The Important Days

This is my entry for the 2025 Nude Day Contest. It is also my first time writing for the First Time category. I hope you enjoy it.

*****

"Happy Birthday!"

Many names are jumbled together following the cheer: three small voices saying Grandpa, two adult voices saying Daddy and a handful saying Jason. Four generations are here to celebrate. My sixtieth birthday was actually yesterday, but not everyone could come until today, a Saturday. After more than twenty-thousand days, what is one more?

They are all here to acknowledge my birthday, but also to see how I am doing nine months after I lost Nancy.

"Thank you all. This is the best day I have had in some time," I tell everyone.

"What was your best day ever, Jason?" Andrew asks.

Andrew is my son-in-law, the father of two of my grandchildren.

"Oh, that one's easy. The day Nancy said yes."

The party is nice and I open my presents. I will cherish them all, especially the drawings that Jeremy, Lily, and Megan, my grandchildren, drew for me. But I am not used to all this commotion. Especially before the spring semester starts Tuesday. I live a very quiet life.

I tell everyone I am going to go sit in my easy chair in the living room and rest for a while. I close my eyes and think about the earlier question. That was definitely my happiest day. Either that or the day Natalie was born.

But it wasn't my most important day or rather days. The first was forty two years ago, to the day. The day after my eighteenth birthday, I remember it like it was yesterday.

******

I was a senior in high school, but I had exhausted all the math courses they taught, so I was taking courses at the local state college. I had taken Calc 3 in the fall and I was taking Linear Algebra this spring. The fall course had been in the same building as all the math offices, where my mother had brought me one day the summer before to meet a professor. I was comfortable with that building.

This class was in a building on the other side of the quad, the Wilson Fine Arts building. The class was after my regular school day ended and I had to take a city bus from my high school to campus. I got off at the wrong stop that first day and had to run the whole way across campus. I scrambled up the stairs at Wilson hoping not to be late. I saw the numbers 201 on a door in front of me as I exited the stair well. A closed door.

Gulping that I was about to be scolded for coming late, I walked through the door and stopped dead in my tracks. In front of me, on a small stage, was a naked woman lying on a couch. I stood petrified, my mouth agape.

I had never seen a real live naked woman before. I had seen some pictures in magazines, but this was a real woman, fully naked, less than ten feet from me.

A woman, I assume the instructor, asked, "Can I help you with something, young man?"

"Umm, I thought my math class was in here. I am pretty sure this isn't Linear Algebra."

"What room is your class in?"

"Two oh one"

"This is two oh seven. Two oh one is down the hall a little ways."

"Sorry."

Turning bright red, I turned and left the room. I could hear the whole class laughing as I shut the door.

I looked at the number of the door. It does in fact say 207. I could have sworn it said 201. I find my class down the hall. When my class gets out, I see that the door to 207 is now open, the room empty.

That night, all I can think of is the naked woman. Every detail of her is seared into my brain. I masturbate to the image of her. And the next night. And the night after.

She is still dominating my thoughts four weeks later when I have my first exam in Linear Algebra. This math comes easily to me; I finish early and the professor tells me I can leave. Looking at my watch, I realize I have just enough time to catch the earlier bus if I hurry. Otherwise, I will have to wait an hour to catch my usual bus.

Home an hour earlier means an extra hour on my Atari. I grab my stuff and sprint out of the room, towards the stairwell. And crash full speed into someone coming the other way.

That someone is the woman of my obsession, but she is wearing a robe right now. Or mostly wearing. We have both fallen to the ground in the collision. And her robe has fallen part way open, exposing most of one of her breasts. I am sitting on the ground just staring at her.

She laughs. "I recognize you. You are the mathematician who can't tell a seven from a one. I take it you found your class?"

Just as I did the other time she saw me, I am turning bright red. I snap myself away from staring at her breast and say "Yeah, I just finished an exam. Sorry about this, I was trying to hurry to catch a bus home and wasn't looking."

"Well you are certainly looking now," she says, still laughing.

She looks at me and adds, in a more understanding tone, "I wasn't looking where I was going either. I am guessing you missed your bus now."

I look at my watch and nod. "Probably. Oh well. There is another one in an hour."

"What is your name, math boy?"

"Jason."

"Well, Jason. If you get up without ripping my robe off the rest of the way and let me get changed, I would be glad to have a coffee at the union with you until it's time for your next bus."

I pull my legs from their entanglement with her, stand up, and offer her a hand up. I can't help but look as she flashes her privates at me as she gets herself off the floor.

"You really can't keep your eyes off, can you?" she asks, laughing once again.

My color, which was starting to return to normal, is back to beet red again. I do look away.

"It's okay. I really don't mind. And it's flattering, to be honest. Wait here, I will be back in a minute."

She goes into an unmarked door and comes back out moments later, fully dressed. Or more or less fully dressed. She is wearing jeans and a knit cotton top that clings to her breasts, unobscured by a bra. Her nipples clearly protrude through the soft fabric.

We chat while we walk across campus to the union,

"Do you model every week for that class?"

"No, only when you are around."

I look at her quizzically, and she clarifies, "I think we are on a four week rotation. I was joking about it being tied to you."

Just before entering the union, she says to me, "How old are you Jason and what are you doing taking math I have never even heard of when you are still a teenager?

"I turned eighteen last month. I am in my senior year of high school. But I took Calc in eleventh grade, which was the last math course the high school offers. So my mom brought me in last summer to meet with a math professor here and he arranged for me to take Calc 3 in the fall and Linear this spring."

"What is all that math? Scratch that, I don't think I want to know. So you are some kind of genius."

"The math comes easily to me. To be honest, these two courses are fun but they are still not especially challenging. I at least do have to spend some time to do the homework now."

"How about your other classes?"

"The sciences are okay, except Biology. I hated that. And I don't like the labs for any of them. English is okay, too, but I am not a good writer. I love reading though. Oh and social studies is just stupid."

I think about what I just said. Did I just stick my foot in mouth? "Are you a student?"

She nods.

"What is your major?"

"Psychology and history double major. Or as you call it, social studies."

I look down dejectedly.

"It's okay. I hated my high school social studies, too. It's different in college."

I perk back up some. "You never told me your name."

"I'm Ellie. I was wondering when you were going to ask."

"I'm sorry. I am not used to talking to girls."

"I am a woman, Jason. Don't call anyone over eighteen a girl."

"Well, the only woman I ever talk to is my mom. We talk a lot."

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"No, it's just my mom and me. My dad died four years ago. His car got hit by a wrong way driver on the highway when he was coming home from a shift in the ER."

"Was he a doctor?"

"Yeah."

"That must have been hard on you."

"It sucked, but more for my mom. I was always closer to her. My dad worked a lot of hours and neither of us were into the classic father-son stuff. You know like catch or fishing or anything. He didn't get video games and he didn't read much anymore. I guess he doesn't read at all now. But my mom and I got even closer after he died. I think she needs someone to talk to now, so we talk a lot."

"Does she work?"

"Yeah, she is a nurse. It's how they met. She works an eleven AM to seven PM shift weekdays now. So the late afternoon class worked out well."

"Your class meets once or twice a week?"

"Twice, Tuesday and Thursday four to five-fifteen."

"What do you do with yourself after school the rest of the week?"

"Three afternoons a week, I work at the comic book store from three to six and then Saturday from nine to two."

"Does that leave you any time for friends?"

"Terry was really my last friend. His family moved away two years ago. Andy who owns the comic book store is nice and we talk when the store is quiet."

"No girlfriends I take it either."

I shake my head no.

"I will make you a deal. I will meet with you after class every Tuesday and Thursday. But you have to make one promise to me."

"What's that?"

"Take a shower every Tuesday and Thursday morning. And maybe use deodorant. Unscented though if you do. You are stinky."

I blush yet again.

"It's okay. It's a problem with lots of guys your age. But it's not much fun to be around you when you smell bad. You might even get a girlfriend out of it someday."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"I kind of expected you to ask me a lot of them today. What is this question?"

"Why are you doing this? Why are you being so nice to me? No one ever does this, except Andy and my mom. I think he is even lonelier than I am. And she is, well, my mother, so of course she is nice to me."

"To be honest, I am not sure. You were adorable when you walked in on me modeling that first day. Especially when you blushed. Was that the first time you had ever seen a naked woman?"

"Other than the pictures in the magazines Terry would steal from his dad, yeah."

"I figured so. And you are so sincere. Most the guys I meet, ones my age I mean, will say anything to me to try to get into my pants. And so many of the women are more than a little catty under the surface. You are a nice break. I can relax a little.

"And you are cute, in a scruffy way. And you looked like you needed a friend.

"Or maybe because you fit something in my head for the Adolescent Psych course I am taking now. I really don't know. But I enjoyed our talk, didn't you?"

I nod my head vigorously. I really did enjoy this time. And I am mostly managing not to stare at her boobs through the knit top.

"So, Jason, do you have any more questions for me before you have to go catch your bus?"

"You said guys your age. How old are you? I know you are not really old like my mom, but you seem a lot older than all the girls in my school."

"First off, you better not tell your mom she is real old. But I am about to turn twenty two, so a little less than four years older than you. I am a senior this year. Everyone grows up a lot in those four years, men and women. You will be very different in four years than you are now. And I would have to worry that you were trying to get into my pants. Not that you wouldn't want to be there now, I bet."

I blush one more time, confirming her suspicions I guess. I try to seem cool as I look at my watch.

"I better go before I miss this bus, too. Are you serious about meeting me again on Thursday?"

"Absolutely, but don't forget that shower. No more stinky-poo meetings. I will be waiting at a table here."

I hurry to catch the bus, but my heart and my mind are racing much faster. As I think about her during the bus ride home, I get a huge boner. I pile my jacket in my lap so no one else notices and try to compute cube roots in my head to calm down. At home, I can't even survive the first level of PacMan. All I can think about is Ellie.

When my mom gets home, I run down and give her a big hug. I sit on a stool in the kitchen while she prepares some spaghetti for us.

"You are in a good mood tonight," she says to me.

"I just had a good day, Mom."

"Didn't you have an exam in your math class?"

"Yeah, It was pretty easy. I got to leave early."

"What aren't you telling me Jason?"

I try to not look her in the eyes, but I have never been able to avoid her eyes when she wants to look at me.

"Did you meet a new friend today?"

I nod.

"Is it a girl?"

"She is a woman, Mom. She says I shouldn't call anyone over eighteen a girl."

"That's a good idea. Is she a student at the college?"

"Yeah."

"In your math class?"

"No. I ran into her in the hallway."

"Literally ran into her?"

"Yeah, I was trying to hurry to catch the early bus since I got out early. I apologized, but she said she wasn't looking where she was going either. I helped her up and we went to the union together and talked. Oh, after she got dressed."

I immediately regret saying that last bit.

"She was naked when you ran into her?"

"No, she had a robe. But it did kind of pop open when she fell."

"Why was she dressed in just a robe in the hallway?"

"She models for the art class next door to my math class."

"Does she model all the time?"

"Just twice so far, I think. At least I have only seen her twice."

Why can't I just shut up and not say things like that.

"So you saw her modeling another time. When was that?"

"I walked into the wrong classroom the first day. She was modeling for the class."

"And she was nude..."

I nod, blushing.

"What did you do when you walked in on her?"

"I think I mostly stood there staring, until the art teacher pointed out I was in the wrong room. Then I just turned bright red and left the room."

"That sounds pretty accurate. Okay, this is a little odd. Do you know what her name is?"

"I am not a complete idiot, Mom. I asked her. Her name is Ellie."

"And what did you and Ellie do at the union?"

"We just talked. Mostly she asked me questions about me and I answered them."

"Are you going to see her again?"

This time I nod more enthusiastically.

"Are you planning on running into her in the hallway again?"

"Mom, be serious. We are going to meet at the union again on Thursday after class. On one condition."

"What condition is that?"

"I have to take a shower Thursday morning. And use the deodorant you gave me a few months ago. She said I am stinky."

"Well, that's one point in Ellie's favor. Did she tell you why she is doing this?"

"I did ask her that, because I was surprised. She said I was cute. And I looked like I needed a friend. And she said I wasn't trying to get in her pants, like all the guys her age are."

She grumbles a bit and then says, "Can you give her our phone number Thursday and ask her to call me?"

"Do you have to bother her, Mom?"

"I would like to know who my baby boy is spending his time with."

"I am not a baby nor a boy, Mom. I am eighteen and should be called a man."

I try to stand up tall and stick my chest out.

Mom comes over and tussles my hair and gives me a hug, saying, "You will always be my baby boy to me."

Then she steps back and says, "Ellie is right though. You are stinky."

Wednesday was a blur. That afternoon at the comic book store, I told Andy about Ellie. All he said was "You lucky devil."

I get up early Thursday and take an extra long shower, scrubbing every inch of me three times. I put the deodorant on twice and pick my nicest tee shirt to wear. The professor calls on me in Linear Algebra, and for the first time all semester, I didn't know the answer. I really hadn't been paying attention.

After class, I race over to the union, making sure not to run into anyone this time. She was sitting at the same table, today wearing a stretchy white top that showed lots of cleavage. And still showed her nipples clearly. I grab a drink, almost forgetting to pay, before I sit at the table with her.

As I sit down, she sniffs at the air and pronounces, "Good job, Jason. No stinkies today."

I smile. But then, looking a little sheepish, I say, "My mom told me I have to give you her number and she wants you to call her."

"I kind of figured she would. Did you and your mom have a nice talk about me?"

"I didn't even mean to tell her about you, but she kind of got me to tell her."

"Mom's have ways of doing that, especially with how much you and your mom talk."

"She asked me if my new friend was a girl, and I told her you wanted to be called a woman."

"I bet that warmed her heart. And did you say how we met? What I was doing?"

"Yeah, it kind of slipped out. I am really not good at keeping secrets from her at all."

"You are not very hard to read, Jason. This is going to be an interesting discussion with her, I can see."

"She was real happy you managed to get me to take a shower. She has been after me about that for almost a year."

"There are some levers that are easier for female friends than mothers. Did you think of any questions you want to ask me this afternoon?"

