me forget how she carried me to term during one of the hottest summers of all time. Because she couldn't carry me a measly 12 more hours, my birthday at the end of August means I am absolutely the youngest in my grade. Anyone born on or after September 1 started school a full year later. I may be a rising senior this fall, but I won't turn 17 until almost the first day of school. This has me amongst the youngest of my peers. I was always the smallest in sports, the last kid picked, the most socially aloof, the latest to clear puberty, still riding the bus while most of my friends had cars. You get the point. Life isn't fair.

As I was saying, I never had a girlfriend before Jennifer. I never had the courage to ask anyone out, heck I never even could tell if a girl noticed me, much less liked me. It all happened naturally, we just hung out during our breaks together, and eventually shared lunches together at our summer job with the community pool. I started trading my shifts to try and work the same schedule as she did; to my surprise, she noticed and started doing the same. Halfway through summer, the coordinator making the schedule got tired of the constant trades and just put us on the same schedule perpetually. I never actually had to ask Jennifer out, but by the end of summer we were unmistakably a couple. If there was any doubt, the fact we arrived and left the pool together holding hands made it clear we had become an item.

Ironically, Jennifer's birthday of October 1 meant we were all of 31 days apart in age. It might as well have been an entire year. Despite living nearby and even attending the same school, we operated in entirely different social circles. Jennifer was a rising junior, which meant she had 2 years of high school remaining compared to my one. Different classes, different friends, different schedules. Jennifer is an athlete, track and field is her sport, and the school year was a blur of scheduled practices, competitions and activities. She is also at the opposite social spectrum as me, one of the oldest in her cohort of school classmates and friends. Girls just mature more quickly as it is, but this is only magnified when you are practically the oldest girl in your grade. Jennifer was among the first in her peer group to get a drivers license, to start dating, pretty much any major life milestone you can think of, it came easily and early to her.

Naturally, Jennifer dated before meeting me. I guess the details escaped me, clearly several of my friends somehow knew her history. It's not a stretch to imagine she was out of my league, especially considering her fast path to maturity and my acknowledged status as a late bloomer. I never heard any salacious details from her past relationships, most likely because maybe none actually existed. She was perpetually busy and didn't really have space for a full time boyfriend. But inevitably guys noticed her. She certainly wasn't lacking attention from any boys at Columbia High.

Once summer wound down we necessarily spent a lot less time together. I saw her at school and somehow we remained an exclusive couple. I got my first ever opportunity to attend the fall homecoming dance, and enjoyed showing off Jennifer to my friends. I think she relished having a senior for a boyfriend, although I wasn't the first upperclassman she had dated. She could have most any guy in the school, and I knew it. As fall turned to winter, the sports season relaxed and Jennifer and I were spending a lot more time alone together. Mostly alone, since we had to remain on our best behavior when visiting at home where parents or siblings could appear at any time. I was hoping we might be building up to something a bit more horizon stretching when winter turned to spring, and she was abruptly back into track and field. Suddenly our time together had become scarce again.

I was beginning to wonder if our puppy love wasn't necessarily built to last? I was applying to state university in the fall, and Jennifer had her entire senior year of high school still to come. What are the odds our relationship could survive a separation spanning her senior year and my transition to life as an independent college freshman? As life never quite unfolds as you think it will, my initial application to state U was deferred, then ultimately rejected. I was confident I would be on the right side of the 50% acceptance rate, until I was reminded that the coin flips in both directions. It would be at least a year or two of Columbia community college for me.

Jennifer's story, present day

I reach up to the cabinet as I complete the arduous task of unloading the dishwasher. My toddler daughter's sippy cup takes the place of a single wine glass off the shelf, which I fill generously for my husband Craig to finish off last night's bottle. The glass of Cabernet we shared the evening before will be my last for a while, as we celebrated the confirmation of our second pregnancy.

I have never been more in love with my husband Craig than today. He completes me, my soulmate, my confidant, my provider, my defender, my lover. I walk into our family room hoping the wine glass in my hand will help capture his attention away from his laptop and whatever he is working on.

"You'll never guess who I talked to today, honey."

"Not guessing Jenn. No time to play games."

"You remember my friend Vanessa Hawkins?"

"Vanessa... Hawkins? You mean Vanessa Collins?"

"LOL. She took the name Hawkins when she married her husband Neil. I think we were at their wedding, you probably haven't forgotten that."

"I haven't forgotten the hangover. So what's new with Vanessa?"

"Well, it's ironic you remember her maiden name as she might be taking it back. She and Neil are separated and it sounds as if they are on a path to divorce."

"You're making me feel old babe. Here we are processing the news of our second pregnancy, and you go and drop the first couple I am aware of where we attended the wedding and now they are getting a divorce. What's happening to us?"

"We are going to be fine because we are in love, and have always been destined to be together. I have a feeling there is a real story somewhere with Vanessa and Neil and I'm looking forward to the juicy details."

"She left you hanging? Eventually someone tells all."

"Eventually, Vanessa's going to tell all. I invited her to spend the weekend in our guest room next month for the 10 year reunion."

