Explorations Pt. 01

I was standing in the kitchen of our cottage, waiting for the kettle to boil, admiring the roses in our secluded garden, and attempting to recover my focus. I had begun the next chapter of my book, but the longer I worked on it, the more I realised that I would have to do some fieldwork. That had set me daydreaming about potential travel and accommodation options... I needed a break, I needed coffee, and most of all I needed Janine, but she had gone out early to do some modelling for our jeweller friend, Ellen.

We'd been living together for a few months at this point and, as I had said to all those who cared about me, allowing Janine into my life was the best decision I had made since my wife passed away. The near-forty-year age gap was significant, obviously, but neither of us were bothered by it. Janine's attitude, which was infectious, was that we should live for today and make one another happy -- so we did. I'd lost quite a lot of weight. This was partly due to Janine's gentle persuasion in terms of my diet, but mostly due to an increase in exercise. We spent a lot of time walking, cycling and, not to put too fine a point on it, fucking. Whilst Janine enthusiastically took the lead sexually, she mostly liked me to do the physical work. That morning, she had woken me early with a sloppy blowjob that had nearly had me coming in her mouth, but she was on her hands and knees an instant later.

"Come on, get that cock inside me. Treat me like the little slut I am."

My cock was in her pussy within seconds and I pounded away. After a few moments, the smartwatch on my wrist vibrated to indicate that it was tracking exercise. This sex position generally logged as 'spinning' and Janine joked that I just used her as an exercise bike.

"You love it," I replied, slapping her arse cheeks hard enough to be able to see handprints.

"I do," she grunted, "But you can do it harder than that."

"Do you mean this," I asked, thrusting harder, "Or this?" I slapped her again, delighting in the redness that developed.

"Both."

As an exercise regime it was clearly working. I was over a stone lighter than I had been six months ago. Right now, however, I had been sitting at a desk for four hours and my sexercise partner was not at home. I reached for the phone to send a message, but just as I picked it up it buzzed in my hand.

- Hello Lover xxx Missing me yet?

- Yes!!!! I need some exercise xxx

- Back in twenty. Get the kettle on.

- Ahead of you there. Coffee will be ready for you.

- I love you xxx

I sent a couple of heart emojis in response to this last message, and set about making a bigger pot of coffee.

Precisely twenty minutes later, the back door opened. Janine appeared, wearing a wraparound dress which she immediately untied and removed. As usual, she was wearing nothing underneath. She hung the dress on a peg on the door and turned, pushing her little tits at me.

"What do you think of these?"

Janine's nipples were decorated with some new jewellery: heart-shaped Celtic knot-work with round holes in the middle for her nipples to poke through. My cock literally jerked upright under the loose trousers I was wearing.

"I think I need to inspect them much, much more closely." I pulled her towards me and pretended to scrutinise her tits but instead planted a kiss on each nipple. "Is there a story behind these?"

"Ellen's latest design. I put them on so she could take photos for the website and she said I might as well keep them and get some customer feedback. You need to go on the website and write something suitably complimentary."

"Ok," I said, "But does it have to be right now?"

"No... I'd say you have time to do a couple of things first."

"A couple of things?"

"Yes." Janine's green eyes were sparking at me. "Coffee." She glanced down at the tent in my trousers. "And me."

I poured the coffee and we stood for a few moments, sipping at our mugs. My eyes were drawn to her smooth, hairless pussy, and I recalled the temporary tattoo she'd had there for a few days at the very beginning of our relationship. An idea formed in my mind.

"Is there going to be a pendant version?" We had given Ellen the idea of making matching pendants to go with her nipple jewellery, and she had done quite nicely out of it. "I'd happily buy you the pendant to go with those."

"I knew you'd say that. If you hadn't, I'd have bought one anyway. Ellen says it will be ready about this time next week."

"That's good," I said. "We need to go and see your tattooist friend."

"We do? I thought you weren't happy about me getting a tattoo."

"I wasn't happy about you having my initials permanently tattooed in an intimate place in the first five days of our relationship, but the temporary tattoo was brilliant."

"And?"

"And I'd like you to show the tattooist the pendant and get her to do a temporary tattoo of it."

"It's Ellen's design though."

"I'm aware. Maybe they should collaborate. Could help them both."

"So I get Ellen's design tattooed on my pussy...?"

"Yes."

"... and then I show it to Ellen?"

