It's All My Ex-wife's Fault

Many of my problems can be blamed on my first wife, Kim. Every cell in my body loved her and I cried at her feet, begging her to come home with me the first time she left me. Maybe we should have gone to counseling then but money was tight and we never got around to it. The second time she left me was worse because we had two little girls by then. I would walk around our quiet apartment and find a little sock or doll on the floor and cry again. I needed her back, I needed my girls back but this time I could not get off work to drive the four hours to where her parents lived.

The point was muted when her sister called me to say that my wife had taken up with Bryan, her old boyfriend and left her mother to take care of my girls. She said I always put my cheating slut wife on such a pedestal, a pedestal she didn't deserve.

I was devasted, I cried like a god damn baby. Two days later Kim called acting all sweet and shit, I barely said a word. She wanted to know if something bothered me and I told her to talk to her sister Rachel.

War must have erupted on the mountain where they lived. My phone was ringing every five minutes. This was before cell phones, before answering machines, just an old fashioned wall phone. I had my beer and a baseball game on, that was all I needed, everything else was gone. The phone had gone silent for an hour or more, my team lost and it was time to go to bed when the phone rang again as I walked by.

I answered the phone and heard my father-in-law sobbing and muttering something unintelligible on the other end. He was never one of my favorite people, he never did me wrong, we were just completely different people. He was generally drunk so I wasn't sure if his babble was from drinking or something else.

He finally calmed down enough to say that Rachel was a cheating slut, always was and Kim was nothing like her. Kim was his good girl and would never do what Rachel said. He was begging me to believe him and started sobbing again. I never heard a grown man cry like that. And then he put Kim on. Kim insisted Rachel was just jealous because she was getting divorced again. Kim started crying and begged me to let her come home.

I was confused and didn't know who to believe. My father-in-law even sober was far from being the sharpest knife in the draw, maybe before decades of alcohol abuse, but that wasn't the man I spoke to tonight. It would be easy for Kim or anybody else to fool him. I was thinking of asking to speak to my mother-in-law when I saw one of the kids toys on the floor. I told Kim to come home.

She was there when I came home from work the next day, her eyes were puffy from crying. The girls were confused, happy to be home but concerned about their mother. They were three and one at the time. I was sure I could get some details from the oldest about her stay on the mountain as we called it but that felt wrong. Kim always insisted the Rachel was lying, they always had a rivalry growing up and Rachel couldn't stand to see her happily married. What did I know?

Maybe forever more there would always be a doubt in my mind whether Kim had cheated on me. Not forever more because almost three months later, Kim revealed she was pregnant. Revealed isn't the right word because I figured it out. I always did the shopping and Kim hadn't asked me to pick her up pads since she was back. I checked the closet in the bathroom and that same package still sat on the shelf. That may have been fine but we committed to only two kids when we got married and I had been snipped right after our second was born.

My mind went in every direction possible. I called an old friend who was recently divorced, he said between spousal support, child support and his lawyer bills he had to move back in with his parents and barely had enough money for a six pack on payday.

What I had to do was confront Kim, after putting the girls to bed I walked into the living room and turned off the TV. Kim started to complain...

"You're pregnant," I said.

"I know," was her response and she ran into our bedroom and locked the door.

We avoided each other for a couple of days until I demanded she sit down with me.

"I'm fucked," I said. "Not only did you fuck your old boyfriend but you fucked me too. We can't afford to get divorced and I don't want to lose the girls."

Kim was crying and said, "What are you suggesting."

"There's nothing to suggest Kim. I'm fucked."

I went to bed and tried to sleep. Kim came in later, she was still crying and said she was sorry. I wanted to scream, sorry for what, for spreading your legs, for calling your sister a liar, for duping your father to cover for you, for bringing another man's baby into our life? But instead I cried myself to sleep.

Somewhere in my addled mind I decided I had to think of the baby, he or she didn't deserve any of this. Kim was a wreck and I had to force her to see an Ob Gyn. We still slept in the same bed and one night she initiated sex. She was crying when we were done.

"You don't love me anymore," she said.

"What did you fucking expect Kim while you're carrying another man's baby in your belly."

Every few days she would initiate sex again, sometimes she cried, other times she insisted she was going to win me back. Sometimes I fucked her with a vengeance and she cried because I hurt her and she could feel my hate.

