Team Sub Ch. 09

Chapter 9 - Melancholia

*****

Bzzzz, Dan's phone vibrated on his bedside locker. He turned over in his bed and picked up his phone. It was his coach ringing him for the umpteenth time. He elected not to answer the call - again - letting it ring out to voicemail.

He drew back under the covers. The bedroom was dark and stuffy, the curtains drawn even though it was the middle of the day. He didn't want to see sunlight, and hadn't seen much of it in the past two weeks since the session at Eric's.

Exhaling, he heaved himself out of bed, the dire need to use the bathroom overcoming him. As he made his way, he stepped over empty takeaway tupperware, plastic bottles and pizza boxes as they lay strewn across the floor. He relieved himself in the ensuite, glad he didn't need to go out into the main hallway and risk bumping into Isaac who would surely try to start a conversation.

He washed his hands and looked at himself in the mirror. His facial hair was long and scruffy, his hair unkempt and there were dark circles under his eyes. When he looked in the mirror he didn't know who he was anymore. He didn't recognise the person he stared at. Not only physically, but mentally. Who was he?

The session at Eric's had really fucked him up. He had been on an exciting journey of exploring his sexuality. His sub identity was thrilling and new and there were so many new possibilities, but somewhere along the line it had come off course, and he didn't know how to get it back on track, or even if he wanted to go on that journey anymore.

His teammates had bullied him, called him hurtful names and physically hurt him. He knew he hadn't enjoyed it, so stopped it from continuing.

But, most of all, what had messed up his head most was that there had been a mixture of enjoyment and upset. He knew there were parts of the session that had turned him on, but other parts that had made him feel worthless, humiliated and unwanted, and he didn't want to feel those emotions again.

But the trouble was how to unpack the session and those feelings and emotions and figure out how to find a path forward where he could pinpoint what he liked. It was all too much for him and he just felt disgusted at himself, believing there was something messed up inside him for liking these kinds of kinks. It made him feel trapped inside his head and the embarrassment of the situation had made him retreat back into himself and lock himself away in his room.

Two weeks later he was still there, wallowing in the intrusive thoughts that he couldn't escape.

He sighed as the thoughts swirled in his head, like they always seemed to these days. Better to not think about it, he decided as he walked back to bed, pulling the covers over himself. Better to just shut it all out, just as he had his life, his rugby team, his work, his friends. He had pulled some sickies at work and then asked to use some annual leave, but he couldn't do that forever.

His phone buzzed again - his coach. The man hadn't stopped calling since Dan hadn't shown up to multiple rugby practices. He was clearly worried about Dan, leaving lengthy voicemails asking if he was ok; if something had happened; had the lads been mean to him; just wanting to check in on him and talk.

Dan had listened to the messages, but it hadn't lifted his spirit, and he didn't have the strength to call him back, or even reply with a message. It felt like a limb of his was missing. Rugby was his passion, but he couldn't muster any energy to attend a session, especially when Eric, Tyler, Leo and Ronan would be there, laughing and sniggering at him for what had gone down at Eric's.

He held his head and squeezed as he thought of the idea of them pointing and jeering at how pathetic he was.

None of them had gotten in contact with him, had said they were sorry or asked if he was ok. But other lads from the team - Pete, Martin and Felix - had dropped him messages saying they missed him and wondered when he would be back or would he like to go for a pint - but he hadn't responded. He felt bad; they seemed to truly care for him.

The whole world seemed to be looking out for him, but he just couldn't get out of his head. He felt trapped within it, stuck with the suffocating thoughts and anxieties over who he was and how people would perceive him if they knew what he was into - if he ever figured out what it was exactly he liked.

Then there was Isaac. Sweet, dependable Isaac, who had continued to check in on him every day the past few weeks. He had known something was wrong when Dan had stormed into the house after the session at Eric's and slammed his bedroom door shut.

Isaac had sat outside Dan's room for what felt like hours, asking his housemate what had happened, if he was ok, had the lads done something to him.

Dan had just told him to go away and leave him in peace. His housemate had refused to do so, knocking on the locked door and talking to him anyway, sitting there for ages.

And then as the days went on Dan found snacks at his door - sandwiches, chocolate, fruit - whenever he opened it along with toilet roll and other necessities he may have needed. It broke Dan's heart every time he opened the door to see another thoughtful gift lying there as he knew Isaac was looking out for him. He was giving him the space he needed, but also wanted to make sure he knew he was there to support him.

Now, lying there in his bed, Dan thought about how he had looked in the mirror - a shadow of himself. His mind went to all the messages he had gotten from his friends, his teammates, his coach. Most of all he thought about the food Isaac had left at his door daily, of Isaac sitting on the other side of the door for hours on end, talking to Dan without any reply back, of Isaac's unwavering support of his friend.

He knew there were good people in his corner, willing to be there for him, as they already had done so amazingly. He realised he had to get out of his bed, there was a life to live, no matter how messy and how unknown it was, he needed to try at least.

His door creaked as he opened it and emerged into the bright hall, the light blinding his eyes as if he were emerging from a cave after a long winter hibernation.

He made his way down the hallway and into the living area. Isaac was sitting there watching TV.

Dan could smell freshly made coffee, and there were birds chirping outside the window.

Isaac sat up as soon as Dan entered, his eyes large circles in surprise. He muted the programme he had been watching.

'Hey,' Dan croaked, looking at the floor.

'Hey. You're a sight for sore eyes,' Isaac said gently, putting a careful cheer into his tone.

'Yeah. Sorry I've been a bit of a hermit.'

'That's ok. Are you ... alright?' Isaac kept his face neutral.

'Umm, yes ... and no. But I want to get better,' Dan said. 'Can we talk?' he asked.

'Of course,' Isaac said, scooting up on the couch and Dan sat down.

Dan explained all that had happened at Eric's, his thoughts, his feelings, his anxieties, his identity crisis.

Isaac kept quiet, nodding along and prompting his housemate with reassurances and hugs at the right moments to allow Dan the space to say everything he needed to.

Dan poured everything out he had been holding in. It was messy and out of order but he could feel his spirit lift as he said it. They continued for hours, just talking and listening; tears flowing, anger releasing and laughter escaping.