Virginia Bluebells

Western Virginia 1860

My musings grew quite loud, resulting in a sleepless night wondering what Anna was doing in her room down the hall. She'd been staying at our family home for a month over the summer while working on her novel taking place in rural Virginia. My Papa knew her father from the Union Presbyterian Seminary and they currently resided in Richmond out east. Anna was two years younger than me at twenty-five, but she acted as if she'd lived a full life already at such a tender age. When she arrived at our doorstep, I felt like a bucket of cold water had been poured over my head. My body trembled and every sense was heightened as though darkness loomed around the corner.

Oh, she was so beautiful in her fancy dress and perfect chignon of gold. It made me feel rather lifeless in my unkempt hair and rolled up sleeves. But she never once acted above her raisin. Shortly after arriving, she rolled up her own sleeves and began helping Mama and I in the kitchen. I asked her when she found the time to write her book, to which she replied that she felt most inspired late in the night.

Our voices were so very different from one another. Where I spoke with the inflection of someone from the mountains, she had a softer tone that resembled laying your head on the pillow after a particularly onerous day. Before I had any time to feel insecure about it, she stopped me to say that my voice was as colorful as a double rainbow in the sky. I'm sure I couldn't hide the red in my cheeks.

But then again, I was always so very flushed in her presence. It was like my words jumbled up inside my throat before I had a chance to say them, though she was patient when I struggled to articulate my thoughts. At first, I wondered if perhaps it was a case of desperately wanting to be her friend, but she offered that upon arriving. I pushed it away for as long as I could before realizing it was more than that. I was utterly, hopelessly infatuated with her.

After I accepted my feelings, I began to notice some things: the shape of her mouth when she spoke, the rise and fall of her bosom as she laughed, or even the never ending glint that lived inside her viridescent eyes. I noticed these things as though they were secrets that Mama or Papa or even my brother George didn't see-they were just for me to discover.

The day my brother invited Anna on a walk, I watched them from my window with an uncomfortable pit of melancholy in my stomach. I was quite envious, though it didn't occur to me that I could invite her on one as well. But the prospect of doing so frightened me to my very core, like somehow I wouldn't be able to contain the newfound sweetness I had for our guest. She must have picked up on it, because a few days later she suggested we go down to the river. I grabbed my bonnet before she could even finish talking-I'm sure I made a fool of myself.

When we made our way outside the village, we strode alongside the water speaking of unimportant things. That is, until she asked me if I had any plans for marrying. When I expressed disinterest, she said, "But you're so very fetching. Any man would be fortunate to have you as his bride."

I didn't respond as I could think of nothing to say, but she continued.

"You know Caroline, being here over these last couple weeks, I've noticed you in a certain way that's been very beneficial to my story. The way you laugh, the way you speak, the natural shine of your chestnut hair... it's like hearing a song that moves me. And your soft features are much too beautiful to not write about-I reckon you could say you've become my muse."

I admit, I had to break away from her gaze for a few moments. The only thing I could think of in response was telling her I wished to hear some of her other writings. She smiled and thought about it before asking me to visit her in her room after settling in for bed. My heart burst into flames and I sharply inhaled, which she found to be humorous. When I finally gathered the courage to accept her invitation, she took my arm and we continued walking along the path.

That night, after I'd undressed, I paced in my bedroom doubting whether or not I misheard her. I knew I didn't, but something in me prevented me from stepping out into the hallway. I washed my face over the basin and took a few deep breaths, suddenly becoming incredibly aware that I would see Anna wearing only my chemise, but I didn't want to keep her waiting. With a final exhale, I left my room and tiptoed down the hall until I reached her door. Following a brief knock, she answered and ushered me inside.

The spare room was simple, but it held something I didn't have in mine-a beautiful writing desk with cabriole legs. She had obviously been working, as her lamp sat on top of the mahogany next to a thick stack of papers scribbled on in pen.

"Did I interrupt you?" I asked.

She grabbed a journal and motioned for me to follow her. "Not at all! Come lay down next to me and I'll read to you."

The bed wasn't large by any means and was intended for one person, meaning our shoulders touched by the time we went under the covers. When she inquired what I wished to hear, I had to ask her to repeat herself, as the sound of my pulse echoed inside my head. But I told her to read me whatever she was comfortable with and I would be an enthusiastic audience.

To my surprise, she began a poem that nearly brought a tear to my eye. It was about a woman crying out to God for his help as she navigates the expectations of her family. It was so heartbreaking and beautiful at once. When she finished, she looked towards me for a reaction.

