If I Could Find You Nao

Blatant rip off / inspired by a song I like. I hope you like.

Children, when left to their own devices, don't consider things like race or socio-economic background when making friends. They gravitate towards people that naturally get along well with them.

At 6 years old, I didn't care that Nao and I were as different as night and day. She shared her lunch with me, mostly because she didn't like the American food served in our school cafeteria. Her parents insisted she integrate into American culture, and our friendship was born.

Her family had moved into our small town over the summer because her father's job had transferred him here. A Japanese manufacturing plant that employed half the town. As a manager, he had to do everything to endear his company and family to the locals, and that meant adopting our culture.

When Nao told her parents about the wiry little American boy who sat beside her at lunch on her first day of school, they were thrilled. They encouraged us to be friends.

We really didn't need any encouragement though. We just fit together perfectly. Our differences were fun things for each of us to learn about the other, not roadblocks to overcome. Even though Nao is a couple months older than me, as I grew tall, I became like a big brother to her. She was my best friend from that first meeting onward, and not just because she shared her food with me.

What I liked most about Nao was her laugh. The genuine one she saved only for me, not the polite, nervous laugh she used when she felt awkward. The one where I saw who she really was, and I liked it. It was my special laugh, and I learned to be funny just to hear it. It was my thing.

We did everything together. Swimming lessons, Tee-ball, camping out in the back yard, hours and hours talking. She knew me so well, and I knew her. We were as close as two kids could possibly be.

She would help me with my schoolwork, and I would take care of anyone making fun of her for being different. There just isn't a way to properly express how great our friendship was.

Of course, things change. As we grew into teens, I became aware that she was a girl, and a beautiful one at that. I had developed a strong attraction to her, but I was afraid to tell her because it might ruin our close friendship. I was young and lacked confidence. Nobody coaches dumb young men how to navigate their first love. You learn by trial and error.

Unfortunately, the rug got pulled out from under me before I could gather the courage to tell her how I felt when her father was recalled to Japan. Nao and her mother moved the summer after our sophomore year of high school. In one moment, I lost my best friend and secret crush. Saying goodbye to her was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Seeing her cry broke my heart.

Life in Japan is busy, and over the next two years Nao's messages slowed before eventually coming to a halt. She had her own life to live, and I had mine. Finally, we lost touch. I wasn't surprised by that. I may have been too scared to tell her my true feelings, but I wasn't stupid. Being back in Japan meant her parents probably wouldn't tolerate their daughter's small town American friend anymore.

I went on my own path that included college, a mechanical engineering degree and a job in a big city, a state over from where I grew up. The city was both fascinating and lonely to me.

I dated, with much success, but things were never quite right. No matter how good the woman was, she never measured up to Nao. I won't say my life was bad, just off somehow. Like a car with one wheel out of balance, I never was able to smooth out my love life. I grew frustrated.

I tried social media and dating sites, with similar results. I dated some really beautiful and impressive women, but nobody was Nao. Nobody could be. At 24 years old, I had a great job, a bright future and I wasn't exactly ugly. But it all felt so empty. I'd never find another woman who could fit with me as perfectly as Nao had. She was the complimentary puzzle piece to mine. No one else would ever measure up to her.

Out of frustration one day, I posted the first photo of me and Nao together. Our 6-year-old selves, arms around each other. I was smiling my goofy little smile, and Nao was giving me her best laugh. It is my most cherished memory. As in of all time ever. If I could just be that happy again, life would be great. I captioned the photo, "If I could find you Nao things would get better."

Some people with more time on their hands than sense got a hold of my post and it got a lot of attention. Tons of messages asking who the girl was, and thousands of likes and shares. They wished me luck locating my long-lost friend. It only made my heart ache even more. I regretted not telling her how I felt before she left. Maybe things would have been different.

"You found me bear. What happens now?" (her childhood nickname for me) her message was waiting for me in my inbox one morning, months later. Someone who knew someone who knew someone else saw my post and eventually connected the dots telling Nao about it.

Not only had I found her again, but she was back in the US.

"What happens now is up to you." I replied to her. I wanted to say a lot more, but that summed it up perfectly. I waited to see how she reacted.

"You were my best friend. I missed you so much. Can we reconnect?" was her reply.

