The Tallest Sub Ch. 03

(((This is a more freewheeling entry in the series with comedic elements based on my drunk persona. Feedback is always welcome.)))

I've always been a happy drunk. Someone once described me as 'a giant stumbling teddy bear' and 'a hug machine' while intoxicated. I tend to become best friends with people I had just met when drunk. Seriously, hang out with me for an hour and I am ride or die. I frequently wake up to texts like, "that was crazy, thank you so much. Don't go back Wawa for a few weeks until things calm down."

My now-friend Amit had met me when he'd been my Uber driver, and his sister had called him in the middle of a domestic violence incident. He said he needed to pull over to let me out and I could grab another car. I told him it would be safer if we got her together. That's how I found myself standing on a lawn behind a five-foot-eight-inch Amit, while his sister packed her stuff, and her boyfriend eyed us both. Do I know how to fight? Hell no, I'd have gotten my ass kicked in seconds. But I'd wanted to help.

Tonight, I had been at the bar for hours, and it was an increasingly frustrating experience. Being six-foot-five at a gay-friendly bar, meant every bottom on Earth was laying down their best game. I thought about setting up a deli ticket machine, or, at the very least, charging by the minute.

"If you tell me you're proportional, I'll have to crawl under this table and verify it... I want to climb you like a tree before riding that trunk... You are a tall drink of water, and I'm very thirsty... I'm going to have a friend stand on my shoulders in a trench coat so we can have a threesome."

Okay, if I'm being honest, that last one made me laugh. But I'm not interested in topping short guys, not even two at a time. I've known for a while now that I am a bottom to the core, and a lot of tops don't think to look up for their next conquest. The only upside to tonight is several of them had bought me drinks, and if I am going to be disappointed, I might as well also be drunk...

* * *

The drunker I became, the more friendly I was, to the point where a scorned suitor accused me of being a straight guy looking for attention before leaving in a huff.

"Thank God, another straight guy," one man sitting next to me said.

He was early thirties, clean shaven, maybe six foot with a slightly heavy appearance. He was sitting, legs spread wide, nursing a beer.

"According to that guy, I am, but he also said I looked like Jason Segel, so his judgement might be off," I replied, trying not to frighten him away.

"Yeah, I don't see that."

"Right? I'm clearly more of a Bradley Cooper."

"Not seeing that, either. Conan O'Brien maybe?"

"No need to be rude," I said, chuckling. "I'm not even a redhead, it's more of a burnt sienna."

"Burnt sienna? Jesus, I'm rethinking the straight comment now, too," he said, playfully.

"You do know where you are, right?"

"Hey, it's not a gay bar, it's a gay-friendly bar," he replied.

"That's what they tell straight guys to lure in the curious ones," I said, and he burst out laughing. He held up his hands in mock surrender.

"You got me. I, uh, am going through a nasty divorce. Paperwork is done, but we're still living together until the first of next month, when my new place opens up. I've been... curious... for a while. This is the first time I worked up the courage to visit. My name is Darryl, by the way."

"Keep your voice down, Darryl. Don't ever say you're a curious straight man in a gay bar. You'll be torn to shreds," I said, with a smile. "My name is Derek. I'm sorry to hear about your living situation, that sounds like a really shitty setup."

We spent some time discussing his marriage to Liz and subsequent divorce, and I could sympathize having been through a bad marriage myself before discovering I was bi. As the night wore on, I found myself really enjoying spending time with Darryl, and I couldn't tell if I was making a friend, or flirting. For the moment, he needed someone to vent to, and I was enjoying his company.

"The worst part is, Liz has been seeing someone else for a few weeks. Brings him by the house, tries to rub it in my face. That cunt. Sorry, that's too far. I shouldn't say that about a woman I loved for years. But she is a cunt," he said, and I realized we had been drinking for hours. The bar had slowly been dwindling and there were only a handful of us left.

"I want some fucking revenge, you know?" he said.

