Garden Club Ch. 01

Garden Club 01

So, listen, my peeps, I'm Todd and I'm old enough to know better, but that never seems like much fun, so, I don't pay much mind to all that. But what I do mind is, OMFG, just who in their right mind thinks that banging on a twenty something's front door at 10am on a Sunday morning is ever a good idea, huh? Because my idea of that is exactly the same as hearing 'what the hell is your problem' as I slowly answer the front door in a dazed and grumpy mood because...

[Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, pound, pound, bam, bam, bam, kick, kick, bang, bang bang...]

"[Yawns, grumps, yawns and slowly opens the front door] and just what in the hell is your problem, oh, um, Mrs. Milhouse, my favorite client from the high society garden club that I only check out, I mean, see from a distance, I mean, OMFG [eyes spring wide open], wait! Was there a tornado last night and my house got whisked away and landed on the north side of river? Because I know for a fact that there is a society status checkpoint at the river crossing bridge to verify financial status and I also know for a fact, Mrs. Milhouse, that there's no way that old geezer Harvey would let you safely cross over to the south side of the river because..."

"[Pushes and barges her way inside so she isn't seen on the south side of the river] that's enough of that, Todd. Anyways, I'm here on official high society garden club business and business like that is best discussed over a cup of coffee, so, would you mind making me a cup of coffee, hmm, Todd?"

(Chuckles) asks Mrs. Milhouse of me as she stands there with a cup carrier of pre mixed coffees from the Lava Java Coffee Shop in her hands!

"Well, I wasn't sure if bachelor pads on the south side of the river had running water or electricity, so [extends the coffee carrier], um, this is where we upper class high society people exchange pleasantries and the men always start out and since you are as devilishly handsome as that middleclass chickadee, Alice, from our high society greenhouse project says you are, you start, Todd."

Well, well, well, so, folks, middleclass chickadee Alice, from the high society greenhouse project, thinks I'm absolutely and positively 100% devilishly handsome, huh? I mean, things are looking up, right? Also, my peeps, a pleasantry is one of those springtime trees with the purple blooms that smell like perfume, right?

"Oh, okay, Mrs. Milhouse, this may not be what you used to hearing, but you look amazing for [glances down at phone clock] OMFG, for 10am on a Sunday! Ahem, I mean, you're a breath of fresh air and I'm already in love with the scent of your upper-class cleavage perfume, I mean, shall I take your sweater then, huh, Mrs. Milhouse? You know, since your arms are not even in the sleeves and all, so?"

Her sweater, which, OMG, I'm guessing cost more than the four new tires that I just put on my truck and that cost was over $900!

"[Lifts chin] there's a little gold chain, Todd, just release one end and my blouse, I mean, my high society sweater will fall right off, just don't let it hit the floor, Todd."

You've got to be kidding me! There's a statuesque pose for that? Chin high, neck tilted back, chest outward, shoulders steady, arms at a slight backwards angle and firm footing? People are so different depending on what side of the Middleton River one lives on because...

[Mrs. Milhouse uses the distraction to pop open one blouse button and squirts a quick dab of perfume towards her high society chest while Todd nervously unclips the little gold chain.]

So, just what does one do with a removed and awkwardly folded Cashmere Goat Belly fur sweater because I just toss my cotton hoodies literally anywhere because...

"Ooh, that feels better, Todd and may I say that I'm pleasantly surprised that you answered the door, you know, at this early hour in, um, your sports PJ pants instead of your sports boxers and you can carefully lay my sweater over the rear of the sofa, which I'm surprised that you have one, so?"

Oh, was that a pleasantry, huh?

"And may I take, um, may I take your second handbag, Mrs. Milhouse, which I never even knew was a thing for a woman to carry a second handbag, so?"

"(Giggles) this is my handbag (gently pats $1700 worth of finely crafted leather), Todd and this old thing is where I carry, you know, the check the society club owes you for your previous work and the old $5 bills that our society club uses to light cigarettes and cigars during our high society parties (giggles and hands off the other handbag after reaching inside and grabbing the owed check), so?"

See! OMFG! See! It's the north side vs the south side all over again! And the north lights cigarettes and cigars with $5 bills! Neatly creased $5 bills! But I was happy to receive that familiar green check from inside of the cigar lighter bag, which I placed down on the couch just under her bazillion dollars sweater.

