Between The Brothers Ch. 17

CHAPTER 17: DEFINING MOMENTS

Cameron stood there peering at us with a growing bulge in his jeans. Ryan and I were naked and covered in sweat. It was obvious what we had done and what we intended to do again. I once told myself that if I had met Cameron first, things would have been different, but I knew that wasn't true. No matter which brother I would have met first, I was destined to fall in love with both of them.  

"Marcus?" Cameron said my name with a softness that intrigued me a bit.

"I can't run from it anymore. I want you both. I love you both, Cam." I stood firm on it. Any sign of weakness would have given them a reason to have doubt.  

Cameron looked at his brother, "Ry?"

"Who are we fooling, Cam? I love you both. You and I have already crossed every line possible, and I want to keep crossing them with all of us together," he said as he took my hand and kissed it.  

Cameron turned up his nose. "So that's it? You two have decided that we're sharing, and I have no say in that." 

Ryan defended our position, "No. You get a say."

With a grunt, he asked, "How would this even work? I'm a total top, and I don't like sharing what's mine."

"Well, that's easy. I'm not just yours. I belong to both of you, and you both belong to me. Also, we want you to stay a top. We're vers. We can take care of each other."

I exchanged a knowing glance with Ryan. He smiled at me. His eyes were filled with hope and gratitude. I think he was scared that I'd look at Cameron and forget all about him and what we talked about. No, I was sure of what I wanted more than anything in the world.  

Ryan pleaded our case, "Cameron, you and I both know that you have feelings for me as well. The way you fucked me that day in the barn and later on that night told me. You're afraid, and that's understandable, but you don't have to be with us. We love you." 

Cameron groaned, "It's wrong, Ry. No matter how good it felt. We're brothers." 

I walked over and stood directly in front of Cameron. I made him look me directly in the eyes. He needed to see my soul so he could understand my intentions. This wasn't about me having it all--though one could argue that I wanted it all. This was about me seeing that we were all connected by a bond stronger than anything outside of us. This was about us being the thing to heal all of our past traumas.

"Cameron, it's all three of us or none of us. I'll walk away, and maybe one day you and Ryan will give into your passion again, but I won't be around. I won't wait for you. I can't make that promise, but what I can promise you is that if we take this step together, we will all be there for each other equally. We will fight together. Make up together. Love together. We have all been alone in some way long enough. Let's love each other the way we've always dreamed of being loved. You deserve it, Cameron. You deserve to be worshiped, respected, adored, and celebrated. We all do, and who better to do it than the two guys who love you for who you are."

"Damn it, Marcus," he shouted. "Why do I have to love you so much? Why do I always let you get in my head and guide me like this?"

"Because you know I only want what's best for you. I also think you know deep down inside that Ryan only wants what's best. There are years of hurt and competitiveness that has to be undone between the two of you. I want to help you both."

He closed his eyes and asked, "How?"

"Do you consent?" I asked. It was a callback to how things truly began between us.

He smiled, "I told you before not to tease me, Marcus, because I'll consent every time."

I placed my hand on his chest. His breathing slowed down, but his heart raced. His body temperature slowly rose. The heat flowing from his body danced with my calm demeanor. Sparks of electricity flowed between us. How could we not give in to the passion that burned between us?  

I didn't have to say a word to Ryan. He immediately sensed the brewing passion and sexual tension. He quickly made his way over. He stood directly behind Cameron and began to massage his shoulders. I leaned forward and kissed Cameron very lightly on the lips. Ryan kissed his neck. His muscular body relaxed under our hands. Both our hands traveled down Cameron's body.

Ryan pleaded, "Let us take care of you, big brother." 

I reached for his belt buckle. Cameron drew a deep and powerful breath. His cell phone began to ring. I didn't want the moment to be lost.

I encouraged him, "Let it ring. You're on our time now."

"And we don't want to share our time," Ryan agreed.