"Want to pee in her gas tank?" I suggested.

"Dude, I bought that car! Hell yes, I want to pee in her gas tank!" he shouted.

"Or, hey, we leave a positive pregnancy test in her trash for the boyfriend to find," I said.

My drunk mind had entered problem-solving mode, and I knew from experience-- it wasn't going to stop.

"We're drunk in a gay ba--sorry, gay-friendly bar. Where are we going to get a positive pregnancy test?" he said, chuckling.

"Pretty sure I heard some guy over there say he was going to breed a twink's ass," I said, as beer came shooting out of Darryl's nose.

"Goddammit, dude. You are a bad influence. I just want her to feel the same shit I feel. Like, I'm taking this hard, and she's doing whatever the fuck his name is, I think it's Kyle, on our bed," he said, swinging his beer around.

"Fuck Kyle," I said.

"Fuck Kyle," he replied, raising his glass as a toast. "You know why it fell apart? I told her I might be bi. I told her I wanted to be honest and not hide it. I wasn't asking for anything, I didn't want an open marriage or a threesome. I just wanted to be myself with her. She called me gross, and that was that. Can't unring that bell."

"I'm sorry, that's rough. But, it was that or lie to her and yourself for the rest of your life, right? You took charge, you made the decision. And at least you know now she's a cunt," I said.

"She really is," he said, becoming a little maudlin.

"So, get some fucking revenge. You rub it in her face right back, bring a dude home, plow him on the couch in the living room. She already broke the seal, and she sounds homophobic, so it'll be twice as visceral for her," I said.

"I should. I would. But where am I going to find a dude willing to get fucked in front of my ex-wife?" he said, staring back at me, completely oblivious.

I started to chuckle, and the longer he stared at me with complete befuddlement, the funnier it got for me. I had tears in my eyes as I pulled myself together.

"Neither of us can drive, I'll order an Uber," I said. "Put your address into my phone."

It still took a few seconds before his eyes went wide and I could tell we were finally on the same page.

I threw my drink back, then looked at Darryl, and said, "You ready?"

"Let's get some fucking revenge," he said, and tossed back his beer.

When we pulled up to the house, there were no cars in the driveway. Darryl fumbled with his keys and I got the first impression he might actually be nervous. I put my hand over his and said, "We'll go at your pace, okay? No pressure."

He smiled and opened the door. It was a pretty awesome house, a big entry hallway opening up into a large kitchen that had been recently remodeled. To the left were stairs to the second floor, to the right an open-concept living room with a minibar built into a bookshelf. I went to it and surveyed the labels, picking out some nice bourbon and making two drinks. I handed one to Darryl and clinked his glass.

"Trying to get me drunk?" he asked, smiling.

"Already got you drunk. Now I'm trying to get those pants off," I said, putting my drink on the coffee table and beginning to work on his belt and jeans. I pulled them to his ankles and he kicked his shoes off before stepping out of his pants. I pushed him backwards until he fell onto the couch in a huff, spilling a little bourbon on the way down. I reached for the waistband of his boxers and he put a hand on mine.

"I... I have no idea what I'm doing..." he said.

"That's okay. Do you want to do this?"

"I've never wanted anything more. I just... Nerves. You know."

"That's okay. How about I take the lead, and you just tell me if you want to slow down or stop?" I said.

"Okay," he said, and took another swig of bourbon.

I pulled on the band of his boxers and he lifted his ass slightly to let them slip off. He had a half-chub going with a thick uncircumcised cock, his foreskin just covering the bottom part of his head, letting the dark purple shape peek out. He had a full bush and a sizable pair of balls held in a loose sack. I tried to not salivate over it, but it got me more than a little excited.

I reached up slowly and took it in my hand. I heard Darryl gasp slightly. I wrapped my fingers around it and just got a feel for his dick, while it hardened at my touch. I began to stroke it slowly, feeling the foreskin move with my hand as he reached his full size, around seven inches. I had to temper the urges inside me and kept moving slowly forward.

