Chicken Fucker

Hey, she says.

Hey chicken fucker, I reply.

Mmmmm..... she says.

She likes me pointing out that I've seen her slide a raw uncooked chicken leg up her cunt, who wouldn't. If you've committed such an act wilfully, in an excited state.

She did.

I told her once I can be very dominant, she said she needs that. But it needs to be freaky, she said. She wants to get weird, she said. Good words.

I (maybe a little lazily.... maybe I wasn't feeling too inspired on that day) asked her to take a photo of the inside of her fridge for me. Il see what I can work with.

Mmmm ok hang on.

The wait. I don't want to disappoint her, so I start thinking what there might be. Start mentally preparing some ideas so I can be quick. Sauces will be good. Butter. Do Americans call butter butter? Not a time to start asking her about that.

I imagine her running to her fridge with maybe just a dressing gown on. A fat ginger haired girl who wants to cover herself in food. Odd.

The few rapid fire message exchange halts longer than I thought necessary.

Slave?

I'm here. Sorry.

It's ok. Do you have any butter?

Mmmmm. I have tartar sauce.

I do one of those powerful inner laughs, when life seems so ridiculous and absurd and it's my own doing and I'm eternally grateful for the madness. Positive energy. Nobody getting hurt. All consent. Just odd. Why shouldn't we take scented candles to beaches and sit quietly sniffing getting drunk listening to music by ourselves? I never leave any rubbish behind. No harm done.

Tartar sauce. Amazing. You're going to cover your cunt in that then for me yes?

Of course daddy.

You please me, my child.

In this life I have been the father to hundreds of woman. I must be a terrible father, as most of them only ever talk to me when they are telling me something to do with their fannies. None ever ask me for life advice. As if I could give it. A fuck up approaching 40 in debt for a massively unsuccessful business venture I attempted some years ago.

What else do you have in there? Sausages? Any meat?

She said she wanted it to be freaky. A banana or cucumber would be too boring for this crazy fatty.

Oh god daddy yes I've got some chicken in the freezer, il use that.

Aw how strange! Lovely! I've never seen a girl slide a chicken inside herself before. A first time for everything.

Mmm good girl. A chicken leg?

Yes daddy. Let me put it in the microwave, I want it to be all slimy and gross.

Another of the inward absurdity howls. She's jumped up in to the heady heights of my all time favourite weirdos. Along with the girl who loved tongue fucking her cats arsehole (the times since speaking to her I've worried.... does she know cat shit has the power to blind you?! Does it?! Is that actually a fact?!) and the girl who worked at the fair ground who would.... ah, another time.

So I picture her there in her kitchen. Taking the chicken from the freezer. Pushing the buttons on the microwave. Her cunt tingling at the weirdness of it all.

I'm going to video call you as I do it. I'm going to lay on the kitchen table.

Fucks sake. A video call? I didn't want to have to show my face in this. I wanted to remain some weird faceless load of encouraging words. Still, I'm not really having to do anything right now. I just lay here tapping the words into my phone for her. Fine, the one small sacrifice.

Strangely, it feels like a very contemporary manifestation of the gender divide that was so prevalent in my parents time. The woman in the kitchen slaving away, the fat man sat on his fat arse doing nothing.

So far I'd managed to dodge the video call issue by telling her I was in work so I could only message her. Not video call. But all this chicken talk. I said il sneak to the bathroom so we can do it.

Lies. To a chicken fucker. Worrying about her feelings from the start, the fact I can't be arsed video calling. She shouldn't take it personally.

Well, I've told her I'm in work and shall go to the bathroom. But I'm at home in my room and will have to go to the bathroom next door. The bathroom is nice. It has a nice ruffly rug on the floor. It has ornaments in it. Nobody would ever see these things in the background of a video and think that is the bathroom cubicle of a work place. Fucks sake. She wouldn't care, I know this. But still.

I've managed to pop back home, I only live next door to where I work. Let me know when you want me to video call.

Fantastic. Those words won't even register in her brain. Complete throw away shit when her mind is on much more exciting matters. The lie is gone. Now just the truth between us. Good. It does mean she has to see my face though. Ah well. It's just my eyes.

Chicken and tartar sauce. Not a done thing at all. No Michelin chef would ever approve.

Ok daddy, I'm ready.

A quick check how my face is going to look on my phone, holding it at an angle so as to hide my double chin. Jesus. I am a complete mad man. Ok. I call.

She's propped her camera up so I can see her whole body. It's huge. She's completely naked and has a couple of things placed around her. The jar of tartar sauce and a dish, within which the contents I can't quite see, but I assume is the chicken.

Can you hear me ok? I say quietly into the microphone on my headphones. It's afternoon here and I worry my housemates might hear me through the walls. Through the floorboards. So I speak as quietly as I can. But she wants to be directed in all of this. So I have to check if she can hear me. Though it seems a very boring beginning to the conversation on my part, it is necessary.

She nods an exaggerated nod with a huge mad grin on her face.... oh ofcourse, she likes pretending to be a kid. I forgot about that.

So you're going to do as you're told for daddy little girl?

The same gesture. Massive weird child like nod. It sort of repulses me and I feel sorry for her in some weird way. But it's my duty to see this through now.

Cover your cunt in the tartar sauce little girl.