"Anna, that was remarkable," I exclaimed. "The feelin's that arose in my chest can't be described in words. Just know I'm in awe of you."

Anna chuckled and asked if I wanted her to continue, to which I begged her to do so. I felt my head drift onto the pillow, and I watched her recite more until I could hardly keep my eyes open. I smiled as she closed her book and laid down to face me with equally tired eyes.

"I reckon that's enough for one night. Will you visit me again soon? Perhaps it's my ego, but I love to share my work with others."

I felt my body quiver and gave a nod. "Of course, I'd love to."

After holding my gaze for a few moments, Anna placed a hand on my cheek. It was soft and warm like the bread Mama made. "I'm glad I came here this summer," she whispered. "And I don't just mean because I've completed most of my novel."

Her stare was dark and intense in the dim light of the lamp. At her touch, I felt myself holding my breath, but her words provided fresh air to my lungs before speaking. "I'm glad you're here as well. We all are-myself and my family. But... especially me." I placed my shaking hand over the one on my face and stroked it with a few fingers.

Anna bit her lip and looked as if something inside was begging to come out, but she stayed silent while staring into my soul. Eventually I knew it was time to go, and I cleared my throat to break the tension. I bid goodnight and climbed out of her bed, waiting until I returned to my room before groaning at the complexities of this very ambiguous relationship.

But following that night, I'd visit Anna at her request and lay next to her while she read to me. Sometimes I couldn't follow along as I'd be anticipating her finishing, knowing we'd lie down next to one another. After a few nights, she'd grown more emboldened to touch me, which I received with pleasure. What began as a hand on the cheek turned to fingers tracing the bare skin of my neck and shoulder. I mostly stayed still and smiled at her tenderness, but then I could no longer restrain myself.

Over a week after our first reading, her hand snuck under the sleeve of my chemise as we lay across from each other. Feeling encouraged, I placed my own hand on her waist and pulled her close enough for our noses to touch. She gasped and held an intense regard. I wasn't exactly sure what I was intending, meaning we laid there with our arms around one another breathing heavily not knowing what the other was thinking.

Anna looked away and stuttered as she spoke. "I-I... can't."

I shook my head and released her from my hungry grip. It was a foolish idea in the first place. "I'm sorry, I ain't sure what came over me," I muttered. I'll never forget her look of terror as if I had cornered her during a moment of trust. I sat up and threw off the covers. "I'll go now." There was no response, no protest, only fearful eyes that followed me as I crept out into the hallway.

I admonished myself incessantly over the next few days as Anna kept her distance. She still helped Mama and I in the kitchen and spent time with Papa discussing literature in his study, but it was clear she wanted minimal interaction with the girl who turned an intimate-and innocent-moment quite lustful.

A few days later, I was taking down bed sheets from the line in the backyard after the sun had dipped below the horizon. They were fastened with wooden clothespins that were tossed into a bucket when removed. I heard the back door open followed by a quiet voice.

"May I talk to you?"

My heart squeezed inside my chest, like the hand of Kratos enclosed it. I swallowed my overwhelming sense of dread and turned around.

"Of course you can talk to me, I ain't runnin' from you." I continued my chore as she approached.

"I know it feels as if I've been running from you," she said. "But that would be far from the truth.

I kept my eyes on the sheet and unclipped the pins as she continued.

"The truth is, I've been running from sentiments that frighten me. They ain't familiar-and they're quite formidable, but I've thought about it, and that doesn't mean they're wrong."

She followed me as I finished folding the sheet and moved down the line, my eyes much too hesitant to meet hers.

"Caroline, whatever it is that you feel for me, I feel it as well. I've felt it since the moment I stepped foot inside your house. The other night when you brought me close to you-I just-I ain't sure, something in me surfaced and I wasn't able to act on it before you left-I'm sorry. And now I'm to return home in a matter of days. I'd be devastated if I wasn't honest with you before returning to Richmond."

I reached the final sheet and put my hand on the first pin, but it remained still as I bowed my head for a moment to think. She was saying all the right words, but I felt doubtful of the entire situation. The bedsheet fluttered in the warm breeze but didn't allow light to pass though its fabric from the window of the kitchen. Being on its dark side made me feel like a star in the shadow of a crescent moon-entirely invisible.

"Look at me," sighed Anna.

I stared at the lush grass at our feet now overcome with conflicting thoughts.

Anna moved closer until we were both draped in the blueness of a cloudless night swallowing us whole. "Caroline, look at me!"

I reluctantly lifted my head towards her direction. "What are you tryin' to say?"