I began to caress his balls lightly, increasing my pace a hair faster with each stroke. When I had a good tempo, I steadied for a minute and watched his face until he looked down at me.

"Are you going to blow me, or what?"

I licked my lips, unable to contain my smile. I made a show of opening my mouth and leaning in from a distance to build anticipation. As his head passed my lips, I did my best not to overwhelm him on his first time, keeping my tongue to itself. I wanted this man to last. I worked his cock up and down, failing to control my tongue at times. I heard his deep, guttural moans as I grazed across his sensitive tip. It was an incredible turn-on, knowing I was always going to be his first. I pulled my head off and kept working him with my hand.

"Are you ready for the best part?" I asked.

"It gets better than this?" he replied, his eyes wide and his breathing heavy.

I just smiled and stood up to remove my own clothes. Darryl leaned forward and began to rub his hands along my stomach and chest, as I took a condom and small bottle of lube from my pocket. I undid my pants and tossed them aside.

His hands roamed across me, feeling my hips and ass. My cock was sticking out in front of me already. He grazed his hand along it, eager to return the favor. I felt genuine affection for Darryl, as he explored his sexuality for the first time using my body.

"You bring lube everywhere you go?" he asked, unintentionally pointing out my slutty nature.

"Only when I go to straight guys' houses in the middle of the night. Lie back," I said, pushing him back into a reclined position as I got to my knees. His cock hadn't lost a centimeter, which, knowing he was drunk, I took as a compliment. I proceeded to unwrap the condom and stretch it over his cock. I put some lube on the tip, and worked it with my hand. Then, I put some more on my hand and began to prepare my ass.

I stood with my legs on either side of his thighs, towering over him and taking a second to enjoy the view before lowering myself down.

"Hold your cock and line it up with my asshole," I said, and he did as instructed. I braced myself by putting one hand on his knees behind me. I felt the familiar pressure on my hole, then the slight pop of his head pressing in. I watched his face contort as my tight ass enveloped him.

"Jesus Christ," he gasped. "Holy shit you're so tight."

I slowly worked him in until I felt my ass come to rest on his thighs and I knew he was fully inside me. His eyes were wild. I took a few minutes to adjust, savoring the feeling, before beginning to move back up.

I began to get a slow-but-steady rhythm going, feeling Darryl start to slightly lift his hips as if to pick up the pace as I went faster. He put his hands on my hips, and I got the impression he really wanted to fuck me. Riding him was a careful balancing act for me, and I wasn't keen to go much faster. I saw his eyes darting across the room.

Then out of the blue, he said, "I want to stop. The countertops."

"Uh, what about them?" I replied, confused and not moving, afraid he was having second thoughts.

"She loves those countertops, they cost us a fortune," he said, a slight smile peeking across his face. "Can I... you know..." he said, somehow still shy even with his cock up my ass.

"Say it," I replied, deciding it was time for Darryl to take control of his journey.

"I want to fuck you on those counters," he said.

I smiled and eased him out before standing up. He surprised me a little by standing up himself, grabbing my face in both hands and pulling me in for a kiss. He held me in place, his tongue circling my mouth as we made out. I could feel our dicks pressing down between our bodies.

He broke the kiss and kind-of-sheepishly said, "I just really wanted to do that. Let's go."

We walked into the kitchen, and I proceeded to put my right leg up on the kitchen island facing the den and the front entryway. Darryl put his hand on my upper back and pressed me forward 'til my stomach and chest were down, and my ass was sticking out. The cold stone on my nipples sent a tingle through my spine.

This time, he seemed to know what to do, pressing against my hole and sliding in easier than before. He kept his hand on my back, as if to hold me in place and his other hand slid to my hip. He began to thrust into me, and I let myself enjoy him taking control. He began to grunt in a low tone with each thrust, pulling me back by my hips to really drive his cock home.