[Mrs. Milhouse takes advantage of his absence and pops one more blouse button and heaves her chest to gently, gently, gently allow her upper-class bra to show]

"[Bing, an incoming text] have you let your high society tits out for Todd yet, Lady M?"

"[Ignores text from chickadee Alice] anyways, Todd, shall we share our coffee sipping while I make another high society honor club proposal to you, hmm?"

Um, sure, right, folks?

"[Pulls out kitchen chair like a gentleman and peeks down] oh, I mean, Mrs. Milhouse, that we shall, since we seemed to have covered the pleasantries of the day because, I mean, we have covered all of the appropriate pleasantries, haven't we [scoots kitchen chair in], Mrs. Milhouse?"

"[Sip, sip] we have, Todd. Now [sip], the high society garden honor club, which has always been pleased with your red cedar mulch and top soil deliveries, would like to extend an offer your way to power wash all of the brick paver walkways inside of the mansion greenhouse because..."

Oh, and I probably should have mentioned that I own and operate a small landscaping business, which has four full time employees and a handful of people on standby. And by the way, ahem, the high society garden honor club mansion greenhouse is also environmentally controlled. And pleasant to work inside of because of that.

"Because we're throwing an open toed shoe social fund raiser this coming Friday night and we can't have our women walking on bits of mulch or clumps of dirt and middleclass Alice says that an operation like yours might have power washing equipment somewhere because..."

(Chuckles) my operation! Four plus dudes in trucks with trailers full of equipment, LOL. But I do okay.

"[Bing, an incoming text] operate his zipper, Lady M! It's where men keep their fat dicks!"

"[Again, ignores text from chickadee Alice] well [sip, sip], Todd?"

"[Sip, sip, slurp, oops, slurping is a no-no] offer accepted, Mrs. Milhouse and I'll let my main guy, Kevin, know to get started on the setup right away because..."

I mean, my operation has two power washers, but one of them needs a little loving care because I may or may not use it as a clothing washing machine from time to time because...

"Oh, and speaking of your main guy, Kevin, um, erg, ooh, well, can we discuss what I believe your main guy, Kevin, has done wrong [sip], hmm, Todd?"

"[Scoots chair a little closer] well, Mrs. Milhouse, then you should have brought bagels with the coffees because if we're going to make a list of the things that Kevin has done wrong, I mean, I'm going to need to charge my tablet up and create a matrix because..."

"[Sip, sip] hush Todd because this is serious [sip]. Are you aware that your main guy, Kevin, has been casually (fuck) banging middle-class Alice on the side, Todd, casually and on the side! On the side with his (fuck) banging manhood garden tool, are you hearing me, Todd?"

Um, folks, I'm pretty sure that middle-class Alice prefers it from behind since that works best in the garden tool shed, but as I've never witnessed it, um, on the side it is then.

"[Sip, sip, no slurping] Mrs. Milhouse, if you're going to scold me over the mutual encounters between Kevin and Alice, fuck banging or not..."

"OMG, Todd, high society people don't say (fuck) out loud! Where were you raised? On the south of side of the river because, erg, oh, um, sorry, Todd because it's just that..."

(Chuckles) well, I guess Mrs. Milhouse has never been in a bachelor's pad before then, right? Or on the south side of the Middleton River!

"[Bing, an incoming text] Todd, the belt & buckle on her skirt is just decorative. There's a zipper in the back. And a surprise."

Um, um, I mean, I'm a bachelor dude and I knew that!

"[Spits out coffee over being raised wrong] fine, my mistake, Mrs. Milhouse, but if you're going to scold me over how Kevin and Alice, um, mutually hook up on occasion, I must insist that we do that while we're standing face to face because that works best if you're going to wiggle wag your scolding finger at me, okay?"

"[Stands and straightens out skirt wrinkles] well, I said what I wanted to say, Todd and your response seemed to imply that things are normal and I'm running a bit late for the Sunday morning Brunch and there's the line of traffic at the financial status checkpoint on the bridge and..."