We did and hit the ground running. Within a couple months we had rekindled a strong friendship. She was happy with that, but I thought it was only a good start. We always fit together perfectly, and I was ready to tell her my true feelings for her this time. Our friendship was back to rock solid, and it was time for the next step.

I flew out to Los Angeles on a holiday weekend to see her. She booked the entire weekend free so we could hang out. Nao had grown up to become an even more beautiful woman than the girl I said goodbye to at 16.

"Oh wow Brad, you're huge!" she declared when we met at the airport.

"Yeah, I had a bit of a growth spurt the summer you left." I was a little embarrassed. I may have changed a little too.

"Not just tall, but you work out a lot." She complimented my fitness.

"A little." I tried to accept graciously. I'm no terminator, but I was most definitely fit.

Nao took me to lunch, and we spent all day just catching up. Nao was a customer quality engineer for the same manufacturing company her father worked for, based in Los Angeles.

I told her my update, and she told me hers. We talked about the old days. She asked about her friends from high school and told me about her life in Japan. She had been back in the US for eight months.

On Sunday, we did a little sightseeing and walked on the beach. I decided it was time to act before I lost my nerve.

"Nao, I need to tell you something." I stopped and looked at her. "I have been kicking myself for the last eight years because I was too scared to tell you then, but I wanted to be more than just friends."

Nao laughed. "Brad, I had the biggest crush on you back then, but it wouldn't have been fair to tell you that because we were leaving."

"Then let's try it now." I made my offer. I would not live with the regret any longer.

"It's been a long time, and you live far away. I don't know bear. It's only fair to tell you that I am dating someone, but we have not made a commitment yet. We've only been going out a couple of months." She blushed.

"What if I didn't live far away?" I asked. "Would you give me a chance?"

"Of course I would." She smiled, trying to let me down gently.

"Give me one month then. Promise me you will give me one month to arrange things and let me see if I can change that I live far away." I hoped beyond hope she would say yes.

"Brad, you can't uproot your whole life for me. Don't be ridiculous." She scolded me.

"I can and will." I countered. "I happen to think you are worth it, and I won't live with the regret any longer. Just give me one month. That's all I'm asking."

"OK." She replied. "I'll make you a deal. I'll be right here, in this spot, on June twenty ninth, at seven pm to watch the sun set. If you are here, I'll have an official date with you, and we can go from there. If not, then it wasn't meant to be."

"Deal." I quickly agreed.

Nao walked out to the beach, to find a crowd gathered around. From the edge, she couldn't see what they were looking at.

"What's going on?" she asked a woman in front of her.

"There's a guy who's been camped out here all day, waiting for a girl. Word got out and we are all waiting to see if she shows up. It's our own little soap opera love drama." She explained.

"Please let me through." Nao tried to push her way to the front of the crowd.

"Are you the girl?" people started asking, and a murmur went through the crowd.

"Brad!" she called out, not able to get through as nobody wanted to give up their spot.

"Step aside please." I asked the crowd to part, before finally getting to Nao.

"Brad!" Nao happily declared when she finally saw me. She ran to me and gave me a big hug. "What's going on?"

"I'm sorry." I apologized to her. "Apparently some vlogger saw me here and asked me what I was doing. When I told her I was meeting you here, she made it a thing on her vlog. All these people are her followers, I guess. Everyone was curious if you would show up or not. Excuse me for a moment."

"Everyone, this is her. She came." I announced.

There was some clapping and a few "awwww's" and a lot of the crowd left then. Only a few interested people hung around to see what happened next.

"I promised you, didn't I?" She replied. "You, more than anyone, knows I keep my promises.

"That's true. You never let me down." I smiled.

"How long were you here?" Nao asked me.

"A few hours." I blushed, embarrassed by the admission. Truth is I had been there all day. "I didn't want to miss you in case you came by early."

We watched the sun set and then went out to dinner. Nothing fancy or anything. I wanted this to be about us, not the activity.

We found a laid-back bar after dinner and had a drink while we talked. We talked about things we never talked about before. What we look for in a date, our preferences and our deal breakers.

"When did you first figure out you were attracted to me?" Nao inquired.

"Freshman fall mixer." I told her, sure of my answer.

Nao laughed. "The year I finally got some boobs?"

"It wasn't that." I answered, remembering it in my mind. "It was the blue dress, and watching you dance with Billy Peterson. I was jealous, but I didn't know how to dance back then.

