Bitches Gone Bible Pt. 11

Author's note: This chapter is the last. I hope you've enjoyed the story, and if you have, please don't feel shy about leaving a comment!

*

"Son of a bitch," exhaled Roxy. "Don't call him." She paused. "Wait, first, what did he say?"

Marco was one of the prime porn wranglers in Florida. The girls were contracted to him well before they discovered the Bible and all the traps the good book posed to pornstars who believed. When they left the industry, believing that anal penetration would condemn them to eternal hell, it was a contract with him that they broke. He professed to being left out of pocket, so when the girls saw the light and wanted to return, Marco was, at least initially, less than enthusiastic. The girls thought he was a total asshole, hence their initial reactions to his text. But their Onlyfans uploads had been incredibly successful since then, and Marco couldn't help but notice. He knew he could offer them stability, but the price was a slice of the pie.

Jenna opened the message and read it. 'Hey girls, great job on your Onlyfans recently. Call me some time soon, let's get lunch.'

"What a cunt," Roxy fumed.

"So condescending," Jenna agreed.

"Don't call him back," Roxy underlined. "At least, not just yet. I need a shower."

"Wait until after she's done in the bathroom," quipped Mosey, "but he'll have to speak up if she's wearing a towel."

Jenna cackled at yet another obvious Simpsons reference, clapping her hands together in delight.

Roxy rubbed her boyfriend's arm before jumping to her feet. "Hitting the shower. Don't wait up."

"Good idea," said Jenna, stepping towards the apartment's second bathroom.

The boys were left alone. The room reeked of sex, but lately, that wasn't so unusual.

"So," said Moses, trying to break the silence, "you're fucking random chicks in the ass now."

"Hey, wait," protested Kane, "you busted in her mouth first!"

Moses shook his head in disbelief. "So fucking weird that that happened. I mean, Cherry said she was into pussy, but..."

"I know," Kane nodded. "I thought the girls brought her back so the three of them could play together. Like, I was totally fine playing video games in my room all night. I was gonna stay out of their way, letting them get their lesbo freak on."

"And I was quite happy catching up on TV, so..."

"But I was always gonna see if I could take a sneak peek..."

"Yeah, me too."

"But I didn't think I'd end up as part of the action."

"Yeah, same," breathed Moses. "Me neither."

Kane emitted a low whistle. "Cherry's ass was tight as fuck, bro."

This was 100% completely nuts.

The boys talked about some upcoming NBA games for a few minutes before retiring for the night. Kane sat at his laptop, making some notes for his next comedy gig when Roxy came in. She had one towel wrapped around her hair and another wrapped around her torso. "Come on, babe, what's with the towels? Gimme a glimpse of those sweet naked pornstar titties."

Roxy threw both towels to the floor, and instantly, it was game on. She crash-tackled him to the floor.

Kane backtracked. "Fuck, I was only kidding, babe. Like, you know about the male refractory period, right? I busted like half an hour ago, so you gotta give a dude some time to..."

Roxy rammed her tongue into his mouth, not letting him complete his protest. "It was so hot watching you fuck her in the ass, boy. And then when you pulled out and you busted down her throat... like... that was so goddamn nasty."

"What do you mean?" asked a naïve Kane. "That happens all the time in porn."

"Yeah, but Cherry had been working all night, she would've been sweaty as hell, and who knows when she last took a dump..."

"Wait, are you telling me she... she maybe ate... fuck, no way."

Roxy chuckled. "I'm not a scientician, but maybe. And you weren't wearing a rubber. Either way, she didn't seem to mind. She'll live. The human stomach is a resilient thing."

"Fuck, that's so hot," Kane whispered.

She reached down and touched him. "Yeah, you're hard as fuck now, boy, aren't you?"

"Kink unlocked," he grinned. "I just remembered..."

"Hmm?" she teased.

"I remembered the story you told the first night we met... when you had a stomach flu... when you first learned how much you loved anal..."

"Yeah, boy, that's right." She stroked him languidly. "You wanna fuck me where my poop comes out?"

Kane felt her sweet breath on his face.

He got lost in her eyes.

He felt her expert fingertips caressing his cock.

Oh my fucking god.

His entire body twitched and flexed, and as a thick trail of liquid warmth cascaded across her knuckles, she knew she wouldn't get what she wanted. At least not right now. She kissed her boy on the cheek, and looking up at his laptop screen, she knew she'd interrupted something. "I'm going to bed. Don't stay up too late." Roxy licked her hand clean.

Instantly, Kane felt as though he'd let her down. He sat on the floor in the corner of his room wondering what the fuck just happened. Dating a pornstar is complicated.

He stood up and followed her. "Wait, babe..."

Roxy held her bedroom door open. She wasn't upset at all, she'd already gotten off a few times tonight, but she wanted to tease him a little, just to see what might happen. "Yeah?"

"Let me explain... I mean... let me explain... please... what happened just then..."

"It's totally OK, boy. I get it. You'd much rather fuck some random chick in the ass than your own girlfriend. It's cool. My handpussy got off, though, so there's that."

Kane scratched his head, unsure what to say.

"Was she good?"

"Uhhh..."

"Her ass. Was it good?"

Kane was speechless.

"Would you rather sleep with Cherry tonight? I've got her number, so..."

"Babe!" he exploded, a million thoughts shooting through his brain. "I'm so sorry! Like, it wasn't... I mean... you were the one who... like, you suggested... it was your idea... so, like why would you... I don't get it... like, what the fuck... I wasn't thinking about Cherry's ass just now... when I busted in your hand... I was thinking about you..."

Roxy wrapped her arms around his neck and nuzzled into him. "I know. I love you, boy. I'm just playing you."

Kane relaxed. He held her close. "You're such a fucking bitch."

"I know." She kissed his neck.

"I could've been working on my standup, you know. But instead, you're telling me filthy stories about ass to mouth that make me nut in your hand, and..."

"Maybe you just snagged another angle for your monologue."

"Maybe." Kane scratched his head. He wasn't sure. "I need to go take some notes. Like, before I forget stuff, that is."

Roxy ended their embrace. "I know. Go write your shit, and when you're done, come sleep with me. We don't have to fuck, I just like knowing you're with me."

Kane couldn't ever remember feeling so contented, so happy, so complete, in his entire life. He went back to his computer, and after an hour or so, he had a complete first draft of his next routine. After texting Martin at the Improv, saying he was good to go, he shut his laptop down, brushed his teeth, and climbed into Roxy's bed. He wanted to sleep, but right now, his brain was far too wired to slow down. He stared at the ceiling, but he kept getting new ideas for his routine. They began to stack up upon themselves inside his brain, and at this rate, he knew he'd never get to sleep. He switched his bed lamp on, and Roxy stirred. "What the fuck?" she mumbled. "I was asleep."

"Fuck, sorry, babe, like, I mean, I need to go to sleep too. I've got work in the morning." He reached for the writing pad and pen Roxy kept on her bedside table and started scribbling down some notes, hoping he could make sense of them in the morning.

"Work tomorrow, boy?"

Kane pulled the covers up. "Yeah."

Roxy rolled over. "No you don't, you idiot. Tomorrow's Saturday."

He turned his light off. Under the covers, his hand rested on Roxy's thigh. She didn't push him away; instead, she rolled her hips in his direction, granting him access. Kane's hand slowly crept closer to her pussy. He ran his fingertips up and down the length of her opening, and as he felt her getting warmer, he heard her sigh. He knew she wanted this. Kane sank one finger inside her, then a second, and he felt her hips beginning to grind against his wrist. Through the darkness, Kane could tell her eyes were closed. Her mind might've been a million miles away, but her pussy wasn't. His thumb teased her clit.

"Fuck, boy," she whispered, "that's so fucking good." Her body might've been half-asleep, but her cunt was wide awake.

Kane wanted to bury his face in her snatch, but something about the way she sighed and moaned told him his fingers were what she wanted. His hand teased her, tickled her and tantalised her, and he felt the mattress move as her hips rose and fell to meet the demands of her impending orgasm.

Kane felt her clit stiffen and thicken under his thumb. Her hips lifted up off the mattress as she came on his fingers, moaning softly.

She opened her eyes and saw the smallish tent her boyfriend had pitched in her bed. As her orgasm rolled softly over her, she felt the need to return the favour. She wanted to jerk him off. She wanted to make him cum.