Clenching her jaw as if to muster up courage, Anna took another step. Our eyes fixated on one another, the tension suddenly on the verge of finding relief. She placed her hands against my cheeks and creased her brows like she was giving in to something that had kept her from finding restful sleep. I gripped her waist and pressed our foreheads together, hoping for the possibility that my thoughts could be heard.

And in a heartbeat, Anna brought my lips to hers, our indecency hidden from the house by a dancing sheet. I'd always wondered if my first kiss would result in feeling something, and as Anna's tongue slipped into my mouth, I felt the universe shudder with elation.

After a few moments, she pulled away and licked my taste off her lips. Her breath was shaky but her eyes remained lost in mine. "Come to my room tonight?"

I had no words but simply nodded. When she backed away and headed into the house, I clutched my chest as though the pounding threatened to break through my skin. But I felt an aching under my skirt that responded to Anna's touch and an itching in my hands that needed to hold her against me again. I quickly took down the sheet and counted down the hours until the house had retired to bed.

Undressing was quick and performed with too much enthusiasm. While washing my face, I tried to leave my anxieties behind knowing my advances would no longer be denied. But it still frightened me.

When I entered Anna's room, I settled in as usual, albeit somewhat tense. She crawled into bed next to me and looked at the wall as she spoke.

"Do you wish for me to read to you?"

After I didn't respond, her eyes slowly met mine and I shook my head. She laid down and stared at me for a few moments before bringing her hand to my cheek like she had done so on that first night. I slipped my hand over her waist and brought her closer, waiting to see how she'd react now that we had kissed.

She studied my face as her fingers traced my cupid's bow before becoming lost in my loose chignon. "How very alluring you are in this light," she whispered.

I smiled-a small and almost tearful smile that only came with the openness of a very guarded heart. "I could say the same of you. Then again, I find you bewitching in any light."

With a chuckle, Anna kissed me deeply and moved closer. We kept our lips together for what felt like hours, running our hands along each other's clothed body. I craved more but didn't want to risk disrupting what we had. When my jaw couldn't possibly continue, I reluctantly admitted that perhaps it was time for bed.

"Will you return tomorrow?" she asked.

I agreed with contained glee and wished her a well restful slumber. The next night was more of the same-we laid side-by-side and kissed as passionately as we could offer, growing increasingly more wet-or at least, I was. Again, I was desperate to go further, but apprehension weighed heavily on my mind. However, when Anna asked me to come by again, I knew there was a chance she felt the same.

On that third night, as we began kissing, a sudden surge of fervor came over me and I moved on top of her. When my lips found her neck, she let out a moan I hadn't heard yet. It caused a steady pulse to form between my legs where I could feel myself growing slick. My knee thrusted into her, and her breaths grew quite sharp. Feeling brazen, I slipped my hand under her chemise and gripped her thigh in an attempt to show her my desires. After an intense few minutes of heavy sighs, she laid me on my back to sit atop my waist.

Her chemise had been bunched up and I could feel how wet she was against my covered stomach. She placed her hands on my chest and began to rock her hips back and forth. It was clearly gratifying for her, as she closed her eyes and moaned. I placed my hands on her hips and assisted her movements, my eyes enthralled with her display of using my body for pleasure.

But there was no finish, and eventually she leaned forward for an exhausted kiss that ended with both of us staring at the ceiling while we considered what just happened. After this night, Anna only had one more remaining in western Virginia. It made my chest feel as though it burst into a million pieces knowing I might never see her again, but I didn't let it show, and I grabbed her hand next to me. After a while, there was still no speaking from either of us, so I sat up and kissed her softly before finding the floorboards with my feet. Usually she'd invite me for the following night, but there was no invitation. Only a soft goodbye was uttered and I left with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

When I woke up the next day, I thought perhaps she'd ask me to visit at some point, but she spent most of the afternoon outside the house working on her novel. By the time I watched her go up to her room in the evening, I nearly broke out in tears in the parlor wondering what I'd done wrong. She was avoiding me and it hurt like a red hot dagger in my flesh.

As I laid in bed and pondered what she could possibly be doing, the sinking feeling from the night before turned sour. I knew she was awake and it killed me that she'd leave without final words said in private. The internal debate that ensued had me torn between two sides. I sat up and rubbed fists in my eyes hoping the resulting stars would give me the answer, but there was nothing given, and suddenly I knew I had to be brave.

I walked down the hallway and hesitated before knocking. But after a soft rap, the door opened and Anna sighed before inviting me inside. She crawled into bed, but I chose to sit on the edge instead of joining her. After staring for a few moments, I spoke in a hushed voice.

"Why must you leave me like this? Did I do somethin' to offend you?"