"She moved after the wedding. To California? She's still there?"

"Apparently she and Neil are both still there, but supposedly she's the one who's moved out. Not sure what that means but I guess we will find out when she visits."

"They have any kids?"

"No kids. You finished that glass of wine yet?"

"Jenn, I have a presentation to finish and it's getting late. I'm sorry."

I took the laptop out of Craig's hands, gently folding it shut and placing it on the coffee table. I made eye contact in a way he would unmistakably recognize what I wanted, then picked the laptop back up, cradled it in my arms and calmly walked away towards our bedroom.

"You can pick up your computer later after we finish."

Craig's story, from before present day (continued)

The news I was not accepted to State U was tempered a bit by the recognition that I would be graduating soon, and maybe another summer chasing Jennifer around the pool could be a real possibility. If I wasn't leaving home for college, maybe there was some chance we could keep dating, at least until she finished school. I was pretty sure Jennifer would be a shoo-in to university, maybe even on an athletic scholarship. I still didn't believe our relationship was anything long term, but was able to recognize once you're dating a girl so far out of your league, you don't give up casually.

Meanwhile, despite my historical identity as a late bloomer, I was really now coming into my own physically. Jennifer however was now 100% model worthy. Her golden summer tan combined with her track and field workouts left her physique a sight to behold. The summer after graduation turned out to be a carbon copy of the year before. We were just an effortless couple, and spent every available moment together. Summer passed in a flash, and before I knew it, we were celebrating my 18th birthday together. Soon she would be back in school and I would be navigating community college and hopefully a part time job. I was going to keep living at home for a while, but definitely wanted a path to independent living despite missing out on college life for now. There was even a building little fantasy that I would follow Jenn wherever she ended up going to university.

Due to our conflicting schedules, and Jennifer's frequent track competitions, we didn't see each other much but did connect over a weekend in early October to celebrate her 18th birthday. We were both adults, and still virgins, at least I was quite sure of my status as a virgin, not that it had escaped my notice that once I passed the age of consent with a smoking hot girlfriend I didn't really know what the hell I was waiting around as a virgin for.

Jennifer seemed to sense my growing frustrations in this regard. As fall once again turned to winter, we managed to find more and more time together, frequently alone. Nothing was off the menu anymore in terms of our intimacy, except for a full consummation in a penetrative sense. I let Jenn know I was ready, and didn't want to pressure her, but hoping she would signal when she was finally ready to go the distance together.

Unfortunately, sex in the biblical way was just never in the cards. Jennifer remained adamant she was saving herself for marriage, or at the very least, once she was sure she had found "the one". I sensed this as a clear rejection and statement that I was not going to be "the one", and ultimately the stress this acknowledgment placed on our relationship had us break up for a time. I was at first beside myself processing the breakup and then out of my mind realizing I may never get a girl as hot as Jennifer ever again. I was really falling in love with her and a sense of guilt took hold that we broke up over sex.

I figured Jenn would have a new boyfriend within a couple weeks of breaking up, even if only to spite me. Seemingly, not only did that not happen, but she apparently had similar reservations about separating. After a couple months apart, we were suddenly back together. While we still weren't going all the way... well, I felt like I tested my limits there already, we were now clearly exploring how far we could take intimacy without actual penetration. It was hard to pretend we didn't have some carnal knowledge of each other now, given how much experimentation had taken place. Somehow Jenn was satisfied that I was no longer pressuring her for full intercourse and I was increasingly satisfied with stretching every other possible intimate boundary together.

Jennifer's story, present day (continued)

"Ahhhhhhhh! Vanessa!!!"

"Oh my god Jennifer, you look a-maze-inggg"

Craig was still at work when the rideshare dropped Vanessa off for reunion weekend. I wasted no time catching up the details of her personal life.

"Girl, I can't believe you and Neil are separated. Honey, what happened?"

Vanessa stiffened her body posture, then confidently revealed "Neil asked me to leave. He was suspecting I was involved with another man. I guess he suspected correctly."

"Vanessa... oh my... wow. I am... so sorry."

"It's my fault." She smiled. "I mean, of course it's my fault. I had no business getting involved with a man from the office. A married man no less, whose wife apparently couldn't care less about her husband, or who he consorts with outside of marriage. I foolishly thought Neil would be equally forgiving, if he even cared at all. I guess I was wrong."

About that time Craig walked through the door. I tried to get some discrete time to brief him on what I learned. Between the whirlwind of dinner and a toddler daughter obsessed with being daddy's little girl, I didn't get an opportunity to share any context privately. In a hurried whisper as we cleared the dinner dishes I simply whispered "She cheated."

I immediately recognized by the change in Craig's posture that he was uncomfortable. I smiled at him reassuringly and stated "I just wanted you to know in case we could avoid an awkward conversation after Camryn's bedtime."

Later that evening, Craig and Vanessa shared a bottle of wine while I sipped a sparkling apple cider. It might as well have been my daughter's apple juice. Surprisingly, Vanessa did not hide from the elephant in the room.