Life went on during the rest of her pregnancy, we needed a bigger place and kid furniture so the baby could take over the crib and Kim got bigger and bigger. Plus all the little shit that creeps into an unhappy couple's life, add in Lamaze classes.

A hurdle I had to leap was telling my family that Kim was pregnant again. We would see them at family barbecue on the fourth of July, Kim was due in August so she would be at least seven months pregnant. After our second daughter was born, my family was pushing us to try again for a boy, someone to carry on the family name. I had told all of them at one time or another that I had been snipped. Kim didn't want to go, but I told her eventually they'll know so why put off the pain. Surprisingly, no one mentioned the vasectomy. Everyone gave Kim hugs, said how beautiful she looked and offered their condolences for spending most of the summer pregnant.

The little girl was born in at the end of August, she looked nothing like her sisters at birth. I immediately shoved that thought out of my mind. After the birth, we went home and tried to live in the ashes of our marriage. Kim was getting frustrated that I would not or could not move on from her infidelity. But I loved the baby, easily as much as I loved her sisters. The thought that someone else fathered her never entered my mind.

Kim lost interest in the girls over the next year, I can't think of a better way to describe it. I mean the girls were clean and fed but she stopped playing with them and almost ignored the baby at least when I was home. By Christmas of that year she began spending time at a girlfriends house on the other side of town. By the following summer, she would head over to her girlfriend's house as soon as I got home leaving me to feed the kids, bathe them and put them to bed. I would do those things whether she was home or not so it didn't bother me. Life was more peaceful when she wasn't there. It came up in conversation one night, she said, "you will never love me again, not like before."

It became a bigger deal when I told her I was taking the kids to my mother's on my vacation and she wasn't invited. Besides a vacation from work which was stressing me out lately, so was our lifestyle. Surprisingly, the girls were not bothered that their mother wasn't joining us. My mother lived about 30 minutes away from Kim's mother so I let Helen know we would be in the area.

My mother had her radar up as soon as we came in. She was overly happy to see her granddaughters, showed them this massive wooden doll house she bought for them and basically ignored me as she sat on the floor and played with the older two. I wasn't complaining. When it was time to put them down for a nap, the grilling began although I was still feeding that baby.

"Where's Kim," was her first question.

"She's home and before you ask, I didn't invite her on the trip."

"Why?"

"We haven't been getting along, I needed some space." The baby had finished her bottle and I was changing her diaper.

"She isn't yours," my mother said somewhere between an accusation and a question.

"Biologically no, but she owns my heart as much as her sisters, besides she's peed on me more that her two sisters combined."

"Who are you and what did you do with my son, not that I would prefer him to the man standing in front of me."

"Mom, there's no reason on this planet or any other that this little angel should suffer for the sins of her mother."

In so many ways, my mother was a better grandmother than a mother. Sometimes I wanted to ask what she did with the woman who raised me.

On the third day, my mother-in-law Helen came to visit. I can't describe these two grandmothers with haughty English accents having make believe tea with their granddaughters. My girls laughed so hard I was afraid they would piss themselves. After the girls laid down for their naps and the adults had real tea.

Helen said, "Jack, I can remember you crying, begging Kim to come home with you. I told her then that you were a man who truly loved her and to never fuck that up. So what does she do, she fucks it up worse that I can imagine. I talked to her yesterday and she's pissed she wasn't invited on your trip to see your mother. I am not blaming you, god I'm so impressed watching you take care of the baby. But I have to warn you she's planning on leaving you and going back with that scumbag. She's leaving the kids with you because he doesn't want to raise someone else's kids, pretty ironic isn't it."

My mom asked me what I was going to do. My mom and Helen had been friendly for a long time, not best friends. Helen grew up in the mountains, my mom grew up in the city and retired to the mountains. It was on a visit to my mom that I met Kim.

"I don't know what I'm going to do, daycare is extremely expensive. Easily more than I can afford."

"You're not going to fight for her to stay," asked Helen.

"What would be the point, our marriage is dead. Between the infidelity and the lies there's nothing left. Now Kim is always over her girlfriends house or so she says but she comes home reeking of beer and cigarettes. I try not to think about what she's doing while she's out and probably wouldn't believe what she said anyway. She had her tubes tied after the baby was born so at least she won't end up pregnant again."