I undid his belt. I pulled on it, and as it slipped through the loop, I felt my excitement build. Ryan pulled Cameron's shirt off. He placed soft kisses on Cameron's back. The phone stopped ringing, and then instantly, it began to ring again. Ryan's phone also began to ring. We all stopped what we were doing and exchanged a fearful glance with one another.  

**

Matthew Schuler's cover of "Hallelujah" played as the cherry oak-colored coffin was unloaded from the hearse. The rain fell from the sky with no end in sight. The sky was darkened by the clouds, and God was crying. My grandma always said that God was hurt when someone passed away. He cried with us because we wept. Funny, I would have thought that after all the things Gill had done, God wouldn't have wept. I guess that's why he's God and I'm not.  

I walked between Cameron and Ryan. We marched almost silently up the hill to the final resting spot. My emotions for them ran high, and my love for them both ran deep. Standing there in the pouring rain, absorbing their hurt and pain, was worth it. They were and always would be worth it to me.  

I didn't weep, but Cameron and Ryan's family wept. Just as it seemed they were past all the hurt and drama, death had come knocking. We thought for sure that Gill was going to make a full recovery, but life had other plans for the man.  

The cemetery was full of friends who had come near and far to pay their respects. I stood in between the two men I loved as they both grieved the man who had raised them. Cameron's feelings were complicated, and Ryan's was simpler. Gill was his father. I took both their hands and squeezed them.  

Faceless! That's how I felt. I felt like a faceless stranger in the crowd of people in the house. I understood the various ways grief worked and affected people. I wanted to be there for the brothers. It was my greatest wish to show them how, together, we could aim for the moon and land among the stars.  

Every which way I turned, someone was pulling Ryan and Cameron in a different direction. My desire to be a support system clashed with my residual guilt for how things played out. I wasn't to blame for Gill's actions, but I was to blame for the affair I had with Cameron, and that affair played a role in their family drama. Sadly, at some point, I found myself sitting out back alone, staring up at the stars.  

The sound of laughter and loud conversations when the door opened took my focus off the stars. Carol came and took a seat next to me. I stole a quick glance at her. She appeared to be operating almost robotic-like. Gill's sudden death didn't seem real. We were quiet for all of two minutes before she said something.  

She sighed, "I couldn't stomach another joke or darling review of who Gill was. I feel guilty and ashamed. I wished him dead the night of the accident, and a few weeks later, another heart attack, and he's gone."

"He hurt you. You had no way of knowing he'd die so soon. No one knew that he stopped taking his heart medication. You can't blame yourself, Carol. No one can."

"I should have known it was coming. I buried his brother. Now, the two of them are reunited, and I'm alone, trying to pick up the pieces of all the lives shattered by Gill. What's worse is that I still love him, and I miss him so much. I don't know what's wrong with me." 

As she said the words, I felt her eyes on me. I looked over at her. For a moment, I saw myself in her. She was a woman who just craved it all. She wanted love, joy, and ambiance, but most importantly, she wanted Gill and Will. Without either one of them, she was lost. Despite everything Gill had done, her heart still ached for her lovers.  

"We can't help who we love in this world. You loved Gill, not his actions."

"Don't his actions make who he was?"

"Maybe. Not entirely. I'd like to think that I'm not every action I've ever taken. I think Gill never processed his love and grief for his brother. He suppressed it. That led him down a dark road. His behavior is inexcusable, nevertheless." 

"I'm scared that Cameron and Ryan haven't exactly processed everything. Gill thought the two of them had feelings for each other. For a while, I thought it was crazy, but I heard them one night. I don't want you to get hurt, Marcus. I really do think you're a sweet young man."

I didn't have any words to say. There was something between the brothers. Cameron didn't want to admit it. Ryan was clear about his feelings. If they didn't work through it, they would eventually end up hurting me. As much as I hated to admit it, it was something that I knew was inevitable. Unprocessed grief could ruin anyone. I knew that firsthand.  

