That '90s Porno

"That '90s Porno"

By J. D. Savanyu

I'll never forget that crazy March night in Syracuse, a month after my eighteenth birthday in 1990-something. I was sitting in the living room as usual, watching The Simpsons while my 23 year-old sister was home from college on spring break, listening to lame bubble gum pop on the radio waves. Our mother was out working the night shift as a nurse at Community General Hospital, and her deadbeat ex-husband had long since dropped off the face of the earth (which partly explains why their kids have serious "issues.")

That classic animated sitcom was still in its irreverent prime. The Simpsons was the only TV comedy with no annoying studio audience or canned laugh track, long before Larry David and The Office proved the viability of that "let the home viewers decide what's funny" concept in non-animated sitcoms. The best episode of the season was playing that night. The one where Bart skips school, but Principal Skinner tracks him down in a crazy FBI-style manhunt through Springfield. It ended hilariously ten minutes later, followed by a rerun of the X-Files. The one about a supernatural monster that attacks people who break the strict landscaping rules of a snooty gated community. Both of those shows were still awesome, but the writers were starting to get lazy.

I grabbed the remote and surfed across all 35 cable channels (ah, the good ol' days!) eventually hitting the six additional premium channels my family couldn't afford to subscribe to. HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, and The Movie Channel... along with two 'adult' options: Playboy and Spice. The Playboy Channel had lots of softcore movies and sexy game shows or whatever. Meanwhile, the Spice kitchen cooked up nothing but zesty hardcore. Sucking, fucking, spanking, and creamy facial treatments galore.

The pictures on Playboy and Spice were "scrambled," just like the five non-smut premium channels. You could still hear those hot bunny babes on the Playboy Channel moaning and groaning while pretending to have sex with ripped hunks, but the Spice Channel was also completely muted before it was beamed up to an orbiting satellite. Those gorgeous Spice starlets got fucked for real 24/7, but I couldn't hear them shouting something like "Harder, baby! Just like that!" and I could barely make out their big jiggling tits whenever I tuned in for a few fleeting minutes behind my mother's and sister's backs. It was like trying to find a naked woman in one of those "Magic Eye" puzzles that were popular in 1990-something.

The Playboy Channel was currently broadcasting the AVN awards in Las Vegas. Two hours of silicon-enhanced porn stars yakking about "erotic artistry" with no visual nudity whatsoever. A completely stupid waste of time, just like the Grammys and Emmys. So I hit the CH. UP button one more time... and my jaw dropped open in complete and utter shock. The Spice transmission system had somehow glitched the feed into unscrambled glory, with full stereo sound! My favorite busty redhead porn star Kylie Ireland was buck nekked on that little square CRT television screen, riding a huge cock on an outdoor cliffside patio, moaning theatrically in pre-HD analog glory!

"Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!" I cheered madly, jumping for joy in front of the couch. "Are you fucking kidding me? Woo-hoooo!"

There's two big things you need to know to understand my jubilant "Powerball winner" reaction to unscrambled sex. First, I was a pathetic book geek wallflower with no love life whatsoever. Second, this happened before dial-up internet was widely available, when untasteful porn could only be purchased via the Spice Channel or at dingy "adult entertainment" stores in the worst part of town, far from the "respectable" neighborhood we lived in. (Or by mail from a printed catalog, but our uptight Catholic mother obviously wouldn't allow that.) I'd only caught a few brief glimpses of naked slutty vixens in the Swank and Cheri type magazines that a few rebellious students snuck into Bishop Grimes high school.

"What's wrong, Jake?" Becky shouted, bounding down the stairs. I was too excited to care if my sister knew I was watching hardcore porn. "Oh my god," she exclaimed, seeing Kylie getting freaky. "Is that..."

"The Spice Channel, somehow unscrambled! Free porn, sis!"

"Holy shit, indeed," she chortled, tossing her cute red pigtails. "Someone must have fallen asleep at the control panel, like Homer Simpson."

"Or maybe Homer is fucking some Spice skank on the control panel," I remarked. Kylie hopped off that big cock and shoved it in her mouth, performing energetic fellatio on a body builder who wore nothing but a 1960's-style fedora hat.

