Michael and Linda Fall Apart

It was an out-of-town work trip. I was the project manager for the installation of our company's software for a large company on the other coast. It would be a significant upgrade of their existing software infrastructure, and we knew it would take at least three weeks to install and debug the system, all while keeping the old system on-line until the new system was ready. But as it turned out, their IT staff was able to facilitate much of our the work beforehand and expedite the work we needed to do once on site. The result had us complete the job some ten days before we had planned.

I had been married for twenty years. I had two adorable children, Debbie, who was sixteen, and Susie, who was fourteen. We had a nice house and a fair sum in investments in addition to a healthy retirement account. My wife, Linda, wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and I was making enough so that she could. The burden of financially supporting the household was not bad because I was doing well, even if it meant long, hard hours and frequent out-of-town trips.

Linda was a beautiful woman, smart, witty and a fantastic wife and a wonderful mom. I thought of myself as the luckiest man in the world.

Meanwhile, it had been three months since I had spent anything more than a passing moment with my family. The out-of-town business trip was only the end stage of a giant project. Some mornings, I would tell my little girls good-bye as they left for school. Some evenings I got home before Linda was asleep. But the norm had me leaving before the kids were up and coming home as Linda was asleep. I did call every day to talk with Linda. I also called before the kids went to sleep to tell them I loved them. But the project was 16 to 18 hours every day to keep to an impossible timeline dumped on us by the sales department.

But even before this project I had been consumed by work. Two years ago, I had been made a project manager, and had easily spent at least 12 hours a day at work, and most weekends as well. I had to postpone last summer's vacation. The pay was good, and as I had been bringing every project in under budget and on time, I was scoring signficant bonuses.

After a few months in my new position, Linda started taking on extra activities. First, it was volunteer work at our church. Then a book club. Then the gym. From her feedback I picked up that the gym was taking up more of her free time than any other activity. I was glad about that, since the girls were old enough to go to school, her parenting time was not nearly as onerous. The kids were still a full-time job, for sure, but not like when they were preschoolers. And besides, we had the money.

Then, about four months ago, she started scheduling girls-night outs with some friends from the gym. Niavely, I was happy that she had a growing social life. She used her mother for babysitting. Often time these were overnights, because there was plenty of drinking and driving home wasn't a good option. All of which she carefully explained to me and all of which I agreed was a good and sensible idea.

Then there was the request to go to an all-inclusive resort in the Carrebean with a couple of friends from the group. I agreed, acknowledging that I owed her and the kids a vacation anyway because of our missed vacation last summer. She quickly, perhaps too quickly, added that the kids weren't going on this one, this was just a girls only trip, that her mother would be with the kids. I agreed, teasing her to be careful and be sure to behave herself. I then added that she does need to plan a vacation that includes the kids. She promised she would.

The resort vacation would take place in the middle of my three-week business trip. I started to be concerned about this activity, but more because I needed to rebalance my work-home lives and spend much more time with my family than any suspicion about my wife.

The day she was to leave for the airport, I tried to call Linda, but the phone just went to voice mail. The message I left said only, "Hey babe! Just checking in. I love you."

I was asleep early that evening without trying another call. Working 16 hours a day, seven days a week for over three months had left me with a major sleep deficit. The next day it was clear we were going to be able to finish a whole week earlier than I planned. I tried to call Linda but again went to voice mail. That day's message was simply, "hey sweetie, just checking in again. Please call me. Love you."

The next day, another voice mail call prompted me to call Alice, Linda's Mom, she reported that the kids were having a great time. Of course, I knew they were, Grandma was really loose on how much time they could spend on their phones in the evening, so they were happy. I told her I hadn't been able to get through to Linda. She reported she couldn't either, and guessed it might have something to do with being out of the States. I guessed she was right.

I told Alice I was flying back the next day. As Linda was due back from her little jaunt the following day, I figured my daughters and I could surprise her at the airport, so if she finally reached her, help me keep the surprise.

Alice agreed.

The day of Linda's return, I got to Alice's early, spent some time talking to the kids, with them telling me all the things they had been up to since their Mom had left. After a bit, they were sucked into their phones and that gave Alice and me a chance to chat. I asked her about Wendy, Linda's main friend from the girls night out crowd. Linda said she was an old friend from high school. But I had never heard her mention her before. She was the first friend either of us had that we didn't both hang out with together.

"No, Wendy is not an old friend from high school. I knew all of Linda's friends, and Wendy was not part of her crowd. Wendy was in the same school, but she was in a different circle. She was one of the 'popular' kids. She ended up marrying a high school football hero, had a kid and then divorced with dad taking the kids. She sure came into Linda's life like a storm."