"Craig, I shared earlier with Vanessa that Neil and I are separated, the genesis of which is my responsibility. While I remain deeply in love with my husband, I did unfortunately betray his trust in a way that may be irreparable, and stand ready to face the consequences if necessary."

Craig looked like a deer in the headlights. I tried to diffuse the awkwardness by reassuring Vanessa.

"Vanessa, I speak for Craig and I as a couple when I acknowledge how brave you are for taking responsibility for your actions. It saddens us to hear that your marriage may be... unrecoverable."

Craig spoke up and added tension to an already tense conversation. The alcohol might not have helped but did act as a bit of truth serum, to say the least.

"Vanessa, I will speak for myself when I say I mourn the news that your marriage is failing. I appreciate your acknowledgment that it was your behavior, apparently, that proved to be the determining factor in the failure. I am also feeling especially proud that Jennifer and I as a couple not only have managed to avoid similar temptations in our marriage, but so far can confidently profess to be the only true lovers either of us have ever experienced in our entire lives. I can't even begin to imagine what Neil must be going through right now processing your infidelity."

It was Vanessa's turn to look like a deer in the headlights. She shifted in her seat uncomfortably, for the first time all evening. Vanessa made eye contact with me, then the ground, then me again, and then a wry smile crossed her face. Almost as fast as the smile appeared, she seemed to regain her composure and her smile quickly faded.

Craig's eyes met mine, with what was at first a look of uncertainty, and then darting between my eyes and Vanessa's, eventually a look of despair. I remained nonchalant on the outside, but on the inside I was seething. At first, wishing I could be anyplace else but here, and eventually regretting my decision to invite Vanessa into our home at all. I quickly changed the subject to tomorrow night's high school reunion, but Craig remained a distant non-participant in the conversation from that moment forward. I feared I had a problem, a secret that I believed to be lost to history had somehow just been exposed.

Craig's story, from before present day (continued)

It was springtime in Jennifer's senior year. Members of her team had been invited to an elite all star track and field competition exclusively for high school juniors and seniors held at a world famous resort in Central Florida. I managed to get the long weekend off from work and skipped community college for a couple days to drive down and support her.

Naturally, I had a hotel room all to myself for the long weekend, prepaid and reserved in advance - a big expense for me. Jennifer and I managed to see each other Thursday night, and while our time together was brief, I offered her a room key and encouraged her to sneak out and make her way to my hotel anyway she could. She was here unchaperoned, as an 18 year old senior, she was really only bound by the rules of the competition and could travel as she pleases after hours, even if it was unsanctioned by the team. As her entire friend's cohort of senior athletes had also turned 18 by this time, the parent and teacher supervision was pretty lax across the board. It was mostly a party atmosphere that evening, and I was confident we would get some private time together. Unfortunately, I didn't see Jenn again that night.

Friday morning, my phone was ringing incessantly. My mother called to say my father had been rushed to Mercy Hospital with severe chest pains. As I was the oldest, and first born, she asked if I could return to Columbia ASAP to help care for my younger siblings while she was at my fathers bedside in intensive care. I didn't have much choice but to depart immediately. I didn't even get the chance to tell Jenn, and didn't think much about it in the heat of the moment. I wasn't even sure my father would still be alive by the time I could drive several hours home to Columbia.

I reserved and paid in advance for the hotel room, imagining the possibility that Jennifer and I would be able to spend our very first night together as a couple at some point over the weekend. Yes, while I envisioned the possibility we might be having sex, I also appreciated how my ambition to consummate our relationship completely had nearly destroyed us months before, and I didn't want to take any chances again. I thought about it a lot on the drive home, but ultimately came to peace with the recognition that Jennifer and I spending a night alone in my hotel room clearly wasn't meant to be. At least, not this weekend anyway.

Jennifer and I eventually connected over the phone early Saturday, I apologized for taking off without notice and reassured her my dad was now out of the woods and on the path to recovery. We agreed to see each other as soon as she returned to Columbia.

For whatever reason, our relationship seemed noticeably different after that weekend. At first, Jennifer seemed distant, almost reticent to be alone with me or intimate in any way. I felt like our relationship had taken an unexpected step back. After a couple weeks, Jennifer seemed to recover in the other direction. We were making plans to attend her senior prom together, and she had received news of her own acceptance to State U on a full athletic scholarship. I recognized that she had a chance to live her dream, and I would not stand in her way, although I was apprehensive about our relationship surviving her move to State U with me remaining in Columbia.

Much to my surprise, and decidedly out of character for Jennifer, she invited me to her parents house the weekend before prom. Her younger brother was in a soccer tournament in Charleston all day, meaning her parents were out of town with no chance of returning before late evening. Upon my arrival, in her hand was an unopened box of condoms. The sensual look in her eyes combined with the box of condoms left nothing to my imagination about what was happening next.