**

It had been forty-eight hours since Gill's funeral. The downpour of rain hadn't stopped. I was no longer under the impression that God was crying over Gill. I think God was mourning the loss of all these potential great loves. Carol and Gill never hit their potential because Gill could never accept Will's death or his feelings for him. Cameron was not ready to truly make peace with his feelings for Ryan. That meant our relationship would never be great.  

I couldn't sleep. My heart was aching, and my mind was running. I walked in the pouring rain around the property till I found myself at Cameron's little river hideaway. The raindrops hit the surface of the river like little pebbles.  

"There you are," Cameron said as he placed his hand on my shoulder. "Why are you out here in the rain? You're getting soaked."

"A little rain to wash away my sins and misery," I said.

I quickly turned and looked at him. God, he was so beautiful. The rain had soaked him. He looked like a movie star waiting to confess his love on the big screen. It was still so surreal how fast I had fallen in love with him. His beautiful eyes tried to mask his pain, but I knew he was hurting over everything, and he needed time to figure it all out without my influence.  

"Marcus, you know I love you." 

"Don't say anything. I already know."

"I need to say it. I have to say it. I need time to figure out everything. I don't know why, but Gill dying just set off all these emotions inside of me, and then there's the stuff with Ryan I need to resolve," he said.

"I can give you some space. I'll be in school. I can fly out for Christmas." I tried to sound strong and supportive of his decision. I knew it was right, but it still hurt.  

He grabbed my face with more strength than I would have liked and pulled me close. For a moment, our eyes lingered, and then he kissed me. His tongue slid into my mouth effortlessly, and my heart sank into his chest. I felt all my strength draining.  

"Marcus, I need more than a little breather. I think we should break up," he said. He was trying to be strong.  

"Oh," I said with a broken voice. "I... I understand. If that's what you think is best."

"What are you guys doing out here in the rain?" Ryan was standing behind us with his large umbrella.  

"Ry, you're just in time," Cameron said without breaking eye contact with me. "Marcus is all yours. I'm bowing out. I gotta get my head right before I can do anything with anyone."

"What," Ryan asked. He was shocked. He loosened the grip on his umbrella, and the wind took it right out of his hands.  

"Cameron is pushing me away. Just like Will pushed Gill away."

Cameron exploded with hot rage, "I'M NOT GILL!" 

"I AM!" The words left my mouth faster than I could register them. "I want you both, and I want you to want me, but it's obvious that's not happening. We're all or nothing."

My comment was met with nothing but the never-ending sound of the rain tapping the ground and the stream.  

"Marcus, I love you. You know that. You mean the world to me," Ryan cried. "We can still be together."

I knew how much he loved me. I loved him just as much, if not more. I knew this was hurting him but it was part of the pact we made. I couldn't have one without the other. How could I when they both made me feel things that scared me and gave me life? I just had to walk away from it all.  

"Cameron needs you more than me. You both need each other. It's not our time, Ry."

"This is insane. You can't possibly agree with him, Ry. I know what I need. I need to figure out my shit," Cameron glared at the both of us.  

"You need someone with you, Cameron. You two need to figure things out as brothers and as lovers."

"WE AREN'T LOVERS!" he shouted so loud that the veins in his neck burst forward, and his face turned red.  

"Maybe not yet, but it's coming, and there isn't a damn thing you can do to stop it. The chemistry is there, and the feelings are in you. Stop fighting it and just let it happen."

"Marcus," Ryan called out. "Look at me."

I focused all of my attention on Ryan. Together, we embraced the quiet around us. The quietness was always where Ryan and I found each other. The long look into each other's eyes was all we needed. He understood if no one else did. The realization in his eyes and his body language spoke more words than his mouth could ever let out.  

Finally, Ryan said, "I'm gonna call you every day." 

I firmly stated, "No. You can't heal and live your life if I'm still in it."