"And you do now?" she raised an eyebrow.

"Sophomore year at state. I took a class as an elective. Hardest A I ever got."

Nao laughed at my story. I really missed her uninhibited laugh. The real one. My laugh. Maybe that is why I tried so hard to be funny all my life. I loved her laugh. I loved her.

Of course, I couldn't tell her that yet. It was only our first date. We were just starting out, but I couldn't wait any longer to let her know just how interested in her I was. I had competition and he had a three-month head start. I feared I was still too late.

"You are thinking about my laugh." She declared. "After all this time, I still know what you're thinking. I missed that. I missed the way you know me so well."

I really, really wanted to point out whatever putz she was also dating didn't know her like I do. We were best friends for 10 years - ever since she gave me the brownie from her lunch tray. I still remember it. It was dry and horrible, but I ate every crumb.

I walked Nao back to her apartment.

"I can't let you in. Not yet. I don't trust myself around you right now." She confessed.

"I'd never hurt you." I misunderstood her.

"I know that silly." She smiled again. "I don't trust myself. I don't want to make a mistake because I am just so happy to see you again. If we don't take our time, we will never find out if there is the possibility of love after the nostalgia wears off."

I understood and agreed with her answer, but I worried that it may have something to do with the guy she is dating. Not something I was going to bring up on our first date, but I would soon. I needed to know where I stood. How far behind him was I?

Nao did give me a kiss at her door. A good one, but not too good. Probably appropriate for a first date. I had to ask perhaps the most important question of my life, up to that point.

"So, did I earn a second date?" I was so nervous.

Nao laughed her genuine laugh again. "I told you I would give you a chance. I've been honest to you the whole time."

"So how about next..." she cut me off.

"Sunday." She said. "Let's do something fun. You already know what I like. I'll leave it up to you."

"OK. I'll message you." I smiled. "And Nao, thank you. I missed you."

"I missed you too bear. I'm glad you are here in LA." She smiled before going inside.

I should have been happy with that comment as I walked to my car, but the specter of her other love interest hung over me. The putz was ruining my mood.

Even though I was still new to my job and setting up my apartment, I went all out. I sent her flowers on Wednesday. I bought tickets to see the Dodgers play on Sunday -her favorite team and her favorite sport. I paid the huge price for tickets along the first base line.

I bought her a Shohei Ohtani autographed jersey. I scoured the Asian stores, looking for her favorite candy from home. I was going to make the putz look pale by comparison. I could use my superior knowledge about Nao to my advantage.

On Sunday, after our date, when we got back to Nao's apartment, she stopped at the door again. She looked so cute in her jersey. It was just a little too big for her. She was gorgeous.

"Brad, I appreciate everything you did for me, but you are trying too hard. You can't force things. You have to let them happen naturally." She was a little shy telling me.

"I can't help it." I told her. "I really like you, but the putz.... guy you are dating has a three-month head start on me. I worry I'm too late if I don't do something drastic."

"Bear, you've got to trust me." She sighed. "I told you I'd give you a fair chance. I can't promise any more than that."

I told her I understood, but I still felt like the clock was ticking down and I was still way behind. I can't help but put my best effort into it. It's just how God made me. I'd fight with everything I've got for something I believe in, and I believed in Nao.

I got the next Saturday with Nao. She seemed to be alternating days. Just my guess. On Thursday. I told her to wear her dancing shoes Saturday because I was going to show her my new skill. I still had a few tricks up my sleeve. I wasn't done yet.

It seemed to be just the ticket I needed. A night of holding Nao in my arms, entertaining her with my jokes as I twirled her around the dance floor to our favorite music.

My effort was rewarded at the end of the night with an absolutely smoldering kiss that I wish had gone on forever. We spent the next three months in that bliss whenever we were together. For a while, I thought I really had a chance. I had to be pulling even with the putz.

After one date on a Saturday night, I asked her if next Sunday was mine, but she got a little shy.

"I've got something special going on next weekend." She broke it to me gently. "The Saturday after is all yours though."

"It's the putz, isn't it?" I didn't even try to hide my disdain for him, and I didn't even know him.

"He's not a putz, but yes, since you must know. We are going to Rocky Point. (A popular beach town in Mexico)

Fuck! I thought to myself. They are already going away together. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

"Yeah, no problem." I said but didn't mean it.