That I knew. Linda's Friday nights with Wendy and "the girls" had become a regular weekly thing. In the beginning it was all she talked about. But after a month or so, it ceased being a topic of conversation. She still went out, with the kids spending the night at grandma's, but it was not a topic she'd bring up, and when I brought it up, she say things like, "oh, yeah, we had a good time" and then change the subject. Only looking back did I realize that was a clue.

I knew my home-work balance was screwed up and I needed to unscrew it and quickly. Maybe this latest project would give me enough credit to complain to higher ups that sales folks and the contract folks needed to give us more time when binding the company.

The time came for us to surprise Linda at the airport. We arrived at the airport and positioned ourselves outside of the arrivals exit. The board told us that her plane had just landed.

It was only about a 25-minute wait before I saw Linda. She was walking down the corredidor towards us at the exit from the arrivals area. Her arm was wrapped around the waist of a younger, tall, muscular man. A blond. Linda was giggling. They stopped, not a hundred feet away, she pointed to a travel poster with a couple frolicking on a tropical beach that read, "Escape the Mundane and Come to Paradise." She broke into the biggest smile, one I hadn't seen in years, and directed the couple behind them to take a picture with Linda's camera. She then stood to the side of the poster and planted a very passionate kiss on her blond boyfriend.

It was as if I had been kicked in the gut. I started breathing hard. My eyes were losing focus.

The kids hadn't seen anything yet. Had I had any presence of mind I would have gotten the kids out of there with some kind of excuse. But my mind was now among the missing. I was solely focused on the collapse of my known world.

After that kiss and several pictures, both Linda and her boy started walking in our direction, to where family members were waiting for loved ones. Linda was oblivious to our presence, her eyes focused on her tall, hunky man. I was frozen in place, unable to move, stuck watching this train wreck of my life occurring right in front of me. Finally, as they were about to pass withing a few feet of us, my youngest called out in her very happy voice, "Mom!"

Linda turned and looked right at our daughter with a soft smile appearing on her face. But the smile existed for only a microsecond. Her eyes widened as she realized that she was existing in two conflicting realities, one of frivolous pleasure and the other of tender responsibility. Then she saw me, and everything dissolved. Her hands covered her face, and she screamed out, "No! No! No!" She then turned away, started walking fast away from us, then after only a few feet she broke into a run.

"Dad, where is Mommy going?" Asked Susie.

Just then her boyfriend walked over towards us, as did the other fellow, the one with who I assumed was Wendy, "so you must be the wimpy husband who can't take care of business?"

I heard him, but he sounded like white noise, I didn't focus on what he was saying, my eyes watching Linda running away from me and disappearing into the crowd.

Susie asking, "Dad, what's happening?"

I knew she deserved an answer, although I didn't have a good answer to give her. But she needed to know I heard her. "Susie, I don't know. Maybe we should go home and wait for mom there."

"Hey, man, I'm talking to you!" said the boyfriend, towering above me and my girls and insisting I pay attention to him.

I faced the big guy, closed the space between us and said, "Not here, not now, my kids don't need any of this drama right now."

"So, you are going to hide behind your kids?"

"These kids are the only thing left that is important to me in this world. A moment ago, I thought I had a wife, but that seems lost now. If you want to continue this conversation between just the two of us" then looking at his menacing friend just a few feet away, "or the three of us, I will make myself available, but not here, not now, okay?"

With that, Linda's boyfriend looked over at Wendy's man and said, "Come on, Kenny, Linda was right, he is boring as spit, we needn't waste our time on him," and with that the two of them walked away.

At that my oldest asked, "Dad, who are those men?"

"I don't know, Debbie. I think the guy who was doing all the talking was your mom's friend, but I don't know who he is."

With that, the kids and I walked slowly to the parking lot. The kids saw enough to know that something life changing had just happened. We walked to our car silently and drove home in silence. They knew I was very, very upset and they didn't know what to do about it. Neither did I.

Once back to our house, with no sign of Linda, Debbie looked at me and in a voice verging on tears asked if I thought Mommy was coming back home.

My eyes began to tear up despite my best efforts. How can I answer that question and still be truthful, I asked myself. I just took a wild swing. "I hope so, Debbie. I can't believe she wouldn't, especially to you and your sister."

She then looked at her sister, took her by the hand and walked with her to her room. Apparently, she was going off to talk to her younger sister's about things I couldn't.

Once the girls were in the room, I called Alice and said to her, "Alice, Linda got off the plane with a man, they were holding each other and she kissed him. She kissed him hard. As soon as she saw us, she ran out of the airport. I don't know where she is."