"Then how are you going to remember me? I don't want you to forget about me." His voice trembled with every word he spoke. Ryan was my best friend, and losing him was going to be the hardest part of all this.

I asked, "How could I ever forget you, Cowboy?"

"I don't like this, but I get it, and I trust you with my whole heart."

"I won't forget either one of you. I love you both."

I reached out to touch Cameron one last time. He pulled away from me, understandably trying to force me to move on from him. I wasn't ready for it, but I knew I had no choice but to accept what he was actually proposing.  

Ryan, however, pulled me into a warm embrace. He held me tight. I could feel how much he loved me and didn't want to let me go in his bones. If I'm being honest, I didn't want to let him go either, so I didn't. He stayed like that for a long while.  

**

After my heart had been ripped out for the last time,   I found myself standing on his front porch like a weirdo. My courage was not where I needed it to be. I knew I needed to have a conversation with him, but I didn't know how to do it.  

I paced back and forth, trying to convince myself that I had nothing to fear or worry about. Before I could finish my thoughts of encouragement, I heard his deep voice. It made me freeze. All those old feelings of being safe, wild, adventurous, young, and free came roaring back like a mighty river.  

He asked, "Mark, what are you doing here?"

"To see you," I said as I turned around and faced him. "It's been a long time. How've you been, Ty?"

Tyshawn studied my movements. The look on his face said he was both shocked and happy to see me all at the same time. The last we had seen one another was a few days after Benito died. I broke things off with him and disappeared from his life. I didn't know how to handle what had happened.  

"I've been good. I'm getting married in a few months," he said, holding up his finger.  

"That's good. Congratulations." I truly was happy for him.

"Why are you really here? I haven't seen you in three years. What do you want from me?"

"You have every right to be suspicious of me."

"I don't need you to tell me what my rights are."

"You're right. You don't need me to tell you anything. I have no right showing up here unannounced."

"Yet here you are. It took me a long time to get over you and the hurt."

"I can't imagine. Mainly because I never went through the process of healing myself from everything. That's what I just started doing, and I wanted to apologize for my actions. I led Benito on. I left you behind after everything happened. It wasn't right or fair. I am so sorry for everything that happened and the role I played in it. I understand if forgiveness is not something you wish to grant me or can't. I just wanted to say that. It's been long overdue."

Tyshawn's eyes watered. He stood there in complete silence. I felt completely exposed to his presence and judgment. He was in no hurry to put me out of my misery.  

"Thank you, and I forgive you. I owe you an apology as well. I should have never made a pass at you."

A weight that I didn't know I was carrying was suddenly gone, and I felt lighter. The air in my lungs felt cleaner. The shackles that he held my prisoner disappeared. I was free, and I didn't know what to do with my freedom. It wasn't until Tyshawn had his arms wrapped around me that I realized I was crying. You can ask forgiveness, but like tomorrow, it's not promised.  

**

The days following my talk with Tyshawn were the most stagnant of my life. I wanted to reach out to Ryan and Cameron, but I knew that would go against everything I was trying to accomplish for us. I also knew they hadn't truly begun to heal and explore their own relationships.  

I need to talk to anyone. I didn't know who would or could understand my situation. I was a queer person of color who had fallen in love with two people at the same time, and I couldn't see a future without both of them. I felt broken inside, and I went to the only place I still felt safe. I went home.

My mom walked into the kitchen and found me sitting at the table. She was beyond shocked to find her baby boy sitting there. I was sad inside--a shell of my former self. Every disaster in my life had me at the center of it.  

"Baby, what are you doing here," she asked.

"Nothing," my voice trembled.  

"Marcus, what's wrong?" A mother, they say, can always tell when something is wrong with their child.  

"Why does every time I fall in love, it ends badly for me? Is there something wrong with me?"

She gasped emphatically, "No. There's nothing wrong with you." 

