A Suicide Letter from My Ex

Sorry, there's no sex in this story

It was a warm summer day, the old church was hot, and I was sweating in my suit at my ex-wife's funeral. Jesse had committed suicide a week earlier with no explanation or note. She had just turned fifty. We had been divorced much longer than we were married by then.

My oldest was up front talking to the pastor. We made eye contact when I came in. At 30, she was a beautiful woman and looked like her mother. Anna was only ten when her mother and I divorced and our relationship suffered through some hard times those first few years. Maybe it was her mother's second divorce that Anna started thinking I wasn't the bad guy. She was 18 by then and was growing out of that, 'I hate everybody' phase young women go through. She was also grateful that I agreed to fund her college.

I didn't see her twin sisters in the church; they were almost ten years younger than Anna and the cause of our divorce. When Jesse told me she was pregnant I was shocked. It wasn't like we never had sex, but it was so infrequent. The thought that I wasn't the father started creeping in my head and that doubt festered all through her pregnancy. It didn't stop me from being the supportive husband, doing the baby classes, baby shopping and painting the nursery.

We did try and have another baby a few years after Anna, but it never happened. We talked about getting tested but Jesse insisted she was okay with only one so why go through the hassle. I wanted a second, hopefully a boy, but when Jesse made up her mind, resistance was futile.

The doubt was still lingering in my mind during the delivery, I wondered what the babies would look like, would it be easy to tell if they were mine. Maybe if they were black or some other race.

The tell for me was when the nurses placed them in my arms. I will never forget holding Anna in my arms for the first time and the feeling of love that overwhelmed me was amazing. The twins felt like I was holding someone else's kids.

My ex and I didn't fight much when we were married but my refusal to sign the birth certificate started a battle that only ended after the divorce. I insisted on a DNA test before I would sign, my ex and her family were giving me shit which Anna witnessed. The DNA test revealed I was not the father. I handed my ex the test results along with divorce papers. She wanted to financially ruin me, I threatened to find out who the real father was and expose him to the world and especially her family and Anna. I didn't know if I could find out who the father was, but Jesse agreed to my demand that I only had pay the state average support for Anna and nothing else.

Jesse went through several other husbands during the next two decades. I never thought that they were the father of the twins. They were sitting in the front pew of the church while I sat in the back. When Anna was done with the pastor, she came back and led me to the front pew on the other side of the church from the ex-husbands. There weren't many other people there, some of Jesse's friends and co-workers but none of Jesse's family.

Anna's significant other was there. I liked Helen and it was times like these that I was glad Anna had her support. They had been together for at least a decade by then.

Ten years earlier, Anna wanted to visit me during summer break before her junior year, and she was bringing a friend. I assumed it was going to be a guy and was surprised to see another woman get out of the car. Anna was staring at me with a concerned look, and I smiled at her. Her expression changed and I think she knew the world was going to be fine. I gave Helen a warm hug and we went inside. It was funny when Anna asked me if it was okay if she slept with Helen while they were here. I told her I was upset that she felt she needed to ask me that.

And then our relationship really thawed.

The service was brief and then Anna, Helen and I were in the limo on the way to the cemetery. After the graveside services, we attended a small luncheon.

I spent the night at Anna's and in the morning, she handed me a letter. It was from Jesse, post marked a couple of days before her suicide and addressed to me at Anna's mailing address. I didn't want to open it in front of Anna, and she didn't want that either. After storing the letter in my briefcase, I began the 10-hour ride home. Most of the ride was spent musing what was in the letter, I half expected her to unleash a hailstorm on me for divorcing her and making her raise three girls by herself. I'm sure I would read a comment or two about not providing financial support for the twins.

The letter sat for two weeks on my desk in my home office. Anna had texted me twice asking if I read it. On a Friday night, I opened it and a bottle of good scotch:

Dear Jack,

My apologies for fucking up our lives is long overdue, but I still don't have the balls to say it to your face like you deserve. I cannot make excuses for my fuck up, maybe it was because he was rich and powerful or maybe I had too many glasses of wine, either way my mind could not accept that I cheated on you. I swear it was the only time.