"Oh, my god, no" was all she could say.

"What do I tell the kids?"

Alice's voice broke as she said, "I don't know. I don't know what to tell them."

Then she said, "I'll call you back" and hung up. A few moments later she called back and said she had dialed Linda, and it had gone straight to voice mail. She left a message telling Linda I had taken the girls back home, that I had told her everything and that I wanted to know what to tell our daughters. She then asked Linda to please call her."

Alice then called me back and after telling me about her effort to call Linda, asked, "Mike how are you doing?"

"Not well, Alice. I think the only thing keeping me from going fetal on the floor are my two girls. I have just lost the woman I love."

"Oh, I pray that is not true. Mike, you will get through this. You and the girls will get through this."

I walked into the dining room, sat at the table, out of sight from the kids, put my head down into my arms, and for the first time since seeing my best friend and soul mate betray me, I wept.

After maybe thirty minutes my youngest daughter, Susie, came in. I was about cried out, but I was still a mess.

"Dad, Debbie is crying. Can you go to her?" Susie said. I could tell that Susie had been crying, too.

I got up and went to Debbie, when she looked up at me, she knew I had been too. "Daddy, what are we going to do?"

"Ah, sweetie, we will be okay, I promise. I will always love you and your sister, no matter what. And your mother loves you, too, I know it. Your mom and I might have a problem, but it isn't about you guys.

I took the kids to supper at a local pizza place. My cooking was marginal at best, and being around folks might help ground us in this unreal moment we were in. When we finally got home, we found the house quiet. I half expected Linda to be there, but she wasn't. I think the kids were hoping she would be there, too, and were deeply disappointed that she wasn't. I found myself wishing that things could be as before, but I knew that would never be again.

That night, as I was putting Debbie to bed, she asked if Mom and me were going to get a divorce.

I answered as best I could. "I don't really know, but I am afraid that we might, sweetheart. But you need to know, both your mom and I love you very much."

"Who will I live with?" she asked.

"I don't know. Mom and I will try to figure out what's best for you, but when the time comes, not now, but before we decide, I will ask you what you want, and I will try to see if we can do that, how's that sound?" She nodded, with neither a smile nor a frown on her face.

After Debbie and Susie had gone to bed, I went to my computer to check my emails to see if there were any fires from the office that needed dealing with. The office was the least of my worries, but I desperately needed a distraction.

Checking my email, one message stood out among all of them. "Subject: I know what your Wife did over the weekend." I opened it up, and it was a couple of dozen pictures of my wife and her boyfriend frolicking on some Caribbean beach. Linda was topless. There were even a few pictures taken from the point of view of the boyfriend of Linda performing oral sex. One photo had a dribble of cum on her lower lip. Something that I never got to enjoy. This latest reveal plunged me back into the depths of my lost world. Probably exactly the effect intended. Did Linda send me this email?

I didn't sleep at all that night.

That morning, I called Alice and asked if she had heard from Linda. She had not. I crudely said that she was probably still enjoying her new friend, but then said, excuse me for that, I'm not in a good place. Alice said nothing.

After taking the kids to school, I went to my bank, opened a new account, moved all of our money into it, closed our old joint accounts and then closed my credit cards.

I then went to the office and talked to my supervisor. I told him briefly about my problem and asked for the week off. He offered his condolences and told me that as far as he was knew I was still working on some details from the other coast.

Then, as I was clearing up some last-minute things in the office, my phone rang. It was Linda.

"I am so sorry, Michael. I have been so stupid, so selfish." Her voice was breaking.

"What do you want, Linda?" My voice was surprisingly cold and firm.

"I want to come home."

I paused for a good while, then said, "I don't know that either one of us can ever go home again."

At that she broke up. It took her a minute to gather herself together enough to ask, "can we talk?'

"I'm listening" I said.

"No, can we get together and talk in person?"

"I don't think I can, not now. Maybe in a few days, but I am struggling to keep it all together now for the sake of the kids. I am not sure if I lose it if I will ever be able to get it together again. Let's do this now, over the phone. Just keep it short and to the point. Where are we going from here? I can't manage nuance or subtlety right now. Tell me straight what you want."

"I want to come home. I want my babies."

"Good. I was afraid you had abandoned the girls. They need you. They need you more than they need me. It won't be easy for you; they are angry at you. They might not know they need you, but they do."

Then I continued. "I will leave, at least for a few days. I need to get my head around all of this."

"Michael, I am so sorry. I was so bored and lonely. I never wanted to hurt you."