In the darkness, Kane felt her hand reaching across. "What do we have here?" she whispered, and as he felt her fingernails tickling his nuts, he knew he wouldn't last very long.

Her expert fist wrapped around his shaft, and it only took her three or four quick tugs for him to bust. "Tomorrow, tell me all about the male refractory period." She kissed him on the cheek.

Sleep arrived fast.

*

The girls rose and headed to the café downstairs. They found a table and ordered coffees and pastries. The boys were still asleep. "Marco," said Jenna, getting down to business. Her arms were folded defiantly in front of her. Steam billowed from her morning brew.

"Yeah."

"I mean, there are other agents we could try."

"Yeah."

"He was good to us the first time around, though."

"Yeah."

"Before we quit on him, that is."

"Yeah."

"He said we dicked him around when we retired, but I don't really believe him that we cost him anything. Like, it's a business, and businesses have insurance."

"Yeah."

Jenna felt exasperated. "Babe, what the fuck?" she sighed. "Like, are you even listening to me?"

"Of course I am." Roxy bit into a croissant. "What's your fucking problem?"

Jenna's hands were on her hips. "You just keep saying 'yeah' whenever I say anything."

"It's a common expression of agreement," Roxy retorted.

Jenna sipped her coffee, thinking. "OK, so what do you think should we do?"

"I think we should meet with him. We know how he does business, and he's obviously been paying attention to our Onlyfans. At this point, I don't think he'd be reaching out to us to screw us over."

"Yeah," agreed Jenna. "And maybe he didn't screw us over by denying us last time, either. I can kind of see it from his perspective." She paused. "Maybe he needed to be sure we still had a reputation."

Roxy nodded. "Yeah. OK. Message him."

Ten minutes later, a meeting had been scheduled for Wednesday afternoon at Marco's office.

*

Marco was seated behind his mahogany desk when his big-titted secretary told him his next appointment had arrived.

The girls were ushered into his office. Jenna wore a tight top that showcased her massive breasts, with a denim jacket slung over her shoulders. She wore a short skirt, black stockings, and a sexy pair of boots. Her blonde hair cascaded down her back. Roxy wore a t-shirt, a pair of tight denim shorts, and a casual pair of sneakers. No socks.

Marco stood and walked to the centre of the room to greet them. Handshakes were appropriate. "Good to see you both!" he said. "How've you both been?"

"Well, I guess," said Jenna. "Thanks for texting us the other night."

"The fact you replied tells me you still wanna do this. Am I right about that?"

"You mean, do we wanna do porn again?" Roxy clarified.

"Yeah," said Marco. "That's what I mean. Though these days, I prefer the term 'adult entertainment'."

"Absolutely," replied Jenna. "That's what we want to do. Adult entertainment."

Marco nodded, satisfied. He returned to his desk and offered the girls a seat. He fingered a thick Cuban cigar, illegal in these parts. "Mind if I smoke?"

The girls would've preferred he didn't. "No problem," said Roxy. A pall of thick smoke filled the room, and she coughed a little.

"Now, about this 'no-anal' request you made before..."

Jenna cut him off. "You saw our Onlyfans, right?"

"Yeah, of course I did, and you both looked incredible, but here's my question. The scene you filmed was hot, but you fucked each other with plastic. What about real cocks?"

"Dudes with big dicks? Fuck yeah, bring 'em on," replied Roxy.

"I hear you both have boyfriends these days." Marco puffed on his Cuban.

The girls glanced at each other. How the fuck did he know that? "Yep, we do," Jenna nodded.

"You're prepared to shoot anal scenes, right?"

Roxy gazed at him, licking her lips. "If there's one thing you need to know about me, Marco, it's that I crave anal sex. Like, I crave it all the fucking time. I always have and I probably always will."

Marco's cock stiffened at the thought of barging through her slutty backdoor. "OK, so let me add this up. You want to return to adult entertainment, you both have boyfriends, you have no problem with anal anymore, and you're ready to engage in acts of sodomy with men?"

Whether they had boyfriends or not was none of Marco's business, but they were on board with everything else. "That's right," Jenna confirmed.

Marco blew a cloud. "You're still religious?"

"Yeah," said Jenna. "We're still Christians. But here's the thing. We've learned that there's nothing in the Bible that rules out anal. Well, to be more precise, the Bible rules out absolutely everything we do, but it doesn't frown any harder at anal than it does at anything else."

"And neither of us are gonna take a vow of celibacy or join a fucking convent, so we figure if we're gonna do blowjobs and vag on set," continued Roxy, "then there's no need for us to draw a line anywhere."

Marco thought for a moment. "So if I was to... let's say..."

"I know exactly where you're going with this," Jenna challenged, "so there's no need to beat around the bush. You can beat my ass instead." She crouched on all-fours in the middle of Marco's office. "Come on, dude. I know this is what you want. Get some lube, and you can fuck my butt right here and now."

Roxy watched her best friend rip her skirt off and arch her back. She wasn't expecting this. She didn't see this coming. Not at all. Her pussy began to tingle. "Fuck, babe," she whispered, starting to touch herself.

Marco pulled his office blinds down. He unzipped his pants and pulled out his small yet fat cock. He was hard already. His cigar burned down in an ashtray.

"Lube," demanded Jenna, throwing her panties against the office wall. She hiked down her stockings, exposing her holes. If her agent needed proof, she'd gladly provide it.

Marco kept a bottle in his bottom drawer. He unbuckled his belt, pulling his pants down to below his knees. "Do you want me to wear a rubber?"

"Yes," insisted Jenna, and Marco obliged. He rolled one on, drizzled some lube on his cock, wiped the excess on Jenna's anus and was amazed to feel her hole open wide to accept his fingers. He pushed two in, down to the second knuckle. "You gonna fuck my ass with your hand, or are you gonna fuck it with your dick?"

Marco's cock stood at full mast now. He positioned himself behind her, resting the tip of his sheathed penis on her butthole. Roxy, still sitting in her chair, teased herself. She'd unbuttoned her denim shorts to let her fingers play.

Jenna looked over her shoulder, her blonde locks flailing. "I'm good to go, boss, time is money, so what the fuck are you waiting for?"

Boss? If Marco's dick could've gotten any harder, it might've exploded. He genuinely wasn't sure how long he'd last. It'd been so long since he last did this. He thrust forward gingerly, and Jenna's hole opened like an aircraft hangar. "Fuck me dead," he wheezed. "I never expected..."

"I know you didn't," Jenna scowled, "but here we are. Now shut up and fuck me." And as Marco's cock buried itself balls-deep inside her, Jenna's expert asshole clenched down hard upon his shaft.

Marco whimpered as Jenna's expert sphincter milked a thick load out of him. He filled the condom on just his third thrust.

While her bestie's asshole must've been bitterly disappointed at Marco's non-performance, this was one of the hottest things Roxy had ever seen in her life. "Nnnnnnnngggggghhhhh," she seethed, and as she mashed her clit, she sprayed Marco's room like a sprinkler. His laptop was soaked, as were the papers on top of his desk.

Marco noticed with surprise that his cigar had been extinguished.

Jenna's asshole pushed him out. Marco's cock drooped in front of him, the reservoir of the rubber full. Regaining what was left of his senses, he rolled it off, tied the end and threw it into his wastepaper basket.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" asked Roxy, her fingers languidly running up and down her wet lips. "What a waste of perfectly good protein."

Marco shook his head in disbelief. If there was ever any lingering doubt about how much these girls had to offer, it had been completely dispelled. He stood up, zipped his pants, and tried to regain some semblance of dignity. "Well, girls, thanks for meeting with me today. I'm happy to say I can offer you each a contract." He reached into a drawer -- thankfully, these pieces of paperwork hadn't been left out on his desk -- and gave the girls one document each. "Feel free to read through the detail at your leisure, but they're word-for-word identical to the contracts you worked under before, except for one new clause. If you flick to page four, can I draw your attention to clause 45a. This is the only amendment to the contracts you'd worked under previously, stipulating as such."

Jenna was busy putting her panties and skirt back on. What did he just say? Was that an actual sentence? "What the fuck does that mean, Marco?"

