Don't Put Your Penis in A Toaster

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." - George Carlin

You might be waiting for the Bazinga. There is no Sheldon or any of the Cooper family here or any Bazinga to be uttered. Well this is the beginning of a story. A sad story. There are some things that should be instinctual. Something you don't have to tell your young son or nephew.

Don't put your penis in a toaster.

This shouldn't have needed to be said. There is no case where those words should ever have to be said. If you have to say them the next line should be...... "And now for the April Darwin Award Ceremony may I introduce the man who voided the warrantee on his toaster with his penis. Come up here and get your golden toaster trophy."

Put the following words into Google "London firefighters penis".

I am sorry for taking away your innocence and your loss in humanity. I heard about the story for the first time on my face book. I thought this couldn't be real. I was wrong. The Google search found it.

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Honestly what do you even say? I made jokes because what else are you going to do? It is a truly horrifying thing to imagine. I assume everyone has made toast and burned it on occasion. Now imagine then thinking "Sure I burned the toast but it would feel great on my penis.". Do you get a 4 slicer if you want a little "Junk in the Trunk". Do you check the toaster manual to see if it is water resistant?

I was a little bit shocked when I googled a toaster Manuel. Apparently it can be 8 pages. I skimmed it and nowhere does it mention it is unsafe to put a penis in. Well other then the things like drapes possibly catching on fire and possible electrocution. But really who could ever make a leap of logic as to that meaning it is a bad idea to put your penis in it.

I could make more jokes.

Instead it is time to make a story for the Loving Wives section. There will be a loving wife at some point. Ok that might be a tad too far fetched. There will be a wife. She must have really loved him at some point because she definitely did not marry him for his intelligence.

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Somewhere in London

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It is a quiet night and Billy Tallywacker the Third is home alone. His wife is out playing bingo and he is feeling a bit lonely. His birthday isn't towards the end of the year and he hasn't got the patience to wait that long.

He has set the stage. He has the Strawberry flavored lube. He has the soft music playing on loop. The lights have been dimmed. Billy is undressed and generously applying the lube.

"This might be a bit rough at first Billy Jr. but this will be an experience we will both remember."

There is a pillow and wrapped up in the pillow is a toaster. He looks at the toaster and with a low voice utters the following.

"You know you want it bitch."

With a thrust he puts his penis inside the toaster.

(( If I describe the following any further the mods will nuke the story. The important facts are that the toaster is plugged in with an object inside that squirts fluid. Any male reading this has already imagined in his mind what is going to happen. ))

BZZZZZZZZZZZZTTT!!!!!!

The power is out after the toaster short circuits. The room is now totally dark. The Stove is off. The microwave is off and likely relieved that it is not next to be raped. There is no lights because the circuit breaker was tripped in the basement.

A few hours later.

"Honey I'm home!!"

She noticed that all the lights are off.

"You think the amount we pay in rent the fuses wouldn't be blown every other week."

A quick trip to the basement and she flips the circuit breaker back on. She smells an odd odor as she goes to the kitchen.

"Honey were you cooking hot dogs?"

Mildred doesn't get a reply and starts looking around the house. Then she sees Billy naked at the kitchen table. He is hunched over a pillow. There is also excrement on the floor where Billy had a bowel movement. In his defense he is dead and had no control over it.

"ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME!!!"

She starts dialing the police.

"I'd like to report a death. My husband electrocuted himself fucking our toaster."

"Yeah the toaster........."

"No this is not an April Fools prank."

"How the hell would I know if he was drinking? I was at bingo."

"Do you think he would be fucking our toaster if I was home?"

"Fuck you bitch!! Send someone!!"

The Emergency Assistance lady does send someone. London Fire fighters are dispatched. No idea why they were sent. This is not a fire or anything requiring Fire Fighters.

On the plus side she may be able to save on batteries tonight now that she is single. But first there is another phone call.

"Hello Mom. Billy is dead."

There is a silence as she is being asked a half dozen questions. She isn't saying anything then mumbles very softly.

".......... He electrocuted himself putting his dick in a toaster."

The laughter can be heard over the phone. I am guessing that Mildred's mother is not particularly grief-stricken for her son in law.

"Yeah I know.......... I know.........."

"Yeah dad was right he is a dumbass. I know."

"Yeah you are right."

"Hell I don't even know if the insurance will pay out."

"Acts of stupidity aren't usually covered."

"I appreciate you and dad being willing to swear that he is that stupid."

As Mildred is about to hang up.

"Before I forget. I am not going to the family cook out next weekend."

"No it isn't that. I don't want to smell burnt hotdogs for a very long time."