"Yes."

"You want Ellen to see my pussy?"

"Ellen's already seen your pussy, sweetheart. That was obvious from the jewellery with my initials on." Janine blushed, and I laughed. "I worked that out the moment I saw the design." I put my empty coffee cup on the kitchen table. "Now then," I said, reaching for Janine's hand, "I have something that needs your immediate and personal attention... upstairs."

An hour later, we were lying entwined on the bed, enjoying the gentle intimacy that often follows less-than-gentle sex. I was stroking one of Janine's boobs and kissing the top of her head, whilst she was lightly masturbating my cock, which was still semi-erect. It would be a while before I could manage another round, but Janine was patient and knew that persistence usually paid off in the end. Today, however, I had something to discuss with her, and this seemed like as good a time as any.

"I don't want to spoil the moment," I started, "But something's come up and we need to discuss it."

"Something's coming up here though. I'd much rather discuss that." Her movements quickened. "See?"

"We can discuss this first, and then you'll probably find that the other thing will be much easier to sort out."

"Ok then," she replied, in a theatrically whiny voice. "What is it?"

"Not here," I said, "Let's go and have a coffee somewhere."

"Sounds ominous."

"It's not, I promise."

We got dressed. Well, to be exact, I got dressed. Janine slipped on a pair of flip flops to walk to the back door, where she took about three seconds to put on the wraparound dress.

"Where are we going," she asked, as we left the cottage.

"Bridge Café? We can walk there and back."

"Ok."

We walked down the lane out of the village, hand in hand, and turned onto the footpath alongside the main road to town. It was a glorious afternoon but there was a decided chill in the breeze when it blew. Janine's nipples were very prominent through the close-fitting material of the dress. She noticed me noticing.

"These shield things make them stand out enough without that cold breeze," she laughed. "Think anyone will notice?"

"I think everyone will notice," I replied, "But you wouldn't have it any other way, would you?"

"Probably not. Perhaps I do take after my mum after all."

"No comment," I said. Even after eight months away from our home town, Janine had not reconciled with Sally, her mother. I had hoped that something might have changed, but I wanted us to be happy, so I said nothing.

"Can I ask you something?" Janine paused. "Something personal." This happened occasionally, and I had learnt to meet her questions with honesty and without embarrassment, as she seemed to do with whatever situation arose. For one so young -- she was now twenty-three -- Janine was a very wise and mature individual.

"Of course," I said, "Always."

"About your wife." We had wordlessly adopted a convention by which we never referred to my deceased wife by name, but I wondered whether it was time to change that. Was it disrespectful, I asked myself? Let's see what she wants first, I decided. Coward, said a little voice in my head. Janine, reading my mind as she often seemed to do, solved the problem. "Catherine."

I felt a pang of grief just hearing her name, and realised that the convention was nothing to do with Janine and everything to do with me. I'd allowed myself to move on, and hearing Catherine's name made me feel guilty, for want of a better word. My silence must have rung an alarm.

"You don't mind me using her name, do you?"

"Of course not!" I stopped walking and took Janine in my arms. "I loved Catherine with every ounce of my being, to the very last moment of her life, and I will love and cherish her memory until the very last moment of mine, but she is gone and you are here and now I love you as much as I loved her." I held Janine close. "My family know how much you mean to me, and they have accepted it, because they know that it has nothing to do with what went before. Loving you does not mean I didn't love her. Loving her as I did does not mean that I can't love you." Janine extricated herself from my embrace and kissed me.

"Can I ask my questions now?"

"Questions," I said. "Plural."

"Maybe."

"Go on then." We began walking again.

"Ok. You and Catherine... were you... exclusive?"

What I really wanted to say was 'why do you ask', but that would seem evasive. That said, the answer wasn't simple and I didn't really want to go into detail.

"For most of our marriage," I said, carefully, "We were." I paused for an instant. "However, there were a few times when we weren't, but we weren't cheating on one another." I paused again, because that wasn't strictly true. "Let's just say that it was complicated."

"So you both had sex with other people?"

"Yes, but that is a real oversimplification." Ok, I have been honest, mostly, I thought. Now I can ask. "Why do you ask?" Suddenly I was feeling a little threatened and, it has to be said, old. We were still walking, still hand in hand, and now it was Janine who stopped us.