"Don't be like that bear." She corrected me. "I'm just being honest to you."

Yes, that's true, but it didn't make it any easier. I was further behind than ever. I was in serious trouble.

Call me childish, but I left work early on Friday and camped out in a rental car across the street from Nao's apartment.

Around 4:30, they emerged. Holy shit! The guy looked like a Japanese model. Tall, cut and as handsome as I dare call another man. They were holding hands and Nao was laughing. She was giving him my laugh. Fucking putz got my laugh.

I shouldn't have been surprised. Nao is a gorgeous, smart and sweet woman. Of course she is going to attract the best men. I had to hate him, but deep down, I knew the truth. He is just better than me.

Knowing what he looks like, I quickly found him among Nao's friends online.

Dr. Hideki Mori. Bloody hell! A fucking doctor to boot??? No wonder she wouldn't ditch him for me.

I drove home, and the realization hit me. I never stood a chance. Why, why, why didn't I say something to her eight years ago! I had blown it.

Every fiber of my being screamed at me to fight for Nao, except one part - my heart. It told me that I will only cause her more pain if I keep fighting. If I truly love Nao, I'd stand down. She was happy with him. She gave him my laugh. I was defeated.

I was a coward when it came to Nao though. I couldn't admit it to her that I had lost. I didn't message Nao when she got back from Rocky Point. I didn't know what to say. On Wednesday, she messaged me instead.

"Where you at bear? Long time no see. Are we going out Saturday?" her text read.

"Sorry, been busy. Traveling for work. Probably won't be back until next week." I lied.

I had kicked the can down the road, but I'd have to face her sooner or later.

All she replied with was sad face emoji's. Not a "Be careful" or "Safe travels" just sad faces. It's like she knew I was lying.

On Thursday the next week, she text me again.

"Why are you avoiding me? Are we going out this weekend?" she asked.

"Can I come over for a minute, just to talk?" I finally found my balls.

So, I went to her apartment. I noticed there was a photo framed of her and the putz. I had managed to make it to the fridge at least. The magnet right in the middle of my face. I bet the putz did that.

"So, I finally get to see where the magic happens." I joked.

"You always joke when your nervous bear. What's wrong?" she asked as we sat on the couch.

"I'll cut right to the chase Nao." I took a deep breath. "I saw you and the putz together. You looked happy. You make a great couple."

She looked concerned but didn't interrupt me.

"Nao, I'm stepping aside. He is a better man than I am and deserves your full attention. I'm sorry I put you in a tough spot. You did everything right. It just wasn't meant to be."

Nao didn't answer. She just started crying. The tears rolling out of her big, beautiful brown eyes. It tore me up, but better a little pain now than a lot of pain later.

"I didn't ask you to do that. I made a promise to you." She spoke.

"And I'm releasing you from that promise." I struggled to hold it together. "It's just very clear that you belong with him. I'm just trying to do what's best for you. Please don't hate me."

"I could never hate you bear." She tried to smile at me. It didn't work. "I don't want this. Not here. Not now."

"I know. This is all on me." I stood up to leave. "Hey, I meant what I said. Things are better now that I found you again. Be sure to invite me to your wedding."

That made Nao laugh a little. Her courtesy laugh. Not the good one.

"We are still friends, right?" She was looking for assurance.

"Of course." I gave it to her. "I just need some time."

"I understand." She got up and hugged me. "Don't become a stranger, ok?"

"I promise butterfly." I replied using my childhood nickname for her. I called her butterfly because as a six-year-old, I couldn't think of anything better than a butterfly. They are pretty good after all.

That Friday night, I was at home, licking my wounds when someone knocked on my door. I opened it up and none other than the putz himself at my damn door.

"What do you want?" I said a little more rudely than I meant to. Or maybe I did.

"Look Brad, I'm not here to fight. The opposite actually." He replied, producing an expensive gin from a bag he was carrying. "What you did was impressive. You are a bigger man than I am. I just wanted to say thank you and maybe bury the hatchet. You are Nao's friend. I want us to at least be able to tolerate each other. What do you say?"

"I say fuck off putz." And closed the door in his face. Fuck me, he's even nicer than I am. God damn it.

He stood there for a minute, then I heard him set the bottle down at my door and leave.

I waited until he was gone to open the door and grab the bottle. The gin, after all, hadn't taken the only woman I ever loved away from me. No since punishing it.