"God damn. I'm totally gonna sit down and watch this. It might get re-scrambled at any moment."

Becky plopped down on the couch, transfixed by the sexual spectacle. I laughed in awkward disbelief, but I knew she was far from the virginal princess Mom thought she was. I lost count of how many boyfriends that ginger hottie had in high school. She got a lot more action after graduation, while majoring in "communications" at Ohio State. Plenty of one-night dorm stands with sleazy Buckeyes. I sat down next to Becky, admiring Ireland's milky-white heart-shaped ass and trying like hell not to get a boner.

"Are you enjoying your blowjob, Handjob?" Kylie grunted.

"Fuck yeah, Miss Bond. I bet you blow all those other double agents down at MI6."

This was apparently a gender-flipping parody of vintage James Bond movies, turning James into Jamie and turning her nemesis Oddjob into Handjob. Kylie had better acting skills than most porn stars, so she was well-suited to the witty slutty spy role. I loved her bitchin' Irish attitude, with a bitchin' bod to match.

"Oh my god, that redhead is smokin' hot," Becky beamed.

"Totally," I murmured, watching her ass get smacked by Handjob. "If you got some breast implants and moved to Hollywood, you could be the next Kylie Ireland."

"No way, Jake," she giggled. "L. A. is a scary liberal hellhole, and I've heard too many horror stories about plastic surgeries gone wrong. Besides, my c-cups are fine just the way they are."

Much to my surprise, Becky took off her pink GUESS T-shirt, revealing her perky braless c-cups with pointy pink nipples.

"See?"

"Holy shit," I gasped, with my dick shooting right up to full mast.

"Damn right, boy," she giggled. "I bet these are the first pair of great tits you ever saw, in person."

"Uh... yeah," I murmured incredulously, with my eyes locked on her chest. "The first pair, great or otherwise."

"You're mamma's spoiled little virgin."

"You're mamma's spoiled little two-faced slut."

"Shut up, boy," she giggled, shoving me playfully on the couch. Meanwhile, Kylie hopped into a big bubbling hot tub with a great eagle's eye view of the San Fernando valley.

"Come on, Handjob. Fuck me hard, just like you fucked Octopussy," Kylie grunted, assuming the doggy-style position against the edge of the steaming whirlpool.

"Hell yeah, ya filthy Brit-bitch. You're on Her Majesty's Secret Service, but I'm on your ass."

He shoved that big dick through her anal sphincter, making her shriek in delight.

"Oooh yeah, that's some hot aquaphile action," Becky beamed. "But I'm not into butt stuff. I always take it up my pussy, like a real girl."

"Whatever floats your boat," I muttered distantly, distracted by Kylie's amazing wet ass. Glistening gloriously in the California sun, getting spanked repeatedly by a beefy third-rate parody of a cliché Bond villain.

"Fate gave us free porn, so we might as well get naked for it," Becky uttered naughtily. My heart nearly fluttered right out of my chest, and my dick nearly ripped right through the zipper.

"Are you fucking serious, sis?"

"Hell yeah, bro. I showed you my tits, so be a good sport and show me your pecker."

"Holy fuck," I chortled in complete incredulity. But her c'est la vie attitude was always highly contagious. Before I knew it, all of our clothes were strewn on the floor beneath that cheap-ass TV, on a cool March night in Central New York. I sighed in admiration at her red-haired pussy, and she sighed in admiration at my long twitching manhood.

"Nice dick, Jake. Such a waste to keep that all to yourself," she snickered.

"I'm waiting for my dream girl to come along."

"Fuck that 'dream girl' shit. You gotta grab the first decent girl you see, or else you'll be waiting forever."

"Whatever, you ginger skank," I grunted. "I don't want to end up like mom, getting ditched cold by some dead-end loser. Or being the one who does the ditching."

We fell into awkward silence, watching Jamie Bond getting fucked and spanked real good in a luxurious whirlpool that was big enough for ten porn stars. I loved the sound of Handjob's big strong hands whacking her pale soaked rump.

"Oh shit, you fuck me way better than Doctor No. Yes, yes, yeeesss!" Kylie shrieked.

"Oh my god, this hot tub scene is getting me so hot," Becky murmured throatily. Much to my surprise, she spread her legs and started masturbating right next to me!