"Look, I promise you that I'm not having sex with anyone else and this is just me finding out more about what made you both happy. I'm not about to run off and leave you all alone." She leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. "That was really clumsy of me, wasn't it? I know you worry about me going off with someone younger. It's not going to happen. I promise."

"Ok." I kissed her back. We started walking again. I decided to go down the honesty route. "So, Catherine was bisexual. She knew she was before our relationship and did nothing about it for years, and then one day it came up as a topic and she discovered how much it turned me on. So, for a few years, there were other women in our lives. There was another man, once, but that didn't turn out to be what either of us wanted and we never did it again."

"Wow." Janine was silent for a few moments. "Just, wow. I remember her when she was a teacher and she really didn't seem the type. Neither of you did."

"So, what made you ask?" My suspicious mind was beginning to work. Had someone said something, back home?

"Honestly? It was something I heard on Woman's Hour -- Ellen had the radio on in the workshop -- about open relationships and polyamory. Set my mind working."

"Maybe I'll have a listen on Sounds."

"You should," said Janine. "I reckon you'd find it interesting, having experienced it first hand. Tell me more."

"Later maybe." I could see the edge of town now, so we'd be at the café in a few minutes and I had another topic to broach. Janine, however, wasn't ready to let it drop.

"So, she had sex with women?"

"Yes."

"And you had sex with them too."

"Some of them, yes."

"And were these people that you just met and had sex with, or were they more than that?"

"That's how it started, but a couple of them became more long term."

"So you all lived together?

"One of them lived with us for a while." I paused. This was getting a little close to some painful memories. "None of the others though." Janine sensed my discomfort.

"This is stressful for you, isn't it."

"A little." I thought for a moment. "It's not that I want to hide anything. I will tell you, but I need to process it a little first... get it straight in my own mind."

"So... would it turn you on to watch me with another girl?"

"Truthfully? Of course it would. But that's something you should only do if you want it, not just because you think I do."

"Ok." Janine went silent for a few moments, and then surprised me. "I've had sex with girl before." She stopped walking and turned me to face her. "Well, not full sex, but we did a lot of snogging and a fair bit of groping. Does that surprise you?"

"A little. I guess I'm more surprised that you haven't mentioned it. It doesn't worry me though. No point in worrying about pasts, is there?"

Janine's past was definitely a subject kept out of conversation. Systematic, almost ritualistic abuse from the age of twelve to sixteen. Thirty men and seven women were currently serving lengthy prison sentences.

"So, you know the prom at the end of Year Eleven?"

"Yes." I had never been to the prom, even though a lot of teachers did.

"I was at the start of my no-man-is-ever-going-to-see-or-touch-my-body-again phase. I couldn't bear the idea of going to the prom with a boy, so Rachel Kelly and I went together."

"I remember her."

"Well, at the end of the prom, lots of couples disappeared off to snog and have sex and we decided we should too. Her idea, not mine, but I went along with it. I was staying at her house, so we slept in the same bed and played around a bit. It was nice."

"I'm glad to hear it."

"Her tits are a lot bigger than mine."

"I never noticed."

"Mr I-Never-Stare... yeah right."

"We'll never get to the café at this rate," I said, taking Janine by the hand and setting off again.

"Ok, but there's a point to all this. If seeing me with another woman is going to turn you on... well... I think it might turn me on too. No men though. I never want any man other than you touching me, ever."

"I'd never ask you to do anything you didn't want, you know that. And I have no interest in sharing you with another man, ever." I realised that this would be construed as saying I wanted to share her with a woman. "Women? Well that's entirely up to you. Unless you meet someone you fancy, it's never likely to be an issue."

"Hmm."

We arrived at the café, went in and ordered, and found a seat by the window. I took the opportunity to change the subject.

"Do you have an up-to-date passport?"

"I have never had a passport. I thought we'd decided that Australia would have to wait until next year. Plenty of time to sort it out."

"Ok, but we need to go abroad sooner than that."

"Why?"

"Not the question I was expecting."

"What were you expecting?"

"Where."

"Ok, where?" Janine paused and grinned. "And why?"

"Gibraltar." I grinned back. "Research."

"I don't understand."