Anna sighed again and brought a hand to her temple. "No, Caroline. Quite the opposite really. I knew spending one more night together after yesterday would make it much more painful for me to leave. But I was being selfish and I didn't know how to tell you. To be candid, I've been sitting here half-hoping you'd knock on my door."

I grabbed her hand and moved closer. "It's to be painful either way-I ain't lookin' forward to it. And... I don't wish to spend your last night apart, but if it's what you need, I'll go."

"No," said Anna. She tightened her grip in my hand. "Please stay. I'm glad you came. I think I shall die if I don't kiss you once more before returning to Richmond. I wish to sear it into my memory."

A small smile formed on my lips and I inched closer, studying her face like I was examining the colors of a bluebell along the creek. It was just as delicate and vibrant as the flower that could turn an ocean of green into a sea of purple. My hand left the comfort of hers and traced the bone in her cheek before resting on the side of her neck. I brought her close to me and focused on the intoxicating flicker of the lamp's flame in her dark eyes.

When our lips met, she grabbed onto the cotton front of my chemise, her sighs now sounding content. This was all so familiar to us now, like a morning cup of coffee after waking. But suddenly she pushed me away and returned both hands to her side.

I hesitated to speak and watched in suspense as she slowly tugged at her garment and pulled it over her head. Without a word, she laid down and offered a seemingly nervous, but unbroken gaze.

The sight of her bare figure took my breath away. It was like stepping out into a beautiful-yet deceiving-day that encases the lungs in frost with every inhale. I climbed onto the bed and hovered over her, my hand running from her thigh to the softness of her belly. In a moment of confidence, I pulled my chemise off and stayed above her, feeling her fingertips discover parts of me gone unseen. But after a moment, her touch drew me into her, allowing our bodies to feel the warmth of each other as our kisses deepened.

I could hardly restrain myself. My mouth left hers and found the faint pink of her nipples, which were firm and sensitive to my tongue. I could hear quiet moans that returned the aching between my legs. Not knowing exactly what I was doing, I let my limbs act on their own. My hands traced her curves as the kisses moved to her pelvis, and as I grew close to her throbbing sex, she trembled and gasped. The moment I tasted her, I knew I would never forget the scent of her arousal. It resembled the muskiness of damp earth but was sweet like blackstrap molasses. I couldn't help but bring a hand to my own wetness, as I was now pulsating.

Anna pressed me into her and her breathy words begged me not to stop. Her hips lifted off the mattress and I traced the shape of her posterior with shaking fingers. When she grew close, her gasps became sharp until it was nothing but a low groan followed by limpness.

I pressed my body against hers once again and kissed her feverishly as she recovered. After bosoms calmed in pace, my face nuzzled into her neck and our legs entwined. I felt such an outpouring of affection for this woman and perhaps things would've been better left unsaid, but I couldn't help myself.

"Do you reckon it's possible for me to feel so strongly for you after only a month?"

Anna kissed my forehead and ran hands along the length of my back. "Yes-because I feel the same."

I lifted my eyes and ensured hers were open. Mine began to sting and I blinked away emerging tears. "Perhaps this feelin' is fleetin', but there's a part of me that knows it's real." The consequential words rose from deep within and settled on my tongue, but they were held inside for a few moments behind quivering lips.

"Anna, I lov-"

"Dont," she whispered, covering my mouth with a hand. "Please don't say it. For your sake and mine. Just kiss me again."

I gave a heavy exhale, but my desire to continue our tryst outweighed any lingering thoughts. We kissed amorously in each other's arms until Anna pushed me on my back and spread her legs over my waist like the night before. But this time, there was no fabric between us, and I could feel the extent of her excitement.

My hand drifted from her thighs to her breasts, which brought me into a sitting position with her on my lap. I felt her fingers slide down my chest until she was between my legs massaging the ache that formed there. She began slowly, and my eyes closed as I drowned in her touch. My breaths became short and hot while she worked faster, and a buzzing in my head intensified. She threw her other hand over my neck and kissed me like she did that first time-full of hunger and want. I felt her lick the tip of my tongue like it was made of sugar causing me to quiver with ecstacy. When she slipped in two fingers, I groaned and gripped her backside as if she could anchor me from floating away. The sensation of her touching me deeper than ever before caused the buzzing to become nearly deafening. My ears rang and my mouth stopped responding to kisses as all it could do was moan. When I felt a climax emerge, Anna covered my lips once more to ensure a quiet finish. It came in waves that washed over me like hills within the Shenandoah Valley. As it concluded, I laid back down and covered my flushed face with both arms.