"Do you have a boyfriend right now?"

"Oh, you want to know about the competition do you? Do I have to worry about keeping you out of my pants now, too? But to answer your question, no I am not in a relationship with anyone at this time."

"Have you had a lot of sex?"

"Going straight for the personal questions. I am not a virgin. I will admit to that. And what is a lot to one person may be very little to someone else."

I am still looking expectantly at her.

"Oh, you want a number. You do realize that asking a woman her number is a very personal question. Do you think we know each other that well yet? Let me think about that one. Next question."

"Do you like modeling? Nude I mean?"

"You are really going after it today. You must have been thinking about me a lot in the last two days. Just what are you thinking in there, I wonder."

I am turning bright red again, but also getting another huge boner. I just hope she doesn't look under the table. Thinking about her seeing it makes it even worse.

"I am sorry, I shouldn't tease you. I would worry about one of us if you weren't thinking of me like that. You are just so easy to embarrass.

"But do I enjoy being naked in front of a group of people. Yes, I do. And I get very horny doing it. Sometimes, I masturbate in the changing room afterwards, before I get dressed again. Is that what you want to know about?"

This is not helping my problem.

"To be honest, I did masturbate after that first day you walked in. And you staring was one of the things I thought about while I did. And I probably would have masturbated again on Tuesday if you had not knocked me over. Although I am sorry to tell you that I would not have thought about you that time."

I am squirming uncomfortably in my seat.

"I am sorry. Do you need to go to the restroom to take care of something? I will wait for you. And don't feel bad. This is another form of compliment to me."

I try to nonchalantly hang my pack in front of me as I make my way across the room towards the restrooms. To avoid looking at anyone else on the way over, I look at the posters on the wall. It seems like students can post most anything. My high school would never allow at least half of what is posted.

Once to the restrooms, I take a stall and close the door. It only takes me a minute imagining ejaculating onto her cleavage to get relief. It took the edge off my need, but my boner is still rock hard when I head back.

On the way back to our table, I compute more cube roots in my head. I have to concentrate enough to get the fourth digit of the cube root of 23 to regain some control.

"You looked deep in concentration on your way back here. What was going on in that head of yours?"

"When I get that problem, I usually calculate cube roots in my head. But I can't do that when I am sitting here, your boobs are too distracting."

"Should I not show them off so much to you?"

I shake my head no. That would ruin everything. I need to find better control or she might.

"You have been asking me personal questions, so I get to ask you a few. Did you tell your mom you masturbate at night thinking about me?"

I turn bright red again and shake my head no.

"Have you been thinking about me when you jerk off since that first day?"

I sheepishly nod yes.

"Every night?"

I nod yes again.

"More than once a night?"

"Some times. Some times once is enough."

"I think we should probably change the subject. Do you have any non-sexual questions you want to ask me?"

"I told you about what classes I liked and didn't. All I know is what your major is. What classes do you like?"

"Almost any course I would take, I would really enjoy if it is taught by a good teacher. And any course can be awful if it's a bad teacher. That is one of the big differences with college."

"I have had good teachers for my two courses so far, I think. My Linear teacher keeps me really engaged. I guess except for today."

"What happened today?"

"I think I was thinking about our meeting and stopped paying attention."

"So I am adding a second condition on our meetings then. You still have to keep showering. AND you have to pay attention in class. No screwing up your math because of me."

This almost feels like having a second mother right now. And then I think of masturbating to an image of my mother. Not sexy at all. Just thinking it makes me feel a little oogy. Better focus on the conversation.

"What makes a good teacher?"

"Mostly, it's their passion, both for the material and for the students. And their ability to explain it. Some professors have no idea how to talk to someone who doesn't already understand their field. They might be fine in an upper level course or a grad course, but they are dreadful in an intro."

"How do you know who is a good teacher?"

"Your first semester you probably won't. If you are lucky, your advisor or your department will steer you away from bad professors. After that, you know people who ended up having a class with them. Sometimes, you don't hear about them or they are the only one teaching a class you need or really want, so you suffer through."

"What's been your favorite course?"

"It probably depends on the day you ask me. I really like my Adolescent Psych course I am in now. It is the third course I have had from him and this one is my favorite of them. And I really liked the drawing class I took my first semester. From the teacher who I am modeling for now. The one who explained the room number to you.

"I had no interest in taking an art class of any sort, but my advisor talked me into it. I think he knew she was good a good teacher. I liked her so much, I took two more drawing classes from her, including the one I am modeling for this semester. And I took three other art courses, so I actually ended up with an Art minor. If you had told me I would do that when I was in my last semester of high school, I would have laughed at you."

I look at my watch. Without getting out of class early, I don't have as much time here, and I need to hurry now.

"I have to go. Will you be here on Tuesday?"

"If you keep your two promises. Shower and pay attention in class."

"I will. See you then!"

Unlike Tuesday, my heart is not racing when I get on the bus. Instead, I am filled with a warmth from head to toe. I know the word for this feeling, a word I never really understood until this moment. I am in love.

I don't even bother turning on my Atari when I get home. I just wander around the house, savoring the feeling.

I say hi to my mom when she gets home. She takes a look at me and smiles and shakes her head. "I take it you had your meeting with Ellie this afternoon?"

"Yeah, it was wonderful."

"What did you two talk about?"

"Mostly about school and classes and stuff. I think she is trying to get me to take more than just Math in college."

I am proud of myself for not blabbing about the first discussion and me needing to go to the restroom for some relief.

"Good for her. Did you give her our number?"

"Yeah, she said she was expecting that."

"That makes me feel a little better."

"We didn't get to talk for very long today, because I had to catch the bus. But the time we had was wonderful."

My eyes close and I drift off to another world as I say 'wonderful', a big smile pasted on my face.

As we are finishing dinner, the phone rings and Mom gets up to answer it.

She listens for a moment and then says, "Yes, I am."

She listens for another moment and then puts the phone aside and tells me, "Jason, can you go upstairs and play with your games for a while. Mommy needs some privacy for this phone call."

I do as I am told, but I am a little concerned. She doesn't shoo me away like that very often.

Several minutes later, my mom comes up into my room.

"That was your Ellie on the phone. She is quite interesting."

"She is wonderful."

"You understand that even though you are eighteen now, she is a good bit more experienced than you."

"I asked her how much sex she had had, but she said that asking a woman her number was a very personal question and we did not know each other that well yet."

My mom opens her mouth to say something and then thinks better of it.

After a moment, she says, "Ellie and I are going to have lunch Saturday, while you are working at the shop. I try not to do anything behind your back, but I also don't want to see you get hurt. We obviously will be talking about you."

"Ellie would never hurt me. She is too wonderful."

My mom leaves the room, shaking her head.

I kind of float through Friday and Saturday. By the end of Friday, Andy yells as me that if I say wonderful one more time, he was going to fire me.

By the end of my shift on Saturday, I am getting nervous about what Ellie and my mom are saying to each other. If Mom forbids me to see her anymore, what would I do? What would Ellie do? I expect she would not want to go against my mom's wishes. God, that would really suck.

When I get back from work, Mom is sitting in the living room. I immediately ask her, "How did lunch with Ellie go?"

"We had a really interesting conversation. I like her a lot."

"Isn't she won-, er, great?"

My mom looks at me oddly.

"Andy told me he was going to fire me if I said she was wonderful one more time."

She laughs for a minute and then says, "Ellie got me to understand that you are a man now and that you will need some privacy. I will try to do that for you. I know I can get you to tell me things you don't want to, but I will try my best not to do that. But I need you to make me one promise, though, okay?"

"What's the promise?"

"If anything ever happens, with Ellie or anyone else, that makes you feel uncomfortable, that you don't feel good about, then you tell me. If I am not going to pry, it puts the responsibility on you. This is going to be hard on me, you are still my little baby boy and I want to protect you and take care of you. But in six months, you will be in college and I won't be there to take care of you. So can you promise to tell me?"

I nod my head.

"Of course, anything you are willing to tell me, I still want to hear."

I run over and give her a hug. "You are the greatest, Mom."

"Am I even wonderful?"

"Don't push your luck."

We laugh together. She really is my best friend.

The rest of the weekend flies by. Between Andy snapping at me and the worry and relief over the lunch, I seem to be out of my moony phase and just very happy. Tuesday morning is another shower day. At breakfast, my mom says, "I forgot to tell you, I agreed to let Ellie drive you home now, so you can have a little longer time together."

I give my mom a big hug, saying, "You are wonderful, Mom!"

I suffer through school and, despite wanting to think about Ellie, I manage to stay focused in my math class. I am the first one out of class and run as fast as I can to the union. Ellie is sitting at our usual table.

She is wearing a white shirt today. Another relatively clingy one, but none of the cleavage from Thursday. But this material is thin enough that I can see the darkness of her nipples where they are poking out. And the ring of color around them.

I try not to stare.

"Did you stay focused in your math class today?"

"It was hard, but I did. Oh, and I got my exam back from last week."

"How did you do?"

"I made a mistake," I say, disappointedly.

"Was it a big mistake?"

"No, I dropped a negative sign in the middle of a problem."

"So you did okay on the exam?"

"Yeah, I got a 97. But I only lost 4 points all of Calc 3. So I am way worse. And he wrote me a note saying that I should have double checked my work instead of hurrying through it."

"Probably a good idea."

"But I wouldn't have run into you if I hadn't hurried!"

"Did you know you were going to run into me?"

I shake my head no.

"Then do what he says. Maybe next time you would miss the person if you hurried too quickly. Some things are worth slowing down for and doing right.

"Did he say how the rest of the class did?"

"Yeah. The class average was 57. I think the second highest grade was an 84."

"And you are upset about your 97."

"I guess it does kind of seem silly, doesn't it."

"Always pushing yourself to be better is good. Just remember to take a step back and try to get some perspective on things before you get upset. Or anything else really, I guess."

"I had a couple more questions for you."

"Are they sexual?"

I nod my head.

"Let's wait for a while on those. I don't want you to have to run to the restroom again. And I want you to practice talking to me. I know you want to stare at my nipples. We are going to play a little game. I assume your mom told you I will drive you home today, so we are not on as tight of a schedule?"

I nod my head, this time with a big grin on my face.

"For this game, I want you to not look at my chest. Look me in the eyes. Every time I feel your eyes wandering down too much, I will pick up my car keys, like this."

She jingles her keys.

"If your eyes come back up where they belong, I will set the keys down. If you can't control yourself, it's time to drive you home. I will need to drive you home eventually, but how soon is largely up to you. Do you understand the game?"

I nod my head.

"You can take a minute to stare as much as you want before we start."

I do stare intently, studying the shape of her breasts and her nipples more carefully than I ever have.

"Okay, you need to stop before you have a puddle of drool in front of you. Eyes up on my face now and keep them there."

"What should we talk about?"

"The weather. Politics. TV shows. Movies. What books you are reading. How our days went. What is happening tomorrow. Normal stuff to talk about."

"I don't ever talk about stuff like that."

"Well, telling me about your exam counted. And that's what adults tend to talk about. And you need practice being an adult right now. So you are ready for college this fall."

"Mom mentioned college this fall, too."

"Yeah, we talked about it some on Saturday. She is really a lovely woman, Jason. And she is not real old. Your grandparents are real old."

We do chat for well over an hour. About everything. And I enjoyed it. She had to jingle her keys regularly early on, but I got better at it.

Finally, she says, "We really do have to go now. You did well today and I enjoyed our conversation."

"I did, too."

Once we are in her car, she says, "We can have a different conversation in the car. But you have to pay enough attention to where we are going to get me to your house. And, if you would like, you can put one hand on one of my breasts to feel it for a minute. Over the shirt. I know you have wanted to grab them all afternoon."

I reach over and grab hold and squeeze.

"Gently, they are soft and sensitive. Feel the weight of it in your hand."

I do relax and get a sense of what it feels like.

"Okay, that is enough. And hands to yourself while I am driving, We don't need to crash."

She backs out of her space and says, "What were your questions earlier?"

"Do you model because you get horny?"

"It certainly makes it more fun. But it's my gas money. It's the best money I can make per hour, short of doing something I won't."

"Do you mean prostitution?"

"Yeah, that's what I mean."

"Do women really do that?"

"I know a couple of students who do, yeah. And they make pretty good money, too. Did you have a second question?"

"What do you do when you masturbate?"

"Do you mean what do I think about or what do I do physically?"

"What do you do physically. I mean, I'm easy. What do girls do? Sorry, what do women do?"

"You are getting down to the nitty gritty, aren't you. We're actually pretty easy, too. Do you know what the clitoris is?"

"Yeah. More or less. They mentioned it briefly in sex ed."

"Jesus, this country is a bunch of fucking prudes. Excuse my language. Sex ed should be mostly about the clitoris. There would be a lot more happy marriages in this country if it were. The clit is a small bump in the top of my -. Would you be more comfortable if I used scientific terms or common terms for things?"

"I guess scientific. No, I want to hear the common terms."

"Well, the clit is a small bump near the top of my pussy. It is really sensitive. Much more so than your dick, even. If I am mentally ready, it only takes a minute or so of gently rubbing to get myself off. But if I am not in the mood, any rubbing is just super annoying."

"How often do you masturbate?"

"It depends on my mood. And whether I have a regular lover. Women have an advantage; we can come as often as we like."

"Will you masturbate tonight?"

"I will probably masturbate as soon as I get home."

"Thinking about me?"

"Yes. mostly."

We have gotten to my house now. I am about to get out, when she says, "You can kiss me if you want to. But no hands."

I lean over and our lips touch. And the world stops, except for the lightning running from my lips straight to my groin. And I suddenly have a raging boner.

She breaks off the kiss and I turn to walk into my house, still in a daze.

"Jason?"

I turn back to her.

"You forgot your pack."

I blush and grab my pack and go into the house. And straight up into my room to take care of this boner.

When my mom gets home, she asks me how my time with Ellie went. I explain about the game she was playing with me. I even tell her about being able to see her nipples through her shirt. My mom seems happy with that game.

I ask her, "Do guys stare at your breasts, Mom? Is that a big problem?"