She pulled me into one of those big, loving embraces that only a mother could give. When she gasped, it was because her heart was breaking with mine. She felt my pain, and she hurt right along with me.   I thought I could be strong, but I wasn't. I missed both brothers more than I cared to admit.  

"You know, son, sometimes love hurts us in a way that also helps propel us forward in life. It may not seem like it right now, but these experiences are for a greater purpose in life."

"I don't want a greater purpose. I just want Cameron and Ryan." I could barely get the words out. I was crying so badly.

"You're grieving," my dad said as he stood in the archway to the kitchen. "You have all this love with nowhere to put it. I found that if you talk about it and just live in it, things become easier to heal and move past from."

"I have no words to describe how I feel, Dad."

"Don't describe it then. Just talk about it through your pictures or whatever. You're not alone in heartbreak. There's a whole world out there who may or may not have the same experience. Talk about it."

"I think your father may be right."

"Dad, when did you become the emotionally intelligent one?"

"Honestly, I took a class when you came out as gay. I wanted to make sure that if you ever needed me, I would be able to respond to your needs with sensitivity. You never needed me until now. You ran off when Benito died. I see the light in your eyes going out, and that can't happen. Talk!" 

There was something about his advice that registered with me. The idea of talking through it seemed like the best idea I had ever heard. Only I didn't want to just talk to my parents. I wanted to speak to the world about what I was feeling. I found myself in my old bedroom in front of my PC, making a YouTube video.   I had no idea what I was doing.

"Hey, YouTube. My name is Marcus, and I fell in love with two brothers. Let me tell you the story..."

My YouTube video went viral, and before I knew it, I was doing a podcast on being in love with multiple people at once. I called it "Three People with Marcus." It quickly became one of the most popular podcasts on Apple and Spotify.  

SIX MONTHS LATER

Things in my life were finally looking great. I had decided to move back to the South. It was a pretty late night, and I was in the middle of packing my apartment when a soft but forceful knock disrupted my evening. I wasn't dressed for a guest--I was in a pair of sweats and a beater.

I opened the door without thinking. To my surprise, it was Ryan. He was the last person I had expected to see. He looked wounded-almost like a lost sheep. Seeing him triggered a flood of emotions.

"Ry?"

"That's not the name you call me, beautiful." His voice was smooth as honey. I had almost forgotten how he sounded.

I smiled and said, "Cowboy."

He quickly pulled me in close to him, and our lips connected. He pressed his body against mine, and then he pushed his way into my apartment. He closed the door behind him. That was the last time we touched each other. That was the last time I made love to my cowboy!

TWO YEARS LATER

My podcast was going great. I had made a very nice life for myself with it. The last year, I had traveled around the world finding couples who had transitioned to throuples. I had taken their photos and was going to use them for my exhibition in the opening of my own gallery.  

The wind blew through my long dreads as I stood in the cemetery. So much had changed about my life over the last two years. I had traveled immensely and worked through so much of my trauma and past experiences. I was the same but different. In the last two years I had managed to stay single and focus only on my growth, podcast, and photography.  

It had been five years since Benito had taken his life. Not once had I come to visit his grave. For the longest time, I had pushed down what happened, and then I met the Young brothers, and I was forced to deal with my past. I hated myself and Benito for the longest, but therapy had helped me work through all of that.

As I stared at his tombstone, I said, "It's taken me a long time to get here. I wasn't sure what I'd say if I ever came, and now that I'm here, the only thing I want to do is see you alive and well. I'm sorry that I hurt you. Hindsight is a real bitch because I see now that I was in love with you and Ty at the same time. I'm not sure why I'm like that when it comes to love. You didn't deserve to have your heart played with. I'm so sorry, Benito. I hope wherever you are, you know that I'm sorry, and I wish you peace and rest."

The opening of the gallery was better than I could have expected. I had used my podcast as a way to advertise and market myself. The walls of the gallery were lined with photos of three ways: love triangles and throuples. I had placed a digitally altered photo of myself with Benito, Tyshawn, Cameron, and Ryan at the very end. It seemed only fitting since this all started with my own ability to love more than one person at a time. It was a road less traveled, but it was also one that was beginning to be explored more.