"Yeah, well your boyfriend sent me some pictures last night, I see you found a way to keep entertained.

"I... I didn't know he had done that. Oh, Jesus, I am so sorry."

"Some pictures were very explicit. Things you never did with me. I guess you were saving yourself for someone special.

My statement was met with silence, so I added "yeah, well, let's skip over that part. Here is what I suggest we do. You come home. I'll pick up the girls at the end of school and bring them home. That will give me time to explain that you are back. I will bring them to the house, then leave. I guess you found out I turned off the money tap. I will give you some money. You work things out with the girls. I'll be back on Saturday, and maybe then we can talk things out. Until we work things out, keep Troy away from my girls. There is a cruelty in that man I don't want near my girls. If you can't agree to that, the girls and I will be in court and we will let the judge decide."

"Troy won't be a problem. Troy and I were at breakfast, and they wouldn't accept my cards. I went to the ATM and my debit card wouldn't work. Troy guessed what had happened and he threw me out."

"I see. Well, at least we can say he wasn't as boring as spit."

Linda gasp. She realized what else Troy had told me.

I rushed home, packed two bags, some electronics and some toiletries and left before Linda returned.

When I brought the kids home from school, Linda invited me in, but I refused. I told the kids to call me anytime and got Linda to agree that she would allow that, then I left. I gave Linda some cash, and the girls, too. I then left for a nearby inexpensive motel.

By the end of the week, I was more exhausted than I had ever felt. Going to the office was a relief, but coming to what I assumed was going now my new temporary home, a motel room, was so damn depressing. Everyone in the office now knew, and I kept getting sad eyes from everyone. I took the time the boss aforded me to visit a lawyer and get him to draft the necessary papers.

The next morning, Saturday, I went over to see my daughters and Linda. Linda and I agreed to try to talk more about what comes next. My daughters greeted me at the door with hugs and tears. Linda was behind them. Linda had some coffee ready for me, fixed the way I liked. I sat with the girls allowing them to tell me about school and the rest of their week.

After twenty minutes or so, Linda and I excused ourselves and walked into the kitchen, out of earshot of the kids. Linda started to cry, and her hands were visible shaking as she started the conversation. She started off with the "why." I listened.

"I really screwed up. I am so sorry. I was so lonely with you at work or away. Girls' night out included Brad, an instructor at the gym. He was with Wendy, but we all knew him. Then Troy started coming again. He was my instructor." Then after a pause, she added, "I invited him to come at first, and we danced and had a good time. He was charming and confident, and the fact that he focused on me was, well, exciting. The second time he came, we spent the night together."

"So, you invited him with the idea that you to would have sex" I asked.

"... ah, yeah, maybe that was probably in the back of my mind. I was so lonely, and you and I never seemed to have a enough time to be intimate. I was needing something... Michael, I love you, I never stopped loving you, but I was so lonesome."

"'So, 'if you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with?' Great 70s song, not so great in a marriage."

Then after letting that quip set in, I added, "and apparently, you were telling Troy I was boring and not taking care of business."

"No!... well, yes, in a sense, I told him he was exciting, and I did tell him how you were always at work." She then interrupted herself and after a pause, went on. "Damn! I need to tell you the whole truth, I need to be honest now so you can believe me. Yes, I told him you were boring. I needed to justify myself not only to him but to myself as to why I was doing this bad thing. Michael, you are not boring, but without you, my life had become boring. I am so sorry."

I looked at her dry eyed as she steadied herself, crying. As she finally got control over her tears, I asked, "So your little vacation, you seem to have really enjoyed yourself."

She looked at me and gave a very small nod.

"And the pictures. I guess the excitement you were having allowed you to try things you had never tried before?"

"Oh, Michael, I had lost my way. I never meant to hurt you. And I never thought Troy would use those pictures in such a mean way."

"Watching you coming out of the arrivals gate at the airport, I could tell that you found sex with Troy great."

"No!" then she looked down and after a few seconds, added: "Yes. Yes, I enjoyed the sex. It was different, and it had been a long time since you had focused as much attention on our love life. Oh, damn it Michael, please, let's not go here, I fucked up, I fucked up bad, I hurt you, I hurt the only man I love."

More tears.

"And then, when you saw me at the airport, you ran away from me. You ran away from our daughters""

She nodded.

You went to Troy's apartment and slept with him again that night.

She didn't nod; she just kept on crying.

"And you called me only after he kicked you out?"

More crying.

"I reviewed our accounts and saw that you were spending on more than just yourself at these clubs and restaurants and even the nice hotels you two were going to. And you purchased his plane ticket to your resort. You were paying for this affair, or to say it a little differently, I was."