Instead, I punished myself. As in I drank the whole thing. I was so hungover that I barely made it to work on Monday, two days later.

It was a rough couple of months for me. Nao text me occasionally, but I didn't reply. I needed time to get my emotions under control. Honestly, I wasn't ever going to get over it, but I needed to be able to be around Nao without them getting out of control.

"I miss you bear. Can we have lunch Saturday?" she asked one week.

"Only if you tell the putz." I replied. I still had morals. Out of respect for Nao, I won't do anything behind her boyfriend's back.

"Brad and I are having lunch Saturday." Nao copied me on the text to the putz.

"No problem." He replied. "I hope you can stay friends."

So, we re-engaged our friendship. It was a little rocky at first, but we soon settled into a comfortable new normal. Not the same as it was before, but certainly better than not being friends.

However, it slowly ate away at me. Naturally my feelings for Nao didn't disappear. They were always there and seeing her was a constant reminder of the life I'd never had.

So, subtly I started reducing my contact with her. A slow weaning process where I reduce this painful thing but slow enough so that Nao doesn't realize it and get hurt by it too.

The real dagger came a few months later. Nao and I barely spoke at that point, and very rarely saw each other. The invitation was hand delivered under my door. Someone wanted to make damn sure I got it.

It was a wedding invitation, with a handwritten note from Nao on it.

"You better come bear, or I'll hunt you down. Remember, I know how you think. I'll find you if you don't show up." It said.

It was in six weeks. I decided that her wedding would be my last contact with Nao. The official end to everything. I had to walk away, for her peace. I'd never find my peace again, but she deserved it.

In a way, I was glad. It not only would put an end to the constant emotional stabbing every time we talked, but it motivated me to get my own shit together.

The next day, I asked my boss at work about a possible transfer to another facility.

"I'm actually glad you asked Brad." He replied. "I've been told to support our new facility in Thailand. This is a big job. Setting everything up from scratch and building the engineering system to keep the facility running. I was thinking that it would be a great opportunity for the next engineering manager to separate themselves from all the other candidates. It's a minimum of a one-year assignment. Would you be interested in the position? I've had you in mind the whole time."

I took a week and reviewed the details, researched the location and learned about the challenges I would face if I took the position. I decided to accept the assignment. It solved my biggest problem - extracting myself from Nao's relationship. Let her be happy.

I made plans to move to Thailand the week after Nao's wedding. The timing would be good. The perfect ending to our ill-fated story. I could exit with dignity and bow out gracefully. I'd simply leave a message for her while she was away on her honeymoon and avoid the last awkward meeting. Less painful for her that way.

I could go to Thailand and figure out what to do with the rest of my life in privacy, where I wouldn't interfere in anyone's relationship.

"Hey Bear." She called me one day the next week.

"Congratulations Nao. I'm really happy for you." I put on my brave face.

"Thanks Brad." She said sounding worried. "You're coming, aren't you?"

"Of course." Was my short reply.

"Promise?" she wanted confirmation.

"I promise Nao." I repeated.

"I don't like that you've been avoiding me. We are friends, and we will still be friends after the wedding. I don't want to lose you again." She tried to be nice.

I just thanked her for that call and reaffirmed that I'd be there. It made me realize that it was for the best for me to leave. It hurt me if I stayed. It hurt the putz. It hurt Nao, but she refused to see it. She needed to be free from me as a distraction to her marriage. It's the respectful thing to do.

The week before the wedding I was sent to Thailand to meet everyone and get a feel for the city. My last chance to back out. I liked the place. It might as well be on another planet, because it felt a world away from my current problems. It also helped stop me from thinking about the wedding all day and night. I returned to LA that Thursday, just in time to get everything packed up and closed out.

I moved everything to a hotel on Friday and planned to fly out on Sunday, after the wedding on Saturday. I wrote out my last letter to Nao and gave her the picture of us when we were six. That's how I wanted her to remember me. The lanky and awkward six-year-old whose whole life revolved around her. I'd slide it into her mailbox on my way you the wedding Saturday.

I got up feeling like I was on my way to the gallows. Reminded me of "A Tale of Two Cities". Sydney (me), on his way to the gallows says the famous line, "It's a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done". I'd sacrifice my happiness for Nao's. No one meant more to me than her. Not even myself.