My mother came to stay with me when Kim left. I rarely saw Kim after that because she basically ghosted her daughters who rarely seemed to care. There was a point that I thought I hated Kim and the way she treated her daughters brought that hatred to a whole new level. It was so hard to be nice to her when she would grace the girls with her presence. Never again I told myself.

But life moves on, eventually all three girls were in school and I could afford day care so my mom moved back to the mountain. My life had been devoted to the girls, once homework or other necessities were done, we played. They loved the swings and other stuff at the playground, they loved when I read them books at night, they loved going to the movies and the loved going to the shore.

A single mom moved into the apartment next to me right after my mom moved back to the mountain. Kathy was definitely easy on the eyes. Kathy's daughter Rene was in school with my oldest and they soon became good friends. There was a small playground in the apartment complex we lived in that I would take the girls to after dinner and Kathy and her daughter were soon joining us. I tried to keep things with Kathy platonic. One night, Rene slept over and we had a kid movie playing. After that, we put the kids to bed and put on a more mature movie.

Kathy got up to fill our wine glasses, sat down next to me and started kissing me.

While she kissed me, she undid my fly and pulled my cock out. Once it was free she dropped to her knees and gave me the most incredible blow job. It was the first time anyone ever deep throated me. When I came, she sucked every drop out of me. I returned the favor and was surprised to find a clean shaven pussy. As soon as she came from my tongue, I bent her over the coffee table and fucked her hard and she squirted, another first for me.

After that she was insatiable and open to anything. The next night I fucked her ass. Kathy had a wide selection of lingerie and she loved to walk from her apartment to mine almost naked. She had a video monitor so she could watch her daughter sleep.

After the first week, I learned that Kathy liked it rough. I had just stepped out of the shower and she dropped to her knees and started sucking my cock. On an impulse, I grabbed a handful oof her hair and started face fucking her. She had one hand mauling her tits and the other squeezing her pussy. I pulled her off my cock and asked her if she liked it. I still had a handful of her hair and she was pulling hard, trying to get her mouth back on my cock. Answer me I commanded. Finally she said yes. I jammed my cock into her mouth and felt her cum. I pulled her off again, holding her mouth an inch away from my cock.

"Are you a slut for cock."

"Yes, but only your slut and your cock."

There was a point over the next few months that I though she was going to fuck me to death. At least twice every night plus a few extras on the weekend. If she was on her period, she sucked the life out of me and I fucked her ass.

Kathy squirted so often that we had to get a plastic cover for the bed. She said no one ever made her come like that before. I didn't believe her. She volunteered to tell her girlfriends who would be lining up outside the door. If I was so special in the bedroom, why did my wife feel the need to go back with her old boyfriend.

There were things I didn't like about Kathy, she seemed to get upset over stupid little shit and there was always a sense that she was not honest with me.

But the thing that bothered me the most was my complete lack of attachment to her. I remembered looking at my wife while she was sleeping, before the world went to shit and feeling love for her. I usually had that feeling for other women I had sex with before Kim. Even when Kathy and I were cuddling after sex I felt nothing towards her.

I was nine months into my lease when I started house hunting. I never told Kathy and would just arrange for the daycare center to keep the kids for an extra hour. If Kathy asked, I would tell her I had to work late.

Our relationship hit an ending point around that time anyway. Sometimes Kathy would watch the girls if I could work overtime on Saturday. Like most Friday nights, we would split a couple of pizzas and watch some kid movies. My oldest was chatty that night and instead of watching the movie, she was telling me about her day. I loved when the girls discussed their day with me. Sometimes I would have to make them take turns. There was some tween girl saga about who liked who and who blabbed about it to someone else. My daughter was excited and I was enthralled listening to her.

As the movie ended, Kathy took her daughter's hand and announced she was leaving. I followed her to the door and asked what was going on. Kathy said I basically ignored her all evening and she wasn't going to put up with that shit. As she stepped out she announced she wasn't going to watch the girls in the morning. I was done.

Kathy came by the next morning in time for me to go to work but I already had the kids dressed and ready to go to a sitter we both used. As I got in my car she shouted she was sorry. I stepped out and quietly told her we were done, I'll stop by before I pick up the girls and so she could gather her stuff from my apartment. She was crying when I left. There was no way I would allow any woman in my life get angry because I was talking to one of my girls.

Kathy tortured me for weeks, begging to get back together, knocking on my door almost naked. She begged me to go to counseling with her, I don't remember why I agreed but it was a good choice. Kathy had a long standing relationship with the counselor, something I didn't know until we sat down.