"Some men are really bad about it. It's very rude. It makes me, or almost any woman I imagine, uncomfortable. Or worse. But I guess that's why it is rude. Doing something that makes other people uncomfortable is almost always rude."

"Isn't it always rude?"

"I guess I was thinking about things like protests where the point is to make people feel uncomfortable about what is going on. But maybe that is rude too, just rude with a purpose. Did anything else happen that you want to tell me about?"

"She let me ask my sexual questions on the ride home."

"What did you ask her?"

"I asked her if she modeled because it made her horny, but she said it was the easiest way to make money other than being a prostitute and she wouldn't do that."

"Good for her."

"And I asked her how she masturbated."

My mom blushes now.

"Did she tell you?"

"She talked a little bit about her clit and stuff. Mom, do you masturbate?"

"That is a very personal question, dear, but I guess you are being very honest with me. Sometimes, yes. I miss your father very much in many ways. And one of those ways is how good he could make me feel in bed. I definitely miss that."

"Do you want to find a boyfriend or a lover or something?"

"Ellie asked me the same thing. Did you two talk about this?"

I shake my head no.

"Well, I guess it is an obvious question. Between work and raising you as a single parent, I really haven't spent much time on me. But it is probably time to think about my own romantic interests. Would you be too weirded out by it?"

"I think Ellie is trying to help me understand that. She told me not to call you real old anymore."

"You called me real old. To her?"

I nod my head sheepishly.

"Good of her to tell you off for that."

"Oh, and she let me kiss her when I got out of the car."

I close my eyes and remember the kiss.

"Did she now?"

We have a nice relaxing dinner together. Things are changing between us, but to me, it's change for the better. I feel like she is treating me more like an adult, not a child. When she feels the need, she can still turn on her mother mode, but most the time we are more like close friends, peers who can confide in each other.

As I start to the union on Thursday, I see Ellie standing by the entrance. First, I think something must be wrong. She is going to tell me that she can't meet today or something. And she is wearing a flannel shirt, not the revealing tops she has been wearing.

When I get all the way to her, she gives me a peck on the lips and says, "Different plan today. I think you will approve. Follow me."

"Where are we going?"

"My apartment. My roommate works Tuesday and Thursday evening, so we have the place to ourselves."

This is sounding very promising.

After a short drive, we walk up a flight of stairs on the outside of an oldish looking house. We walk into a single mid-sized room, a couch at one side of it, a small kitchen at the other and a table that might be able to sit four in the middle. There are three doors off the far side, presumably two bedrooms and a bathroom. The bathroom door is half open and I can see the tiled floor inside.

"It's not much, but this is home for another few months. The bathroom's in there if you need it.

"My suggestion is that we both get naked, but I have to tell you the ground rules first.

"One: No touching. This is not an invitation to anything more. I like to be naked when I am not in public and I thought you would appreciate it. And if I am naked, you should be too.

"Two: When we are talking to each other, you look at me, at my face and my eyes. Just like the game last week, except the distractions are greater. If you can't do it, I will put my shirt back on, spoiling your view of everything. I will give you a good look before we start talking and you are welcome to look if I walk to grab something in the kitchen or something.

"Three: Relax. You may get an erection. If you do, so be it. I may joke about it. You can joke about it. If it really bothers you, go in the bathroom and take care of things. I am not ready to watch you. Yet."

I like that word 'yet'.

"Sounds like a good plan to me. Rule three is my biggest concern. I am already getting a boner thinking of you getting undressed in front of me."

"Would it be easier if I undress in my room and then come out nude? Taking your clothes off is much more sexual than being nude."

"That's probably a good idea. I can get undressed while you are in there."

She walks into one of the bedrooms and pushes the door partly shut. I start taking off my clothes. I have a momentary fear that this whole thing has been an elaborate prank. She is going to burst back out, fully dressed, and take a picture with a polaroid and laugh at me actually getting undressed.

But it isn't a prank and I finish getting undressed and sit on the couch. She comes back out, stark naked. She stands in front of the couch, in front of me for a moment as I look at her body up and down. She turns around so I can see her from behind.

"Are there any more angles you would like to see?"

"No, I think that is good for now."

"I am going to sit on the floor. Are you okay with sitting on the floor across from me? I think that would be most comfortable for talking."

She sits cross legged on the floor. The exposes her pussy much more than standing in front of me did. I try not to stare for long. I sit cross legged on the floor as well, facing her, just a few feet of space between our naked bodies.

We sit staring at each other for a few minutes. This feels a bit awkward. I guess she is making me start the conversation today.

"You told me a bit about your psych major and your art minor. but I haven't heard anything about your history major. Why do you like history? Isn't it all just memorizing dates and names and things like that?"

"That is what the history you have gotten so far is. I hated history when I got here. But this is different. Most of the history courses here assume you know the dates, or can go look them up in your textbook or the library. I am interested in social history, the history of ordinary people, rather than kings and battles. You still need to understand things like wars and plagues and other big things that could affect everyday lives, but now it is only a background context, not the focus.

"I especially like women's history, where the role of women in society is studied. It's just starting to be taken seriously in academia. I am going for honors on my history degree, which means I need to write a thesis. I am doing mine on the rise of naturism in the 20's."

"Naturism?"

"Also called nudism. People who like to spend their free time naked, like we are now. There is actually a holiday for it now: Nude Day every year on July 14. I have gone to a big skinny dipping party at the old quarry for the last three celebrations of it.

"By the way, that was a very good question to ask. It got me talking about me. When you meet people at college this fall, it's always good to ask them about themselves, instead of just talking about yourself. It makes them feel valued."

"You and Mom keep talking about me being in college. Maybe I don't want to go to college. Maybe I just want to stay here and be with you."

I sulk for a minute, not even looking at Ellie.

"Jason, stop pouting and look at me. Thank you. We have a very unusual relationship, but I do not expect it to last forever. We are not going to get married or something. I am enjoying my time with you and I think you are enjoying your time with me. It is likely I will not even be here by the fall. If you can't live with that reality, I should probably take you home now."

I cross my arms and scowl, but I say, "I can live with it."

"Not good yet, but that is a little better. So what colleges have you applied to?"

"I applied to a few, including here, just in case I don't get in anywhere else. The three I am most interested in are Bowdoin, Harvey Mudd, and MIT."

"I really wanted to go to Bowdoin, but I didn't think I would get in, so I never applied. I still regret that. Never let your fear of failure keep you from trying, Jason. Always go for it. But Bowdoin seems so different than MIT. And I have never heard of Harvey Mudd."

"MIT is the obvious one. My dad went to Bowdoin, so that was always under consideration. Did you know that is where Hawkeye Pierce went?"

"Alan Alda?"

"No, the character. The guy who originally wrote M*A*S*H went to Bowdoin. I guess Hawkeye is roughly autobiographical. My dad liked to brag about that, since they were both pre-meds, although about a decade apart. My mom and I watch the show together every week. She often cries at the end, I think because we both associate it with Dad."

"Even I am going to watch it this week. They are having big watch parties on campus to watch the finale together. You would be welcome to come, but I think you should watch it with your mom."

"Yeah, I should. And I don't think you would be naked during it, so it wouldn't be nearly as much fun as this."

We both laugh.

"Oh, I have something serious I want to ask you. I am supposed to do a major essay for Adolescent Psych. I would like to write about our relationship. But only if that is okay with you."

"It feels a bit weird, but if you want to, sure. Does anyone other than your professor read it?"

"No, just him."

We sit awkwardly again for a few minutes, then she says, "I am going to make cocoa for myself, would you like one, too?"

I say, "Sounds good."

"I will make two, while you think of something else to ask me."

I just enjoy watching her move around. Her body is beautiful. She moves so gracefully.

Eventually she brings two mugs over and hands me one before sitting back down as she was.

"So, did you think of a question?"

"The only question I can think about right now is 'Are you going to have sex with me?'"

She laughs. "Well, that is direct. Sometimes that approach works, but not very often. Are we going to have sex today? Definitely not. We are not ready for that yet. Will we have sex before the end of the semester? I don't know. I am afraid today got your hopes up a bit too much. Although for all your worries, you haven't had a problem with an unwanted erection. And now here it comes, to make a liar out of me."

She laughs and I blush.

"It's okay. It means you think I am attractive and sexy. I want to feel that way, so I like that you think that."

"When you walk around like you were, I think you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I can't believe how beautiful you are."

"Flattery is a better strategy when you are trying to get into a woman's pants, mine included. Even if I am not wearing any at the moment. But it's still not happening today, Jason. Nice try."

"We can kiss when I drop you off. I don't trust your self control enough to kiss when we are naked. And I am not sure I trust my own self control if you started to push it."

We drink our hot chocolate and chitchat. Once we have finished the drinks, she gathers the cups and cleans up. I watch her move around again.

"Okay, time to get dressed and take you home. Are you going to ask me any sexual questions on the ride home today?"

I hadn't thought about that. I guess she was giving me a warning. She grabs her clothes, bringing them out to the main room; we get dressed in front of each other.

We walk down the steps out to her car. Once in the car, I ask, "Do I get to touch any part of you today?"

She looks at me with a bit of exasperation in her eyes. "I guess I did set a precedent, didn't I. Okay, you can pinch one of my nipples today. Through the shirt again."

I reach across, feeling her breast to find the nipple, which I pinch.

She winces, saying, "I think I will need to teach you how to treat a woman's breast appropriately. Do you have any real questions to ask me?"

"Your vagina got shinier at one point this afternoon. Is that what they mean by getting wet?"

"If you are going to use the clinical terms, use them correctly. My vagina is a tunnel, inside me. I am pretty sure you couldn't see that. The part you can see is my vulva, my lips or labia. Or you can say pussy, if you want.

"But yeah, I was getting wet when we were talking about having sex. If it makes you feel better, my body wanted to have sex today, just like yours did. And I wanted to have sex, just like you did. But I knew it was a bad idea right now.

"The wet is my body creating some lubricant in anticipation of sex. Not sure if you have ever noticed, before you actually ejaculate, you emit some lubricant too, commonly called pre-cum. Sometime, whether with me or with some other woman, you will get a chance to feel what a pussy feels like when the woman is eager to have sex with you. I like that feeling."

"Have you had sex with women before?"

"Not very often, but yes I have. It was okay, but not something I want to do all the time. I much prefer men."

I am still processing this new bit of information when we reach my house. She leans her face towards me, lips out. I lean towards you and kiss her. We kiss much longer this time. I so want to hold her, hug her while we kiss.

I am a bit giddy, but not nearly as dazed as I was on Tuesday. I am still a bit shell shocked by hearing that she is a lesbian. I had not expected that.

I am still sitting on the couch when my mom gets home. She is practically giddy herself. I ask her, "What's up tonight, Mom?"

"Simon, who asks me out regularly, asked me out again. And this time I said yes. I am going on a date Saturday night! Can you manage to feed yourself dinner that night or should I cook something for you before I go."

"I can feed myself," I say. "Go enjoy your date. Should I worry about making myself breakfast, too?"

She is already to get defensive when she sees I am laughing and she laughs with me.

"When did you get to be such a grown-up?"

"I think her name is Ellie."

"How did your meeting with her go today?"

"She was making me ask her questions. Then she would tell me why they were good or bad questions to use when I meet someone like I will this fall. And she was making me only look at her eyes again today. It is getting easier."

"Did she have another revealing blouse on today?"

"Well, umm"

I turn bright red.

"I already said, you have the right to keep secrets from me, but now I am dying of curiosity."

"She actually didn't have a blouse on at all."

"At the union?"

"No, today we went to her apartment instead."

"Was she wearing anything?"

I shake my head.

"Were you?"

I shake my head.

"But it was okay, Mom. We weren't allowed to touch each other at all. She said she likes being nude when she is not in public. She is doing her senior thesis in history on the development of the naturist movement. There is even a whole holiday for it and everything."

"She must have forgotten to mention that to me during our lunch."

"I will tell you what, Mom. I won't judge what you do on your date and you don't judge what I do with Ellie. She is trying to look out for me. She admitted today she wanted to have sex with me, but she doesn't think we are ready. She says we might not be ready before we need to break up at the end of the semester."

I can't believe I internalized her deadline that easily.

"You are right, Jason. I should trust Ellie's judgement. You may have too many hormones running around in you to make good choices. She seems like a good person who does care for you."

"Can I ask you a weird question, Mom?"

"I am not sure I can imagine what could be that much weirder than the conversation we are already having."

"Ellie told me she has had sex with women. I don't know why, but it kind of freaked me out. I was still thinking it through when you got home. It was the last thing she told me before we got here."

"Do you think she is going to stop seeing you because you are a man?"

I shake my head.

"Then why do you care? My guess is that she experimented with women. She apparently didn't decide to go with only women."

"No, she said she preferred men."

"Most of the other nurses are younger women. And we chat about everything. Many of them experimented while they were in college. A few decided it is what they want. Most move on. I think there are two things that drive so many to try. Our society sexualizes women so much that everyone feels obligated to be drawn to them. And so many men are complete shits to women. I think that is part of what Ellie is trying to do, teach you to be a good man.

"From what you said, I hope you realize that you and Ellie are not going to be a real item. That four years is too big right now. If you both were ten years older, I would be all for planning a wedding. But you aren't. And she understands that intellectually, even if she wishes it weren't true, just as much as I am sure you do. She is putting herself in an uncomfortable position to make you a happier person down the line and for the sake of whomever does end up in a relationship with you. She cares for you immensely to do this for you. Try to remember that when you undoubtedly get frustrated with what she does at some point."

We eat our dinner without discussing anything else related to either of our relationships.

Mom is going a little crazy Saturday afternoon. She is putting too much emotionally on this one date. I try to tell her there will be other dates, but I worry that she won't be able to cope with her feelings if this date doesn't go well.

I tell her she is beautiful. And she is. It is the first time I have seen her dress up or put any make up on since before Dad died. And I wasn't really noticing women in the same way back then. I barely was last month.