I've not finished the sentence and her hand goes into the jar. The jar is small. Her hand is fat. She can only get a couple of fingers in. She gives up straight away and just tips the whole jar over her cunt. The thought of how wasteful that is pops through my mind momentarily, though maybe not. An experience like this will stay with you, eating some fish with cheap tartar sauce on the side, not exactly a memory that will stay with you for long. It will have been cheap. Just now, be wasteful, my child. Not a time to be thinking about the starving.

The tartar sauce dollops down over her totally hairless pink pussy. A beefy clit. It does look good actually. She rubs it frantically and does that weird face that some girls think turns guys on at the moment..... it comes from some Japanese anime thing I think. They go cross eyed and open their mouths as wide as they can. It looks completely ridiculous. I keep saying 'fuck' into the microphone.... encouragingly. As if I can't believe my eyes. I can't really. But maybe not in the way she's hoping. It's just all madness to me.

She squirts all over. I forget she said she does that. Her cunt is a mess of tartar sauce and her juices.

What a dirty little girl you are aren't you? She'll like that. I think.

The big nod. Her tongue out resting on her bottom lip. Is she pretending to be a dog now? I've spoke to some girls who like to pretend to be animals.

One girl recently asked if I wanted to see her fart. Not really, I had to say back. Oh. It really turns me on to fart for guys. Hmmmmm well. I can give it a go for you but it's really not my thing. Ok thank you. I can feel one coming. Hold on, I need to take my tail out of my arsehole for you. Humanity. Behind closed doors. All this wiring. Bound to result in private madness. She's a poet, the animal girl. I don't really like her stuff. All about her ex-boyfriend. I said it reminds me of Sylvia Plath, though it didn't really. I don't know enough poets. I'm yet to get into it as an art form.

Is it time for the chicken little girl?

The big silly nod and the tongue flopping about. She doesn't talk much? Strange to see a huge woman sat on her kitchen table naked being as weird as can be, but not saying a word? She's said 'yes daddy' a couple of times.

The chicken leg comes from the dish. The fact she said she wanted it to be slimy, I curiously stare at it wondering how it's going to look. I can't tell how slimy it is from here. Doesn't really matter. It's a chicken leg.

She starts to rub it across that beefy clit of hers. Accelerating the action until another big squirt comes shooting out of her all over the table. Messy. I wonder how she'll feel tidying up after all this. She seems completely eccentric. I bet she'll have that big crazy smile on as she's wiping the table clean. Not even phased by the madness of it all. I like her mind. It's interesting.

Are you going to slide the chicken leg inside yourself little girl?

She nods. I'm just following the motions now. Of course that question was coming. She nods but just keeps rubbing it on her clit. Moaning. I wonder wether to say 'well?' but she's enjoying herself, so I just watch some more. Occasionally saying 'fuck'. Does that feel good little girl? The nod. She's not going to slide it inside herself. All good. I'm not going to force her to do it. I know, I know, I'm meant to be dominating her. Really I shouldn't take no as an answer. But somehow all this seems enough. My mind is skimming through the last of the ideas I have for weird stuff she could do. Of course, the arse hole. This will be my last request. I give up after this.

I think something needs to go in your other hole little girl.

Her eyes open wide in an apparent jolt of excited surprise.

Mmmmm daddy!

She bends to her side. Lifting her arse just a little off the table. A lazy movement. She's really a very fat woman. It means I don't get to see her arsehole, but I can see she's doing something to it.

What are you going to fuck your arsehole with little girl?

I'm always conscious of the way I say the word arsehole to Americans. We spend a little longer saying arse, for the r. They say ass. Quicker. So I usually end up trying to say it the way they say it. And I feel weird for it. And wonder if they sense any of the little bit of weirdness on my part.

What you going to put in there little girl?

She's not going to attempt the chicken leg. She didn't dare put that in her cunt. From the looks of it all the tartar sauce is gone. She reaches behind her.... oh! Some chillies! Interesting! She kept those quiet!

I see her take 1 and rub it under her arse. It's the first time her face as conveyed something akin to confusion. A struggle of some kind.

I carry on with my steady hushed chorus of 'fuck's and 'good girl's.... whilst thinking, we must be close to the end. The face of confusion continues for a few seconds, then a sudden look of weird glee, she turns to the camera with big open eyes and a wide open mouth, the chilli is inside.

And now the chicken, I say.

I feel that might be my last instruction. I've had enough really now. She nods still smiling ecstatically and starts rubbing her clit with the chicken leg. What a mess.

I'm sorry. I began this thing saying I'd seen this girl slide a raw uncooked chicken leg inside herself. But as you can see, that was a bit of a lie. All good old madness though.

She does the weird fashionable Japanese manga wide cross eyed tongue out face 1 more time. I prey she squirts a last time so I can make my excuses and hang up. Odd, these sort of calls. It is acceptable to just hang up without saying bye. A good bye is never really expected. But I still feel bad. I can't do that.

So I tell her 'ah shit I need to get back to work soon I think missy'. There is a split second look of disappointment on her face. A rolling of her eyes. As if she's thinking 'what a waste of time you were'... though I feel it's a little unfair. This was a journey we endured together was it not? I have put effort in, in my own way. Don't hate me.

Before I can wonder whether to just hang up, the calls ended. How did that work? She didn't lean over to the phone? Her toe?! Maybe she had some special headphones plugged in with a button on the wire that means you can end calls with it. I've no idea.