We made love together, including penetration for the very first time. It wasn't frantic, it was slow and passionate. As we had been intimate together before, I proceeded as if I knew exactly what I was doing. But quickly it was clear I had never gone this far before. Jennifer was patient and understanding. Admittedly, I lost control and came well ahead of her and after a small intermission, we replaced the condom and I was able to bring Jennifer to climax through penetration for our very first time. I was confident that I had not only officially lost my virginity, but that Jennifer was trying to tell me that somehow, she had silently decided that I was going to be "the one".

Jennifer's story, from before present day

I was feeling at the peak of my game, with respect to track and field. I wanted to go out on top, this was the last major competition before graduation, and I was leaving nothing on the field.

There is something to be said about young, athletic competitions. The whole scene oozes with hormones and sex appeal. There is also a lot of downtime at a track meet in between heats. It was during one of these downtimes that I noticed my friend Vanessa getting incredibly close to another teammate. The flirting was over the top. Someone suggested in jest that maybe they should get a room when it occurred to me, Craig already had a room.

Friday night Vanessa, her friend Caleb and Caleb's friend Ty came out with me to find Craig. We didn't find Craig, as his room was curiously abandoned. I had a key already and despite being confused and worried about where he might be, we came in and made ourselves at home. Caleb and Vanessa did not waste any time and began making out on the bed Craig hadn't already slept in. Eventually, I started to get uncomfortable and suggested to Ty that maybe it was time to offer Vanessa and Caleb some privacy.

Ty and I passed the time outside watching the sunset together in the evening Florida heat. I found out he was an 18 year old junior after being held back as a child. Admittedly, I was finding myself surprisingly attracted to Ty the more time we spent together. He was "my type"; Caucasian but with notably darker skin tones than Craig, seemingly from parents with Mediterranean or middle eastern influence. Whatever it was, he had the "it" factor and it was apparent he had similar interests in me if I wanted to take it any further.

The time passed quickly yet Vanessa and Caleb exited the room a full 2 hours after we did. It was seemingly obvious something sexual occurred between the young adult couple. Vanessa was blushing furiously, Caleb and Ty were exchanging fist bumps and communicating wordlessly about what just happened. I was baffled by the events of the evening and mostly now concerned Craig had seemingly disappeared into thin air.

I managed to speak with Craig early Saturday morning where he explained his father suffered a heart attack, and he had been summoned back to Columbia in a panic. Despite feeling overwhelmed by this news, I wanted to refocus on my competition. This feeling faded quickly after my first event. Vanessa and Caleb were making near total public displays of affection, and Ty was in a full course of unrestrained flirting after I revealed my declared boyfriend Craig had returned home early to South Carolina.

After the competition concluded for the day, Ty and I quietly returned together to the hotel room reserved for Craig. At first, I intended just a little fooling around, expecting it could stay mostly innocent. I was sexually aroused by the atmosphere of competition, in the middle of my menstrual cycle (which I was already tracking for athletic performance reasons) and a little miffed my boyfriend dropped me for the weekend on no notice, despite the honest circumstances. Ty was not exactly a gentleman, and very quickly removed all his clothes and encouraged me to follow along, with his assistance. My better judgment was screaming for me to leave the room immediately. Before I could respond, Ty unrolled a condom over his erection and was guiding me backwards onto the bed.

I would like to say I resisted, that Ty raped me, that I implored him to stop. I did none of these things. Eventually I lost all control, rolling Ty onto his back and riding him to full penetrative sex where I could control the penetration. I was extremely tight and in some discomfort to be sure, but it didn't stop me from ultimately climaxing although I am sure Ty himself already lost control minutes before.

Afterwards, I was overwhelmed with guilt and couldn't believe what just happened, such an incredible and unlikely series of events, and so out of character for me. My heart and my dreams for the future seemed in tatters on the sheets of the bed my boyfriend had paid for and slept in 2 nights before, that I just defiled with a man I hardly just met. We stepped out of the room together only to walk smack into a smirking Vanessa and Caleb, this time Ty delivering the fist bump and Caleb silently understanding exactly what just happened. Vanessa just blushed and then took the room key from my hand, saying "it's our turn now".

Vanessa's story, from present day

Life is nothing more than a series of choices, and I've made some rotten ones. Neil is a terrific husband and we enjoyed a great, if not a bit boring life together. The excitement of being pursued by another man overwhelmed me. I guess I took those feelings for granted before settling down in marriage and wanted to feel that again. But I didn't intend to throw away my marriage, and regret it now that I stand to lose my husband.

I needed to get out of California for a while. I didn't have much money so leaped at Jennifer's offer to have me stay for reunion weekend. I used miles and card points to pay for the flight otherwise I couldn't have even made that happen.

I didn't expect Craig to come down on me for being unfaithful to Neil. But the bigger surprise was his emphatic admonishment that he and Jennifer were always exclusive lovers. I mean they have been together since they were teenagers, but apparently I had knowledge about Jennifer's past that escaped him. I tried to play this off as best as I could, but I am a pretty rotten actress. I certainly didn't want to rat out my pregnant friend and upset her happy wife life, either. Jennifer played it way cool, and after Craig went to bed alone I offered her a hug, which saw Jennifer melt into a fit of tears culminating with a slap to my face. Pregnancy hormones? Kind of a bitch actually.