I am resting in bed when she comes home around midnight. I try not to eavesdrop, but I am pretty sure he gave her a serious kiss before he left. Once she is inside and I hear him drive off, I throw on my robe and scamper downstairs. She is sitting on the couch, looking the way I imagine I did Thursday evening after Ellie dropped me off.

She sees me come down, and says, "You are supposed to be in bed, honey."

"I can sleep in tomorrow. I thought you might need someone to talk to. You look like it went pretty well."

"It's been a long time since I went on a date, and even longer since I went on a first date. Over twenty years. It was weird. We are going out again in two weeks. You teased me about making your own breakfast, but he would have been happier bringing me home tomorrow than tonight."

"I would have been okay. If you wanted to, you should have."

"Times have changed, but when I was dating, you didn't sleep with someone on the first date. I am not sure Simon is the man I want to spend the next twenty five years with. I am not so desperate to have sex that I will sleep with anyone who will feed me a nice dinner and take me dancing. But it does a woman good to be wanted."

"Mom, have you been drinking?"

"We had wine with dinner and some cocktails at the club where we were dancing. I had fun tonight. It was probably ten years ago, maybe more, since your dad and I had a night out like this. I needed this."

"Can I get you anything? A glass of water or something?"

"You are a really sweet kid. No wonder Ellie is so hot for you. No, your real old mom will be fine. I think I am going to go to bed. You should too."

Around six in the morning, an odd noise wakes me up. As I gain awareness, I realize my mom is in her bathroom, throwing up. I stick my head in her room and call, "Are you alright, Mom?"

"I will be okay."

Then more puking.

I know I will not get back to sleep with her doing that, so I turn on my Atari. I have not been playing nearly as much the last two weeks. Everything seems to have changed since I met Ellie. When I think back at the me of two weeks ago, I feel like I was still a kid. I thought like a kid and I acted like a kid. I am not quite ready to be a full grownup yet, but I don't feel like a kid anymore. But playing some PacMan is fun and it distracts me from the suffering going on in the next room.

She finally seems to have stopped and I hear the shower come on. She takes a long shower, but finally I hear the water stop. I give her a few minutes and call in through the bedroom door. "You okay now, Mom? Can I get you anything?"

"Go back to sleep, dear. Thanks for worrying about me, but I will be fine."

This time I do manage to get back to sleep and I sleep in quite late. When I wake up, I realize I feel kind of grungy. I haven't had a shower in three days and I am getting used to not being scuzzy.

When I get downstairs, my mom is not there. And I see no evidence that she has been up. I go back upstairs and she is still asleep in bed. I guess everything last night overwhelmed her. I go back down and scramble some eggs for myself. That much I can cook.

I finally hear Mom stirring and I go back into the kitchen to start her coffee. I decide I will cook her breakfast today. She staggers down, still in her bathrobe.

"Did you start the coffee for me? You are the best son ever!"

"I was planning on making you breakfast, too!"

"I appreciate the sentiment, but food and I are not quite on speaking terms at the moment. I guess I did drink more than I should have last night."

We sit at the kitchen table together while she drinks her coffee.

Finally, I ask her, "Was Simon trying to get you drunk last night so he could get in your pants?"

"First off, I don't particularly like that phrase. I guess 'take advantage of me' is what I would say. And I really hope not. That is an awful thing for a man to do. Although you are right that some men will do it.

"I thought we were just having a good time last night, but I will watch for this next time. If I notice he is encouraging me to drink, I will cut the night short and not see him again. To be honest, if you weren't home last night, I probably would have let him have his way with me. And regretted it this morning. Speaking of regret, can you find me a couple of Advils?"

We had a quiet rest of the day. Even if Mom felt lousy, I felt really good about myself. I had helped my mom for a change. And I felt like we were having grown up conversations, not just kid and mom conversations. I like thinking of myself as an adult.

The next night is the much ballyhooed M*A*S*H finale. We just order pizza so Mom can relax before the show. About two thirds the way through it, Mom starts crying. It starts as the little sniffles she usually has, but it got much stronger. After a few minutes, I offer her a hug and she collapses against my chest sobbing. The show ends well before she has recovered.

"Thank you, Jason. I needed that. You are such a good son. I am sorry if I ruined watching it for you."

"That's fine, Mom. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, maybe better than I have been in a long time. We should both go to bed. Sleep well."

"You too, Mom."

We have our usual hurried weekday morning and nothing is said about the crying.

All through the day, I am still trying to piece together the last three days. When I get close to the union on Tuesday, I see Ellie standing in front of the entrance. I walk up to her, she gives me a peck on the lips and we walk towards her car.

"Would it be easier if I just came to the car?"

"Not really. the union is on the way from the library to the parking lot anyway. I work in the library until it is time for your class to end. If you ever get out early, you can walk over to the library. I will be working at one of the tables on the first floor."

As we get to the car, she asks, "Did you like the finale last night?"

I guess she isn't making me go first today.

"I kind of missed the ending of it. From what I did see and what I heard people saying at school, I know what happened. Can we talk about my mom for a while?"

"Of course we can. I really like your mom. But as part of your education, I have to tell you that talking about your mom is about as non-sexy of a topic as I can imagine."

I explain to her how giddy she was coming home Thursday. And how nervous she was getting ready for her date. And being pretty drunk when she got home.

By this point, we are in Ellie's apartment and she is taking off her clothes. I follow suit. I guess talking about your mom puking in the wee hours of the morning is anti-sexy enough that we could get undressed in front of each other.

"I finally asked her that morning if she thought Simon got her drunk just to try to get in her pants. She said I should say 'to take advantage of her'"

"Yeah, she's right that that is a more acceptable phrasing. And I am glad you thought about that. Did she think he was?"

"She said at the time, she thought they were just having fun. But they have another date in eleven days. She will watch for him trying to get her drunk. If she thinks he is, she will cut the date short and not see him again. She says that is an awful thing for a man to do."

"She is right. I am pretty sure you would never do that, but if you hear any of your friends talk about it, stand up to them, tell them it is wrong."

"The weird thing was her crying last night during M*A*S*H."

"Didn't you say she always cries during M*A*S*H? Because it reminds both of you of your dad, right?"

"Yeah, but those are just sniffles and a few tears. Last night, she ended up with her head buried in my chest sobbing for almost an hour. It's why I only kind of saw the ending."

"I can make a guess as to why, but you should ask her. You two seem to talk about everything pretty well."

"I will, but what's your guess?"

"Well, she just had her first date since your dad died, which is a huge milestone for her. At almost the same time, a major association with him ends. I suspect that was a last bit of mourning for your father before she moves on with her life."

"After she finished crying, she did say she felt better than she has in a long time. That all kind of makes sense, thank you. How was your weekend?"

"We really are hitting all the no-nos in a conversation like this, aren't we. I had my first romantic date in a while, with a guy named Kevin. We have been getting to be friends all semester. We have had some pseudo-dates, but he took me out to dinner Saturday night. It was nice."

"Did you have sex with him?"

She nods her head.

"Did he get you drunk first?"

"I did have wine with dinner, but I had decided I wanted to sleep with him when I was still sober enough to make a good decision, so I don't have any problem with it."

"But you said you wanted to have sex with me on Thursday and you stopped yourself. Maybe you would have stopped yourself Saturday if you hadn't had the wine."

"I'm sorry, Jason. You are correct in some way. But I think you know inside of you what the difference is. But this is not a discussion I want to have today. We can if you really want to, but I was planning on something more than just talking today, if you would rather do that."

"I would rather do that, but I am in kind of a weird mood so I don't know what I want right now. I guess I am more jealous than anything else."

"Just think about that we are here together right now. I have an idea to break that weird mood and bring you back into the moment. But you have to behave. I am going to give you a hug, but your hands stay on my back, above my waist, okay?"

I nod my head.

She comes over and we hug. Feeling her naked breasts pressed against my chest is heavenly. I have my hands on her naked back, feeling her skin. I am getting a boner and I can feel it pushing against her belly.

Then she kisses me. Deeply, passionately. I want all of her so badly at this moment. And then she breaks the kiss and steps back.

"Ready to do something else fun now?"

I am in a daze. I just nod distractedly. For the first time since we got here, I am staring at her body, my eyes full of lust. I am hoping we are going to have sex today. I am certainly ready.

"The first thing I want to do is give you a little better understanding of the geography. After Thursday, I realized you need to understand a woman's body more intimately before you can do anything else.

"I am going to lie back on the couch. I want you to kneel just in front of me. Close enough that you can get a good look. But you have to promise me not to touch. Or kiss or anything. Understood?"

I nod my head. She sits down on the couch and spreads her legs as wide open as she can. I kneel down between her legs.

"I think you want to be closer than that."

I lean my head down so my face is less than a foot from her crotch.

"This whole area is my pussy. There are other, uglier terms for it, but I will stick with pussy. A few women I know shave it, but most don't and I like mine natural."

She reaches her hands down and opens her pussy up.

"The very outside edges are the outer lips or labia. You can see the inner lips all through here. The opening down here is the vagina. I don't think that's what you saw getting wet Thursday, was it?"


I shake my head no. This is beautiful and intricate and amazing. And wonderful.

"All the outer area out here, the inner and outer labia is called the vulva. But if you are having sex with a woman, don't ever say vulva or vagina. Say pussy or lips or something less clinical sounding.

"Each women's pussy looks very different. Much more different than say faces. I haven't seen many up close like you are looking now, but from the bits I have seen, the range is amazing. They can be open or closed. Some women have very long thin inner lips that stick out between the outer lips. Each one is beautiful in its own way.

"This little button up here is my clit. I guess they can vary in shape and size, too, but you have to be very intimate with a woman to see her clit. I have only seen two others and they weren't all that different from mine.

"It is very sensitive. When you touch one, just very gently run your finger across it, like this."

She lightly runs her middle finger across her clit and I can see her shudder a bit.

"Even better is to use your tongue, but I can't show you that. And we are not ready for you to do that to me. Yet."

I like the yet word again.

"You can see I am starting to get wet. Mostly it's me showing myself off to you, but even that one touch moved me past pure emotional interest. Can you see how shiny I am becoming?"

I nod my head.

"I know I said you couldn't touch, but give me your hand for a moment."

I reach my hand out and she pulls my index finger forward and guides it through a fold on the side of her pussy. She sighs as I touch her. She then pushes my hand back.

"Do you feel how slippery that wet is. If you think you are close to having sex with a woman and her pussy is dry, not slippery and wet, slow down and give her some more encouragement, like licking her clit.

"Oh, I should show you the asshole, too."

She lifts her hips up.

"That other hole down there is the anus or asshole. Some women like guys to touch it. I guess a few even like to be fucked there. I don't like anyone touching mine. Don't ever try touching a woman's anus unless you know her really well and you ask first. Big rule. No anal without talking about it. Understand?"

I nod again.

"I am pretty worked up right now, but we should not be having sex today. Would you like to watch me masturbate?"

I nod enthusiastically.

"You can masturbate while I am if you really need to, but I would rather you wait until I am done. Both so I can watch you and I feel like I have your complete attention when I am masturbating.

"I have extra lubrication in my vagina, so I will reach a few fingers in to make them more slippery."

I can see her slide two fingers into herself. I want to stick something in there. Even fingers would be amazing. I watch her fingers come out shiny.

She slowly runs her fingers around her clit, occasionally passing over top. Her breathing is becoming more ragged. Her pace is picking up when she starts to whimper. I pull my gaze away from her pussy to look at her face. She looks so intense. Her eyes are closed.

Then suddenly she exhales a loud "OOH" and kind of closes up her whole body suddenly. Her face almost looks in pain. I glance back down at her pussy and her vagina is spasming closed.

Her whole body is quaking and trembling. And then she relaxes. She opens her eyes and has a small contented smile.

"That felt good. Did you enjoy watching me?"

I nod my head vigorously.

"Your turn now."

I start stroking my cock. I am so horny, I know it will not take long. A minute later, I am shooting white goo in a high arc. Some of it lands on her tummy, some in her pussy hair.

"I am sorry about that. It doesn't usually shoot that far."

My own voice surprises me. It is the first time I have spoken since before the hug.

She is laughing. "It's okay. And I am easier to clean up than the floor is. Why don't you go grab some toilet paper in the bathroom and bring it here so I can wipe myself off."

I bring her back a big wad. She easily wipes off her belly and mostly gets the goo out of her hair.

"That will have to do until I take a shower in the morning. Would you like another cocoa today."

"That would be great."

I turn and watch her move around making the cocoa. I think I love watching her move even more today. We sit on the floor cross legged to drink our cocoa and chat casually. A little while after we have finished, she cleans up from the cocoa and then we both get dressed and walk out to her car.

"Instead of touching you somewhere today, can I get another hug? Before we get in the car, I mean, I really liked the other one. This one won't be as nice being clothed, but I would still like it."

"Hands still stay on my back," she says and wraps her arms around me.

I hold onto her. Feeling her pressed against me, even clothed, is wonderful. After a minute, she breaks off the hug and we get in the car.

"So any questions for me today?"

"I kind of expected women to masturbate by putting something in and out of their vagina. You said last week that you masturbated by touching your clit, but I guessed it was in addition to something in your vagina. Do you not like something in you?"

"That's a good question and one I wish more men would consider. Having something in me, whether it is a penis or a dildo, feels generally good. And sometimes I do use a dildo, too. Most of the time, just a finger on my clit like you just watched. It feels good to have something in me during the orgasm, -"

"I saw your vagina spasming, like it wanted to squeeze something that wasn't there."

"That's a pretty good description, actually. But penetration alone will never get me off, at least it hasn't yet. Not unless I am just about there anyway. I need some clitoral contact. Sometimes I get off before we have sex, and just enjoy the sex without an orgasm. Better lovers will reach their hand down during intercourse. Or sometimes I will reach my own hand down. If I sleep with someone who doesn't get me off, I probably won't sleep with them again unless I really like them. But I will tell them before we do it again and make sure they understand. I really want sex to be enjoyable for both of us, not just the guy."

"That sounds like a good lesson for me to remember."

"A very good one to remember."

She gives me another kiss before I get out of the car. Not as passionate as the one with the hug, but I thought I could sense a lot of feeling behind it.