I could feel the softness of Anna's lips beginning at my navel and kissing their way up to my chest. "Are you done," she asked quietly.

My hands found her cheeks above me and I shook my head.

"Good," she said. "I want to feel you inside me."

Galvanized by her request, I sat up and directed her towards the footboard where she leaned against the top rail facing away from me. My hands slipped down her back and around her front while I positioned myself behind her. After a delicate kiss on the nape of her neck, I noticed the appearance of goose pimples along her shoulders.

"You're to make me beg for it," whined Anna. Her slender arms began to shake.

I gave a light chuckle in her ear. "Please do."

After a groan, she bent forward against the mattress and scratched the wood she clung to. "I need to know how you feel so that when I touch myself, I can imagine it to be you."

I wasn't expecting that. My wandering hands took a pause and I felt a moment of weightlessness. But then I found myself teasing her opening with a few fingers that I intended to insert. She gave a noise of approval and raised her backside higher towards me. I grabbed her hip as I entered her and began to thrust with care. After a minute, I moved faster and leaned against her back that was glistening with beads of sweat.

Her moans were different this time, like I was evoking a feeling within her from somewhere that had never been released before now. She moved into my hand and gathered a fistful of bedsheets to bite down on. I could feel her finish and her release was a cry subdued by cotton between the teeth.

When I withdrew my hand, I laid back down and watched her as she relaxed her body. Her fingers let go of the footboard and dropped above her head. We looked like a painting displaying the aftermath of Sapphic bliss. After some time, she finally returned across from me, and we looked at one another like we had done so many nights before.

Anna's hand swept across my breast and stomach while mine was tucked underneath my cheek. When she finally spoke, it came out almost without sound.

"Are you too tired to kiss me?"

"Never," I replied. "Come here."

She brought herself close to me and pressed her lips hard against mine. Her kiss seemed to energize me and I so wished there was some way I could've heard the inner whisperings of her lungs. Her hand grabbed mine to guide it to the hair between her legs and a moan entered my mouth as I began to rub with a few fingers. Suddenly I felt her doing the same to me, and I panted like a parched dog.

We were a mess of parts touching and kissing and pressing against each other. Between everything that had happened, this proved itself to be the most intimate. I felt another apex rising and the sound of her moans led me to believe she too, was close. Our mouths stayed still as our hands worked in tandem, sharing grunts and whimpers as tokens of our impending shared climax. When it happened, I held my tongue so as to not wake the house, while she shuddered quietly.

And thus our final night together was nearing its finale. We trembled in each other's arms with our eyes closed and I tried not to think of the next morning. Eventually I heard a whisper.

"Caroline."

"Hmm?" I asked with a dreamy air.

Her hand rubbed my back while the other held my head to her bosom. It was so comforting, like a mother attending to a sickly child.

"I love you too."

The sting returned to my eyes, but they did not open to reveal it. I simply tightened my grip around her waist and wished for the world to stop for just a few moments.

When I returned to my bedroom, I lay awake and smiled. Despite the devastation of Anna leaving, she had gifted me something I never thought I'd hold in my possession. Perhaps we'd see each other again someday in another season. I held onto that shred of hope and used it to lull me into a deep sleep like a lullabye.

In the morning, a stagecoach pulled up to our home to take Anna back to Richmond. After the coachman tied down her luggage, she turned to say goodbye to our family. First to Papa, then Mama, then George, and I was last. When she embraced me, I could feel remnants of our passion from the night before in the space between us. She took my hands and asked me to come visit her before the winter, to which I agreed without a thought. Not wanting to spend any more time caught up in the loving gazes between one another, she let go and promised to write as soon as she returned home.

I watched her climb into the stagecoach and wave to us before heading out of the village-leaving me completely shattered. When she was out of sight, I felt a sudden cascade of tears forming and quickly ran inside to escape into my bedroom. As the door shut behind me, I cried into my hands only to discover-and suffer-the true nature of heartbreak. It hurt like a constant rumbling of thunder in my chest. Hiding this from my family would prove to be a test of strength.

After wiping my eyes, I looked towards my bed to see something left against the pillow. My head gave a tilt as I approached and reached for it.

It was Anna's journal that she never finished reading to me. I voiced a gasp and felt my heart break all over again. Opening the cover, I sat down and flipped through her work, promising myself not to rush through it all at once. When I got to the last page, I noticed a fresh poem that had been dated the week before. I bit my lip as I read the title, and for a moment, it felt like everything would be all right.

I laid back and read "Enraptured by a Virginia Bluebell" while my fallen tears began to dry.