The reunion itself was all time. Just like high school everyone fell into their old social cliques like time had stood still. Only now, 10 years past graduation the scars of life are starting to appear. I was surprised to not be the only one in our friends group navigating a separation, however there were several never married seemingly puzzled how I could be processing the end of my marriage at the same time they had never even attempted their first marriage.

Jennifer was holding court with several of the ex-athlete crowd, plainly sober given her now obvious pregnancy. Craig was of course out of place as usual, his cohort graduating the year before he didn't really know too many of the alumni and almost none of the spouses. He was clinging to Jennifer when Ty approached our table. Sporting a huge smile, he offered hugs to me and Jennifer and seemingly knew exactly who Craig was.

"Craig, you are an incredibly lucky man, with a beautiful wife and family. I wanted to know if it would be ok if I asked Jennifer for a dance; I never quite had the courage to ask her to dance with me when we competed on the track team together."

Jennifer's eyes crossed, and then she smiled at Craig with a smile that didn't entirely reach her eyes. To my surprise, Craig was already pretty drunk and didn't hesitate to acknowledge Ty's request for a dance in the affirmative without even making eye contact with Jenn. Awkward.

Ty reached out to Jennifer's hand and led her to the dance floor. She seemed a bit surprised by how fast this happened and looked at me for reassurance. I just smiled and turned my focus to entertaining Craig. Maybe Jennifer can enjoy this dance, innocently reflect on times passed, and I can distract an increasingly drunk Craig in such a way he would hardly be bothered by the fact his wife was dancing with another man. A man Craig apparently didn't recognize also held the title of Jennifer's ex-lover.

One dance turned into two, and then three. Craig was increasingly annoyed by his wife's absence, and I could tell Jennifer and Ty were enjoying the dance floor. I certainly couldn't hear any conversation, but could only imagine what he might be discussing with her. She was smiling and had quite the satisfied look on her face, that I could tell for sure.

Craig's story, present day

I've always been a bit socially awkward, even as an adult. Something I never outgrew from childhood. This has always been one of the starkest differences between Jenn and I, she loves social outings and I knew when she mentioned attending the reunion with Vanessa there was no getting out of it. Frankly it would have been worse if I sent her alone, but awkward for me as these are mostly her friends and memories more than mine. I figured I could just get happy on alcohol with the knowledge my pregnant wife would be a capable and sober driver when the evening eventually concluded.

I didn't recognize the gentleman who approached confidently, with his hand outstretched telling me what a lucky man I was to have married Jennifer. Supposedly they were teammates on the track squad? He didn't seem threatening, I certainly wasn't planning on dancing and didn't object to having him entertain Jenn on the dance floor. I mean she clearly was married, together with her husband and obviously pregnant... so if he was looking for an easy hookup I assume he would have focused his time elsewhere.

By the third song I was quickly becoming uncomfortable. There was clearly a conversation happening on the dance floor I wasn't a party to. The fact a conversation was occurring didn't really upset me, but the look on Jennifer's face most certainly did. It was a look I had seen perhaps a thousand times before, but usually only in the privacy of our home. It was the way Jenn stared into my eyes when she wanted to initiate sex. It was never done with words, only actions, and as her lifelong partner I recognized the gaze instinctively. Trouble is, I had never seen her gaze this way at anyone but me for the duration of our marriage. A sinking feeling came over me that I didn't understand and couldn't fully accept in the moment. What kind of relationship might she have had with this man in high school? Did it predate our own? Why had I never remembered seeing or hearing about him before?

I looked over at Vanessa and she appeared very nervous, trying to distract me. Seemingly the longer I focused on Jenn the harder Vanessa tried to engage me in conversation. Eventually I decided now was the time to make a bathroom run and another trip to the bar. When I returned, Jenn and Vanessa were back holding court with the athlete clique, and Ty was seemingly nowhere to be found. After that moment, the evening was somehow lost for me and I became a bit of a social recluse while Vanessa and Jennifer attracted a progressively larger crowd around their table.

Jennifer's story, present day (continued)

I dodged the proverbial bullet last night with Vanessa. I wasn't about to take any chances at the reunion. Of course, I was entirely blindsided when Ty approached and didn't envision him addressing Craig for permission to ask me to dance. In classic form, Ty just took what he wanted and before I knew what was happening, we were hand in hand on the dance floor. Somehow I was as helpless in his presence tonight as I was over a decade before.

"Jennifer, I hope you know that our time together at the track meet was my very first true encounter with a woman. I had never gone all the way before, and can attest that you never forget your very first time with a partner. I never had the confidence to share that before, but seeing you here tonight I just wanted to let you know how much that experience meant to me. I've been with more than a dozen different women in the decade since our only time together, but that night ranks as perhaps the most special. I will never, ever forget you."

I was a little overwhelmed by Ty's confession and didn't feel comfortable reciprocating the same. But I became lost in his eyes much the way I was during our very first intimate encounter. The people, the music, the ambience, it was almost like time had stood still. For a brief moment on the dance floor, there was no Craig, no pregnancy, no motherhood or career. Just 2 innocent youth reliving the intensity of an opportunistic experience more than a decade earlier.