Marco cleared his throat. "Clause 45a states that the intent of these contracts is to be identical in law to contracts signed with you earlier, and that you have the right to remedy should a dispute arise and a court find otherwise." The girls looked at each other in confusion, still not understanding. They were pornstars, not legal eagles. "I'm not an attorney," continued Marco, "so I'm probably not explaining this well, so let me try another way. Its intent is to wind back the clock to how things were before you went no-anal on me. It's there to safeguard you." He paused. "You don't need to sign right now. Take the documents home with you and feel free to have them checked out by a lawyer."

Roxy nodded. She got it now. "Your cut as an agent is the same as before?" she asked, flipping through the pages.

"Yep," said Marco. "Like I said, the primary intent of these documents is to put everything back to how it was before."

That was all the girls ever wanted. "Gimme a pen," grinned Jenna.

"Me too," Roxy enjoined.

The contracts were inked, and Marco told them they had a scene to shoot next week. They'd be working together in a foursome with a pair of big-dicked black men. The scenario was still to be fleshed out, but Marco loved the 'anal virgin but curious' angle the girls used for their Onlyfans upload, and maybe that could be something to work with.

"Thanks, dude," said Jenna as the girls prepared to leave. "Hope you liked my butt. Your cock is girthy. You stretched me out nice for a few seconds." She winked at him. "Maybe next time you'll last a little longer."

Marco wasn't sure what to say in reply.

"By the way," Roxy apologised, "sorry about your cigar."

*

Friday night.

Kane arrived at the doors of the Improv just as the sun began to set. He wanted to get there early to feel the room, grab a bite to eat, and maybe have a couple of beers to settle the nerves. He'd brought some printed pages of tonight's material with him, and even though he'd been over the outline of his set a dozen times, he wanted to be sure he was comfortable with the content and the flow. He knew how uncool it'd be if he walked up onstage with his notes. Memory mattered, as did spontaneity; he wasn't delivering a lecture. He brought a pen with him, just in case he wanted to scribble down some last-minute changes.

The others were coming later. Jenna had reserved a table right in front of the stage so they could heckle and interact. They were out at a Mexican restaurant right now, smashing nachos and necking tequila. The girls had invited Cherry to come along, and Moses felt like cock of the walk with three hot chicks in tow.

At least Kane had done this once before. He wasn't a comedy virgin anymore, but his one and only prior experience was at an open mic night where literally anyone could get up onstage and try out. He wanted to do well that night, but the only person who'd put any pressure on himself that night was himself. His start that night was rocky as fuck, but it ended like a dream. By the end of his allotted time, the crowd were cackling with laughter.

Security blocked his path as he approached the entrance. Kane said he was here to perform tonight but had arrived a little early. The guard looked sceptical. He radioed Martin, tonight's MC, to confirm. Seconds later, Kane was inside with a lanyard draped around his neck.

He'd been to the Improv a few times before, but he'd never seen it like this. The room felt different when there was nobody in it. It felt cavernous and stale, and there was a strange, pungent smell in the air that reeked of weapons-grade disinfectant.

"Hey, Kane," said Martin, walking up to greet tonight's talent. "Didn't think I was ever gonna hear from you again."

"I should've been in touch," Kane admitted quietly. "I've been thinking about doing this again for so long, it started to stress me out. I should've called. I should've explained."

"No harm done," Martin replied. He recognised Kane as a potentially genuine comedic talent, even if he didn't realise it himself yet, and it was his mission tonight to make his performer feel comfortable and relaxed. "Come sit down for a second. Talk with me." He took two beers from a fridge behind the bar and led Kane to a table. "How are you feeling?"

They sat down. "About tonight? Difficult to explain how I feel," said Kane, sipping his beer. "I've worked hard on my set for tonight. Hopefully it's good, but I still need to get up there and deliver it." He glanced over at the vacant, unlit stage. "If I get up there and bomb, it will have been for nothing."

Live performances are always a gamble, Martin thought to himself. That's part of what makes them so exhilarating.

"I feel edgy," Kane continued, "but at the same time, I'm toey as fuck."

"Toey?" quizzed Martin.

"Like, I'm good to go. My toes are tingling. I feel full of energy. I wish the crowd was here *now*, and I wish I was about to get up onstage *now*. I mean, that's why it's hard to explain how I feel. I feel anxious, but at the same time, I'm also like 'let's go, motherfucker'." He paused for a moment, sipping his beer. He knew his heart was racing. "Does that make sense?"

Martin smiled. In his experience, every comic he'd ever met who genuinely cared about their craft felt like that. He filed Kane's insight away. "What do you remember about last time you performed here?"

"I was standing outside the entrance a couple of minutes ago and I was thinking about that. It was maybe a month and a half ago, right?"

"What do you remember?"

"I remember... I remember it was an open mic night, and I think it was a Saturday. I've been to open mic nights here before, but they're usually midweek and crowds are sparse."

"A big name cancelled on us at the last minute," Martin explained, "and we had no backup, so it was open mic or nothing."

"I must've been in the right place at the right time. I remember feeling a bit like how I feel now," Kane admitted. "Like, I remember feeling hungry, but at the same time, I felt like I wanted to throw up. There must've been about two hundred people, and I didn't know what they were expecting. I remember thinking the guy who was on before me was terrible. Like, I wasn't even sure if the crowd were even listening to him. Like, I wasn't listening to him either, but that's because I was focused on getting up onstage next, but as I looked around the room, nobody else seemed to care who he was or what he said. I thought I could chalk the night up as a success if I was only half as bad as he was."

Martin chuckled.

"I'd always wanted to try comedy, and if I did it once and failed, then whatever, hey, at least I'd had a crack. I wanted my one and only attempt to be good, but I remember my mouth was dry and I couldn't stop sweating. I remember taking half a beer up onstage with me, but those lights were so fucking bright. I'd never been onstage before, so I didn't expect that." He glanced over at the stage again. "It's like you can't see anything that's more than ten yards away, and the lights are fucking hot. The beer didn't last long, and I remember your servers ferried a couple of cold ones up to me onstage. I really appreciated that."

"Do you remember how you felt at the end of your set?"

"Somehow, the anxiety melted away, but I wouldn't say I felt comfortable or relaxed. I felt like it'd gone well, but at the same time, I felt wired, like all my nerve-endings were alive, like I'd just chugged ten coffees."

Adrenalin: the power of live performance. "You looked way more than comfortable and relaxed," said Martin. "Towards the end of your set, you were prowling the stage like a fucking tiger. You know that?"

Kane was taken aback. "Was I? I mean, like, I wouldn't say I felt quite *that* confident, but I guess I felt OK."

"I'm not saying this to try to pump you up, but you looked like an absolute natural that night. You looked like you totally belonged up there."

Kane wasn't sure what to say in response. He wasn't sure he felt that way himself. A knot began to tie in the pit of his stomach.

"You ran over time, you know. Do you remember me giving you the wind-up sign?"

"Yeah, though I could barely see you through the stage lights. You need a better system, dude. Like, maybe buy a giant gong or something. I must've lost track of time. I had some more material, but hey, maybe pacing is an important skill to learn."

"If there was nobody else waiting to go on after you, I would've let you go all night."

Again, Kane wasn't sure what to say.

"Seriously, dude," continued Martin, "you were *that* good. And I still can't quite believe you'd never done standup before."

"It's true. That was my first time, and I haven't performed since."

"Sometimes, I checked the websites of nearby comedy clubs, half-expecting to see you advertised somewhere."

"Advertised?" Kane coughed. "Do you think I've got an agent booking me on a national tour? I work in sales, dude, and I fucking hate it." He sipped his beer.

"We didn't advertise you tonight, either. We weren't sure what to say. 'That guy who rocked the shit out of open mic a month and a half ago is back' didn't seem to strike a chord with our digital media team."

Kane nodded, not sure what to say.

"So why'd you take so long to get back in touch?" asked Martin.

"Because I wanted to come up with some new material first," Kane replied.

Martin didn't follow. "Why? What for? You're aware that comedy routines can be performed more than once, right? That's why we call 'em routines, man! There's a different crowd every night. Do you think Seinfeld writes a brand new set for each performance? He performs the same show, almost word for word, night after night, for months on end, and audiences can't get enough of it. He's performed his current set so often he could probably recite it backwards in his sleep. Like, it's totally OK to recycle and reuse."

Kane took Martin's advice on board, "Good, because I've recycled a little bit of my open mic set for tonight. Basically because tonight's a sequel, so I'm gonna need to bring people up to speed who weren't here last time."