I go up to my room to play something on the Atari, but nothing sounds that appealing. I have too many emotions bubbling around in me. I am still worried about Mom. And queasy with jealousy over Kevin having sex with her. But the rest of the late afternoon was the best time I have ever had in my life. And that mostly trumps the other two.

I decide to write all this down. I find an empty notebook and I start writing what happened, what I am feeling, my hopes. I am still writing when I hear my mom get home. I run down to greet her.

"How are you doing today, Mom. I mean are you okay after last night?"

"I am actually good. Probably more relaxed than I have been in years."

"Ellie guessed that your crying was the final mourning for Dad, M*A*S*H ending and your first date both kind of brought that part of your life to a closure."

"I will still miss him everyday, probably for the rest of my life. But, yeah, that is a pretty good guess. I didn't expect you to talk about me."

"She says she likes you. And she also told me that talking to a woman about you is not a good strategy for trying to seduce them."

She laughs and says, "She is definitely right. Did you have a good time with her?"

"Yeah I really did. Although she told me she has a boyfriend now, and that made me pretty jealous."

"I expect it did. But you got over it, I take it."

"Yeah, she came over and hugged me and gave me a kiss. I really liked that. And then -"

I see my mother looking a little squeamish.

"Would you rather not hear about this?"

"Part of me doesn't want to hear it, but that is the part of me that insists you are still a little boy that needs to hold my hand to cross the road. But now that you have started, you better tell me. And that part of me can go to hell. I am trying really hard to think of you as an adult now. The way you dealt with me this weekend really brought that home. Thank you again for that."

"Well I messed up last week, calling her vulva her vagina. So she said she wanted to make sure I understood all the parts. So she showed me everything up close. I wasn't supposed to touch her at all, but she had me feel her lubrication to know what it felt like. I think she wants to teach me how to be a good lover. She told me lots of stuff to do and not do."

"And you stopped there?"

"Well, she masturbated as I watched and then I masturbated for her. I shot way up -"

"And that is more details than I want to hear. But you stopped with just masturbating?"

"Yeah, she made us cocoa, and then we just chatted for a while before we got dressed and she brought me home."

"Are you okay with what happened?"

"I want to have sex with her so badly, but I don't know if she is going to let us do that or not. She kind of implied that we will eventually do more than we did today. I just don't know when or how much. But today was wonderful. I decided to start a journal about everything that is going on. I was so full of emotions when I came home, between worrying about you, and jealousy of Kevin and how wonderful the rest of the time was. I had to just write it all down."

"The journal is a good idea. I wish I had a journal of when I was first dating, when I first met your father. I wasn't sure about him. I thought he was so handsome. But I thought he was arrogant then."

"I loved Dad, but he was arrogant."

She laughs and gives me a hug.

When I get home from the comic book store on Wednesday, I write another journal entry. This one is much shorter. Mostly my thoughts about her, and wondering about what will happen tomorrow with her.

On Thursday, she is waiting for me near the entrance to the union as usual. She gives me a hug and then a quick peck on the lips before we walk to her car together.

In the car, I ask her, "Do you have another date with Kevin this weekend?"

"Yes, Saturday night again."

"Do you think you will have sex with him again?"

"Yes, I probably will. Maybe multiple times."

I sit quietly the rest of the short drive.

I finally talk again when we get to the apartment, before we have even started to take our clothes off again.

"Are you cheating on him with me?"

"I don't consider it cheating; I don't think Kevin and I are exclusive yet."

"Would you be okay if you knew he was having sex with another woman right now?"

"Probably not happy about it, to be honest. Let's not talk about this today. I want to enjoy whatever time we have together."

We stand quietly for a moment.

"Would you like to watch me get undressed today?" she asks, "You kind of saw me undress Tuesday, but we were having a very non-sexual conversation at the time. I think I would like you to watch me. And then I can watch you. And then I have something more planned. Just to keep your expectations realistic, still no sex. But touching."

My heart is now racing as I watch her take off her clothes piece by piece. She is definitely right, this is far more erotic than simply seeing her walk in naked. She is not intentionally teasing me, but I can see why the old term is strip tease.

She now looks at me and I take my clothes off as quickly as I can. She seems to like being watched. It just embarrasses me.

"Before we go any further, let's get a nice naked hug in to get the feelings really going."

I think my feelings are going full blast already, but she might need some more warm up. I think she feels a bit guilty about us. I need not to bring up Kevin anymore.

We hug for a while before she kisses me, passionately again, yearning for something more. I love the feeling of the embrace, the desire in the kiss. She finally steps back, but only a foot or so.

"We are going to start standing up. I want you to gently caress my breasts."

I reach up with both hands, grab a breast in each, and squeeze them.

"STOP! You aren't caressing me, you are mauling me. Let's try this again. Start with just gently gliding your hands over my breasts. Don't try to squeeze at all. Build up to more aggressive fondling."

I bring my hands back up and try to gently glide over her breasts, barely touching them.

"That's a better start. Now bring your fingers down around my breast, so they all gently touch my skin. Still no squeezing, just gently touch.

"Much better. Now just worry about one hand. Slowly move it. You can try rotating your hand or pulling your fingers together as you come out towards the nipple. Or just kind of rub back and forth.

"There, that feels nice to me. It is starting to make me wet. Swap to the other breast now. Mmmm. Now bring one or two fingers and a thumb and gently pull on the nipple. That's right. That feels good. Now gently pinch the nipple.

"Now bring your mouth down and kiss the nipple. Leave your hand on the breast. Now lick your tongue around it and then kiss it again. That's feeling very good. Now gently bite it. Just barely put your teeth onto it. You can suck on it for a moment if you want to.

"That's probably enough of that for now. Did you get a feel for how gently to start?"

I nod my head.

"Once you have started and the woman is reacting positively, you can become more forceful, more aggressive. But always pay attention. Almost no one will give you detailed directions on what to do like I just did. You have to listen to how they react, their breathing, their facial expressions, muscles tensing. I am not sure how to teach you how to listen yet."

"I did hear the change in your breathing, feel you tensing up sometimes."

"That's a good start. Listening to your partner and caring about her satisfaction are the biggest steps in being a good lover. But I think you are too eager right now to move any farther forward with you touching me. So I want you to sit down on the couch. Try to see when I change what I am doing. Pay attention, as much as you can, before you just get lost in the sensations."

I sit down on the couch, eagerly anticipating what is coming next, unsure what it will be.

She leans down to kiss me and I run my hands gently down each side.

"That felt very good and was well done," she says, "But for now, I want you to sit back and just receive. And learn."

She traces her fingers around my chest. I am shocked by how good it feels. And I notice how light the touch is, almost imperceptible, but a touch that gives amazing sensations. I suck in my breath hard as her fingers cross my nipples. I never knew men's nipples were sensitive like this. God this feels good. I so much want to grab her and pull her onto my lap and put my penis into her.

She leans down and kisses a nipple. Then she bites it. Harder than I would have guessed she would. It stung, but I felt like I was about to come when she did it.

She pulls away and I wonder if that was the end of my turn on the receiving end. But she slides her fingers down my abdomen. Somewhere below my belly button she hits a spot that is sensitive and I almost jump out of my skin.

She giggles a bit, saying "Sensitive there are you? I will have to remember that."

She brings her fingers further down, but moves to either side of my crotch, running her fingers along the top of each thigh. She brings her fingernails up the inside of my thighs. She brings one up along the back of my erect penis. I am about to explode.

She leans over and runs her tongue the entire way around the head of my penis. I moan. I have never experienced anything that felt so good in my life. She now takes her tongue and licks up the underside of my erection. I might as well be dead and in heaven. I had no idea anything could feel this amazing.

Then she takes her mouth over the tip and almost all the way down before coming back up, but not off. Her mouth now barely over me at all, her tongue teases the tip again before her mouth descends and returns up to the top.

She brings a hand below her mouth and wraps it around my penis. It moves down in unison with her mouth, a little more quickly now. One more time down and up.

On the third time down since she added her hand, I explode into her mouth. I just keep sending more and more and she coughs and chokes a bit. But I keep shooting more and more, and she pulls off and much of my load comes spilling out.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. A little annoyed with myself for not being able to swallow it all. But you caught me a bit by surprise. It is considered polite to warn the woman when you are about to come."

"Sorry. That felt so good. I didn't know I could come that quickly."

"I didn't think you would either. I would have slowed things down a little bit."

"Do you always try to swallow it all?"

"Usually, yes. A lot of women won't. They can get really upset if you don't warn them. Some will want you to come on their face. I have to admit that doesn't do much for me. But some guys and some women like it. I think most don't want to be anywhere near the firehose when it goes off."

"Thank you. That felt better than anything else I have ever experienced. Way better. I did not know anything could feel that good."

"Sex can be really, really nice for both of us when it works. So, congratulations on receiving your first blowjob. Do you think you are ready to return the favor."

"You mean you want me to lick your clit?"

"That is exactly what I mean. And to touch it with your fingers. And some other places in my pussy. I want you to make me come now. It will be a little more work for you. You were so excited it was easy for me. Of course my job was a little messier at the end.

"Let me lean back on the couch and you kneel between my legs. I will mostly give you very explicit instructions to start with, kind of like earlier. But I want you to take over on your own after a bit, so I can lay back and enjoy it without thinking too much. Do you think you can do that?"

"I will try. I sure hope so."

She sits on the couch, much like she did on Tuesday, and I kneel between her legs again.

"Take both hands and spread my lips, somewhat like I did Tuesday. Take a good look now, because you can't really see once you are licking and I want you to know where the important parts are. Without having to look again.

"Okay now lick all around the clit, but don't get too close. Yeah, like that. That feels good. Now cross your tongue across the clit."

She shudders when I do.

"You definitely know where my clit is. Okay, lick it a few times and then lean back for a moment."

It takes her a moment to say something else after I lean back.

"Now slide your middle finger into my vagina. Yeah like that. Now swirl it around a bit. Feel how wet and slippery I am. If I am not excited, that can feel dry and a bit rough. Now run that finger around my clit for a moment. Gently, like that, good.

"Now back to your tongue, A little more slowly. And try different patterns. Circle around my clit sometimes and go back and forth others. And at different angles. When you feel me getting excited, you can speed up some. But not too fast.

"Oh god, this is feeling good. Now slide your middle finger and your index finger into my vagina. Keep them together, but slide them in and out. More slowly. That's good. And keep up with the tongue. I am going to just lie back and enjoy this for a while. Don't change much, but just speed up a little bit as I get more excited."

I wonder how I am going to know, but I hope I can figure that out. Her breathing is becoming heavier. I speed up just a little bit. She starts to whimper and I speed up a little more. Her whimpers have morphed into moans, each a little beg for release. I speed up more. She yelps and I stop, worrying I have done something wrong.

"DO NOT STOP!"

I go back to licking her clit as quickly as I can. She is pushing my head into her pussy with both hands as I feel all of her tense up. Her thighs are squeezing my head. Several seconds later, everything relaxes. I am afraid to stop, so I keep going.

She pushes my head away, saying, "That's enough. Stop. Stop!"

I pull back and feel very happy. I gave her an orgasm. I gave Ellie an orgasm. It makes me feel good.

"You did well with that. If you do that regularly with all your lovers, they will have few, if any, complaints. But a few tips to be even better. You can push a little harder with your tongue near the end. And I think you got the message not to stop until after I have finished my orgasm. But stop any direct contact with my clit as soon as I stop. It gets uncomfortably sensitive right after. You can shift away and lick near the clit for a while, kind of as a cooldown. It feels nice when a guy does that. Or if you are going to have sex, go straight into sex after just a moment of recovery.

"But you were good. You should be proud of yourself. Women talk amongst ourselves about who is good in bed. Do that consistently, and you will have a lot of women interested in you, hoping to have sex with you.

"I would like to snuggle for a few minutes. I always like that after any kind of sex. I will lie down now and you can lie up against me. But no funny business. You can put your hands on my hips or my back."

She does lie down on the couch and I squeeze in against her. It does feel nice now. I feel closer to her than I ever have to anyone. My dick is back to being fully erect, poking her in the belly again. And then the thought of Kevin pops into my head and the moment is spoiled for me.

I don't know whether she sensed my mood shift or she was ready on her own, but she sits up and asks if I would like a cocoa again. I say yes and watch her as she glides across the room. I stay sitting on the couch and she sits next to me this time. We sit and sip our drinks and chat. I am more contented than I ever have been in my life.

We get dressed and she drives me home. I am too contented to even ask her any questions. But she seems kind of anxious. I don't like that.

Lots to write about in my journal when I get home. I go down to see Mom when she gets home. She seems happy and relaxed.

"You seemed to have had a good day at work."

"It was a good day. No real crises. And I really am more at peace with myself than I have been, maybe ever. It helps that another man, Franklin, asked me out on a date today. I haven't said yes yet. I may push him off until I see how my second date with Simon goes. But it really feels nice to be wanted. I think I worried I was real old, to use your term, and no one would want me. How was your time with Ellie? They hardly qualify as meetings now."

"It was really good."

"Do you want to tell me about it."

"I wrote about it in my journal but I would still love to tell someone. Do you really want to hear?"

"I still need to be a parent, but not very often any more. Otherwise, we seem like we are becoming more friends who can confide in each other. So what happened?"

"She gave me a blowjob and I licked her pussy. She said I was good at it and women would want to have sex with me if I kept doing it."

She blushes.

"I did tell you to say it, I just didn't expect you to blurt it out quite like that. But I am sure it was a nice thing to hear her say. And she is probably right about the second half if she is right about the first. And I think she is the one who would know right now."

I am giggling a little bit and she looks at me quizzically.

"Sorry, the way you said you didn't expect me to blurt it out reminded me of what she said when I came in her mouth - "

"And that is definitely more than I want to hear."

"Sorry, Mom."

When I get home from work on Saturday, Mom is waiting for me. She looks disappointed. She hands me an envelope, saying, "This came in the mail for you today."

"It is from Harvey Mudd. I am on their waiting list. Oh well. I am getting to be comfortable at State anyway."