I was in the very back discussing a possible business deal with some company executive who loved my podcast and my podcast photos. My life was truly on the rise, and I couldn't have been happier. I was alone, but I was happy.  

"Marcus, you are very talented. I hope you don't mind me asking, but whatever happened with you and those two brothers?"

I responded, "Haha! Nothing. Two years, and I have no idea what became of them. I stopped looking and hoping that I would be their pick. I left it all in the past. I wish them well, and I pray that they find love and happiness in the end."

As I said the words to her, I thought back to the night Ryan last showed up at my apartment. I ravished his lean and smooth body. I could hear his moans in my ear. I could see myself bouncing up and down on his cock. I left so many marks on his body that night. It was the last time I had ever seen him.

"Have you found love and happiness?" She asked with such intrigue.

"Happiness? Yes, absolutely. Love? Well, I'm unlucky in love. I have my career, which is my passion, and I love that. For now, that has to be enough."

"Us single hard-working unlucky in love gals have to stick together."

"I'll drink to that," I said quickly with a pleasant smile.

Just as we were about to drink, my mom came running over. She looked panicked but in the funniest way possible. The girl was not a runner of any sort, and seeing her run was hysterical to me.

"Why are you running? You know that's not your ministry." I said in a cute way that only she could love and appreciate.

"Boy," she said as she tried to catch her breath. "These two white boys are setting up a  band or some at the front of the gallery, and your daddy is ready to go all John Wick on them."

I groaned, "Oh God! Why tonight?"

We quickly made our way to the front of the building. An entire crowd gathered around these idiots. I made my way through the crowd to the front with my mom. The moment I made it to the front, I stopped.  

My heart froze. They weren't just any random guys. It was Cameron and Ryan. Cameron's hair had grown longer. It hung at the nape of this neck and was lighter in color. Ryan was slimmer, and his hair was shorter but still dark. They were aging like fine wine. Cameron stood at the center with his guitar. Ryan was sitting at a set of drums. Each brother had a microphone.  

My eyes met with Ryan's eyes, and suddenly, I was filled with flashes of the last night we had together. I could see him on my bed squirming in pleasure as I took his hot cock into my mouth. Then he was on his knees, and I was sliding my dick inside of him. Those memories made me feel hot.

"Howdy, I hope you all are having a good time tonight. I'm Cameron and on the drums is Ryan. We wanted to celebrate Marcus tonight. Hope you'll indulge us for a bit."

Ryan began to lightly play the drums like some cool old school cat. I was impressed by his skill and ability to actually play an instrument. Cameron quickly came in with the guitar. It was their own rendition of Ed Sheeran's "Photograph." 

Cameron sang, "Loving can hurt. Loving can hurt sometimes. But it's the only thing that I know."

Ryan took over, "And when it gets hard. You know it can get hard sometimes. It is the only thing that makes us feel alive.

Together as a perfect duo, they sang, "We keep this love in a photograph. We make these memories for ourselves. Where our eyes are never closing, hearts are never broken, and time's forever frozen still. So, you can keep me inside the pocket of your ripped jeans. Holdin' me closer 'til our eyes meet. You won't ever be alone. Wait for me to come home."

The room broke out into sweet applause. I stood there in shock and at a loss for words. They had returned for me. They remembered me. I had started to think that I was forgotten, and when I least expected it, my loves had returned, and they were laying it all before me.  

My dad placed a hand on my shoulder, "I think they're calling you. Are you gonna answer, son?"

My dad was right. They were calling me after two long years. The three of us had traveled down the road less traveled to find ourselves, love, hope, strength, and courage. Was it enough? Were we finally ready? Was I once again ready to go down this road with them again-the road that would have me between the two!

TO BE CONTINUED

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