Martin remembered he'd given Kane two thousand bucks after his open mic performance. Like, nobody ever gets paid at an open mic night, but he couldn't remember anyone showing up out of nowhere and being that good in at least five years. If tonight went well, he'd offer him a contract. It was already drafted and hiding in an office drawer backstage. "You need anything else from me?"

"Don't think so." Kane took his cap off and scratched his scalp.

"Let me know if you do. Have you got some moral support coming tonight?"

"Yeah. My girlfriend, my best buddy, and a couple of others. They booked a table right in front of the stage so they can get up in my face."

Martin smiled. "Good to know." He extended his hand, and Kane shook it. "Also, if you're looking for something to eat, I recommend the burger place next door. Best fries in Florida." He stood up. "OK, I'm gonna leave you to it. Let me know if you need anything. Otherwise, break a leg, man."

"Thanks." Fries were probably about all Kane could stomach right now. He fished his printed pages out of his bag and began reading.

*

"So your boyfriend is a comedian?" Cherry asked. She scooped up some chilli with a corn chip.

"Yeah," Roxy answered. "Kinda. Like, he's only performed once, at an open mic night at the Improv, but they invited him back anytime, and tonight's the night. His day job is in sales, but he hates it."

"He was so fucking hilarious last time he performed," said Jenna.

"I laughed so hard I peed a little bit," Roxy confessed.

Moses had his fingers, toes and testicles crossed, hoping for the best for his buddy. "I remember when he first got up onstage, I wanted to drag him back down, because he looked so awkward and uncomfortable, but by the end, he looked like he owned the whole fucking room."

"I remember they kept plying him with beer," Roxy remembered.

"Might've had something to do with it," suggested Moses, "though he told me later that it was hot up there, because of the lights, so he was thirsty. Also, he said he couldn't see anything in the distance. Maybe that helped. Like, if you can't see how most of your audience reacts, but you can still hear them laughing, maybe that's a good thing."

Jenna drank her tequila. "What time is he on?"

"About half past nine," Roxy replied.

Jenna checked the time on her phone. "Sweet. We're all good." She waved their server over and ordered more drinks.

"What was his first set about?" Cherry asked.

"Us," came the reply.

"Is that what he's gonna talk about tonight?"

"Don't know," said Roxy. "I haven't asked. I've been in the room with him while he's been typing notes and stuff, but I haven't pried." She brought her drink to her lips. "Like, it might be about his office job, or it might be about politics, but whatever. I want it to be a surprise."

"It's gonna be about porn, babe," said Jenna. "You know it is."

Roxy smiled. "Yeah, probably." She turned to Cherry. "It's gonna be about porn."

*

Kane read and re-read his notes while he picked at a serving of fries. His pen sat motionless on the table. He hadn't once picked it up. He looked at the inanimate object. The fact he hadn't touched it was a good sign. His pages remained unmarked. There was no need to make any last minute changes or amendments; everything was in its right place, and all he had to do was to remember the sequence of the tale he was going to tell.

His phone buzzed with a message from Roxy. 'luv u boy'

Kane face lit up like a Christmas tree. 'love you too babe'

*

Kane stepped outside for some fresh air. Even though the venue was empty, it was beginning to feel a little claustrophobic. He walked past security on the way out, flashing his lanyard, before stepping out into the warm tropical night. He sat on a concrete bollard not too far away from the door, looking up at the sky. He sucked in some deep breaths. The knot in his stomach felt just a little tighter. He felt OK earlier, when he was talking with Martin, but not so much anymore.

It wasn't too late to run away, he told himself. He didn't have to do this if he didn't want to, he told himself. Nobody was holding a gun to his head, he told himself.

He'd had one shot at this, and while his first shot earned him his second, there might not be a third.

But it would've been so easy to just go home and play video games all night.

Everyone told him how good he was last time, but he couldn't bring himself to believe any of them. He remembered how terrible he felt in the first part of his performance, but for some reason, when people told him he ended his set like a natural, he couldn't make the connection.

His job in sales sucked, but it was easy, and there was no pressure. Nothing like the pressure he felt right now.

He'd worked so hard on tonight's routine. Writing it wasn't all that difficult, but getting up onstage was. For a second, he imagined a future where someone else did the delivery.

He imagined what it'd be like if his girlfriend and best mate rocked up tonight to see him perform and he wasn't here because he'd gone home. What would he say? He imagined the text message he'd send: 'sorry guys, I couldn't go through with it'. Like, sure, they'd probably understand, but...

Kane stood up and walked back towards the venue. He waved his pass and security let him back inside. A crowd had begun to mill, and the night was about to begin.

Half an hour later, he sat with his friends at a table right in front of the stage. A warm-up comedian was onstage, running through a bland routine about politics. He scored a few tepid laughs.

Jenna and Moses were a little bit tipsy and carefree after dinner. Roxy was too, but she felt for her boy, trying to tune in to how he must be feeling. Cherry wasn't sure what to say or do -- last time she was in a room with Kane, he'd fucked her ass and busted in her mouth.

Kane tried his best to engage with the warm-up comic's material, trying to laugh in all the right places, but mentally, his mind was on his own set. He checked the time on his phone, willing it to speed up. He stood up and went to the bathroom, hoping to take the stage with an empty bladder, but try as he might, he couldn't get a stream going. He felt like he was gonna burst a blood vessel if he pushed too hard.

When he came out of the bathroom, Roxy was standing at the door, waiting for him. "You OK, boy?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Kane took his cap off and scratched his scalp so hard she worried he'd draw blood.

Bullshit. Something was wrong. Roxy knew. "Come with me," she said. She took him by the hand and led him to a quiet part of the room. "What's up?"

"I don't know. Like, maybe I shouldn't have done this."

"I remember the very first time we met, you told me you were a standup comedian. Do you remember that too?"

Kane gulped. "Yeah. I do." He looked down at his hands. "I sat outside earlier wondering how it might work if I wrote the jokes, but someone else got up onstage in place of me."

"You mean, someone else cashing in on your hard work?"

"Yeah... maybe it'd be easier that way."

Roxy furrowed her brow. "But then someone else would earn the laughs, the applause, and the praise, and someone else would be getting hit on by hot chicks after they were done, not you, and if I can be honest, I'm here to watch you slay onstage, but I'm also here to watch what happens afterwards." She smiled as she kissed him on the lips. "You're gonna knock this out of the park, boy, and bitches are seriously gonna want to drag you home when you're done."

"I don't want anyone else but you." Kane's pre-performance anxiety had him on the verge of tears. He felt vaguely nauseous.

"I know, boy. I don't want anyone else either, but it was so much fun last time watching chicks hitting on you that I'm secretly looking forward to watching it happen again. But really, more than anything, I'm just trying to make you feel a little bit more at ease." She looked deep into his dark half-Chinese eyes. "You're the funniest person I know. I've got no idea what you've got in store for us tonight, but I know it's gonna crack me up. You crack me up all the time, sometimes without even saying anything at all, so why would tonight be any exception? If it helps while you're up there, just imagine you're talking to me, in our bed, and there's no-one else around."

The knot in Kane's stomach dissolved. "I need to go to the bathroom again." His bladder was still achingly full.

"But you just went, though, right?"

"I couldn't pee. I can't explain."

Roxy raised her eyebrows. "Do you need me to hold it for you?" she smirked. Secretly, she'd love to hold it for him while he peed, but that was a request for another day.

Kane blushed. "It's a weird guy thing... like... fuck... don't worry, I'll tell you later." He paused. "I need to go take a piss now."

*

The bland politics guy wrapped up, resting the mic on a stool placed in the back left-hand corner of the stage. He left to muted applause. There was a short break to let the audience head to the bathroom, get more drinks, or nip outside for some fresh air.

Kane sat at the table with his friends, not speaking much. Martin found him. "You good to go, dude?"

Kane nodded, exhaling loudly. "I think so." Roxy squeezed his arm in support.

"Two minutes. I'll introduce you, then you run up and get started. You're gonna be fine."

Kane nodded again. This was gonna be the longest two minutes of his life.

"You totally fuckin' got this, boy," said Roxy as she kissed him. Kane forced a smile.

