Roses are Red, My Love

Every once in a while, nostalgia rises up and kicks you in the nuts. It happened to me, with a stupid Bobby Vinton song.

I guess it never struck me how much that song mirrored my life. When it came on the radio yesterday, I guess I listened to the stupid lyrics, probably for the first time in my life.

"We dated through high school, and when the big day came

I wrote into your book, next to my name

Roses are red, my love, violets are blue

Sugar is sweet, my love, but not as sweet as you"

Astrid Swensen was the first girl I'd ever dated. Freshman year, she was the most beautiful girl in our class, or at least I thought so. I was so nervous as I invited her to that first dance and so stunned when she accepted with a shy smile. I thought I, Aaron Michaels, was the luckiest guy in the world.

I thought how lucky I was all through high school. I never had eyes for another girl and never needed one. Astrid was mine and I was hers. Even her parents loved me. Her dad treated me like his son, teaching me about cars and fishing, and unlike my own father, made it to all my sporting events. I think I loved him and his wife more than my own father and mother, who tended to be indifferent parents at best.

The only one who seemed unhappy with my relationship with Astrid was my best pal, Joel. We'd been best buds since kindergarten, when he spread paste on my seat just before I sat down on it. Yeah, he was that kind of friend. He'd lay down his life for you but couldn't pass up a joke at your expense.

And I didn't always find his jokes funny. Like when he'd put candy bars in my jacket pocket when I wasn't looking, only to surprise me with them once we were out of the store. When I got wise and began checking my pockets before leaving the store, I got caught with the candy half out of my pocket by the cashier. The police were called, as well as my parents. I was banned from the store and now have a record as a shoplifter.

Or when he upset Astrid sophomore year by spreading a story of how I had had a make out session with a girl from junior year. It never happened, but Astrid, when she heard, wouldn't talk to me for two weeks. When I called on Saturday night, her father sadly informed me that she was out on a date. "Sorry, dude," he said. "I've never seen her so angry."

My heart was broken. When I got the junior girl to convince Astrid that the make out session had never happened, that in fact she'd been out of town that weekend, Astrid "forgave" me, although I'd done nothing wrong. Joel, of course, found the whole thing uproarious.

When I asked her about her date, she refused to tell me any details, not even who had taken her out. "Just so you remember, babe, I've got options."

I cut Joel out of my life, swearing I'd never talk to him again. That lasted for a month. But you know, he was my best friend, and the comic convention we went to every year was coming up, and he had the tickets. Astrid wasn't his biggest fan, but she said whatever had upset me probably wasn't worth losing a lifelong friendship. She said I should forgive him. So, I did. I wonder now, if she had known Joel started that rumor, would she have demanded that I forgive him?

Astrid and I were good then, up until senior prom. She'd been looking forward to it all year, planning her dress, the limo, my tux, the after-parties. She even hinted that now that we were both 18 and I would be heading off to the army, that it might be the night that we finally...

Hell, I was looking forward to prom even more than her.

That summer between junior and senior year, my Astrid really filled out. The girl had curves that would raise the dead. T&A! She had them both. And that's where the problems arose. She became really self-conscious about her butt. Where I thought it was perfect, she thought it was too big.

And when a girl is too popular and too beautiful, well, other girls can be just too catty. Realizing that her posterior was her weakness, they came up with a new nickname for my girl. Well, they didn't. Turned out later it was... You guessed, my pal Joel.

The first time she heard someone refer to her as "Fat Ass-trid", she broke down in tears and hid in the bathroom until a teacher found her there between classes. After showing that weakness, the name was guaranteed to take hold.

It was just over a week before prom, and some football jock took it a step further. To his credit, Joel saw it coming. He elbowed me, whispering that Lenny Grey had been calling Astrid by her new monicker.

So I was ready, when Grey marched up to my girl, and to her face, he started saying, "Hey, it's Fat Assy..."

That was as far as he got when his nose collided with my fist. And I didn't stop. I was livid that my girl had been hurt, and I pummeled the asshole. While the gym teacher who was monitoring the cafeteria that day was pulling me off him, my elbow connected with his nose, breaking it as well.

I was suspended for two weeks from all school and school activities. Which, of course, included prom.

When I went to her house to tell her the bad news, Astrid was livid. She stood in her doorway, blocking my entrance. "How could you! Why didn't you just let it go. You knew how much I was looking forward to prom. You stupid jerk! You just had to use your fists!"

I felt like shit. I had been defending her, but now she seemed angrier than when she believed I was kissing another girl. I tried to calm her down. "Look, honey, we can still dress up. We'll do something else together, prom night. We can still have dinner, still go to the after parties, still..." I didn't want to spell that important part out.

Astrid looked at me like I was crazy. "You can't go to prom. I still can."

It was her turn to look crazy to me. "Astrid, you can't be serious. You can't go without me."

She regarded me coldly. "I told you before, I have options. You'll regret this." She closed the door in my face.

I knocked and knocked on the door, begging her to come back, until her mother opened the door and simply said, "Aaron, go home." I stood looking at the closed door for several minutes, before turning and walking home.

Joel and I were set to join the Army right after graduation. I needed the G. I. Bill to pay for college, and Joel, well we have always done everything together. Yeah, he could be a jerk with his jokes, but he was my pal.

So, I was surprised when he called me up the afternoon before prom. He'd been set to go with Maryam Higgins; a girl he'd dated a few times. He told me that he'd dumped her as his date to prom, to help me out. He was going to be Astrid's date. "Dude, I couldn't let your girl go out with some rando who would take advantage of her. Maryam hates me right now, but I'm doing it for you. We'll just be going to prom and then home," he promised.