The rest of the evening was a blur, and it was well after midnight when I recognized a very intoxicated looking Craig sitting alone. I decided to call it a night and signaled to Vanessa we needed to make our graceful exit.

Craig's story, from before present day (continued)

After Jennifer and I made love for the first time, I wasn't really sure what would happen next. Would we just start being intimate routinely? Was this just carpe diem with her folks being out of town and having a safe place for intimacy, much like what we were supposed to have at the track competition? I wasn't sure.

Doubts seem to be removed on prom night a week later. A very enthusiastic Jennifer propositioned me for sex in the backseat of my car in between the prom and post prom after party. From that moment forward it pretty much happened any time we could find time and space alone. Which for the upcoming summer, wasn't especially often. Maybe another dozen or so intimate encounters.

Jennifer accepted the scholarship to State U and I reluctantly accepted we were going to be seeing a lot less of each other for a while. I never could have expected the call a month after leaving that Jenn had torn her ACL in practice. She was returning to Columbia for rehab after reconstructive surgery with her future track and field career in serious doubt. She recovered from the injury, but was not going to be competitive at the collegiate level anymore, hence the eventual loss of her athletic scholarship. Frustrated, lonely and out of place without me, her friends, or athletics Jennifer decided to enroll in Columbia community college. About a year passed, and against the wishes of both our parents, we rented an apartment of our own and moved in together for the first time. I moved out of my parents home, having never lived independently, and quickly realized Jennifer was the best roommate and life partner a guy could ever ask for. My status as her long term boyfriend and exclusive lover felt secure at this point.

It's as if Jenn had it figured out all along, even if I was just picking up the breadcrumbs she was leaving behind along the way. She knew we would be a couple from our first summer together, never really moved on after we tried breaking up and never entirely felt comfortable alone after we consummated our feelings for each other physically. I am convinced she dropped out of State U because she missed being with me. I know I missed her, emotionally and otherwise. The years together leading up to our engagement and marriage were the happiest of my life so far. Things only seemed to be getting better now that we had a daughter, and eventually our second child on the way.

Jennifer's story, present day (continued)

Craig was silent on the ride home from the reunion. I assumed it was just because he had so much to drink. With our babysitter paid, we all crashed into bed on arrival back home. Sadly, my time asleep was short as little Camryn was poking at my bedside as the first hints of sunlight were peeking through the blinds.

I made breakfast for Camryn and ultimately Vanessa, she was heading out to the airport for an 11AM flight back to California. Craig remained upstairs in bed asleep, I was tempted to wake him but thought better of it and decided to let him continue sleeping off the events of last night. As eventful and emotionally intense as the weekend had unfolded so far, I was ready to move on and leave the past behind where it belonged. I had no idea at the time the emotional intensity was barely getting started.

Craig finally appeared in the afternoon and was immediately commandeered by Camryn, the daddy's girl. To me, he still looked awful. He wasn't really communicating with me, which is unusual, and a little off putting. At first I chalked it up to the hangover, but eventually just began losing patience and getting annoyed over it, then at some point recognizing I might have a bigger problem on my hands. Any lingering doubt was removed when Craig swooped Camryn up from the dinner table for her nightly bed and bath routine. He hates doing this and almost always requests that I take the lead here. Clearly, he's avoiding something.

Craig did not return downstairs after Camryn went down for bed. I was girding myself for a fight; over what, I wasn't entirely sure. Clearly Vanessa's behavior Friday night spooked him and he's barely said a word to acknowledge me since midway through the reunion.

I decided to head to bed, it was going to be a long workweek and I needed to catch up on some sleep. Craig was in the bedroom and refusing eye contact with me. I didn't want the confrontation either, I have to admit. Craig and I really never fight. I certainly was in no mood to start one tonight. I changed into my pajamas in silence and came to bed. It didn't take long before I drifted off into a restless sleep.

I woke up around 2AM with an intense need to use the toilet. Something about a developing fetus resting on my bladder. It wasn't until returning to bed that I discovered it was empty. Descending the stairs, I find Craig sitting up on our couch, wide awake.

"Are you ready to talk about this?"

"Talk? Craig, it's 2AM. Let's talk tomorrow when we are both rested."

"Fine, get your rest. I'll be up and waiting right here when you are ready to talk." The edge in Craig's voice was eerily agitated and yet somehow lacking in emotion at the same time.

"I'm not going back to bed alone. I guess this conversation happens now. You want to start by explaining what's upset you? Clearly something at the reunion."

"It might just be better if you shared whatever secret you are hiding."

"This is ridiculous. There are no secrets to expose."

"Then you are going to have to explain the dance last night."

"Is that what this is about? Holy insecurity! Jesus Craig, he even asked for your permission, which you offered without a hint of hesitation!" I was showing an edge of confidence on the outside, but on the inside I was preparing to shit my pajamas.