The counselor turned to Kathy and asked what she wanted out of these sessions.

She said, "I fucked up, I know I fucked up, I should never have reacted the way I did when Jack was enjoying a special moment with his daughter. I was horrified the way I acted, like I was jealous of his relationship with his daughter. I want Jack to find a way in his heart to forgive me, so we can go back to the loving relationship we had before."

"What do you want Jack?"

"I want an end to this relationship, I want Kathy to move on and leave me alone."

Kathy started sobbing loudly, "But why Jack, I said I was sorry."

I was trying to formulate and answer to her question when the counselor jumped in, "The why doesn't matter Kathy, he clearly told you what he wants and specifically that he doesn't want to reestablish the relationship with you."

"But why, I need to know why."

"Then make up a reason Kathy because you'll never believe any reason he gives you. Tell yourself its because you have blue eyes and Jack decided he doesn't like women with blue eyes."

The two of them were in a loop, Kathy saying she needed to know why and the counselor telling her she didn't. After fifteen minutes of that, I asked if it was okay if I left. The counselor thanked me for coming in, Kathy started wailing.

Living next door to her was mistake because we saw each other frequently. Kathy wouldn't let her daughter talk to mine anymore, which I thought was incredibly childish. A few times I saw her going out in the evening dressed like a hooker.

I finally found a house I liked and made an offer, it was a buyer's market and my offer was quickly accepted. The deal closed when there was two weeks left on my lease and with a rented U-Haul and some friends, we moved our stuff to our first home.

Kathy came out as we were finishing up and gave the girls hugs. She went to hug me and I hugged her back. She whispered in my ear, "You really aren't that good in bed Jack, I was faking it." "And neither are you Kathy, do you think I could walk away if you were. And now you know the why."

I easily blocked her attempt to slap me. "We could have parted as friends Kathy, two adults who fate brought together and had some good times before going our separate ways, instead where standing here throwing insults at each other like we're in middle school." And that was as close to why as she was going to get.

Kim broke my heart but Kathy scared the shit out of me. I started counseling, the counselor jumped on my father's alcoholism and blamed all my problems on that because I spent my life taking care of my younger siblings. I had confused love with being needed. And therefore I found women in distress and established relationships with them. I thought he was full of shit. My relationship with Kathy was friends with benefits because she was great in bed.

Years past and I barely dated, I wasn't meeting a lot of women and the few times I went to singles bars I was happy to go home alone. Sarah, the wife of my good friend Joe had different plans for me. They had a big pool in their backyard with frequent barbecues and the girls and I were always on the guest list along with a few single women. Sarah would always find a way to casually introduce these women to me. It was funny how some had no interest in dating me and did nothing to hide it. I thought Sarah was going to slap one of the women as she literally sneered at me. I always tried to be polite, I really had no interest in dating anybody.

One woman named Jesse was more persistent.

After making sure the girls had food, I got in line for my food and Jesse appeared behind me.

"Just the three Jack," she asked.

"You think that's not enough," I responded jokingly.

"Well, seeing how well you handled three I thought you might have practice handling more. Where's the mom?"

"I'm surprised Sarah didn't give you my full bio, mom disappeared over a decade ago."

"I wasn't planning on coming so I passed on the bio, I changed my mind about coming and I changed my mind on the bio watching you mother your girls."

"My mom always says I'll make some woman a wonderful wife someday. So why don't you give me your bio Jesse."

As we ate, she told me her husband recently divorced her because she couldn't have kids but not before knocking up his girlfriend. She worked with Sarah for the last ten years. Sarah had been trying to get her to come to one of these barbecues

to meet this great guy who was friends with her husband.

"So why now Jesse, why this barbecue?"

"I needed to get out of my house, it would have been easier to come if there wasn't this great single guy here."

"Ha," I said, "Most women don't consider me single because I already have three wives. The women in my office did a poll on most eligible bachelors in the workplace and I wasn't even on the list."

"Did that hurt your feelings Jack?"

"What makes you think I have feelings, besides I wouldn't trade what I have for anything."

"I see the way you smile at your girls Jack, the way you played with them in the pool, I call bullshit on your lack of feelings. Sarah is smiling at us by the way."

