I'm Done!

The commentary about gay porn is complelety accurate.

***

I'm 55 years old, and all I think about is coming. That's not a metaphor. Not a lingering regret about the past, or some half-profound lesson about life's missed opportunities--no, just the basic, biological imperative for a satisfying, world-rocking orgasm. The kind that leaves you boneless and grateful, the kind I used to have when I was a teenager.

It was about 18 months ago when I ran out of erections. My dick was on vacation, my libido, on the other hand, moved in and was having a house party.

Erectile dysfunction: They say it affects most men at my age. Most days, I think it affects just me, personally, singled out by the limp-dick fates for a special category of torment. Back in the day, one look at Miss November 1987 and I would be at full staff. But Sue--my wife--doesn't subscribe to Youthful Boner theory or any theory.

She doesn't give a shit.

"You know what would help?" I said, "Maybe a little... enthusiasm. You could suck my dick. It wouldn't kill you."

Her eyes would flick up, bored, like she'd rather be cleaning the grout lines with a toothbrush.

"Oh my gosh we're talking about your dick again, what a shock."

I could still masturbate, flaccid, like sneezing with your pants down: it happened, a penny's worth of pleasure for a dollar's worth of labor.

But I wanted fireworks. I want my toes to curl and sate Mr. Libido, who was remodeling my mental room. I was desperate and a man of action. I read online that a prostate orgasm could reset the game--a secret, backdoor Big Bang.

So I start clicking and swiping on websites with a thousand reviews for dildos with the tag, prostate massage. Honestly, they all look the same, like penises. Some had motors and moved or vibrated, some didn't. They weren't expensive. I ordered one, then another, and another. I charged them and learned right away cramming shit up your ass was not something you could rush.

I figured it out: Lube, relax, take a breath, and bloop. My first dildo in my ass! Now what? Some of them weren't meant to move once you got them inside, and then you turned them on. Others, you were supposed to slide in and out. Some moved and vibrated once you turned them on.

I noticed two things right away. When something was in my ass, my dick didn't want to get hard, but it leaked like a motherfucker. The second thing I noticed was that the dildo felt good at points in the journey, but no single position generated anything orgasm worthy.

I went back to the Internet and searched for instructions on how to find the elusive prostate orgasm. It was the G spot for men, and of course, it was just as hard to find on a man as on a woman. When literature failed, I turned to porn with the search phrase "ass sex prostate orgasm".

I found a lot of gay porn. Duh-doy I learned two things watching 20 minutes of gay porn over a month. The first and most important: not once did I see a man being penetrated in the ass ejaculate hands free. Second, I was more confused about gay sex than I was when I started. Maybe I wasn't watching enough, but I felt like I was seeing far fewer ejaculations in gay porn than I did straight or trans porn.

After two months of searching porn sites, I found one video with the title, "wife milks husband's prostate orgasm" presenting a man in a BDSM yoga pose, his balls were in a noose like cock ring, his wrist bound behind his back, his ass was in the air, and the woman portraying his wife had three fingers thrusting in and out of his ass, her thumb on his taint. The man gushed gobs of semen, not ropes, out of his semi erect penis.

I doubted my wife would take the time to bind my wrist, much less anything else in the scene. I resign myself to rolling the dice with the real thing. Maybe she could take out her frustrations on me with a strap-on? Not in this lifetime. She was more likely to appear in bukakke video than play with my ass. That thought did wonders for my erection.

Nothing changed between Sue and me. A month passed, and a friend from high school called with bad news. A friend in their clique died, and she was invited to the funeral. She wanted to go, and I drove her to the airport, trying to comfort her. You think that I should be cautious about shipping her off to hang out with her high school buddies while we were feuding about sex. What if an old boyfriend offers to comfort her in his hotel room?

I would pay money for that show. I'm not a cuck, but there is no universe where I take a bet that Sue would get freaky sexually with anyone, including me. We argued over her sucking my dick so SHE could get laid and I'm supposed to be anxious about her hooking up?