The lights dimmed. Showtime. Martin took the stage and grabbed the mic. "Those of you who were lucky enough to be here maybe six weeks ago for an unscheduled open mic night would've seen tonight's headline act perform his first ever comedy routine, and might I say, he brought the house down. We're lucky enough to have him back with us tonight for an encore performance, so without any further ado, please put your hands together and welcome to the stage tonight's headline act, Kane!"

There was an outbreak of wild cheers and hollers from the raucous table right in front of the stage, and a smattering of applause throughout the rest of the room.

Kane walked up the short flight of stairs onto the stage. He squinted into the lights as Martin handed him the mic. He pulled the peak of his cap down tight. "Hey," he mumbled. "Thanks." He had some basic patter to run through before he got into the main part of his act -- the purpose was to help him find a groove and settle into things. "Name's Kane. You might know me from the Old Testament of the Bible, except they spelled my name wrong. I was a farmer back then. I can't remember what clothes I wore, but..."

He had some more shallow Old Testament material to deliver, but in many ways, he was glad to be interrupted by a server bringing a tray of three cold beers up onstage. She lined them up neatly on the stage floor before retreating.

"OK, OK, I know what this is about," Kane grinned. "Last time I got up onstage here, I got so fucking thirsty. These lights are bright, and this is only my second time doing this. Looks like they're setting me up in advance tonight." He reached down to grab a bottle, took a sip, and raised it to the bar in salute. "Not sure I'm gonna be able to down three beers in half an hour, but it's nice to know the bar staff believe in me." He was so fucking glad he managed to pee before this. His bladder might've exploded.

The crowd settled in anticipation, and Kane decided to dive straight into the main part of his tale. "So, my girlfriend is a pornstar." He paused for a second. "Anyone here watch porn?"

"Who is she?" yelled someone from the back.

"You'll find out later, dude. Keep it in your pants for now." He paced the stage. "Gotta keep some mystery, right?"

"How big is your dick?" came the next heckle.

Kane was sharp. "And here I was just a second ago talking about mystery."

"You must be huge," yelled someone else. "Show us!"

"Right, so here's the thing," Kane responded, riffing on the interjections. "I'm half-Chinese, but you don't see too many Asian dudes in porn, do you? Why's that, do you think? While the laws of probability would suggest there's gonna be a handful of Chinese guys out there with supermassive wangs, I ain't one of them. I'm not gonna flop it out onstage, so you're gonna need to take me at my word. There's not a single guy in the room who doesn't know how big his dick is," Kane continued, "and I'm no exception. So I'm five and half inches, or as I like to think, six on a good day." He paused, sipping his beer. "Average, perhaps, but way smaller than your average male performer, it's fair to say. So whatever it is you're thinking, it ain't true. If you're thinking pornstars need a big dick in their private life, I guess maybe some do, but on the other hand, maybe some don't." He glanced down at Roxy. She smiled at him as she sipped her cocktail, and he knew he was on point.

He continued. "OK, so my best buddy is also dating a pornstar, and like, so... umm... fuck, how do I explain this? It's so fucking weird. Like, he's dating my girlfriend's bestie, and the four of us recently moved into an apartment together." Kane paused for a second. "That could be an interesting premise for a late-night reality TV show, but I digress." He gulped some of his beer. "Wait a second; let me get back on track." Kane took a breath. "So I've always wanted to try comedy, but I work in a dull sales job, so let's just say it's easier for me to write jokes about porn than it is about whatever the fuck it is I'm meant to do at work each day." He shielded his eyes from the stage lights, trying to peer into the distance. "Hey, if anyone's here tonight from my company, I love what we do, smashing my KPIs makes my life worth living, and I'm proud to be part of a community that strives to make the world a better place, one sale at a time." He paused, smiling. "Boxes checked, I hope. OK, so now let's back to whatever the fuck I was meant to be talking about."

"Porn," shouted someone from way up back.

Kane pulled his cap down to shield his eyes from the lights so he could scan the room. How many people were here? Maybe five hundred? Maybe a few more? How the fuck did *that* happen? "That's right. Porn. So, like I said, my girl is a pornstar." He paused, taking a few small steps across the stage. "Or, to be more accurate, she *used* to be a pornstar. She had a lucrative contract with a major studio, but she got herself fired, and her best friend got herself fired too. At the exact same time, for the exact same reason. You wanna know why?"

The crowd were on tenterhooks.

"Because they told their agents they wanted their contracts amended so they wouldn't have to shoot anal scenes anymore, and as you can imagine, that went down like a lead balloon." He sipped his beer. "So why, in a world where anal sex is mainstream as fuck, and given how much they both loved taking it in the ass, do you think they'd ask for a contractual amendment like that?" He scoured the room like a high school teacher posing an easy question in search of extra credit.

"Religion?" came from up back.

"Hole in one. Religion. Like, what else could it be?" Kane strode across the stage. "Anyone here ever come across a Youtube channel called 'Bitches Gone Bible'?"

Every male hand in the room was raised, and some female hands too. "Fuck yeah!" shouted a guy from way up back.

"OK, OK, settle down," grinned Kane, sipping his beer. "So now y'all know who's implicated. If you're familiar with that channel, you'll know Jenna, who's officially my best buddy's plus one for formal functions and black tie events, and you'll also know Roxy, who's... like... fuck, goddamn..."

Kane stopped for a second. Here he was, onstage at the Miami Improv, taking an important step towards the career he'd dreamed of, yet still not quite believing that his life was panning out quite like this. For a moment, he found himself lost for words, temporarily unable to describe what Roxy meant to him and how lucky he felt to have her. He glanced down at her table, just metres from the edge of the stage. She made the heart symbol with her hands.

"... like, she's my girl, like literally forever, and..."

The crowd roared in support.

"Thanks, guys, like, I totally appreciate that." He took his cap off to scratch his head. "I lost my way there, just for a moment, but, like, Roxy's down here, right in front of me, getting obliterated on vodka martinis, and... like, can we get someone from the bar to bring her and Jenna another drink, and maybe a fresh beer for my best bud, looks like he's running dry..."

Kane felt the need to get back on track.

"Anyway, so here's a quick summary of how we got to this point. These two beautiful women were shooting some footage for their Youtube channel one day, presumably to spread the good word, when they randomly accosted my buddy Moses on his lunch break. He's got a biblical name, so obviously, once they discovered this, they riffed on that, and then they threw some questions about sex at him. They got on to talking about anal, which as you already know the girls had sworn off, even though they both missed it a lot. More on that later." Kane paused, swallowing a mouthful of beer. "So Moses tells them that according to the Bible, anal penetration is OK, so long as no actual penises are involved. It's just a thought that popped into his head that he thought might be amusing, but the girls instantly take it as gospel. Next thing, they've invited him back to their condo, and as Mosey tells the story, Jenna eats Roxy's butthole, they fuck each other's asses with giant plastic toys, Roxy squirts on his face and Jenna swallows his nut. And then, after all that, Moses goes back to work." Kane sipped his beer, drinking in the laughs rippling through the room.

"Like, who in their right fucking mind would go back to the office after *that*? Imagine how dishevelled he must've looked. More to the point, imagine how bad he must've smelt! His hair must've been matted with squirt, and like, he must've literally reeked of sex. Unbelievable. Imagine what his co-workers must've thought." Kane walked the stage for a moment, letting the laughs ring out. "Anyway, so Mosey wants to meet up with me that night for a beer. We catch up and he starts telling me about his day. Now, in his defence, I need to point out that he's not bragging in any way, he's telling the story as factually as possible, with a totally straight face." Kane paused. "Now from my point of view, this is the most batshit crazy bullshit I've ever heard in my life, and by the end of it, I'm laughing so hard I'm literally weeping. I mean, everything he's telling me is such total bullshit I'm looking around the room wondering where the hidden cameras are stashed." Kane paused to let the laughs echo around the room. "I didn't believe a word he said until he showed me a closeup of Jenna's pussy which she'd sent to his phone earlier. I recognised it immediately." He paused again for comedic effect. "I'd seen it once or twice before, you see."

Kane walked to the front of the stage to issue an apology to his best buddy's girl. "Sorry, Jenna, I know you're with my buddy now, but... well... I've studied your oeuvre." He looked up at the crowd, smirking. "Y'all don't know what 'oeuvre' means, do you?" He paused. "It doesn't mean 'pussy', if that's what your filthy minds are thinking. It means 'body of work', but I thought that might've been a bit gross to say to a pornstar." He focused his attention back on Jenna. "Anyway, just so you know, I swear I could pick your pussy out of an oeuvre lineup from ten yards away." Waves of laughs bounced around the room, and Jenna, sitting right in front of the stage, doubled over.