With the exception of spending time with my daughters, Jesse was at my side, sometimes she was at my side even then. The girls were pretty self sufficient by then and my oldest usually mothered her younger sisters. The girls and I were saying our goodbyes as we headed to the door and my oldest grabbed my hand.

"You forgot to say goodbye to Jesse dad."

She led me over to Jesse and I said it was nice meeting her, she was responding in kind when my daughter handed her a napkin. "That's my father's phone number, don't wait for him to call you." I shrugged my shoulders as she led me and her sisters out to the car. Who put her in charge I thought.

After her shower, she sat down next to me on the couch, it was time for a reverse father daughter talk. "Jesse really likes you dad, I could see it in her face. I'm in high school, my sisters are right behind me and we don't want you to be alone when we go off to college."

"Being alone is the least of my concerns sweetheart. But she was easy to talk to."

"And hot dad."

"It's not your job to worry about me, I've been finding my way for decades."

"Are you going to call her?"

"Well I think you put the ball in her court so we'll see how that plays out."

That was on Sunday, on Wednesday my oldest handed me the phone, "It's for you dad."

I took the phone and said hello.

I heard Jesse say "Jack?"

"Hi Jesse, to what do I owe the pleasure of this call?"

"You called me Jack."

I looked up and my three daughters who were standing at the edge of the hallway, burst out laughing and ran into their rooms.

"Was that your girls I heard laughing Jack? Are they the ones who called me? I need to go Jack."

"Please wait Jesse, yes they called you and I'll deal with them later. Fortunately I don't believe in capital punishment. I was hoping you would call me so I could invite you out to dinner on Friday if you don't have any plans."

"Jack, would you have asked me out to dinner if your girls hadn't called me?"

"Well, I did ask Sarah for your number this afternoon which she happily gave to me.

That was the easy part, actually getting up the nerve to call you was going to be the hard part."

"I don't bite Jack."

"And its been a very long time since I asked a woman out on a date. Do people still do that or is it all swipe right or left?"

"You think I have a clue? But in answer to your question, I don't have plans for

Friday or any other day for that matter and I would love to go out to dinner with you. Just you or you and the girls, I'm easy either way."

"Just me Jesse, now the real hard part where to go, is there a place you like?"

"Jack, are there two phones in your house because Sarah is texting us a list of restaurants."

"Four actually and the girls all have Aunt Sarah's number in their phones for emergencies."

We ended up selecting a restaurant and agreed I would pick her up at seven.

Jesse and I got along really well and the girls loved her. Jesse and I were cuddling one night after sex and I said, 'I love you.' It wasn't a planned thought, it just came out and Jesse's eyes popped open. I realized I had fallen in love with her even though I swore to myself I would never let that happen again.

We had been dating pretty steady for over a year and I think most of Jesse's belongings were in my house although she liked to spend most work nights at her house. On one of those work nights, my daughters sat me down and gave me their permission to ask Jesse to marry me. They were so serious and cute.

Jesse and I would usually go out to dinner a couple of times a month. I brought up the girls giving me permission to marry her, more as how cute they were.

Jesse put down her fork, took a sip of her wine and said, "Jack, are you asking me to marry you."

I realized I just stepped in a massive pile of shit. I babbled for a few minutes which was really pissing her off. For the first time in a really long time, I decided to be honest. "Jesse, I don't have the balls to come out and ask you that question without having some hint that you would say yes. If you said no, I'm not sure what I would do besides climb under the table."

Jesse had a tear in her eye, "I would have said yes Jack."

I slid the ring box across the table. "Jesse, will you marry me?"

Jesse slid her chair next to mine, "Yes Jack, will you put that ring on my finger."

I slide the ring on her finger and we kissed, some tables near us began clapping.

"I hope you like it, Sarah helped me pick it out."

"She's going to get a talking to on Monday, she lost her engagement ring wind surfing on her honeymoon and her husband wanted to replace it on their next anniversary so she had me going through catalogs with her."

We had just ordered dessert when our phones started buzzing, the girls were texting us big question marks and so was Sarah. "She said yes," I texted back and then we were all kinds of emojis including popping balloon, fireworks and just married signs.

Sarah wanted to elope, she went through all the pomp and circumstance once before. I was okay with that. Joe and Sarah were our witnesses along with the girls. They took the girls home with them while Jesse and I headed out to a BnB for a short honeymoon.