I just wanted to have sex with my wife or jack off if she needed her space, but since I was getting neither, my dissatisfaction was making me act like a jerk. I suggested something like her fucking one of her friends if it helped the grieving process before she got out of the car just to piss her off. Even though it was a joke, a bit of levity, I knew it would piss her off, but I couldn't let her leave without making a point. Good sex was important to me, and it wasn't important to her. She said something to me right before she walked into the terminal, and it triggered me. As soon as I closed the door, I snapped.

"Fuck it I'm done."

I watched her roller bag round disappear into the terminal. I whipped out my phone, thumbed Jim's name. My cousin Jim and I were one month apart in age. We didn't live very far from each other, but we never really hung out except during holidays. I had a feeling he could help me out.

"Hey, Jim," I said before he could even say hello, "Would it be okay if I sucked your dick and you fucked me in the ass today?"

There was a pause, then he deadpanned.

"Hang on, Dan, you're on speaker."

I knew it. My entire life, I've suspected Jim was a little bi, maybe just repressed, but I was done, and he was the safest bet. I didn't care if I was wrong. I didn't care if anyone knew. I was gonna take a dick in the ass and find my fucking prostate orgasm or go nuts.

"Wife's out of town for a week," I said, "I've been trying to prostate orgasm, and my dildos aren't working. I'm probably doing it wrong. I think you could help?"

"Uh, that's fine," he said, still laughing, "I work from home too. Can you take a long lunch, a couple of hours?"

"Noon?" I asked.

He confirmed. I went home, took a shower, washed and fucked my ass. My cousin played football, linebacker, I had no idea how big his dick was, but there was no point in wasting time trying to get fitted if he was huge.

"How does that even work?"

When the chicks in porn took dicks in their asses, it was like a journey to get there. In gay porn, it was like plugging a lamp into a wall outlet. I saw one gay porn scene where a dude was on his hands and knees, sucking another dude's dick sitting down, another guy runs up behind him like a baseball player, slides to the base and slam dunks his cock into his ass and start thrusting with the other two dudes, not even flinching.

I pulled up to Jim's house and knocked on the door. Jenny, his wife, opens the door. It's not a surprise--it's Jenny's house, too--but I roll my eyes so hard I nearly lose them. She gives off that "executive assistant who controls the CEO's entire schedule" vibe, but for Jim's body. Immediately, she starts with:

"It's for the best that I'm here," she says, ushering me in like a VIP about to get a root canal, "because otherwise Jim would spend all day rearranging his sock drawer after you two are done." And then, without missing a beat, she looks me over like I'm a hot dish at the buffet she's already paid for. Is this flirting? Her smile is all lips and mischief.

Jenny was very pretty and incredibly high-maintenance. Fit, blonde, hot body, insane mind control OCD. I found Jim upstairs, half-naked in boxers, fiddling with his PlayStation. If he was nervous, I couldn't tell. I stripped, took a bottle of lube out of my bag, and asked Jim if he could help me.

I handed him the lube and bent over the bathroom counter.

"Lube me up? I don't want that baseball bat of yours to scuff me up too badly."

I can see Jim's rock hard boner pointing skyward in his boxers, and with a little excitement slid a lubed finger in my ass. Based on how his finger felt, I was pretty optimistic about this prostate orgasm. While he fingered my ass, I whispered,

"Dude, your wife is trying to ball me."

He laughs, finger still deep, "No, no, she'd never do that."

Fuck me. Confirmation. The world's most efficient beard. I'm done dancing around this.

"Fine. Let's do this." I said, "Let me see the pole I'm riding."

I waved for Jim to strip and lie on the bed. Jenny pulled up a cushioned chair and sat with her knees up. Jim flattened himself on the king-size bed with his legs spread.

My god, he had a boner that put my Miss November fantasies to shame. The orgasms I could inflict on myself with wood that hard would stagger the mind. It wasn't any bigger than one of my larger dildos. Hopefully, it knew where to apply pressure better than my mechanical partners.

I got between Jim's thighs and put my nose into the base of his boner. He had showered ahead of time, too. I ran my tongue up the length of a shaft once, twice, then opened my mouth and slurped his cock down my throat.

