Joker 10: War Within

I want to desperately to be good.... but I also desire to be really really bad. The war within me constantly rages. I want to give in. I want to completely submit to the cravings I feel. I want to have this Joker ravage me with more than just his eyes. Lords I want to know what EVERYTHING about him feels like on and IN me. Frustration, constant sexual frustration. FUCK.

The deeper, darker desires... maybe they've always been lurking in the receded corners of my mind, but they've certainly stepped into the light since this Joker crashed into my life. Being pinned, tied up, handcuffed, spanked and all sorts of other things I can't formulate words to describe or name out loud... I definitely want the t-shirt accomplishment for. I dunno why or how trust came so easily, but it has. Nothing has REALLY been done YET... that operative word that leaves the interpretation that there WILL be an opportunity... I certainly am NOT entertaining ANY other options.

I'm not a ruined as I thought. Joker's voice will send me over the edge when I'm alone. Summoning his image will as well I've discovered, but other stimuli have no affect. I'm telling you, this man... when my limited self control breaks fully... oh buddy he's gonna get a wild ride. Never before have I forced myself to behave this harshly... I've always been the "go with the flow" or "jump and consequences be damned" person. Dammit, I want to jump. I want to jump in so many ways it's ridiculous. I'm unsure of how much longer my resolve to restrain myself will last. With every encounter it slips, yet, I cannot just stay away. I'm drawn in... a moth to the flame... magnetically... like a wolf howling at the moon.

The more I learn about him, the more things we similarly share the mindset of, and the attraction I feel deepens. Gods I crave him. Of course I crave him in the physical sense, being pinned beneath the strong lines of that fully male body... but it's more than just that. I like seeing the smile that lights up his face, the timber of his voice, the way he smells, his laugh, the glances that last just a little longer then they should, the slightly shy hesitancy at times, the dominance in others, the stumbling of words, watching the muscles ripple as he works, watching that swagger as he walks away... some of these things happen to the both of us... I adore it all...

The sexual tension is ever present, yet, there are times when it's on the back burner. Moments of extreme tenderness.... just enjoying the other's company, energy, the eye of the storm calmness. The safety that engulfs the shared space and lingers after every encounter is astounding. I've never felt the like of it. To be wrapped up in those muscular arms pulled tight against that body of his.... there's no where I feel safer. I actually sleep comfortably, another unusual thing in my world. I would let this Joker do damn near anything he wanted to me, if he wished to do it. There's only a few exceptions.

I've found myself ordering things in preparation of future events, things to enhance the pleasure that will be had. Mouth watering mints, lingerie, various tongue rings INCLUDING vibrating ones (various pressure points and sensations WILL be had by Joker and I CANNOT wait to be the one that delivers them)... a remote vibrator hasn't made the list YET... but I CAN confirm it has crossed my mind more than once, his too. That would make anywhere within range HIGHLY interesting to say the least. Some of these items I've never had, some I haven't bothered with owning for YEARS... but I FULLY intend on Joker know EXACTLY my skill set in the oral department. I WILL have all my tools and be fully prepared like the good little girl scout I was long long ago. It will be delicious. I eagerly await the time I can devour him! If only I could speed up time, alas, I cannot.

The familiarity I see reflected in his eyes is breathtaking. I see to torturous wounds longing to be healed. I see the pain of last relationships and the yearning of just wanting to be chosen by someone who truly and deeply cares enough to do so. In many ways I do feel like I'm looking into my own tortured soul. Beaten and bruised yet still growing in the cracks like a wildflower... a weed... too stubborn to just give up yet craving the warmth of the sun, the nourishment of the soil, the life force of the rain. Joker haunts me... he haunts my thoughts, he teases my body, the pulls at my soul... even when he's nowhere near my physical being. This addiction, this craving, this... whatever it is... it's the absolute most powerful thing I've experienced. I feel myself changing, and in a more positive manner! My habitual nightmares have ceased since he collided with my life. I no longer dream of car crashes or injuries affecting those I love... they were a multiple times a week occurrence just a few months ago. I cannot remember the last one I had.

The profound way he's affecting my being is nothing short of amazing to me and in ways I never dreamed possible. I hope this journey doesn't end anytime soon... but if it has to, Joker has already made me flourish in ways I never expected and will not leave me.

Until my next addition.????