"What are you doing, Becky?"

"What does it look like?" she moaned softly, working her clit in slow circles. "Don't act like a prude, boy. I know you've been jerking off every night to scrambled smut. I can hear those porn bitches moaning and groaning through the wall."

"You're fucking crazy, sis."

"It runs in the family, bro."

She kept rubbing her clit and finger-fucking her pussy, moaning in harmony with Kylie.

"Get my big cock back in your mouth, Jamie Bond," Handjob growled in the tub. "Nice and slow. I wanna make this 'interrogation session' last."

Kylie got down on her knees in the middle of the sloshing jacuzzi and fellated his huge evil member with her huge tits fully submerged. That "double feature" got me hornier and hornier, losing any sense of propriety. My right hand finally grabbed my throbbing penis, pumping up and down at a moderate pace.

"There you go, Jake. Feels great to let your freak flag fly, right?"

"Fuck yeah, Becky," I groaned at Kylie's pretty pale face on that little CRT screen. "You're just as hot as Kylie Ireland."

"I've been getting just as much dick as that porn bitch, at Ohio State," Becky beamed. "You better not tell mom, though."

"My lips are sealed, sis. Like a double agent with a dirty little secret."

My eyes darted back and forth between Becky's C-cups and Kylie's DDD's. My sister's vagina got wetter and wetter, and her moans got louder and louder.

"Oh shit, this is so fucking hot," she groaned. "I can't take it anymore. I want you to lick my pussy, Jake."

"Oh my god," I groaned toward the ceiling, drowning in desire and losing any sense of reason, just like her. "You cannot be serious," I added, imitating John McEnroe's famous tennis meltdown.

"Come on, it'll be good practice for when you finally get a girlfriend."

"Holy fuuuck," I groaned, but my reluctance was just a thin veneer covering a boiling volcano of desire. "Oh, what the hell. I've always wanted to sample my slutty sister."

I dropped to my knees on the floor and spread her legs wider, staring right at her awesome twat, framed by a shock of red pubic hair. My rational mind urged me not to lick it, but my irrational limbic brain quickly won out. My tongue hit those salty pink folds, making her squeal just like Jamie Bond.

"Oh shit, yes! Eat that pussy real good, boy!"

I ran my tongue in slow flicking laps around her outer labia, surging with intense desire from all those female pheromones, enhanced by a ridiculous sense of danger. Mom's shift didn't end until two o'clock in the morning, but what if there was a gas leak or something at Community General Hospital, and she came home early? We'd be screwed six ways from Sunday.

"Come on, eat my pussy hard. Like this."

She grabbed the back of my head and mashed my mouth firmly against her pudendum. I groaned loudly while slobbering those pink folds, making her groan louder in harmony with Jamie Bond.

"Good boy. That's the right way to do it, like a cunning linguist. You gotta show your girlfriend you really want her."

I kept licking and nibbling her labia while stroking my cock, feeling so fucking good. Then I focused my attention on her clit, sucking it like a tiny penis.

"Oh my god, that feels sooo good. You've learned a lot from this porn shit, even though it was scrambled."

I laughed awkwardly with my teeth clamped down on her clit. I reached up and squeezed her milky white breasts with both hands, loving how soft and supple they felt. I recalled my friend Cosmo Recuparo telling me "oral sex doesn't count as sex" during lunch at Bishop Grimes high school. (That macho opinion went mainstream later on during Lewinskygate.)

Soon I was the one who couldn't take it anymore. I pulled back and snarled at her face with abject desire.

"You better suck my big cock, Becky."

"You know I will, Jake. I've been starving for it at OSU."

She shoved my body face-up on the carpeted floor in front of the TV, then she pounced downward and jammed my johnson deep in her pretty mouth.

"Ohhh shiiiiiit," I growled toward the ceiling as Handjob growled toward the California sun. Becky gave really good blowjobs, having plenty of experience. Her mouth was pure hot velvety magic, twisting amazingly all the way up and down my thick prick.

"I'd been starving for this just as much, sis. I wish you went to Syracuse U. instead, so I could sneak out for your sweet blowjobs."

She whipped her head upward off my dick, making a loud funny poof sound. "I've been picturing your face every time I banged some Buckeye dude. I've never wanted any man more than you!"