Then she breaks into a big wide grin and pulls two large envelopes from behind her back. "These came today, too. You might want to open them before you commit to State."

One is from MIT and one is from Bowdoin. They are both acceptance letters. Fancy looking ones that weren't even folded.

"I got into both! Oh my god. Now I have to decide where I will go. Where do you think I should go? Ellie can help me decide on Tuesday. I don't know what to do."

"Just relax and think about it. Talking to Ellie probably makes sense. You might also want to talk to your math professor. We should go out for dinner tonight for a change and to celebrate. Do you have a favorite restaurant?"

"How about Pepi's?"

"We could do fancier than that, you know. We are not in bad shape money wise, at least until we have to start paying for your college. Did they say anything in your letters about financial aid?"

"I like Pepi's. There was a sheet in each explaining the money and timing for replying and stuff. I didn't look at those carefully. Do you want to see them?"

"Yes, but not tonight. We can find a way to make it work no matter what. We still have a lot of the money we got from your father's death. I set that aside just for your college. Choose where ever you want to go and the money can be made to work."

We have a fun dinner out. Mom and I have not had many dinners out since Dad died. She has always been careful saving up money. I guess for my college. I write another long entry in my journal.

On Monday, I stop by my guidance counselor to talk to him briefly about the colleges. He is really excited to hear I got into both. He leans towards me going to MIT, but says I should do what feels right to me.

On Tuesday, I talk to my math professor briefly before class. He says he doesn't have time before class to talk about it, but he can talk for a few minutes after class. Afterwards, he seems to want to chat and I say I am meeting someone, so I can't talk for long. He says they would both be good choices, but he would lean towards Bowdoin. He says they have a good math department. Not as good as MIT's, but he thinks I would be happier there.

I race over to meet Ellie. She is looking a little impatient. I explain that I had to talk to my professor for a few minutes after class. I explain about getting into both colleges as we walk to her car.

"You want my opinion about what to do, I take it."

"More than anyone else's. I trust you."

"Well, if you want to be serious about your math, you are going to grad school and your professor says Bowdoin has a good math department, so I think you will get into a good grad program either way. So choose where you will get the best general education you can. So Bowdoin. But make sure it's what you want to do."

"Bowdoin seemed friendlier when I went to visit last summer with my Mom, so I was probably leaning there anyway. And I like the smaller school and not being right downtown in a big city. So I think you are right."

I am feeling good in general and very excited to find out what Ellie has planned for today. Every single afternoon has gotten better than the last. When we get in her apartment, I ask "What do you have planned for today?"

"No how was your weekend? Or anything? Just can I get into your pants today. Not sure I like that."

"I am excited for what you are planning. Even if it is not sex. To be honest, I am not sure I can handle hearing what happened this weekend. And I thought that talking about it made you uncomfortable last week."

"Fair enough. And I am glad you are thinking that way for your last thoughts. I would prefer not to mix the two worlds right now. Yes, I think we are ready to have sex today. Did you bring a condom?"

My emotions have swung from concern to elation to despair in mere seconds. I am about ready to cry.

"I take that to be a no. Fortunately, I have one. But this is the last time I will provide one for you. That is one of your responsibilities. If you are old enough to have sex, you are old enough to provide condoms. You do not want to get a woman pregnant. So always have them if there is even the faintest chance the you will end up in bed with someone. They also protect you from some nasty diseases, so they are a good idea until you both have been exclusive to each other for a while."

"Thank you," I say meekly.

"And it's a good thing I am willing to handle it today, because I am not sure I have any willpower left to keep you out of my bed. And yes, we are going into my bedroom today. Sex on a couch is not particularly comfortable. On the floor is worse. I even picked up my room this morning in anticipation."

She opens her bedroom door and I go in for the first time. The door had always been shut, maybe because it was always a mess. It seems fine now.

"You need to remember everything you learned last week. I will give you guidance if something is going wrong in the prelims. And I will talk you through starting the sex right before we do. I will be able to enjoy it much more if it can just live in the moment other than that. I will give you tips afterwards for things that could have made it even better."

I start to unbutton my shirt when she stops me, saying, "I want each of us to take the other's clothes off. That is much nicer. We will take turns. And we will each get the other off orally before we have sex. I don't think you would last long without that pre-release and I want to make sure I get off just in case the sex doesn't go well enough for me to get off there. I guess we can take off our own socks and shoes and then sit on the bed together."

I reach down and take off my sneakers and my socks, setting them down in the corner. She has taken hers off but kind of tossed them away. I sit down on the edge of the bed and she sits beside me. We turn towards each other and kiss. While we are kissing, she starts to unbutton my shirt. I am not sure what to do with my hands and put them on her hips. She breaks the kiss momentarily, to tell me that I can rub her breasts gently, through her shirt.

I do that for a moment until she has the last button undone and she pushes my arms back to get the shirt off me. It is a little awkward, but soon I am sitting bare chested next to her. She pushes me onto my back and leans over me.

She traces her fingers around my chest, like she did last week. I reach up between her arms and gently fondle her breasts through her shirt. She leans further over, kissing, biting, and sucking on my nipples, first one then the other. I no longer have access to her breasts and just lay my arms back.

She sits back up and says "Your turn."

I sit up next to her again and kiss her. As I do, I reach down and grab the bottom of her shirt, which doesn't have buttons and must be pulled over her head. When I have raised it up to her armpits I break the kiss and she puts her arms over her head. I lift the shirt the rest of the way off and drop it beside her on the bed.

I am back to kissing her while my right hand starts to massage her left breast. I become a bit more aggressive in my fingering of her nipple and she is starting to moan a bit on each pinch. I break off the kiss again, this time bringing my mouth down to her left nipple while my left hand starts in on her right breast.

Her moans are more constant now and becoming louder. I am pretty sure she is enjoying my treatment. I shift my mouth to her left breast. After a moment, I slide my right hand from her breast down her abdomen. I drag my fingers lightly across her lower abdomen, just above the top of her pants. She shudders as I do.

I sit back and say, "Your turn."

She lays me back again and then turns me so my legs are towards her. She unfastens my pants. I lift my hips as she slides them off and tosses them on the floor.

She now leans over and licks the underside of my fully erect penis. Like last time, she teases the head of my dick with her tongue before engulfing all of me in her mouth. After a few passes up and down my shaft, she returns to lick the underside, starting another cycle of the same actions. I am moaning loudly before she finishes the first rotation of activities.

After several times through the same three actions, her mouth stays on me and she adds her hand to stroking me. It takes about a half dozen roundtrips today before I start to say "I am com-" and immediately erupt into her mouth. Today, she does manage to keep it all and swallow.

She licks me clean and lies backwards, saying, "Your turn."

I roll over onto all fours and crawl up past her legs and give her a kiss. I want to tell her I love her, but I know that is a bad idea. I crawl back down to her midsection and unfasten her pants and push them down as she raises her hips, dragging her panty with them. I just drop them on the floor beside the bed.

I crawl between her legs and lie on my stomach with my head raised. I reach both hands to pull her pussy open. It is notably wetter than it was last week. I guess she really is excited to be finally having sex with me. I lick one side of her pussy, one stroke from the bottom up, and then I do the same for the other, never coming near her clit. I take one more stroke of my tongue, now straight up the middle. I pause at the beginning to poke my tongue partway into her vagina before proceeding up. She moans as my tongue crosses her most sensitive spot.

I now make a circle around her clit with my tongue, never actually touching. At least not until I draw my tongue all the way across the middle. That gets another moan, louder this time. I now trace the outer circle the other way around before returning back across the clit.

I work diligently on her clit with my tongue. Shortly after, I push two fingers into her vagina. She is becoming seriously excited and I speed up my attentions to her clit. Based on last week, I think she is close to her climax, so I shift into the most stimulation I can give her.

And she does come. Based on noise and motion, more strongly than she did last week. I maintain my machinations on full until she starts calming down when I pull my fingers out and shift my tongue away from her clit, making large circles around instead.

She says "mmmm" and then "Come up here, Jason."

I crawl up beside her and lie down against her. We kiss and she hugs me tightly.

"That was very nice. Let's see if we can make our turn even nicer. Let me control everything."

She rolls me onto my back. She leans over and pulls a small package out of her night table. Ripping it open, she takes out a condom and rolls it onto my dick. Finally, she straddles me at my midsection, facing me. She reaches between her legs, grabbing my erect penis and guides it into her vagina. She slowly lowers herself onto me, until I am fully inside her.

As good as her oral attentions felt, this is even better. I so want to thrust in and out of her, but she said she wanted to control the pace, so I concentrate and hold still.

She puts a hand just outside each shoulder and leans forward. She gives me a quick peck on the lips and then lifts her head a bit. She rocks her hips on and off me, never completely releasing my dick from her control. God this feels good.

She says, "Jason, you can play with my breasts while we are in this position."

I reach up and fondle her breasts and pinch her nipples.

"You can be a little rougher now."

I am pinching and squeezing more forcefully.

This slow pace lasts for several minutes, but I am not going to last that much longer. I think she realizes and reaches a hand down into her pussy, I assume to rub her clit. A moment later her pace has increased significantly. I can no longer control myself and start thrusting up into her as I erupt into the condom.

As I start to recover, I watch her face as she climaxes. I can feel the muscles in her vagina squeezing my erection, finally finding its desire after she was empty her last three orgasms. Or rather, her last three orgasms I was present for. A momentary shadow falls over me as I think about Kevin having sex with her. Multiple times this weekend, she had expected.

She collapses on me and then gives me a kiss, before collapsing back down. She says, "That was wonderful. You were wonderful. Thank you."

"As good as Kevin?"

I immediately regret saying it. But it is too late.

She slaps me across the cheek and screams at me to get out, pointing at the door. I rush out of the room and she slams the door behind me.

I can hear her crying, sobbing on the other side of the door. I call out through the door that I am sorry, but I get no response, just continued sobs. I decide all I can do is wait out here; if nothing else, she has all my clothes in there.

After about fifteen minutes the crying fades. Another five or ten minutes later, I hear motion and then the door suddenly opens. She throws my clothes at me and says, "Get dressed. I need to take you home."

"I am so sorry Ellie. I know that was a stupid thing to say. It just popped out."

"Yes, it was a very stupid thing to say. Even worse than telling me you love me, which I know you almost did."

"Are we done? Did I just blow this?"

"Ten minutes ago, I would have said yes to that. But I have not been fair to you. Or Kevin. Or me. This is a bad situation I have put us in. And the most obvious answer is to stop seeing you.

"But fortunately for you, I don't want to give you up yet. I like our time together. A lot. And you really were good in there today. If you had sucked, this would have been much easier.

"I know how jealous you have to be about Kevin. When I started this with you, I wasn't sure it would go this far. And I didn't expect to have a serious boyfriend. I haven't had one in almost a year. But we are in this situation. And I do feel like I am cheating on Kevin, even if we haven't formally said we are exclusive. We act as if we are. Except I am fucking you. Behind his back. That is what really stung in those words, and you didn't know how torn I am about this.

"But don't ever ask me to compare the two of you. You are different to me. Special in very different ways. But I am not ready to settle down with you. But I think I will soon, with Kevin. So if you push me on this, even as a joke, ever again. It's over. On the spot. Do you understand?"

I nod yes. i am just relieved I have a second chance.

I am dressed now and we walk to the car in silence. I am not about to risk saying something else stupid. And I think she is still trying to regroup.

On the drive to my house, she gives her feedback on what I could have done better. But a lot of it is actually things I did well. She liked the way I handled taking her shirt off, so much better than I was last week. I think somewhere later that day, her message about caressing not mauling finally got through, so I am not surprised.

She applauded that I tried to warn her, but I need to get more aware of when I am going to lose it, so I can give an earlier warning. This is not only important not to come in their mouth or on their face, but if I am trying to save myself for inside them.

She liked that I kissed her after she swallowed. Some guys won't kiss after that, afraid they may get some of their own semen back in their mouth. I actually hadn't thought about that, but if she is willing to take most of it, it only seems fair that I risk getting a little.

I apparently did a good job with teasing her a little bit when I started licking her and my timing was good. But I should try to vary the pattern I use with my tongue. She apparently gets a little numb to the same direction, time after time. And I should think about reaching up and playing with her breasts while I am licking her. More stimulation is good.

She says we will try a different position for the sex next time, but I will need to show my own self control and not try to end things right away. So she is still planning on a next time. That is a relief. I still wasn't sure until that instant.

We are now home. She leans over and before she gives me a kiss, she says softly, "You are my eighth lover Jason, not counting two women. When you asked before, we weren't intimate enough for me to tell you. We are now. She kisses me and I get out of the car. We are running late and my mother is just arriving as I get out of the car. Ellie waves to her and Mom waves back. I am not sure if she had seen us kissing or not.

I walk in the house and Mom is coming in from the garage. "You were late with her tonight. Did she help you decide on colleges?"

"Oh my god, I forgot all about colleges."

"Did you not even talk about it?"

"No, we had a good conversation right away. She thinks I should go to Bowdoin. So does my math professor. I think that is where I was leaning anyway. I will wait a couple of weeks before committing, but I am pretty sure that will be my decision. But a lot happened tonight with Ellie and I am still trying to figure it out."

"Did you have sex with her?"

"Yes I did, but then we had a fight. And I was afraid I had ended our time together by being stupid. I only found out for sure when we got here that I was still going to see her on Thursday."

"What was your fight about?"

"Right after we had sex, she told me I was very good. And I asked her if I was as good as Kevin."

"Who is Kevin?"

"Her boyfriend."

She glares at me in a combination of disbelief and anger.

"That was an incredibly stupid thing to say. Why would you do that?"

"Because I was jealous, and as we were lying there I was suddenly thinking about her having been with him. And the thoughts made me stupid."

"But you guys made up obviously. I saw her kiss you goodbye."

"She threw me out of her bedroom, without any of my clothes, and cried for like half an hour. When she emerged, she said she understood that I was jealous and that the situation was unfair to all three of us and she hadn't thought it would go this far and she didn't want to give me up yet, and if I forced her to choose, she would have to choose Kevin. She said if I mentioned him again, we were done on the spot. And never to ask her to compare the two of us, because we are so different to her."