"[Helps straightened out the skirt wrinkles] oh, I mean, I couldn't forgive myself, Mrs. Milhouse, if I didn't charm you out of your Bruch skirt, I mean, do my part to straightened out the wrinkles in your wrinkle free skirt because I'm sure that upper-class Brunches can be brutal judgement zones, so?"

"[Tightens the body gap] OMG, you have no idea how judgmental these Sunday brunches can be, Todd because..."

"[Whoop, an incoming group text] it's almost Brunch time ladies & time to talk about all the sex we're not getting! Don't be late!"

"Anyways [squeezes in tight], there's a little zipper in the back of my skirt and if my face turns red from embarrassment, I mean, it's all middle-class Alice's fault because..."

Finally, I finally figured out why gravity was invented because with just a few tugs at that little zipper and a finger roll inside of the hemline and swoosh, her Brunch skirt fell like that apple that clunked that one dude on the head eons ago!

"[Sips coffee just to spit it out] Mrs. Milhouse! You're, you're, um, you're wearing thigh high stockings and a garter belt instead of pantyhose [sip, sip]??????"

"[Spreads leg stance to enhance the look] oh, middle-class Alice said that pantyhose is more of a fetish and that most men prefer it this way. Middle-class Alice also said that a six minutes (fuck) banging is way, way, way, way at the upper end of things for most men, so, since it's becoming clear about why I'm here, are you going to (fuck) bang me or not, Todd, hmm?"

Well, well, well, it seems like I'm going to have to have a little talk with middle-class Alice then! And Kevin too because he might be making me look bad because six minutes is a lot longer than it sounds because...

"Middle-class Alice also insists that I bare my upper-class boobs for you as well, Todd [LOL, carefully unbuttons and removes her expensive blouse and bra], so [boing, boing], how this?"

"[Spits coffee out again over her upper-class bare and bouncing boobs] it's all perfect, Mrs. Milhouse [sip, sip], but what did middle-class Alice say about how it's now your turn to remove my PJ pants, huh?"

"(Giggles) oh, middle-class Alice said that's just a trick because as the woman squats down as she pushes her man's PJ pants down, I mean, well, I'm here to get sexed up and if your (cock) ends up between my very expensive lip gloss, glossed lips, I mean, middle-class Alice said that sex is give and take because..."

Well, I lost it and just attacked her over the couch before her bazillion dollar lip gloss got smeared, so what?

"OMG [takes thump], OMG [takes thump], OMG [takes thump], you're doing me, Todd [takes thump] OMG, [loves the thumping], OMG!"

"[Thrust] this is just [thrust] the warm up, Mrs. Milhouse [thrust, thrust], since we're just at the seven minutes mark [thrust, thrust] of sex, ahh, ooh, high class ass!"

"[Takes it] clocks work the same on both sides of the river, Todd [pushes back], but I'm loving every second of this [wiggles that high class ass] and your (cock) has my (pussy) in a major tingling sensation, but don't you need my (titties) too, Todd? Because middle-class Alice said that men need..."

Which is exactly why men's arms are as long as they are! Too reach around and down! Which also tightens up the skin-to-skin gap when getting a piece of high-class ass from the rear.

"[Takes more thumping and pumping] put me in your [pauses to think about less than clean sheets in a bachelor pad bed], put me over, OMG, OMG, over the moon, Todd, OMG, I'm so getting a weekend pass to cross the river!"

"[Hump, pump, thrust] that's nine minutes, Mrs. Milhouse and I'm about to spew my garden weed seed [hump, thrust, grunt, thrust] because..."

"[Wiggle waggles back big time] and I want that, Todd [ugh, argh, ugh], send me to the Brunch smelling like sex [wiggle, waggle, spew me big boy] for those bitches to judge me."

"[Whoop, an incoming group text] Millie, where R U? We're trash talking over poached eggs!"

"OMG, OMG, Todd, OMG, my eggs, Todd, I could get pregnant if you dare release your weed seed inside of me since you've been (fuck) banging me raw for the last 2 1/2 minutes because..."

"[Spew, spew, squirt, blast, spew that goo, squirt, stream, spew, spew, squirt, drizzle, ooze, ahh] what [wheeze, huff] Mrs. Milhouse?"

Well, I said it right up front in the beginning of my story that I sometimes forget about what I should know better about, so.

End Garden Club 01