"Ok, well... the chapter I am working on just now seems to involve Gibraltar quite a lot. I've never been there, and I am struggling to write authentically about somewhere I have never seen or spent time in. So, I think maybe I need to spend a few days writing there instead of here." Janine's eyes narrowed, indicating displeasure at the idea of me going away. "I haven't worked out any of the details yet. Actually, I was rather hoping that my Personal Assistant would take care of all that." I smiled at her. "She would be able to join me on the trip, obviously... but only if she gets a bloody passport." My personal assistant, of course, was Janine, not that her job involved very much actual work.

"Gibraltar?" Janine looked at me with a slightly puzzled expression. "I don't actually know where that is."

"It sticks out of Spain, at the bottom, near Morocco, but it's British. I don't need to go tomorrow or anything, but soon. I gather it's quite warm there at the moment, but it gets really hot in a couple of months."

"Sounds nice. What do I need to do then?"

"We'll make a list of what needs doing - flights, accommodation and so on - and I will give you a budget, but the very first thing you need to do is a passport application."

"Shit," said Janine. "They're going to want my birth certificate, aren't they?"

"I imagine so."

"Mum has it." She frowned. "I don't want anything to do with her, you know that. Can you ask her for me."

"Let's get the forms and see whether you need it." I paused for a moment. The last time I'd seen Sally she'd attempted quite literally to seduce me away from her daughter. "You know, you really should get in touch and let her know you're ok."

"Let's see whether she makes another play for you when you ask for my birth certificate."

"Let's go to the Post Office and get the forms," I replied. "Then we can come back here and start planning over another coffee."

"I thought you wanted to go to the tattoo place."

"We can do that too."

Our visit to the Post Office was a short one. The counter clerk eyed us suspiciously for a moment before announcing, in bored tone of voice, "Cheaper and quicker online." We took the hint, thanked her, and left. The tattoo parlour was more successful. Janine went in and asked for Sharon, who had done her nipple piercings and the temporary tattoo a few months before. A few moments later, a woman appeared from the back of the shop: late thirties, I guessed, with a full figure encased in a tight, strappy top and a short skirt. Predictably, she had a lot of tattoos.

"Hello love, what can I do for you?" Sharon smiled. I saw her eyes flicker in my direction as she clocked the age difference, but she said nothing.

"I'd like to show you something," said Janine, "And see whether you can do something to go with it."

"Ok, let's have a look," Sharon replied, presumably expected to be handed something. Her husband was working on something in a corner. There was no-one else in the shop. Janine, being Janine, didn't hesitate, undoing the tie of her dress and holding it open. She wore nothing underneath, obviously.

"Can you do a tattoo design based on these?"

"Wow," said Sharon. "They're gorgeous. Did Ellen make these?"

"You know her?"

"Yes, a bit." Sharon paused. "You'd better cover up before we get reported for keeping a disorderly house." Janine closed the dress. "I would need a picture to work from, but if it's Ellen's design, I shouldn't copy it without her permission."

I was quite pleased at this turn of conversation. As a writer, I was deeply concerned about intellectual property and so on. Janine thought about it for a moment.

"I've been doing some modelling work for Ellen. I don't think she'll mind as long as we are up front about it. I would go straight back and show her. We wondered whether you might be able to promote each other's businesses by sharing designs. This is a new design -- she hasn't started selling it yet."

"I think I'd need to speak to her," said Sharon. "But that's not a problem. Are you talking permanent or temporary?"

"Temporary." Janine glanced my way. I said nothing.

"And where do you want it?"

"Same as before."

"I thought so." Sharon gave a little smirk. "And you're going to go straight back and show Ellen."

"Yes, but she doesn't know about it yet."

Sharon looked at me, knowingly. I remained silent.

"Show me the design again." Janine opened the dress again, unfazed by her exposure. "Can I take a quick picture -- just the jewellery, obviously." Janine nodded, Sharon produced her phone and took a couple of photographs. "Leave it with me for today -- can you pop back tomorrow afternoon?"

"Definitely."

"I'd prefer you to let Ellen know what you're doing." That little smirk again, then: "And you can cover up again now."

"Ok," Janine retied her dress. "And I'll give her a call."

We said goodbye and returned to the Bridge Café, where we did a little research on passport applications, flights to Gibraltar, accommodation there and so on. An hour later we set out for home, walking hand in hand back to the cottage, mostly in silence. Janine did not return to the earlier topic, probably sensing that it had not been a comfortable conversation for me. As we walked, one distinct memory played over and over in my mind: a slim, pale woman, lying on her back with her head over the edge of the bed, long dark hair hanging down. Another woman -- Catherine -- lying between the dark-haired girl's raised knees and clasping her impressively large tits, watching my cock thrusting in and out of the girl's mouth.