"You gave him the look, Jennifer. You could maybe fool anyone else, but you're not fooling me on this one. I've seen it too many times, and know exactly what it means. I just never imagined you giving another man this look on the dance floor at the reunion."

"Honey, I have to believe you are seeing something that just isn't there."

"It's the look of lust, Jennifer. The look of lust for the man you're trying to sleep with. Or I can only speculate, perhaps a man you were already intimate with at some time in the past. Look me in the eye and tell me it isn't true."

I made eye contact with my husband to speak, and no words came out of my mouth. I wanted to keep fighting, to defend myself, to call Craig a bully. I wanted so badly to undo the visit from Vanessa. The dance with Ty and attendance at the reunion. The heart attack Craig's father suffered at the worst possible time over a decade before. I wanted it to be anybody's fault but mine. I drew a deep breath and said what in retrospect was probably the biggest word salad to ever sputter from my mouth.

"Craig, I've always loved you and I've never before lied to you. From this moment forward I will continue to be forever faithful to you and only you."

Craig looked a bit dumbfounded by my statement. I could see him processing it over and over. About a minute passed and a surreal look of calm spread over his face as he began nodding his head.

"Jennifer, I only have the courage to ask you this question one time. This man I met yesterday evening, Ty. Have you ever been intimate with Ty, either before or after our relationship began, in a way that would somehow make me uncomfortable?"

At that moment the tears began flowing down my face. I began sobbing uncontrollably. At some point I pulled myself together long enough to open my eyes and realize that Craig was gone.

Craig's story, present day (continued)

I pulled our car into the parking lot. It had been raining for the past 3 days, a sad metaphor of our lives for the previous three months. I got out of the car, leaving the umbrella that was indispensable earlier, behind. I came around to the passenger door to assist a now very pregnant Jennifer out of the car. We spent the morning together at the OBGYN; now, we locked hands to walk inside the unmarked suburban office building for a much more difficult appointment with our couples counselor.

Clearly, some of the hardest sessions were behind us. The ones where the counselor challenged us independently to fight to save our marriage. That we had our children and young family to fight for. That we loved and were still in love with each other. That we couldn't imagine ourselves living independently, or living together with a different partner, or witnessing our spouse living together with a new partner. If it couldn't be imagined, then it couldn't be done.

I somehow resisted litigating further exposure of Jennifer's apparent betrayal. At first the counselor was unsure, eventually she suggested we take some sessions individually to speak with us in confidence. Ultimately, she determined that Jennifer's secret was something that would continue to rot our marriage from the inside out and needed exposure to the light of day. She spent time and care to build Jenn's confidence to feel empowered in a safe space to share it with me, ultimately with us alone together or supported by the therapist in her office. Not surprisingly, Jennifer chose the latter option.

I was at first annoyed and later intimidated that whatever was at the root of her betrayal, the counselor knew the details before I did. I started to shut the counselor out and accused her of taking sides. She retorted with a "don't shoot the messenger" defense, and painted a dire picture for me if counseling failed. Costing me a perfectly salvageable marriage and family, potentially without even knowing definitively why. She was pretty convinced that once the details surfaced, it would be extremely painful for me, but ultimately I would accept and move on as opposed to any worse alternative. I guess I too wanted this badly to be the case.

Today's session was the day. There were three chairs in the room, Jennifer and I were facing each other with the counselor seated perpendicular in between us and a coffee table in the center space. Jennifer took a piece of paper from the counselor she had written in advance, and read it aloud to me as a formal prepared statement.

"Craig, I want to put the details of a past indiscretion behind us to positively move forward as a family and a loving couple. Please understand the decision to share these details is one of the most difficult of my life. I've had more than 10 years to process and accept what happened and recognize you will only be learning some details today for the very first time. I love you and will allow you as much time and space as you need to process and accept what I am about to share. I have tried to forgive myself for what took place and can only pray that our love and marriage is strong enough that you will be able to forgive me too.

You may recall a track and field tournament I competed in, not in Columbia but in Florida, before my school graduation. You were visiting in support of me, but were called away unexpectedly due to a family emergency. After your departure, Vanessa and I entertained some fellow athletes once the competition concluded. Ultimately, I found myself alone with Ty, the man you witnessed me dancing with at the reunion. For reasons I can't entirely comprehend or explain, I allowed myself to be seduced by Ty, and voluntarily participated in protected intercourse. This event occurred in the hotel room reserved by you, happened only once during the weekend in question, and never repeated again. I deeply regret my immature behavior, and hope in time you can accept this confession and forgive me. Craig, I love you so much."

I sat with my eyes closed the entire time Jennifer was speaking. Once it was silent, I closed my eyes tighter, not ready to make the inevitable eye contact with either my wife, or the counselor. When I finally opened my eyes, I could see the tears streaming down Jennifer's face. The counselor had an unsettled look about her, recognizing the gravity of the moment and perhaps questioning her judgement in proceeding this way.

