A Night in the Grass

The party is fun. I'm sitting out on the grass when I hear footsteps approaching. I whip my head around and see Elijah walking over to me. In his hands, he holds a cold beer. He hands it to me as he sits down next to me.

"Why are you out here all alone?" he asks.

I size him up, study the beer, but take a swig.

"Well, I'm not now," I say.

He chuckles.

We both go quiet, and I continue to stare at the stars. I take a few sips of my drink. Part of my brain, however, is presently aware of Elijah's knee pressed against mine. I wonder if he's doing it on purpose but tell myself not to read much into it.

"You sure do love distancing yourself from people," Elijah says.

I look at him.

"Why do you say that?" I ask.

What the hell does that mean? I don't distance myself from people. I'm at a party, for Chrissakes. I go to almost every party there is within our shared friend group.

"I'm just saying, you always make it hard for me to come and find you," he says.

Elijah looks at me. His eyes go up and down my body. I suddenly feel myself perk my chest a little straighter. This shirt I wore was a good choice. I know my breasts look amazing.

Before I can take another sip of the beer, he places his hand on my thigh and leans forward to kiss me. It's a passionate kiss, one that pushes me to the ground. He's hovering over me, and the beer in my hand spills into the grass. I finally decide to let the bottle go as we begin to make out. I wrap my arms around his neck and hold him to me as our tongues dance in one another's mouths.

We continue kissing like this until I feel him pull away. I sit up a little on my elbows because I see he is unbuckling his jeans. I start to get to my knees, anticipating him wanting me to suck his dick. But to my surprise, he says something different.

"I want to fuck you this time."

Holy shit.

My mind goes blank, but my heart says DANGER. I'm in the danger zone for real. I have officially bitten off more than I can chew.

A cold sweat breaks across my face as I literally sit there watching him strip down.

I need to stop this before it gets too heavy and I can't back out.

"Wait!" I exclaim. "We don't have a condom!"

Thank God! The relief I feel when I realize that we don't have protection is immense. Great save.

But to my horror, Elijah reaches in his now-tossed jeans and flashes a packet at me.

"Condom," he whispers, kissing me back down towards the grass.

He's getting really into it, and I feel his hand slip past my chest, stomach, and toward my skirt. He reaches and begins to stroke my vaginal opening through my panties.

"Oh," I whimper, because it does feel good.

But I have to stop him.

"Wait," I whisper.

I grab his hand and hold it as his fingers try to explore me more.

Elijah looks at me. He's not kissing me now. He knows something is wrong.

I just need to be honest.

"I don't want to have actual sex yet," I say. "I'm not ready."

I try to read his face.

He looks sort of confused--not angry and explosive like I thought he would be if I rejected him. So, that's good.

"Can I just blow you like we usually do instead?" I ask.

I'm hoping this will at least make him happy and get rid of the awkwardness that I just created in this moment.

Elijah is quiet for a while, but he leans forward and allows me to sit up again.

"You sure?" he asks me.

"Yeah," I say. "I'd really be happy just giving you a blowjob instead."

He looks very confused. And I don't blame him.

"Why can't I fuck you?" he asks suddenly.

Oh shit.

I bite my lip.

Then decide to be honest.

"Because..." I search for the right words. "I'm sort of seeing someone else."

There.

I put it out on the table.

I watch his face.

He looks a little shocked.

"You have a boyfriend?" He chuckles.

I sigh.

"Not really a boyfriend. I mean, he was my boyfriend from high school. But we took a break since going to college," I rush in explanation.

Elijah straight out laughs in my face.

"And we can't have sex because of that?"

He seems to think this is the most hilarious thing in the world and is doubled over in laughter.

"Yes," I say, my anger getting the best of me. "I'm okay with doing other stuff. But I'm not crossing over the threshold."

Elijah stands up and shakes out his pants. He puts them back on and places the condom in his pocket. I watch him from my spot on the grass.

"Wow," he says with a shake of his head. "And this whole time I just thought you loved sucking dick."

He seems kind of disappointed. I feel embarrassment rush through my body. Or more like shame at his mention of my sexual behavior.

"I didn't realize you were just trying to stay loyal to your imaginary boyfriend," he continues.

Now I'm really angry.

"He's not imaginary!" I snap at him.

Elijah shakes his head.

"That guy is probably fucking some other girl as we speak, but yet you're over here telling me I can't do the same to you because you're thinking about him." His voice isn't harsh. He actually sounds sort of sad for me. "It's not smart."

"Well, I don't care about being smart."

I stare up at Elijah in exasperation. He shakes his head at me.

"That's a shame," he says, but his mouth has a small smile tugging at his lips. "You should care about being smart and let me fuck you."

I feel a wave of excitement wash through me.

No.

I won't do that.

"I mean," he says with a shake of his head, "it's not smart, Michaela."

Now he's beginning to sound like a teacher. I'm annoyed.

"When I finally decide you might be more than someone to give me head, you go and ruin it."

My interest peaks at that statement and he knows it.

He's baiting me.

I can't fall for the trick. He doesn't mean what he's implying.

I mean, I can see the smirk on his lips.

"But if you want to continue to stay loyal to your ex, I get it," he says and raises up his hands in defeat like he actually cares, "even though I wouldn't count giving blowjobs to another guy exactly loyal."