My mother had met Sarah a couple of times before but she wanted us to come visit her so Helen could meet her granddaughter's stepmother. The three women were sitting at the table and I took the girls for a walk, there was a mountain ridge near my mom's with a breathtaking view. We always was walked there when we visited my mom's. Sarah had seen it before but wanted to spend some time with Helen.

Sarah was quiet on the way home. I was afraid Helen said something to upset her, not on purpose, maybe just different cultures.

When we got home, Jesse said I needed to walk with her. I went to hold her hand but she shoved her hands in her pockets. I realized I just stepped in a massive pile of shit but I had no idea what this one was about.

About five minutes into the walk she said, "You youngest isn't your biological daughter and she doesn't know?"

I nodded.

"Jack, didn't you think that was something you should have told me, something I shouldn't have heard from your ex-mother-in-law for the first time. We're supposed to be husband and wife, that means no secrets between us Jack. I'm left wondering if I even know you. What else are you hiding from me?"

I had no words. It had been a long time since the idea that one of my children wasn't mine even crossed my mind.

"I need to go to my mother's for a couple of days Jack, I need to wrap my head around this and figure out who the fuck you are."

Jesse turned and walked away leaving me standing there. And I stood there for a long time. My oldest called me, wanting to know where I was and why Jesse left with a suitcase. I told her we had a little misunderstanding and would be home in a bit. Of course I didn't have a clue what to do. Being honest seemed to work the last time I stepped in shit with Jesse but this was going to be harder.

And I tried, I tried to sort it out in my mind, to put it in an email to Jesse. How do you explain to someone watching the woman you love, watching her belly swell with another man's baby knowing your fucked, trapped, and the only way out is too hit the reset button. It was easier to let Jesse go.

I deleted everything I wrote to her and started again.

Jesse,

I understand what you want but I can't or won't give that to you. I barely survived living it the first time and I refuse to relive it. I've done some research on lawyers and have attached information on a group that works through mediation. We haven't been married that long so it should be simple to separate.

Regards, Jack

The email sat in my draft folder for most of the week. Twice Jesse stopped by while I was at work to pick up her stuff. The girls knew shit was going on but didn't understand it. I told them that Jesse and I were going through a rough patch and we needed some time apart. Fortunately it was time to start visiting colleges so my oldest was busy choosing which colleges we would visit during an upcoming weeklong road trip. We were leaving Saturday morning.

On Friday I hit send after adding that the girls and I would be away for a week so she could get the rest of her stuff out of the house.

Jesse responded on Wednesday. She said, "The rest of my things are out of the house before we start looking at lawyers, will you go to counseling with me?"

I told her yes and to set something up.

My oldest was leaning towards Elon University in North Carolina, not too big and not too small. I thought she would do well there. There were two more schools on this trip and then some day trips when we got back.

The girls started grilling me on the ride home about Jesse, they missed her. I told them we were going to counseling and maybe that will help us get over things.

The counselor gave Jesse the floor after we walked in.

She said, "We've were recently married. Jack has three girls from his first marriage, wonderful girls. I can't have children which led to my divorce. I recently learned from the girl's maternal grandmother that the youngest child isn't Jack's biological child. The three girls all share the same mother. I'm hurt that Jack never shared that with me, I feel like I married a man and have no idea who he truly is. How can I feel safe with him if he hides stuff like that from me, what else is he hiding. I asked him to discuss it with me and he has refused, choosing divorce instead."

The counselor gave the floor to me:

I said, "I was never trying to hide anything, I rarely ever think that my youngest isn't my biological daughter. The pregnancy and birth were the worst periods of my life and I don't want to relive it. I put all of my feelings on hold so that little girl would feel loved when she came into this world."

The counselor asked, "So you knew the baby wasn't yours before she was born.

Do you know who the birth father is?"

"Yes, the birth father is her old boyfriend. I had a vasectomy right after our second child was born. My first wife and I agreed on only two when we were married."

"And when did and your first wife separate?"

"About a year after the baby was born she left to go back to her old boyfriend and then she ghosted us."

"So, if I may summarize," said the counselor, "Your first wife got pregnant by an old boyfriend after you had a vasectomy. Instead of leaving, you stood by the child and have raised her as one of you own as a single father with three girls."

I nodded.

"What else do you need to know Jesse?"

Jesse started babbling, she had begun crying before the counselor's summary.

"I think it's important that I know what he was feeling, his why for how he chose to handle it. There's a part of Jack I know nothing about."