"It sounds like she did put herself in a bad spot. And that she does care about you very much. I have to admit, I was wondering if she would let it go this far. I guess you were going to lose your virginity to someone, she seems like a good choice. And she is trying to teach you to be a good man.

"But think about this from her perspective. For this whole arrangement, she has been the one in control; you will do whatever she wants you to. Almost like a little puppy dog. I know that you are a man, but I think you know what I mean by that. I am sure that is part of what makes the relationship work for her."

I nod my head.

"But with that comment, you cut through her control. Broke into her vulnerable interior that she thought was safe when she was with you. And the dam burst, and all her doubts and guilts about the relationship came rushing out. That she still wants to be with you after she had lost the invulnerability speaks volumes about how much you mean to her. Remember that when the end comes, which it will someday, probably before that long.

"It is a very unconventional relationship and many people would look down on her for it. I was really concerned about it when you first told me about her. But she reassured me at our lunch. She explained how she thought she was helping you and she convinced me that, as unconventional and scary as the relationship was to me, it was in your best interest. And I still believe that, even though I was originally afraid of it going to something like this."

"What did she tell you, Mom?"

"I think I would be violating her trust to tell you. You can ask her if you want, but I wouldn't suggest it after today. Not for a while anyway."

"So, how was your day today, Mom?"

"Good overall, I am still feeling more comfortable with myself since the big cry last week. I think Ellie was right, that was what I needed to actually move forward with my life, which I wasn't letting myself do. Your time with Ellie has been good for me, too. You are so much more of a grown up than you were. Maybe you were just ready to blossom, but I think Ellie has done much more for you than the sex. And it does seem like she is teaching you the right things there, too.

"Thinking of which, Simon has been pushing me to have an arrangement with you Saturday so I can spend the night with him. He wants to get me into his bed too much for my comfort. Right now, I think this will be my last date with him. The next time I see Franklin, I will tell him yes."

On the way home from the comic book store on Wednesday, I stop at a convenience store and buy a box of twelve condoms. It was kind of unnerving to do it. I write about it in my journal.

I am relieved Thursday to see Ellie waiting for me. I had been terrified that she would change her mind and she would just end it by not showing up.

She gives me my usual hug and peck when I reach her, but I think we are both a little uneasy about today. We walk to the car in silence. About halfway to her apartment, I ask, "Are you okay, Ellie? I am so sorry for what I said. My mom kind of yelled at me about it."

"You told your mom about that? You two really do talk about everything. I couldn't imagine talking to my mom about something like that. And really not four years ago. Oh my god, it would be more like talking to my dad about it. I don't think he is willing to admit I am not a virgin. You and your mom really do have a special relationship."

"She thinks the world of you right now. You two should be friends after I go away. You could be someone she could talk about her dates with. And I know you have a lot of guilt about us. She is someone you could talk about that with. I don't think you are going to want to talk about it with K-, the guy I am not supposed to mention."

"Thank you for that thought, Jason. You really are a special kid."

"Excuse me, I am a man, not a kid."

"Sorry, you really are a special man."

By this point we are in her apartment. She leads me back into her bedroom.

"I want to do things a little differently. Did you possibly bring two condoms today?"

I nod my head yes.

"Good. Make sure they are easily accessible from the bed. Go ahead and take your own clothes off today. We will kiss for a few minutes and then you will get me amped up with just your hand for a few minutes before you get me off with your tongue. Then we will have sex twice. But I am not going to give you a blowjob today. Does that work for you?"

I nod my head eagerly.

"When you are first becoming intimate with a woman, using your hand may be the first orgasm she allows you to give her. If you can't do that, you may not get a chance to go further. So it is an important skill for you to hone. So come sit next to me and kiss me. Then start to work on my breasts while you kiss me and then find my clit with your hand. Remember to start gently down there."

She sits on the side of the bed and pats the space next to her. It's weird. I sat on the opposite side of her on Tuesday. It feels like everything is backwards today. She probably did this intentionally to make sure I was comfortable on either side of a woman.

We turn towards each other and kiss. I love to kiss her. I wrap both arms around her and hold her as we kiss. She is holding me, too. After a few minutes, I slide my left arm back and start to caress her right breast. This is much harder with my left hand. I break off the kiss and bring my face down to her right breast, bringing my right arm around to play with her left breast.

After several minutes of this, she is breathing heavily. I slide my right hand down between her legs. It is a bit of an awkward twist, but I manage. I don't trust the dexterity of my left hand to try it that way, which would be more comfortable.

She spreads her legs just wide enough to let my hand in. I run my middle finger up the slit, just barely touching her inner labia. She moans softly. I move my hand back to the bottom of her pussy and trace my finger up again, this time forcing it all the way through the inner lips. She is now moaning on each exhale.

At the top of the stroke, my finger finds her clit and gently rubs it. I lean over to kiss her again. My left hand restarts its attention to her right breast while my lone finger continues to pleasure her below. Her moans crawl through our lips into my mouth. I can taste the lust in them. Their need. Her need.

She stops paying attention to my kissing, but I keep pressing my lips against hers as I increase the effort with my right hand. Suddenly she stops and all of her tenses. Pressed against her, I can feel the waves of the orgasm wash over her. And then it is gone. I leave my hand over her mound but pull my finger back out of her.

She wraps her arms around me tightly and kisses me back. "That was beautiful, Jason. One of my favorite orgasms anyone has ever given me."

She hugs me again and then says, with a twinkle in her eye, "I still want you to give me an orgasm orally."

She lies back on the bed and shifts around to the middle. I crawl between her legs and start licking. I don't start immediately on the clit, but I do go to it sooner and more aggressively than I have the last two times. I think she is already worked up.

I reach up and pinch her nipples while I lick her clit. After a few minutes, I pull my right hand down and try putting three fingers into her today. She is grunting on each thrust of my fingers into her. I can tell she is getting close again.

And then it happens. This is by far the noisiest of any of the orgasms she has had with me. She is howling as she climaxes. It lasts for maybe a minute, but feels like an eternity. I had a momentary flash of Kevin, wondering if she is this noisy with him, but I manage to squash it down. I am giving Ellie this minute of excruciating pleasure. Me, Jason Mallory, by myself. Fuck off, Kevin.

Once she has recovered I crawl up her and we kiss.

"What would you like me to do now," I ask.

"Climb on top of me right now, put your cock into me and fuck me. I do not expect to come doing this, but still try to control your pace. Try to take it slowly, like my pace last time. And don't forget to put your condom on first!"

I roll over, grab my first condom, rip the package open after a mild struggle and manage to roll it onto my erection after a failed attempt. She made it look so easy on Tuesday.

I climb up on her and she spreads her legs, with my knees between them, I slide my dick into her and it feels so good. I thrust aggressively in and out of her once, but I remember what she said. Immediately. I slow down, driving in and out of her deliberately. I love having sex with Ellie. There is nothing in the world I would rather do. As often as she will let me.

In and out, I maintain a steady rhythm. Until I can no longer control myself and I thrust in and out as fast as I can pump. This only lasts a few strokes before I explode into my condom.

I lower myself onto her and kiss her over and over again. I so want to tell her I love her, but she already told me not to. She knows how I feel, but I am not allowed to say it. So I kiss her still more.

"Enough kisses for now, lover boy. You did a really good job with the pace, longer than I thought you would make it, given your lack of release. So pull out of me, get off me, take the used condom off and throw it away. Then we can snuggle for a while, until your eighteen year old body can grow another erection. I will give it a bit of encouragement in a few."

I follow her directions and throw the condom away. I lie back down on the bed, and she lies against me, her head on my chest. She lovingly strokes my abdomen while my hand caresses her back. This feels really nice.

After several minutes, her hand shifts down and starts to lazily rub my penis. It is responding, growing in size. She sits up and takes my mostly erect dick in her mouth. It quickly reacts, growing to its full shape and hardness. She hands me the other condom package, saying, "I would put this on, but I think you need the practice."

I sit up and get the condom on much more easily this time. She straddles my midsection again, but facing away from me this time. As she guides my erection into her, she says, "This is another position where I get to control the pace, We will take this one much more slowly. And I expect to climax, hopefully pretty much the same time as you. This position does have downsides, but most guys like it because they get a better view than in any other."

She is right about the view. I am mesmerized watching her swallow my dick, only for it to reemerge again. I can see her inner lips gripping it as she pulls off each time. I close my eyes; I am not going to last long if I keep watching.

I am apparently not alone in being ready faster than I thought she wanted. She is now picking up her pace. I open my eyes and see that she now has a hand in her crotch, presumably pleasuring herself.

I can no longer control myself and thrust upwards into her. Before my thrust is all the way up, she groans and I feel her muscles squeezing my dick, throbbing on and off, pumping every ounce out of me.

A moment later, she climbs off me and I get up to throw away the second condom. I say, "I liked today even more than Tuesday."

"The sex today was wonderful, Jason."

Her voice sounds like she is crying.

"Are you okay?"

She does not say anything, but she is definitely crying now. I try to hold her, like I held my mother during the M*A*S*H finale. She cries a little more before starting to talk again.

"I cannot keep doing this, Jason. It is tearing me up. I love you, Jason. I can't believe I said those words out loud. I have been trying to hide them from myself. But I love Kevin, too. And I am not being fair to either of you like this. And it is eating me up."

"Are we still on for Tuesday?"

"Yeah, but I don't know how much longer. I promise I will not simply disappear, I will give you a proper goodbye. I think it will just be sooner than the end of the semester I was planning."


She wipes the tears from her eyes and says, "We should get dressed and get you home before your Mom worries.

"And Jason, you really are a good lover. The sex was wonderful."

The car ride to my house is quiet. We kiss deeply before I get out of the car. But no words are spoken.

My mom is not home yet. I sit on the couch and start crying.

A few minutes later my mom does get home. She takes one look at me and runs over to give me a hug, saying "Are you okay, honey?"

"She told me she loved me."

"Then why are you crying?"

"She told me she loved Kevin, too. And she can't keep doing this."

"Was today your last time with her?"

"No, she said she would see me Tuesday. She said she would tell me a proper goodbye when it is time. But we are not going to make it until the end of the semester."

"We knew this was happening, just not when. And you still don't know when."

"Yeah, but she told me she loved me. She told me I couldn't tell her I loved her, but she can say it to me. It hurts so much more knowing she loves me."

"I am sure it does. And that's why she didn't want you to say it to her. It wasn't very fair of her, I agree. I think she is using every ounce of her strength to hold on to you as long as she can. So would you rather tell her how you feel, even though she knows, or see her one more time?"

"I want to have both, Mom. I want both."

"Ok, I have good news. Are you ready to hear it?"

I wipe the tears from my eyes and say, "Yeah, what's your good news?"

"I saw Franklin today and I told him yes and we have a date next Saturday."

"You still have your date this Saturday with Simon, right?"

She nods.

"I guess I need to start learning to cook more things. Seems like you are becoming a very popular lady."

"I guess I am, aren't I?"

We giggle together. I love my mom.

She isn't as giddy nervous getting ready this week as she was two weeks ago for her first date with Simon, Part of her seems a little angry. I think she has resolved in her own mind that Simon is probably just a creep trying to get her into his bed.

She gets back from her date before nine this week. She almost looks relieved.

"Didn't go well, I take it?"

"No, he was definitely trying to get me drunk again. He was pouring me large pours from the bottle and little sips for himself. I bet I drank three quarters of the bottle last time. But I noticed him doing it tonight and stopped drinking the wine. We left more than half a bottle of wine on the table between my glass and the empty bottle. I told him I didn't appreciate him trying to get me drunk and to take me home. And that we were done. He was pissed at me, but at least he stayed civil.

"Oh and I -"

She stopped that sentence looking at me, pity in her eyes.

"What, Mom? What else? Did you see Ellie there? Was she with him?"

She nods to me. "Neither of us can keep secrets very well, can we. I assume it was him, or she has another boyfriend, too."

"Did they look happy together?"

"They looked very much in love."

"Thanks for telling me, Mom. I am glad they are happy. I really am. If I can't be with her, I at least want her to be happy."

I head upstairs to my room, tears streaming down my face. I cry for a while in my room then get down my journal and write for a long time.

I am still writing when I hear my mom knock on my door.

"It's getting late dear. You should try to get some sleep. I am. Are you okay? Do you want to talk at all?"

"No, I'm okay, Mom. I have been writing in my journal all this time. It helps me work through everything. Sleep well."

"You too, dear."

Sunday evening, the phone rings and my Mom answers it.

"Hello"

I cannot hear the other side, although I am trying to.

"Kind of, does it have to be now?"

"Yes, I did."

Mom is looking at me as she listens.

"Thanks for letting me know. Good luck."

She hangs up the phone and looks at me again.

"Who was that, Mom?"

"Just something about work this week."

I can tell when she lies to me. She is lying. The only thing I think she would lie to me about would be Ellie.

I am certain of the worst as I go to bed. I write all my fears in my journal that night.

The next morning, I can almost convince myself I was overreacting, maybe it really was a call about work. I stay mostly upbeat all Monday. As I am going to Linear on Tuesday, I see the closed 207 door, The art class. It has been four weeks since I know she modeled. And she said she thought it was a four week rotation of models. Is she modeling in there now. Who will she masturbate about afterwards? Me? Kevin? One of the students drawing her?

I struggle to pay attention in class today, I guess I am breaking one of Ellie's rules. I laugh. That is the least of my worries now. I hurry over from class and the instant I see her, I know that I was right Sunday. She had warned my Mom she was saying goodbye today.

"You are here to say goodbye, aren't you."

"Today is going to be our last day, yes. But we can still have the afternoon together if you want. I want to give you the best goodbye I can."

"The best goodbye I can imagine is you saying goodbye to Kevin."

"That's not fair, Jason."

"It actually is fair. And honest. But not very helpful. And if I keep going down that path, our goodbye will be a couple of minutes here and I will never see you again. I can't let that happen, so I will behave from now on. But I had to say it. It was what was in my heart. And I am not allowed to say the rest of what is in my heart."