Becky resumed her dirty task with incredible energy. Moaning and slurping loudly at a steady clip. She lifted up my balls and massaged my prostate while eating my long dick, making me groan louder. I grabbed her red pig tails with both hands, yanking her head back playfully just like our playground days.

"I'm gonna fuck you face up, ginger bitch!"

I pumped my penis right down her throat, gagging her over and over, purging plenty of repressed aggression. After years of getting bullied, I was finally the bully.

"Fucking choke on that big dick, you brother-fucking skank!"

"Errrrraaaaarrrrr!" she roared with a mouthful of meat. Her big green eyes were so damn beautiful, glaring up at my face while Kylie Ireland glared up at the camera with her equally hot Irish emeralds. A surreal erotic escapade, driving me crazier and crazier. Better than all those stupid softcore movies I secretly savored on the scrambled Playboy Channel and late night "Skinnymax." I kept face-fucking my sister to the brink of orgasm, then I pulled out and let go of her flaming pigtails.

"Oh my gaaahd," she groaned while catching her breath. "Fuck me in the pussy, boy!"

My jaw almost literally hit the floor, with my disbelief going through the roof. "Holy shit, Becky. You seriously wanna go all-in on this incest thing?"

"Just shut up and do it! I fucking need you."

She lay back on the floor in front of the TV, spreading her legs nice and wide. I gazed longingly at her dripping wet snatch, just as desperate for fulfillment.

"This is better than winning the Powerball," I snickered. "I'm gonna pound that pussy like James Bond in a Ferrari."

Throwing caution to the wind, I got down on the floor and rammed my rod right up her sweet honey-hole. I couldn't fucking believe I was losing my virginity to my sister on the living room floor, but I felt way too good to even consider stopping.

"Oh god, yes! Just like that!" she shrieked while Kylie got hammered against the metal railing that led down toward the hot tub. "Fuck the shit out of me, boy!"

"Stop calling me boy, bitch! I'm 18 now, and you still act like a dirty high school twat!"

I thrust away with reckless abandon, crashing my hips loudly against her ass cheeks, hitting the very back of her vagina over and over. Perfect enveloping silky warmth all over my manly cock, filling me with primal energy from head to toe. I smacked her ass hard with both hands, bullying that ginger bitch and loving every second of it.

"That's right, spank your naughty sister real good. Daddy was never around to set me straight."

"I'm you daddy now, bitch!"

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

"Oh fuck, that sting's going right up to my clit. Turn my milky ass red while you pound my pussy!"

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

She moaned and groaned and cursed louder with every spank, drowning out Kylie's cinematic sexual noises. I fucked her heart-shaped ass like a maniac in front of the couch where our mother always watched General Hospital before going out to work at a real hospital. I almost wanted Mom to come home early and see how freaky her children were behind their innocent honor roll facades. The sense of danger was ridiculously high, dialing the thrill factor up to 11.

"Oh my god, that feels so good! This is better than that time I banged five OSU football players at once."

"Fuck those douchebag 'image and likeness' wannabes. I'm blitzing your ass like Von Miller on Mahomes."

I smacked her posterior even harder, sending her to cloud nine. She soon reached an epic climax, screaming like hell and squirting five feet across the living room, soaking a pile

of Good Housekeeping magazines.

"Fuck yeah, ginger! Spray a gallon for your stud brother."

"Oooooooh fuuuuuuuuuck!" she growled gutturally. "Get your ass on the couch, Jake. I wanna ride that big dick like a cowgirl."

"Yippe ki yay, brother-fucker," I remarked, paraphrasing Bruce Willis at Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard. I hopped up on the couch and sprawled out luxuriantly. Becky straddled my lap and slowly slid my throbbing member through her glistening cuntlips. I groaned loudly and smacked her hot ass yet again.

"Giddy-up, cowgirl! I wanna see those natural titties bounce."

"Yee-haaa!" she cheered giddily, kicking it up to high gear in a blur of milky skin and red hair. Squeaking the springs loudly on that old Davenport sofa. Her pale c-cup breasts flailed wildly, with my attention focused on her pointy pink nipples. They looked amazing, but I couldn't help shifting my gaze toward the Spice Channel. Kylie hopped out of the hot tub, lay down a pool lounge chair, and got ass-fucked by Handjob.

