Awakening of Yoni (Vulva) Pt. 02

Chapter 2: The First Step into Awakening

The story so far (Recap)

A loving wife and mother, Anita experiences a subtle weariness sapping her existence. Uncertain of what to find, she goes to Shakti Ashram at the recommendation of her friend Priti. There, she encounters Rudra, a Tantrik guru whose simple presence and profound words awaken something that had long been quiet inside her. His words to her without judgment ignite buried areas of her spirit, making their initial encounter unlike anything she has ever known.

Now the story starts.

The rickshaw stopped a few meters away from the ashram entrance. Anita came out, holding her purse tightly against her chest.

She could feel the scent of neem trees lining the path ahead. She stopped near the carved stone archway, which was marked Shakti Ashram in Hindi.

The ashram did not look grand or very special. It was simple, with red-tiled roofs and thin clay walls that seemed to absorb the sun. Some women were in deep meditation, and some young guys were walking barefoot and calmly conversing.

But, she did not see anyone chanting, rubbing ashes on their bodies, or burning incense in the air.

"Everything seems so normal."

"Anita ji!"

Her thoughts broke with this voice.

It was a calm, quiet voice.

She spotted a woman with a serene face in a crisp white cotton sari.

"I am Sujata. Rudra ji's assistant."

It reminded her of a school teacher who was strict but also loving.

"Rudra ji is waiting for you."

Anita followed her through a shaded corridor.

During the walk, Sujata kept on asking general questions like the difficulty in locating the ashram and her family and yet skilfully moved into more personal questions like her married life, her fear, her desire, and her reason for coming here. Though she tried to skip some questions, and Sujata did not push her to do so, her personality made it impossible for her to lie about any question.

Now, they reached another small building and entered through the door.

Smiling, she said, "He's inside."

The scent of sandalwood was strong inside the room. Natural sunlight was pouring through tall windows. At the corner of the veranda, there was a tall tulsi plant.

And there near the window stood a man in white cotton--simple kurta, hair tied back, silver in beard: no tilak, garland, or trident, as she assumed.

His personality was looking impressive.

" Anita, welcome to Ashram."

he greeted her.

She can feel the depth in his voice. There is nothing guru-type in her personality.

He asked, "What brought you here?

Please tell me what you expect from me without being influenced by what Priti mentioned."

Adjusting her dupatta, she said, " Honestly speaking, even I don't know what brought me here?"

"That's a great start," he said, his tone between serious and patronizing.

"Most people come pretending that they've come to achieve something.

But, you came admitting you are not sure. I am impressed by your honesty."

She crossed her arms and said, "I'm not looking for some... magical enlightenment." Priti thinks I'm broken.

I think I'm just exhausted."

Rudra said, "You are not broken." You are only unheard, not even to yourself.

His words hit her like a soft blow, but she looked away.

"You have been taught to be a good daughter, wife, and mother but never good to yourself."

"How to be a lady for yourself. How to notice your hunger."

"These heavy dialogues cannot impress me. You cannot sustain my interest in returning unless you show me reality.

" Sustaining your interest is not my purpose."

Uneasiness on Anita's face was evident.

"Good! No need to believe in me. Just believe that you deserve to feel alive again."

She wanted to say something but restrained herself and let him speak more.

Then he gently said, "Priti must have warned you that we don't feel shame to openly discuss the topics that many people swept under the carpet, like Yoni. Yes, she told me that you are allergic to this word."

She said uneasily," Yes, it conveys shame and vulgarity. Even if needed to speak, it should be on whisper with guilt attached."

Rudra did not laugh and saw straight in her eyes.

"Your yoni is not just a part of your body. It is your memory, storyteller, and a mirror of yourself."

After a silence, he again said, "You have always been taught to lower your voice, but in our ashram, we expect you to roar with full strength, even if it starts with a whisper."

Although not expected, this word does not look so dirty for Anita.

He asked, "Do you know what yoni means?"