"Porn's a weird fuckin' thing, ain't it?" Kane mumbled, almost to himself, waiting for the laughter to die down before resuming his narrative. "OK, so having seen a pic of Jenna's moneymaker on Mosey's phone, I've got no choice but to believe him, but I'm still a bit like 'no fucking way, dude'. And then he tells me Jenna asked him out, but he hadn't replied yet, because -- like, get this -- he didn't know what to say."

Incredulous laughter bounced around the room. "I know, right? Full disclosure, Mosey's here tonight, and I've told parts of this story here once before, so none of this is a surprise to him." Kane craned down towards the front table again, relieved to see his best buddy laughing at his own expense.

"Anyway, Mosey tells me he wants to think about what he'd say, and so I'm like 'dude, you're single and a god tier pornstar just asked you out, so what the literal fuck is there to think about? You don't have a girlfriend who's gonna slam your balls in a drawer, so send her a fucking text! Every minute counts!' And he looks at me so dumbfounded, I'm like 'gimme your phone, dipshit, let me reply on your behalf', because I'm thinking Mosey's gonna fuck this up somehow. And he nearly did."

"How?" yelled someone from left of centre.

"OK, so they're texting each other in real time now, and Jenna says something about meeting up for coffee and dessert. Sounds innocent, right? Coffee and dessert? Like, maybe this is how pornstars organise their first dates, I don't know. Maybe if you pass the coffee and dessert test, a vicious pegging awaits. It's a steep curve." Kane stopped, appreciating the laughs. "My own experience was somewhat more challenging, mind you, but more on that later."

"She pegged you?" yelled someone from the back.

"Challenging in different ways, which I'm gonna get to, but first, Imma embrace what you just said." Kane took a deep breath. "If my girl wants to play with my butt, as if I'm gonna say no."

A silence fell, and Kane filled the void.

"OK, so this is meant to be a comedy show, but Imma be serious for just a second. Anal goes both ways, right? So my attitude is, if you wanna fuck your girl where the sun don't shine and they wanna return the favour someday, what's your plan B?"

Roxy's pussy tingled.

Jenna leaned over. "You hear what your boy just said?" she whispered. "I'm not sure, but I think he just told hundreds of people he wants you to play with his butt."

Roxy sipped her martini. "He's gonna get it so fuckin' bad tonight," she breathed.

Onstage, Kane returned to his routine. "Anyhow, for reasons known only to Moses himself, he told Jenna his favourite cake was chocolate. Now remember, y'all, what he'd told me happened that afternoon where Jenna's ate the fuck out of Roxy's ass. Surely we all know ass equals cake, so, like, we can take that at face value, and I shouldn't need to bust out a Powerpoint to walk you through the math. So now Jenna's probably wondering what my buddy means by his comment. Like, maybe his remark was code for something else which I'll leave to your imagination." Murmurs spread through the room as Kane pranced the stage. "Yeah, you motherfuckers know, you're a smart crowd, and I don't even need to say it." He paused. "So anyway, they meet up for their coffee date, and miraculously, Moses holds it together. Jenna takes him home and they fuck. Later, they're lying on her bed, Roxy walks in, and so now the girls get it on while Moses watches. This time, they both blow him." He took a few bold steps across the stage.

"So it's sunset now, and they're all getting hungry and thinking about dinner. This is when Mosey calls me and invites me to come out for a meal with them. And so I'm like 'dinner with you and a couple of pornstars? You better not be playing me, dude, because if you are, I'm gonna shave your dick off with a potato peeler, one microslice at a time'."

Laughs bounced around the room.

Roxy couldn't tear her eyes from her boy. She could barely believe how nervous he looked before taking the stage, because right now, in this moment, he looked so fucking confident. He owned this room. She wanted him so fucking bad.

Kane finished his first beer and collected the second. "Anyway, so Mosey tells me which bar they're heading to, and I drop everything because I want to get there before they do. I'm at a table with a beer in front of me when Moses walks in with a pornstar on each arm. Heads are turning, and I'm a believer now, like I'm a total fuckin' disciple, because the evidence is right there in front of my eyes. Mosey introduces me, and straight away the girls latch onto the biblical reference in my name too. I'm usually OK with small talk, but right now, I'm starstruck. I'm fixated on thinking about how many times I've fapped to the goddesses sitting next to me, and I can't get past it. I can't think of a single witty think to say. I know I'm making a bad first impression, but it gets much worse, very quickly."

Kane waited for a second, letting the expectation settle.

"The topic of sex inevitably comes up, y'all. Under the table, my dick's as hard as a rock because I'm sitting at a table with two of the most beautiful, fuckable women on earth, and they both look so goddamn perfect, but because I'm only five and a half inches, it doesn't show and it doesn't matter. So the girls are talking about how they've repented, though they both miss doing anal. Out of curiosity, I ask Roxy how she first discovered the joys of backdoor pleasure, and she was completely open about her response, presumably thinking that answering my question was a part of doing God's work."

Kane paused. He looked down at his muse. She sipped her cocktail and smiled at him. OK, here goes.

"What followed was without a doubt the hottest story about stomach flu I've ever heard."

The crowd leaned forward in anticipation.

"I've checked with Roxy to make sure I can tell this," Kane continued, "so here's a summary of what I remembered her telling me that night, because to be honest, my head was spinning. Basically, she told me she was sick one time, got backed up, and couldn't poop. Like, food was going in, but nothing was coming back out, and she was worried what might happen. So she's sitting on the toilet, pushing hard, desperately willing it to move, but it just wouldn't budge. So she tries a finger up there, thinking it might help break the deadlock somehow, and suddenly, her pussy tingles and she needs to masturbate." Kane paused for a second. "And now her poop begins its fateful journey. And there's so much of it, it felt like it was gonna split her wide open, but as it came out, her brain started tingling, and as she touched herself again, she screamed, squirting everywhere." Kane paused again. "And if I thought I was hard before, I'm right on the edge now. Like, I'm seriously thinking of excusing myself to go jack off in the bathroom, but as it turned out, I didn't need to." He chuckled to himself. "They do table service these days."

The crowd laughed. "What happened?" yelled someone.

"Hands up anyone who's ever ejaculated in their pants in a public place?" Kane waited. "Nobody? Oh, OK, maybe I'm the only lucky one. Because what happens now is Roxy, my favourite pornstar in the fucking world, who I still can't believe I'm sitting next to, leans over and drops her hand in my lap. I can feel her breath on my face and I'm drowning in her pretty eyes and the gorgeous constellation of freckles that stretch across her nose and cheeks and she's biting her bottom lip seductively and I wish I could kiss her and... and... and so suddenly my dick is flexing inside my pants, trying to bust free, but all it's doing is busting rope after rope of cum into my boxers." He paused for a second, letting waves of laughter bounce around the room. He sipped his beer and strode the stage. "Anyone ever tried to wash cum out of their pants in a public place?" He waited. "Again, no takers? Guess I'm the lucky one again. Piece of unsolicited advice: if you ever find yourself in this predicament, set aside at least twenty minutes to complete the task, and expect to leave the bathroom with wet pants."

Kane drank his beer, finally relaxing completely as laughter bounced around the room.

"Like, I literally wanted to just fuckin' die of embarrassment. I couldn't go back to the table. There's no pretending that didn't happen, so it was time for me to drag my sorry ass back home. As I left the bathroom and walked past the table, I said goodbye to Moses, but I couldn't look either of the girls in the eye. They stopped me, and Roxy invites me back to wash my pants and boxers." He paused. "I don't know. Maybe she felt guilty." He strode to the front of the stage and loomed over his girlfriend's table. "Huh?" he grinned. "What've you got to say for yourself?"

Roxy sipped her cocktail. "Dig upwards," she grinned.

He lifted his head, looking at an unseen spot at the back of the room. "You hear that?" he laughed. "She says 'dig upwards'." He pranced the stage. "I get so much fuckin' sass." Kane was literally having the time of his life right now.

He took a deep breath, sighing into the mic before continuing. "So I'm sitting on the couch with a towel wrapped around my naked waist and a cushion placed on my lap while Roxy loads the washing machine with my wet pants and boxers. It's whirring away in the background, and she's sitting next to me on the couch, and if I'm not mistaken, it feels like she's hitting on me."