There he goes. The shoe drop.

I roll my eyes and hug my knees to my chest. I suddenly feel very insecure. Why does he always either make me feel super sexy or super slutty?

"Head and sex are two different things!" I snap at him.

Why do I feel tears stinging in my eyes?

"Especially when you're a virgi--"

I stop myself before I finish. Shit. I'm so emotional that I'm losing my cool.

Elijah raises his eyebrow.

He caught the last part.

"You're a virgin?" he asks.

Damn it. I didn't stop myself fast enough.

But I try to hold my head up high.

"Yeah. So? That's why I don't want to have sex with you," I say. "I'm saving it for someone who actually cares about me."

I can feel what I can only describe as pride reclaiming in my chest. He might be able to say I've sucked his dick, but no one can say they've actually had me before.

A full-blown smile tugs at Elijah's lips.

"That makes a lot of sense," he says.

He looks around.

The sounds of the party from the house nearby can be heard. But it's quiet as the crickets chirp under the stars where we are hidden by the trees.

He looks at me again.

"Do you love the guy?" he asks me.

I'm surprised at the question.

I hug my knees closer to me.

"Yes."

I do.

Elijah shakes his head.

"Man," he says, "you really do love distancing yourself from people."

There he goes again with that.

"I kind of was interested," he says before I can speak, "... in seeing if there could be more between us besides this."

He waves his hand around. And I know what he means. It reminds me of his earlier comment when I told myself not to take the bait.

Could he be serious?

Would he ever consider something serious with me?

There's no way.

We're just: 'sneaking off and blowjobs'.

That's it.

There's nothing more.

"Well, I guess this is what it is," Elijah continues.

Then he looks at me with a sly smile.

"If you're not going to open your legs, open your mouth for me again?" he asks pleadingly.

I sigh.

Ever since the night at the beach I've been trying to stay away from him. But even he knows I'm not good at keeping my word to myself. I know I shouldn't be giving out blowjobs, but I also can't really fight it for too long.

He knows this.

He walks over to me. His pants are still unbuckled and he grabs me by the head.

He pushes his dick through my lips. The taste feels good. And I find myself slurping it up right away. I can feel his penis hardening even more as I bob my head back and forth on it.

"Good girl," Elijah groans. He strokes his hands through my curls softly, his eyes looking down at me as I stare up at him.

I feel myself get warm all over. Well. I might as well.

I reposition myself on my knees. And that's when I really start giving him the best blowjob I can manage. To which, he seems to love every second of.

I choke on his dick a few times, but am still able to do one of my best jobs yet. When he cums this time, it's like never before. I feel accomplished as I watch him lose himself to his orgasm.

I stand up and brush the grass off of my knees and skirt. But Elijah looks sort of mad when he catches his bearings from the blowjob I just gave him. Which only makes me confused.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I ask him.

He shakes his head, almost as if he is in disgust all of a sudden.

"Nothing," he says.

He buckles his pants up and suddenly turns cold.

"Thanks for the head," he says shortly.

I suddenly feel insecure again.

I watch as he turns to walk back to the house. But then he falters.

He looks back at me.

"I think you were right at first when you said you didn't want to do this anymore," he tells me. "I think we should stop for good."

I don't know what to say. So I just stare at him.

"I mean, I don't get what you want. You're sucking my dick, but then tell me you have an ex-boyfriend you're in love with," he continues.

He pauses.

Waiting.

I guess I'm supposed to say something.

"You could have just left me alone if all I was going to be is just head to you," he says.

Um.

Wow.

This feels like a role reversal.

When did I become the one using him?

But maybe that's what this is?

I guess it might be because I was feeling lonely here at college away from my ex.

Giving head to Elijah and doing whatever it is we are doing was something that kind of distracted me.

So, maybe he's right.

"I'm sorry," is all I can think of to say.

Elijah shakes his head.

"Yeah, this has got to end," he says. "I'm not doing this anymore with you."

I slowly nod my head.

"I get it," I say.

We both look at each other.

I want to say something, but I don't know if I should.

Because I think I see something in his eyes as he's staring at me. But I don't want to speak and it turns out I'm wrong.

He turns to walk away again, but I can't help myself.

"Elijah!" I say.

He looks at me.

"It's not just about the blowjobs," I say. "I do like you. Seriously."

I can't believe I just said that.

I watch as his face turns into a slow smile.

"Come talk to me then when you're ready," he says, shocking me. "Until then, let's just agree to see other people."

He looks a little sheepish.

"Well, I guess I'll see other people. And you'll be being loyal to your imaginary boyfriend," he says, echoing earlier.

I roll my eyes.

Whatever little 'moment' I thought we just had is over.

"Yeah, yeah," I say with a dismissive wave of my hand.

"Don't go out there being a little thot," Elijah says. "I'm going to miss the head. You really are the best I've ever had."

He feigns wiping away tears.

I give him the finger.

But then he surprises me.

"I'll be waiting, Michaela. Seriously," he says.

I look at him.

My heartbeat is racing.

He smiles and then walks away.

I watch him go.

I can feel myself wanting to follow after him.

But instead, I sit back down in the grass.

And stay out there for the rest of the party, contemplating my current life.