Janine was naked even before I had opened the door of the cottage, removing her dress in the garden. The sight of her slim, pale body had me hard in seconds and from somewhere deep inside I was seized by a primeval instinct to take, to dominate.

"Bedroom," I said, stripping off my clothing. "Lie down." Janine laid back with her head on the pillows but I took her by the arm and pulled her around so that her head hung back over the end of the bed. I stood over her and fed my cock into her mouth, reaching down to hold her by her little breasts. This was a new position for Janine and she fidgeted a little for a comfortable angle as I pushed my cock deeper into her mouth. Janine's deepthroating skills were still developing, but she knew to overcome the gag reflex by swallowing, and was able to accommodate the head of my cock in her throat. Normally she would be in control, but not today. I began to thrust. She took it well, but eventually pushed at me to pull out. Gulping a breath, she reached around to hold my buttocks, pulling me back into her mouth with a single word.

"More."

I fucked her throat, fixated on her pale, writhing body and seeing, in my minds eye, that other woman, similarly slim and pale but with much bigger breasts, taking my cock in the same way whilst Catherine, my dear departed wife, greedily licked at her pussy. The memory triggered my orgasm. I rammed my cock deep into Janine's throat, ignoring her moan of protest as I pulsated semen into her, then pulled about and stood back as she choked and recovered her breath.

"Wow, that was... intense."

"You ok?"

"God yes. Took me by surprise a bit though."

"I love you."

"Hold me."

We cuddled for ages. Janine didn't say a word, and I was glad of the opportunity to sort out my emotions. Honesty had got us this far, I decided, so I knew what must be done.

"Indian or Chinese?"

"Indian," Janine replied. "Whose turn is it to drive."

"Taxi." We would both need a drink.

"Oooh," Janine giggled. "You don't need to get me drunk you know. My body is yours whenever and however you want it."

"Slut." I kissed her.

"Your slut." Janine kissed me back. "No-one else's."

I booked the taxi and the restaurant, and got dressed. Janine waited until the last possible moment and then appeared in a short black skirt and a nearly see-through blouse through which her breasts were teasing rather than ostentatious, Ellen's latest jewellery keeping things technically decent.

"New blouse?"

"Ellen gave it to me. All part of the design, apparently."

"Nice."

The taxi arrived and off we went. The restaurant was quiet and we sipped our wine, waiting for the food to arrive. Here we go, I thought. Now or never.

"You were asking about Catherine and other women."

"Only if you don't mind."

"It's not whether I mind," I said. "I was thinking about Catherine. Would she mind." I paused. "She'd have liked you, and she'd understand that you make me happy. So I think she'd be ok with me telling you what happened."

"Ok."

"We had a bit of a sub-dom thing going in those days. I used to tie her up. She liked me to take control, be rough. She used to push me to go further than I wanted sometimes, in terms of pain and so on. Loved having bruises and marks on her body."

"So do I." Janine's eyes sparkled. "You can bruise me if you want."

"Anyway," I continued. "If we were away from home, Cathy used to show off a bit. One evening we were in this pub in Manchester and there was this woman, and she noticed the bruises. The pair of them got talking and I didn't think anything of it really. They went off to the loo together a couple of times and suddenly I noticed that there was some touching and kissing going on. I'd never been so turned on." Janine was staring at me intently but said nothing. "I bought them a couple of drinks and then Cathy asked if she could take her new friend back to our hotel. I knew she'd thought about sex with a woman, so I told her it was fine as long as it didn't mean I was getting dumped, and the woman -- I don't remember her name -- she said something about me joining in if I was lucky. So I let them go off, and then I got a text saying that I should give them an hour to themselves before I went back." I chuckled at the memory. "The next message simply said, 'You'll need condoms.' So I bought some in a Tesco Express or somewhere like that, and had my first ever threesome."

"Lucky boy," said Janine, green eyes twinkling.

"After that, there were a few similar encounters, and then Catherine discovered that one of her friends was newly single and curious about sex with a woman, and she became a regular third person in our relationship. Things got a bit rocky though."

"In what way?"