I used the fact that it was better for Nao to steel my nerves. I'd watch the ceremony, then take off and go get drunk before flying out of her life forever the next day.

I put on my suit, opting for a "Dodger blue" tie because it was Nao's favorite color. One last homage to the end of our friendship. She's forgotten me once; she will forget me again. In a few months, I'll just become the memory of that six year old little boy.

I made the stop at her apartment, sliding my letter and the mailbox before going to the church. From the moment I arrived, I felt what had to be a thousand angry eyes staring daggers in my direction.

Obviously, my presence wasn't wanted there, but I had promised Nao I'd be there. Harsh looks won't stop me. Just like her, I always keep my promises.

Nobody spoke to me. Thankfully, they got on with it not too long after I arrived, as per my plan. I just stood in the back and tried to blend into the carpet as well as a tall American in a room full of Asians could blend in.

The putz and the groomsmen made their way to their places. He immediately scanned the crowd, looking for me. I'll give him credit. He gave me a fake smile, but his eyes betrayed his mouth. He hated me.

I tried to look down, pretending to study the carpet. I was not going to make a scene.

When the familiar music started, everyone turned to look at Nao. She was gorgeous in her gown. The peak of class and beauty. The perfect bride for the wrong man.

Her expression was clear. Nervous as hell. Her glance in my direction followed by her quickly looking away told me everything I needed to know. My presence was the problem. A library of conversations and things had gone on that I didn't know about, but the outcome was written all over her face. Well, obvious to me at least. She was scared shitless.

The march started, and I kept my eyes down until she passed me. I worked very hard to keep my expression neutral. If I hadn't promised, I would not be there.

I only started to breathe when the priest began the ceremony. It would all be over soon. I felt sad knowing it would be the last time I saw her.

I kept my head down as they went through all the different parts of the ceremony.

When they got to the point where the putz was supposed to say his "I do", he made sure to do so in a loud and clear voice. It was a message for one person - yours truly.

Then came Nao's turn.

"Do you take this man, blah, blah, blah." The priest read the script.

"I.. I.. I can't." Nao shocked everyone. "I'm sorry Hideki." And she ran from the room in tears.

"You did this!" The putz shouted at me. "This is all your fault!"

He came sprinting down the aisle at me. It came from so far away, I could have read the entire Dickens book in the time it took for the punch to finally got to me. I could have easily blocked it, or dodged it, but I decided it would be best for me to not fight back. Let him have his pound of flesh. I would have done the exact same thing if I was him.

All I did was turn my head at the last moment, so the blow didn't break my nose. Instead, it landed right on my eye. I could have easily kept my feet, but I went down like a sack of potatoes instead. It was the best way to diffuse the situation. Let him think he had his vengeance.

The groomsmen caught up to the putz. Together they decided they would pick me up and throw me out of the church on my ass. They had a brief moment of panic when they realized they couldn't pick me up. I had to help them. So, they pushed me out the door instead.

I landed at the bottom of the steps, and the putz came down to gloat. I let him have his say as I slowly and non-threateningly got up off the ground.

Holding my hands up in the classic "I surrender" pose, I got close enough to him so we could talk.

"OK putz, listen good because I'm only going to say this once." I started as he looked at me with a smug cockiness thinking I was going to threaten him in front of all his groomsmen.

"Go to Nao and reassure her." I told him. "Tell her it's just cold feet and nervousness. Tell her you understand and it's ok. That you will be there and support her. Don't blame her and don't tell her it's my fault because you will get her fired up. Sooth and calm her. Reassure her and she will see it was just a mistake and get back out there to correct her first answer. Trust me. I know her better than anyone."

The putz was gob smacked. He had no idea what to say to me. He hated me, and I was helping him because it was what was best for Nao.

"Good luck putz." I closed with. Then I turned and walked away.

My alarm woke me up the next morning, to a massive headache and my eye swollen shut. I don't even remember how I got back to my hotel room. I drank two cups of coffee and three aspirin before I could manage a shower. I only meant to drown my sorrows last night, not start a tsunami.

By the time I got out of the shower, I was running late. I hurried and packed up my suitcases then hustled to the airport. I watched out the window as Los Angeles shrunk below me. Goodbye Nao. Goodbye troubles. Goodbye past life.