In my head, I was giving my wife the finger,

'Sue, this is how you suck dick. This is my first time and it's not that fucking hard.'

I had always heard stories about skill, deep throating, and gagging. It was all bullshit. Penis inside mouth, feel good. It was so absurd, so trivial to do, I was even more pissed off at her for making it seem like a burden. What I wouldn't give to have my dick sucked like this. I tried many times to do it myself, and that ship was never sailed.

"If you're going to do the ass thing, hurry up or Jim's going to blow before you even get there."

I considered sucking him off in the moment to drive on the point that you can swallow to and it's not that big deal, but that was the same circular argument Sue had left me--it was always about her not me.

I gave a nod to Jenny's OCD for keeping us on track, straddled Jim, grabbed his dick, and guided it into my ass. My tactile observation confirmed that a dildo couldn't replicate the real thing. His cock felt warm and strange not at all comparable to a dildo. My skills at mounting fake dicks we're more than adequate. I easily buried his cock inside my ass.

What I don't see--because I'm absorbed, head bent forward and moving in a haze--is Jenny behind me, naked, slipping a finger between slippery lips and arching her back in the plush chair, eyes wandering between my jiggling, white butt and Jim's face, flushed and startled by a happiness he never shares at family reunions.

I dismounted, applied more lube, and guided Jim back inside me. I took six full-length thrusts with me at a 90° angle and deemed I was ready. I leaned forward, still resting most of my weight on my knees, and looked at Jim.

"Alright, start fucking me-- slow."

Jim grabbed my hips and did as I asked.

His cock felt different with him driving.

"Okay, a little faster."

I didn't register it at the time, for reasons, but Jenny had an orgasm or two. Jim, made the expected noises from somebody thrusting their cock inside another person, but the more I thought about it, the more his grunts sounded like moans. I had him pick up his pace until he was fucking my ass at, full speed? And lowered my torso onto his. After fifty strokes, I felt like it was going to happen. I was going to prostate cum. My heterosexual brain started shit talking to him.

"Come on, Jim, fuck me, make me blow my load all over you come on stick that cock in my ass and make me come. You know you want to you know you wanna be the man that turn my ass into a cum dumpster and my balls into your bitch."

Jim grabbed my head and stuffed his tongue into my mouth. What? Am I going to complain? I'm all in already. I kissed him back urging him to fuck me harder in between breathes when his executive boss suggested this wasn't working and he should take me from behind.

Jim dutifully complied. I got on my hands and knees, and he mounted me from behind. It was probably the right choice since Jenny correctly assessed he was about to come. I maneuvered my ass trying to find the right angle for his dick to hit my prostate once he started thrusting. Jenny got on her back and started crawling headfirst between my arms underneath me. At the point where our eyes lined up, she looked at me and sincerely said.

"I just want to see how it looks from down here,"

A minute later, she has my dick in her hand. Jim was about to come. She wrapped her mouth around my cock. Jim screamed. His cock engorged. Jenny's wet, talented mouth goes to work and I buried my face in her pussy sucking her tasty box.

Jim bellows, Jenny's throat flexes, and for a wild moment, all the desperate, unsatisfying sneezing orgasms are nothing compared to the rush that rips through me. My body convulses; Jenny cums, Jim cums, I cum.

There are juices, fluids, and redemption. My heart stutters--the good kind. After untangling, we staggered to the shower, all three of us. Jenny towel-whips Jim's ass and tells him,

"See, that worked out well, didn't it? Say so."

Jim nodded with a loopy smile plastered to his face. I remained silent, but was prodded for an answer while dressing.

"If I could get a blowjob, I wouldn't be here!" I muttered, pulling up my pants and lacing my shoes.

I was already out the door, climbing into my Accord, window halfway down, my head shaking, furious that I couldn't get ass sex right with my gay cousin and his beard wife.

Jenny stood in the doorway, representing both her and her husband.

"Same time tomorrow?"

I looked at her in disbelief.

"Fine."