I felt stupid thanking him for taking my girl to prom, but I had been agonizing over who would be taking her and imagining their hands on her. It didn't occur to me until later that if Joel had just agreed to take her, then she hadn't had a date lined up even on the day before prom? That didn't seem right. I wondered if her 'options' had fallen through.

Thank God for Joel.

I had ordered a corsage for Astrid, and I thought I'd go over to her house at 11 and wait outside for them to return and give it to her as an apology gift. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

It didn't seem like such a good idea at 12 Midnight, when I was still waiting. Or when I woke up at 3 AM in my car. Her house was dark, with only the porch light on. I couldn't tell if she'd returned while I slept or not. I drove home and threw out the corsage.

The next day I confronted Joel. He told me that Astrid had insisted on going to the afterparties and had had too much to drink. She'd spent the night at her friend Rebecca's house, and Joel had gone home.

I tried to avoid Astrid when school resumed on Monday, but she found me and apologized for going to the prom without me. "But I was just so angry, Aaron. You didn't have to start that fight." She kissed me and told me she'd missed me that night.

While we dated over the last two weeks of school, we never got that alone time that I had been promised for prom night. Part of it was everyone seemed to want to spend time with Joel and me before we enlisted, and part of it was her parents had planned family events that included Astrid and me. They wanted to spend time with me as well.

So, all too soon, Joel and I were down at the recruiters, filling out the paperwork. I signed, and a corporal notarized my signature, while Joel's pen hovered over his forms.

When my paperwork was concluded, I turned and smiled at Joel, but he looked at me sadly. "Dude, I don't think I can do this. My dad's been sick, and I don't think I should leave my mother." With that, he put down his pen and left the recruiting office.

I was scheduled to report in three days, and Joel made himself scarce until I'd left. Astrid cried whenever she was around me, making it impossible to go out or be intimate in any way. It was a sad virgin who reported for duty.

I was in basic training when I got the letter from Astrid. It was a "Dear John." She loved me, but...

I'd only been gone for two months. TWO MONTHS and we were through? After dating for four years? I never even dated another girl. She'd dated three, at least. Her mystery date sophomore year and Joel at prom. Maybe more, while I was in basic.

I thought I was crushed until I got the letter from my mother. It was a chatty letter, full of gossip. As I said, mine were indifferent parents. I don't think she even knew who I dated, and I avoided bringing any friends other than Joel home. But it still surprised me that she didn't realized the connection to her own son when she related that my pal Joel had married the Swensen girl at City Hall. Apparently, my mother obviously enjoyed the scandal, the girl was several months pregnant, so a white dress church wedding was out of the question.

"Then I went far away, and you found someone new

I read your letter, dear, and I wrote back to you

Roses are red, my love, violets are blue

Sugar is sweet, my love, good luck..."

Well, the original lyrics were "And God Bless You." With apologies to the songwriters, at that point my life changed the lyrics. "Sugar is sweet, my love, good luck," AND JUST FUCK YOU!

I never went to college. I made the Army my career, never wanting to return home. Other than a few random letters from my folks, I never heard from anyone from home, except for the one person who really seemed to like me: Mr. Swensen.

He wrote to me, and I wrote back. He's the one who told me that Astrid had had a daughter, Hannah. When I wrote back, I asked him not to tell me any news about his daughter, or I would not accept his letters. She wasn't mentioned again, except for one time when I asked him for information.

I would like to say that I put Astrid and Joel out of my mind, but it was years until more than a few moments passed by that their betrayal didn't haunt me. I knew, I knew from the timing of their daughter's birth that Joel had collected my prom night gift. One date was all it took for Joel to cop her cherry, when I had spent four years loving her. One date.

By then I knew that Joel had created the "Fat Ass-trid" nickname, and had spread it around. I wondered if it was all a setup; he had me triggered to punch Grey as soon as he started talking. That fit Joel, he always had a plan in the works. I think he wanted to take my girl to the prom, and knew just how to get me out of the way.

It made me wonder about her date sophomore year. So, I asked Mr. Swensen. I shouldn't have been surprised by his answer, but I was.

Joel. It was Joel that she had dated. The asshole friend who had caused our rift by telling her I was kissing someone else!

But that wasn't what surprised me.

It was the way my father figure, Mr. Swensen, phrased his answer:

"You and Joel were the only boys she ever dated."

Dated seemed to imply more than two dates, two years apart. It seemed to imply an ongoing relationship. There were nights when Astrid had begged off seeing me, for family commitments, homework, or just seeing her female friends. It never occurred to me before that many of those nights were the same nights that Joel wasn't available.

I never wrote back. I never asked for clarification. Never went home. I followed Kipling's advice and volunteered for overseas duty.

"I've a neater, cleaner maiden, in a sweeter greener land."

I look at the sweet little ass on my Asian wife as she hops into the shower and realize that life doesn't get better than this. Then I decided that I should take a page out of Joel's playbook.

I sent one last letter to Astrid. It was my closure.

"Dear Astrid,

"Your ass was fat, and I hear that since you gave birth that it's now gigantic. Can you still fit into a pair of jeans?

"PS: It was Joel who coined the 'Fat Ass-trid' nickname. People picked it up from him. Is it still his pet name for you? I've heard that since the baby, he's upped it to 'Big Fatty Assy'."

Petty, sure. But Joel was right. These jokes are funny. Still makes me laugh, years later.