"Jesse, there's many things couples don't share, the who's and why's of their first lovers. Intimate details of your first marriage or other lovers you have had. We go into marriage trusting in our heart that we're marrying a good person and is there anything that you've learned tonight that would suggest that Jack was not a good person. More like a fucking saint if you ask me."

Jesse started crying again, "But I need to know." She was repeating that when I told the counselor I was leaving. I'm not sure Jesse noticed that I had left.

Then it was time to meet with the lawyers. I expected Jesse to change course and at the first meeting with the lawyers I realized I didn't want her to change course. I was done. The gory details of Kim's pregnancy were never discussed with Jesse but they had been replaying in my mind like a horror movie. The phone call from Rachel, the phone call from her father, watching her belly swell. The time I was on me knees, crying and begging her to come back to me played often. Rational me knew those memories would fade again, irrational me hated Jesse for bringing them back to the surface.

The lawyers were preparing a memorandum of understanding which would be the basis for our separation. Every few days we would get an updated copy with proposed changes none of which were significant.

Jesse was waiting for me on my porch about a month after the counseling session:

"Jack, I want to stop the divorce proceedings, I want us to stay together. You look like shit by the way. I thought I looked bad, at least I have makeup to cover it up."

I was afraid the girls would overhear us so I asked her to walk with me.

"You don't understand how angry I am with you Jesse. I had all that shit with Kim so buried its had been years since I thought of it. And now every fucking scene gets replayed every fucking night in my head as I try and fall asleep. I should have just killed myself then, at least my suffering would be over. So no, I do not want to stop the divorce proceedings. Go home, get out of my fucking mind."

I went home and made dinner for the girls, probably banging stuff a little too loudly. I turned and my three girls were sitting at the table and they were obviously not happy with me.

As always, my oldest assumed the leadership position, "We heard Jesse ask you to stop the divorce and by the way you came marching back, its obvious that you said no. We want you to reconsider your decision."

Their look was killing me.

Middle daughter took her turn, "Dad, we're young women now. We know you took us through all the birds and bees stuff but do you know how to put on eye liner, lipstick or any other makeup."

"Or how to pick out a dress for the eight grade social," added my youngest.

"None of us understand what happened between you and Jesse and it's not our place to know," my oldest added. "And you have always put us first in your decisions but it doesn't seem like your doing that this time."

What sucked most is she was right, any time I had a decision to make, they were the priority but not this time. I was too angry, angry at the world. I looked at my three beautiful children and I had nothing to be angry about because it did not change anything that happened.

No one had touched the dinner I made. All eyes were on me when I picked up my cell and called Jesse, "Please meet me at the park," I said and Jesse said ok. I turned to the girls and told them they better eat their dinner or there would be no pudding tonight. It was an old line from somewhere and I managed to get some priceless smiles.

She was there before me, puffy eyes and all, "I'm so sorry Jack, I have no idea what it must have been like for you. I thought I could relate since my husband got his girlfriend pregnant, but I never saw her, never met her, never saw his baby grow in her belly. What a self-righteous fool I am. Even after you left the counseling session, I felt I knew better than the counselor. He finally got frustrated and asked me to leave. Thank you for knocking some sense into me."

"Well, three young women were knocking some sense into me, reminding me that this wasn't just about me."

"You called me because they wanted you to call me?"

"Don't think of it like that, they reminded me that any decision I make has to factor them into the equation and that's the way it's been for the last 18 years, they're only reason I didn't hit the reset button so long ago. Do you think I didn't think of them before I asked you out to dinner or asked you to marry me. None of that was for them, it was for me, but I was certainly thinking of how it would affect them. And for me, with them in mind, I'm asking you to stop the divorce proceedings and come home with me."

"Do you still love me Jack?"

"Yes Jesse, I still love you."

"Okay Jack, I'll stop the divorce proceedings and come home with you. I need to swing by my parents to get some stuff for work tomorrow."

On the way Jesse said, "I didn't get a chance to tell you what else Helen said, both Bryan and Kim got into drugs real bad. Bryan is in prison for armed robbery and Rachel told Helen that Kim has been whoring herself out to support her drug habit."

The girls welcomed us home, the worst was behind us.

Over few years I wrote it down, which became to the first page or two of this story. I offered it to Jesse and she refused to read. "I already know everything I need to know, you're a fucking saint," she said.