"Well, the friend enjoyed the threesomes well enough, but she wasn't as bi as she'd thought she might be. She started turning up when Cathy wasn't about and offering herself on a plate... and I didn't have the self-discipline to turn her down."

"And Catherine found out?"

"Catherine came home early one afternoon and found us going at it over the arm of the sofa. That was the end of the friendship and it was nearly the end of us. After that there were no more women... or at least none for a good while."

A waiter arrived with our food and we were quiet for the next half hour while we ate. Janine finished before me and I felt her eyes boring into my brain. Eventually she could contain herself no longer.

"So... there were more women after the friend incident."

"One."

"And?"

"And she became a part of our lives in a way that no one ever had before." I paused for a moment. I had been trying to figure out how to explain this. "Our daughter was grown up and living on the other side of the world, so we weren't worried about appearances. Everything felt... comfortable, I suppose, so she just sort of moved in, and we were three." Janine's eyes widened a little. "She lived with us for about a year. I was deeply in love with Catherine and nothing could have parted us, but..." I couldn't say the name. "This person didn't want to part us. I think she genuinely loved us both. She had a real submissive thing going for me, but she was head over heels in love with Cathy. We all fancied each other rotten of course. She lived in our house, slept in our bed. And then... well, everything went wrong."

"Did you misbehave again?"

"No." I took a deep breath. "Catherine was diagnosed with cancer, and she got very ill, very quickly. Things went from bad to worse over a period of about six weeks and Cathy went into hospital. The dynamic was suddenly weird, with two of us in the house, sharing a bed, and no Cathy. I got home one day and our friend had just cleared out... gone."

"And you never heard from her again?"

"She sent a card, addressed to Catherine. It said she was really sorry and that she was unable to continue with things while Cathy was so ill." I could feel myself beginning to get tearful. "It arrived a day after Catherine passed away. There was an address -- her parents' I think."

"Did you write back?"

"No." I took a breath. "I was pretty annoyed about it all."

"Why?"

"Because maybe she should have seen Cathy before she went... explained things face to face. Perhaps I just wasn't thinking straight."

"So you never told her that Cathy passed?"

"No." I wiped a tear from my left eye. "She must know though. It was obvious what was happening."

"What did you do with the card?"

"No idea," I lied. I knew exactly where the card was, and even as I said it I wondered why I hadn't told the truth. "There's a box file of sympathy cards somewhere. It might be in that. Not that it matters. She left. Cathy died. They're both gone."

Janine covered my hand with her own, leaned forward and kissed me.

"Well, I'm here now, and I'm going nowhere." She kissed me again. "I hope Catherine approves... I think she does."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because everything I hear about what made you two happy together seems perfectly natural to me." Her green eyes danced at me. "So, if you want to tie me up... or see me with another woman... or both... it's all good."

"Like I said, it can't just be because I want it... you have to want it too."

"Well then," Janine's eyes flashed mischievously, "We'll see, won't we."

In the taxi home, Janine took my hand and placed it in her lap, interlacing her fingers with mine, and said nothing. Once inside the cottage, she was naked in seconds, wrapping her arms around me and holding me tighter then ever.

"Make love to me, please."

We went upstairs to the bedroom, where Janine settled on the bed and watched me undress. As I removed my trousers, she reclined her back and spread her legs, opening her pussy lips and gently rubbing her clitoris. My cock was hard by the time I took off my boxers. I moved forward, covering her tiny body with my bulky frame. As my cock pushed inside her, Janine's arms and legs wrapped around me and we began to move together. Not for the first time, I marvelled at my good fortune, not really knowing why I had been so blessed. We made passionate, but gentle, love for what seemed like forever, until I felt Janine shudder, the walls of her vagina tightening the grip on my cock and bringing on my own climax. We held one another in silence.

"I love having your cum inside me," she said, sleepily, and we both fell asleep.

I woke early and reluctantly disengaged myself from Janine, who was still fast asleep. I started a pot of coffee and then went to my office, to where the box file of sympathy cards stood on the shelf, exactly as it had done since the day we moved in. I took the box down and opened it, resisting the temptation to read the stack of cards inside... I didn't need reminding of all the sadness. The particular card I sought was, I knew, at the very bottom, and I removed it, replacing the box on the shelf. The card was still in its envelope and I turned it over and over in my hand, unable to face reading its contents. Eventually I placed it in the centre of my desk, no longer sure why I had even bothered to find it, and went to finish making the coffee.