"I was!" Roxy yelled from right in front of stage.

Kane took his cap off to scratch his scalp. "I mean... like... none of this shit makes any sense to me. I mean, picture it, y'all. Can you imagine a more pathetic scene than this? A guy unloads in public, inside his pants, tries to wash them in a public bathroom, and the perpetrator..." -- he glanced down at his girlfriend -- "you OK if I call you that, babe?... the perpetrator invites him back home to wash his soiled garments, and he's sitting on her couch, waiting for the wash cycle to finish, while wearing a fucking towel."

Huge laughs.

"Despite my acute embarrassment and confusion about why the fuck I'm even here," Kane continued, "I remember thinking 'she's my favourite pornstar and I can't believe I'm sitting next to her in her own condo, I mean, like, what the fuck's going on right now'."

"That's when I took the towel away," yelled Roxy, clapping her hands together in glee.

Kane looked up at the crowd apologetically. "Sorry about this, guys, I didn't know this was gonna be a two person show." He walked confidently around the stage, revelling in laughter. "Yeah, so what Roxy said. In case you didn't hear her up the back, she took the towel away from me. She must've known I was hard -- I mean, why else would I have a fucking cushion on my lap? -- and I guess she wanted to take a peek. Who knows, maybe she'd never seen a penis in real life before and was curious to find out what they looked like," he quipped. "Anyhow, guess what she said when she saw it?"

"Too small?" someone yelled.

"I thought we exploded that myth in Act One," Kane replied. "She didn't say it was small, she said it was... cute."

Peals of laughter.

"I don't know, maybe it means the same thing. I've laid awake at night wondering. Maybe 'cute' is what girls say when they're unimpressed, but they don't wanna say so."

"It's cuuuuuuuuute!" screamed Roxy. "Your dick is so fucking cute, boy!"

Kane smiled bashfully, milking the laughs as he took off his cap to scratch his head. "That's so fucking adorable, babe," he joked, laughing hard at his own expense. "OK, so let the minutes of the meeting show that my dick has officially been rated 'cute'. That's exactly what you wanna hear when a legend of modern-day pornography appraises your cock, right, guys? Not 'have you got a license for that weapon sir,' and not 'get 911 on standby because that's gonna put me in traction,' but 'awwww, would you look at that, it's so cute.'"

"I love your cock, Kane!" yelled Roxy. "It's cute, just like you!"

Inside, Kane's heart was on fire. He paused, taking stock of where he was up to in his tale. "Anyway, Roxy invited me to stay over that night." He sipped his beer. "Mosey was in Jenna's room, and next morning, after the girls left for church, he and I started to hatch our plan. The night before was weird enough for me, and I'd only known Roxy for less than twenty four hours, but she asked her to call me next morning, which to me felt totally fucking insane. That had never happened in my entire life, and like, she was a pornstar, so there's that. Anyway, y'all, Moses and Jenna were starting to form a connection. He desperately wanted to fuck her in the ass, but she wouldn't let him, because to her, it was sinful. He'd seen her do anal a million times on screen -- well, maybe not quite that many times -- and he desperately, desperately wanted to join the club, but unfortunately, the Bible was in the way. Jenna was adamant that there was an important passage that prohibited anal sex, but she didn't know for sure which one. Still, she'd left the industry on this very point, so she must've been certain, but just to be sure, Mosey and me wanted to find the evidence." He paused, sipping his beer.

"So we each bought a copy of the Bible and we started to read it, but we didn't get very far. It was easier to find what we needed to know online. Mosey found a theological opinion that, as far as believers are concerned, anal isn't any more or less sinful than any other kind of unmarried sex. So unless the girls were to become born-again virgins -- like, yeah right, as if -- then doing anal or not really didn't make any difference."

Kane sipped his beer, collecting his thoughts.

"Things nearly got ugly at this point, because the girls invited us to be interviewed for 'Bitches Gone Bible', though I'm not sure where that idea came from. Anyway, Moses chose this moment to share his research, telling the girls on their own turf that any kind of unmarried sex is a sin, and that there's nothing specifically wrong with anal. For a Christian to do porn, he said, they'd have to marry each person they fucked, male, female or whatever, then divorce them before the next scene. And, he asked, how would blowbangs and gangbangs work if you can only be married to one person at a time? The girls then reflected on how they often had sex with each other at home, and like, at that point, the entire house of cards collapsed. Even just to jerk someone off was a sin if you weren't married to them." He paused. "The exchange of ideas didn't go down well. Like, this would mean more than just the end of their careers in porn, it'd mean the end of their entire sex lives, unless, that is, they married someone, but then they'd have to be faithful to them forever. Like, as if that was ever gonna work. So after a lot of soul-searching, they decided they might as well go back to porn. At this point, a no-anal clause on religious grounds made just as much sense as a no-oral clause or a no-handjob clause."

"Cuck," shouted someone from way up back.

"Huh?" Kane wasn't sure he heard right.

"Cuck," came the voice again.

Kane squinted into the bright lights. Laughter had stopped. "Wait, so you're calling me a cuck because my girl does porn? Because she goes to work and gets banged by dudes who are bigger than me, stronger than me, and with cocks bigger than mine?"

There was no reply.

"She's here right now, asshole." Kane glanced down at Roxy's table; her eyes were ablaze. "She's here right now, hearing your accusation, and I can already tell from the look on her face that she thinks you're a cunt and she'd love nothing more right now than to kick you repeatedly in the balls."

There were no further interjections.

Kane addressed the room again. "We talked about this, which is what people in relationships do. Like, first of all, porn is her job, and she's awesome at it. Second, I'm totally cool with it. She doesn't get to veto my shitty job in sales, so I don't get to veto what she does either. And third, once you earn a reputation, porn pays ridiculously well." Kane paused for a second, thinking.

"It must be tough as fuck for most pornstars to have relationships, because partners get suspicious, then jealous, then darker emotions come into play, and then everything turns to shit." He sipped his beer. "I goon out to my pornstar girlfriend, y'all. I fap to her scenes, anonymous dude, and sometimes, she watches me do it. Last week, she blew me while I watched an old scene of her getting fucked in the ass. I'm not saying this to boast or to brag, but if you're gonna come at me with 'cuck', you might be surprised at what people can get done when they talk to each other."

"Woo!" screamed Jenna and Roxy. "Fuck yeah!"

Kane got his routine back on track. "OK, so the next thing that happens is the girls decide they want to get back in the game. Like, if anal was off limits but everything else was too, then what sense did their religious retirement make? So they get in touch with their previous agent, who suggests Onlyfans as a way back. They film a girl-on-girl scene where they pretend to be curious about anal." The room rippled with laughter again, and Kane's face stretches with a knowing smile. He had no intention of explaining his role in capturing the scene or how it ended. "I know, right? Curious about anal? These two bitches gone bible? Like, United could probably park planes in their assholes. Sideways." Laughs echoed around the room. "Y'all know the scene I'm talkin' 'bout, right? They upload it, the internet explodes, and agents circle." He sipped his beer. "They're not back in the game just yet, but they will be, very soon."

He polished off his second beer and reached for his third. "Fuck me dead, it's hot up here." He took a sip. "Feels like my time is almost done, but maybe I can leave you with some thoughts." He took a few steps, thinking about how to wrap this up.

"Here's what I've learned from getting to know these two stunningly beautiful women." He took a deep breath. "If you're successful in porn, it pays well, but the cash comes with some serious downsides. Difficulties in starting and maintaining relationships, for starters. Think of it this way. You're in porn, you meet a girl-slash-guy you like, you go out on a few dates and you think things are going OK, but then suddenly, your new plus one starts behaving differently, saying strange things, posing weird questions, and so once again, you need to choose. What's more important to me, my partner or my livelihood? And so after a while, you decide relationships are too hard, and that it's not worth investing in other people if you can't invest in yourself. So you start building walls, which now makes it even harder to fall into a relationship, especially if you've got a profile, and so now suddenly you find yourself making serious bank, but as soon as you walk off set, you're done, you're alone, and you go home to your expensive but solitary apartment." Kane sipped his beer. "Like, it shouldn't have to be this way, and that's where I come in." He leaned down towards his girlfriend, sitting at a table right in front of stage. "Babe, I hate to break it to you this way, especially in public, but considering how many unhappy pornstars there are who could use some of my sweet half-Chinese five point five, I might need to hire myself out."