"Take my cock in that tight fucking ass," he said.

He was really getting into it when a bright white light came in through the windows and scanned across the room. Someone was pulling into the driveway. He froze mid-stroke, not moving. "She's home," was all he said.

"Do you still want to do this?" I asked. "We can run upstairs to the guest room."

"Fuck her," he said. "This is the best night of my life."

I could hear footsteps and the sounds of voices talking approaching the door. Darryl sounded confident, but he still hadn't moved, caught in a fight-or-flight moment. The door creaked open, and a woman and a man walked through and took several steps before stopping dead in their tracks.

"What the fuck?!?" said the woman, disbelief covering her face. A half-second went by and Darryl was still frozen, his dick buried inside me. I thought, well, gotta get to it to get through it.

"You must be Liz and Kyle! Darryl was just showing me how fucking good these countertops are." I felt Darryl come unstuck a little, bottoming out his stroke and pressing against me. "Can't believe you gave up this cock, Liz, it's so fucking good in my ass," I said, feeling Darryl take a tentative stroke again.

"I want you both out of my fucking house," Liz said.

"Judge says I can stay till the first," I heard Darryl say, his voice uncertain at first. "If you want to go back to court and say you're allowed to bring men home, but I'm not, go right ahead. Otherwise, get some headphones. We're not going to be quiet. I'm going to take my time with this ass, and then I'm going to bed," he finished, and I could swear I felt his dick harden a little as he spoke.

Liz turned on a dime and stormed out. The man with her stood there completely confused, as Liz stomped every step to the door.

"Kyle, is it?" I said, and he nodded. "I think you're supposed to fuck off now, Kyle."

He turned and hurried out the door before Liz slammed it behind them. I felt Darryl take a step back and slide out of my ass. I slid off the counter and turned around.

"You okay?" I asked, uncertain if he was going to scream or cry.

"I can't believe that just fucking happened. Holy shit. That was amazing. Did you see her fucking face? She'll never be able to get that out of her head so long as she lives here," Darryl said, the words rambling out of him like he was riding an adrenaline high. "How can I thank you?"

"Fuck me like you mean it," I said, lying on my back on the counter, and positioning my ass at the edge.

He didn't need to be told twice, and shoved himself back inside me. He wasted no time grabbing my hips from both sides and slamming into me repeatedly.

It crossed my mind the drunkenness had given him excellent stamina as he ploughed my ass for the next ten minutes, grunting with the effort. I took one of his hands off my hips and placed it on my own semi-hard dick. He picked up the hint and began to jerk me off with each thrust. It didn't take long until I felt the surging feeling.

I looked him in the eyes and moaned, "I'm going to cum soon," in my sultriest voice. "I want you to cum inside me. Cum with me," I pleaded.

I felt his cock throb differently, and knew the dirty talk was having the right effect.

"Your cock feels so good in my tight ass. I want you to finish inside me. Fill me up, Darryl. Fuck my ass."

He began to groan loudly and I saw his eyes roll back. Feeling his cock twitch inside me sent me over the edge, and we came together. He shot deep into my ass, slamming home one last time before holding himself still, spurting into me. I came across my own stomach, his hand gripping me tightly and milking the last drops out.

I felt him almost stumble backwards, as his dick slipped out of me. We were both panting and catching our breath. I slid off the counter and made my way over to the couch, falling more than sitting onto it. Darryl appeared beside me, holding a water bottle out. I took it, realizing I was insanely parched. As I drank, Darryl sat down on the other end of the couch, sipping his own water.

"Should we... cuddle?" Darryl asked, and I laughed.

"If you want. Otherwise, we could talk?" I replied, remembering this was his first time and he might still be processing everything.

"Naw, let's just enjoy the moment," he said, lying back, his naked, sweaty body looking serenely peaceful. "I do want to get your number though, so we can do this again."

"Damn, Darryl, how many ex-wives do you have?"