"You have grown up so much from the shy young man I first saw eight weeks ago, And first saw me, more notably I guess."

She gives me a hug and then says, "Would you like to come back to my apartment? Where we can talk or fuck or almost anything you want."

"Almost anything? What is being ruled out?"

"Oh, devising plots to murder Kevin is one I could imagine you desiring right now that I would not allow."

"I actually don't hate him. I want you to be with me instead of him, but that's different. Mom told me she saw you two together Saturday night. She said you two were very much in love."

"I was wondering if she would have told you she saw us."

"She tried not to, but she can't keep secrets from me very well either. Was that you that called Sunday evening?"

Ellie nods.

"I thought so. She told me it was something about work, but I knew that was a lie. The only thing I could think of that she would lie to me would be you warning her that today was our last day."

"By the way, I would really like you to be friends with my mom. I don't ever expect to see you after today. but I would like feeling I still have some connection to you. And I think you would be good for each other. I know you would be good for my mom.

"Oh, and before I stop ruining the moment talking about my mother. That creep she was with Saturday night was trying to get her drunk. She had him bring her straight home from dinner."

"Yeah, they didn't look too happy with each other when they left. And I will keep in touch with your mom. I would like to keep tabs on you, too."

"I have a question for you. Did you model today?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Did you masturbate afterwards?"

"No, I didn't, so I ruined your next question about which one of you two I thought about. I didn't get horny today, because I felt too torn apart about having to say goodbye. I don't really want to do this, but I think you understand we have to."

"Okay, I am sorry. Let's go back to your apartment and fuck."

"That is the first time I have heard you use that word. You have always said 'have sex'."

"I think I finally understand the word. Do you have any special plans for today?"

"Did you bring your condoms?"

"You told me to always have them. Of course I do."

"Good, but you won't need them today. I am actually on the pill and we don't have to worry about me getting pregnant. I just wanted to get you comfortable with having them and using them. Your next girlfriend may not be on the pill."

We have marvelous sex, the best yet, as she teaches me two new positions. And sex without a condom is immeasurably better. But it takes a lot more self control from me. It is a wonderful afternoon, until suddenly it isn't.

"Do you want one last hug before we get dressed and say goodbye?" she asks.

I start crying. "I don't want to say goodbye. I love you and you love me. Why can't we be together. Tell him goodbye. I love you and I want you."

"You always knew this was just for the semester, that we could not be together long term. You still have growing you need to. Without me in the way. You will have a wonderful time at Bowdoin in the fall. And for the next four years.

"I have my own life too. Kevin and I are moving in together. He wanted me to move in Sunday, but I told him to wait until next week, break week. We had a little bit of a fight about it. Really fighting about you, although I don't think he knows that is what we were fighting about. If I don't say goodbye to you, I have to say goodbye to him. And I told you a while ago, that if I had to make that choice, there was only one choice I could make. I do love you and this is hard on me, too. Please remember that."

"You planned this all out. You seduced me so you could write that stupid essay about me. Well, I revoke my permission for you to write about me. I hate you. I never want to see you again."

I storm out of her apartment and walk the three and a half miles home.

My mom is nervously waiting for me when I walk in the door. She runs up to me and gives me a big hug and asks, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, mostly just mad at myself for how I ended that. I said nasty things to her before I left."

"I heard about it, she called to ask if I had seen you. She is very worried about you."

"Can you tell her I am okay and that I am sorry for what I said and that it's okay, she can write her paper about me. I don't think it's a good idea for me to talk to her."

"You want me to call her right now?"

"Yeah, I don't want her to worry."

I watch Mom call her on the phone.

"Ellie?"

"Yeah, he is here."

"No, he is okay. He wanted me to tell you that he was sorry for what he said and that you can write your paper about him."

"Okay, I will tell him."

"Yeah, lunch on Saturday in two weeks would be great. That's the twenty-sixth, at the same place. I look forward to it."

She has written something on the calendar on our wall next to the telephone.

She comes over to sit with me and says, "Ellie says she will always love you and she understood you were just angry. Mostly she was relieved that you were okay. And we are going to get together again. She said you wanted us to."

We have dinner without talking about any of this. I go up after dinner and write in my journal until past my bedtime. I write again Wednesday night. By Thursday, I am back on a pretty even keel. I don't hurry out of Linear, and my professor makes a comment to me about it.

"For the last month, you have shot out of here like a cannon every day. And now you are meandering out again. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I was seeing someone, but we broke up on Tuesday."

"Was it a girl? Are you doing okay?"

"She was over eighteen, so she was a woman. A very special woman to me. It was hard, but for the best. And, yeah I think I am okay. Much more so than I would have guessed Tuesday. Thanks for asking."

"You are probably the best student I have ever had. Did you decide where you are going next year?"

"Pretty sure to Bowdoin, like you recommended. She recommended it, too."

"Feel free to stop by from time to time. I am curious how far you can go with your math."

"Thanks. I will. I have really appreciated my two classes here and having you as a professor."

*****

I hear the pitter patter of little feet, then a young voice, my granddaughter's voice, saying "I think he's still asleep, Mommy."

I hear my daughter's voice from the other room call, "You need to be quiet so he can rest a little longer. Come back in the dining room with us."

I try not to smile while she is still in the room. The unquestioning adoration of a young granddaughter is a gift beyond compare.

I sigh and then remember the time right after Ellie.

****

I really was changed by my time with Ellie. I was much more comfortable with people now, especially with the girls at my school. I really did feel much more mature than most of my classmates, boy or girl. I started dating Melinda a few weeks after Ellie said goodbye. I took her to the prom the next month and she lost her virginity to me that night. My only real struggle was learning to take off her bra. Ellie never wore one, so I never learned that skill.

And Ellie was right, the other girls did look at me differently, like they all knew that I knew what I was doing in bed.

After my last day of Linear, I walked over to the union for old time's sake. I just looked around the room and a poster on the wall by the restrooms caught my eye. Big Nude Day Celebration.

July 14

Old quarry

I smile to myself. I don't think Ellie posted it, but I am sure she is happy that someone did.

The summer was great. I had no responsibilities at all. Melinda loved sex with me, so we fucked multiple times a day. But we were going off to different schools in the fall, Bowdoin for me, Duke for her, and we had no pretexts of this lasting beyond the summer. I was getting to know her body and her reactions far better than I had known Ellie's. It definitely made me a better lover.

My mom was starting to get serious with Franklin. Some nights I did end up having dinner and breakfast alone, but I was happy for her. I could see from the calendar that she would have lunch with Ellie every few weeks. She never told me anything about her, but it felt nice to still have some connection.

I think sporadically about July 14 and the quarry. I didn't think I would go. But a few days before, I told Melinda I would be busy all day that day. I still hadn't decided whether I was going or not, but I wanted to leave it a possibility.

On the morning of the fourteenth, I asked Mom if she needed the car that day. She said no and an hour later, I was in my bathing suit driving to the quarry.

When I arrived, there were about thirty other people already there, all nude. I left my swimsuit in the car and took my towel. It was kind of fun being in a big group of naked people. I started out just sitting off to the side, watching people. You do a bunch of ogling when you first arrive then kind of get used to it.

By the time I was ready to be sociable, another twenty people had arrived, many sitting behind me, ogling me, along with everyone else. It was okay. I got up and chatted with a few people, really my first attempt in my life to reach out and meet strangers. Everyone was so warm and welcoming, it turned out to be easy. Somehow, everyone being nude made it a little less intimidating.

I realized everyone else had brought food and drinks. I guess I should have gone over and looked at the poster more closely. There was smaller print below the big announcement up top. Someone offered me a soda, which I accepted gladly. I really was having a nice time.

And then I saw her. She looked really happy, chatting with a variety of people, flitting about from group to group. And then a man walked over and put his arm around her. She practically glowed with joy as he touched her.

She saw me and waved to me; I waved back, but I did not go over and talk to her. It hurt too much. Every time I saw them touch each other, just holding hands or a hand on a shoulder, I got a gut punch.

I decide to swim for a while to break my current mood. When I get out, they are laughing together. He gives her a quick kiss. I so want that to be me kissing her. I cannot handle this anymore. I go back to the car and drive away.

After about five minutes, I need to pull over. I put my face in my hands and just sob. I miss her so much. This hurts so much. I picture them together. They looked so happy. She looked so happy. I don't think she was ever that happy when she was with me. I have to admit, she made the right decision. As much as I hurt right now, I truly accept her decision. He is a grown-up now. I am still becoming one. And the two of them fit together as peers. That was something I could never offer her. She always had to be the one in charge. I can see that now.

Things seem to fade a bit with Melinda after that day. We still saw each other and had a lot of sex, but it wasn't the same. I don't know whether she was starting to get ready for Duke or I was still thinking about Ellie. It made saying goodbye much easier when we set off for different parts of the country. We wrote each other a few letters, but I think the one she sent me in early October was the last from either of us.

My time at Bowdoin was great. I joined a co-ed fraternity. I slept with six different women that first year. Most of them multiple times. After the first few weeks, I rarely slept alone on Saturday nights. And I made friends much more easily than I ever had. Part of that was that everyone here was bright and interesting. But I knew part of that was Ellie. I saw kids who could have been me, always sitting on the sidelines, alone. I tried to include them, but I didn't have Ellie's sparkle to bring them in.

I spent a month back home over Christmas break. Mom had been spending a lot of time with Franklin. I think she had to cut down on her time with him to have more time with me. We talked a lot. I told her about how well I was doing socially, which was such a change from high school and that I credited Ellie for the change.

"That was the big thing she wanted for you. To put you in the position where you would make friends in college. I never told you what she said that first lunch with me, but I think it's okay to tell you now. She said her real goals were to make you more comfortable talking to people, men and women. And to make you a good lover. It took some work for her to convince me that teaching you to be a good lover was appropriate, but she thought it would help your confidence and make you more appealing to both men and women. I think she did amazingly well with you on both accounts, from what I can figure."

"Do you still have lunch with her?"

"Yeah, every first and third Saturday, unless one of us has a conflict. She does ask about you every single time. I have told her the exploits you have told me. She jokes she is waiting for thank you cards from all the women at Bowdoin."

I laugh. That sounds like Ellie.

"Are she and Kevin still together?"

"Yeah, they are planning their wedding for next fall. Would you mind if I go? She is one of my best friends now."

"Definitely go. I am truly happy for them. I miss her and I always will, but I wish her the best. She made the right choice for herself in March. And probably the right choice for me, as painful as that is to admit."

I stayed in Brunswick my first summer and never lived full-time at home again. I did make sure I was back on July fourteenth and I did go for the Nude Day swim. It was fun, but I didn't see Ellie or Kevin. I never went back for another one.

At one point that summer, I have my tenth different lover. The same number that Ellie had told me. Probably the same number she still had. Could I really be as experienced now as she was? The big difference I can see is she was in love with her last two lovers. I have not let any one else in, not since her. I feel a little hollow.

Spring of my sophomore year, I was elected president of the fraternity. I ponder how that lonely teenager with no social skills Ellie befriended two years earlier could have morphed into the social being I have become. She did so much for me. I miss her so much.

Much more importantly, that spring I fell in love with Nancy. For the second time in my life, my heart goes flip flop every time I see her. For the first time in two years, my heart is not aching for Ellie night and day. I still remember her, think of her most days, but the pain is ebbing each day with Nancy.

That second summer, Mom got married to Franklin. They moved into his house and the home I grew up in was no more. I mean it still exists, someone lives there, but it is not a second home for me. Nancy and I moved in to an apartment together junior year and I proposed to her the next summer. We were married shortly after we graduated.

I did see Ellie one more time, six years after I graduated from Bowdoin.

Nancy and I were visiting Mom and Franklin. I did some grocery shopping to help out; Ellie was at the store shopping by herself. She looked awful.

We gave each other a quick hug and I said, "Are you okay?"

"I am not sure what your mom tells you about me."

"Not much really."

"Well, Kevin got his secretary pregnant and he left me for her four months ago."

"That bastard, I should have plotted to murder him when you suggested it."

She laughs for a moment, and then says, "Your mom says you are doing real well."

"Things are pretty good. I guess you know I ended up with all three of my choices in some sense. I went to MIT for my doctorate and I just finished my first year teaching at Harvey Mudd. Starting up teaching is insane. And Nancy is pregnant now, so that is making everything more complicated.

"It is great to see you, and I am so sorry about Kevin. You two looked so good together when I saw you at the nude day swim. You didn't come the next year. I looked for you."

"No, we kind of moved on from that. And I guess from a lot of what I thought was fun in life."

"Before we drift apart again, I really want to apologize in person for what I said the last time I talked to you. And thank you for what you did for me. Those nine afternoons were the most important hours of my life. The most important days of my life. Everything I have gotten is due to you. And I can't truly say that Nancy has all my heart, because part of it still belongs to you and always will."

"Thank you for saying that. It means more to me than you will ever know. As painful as some of it was, that was probably my favorite time of my life. I miss you too."

And she turns and gets on with her shopping.

It was weird seeing her when I was the one seemingly with my shit together and she was in need. I wish I could have done more for her that day, but I couldn't give her what she needed.

*****

"You are thinking about her, aren't you?"

That is a voice I have known all my life, although it does not have the strength it did when we had those conversations forty two years ago.

"It's okay, Mom. I have pretty well finished my grieving."

"I don't mean Nancy. I mean her. Ellie."

"I never could keep anything from you, Mom. Even my memories, I guess."

"You know she and I are still good friends. I have known her longer than anyone but you at this point. Did I mention that her husband died last year? She is just starting to think about dating again. I have her cellphone number."

A pregnant pause is interrupted by a very different voice.

"Grandpa, will you play lions with me again?"

"I sure will, Megan. It just takes your Grandpa a minute to get down there."

As I get up out of my chair, I say one last thing to my mother, "Text me her number, Mom. I will call her this week. After forty two years, I think it is time to get together. Maybe for good this time."

I announce my arrival on all fours with "ROAR!"

Megan giggles and then puts her head back and lets out a loud "roar" about two octaves higher than mine.