"I'm tired of getting screwed by the government, so now I'm screwing the government," Handjob remarked while hammering away. He kept spanking 007's ass cheeks till they turned beet red, then he grabbed her equally red bangs and yanked them like leather reins on a British racehorse.

"Stop looking at that ginger porn slut!" Becky grunted. "Look at your ginger slut."

I rolled my head back in my naked sister's direction, grinning slimily at her snarling face as her hot body kept bouncing up and down, with her ass smacking loudly against my thighs in a steady pash-pash-pash-pash-pash. My balls started boiling, with great tingling electricity racing throughout my body. I couldn't hold back the floodgates much longer.

"Giddy-up, Big Red!" I grunted, spanking her yet again with both hands. "I'm riding your ass all the way to a Triple Crown."

"You better cross the finish line on my face, boy!"

"Stop calling me boy, bitch!" I growled, smacking her ass hard as fuck. She yelped approvingly, then she grabbed the sofa armrest and arched her back sharply upward while jackhammering downward on my dick. Hitting her g-spot just right. She soon reached another epic orgasm, squirting like a motherfucker all over her brother.

"I'm gonna return the favor, sis. Get down on your fucking knees!"

Becky quickly obeyed my order. Her bony kneecaps hit the carpeted floor with a loud thud. I hopped off the Davenport and aimed my rod toward her big green eyes while Handjob did the exact same thing with Ireland on a sunny pool deck. My own eyes darted back and forth between Kylie's pretty face and Becky's pretty face. Fantasy clashing with reality in crazy metafictional pornography.

"Blow your load, Handjob! Jerk out a big one all over my face!" Kylie growled toward his face.

"You heard the lady," Becky giggled toward my face. "I need your cum so fucking bad."

"Oh gah, oh gah, oooooWAAAAAAAAH!" Handjob roared.

"Shit, shit, shit, shhhhhhUUUUUH! FUUUUUUUUCK!" I roared simultaneously, plastering my sister's face while that Bond villain blasted his arch nemesis. Both of those hot redheads stuck their tongues out to savor their bitter creamy rewards. It was such an exhilarating rush, I nearly fainted on the coffee table. Becky grabbed my big dick and sucked out every drop, groaning loudly against my spent weapon.

"Oh fuuuuck, yeaaaaaaah," I groaned toward the ceiling as she slurped my jizz. "Holy shit, sis. I can't fucking believe that just happened."

"But you obviously loved it," Becky uttered seductively, rubbing that hot slick cream between her dainty little fingers. "This is a good grand finale for my college years, and your high school years."

"A little kickstart to get my sex life going, and get your raging sex life under control."

"Fuck no, Jake. No man will ever get me 'under control.'"

"Whatever, ginger. I'm gonna fuck you again tomorrow night, as soon as Mom leaves for the hospital."

"Hell yeah, Jake. We'll do nothing but the nasty for a solid week, until I go back to Ohio State."

"I wanna try every position in the book, in every room of this house," I beamed.

"Doing everything Mom used to do, with that dead-beat loser," Becky quipped.

"Damn right, sis. I wish we had a kick-ass hot tub, like Handjob."

"That would feel amazing on these cold snowy Syracuse nights."

We sighed pleasantly, turning our attention toward the TV. The scene shifted to the MI6 headquarters in London, where a fully clothed Jamie Bond chatted with her sharply dressed gender-flipped male boss.

"So, Miss Bond... did you infiltrate Handjob's lair to get the secret plans?"

"I sure did, Moneyshot," Jamie beamed, handing him some stolen classified documents. "I bluffed my way past his henchmen, and then I seduced Handjob quite skillfully. That guy is such a dick, figuratively and literally," Jamie added slyly.

"So I've heard, 007," Moneyshot grunted indignantly, full of unrequited lust for that sexy secret agent.

"I hope Spice stays unscrambled for the rest of the week," I mused dreamily while groping Becky's naked boobs.

"We don't need no freakin' Spice," she giggled while fiddling with my shrinking manhood. "Our late night snack is zesty enough already."