Roxy laughed so hard she peed a little. Kane grinned so hard his face was beginning to hurt.

"OK," said Kane, wrapping up, "I think I'm done, y'all. Keep an eye out for the 'Bitches Gone Bible' babes' triumphant return to porn. I'm Kane, and thanks for listening! Later!" He left the microphone on the stool in the corner of the stage, leaving to thunderous cheers and applause.

He didn't get very far. Roxy was up out of her seat, running towards him. She threw her arms around his waist, nearly barrelling him over with the force of her embrace. She pulled him close and kissed him deeply. "Fuck, boy," she said, pulling her face away from his, "you're so fucking good at that. I've always known how funny you are, but like, you're a natural storyteller, and the stuff you said was so insightful. You're right, some women in porn have it tough, but I know I don't." She gazed into his eyes. "I'm so fucking proud of you, and I'm so glad we're together."

"This has to be a dream," said Kane, adrenalin pumping through his veins.

"You said that once before and I threatened to knee you in the nuts to prove it wasn't," remembered Roxy. "Don't fucking tempt me," she smirked, "because I swear to God..."

There was a tap on Kane's shoulder. "Hey," said Martin. "Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but is there any chance you and I could have a quiet word out back?"

"Sure," said Kane. "Can Roxy come with us?"

"No problem at all," replied Martin, recognising her immediately.

Kane looked over at Moses, Jenna and Cherry. "Back in a sec," he said.

*

"Once again, man," said Martin, "stellar performance. Here's a check for two thousand bucks."

"Fuck, dude," said Kane, "I did not expect this. Seriously."

"Don't spend it all at once." Martin sat down behind a desk, opened a drawer, and produced a few printed pages, stapled together. "If you didn't expect that, you probably won't be expecting this either." He handed the document to Kane.

"What's this?"

"It's a contract."

Kane gasped. "What the fuck?"

"I wanna work with you," said Martin, taking in the stunned look on Kane's face. "Now you don't have to sign it if you don't want to, and you don't have to sign it right now, either, if you don't feel ready. Take it home, think about it, get some legal advice if you feel you need to."

Kane gazed at the front page and tried to jam some of the printed words into his brain. "What does it say?"

"It's a contract between you and me. I'll be your manager. How that works is I set you up with other venues in this part of the country, I book your planes and hotel rooms for gigs, and in return, I take a modest cut of your earnings."

Roxy was so excited that she started bouncing on the balls of her feet. It made her tits jiggle, and Martin, knowing exactly what she was famous for, tried hard not to stare. "What do you think, boy?" she asked.

Kane took his cap off and scratched his head fiercely. "Like, I mean... how can I possibly say no to this?"

Roxy spoke to Martin. "The very first night we met, Kane told me he was a standup comic."

"Then this was meant to be," Martin smiled. "He might've always had the aspiration and the dream, but he's also got the talent to match. The way he dealt with some of those heckles tonight tells me he's born for this. Just so you know, Roxy, I've been moving in comedy circles for a very long time, and I've rarely seen a performer look so confident and so totally in command so early in their career."

Kane let the word bounce around inside his head. Career.

"Fuck, I know," breathed Roxy. "He looked so fucking hot up there tonight, I just wanted to run up onstage, unzip his pants, and suck his cock."

Martin gulped.

"Oops. Sorry. A bridge too far, perhaps," said Roxy, backpedalling, "but, like, I think I know what you mean. At home, he cracks me up all the time. He's the funniest, wittiest guy I've ever met. But fuck, dude, honestly, you should've seen him before he went onstage. I thought he was gonna have a heart attack."

Martin reflected on his earlier conversation with Kane, nodding quietly at Roxy's words.

Kane had a question. "Would I need to quit my day job, Martin?"

"Even though I know you're not in love with your nine to five," he chuckled, "I'd advise against quitting. At least for now. It'll take a while to get you started, and you might get the sense things are moving a little too slowly at first, so you're still gonna want a stable income. But once you start to develop a following and a reputation -- and trust me, you will -- doors will start to open for you. Then, maybe you could think about quitting your sales gig."

Roxy nodded but remained silent. She'd had a similar experience getting started in porn. Things can move from 'too slow' to 'too fast' very quickly, and it isn't always easy to ride the wave.

Kane thought hard for a moment or two. He skim-read the document, and while he wasn't a legal expert, Martin seemed like a cool guy who was showing an immense amount of faith in him. "What would be your cut?"

"Fifteen percent of what you earn. That's standard. Feel free to ask to ask around if you're not sure."

"And how long does the contract run?"

"Two years. Again, that's quite common. If you decide you don't want to perform any more, that's fine, but you can't engage another agent to replace me until this contract expires."

Kane couldn't stop grinning. This was a dream come true. "Gimme a pen. Imma sign the fuck outta this thing."

Martin's signature followed Kane's and the deal was done.

"Congrats, boy!" cheered Roxy. She wrapped her arms around him.

Kane shook Martin's hand. Martin handed him his business card. "Call me next week and we'll get moving, OK?"

"Absolutely," Kane smiled.

"Don't be a goddamn stranger this time. Don't weigh yourself down. Trust me, man, you're good. Let's do this."

"I can't wait to get started, Martin. And thanks. You don't know how surprised I am, or how much I appreciate this."

"Just one piece of advice," said Martin. "Talk to a tax guy. You're an independent businessman now. I can put you in touch with a guy I use."

"I'll call you on Monday," smiled Kane.

Roxy led her boyfriend by the hand back to their table. She was bursting to tell them the news. "Guess what?"

"What?" asked Jenna.

"Kane signed a deal."

"No fucking way!" gasped Moses.

"I can't fucking believe what just happened back there," said a breathless Kane. "The MC gave me a check for two thousand bucks and offered me a contract. I'm gonna go on the road."

"And I'm gonna come with you," squealed an ecstatic Roxy. "In between porn shoots, that is." She wrapped her arms around his neck.

After giving Kane a sweet, warm hug, Cherry left for home, promising to be in touch with Jenna soon. Jenna had promised to show her the ins and outs of anal pleasure, and Cherry couldn't wait.

The party of four left the venue for someplace quieter. Over a few more drinks and some deep fried snacks, they talked about their lives, their careers, their aspirations and their dreams. The girls were back in porn, doing what they loved, each looking forward to their comeback shoot next week, and Kane was standing solidly on the first rung of a ladder he'd always aspired to climb.

Everything about Kane's life was perfect.

*

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*

Somewhere, in the depths of a cold, snowy Montana winter, an alarm clock sounded, dragging Cain out of a deep sleep. He rolled over and shut it off. He pulled the bed covers up, shivering a little as he felt the morning chill.

His ultra-religious mom had been up since sunrise. She padded down the basement steps in slippered feet to check on her only son, making sure he was up. "Time to rise, Cain. Time to do a good day's work in the service of Our Lord and Saviour," she said. "We all want to stay in His good books for Eternity, don't we?"

Cain sat up in bed and rubbed his bleary eyes, yawning. His head was heavy with the intense dream he'd just woken up from. His smallish penis felt hard, but he knew masturbation was a mortal sin. He pushed Satan away, pivoting to throw his feet onto the cold hard floor.

He brushed his teeth, dressed conservatively, combed his hair to one side, and steeled himself for the day ahead. "'Bye, Mom."

"Have a lovely day at the insurance office, Cain," she replied, handing him today's lunch. "Don't forget to pray, and I'll see you again this evening when you come back home. After supper tonight, we'll sit quietly and do some Bible study."

Cain donned a woollen cap to protect his head from the swirling wind outside. He forced a weak smile before closing their solid front door behind him.

Walking through the bitter cold towards the nearest bus stop, he paused at a café to purchase a blueberry muffin. He fished a few dollar bills out of his wallet with his mittened fingers. He asked for them to put the muffin in the microwave for a few seconds, so it'd be just a little bit warm for his journey.

His bottom lip trembled as a solitary tear rolled down his cheek. He hated his life so fucking much. He wanted nothing more than to live in the dream he'd just had.

Cain sat on the bus and picked at his fruity breakfast cake, trying to remember as much of his dream as he could before the wispy fragments disappeared forever.