And then I found out I was pregnant; I prayed it was yours almost as much as I prayed you would never find out. I thought about being honest with you, but I chickened out.

But you were perfect during the pregnancy which caused me to hate myself even more. You sat by my side through all the Lamaze classes, painted the nursery three times because I changed my mind on colors, took me shopping for new baby furniture and then a second crib when we found out I was having twins. By the time I was in labor I no longer feared you would find out, especially as you held my hand through both deliveries.

Then I saw your face the first time you held the twins and the tears in your eyes, not the happy tears like when Anna was born. I knew we were over and that was before your refusal to sign the birth certificate. The rest was just more pain I earned by fucking up our lives.

Fortunately, the father stepped up and provided ample support for the twins, partly because of your threat to expose him. The twins wanted to know who their father was, and I refused to tell them which is why they ghosted me. He was still paying their college tuition and if I told them the truth I think he could have stopped.

No one else ever came close to you Jack, I have no idea why I married half the men I did, I thought the first two would measure up to you, they didn't come close and neither did the others.

My biggest regret is that you never remarried. You deserve someone better than me. You were the perfect husband even when you didn't have to be.

I often considered suicide over the years, especially when the twins disowned me. There was always some hope that kept me from doing it, maybe I hoped you would forgive me and take me back.

Two weeks ago, my doctor informed me that I had cervical cancer. He outlined treatment plan that was going to be extremely painful, and the chance of remission was less than 50/50. I didn't want to put Helen and Anna through that, so I chose to chicken out again.

I always loved you Jack, way more than my actions showed. Hopefully you'll find the woman you deserve.

Love Jesse.

I didn't cry for her; we all make mistakes. There were times I wished I just accepted the twins as my own, there was nothing about their features as they grew up that would have made it obvious that I wasn't the father. Maybe it was just that male ego people talk about.

There were years I hated Jesse, I blamed her for my inability to establish a serious relationship with any other woman and eventually I realized I still loved her. I think she was on her second or third husband by then, so I never tried to contact her.

Anna was calling me the next morning. Sometimes I thought she had ESP as far as I was concerned.

"Yes Anna, I read the letter."

"You better start talking Dad or Helen and I will be on our way over."

"I'm guessing you didn't know your mother had cervical cancer, her prognosis wasn't good, so she decided to exit this life on her terms."

It was obvious that Anna dropped the phone, and she was crying on the other end, Helen was trying to console her.

"What did you tell her dad," asked Helen who called me dad from the first day we met.

"I told her that her mother had cervical cancer, her prognosis wasn't good, so she decided to exit this life on her terms."

Helen said, "Oh fuck, we'll call you back in a bit. Let me try and console her."

It was a few hours later when they called back, this time on speaker, "We would have taken care of her dad," they said in unison.

"She knew that guys, but she didn't want to put either of you through that, and even if she survived the treatment it was still going to be a 50/50 chance of remission afterwards."

"Well, at least we know why. What else did she say?"

"The rest was mostly her apologies and regret for the event that led to her pregnancy with the twins."

"Did she say who the father was?"

"No, all she said was that he was important. After the twins were born, he agreed to take care of them financially including their college tuitions if she didn't reveal that he was the father. That's why she refused to tell the twins who he was, she was afraid he would cut off their support."

"And instead the twins ghosted her, that must have hurt her. Did the letter help you feel better Dad?"

"Not really, I always regretted the stand I took when the twins were born, and I realized I wasn't the father. Maybe our lives would have been better if I just accepted them as mine, I think our relationship would not have struggled so much."

"I told you mom never told me why you guys separated. I thought you just abandoned us until mom set me straight when I was 16 maybe. Then I was so angry with her for years, if she had just kept her legs closed, I would have had a much happier childhood."

"We all make mistakes Anna; your mother made a mistake she regretted for the rest of her life. Hopefully she found peace."

"Speaking of peace Dad, the barbecue is still on for next weekend and Helen's mother will be here. She's looking forward to seeing you again. You're coming right or do we have to come kidnap you."

"I'm still thinking about it Anna, but your mother was hoping I would find someone else."