"The next morning, after we both figured out the money had been turned off, he told me that he couldn't afford me and told me to go back to my family. You are right, I was paying for the attention I got. When he told me to go back to my family, I told him I might not have a family anymore. He said, 'yeah, well, you should have thought of that earlier.' I finally got a true glimpse of the real Troy." Linda's admission came out as a whisper, dripping with shame.

"A real winner you hooked there." I said in response.

"Well, now you know everything, all the ugly details. Now what? asked Linda.

"You are the nurturing parent, although it seems I got the wrong end of the stick on getting my share of nurture from you, I do still believe you love the girls. So, I'm thinking you ought to have custody and hopefully I can have liberal visitation. I have started working the finances out. Two of us won't be able to live as comfortably apart as we were. I'd like to think I was a good provider, and I'll do what I can to support you and the girls until the girls turn of age. Our state does not do permanent alimony, so you will get a few years of alimony, but the court will expect you to go back to work, so you need to adjust to the fact that your finding work will be inevitable."

"Oh, please Michael, we can get past this. Please, can you give me a chance?"

I gave a slow shake of my head, no.

"If you want, we can go to counseling together. We can explore reconciliation if you want, but I think the only value counseling will have is teaching us how to get along for the sake of the kids."

Then I added, addressing my own why: "Linda, I loved you unconditionally. I still do. But I don't like you very much anymore. You betrayed me and broke my heart. I am in a deep, dark pit, I am angry at the world, and I can't see me climbing out of my pit, ever. The only bright spots left in my life are my daughters, and I know I can't even keep them; you are the parent they need. The only damn thing I seem to be good at is being a provider. Ironically, that is the same thing that destroyed my family.

"Anyway. I'll have the divorce papers ready next week or the week after. I can't do the kids overnight, right now, but I'll take them out today, bring them back after supper, and then picked them up again in the morning.

"Funny, I'll have to make my weekends available for the kids, but had I done that for you, I might still have my family. This isn't all your fault, I know I must blame myself some." Then after saying that, and thinking about it for a second, I added, "But you never came to me and asked me to change."

"Michael, I promise we can get by this, I promise we can put this behind us, please, please, let's try."

"I remember you once solemnly promised to forsake all others. I am not anxious to get burned again on that one. Now, dry those tears, let's give the girls a fair impression that we are heading to a new kind of tolerable normalcy."

"Oh, Michael, I do love you. I am so sorry. I will do anything to have you forgive me and have me back. Please, don't shut me out."

"I saw you at the airport. You had it all figured out. You wanted your toy, Troy and a respectable family at the same time. And that was acceptable to you because of how I could provide support. I suspect that you are now only sorry that you were caught. Maybe not, but that doubt will always be with me."

At that, I turned and headed for the house to get the girls.

Epilogue

I retire this week. The events I describe here happened 20 years ago. I have lived alone since then.

Oh, I tried dating some, and even had a few short-term relationships, but I found I had lost the ability to trust. I still stay in touch with Linda. She is a manager at a gas station/convenience shop. She doesn't make much. The court had limited her alimony to ten years. But she put off finding work as long as she could. After the kids left for college, she made Vodka her constant companion. When the child support stopped, she began to burn her share of our marital assets. When that was gone, she sold the house and started living on her share of the proceeds, and when that was gone she found herself with no marketable skills and no money. At that point, I got her in rehab and off the sauce. With the help of AA she has been sober now for seven years.

She has worked at her current job for five years but still isn't making much. She will get a portion of my retirement, and that will help some, but my retirement was divided based on its value at the time of our divorce, well before I started adding substantially to it.

She comes to me often whenever she needs a help moneywise. I give it. I suspect that will continue.

I'm doing well financially. I quit burning the candle at both ends so I could spend weekends with my kids. After they went to college I started messing around in boats on the weekends. All of that put me out of the running for senior executive positions in the company, but I still worked hard and was still a top program manager, and the company continued to grow, so I did fine.

Both of my daughters are doing well. They are both married with kids and have good careers. They did have trouble with school around the time of the divorce, but they both got around that, partly because Linda and I worked so hard at giving them something resembling a loving family. It's just that the love flowed to them, but not between us.

The girls and their family are the only joy in my life. But they have their own lives now, so I get my joy in measured amounts. So too, I suspect, does Linda. As best I know, she didn't even try dating. Maybe we should have tried harder to reconcile, or to say it more accurately, maybe I should have tried harder. I just couldn't get over the pain. Now that pain is the one reliable partner in my life.