"Why don't I offer you two some privacy to discuss what Jennifer shared. I will be back in 5 minutes to check on your progress." The counselor abruptly walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

I didn't hesitate to start talking, mostly because I had at least an inkling of what Jennifer was going to say before she read her statement; the details didn't as much matter although the revelation she slept with another guy in the hotel room I bought and paid for at least partially with hopes we might have shared the experience first cut pretty deep. All the same, it didn't really matter and I had to acknowledge either way it likely wasn't planned in advance and happened almost half a lifetime ago. "Jennifer, I intend to forgive you for the youthful indiscretion at the tournament. It's painful to recall these details, and what could have been that weekend for us as a couple. I am so sorry it didn't work out differently."

Jennifer gave me a look, almost in disbelief, then began crying obsessively. I recognized these likely as tears of relief, which only served to harden my posture and strengthen my resolve for my next statement. I stood up, walked around the table, and reached into my pocket to produce my car keys. Jennifer looked to stand up to meet me. I intercepted her at first, placing my arms on her shoulders to keep her seated, then eventually forcing the car keys into her hands.

"Jennifer, I said I intend to forgive you for falling prey to a youthful indiscretion. I didn't say I was ready to forgive you for letting me live a lie for the 10 years that followed. You led me to believe, intentionally, that we had always been exclusive with each other. For you, it was only me, and for me, there was only you. You know today that has always been true for me. I know today, this has never been true for you."

Jennifer's body was shaking physically, while she was shaking her head no. No, no this can't be happening.

"I need some time to process this. Take the car and return home when you are ready. You promised me time and space, and right now, I need it."

I calmly opened the door and found a startled counselor in the reception area. "Please take care of my pregnant wife, make sure she gets home safe, put her in a taxi or rideshare if you deem her unfit to drive, or take her home yourself. Right now, I need some space to process everything I just heard."

The counselor nodded in the affirmative and quickly looked to quarantine an increasingly despondent Jennifer. I exited the building and didn't stop walking for at least 2 miles. Eventually I managed to calm myself enough to order a rideshare to a friend's apartment, who in no small feat of irony was going through a divorce through no fault of his own.

The apartment was spartan. Mattresses on the floor in one bedroom, a tent with sleeping bag set up inside the second bedroom for his kindergarten age son to use 2 weekends a month. A tent indoors? Maybe it was to try and distract from the lack of furniture in the bedroom. There was only one clean towel in the whole residence. The refrigerator was full of takeout food containers and the trash appeared to not have been emptied for maybe a week. I was in no position to be critical. I fell asleep on the couch and other than showering and going to work, this became my home and life for the next several days.

I didn't hear at all from Jennifer for the first 24 hours. Beginning the second day, the text messages arrived nearly every hour on the hour. I wasn't responding. Beginning the third day, she began calling and leaving emotionally heart wrenching messages. She sounded increasingly desperate. By the 5th day, all communication abruptly ceased. For obvious reasons I found that unsettling.

Early the next morning my phone began ringing incessantly as soon as the do not disturb period expired. Eventually I recognized the number as my mother's, and reluctantly answered the phone.

"Damnit Craig, why haven't you answered this phone? I've been calling every 5 minutes since 3 o'clock this morning."

"I'm sorry mom, I hope there hasn't been another emergency." I don't really know why I am bringing my mother into this, none of this was really her fault, I long ago forgave her for the August 31 birthday faux pas. On second thought, couldn't she have just held me back a year all on her own? Damn you, Mom.

"Craig, Jennifer has gone into preterm labor. She's been taken to Mercy Hospital. Your argument with her is going to cost you the opportunity to miss witnessing the birth of your son, or worse."

I didn't hear anything else mom said as I hung up the phone, making my path to Mercy. 6 hours later Jennifer lay sleeping in her hospital bed, with me sitting upright next to her. Asleep in my arms was my 5 lb newborn son, who arrived a full month early. The doctor was extremely agitated with me, and indicated severe maternal stress was the culprit for the preterm birth. Obviously Jennifer indicated to her physician about our estrangement. For the health of my wife and my newborn son, I suddenly realized we needed to take a more responsible time out from this moment forward.

Epilogue

It took considerable effort and multiple years of counseling, but ultimately Craig and Jennifer fully reconciled. In no small part was this influenced by Craig's recognition he had no desire to be a single father, living in a shitty apartment with his newborn son or toddler daughter sleeping in a tent for a bed 2 weekends a month for the next 18 years. The experience with his friend really sobered him to the realities of living as a divorced father, at least in the beginning. He also realized how much he missed Jennifer, even though he didn't trust her entirely anymore and felt like she had ripped his heart out by intentionally misleading him for the entirety of their engagement and marriage, at the very least. Craig had not suspected any infidelity during his marriage, Jennifer was otherwise an incredible and attentive wife, and he struggled mightily with the counselors continued insistence that he picture her happily remarried to another man in the future should they ultimately divorce. It was a lengthy and difficult three year period of normalization, ultimately culminating with the birth of their third child, another daughter. Eventually, their happy family life returned and everyone moved on.

Vanessa and Neil never reconciled. Their increasingly bitter separation and divorce wasn't finalized until another 9 months after reunion weekend.