The cackling laughter on the phone is really loud and you can hear her father's laughter. Mildred can't help but chuckle too. I know a human death is a tragedy but even Darwin himself would agree that this Darwin Award needed to be given before there was a Billy Tallywacker the Fourth.

If you were wondering the BTB is Burn the Billy and it was well done to burned badly.

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Somewhere a person is about to have a bad day

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There is a man in an office. He was contacted by the London Firefighters about an article he has to write. Travis Milton has awards for several stories but now he is at the London Times and has to write a Public Service Announcement about not putting your penis in a toaster.

I can tell you the words that went through his mind. "Are you fuckin kidding me?" "Seriously you are fucking with me right?" "This isn't funny any more. Barry from accounts put you guys up to this right?"

Sadly this is a real story because Billy Tallywacker the Third put Billy junior into a toaster.

Fuck my life..........

He starts typing and the F key is going to be used liberally.

"The London Firefighters have a Public Service Announcement. Ladies and Gentlemen I can't believe this needs to be said. Some fuckin moron put his fuckin penis in a fuckin toaster and electrocuted himself like a fuckin dumbass. Hell he ruined the fuckin toaster and now I have to write a fuckin Public Service Announcement not to put your fuckin dick in a fuckin toaster because this fuckin dumbass got a Darwin Award for exceptional dumbassery. Hell there will probably be a fuckin logo of a penis with a cross through it put on it to warn people. If you are a fuckin moron don't put your goddamn dick in a fuckin toaster."

He then E-Mails it to his editor. It gets sent back immediately with the following. "I get it. Stupid story. We'd be better if these idiots chlorinated the gene pool by sticking their penis directly into a light socket. Rewrite it with at least 12 less uses of the word fuckin."

There is a bottle of whisky in Travis's desk. He takes it out and looks at the nearly empty coffee cup. One pour later the coffee cup is now full. The whisky bottle is not so full. On the plus side he doesn't need to get another cup of coffee.

"Alexa."

"Yes Sugar Muffin."

"Can you find me a chat program to write a Public Service Announcement saying don't put your penis in a toaster?"

"How many words does it need to be Sugar Muffin?"

"About 300."

AI can do amazing things. Like politely explain to readers how putting your penis in a toaster is a bad idea. Heaven knows Travis couldn't do it. In Travis's defense he is drinking a coffee with the equivalent of three generous dbl shots. He will be lucky to E-Mail this to his editor and not his uncle Floyd by mistake.

After turning it in Travis goes home for the day.

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Somewhere a person is about to have an even worse day

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Mildred Tallywacker is walking up to a customer service desk. There is a young lady there. She looks at Mildred before saying the following words.

"Can I help you?"

"I need to return this."

Mildred removes a criminal evidence bag from her bag. In it is a toaster. Yeah that toaster. The police didn't need to keep it for evidence. It was bagged up by the forensic team before the investigating detectives got there. They just rolled their eyes and said they didn't need the toaster.

"What happened to it?"

"My idiot husband put his penis in it and electrocuted himself."

The young lady never identified herself. Her eyes glaze over. Her brain just broke. She is looking at the toaster. You ever look at something and no matter how long you look at it things will never make sense. This broke her brain.

"Hello?"

With those words she puts her name tag and vest on the desk. If anyone read it it would say Kaylee. She leaves. She never looks back as people start yelling at her asking what she is doing.

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Final Words

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Seriously what do you do with a story like this?

I wanted to improve this story but after 3 weeks I give up. I don't think it can get to the point where it is a good story because it involves a man putting his penis in a toaster. It isn't a horrible story but there isn't a lot you can make out of a Darwin Award scenario like this.

Do you write 12 pages and have a slow build to the eventual reconciliation? Does the wife hire a hit team to avenge her husband that was murdered by the toaster? Do I change the name of Billy Tallywacker the Third to Marc LaValliere in case there is a Feb Sucks story shortage in May. (Yeah started this in April.)

Hmmmmmmmmmmm Marc hasn't had his penis burned off in a toaster yet.

It is a quiet night and Marc Lavalliere is home alone.....

KIDDING!!!

It is bad enough to have a story about a man and his toaster. Adding Marc LaValliere into this would be even more wrong. They might even have to create a negative star rating.

Even in the 200 plus February Sucks stories Marc Lavalliere would never be dumb enough to stick his penis in a toaster. But if someone wants dibs on this story idea have at it. Just don't give me credit. Then again there was a story where Marc LaValliere was killed by vampires so a toaster may still be useable. It wouldn't even be the most insane take on the Feb Sucks genre.

What is more likely? Marc being killed by vampires or Marc electrocuting himself putting his penis in a toaster. I used to think it was the vampires and I am wrong. And I was thinking vampires are more likely after seeing Nicolas Cage and the Twilight stories destroy the entire vampire genre.