She kept silent.

"In Sanskrit, Yoni means womb, beginning, sacred passage.

Each scripture of Shakti talks of Yoni, a divine power of creation, which is the seat of actual creation."

Anita did not know how to respond. She is still silently listening to him.

He continued but in a low voice.

"Let us begin our session by first liberating ourselves from this shame. Of course, words have power, but it is we who give them this power. So before we begin, I want you to say it."

Her eyes widened." Say what?"

" Say Yoni. Just between you and me. Give it the respect it deserves"

She hesitated. Her lips parted and then closed and then apart once more.

"Yoni," she whispered.

"Louder," he said softly.

"Yoni, Once again. "

"Yoni"

She did not know what surprised her more, the sound of the word or the triumphant feeling of breaking free of this inhibition.

He continued, "We'll meet three times a week. The first few meetings will be one-to-one. Later, if you feel comfortable, you will join others."

She said, "Sujata madam told me that I have to obey some rules."

"After each session, you will be given simple tasks to practice at home."

"Yes, One crucial instruction is to keep away from any sexual contact with your husband or anybody else until we are done.

Confused, she said, "But why? I think the session is about exploring sexuality. Isn't this about intimacy?"

"Yes, exactly. Right now, sex is a mechanical habit in your life. You admitted it. It's autopilot, predictable. Most people are confused between intimacy and habit."

His tone was gentle; it was nevertheless forceful.

"When our pleasure becomes a form of pattern or habit, we forget its presence and stop getting pleasure out of that. We need to keep it out of that auto loop."

She is acknowledging by nodding her head.

"Remember, you are not sacrificing your pleasure but making better preparations to welcome it."

She nodded slowly.

He said, "Today, we begin our session not with talk but with silence."

"Inhale through your nose.

Deeply... now hold... and exhale.

Now, concentrate on your breath. It is coming in and coming out.

At first, the thought was racing. Slowly, everything was fading: her grocery list, diner preparation, her son's homework, and even the room had faded. What remains is her breaths and a strange feeling of floating stillness.

When she woke up ten minutes later, there was Rudra. His gaze met hers.

"Being a beginner, you did well. "

"She did not know what to say."

Rudra gave Anita a tiny, folded paper at leaving. Her fingers quivered a little when she took it. She cautiously opened it and read the notes written inside only after leaving the ashram.

"For the next session, you will not just listen to your body--you will answer that."

The statement awakened in her something profound, a blend of anxiety and exhilaration akin to a hidden invitation she wasn't sure she was prepared for but couldn't ignore.

After the First Meeting

Once back home, she followed her regular routine--folding laundry, preparing dinner, and doing the kids' homework. But something within her was different. Not only were her emotions spinning, but also something deep, warm, and strange--a restless stirring.

After returning from the ashram, Anita felt as though her skin was more alive, hungrier, and more sensitive. Everything sent little shivers through her body: the usual sensation of her dupatta slipping over her shoulder, the wet glide of water during her bath, and even the brush of chilly air across her thighs under her saree.

Routine life went on, but within her, a silent storm was gathering. Her physique wasn't the only thing that felt unusual. Rudra's words--calm, profound, without judgment--spoke to her as if she were a woman formed of flame and gentleness, not a duty-bound wife or just a weary mother. No one had ever talked to her like that before.

She remembered Rudra's voice, the way he had said "Yoni," and its sound still echoing in her mind.

Nobody had ever seen her like that before. Part of her felt vulnerable, even ashamed of how much she enjoyed it.

Part of her wanted to run back and hear him speak again--to feel that gentle strength drawing her toward herself.

But she soon reminded herself, "It's too early to say anything." This is only the start. Lying alone at night, she felt a gradual desire as she followed her collarbone.

Daring to touch herself without remorse, she let her fingers glide lower and closed her eyes. For the first time, she wasn't picturing someone else's hands. She was finding her own. She had woken up.