In the now fourteen months since I arrived in Thailand, I had picked up a lot of the Thai language. I never let on how much I knew, as the locals never considered that I understood a lot of what they said around me. I didn't want to embarrass them.

"It's a shame such a handsome farang (foreigner) never looks at me. He must be gay, I think. What a waste." The two young ladies talked one lunch table away from me in Thai, not knowing I understood them.

Fourteen months and I was still an outsider. That was fine with me. I wasn't ready to interact with anybody anyway. I kept to myself. I worked, exercised at a gym and worked some more. I hated not having something to occupy my mind. The intrusive thoughts still invaded if I was idle for too long.

Still, staying busy didn't keep the demons from finding me in my dreams. Fourteen months and they are still as fresh as ever. I had long ago given up. I'd never get the monkey off my back. I carried a part of Noa with me always. It is everywhere I go. It's in everything I see.

I work out at a Muay Thai gym. I don't dare get in the ring with any of them though. My physical advantage due to my size and strength meant nothing in there. I'd seen to many cocky farangs, bigger than me get humbled by a master. All the strength in the world won't make up for the years of training those guys have put in.

I'm doing free squats in my corner when I felt a presence behind me. I don't even have to look. I know who it is already.

"If I could find you now things would get better." She said.

"You found me butterfly. Now what happens." I gave her reply back to her.

"What happens now is up to you." She smiled. I knew she smiled without looking. I still know her that well. I could feel her smiling.

"Hi Nao. What brings you here?" I asked, setting the weights down.

"Did you grow more?" she asked. "Your even bigger than I remember."

"I work out a little." I teased her. She gave me her best laugh. God, I missed that. My laugh. Correction, now it's the putz's laugh.

"You're a hard man to find." She moved around in front of me. She looked amazing. Damn it.

"I didn't think anyone would be looking for me or I would have left breadcrumbs for you to follow." Earning me another of her best laughs.

"Can I hug you?" she asked.

"I'm all sweaty." I objected.

Nao closed the distance between us. "I don't care." She said in my ear as she got on her toes to stretch up and put her arms around my neck.

It felt so good. The wall I had built around the pieces of my heart cracked. Damn it.

"So, why are you here Nao." I asked again.

"I'm here to get the piece of my heart that you took. I need it back if I'm going to give my whole heart to you." She had her nervous look on suddenly. "Let's leave this town and run forever."

"I don't think Dr. Putz would appreciate you being here Nao. I won't interfere in your marriage." I reminded her of her promise she made to him.

"Bear, I didn't marry him." She informed me.

"Why?" I was confused. "He's perfect for you."

"Because he came into the vestibule where I was crying and told me it would be ok. That I just had cold feet and he would be there and support me no matter what. The exact thing I needed to hear. The minute he said that I knew it was you that told him what to say. I know you better than you know yourself bear. Even when Dr. Putz was saying your words."

"I may have given him some advice, but he is the one who was there for you. You made a mistake butterfly. We can fix this. It's not too late." I tried to talk her down from the ledge.

"The only mistake I made was not taking that leap of faith with you." She explained. "Hideki was the safe choice. It made his parents happy. It made my parents happy. It made him happy. It made all my friends happy. It made everyone happy but me. From the minute you walked back into my life, he never stood a chance. Even now you are trying to help him, but what I needed all along was you. You're my piece bear. No one else fits with me." She was crying. It was killing me.

I just stood there, looking at her. I didn't know what to say. No more jokes or funny comments. I was blank. All out of excuses.

"Just take the win bear." She begged. "It was always you. I just didn't realize it until it was almost too late. But I'm here now, ready to commit today to you. And all my todays to come. It's time for you to come clean. To finally tell me what you should have said ten years ago."

"I love you butterfly." I didn't look away this time. "I always have. From the minute you gave me that brownie."

"How awful was that thing?" she laughed. "I still have no idea why you ate that thing."

"Because you gave it to me." I told her. "Because I loved you from that very moment."

"It's about time." She smiled, wiping the tears from her big, beautiful brown eyes. "I love you bear. You better get used to hearing that."

"So, what happens now?" I asked.

"First you shower." She found her best smile for me. "Then we get out of here."

"And go where?" I smiled back at her for the first time in a long time.

"Doesn't matter, as long as it's together." She visibly relaxed, and her true beauty shown like light through a diamond.

She was right. It didn't matter. We would just keep on running, never looking back again.