Cruise Line Bartender Tales Pt. 01

For sometime I've considered writing a book about my exploits from my time working for Carnival Cruise Lines as a bartender in the 1990s. To those non American people, Carnival are not a stuck up cruise line, they sold themselves as the "Fun Ships", their clientele being a cross between Butlins and Club 18-30, or to put it another way, a lot of people looking to party.

I went for 8 months and stayed for nearly 4 years, if you happened to be cruising with carnival from 1992-1996 and sailed on the Fantasy, Ecstasy, Fascination, Inspiration, Tropicale or Celebration, I may well have served you a beverage, or possibly even fucked you (or your daughter... possibly even your mother). However I don't just want to talk about the sex, there were so many other adventures to be had, from getting arrested, falling in love, bringing down a corrupt ring of security guards, famous friends, workmates from all over the planet, to travelling the States with friends I made along the way.. I see there is a "non sexual" category on Lit, some of these parts, like this one, will end up in there, will anyone read them, probably not, but it is fun to remember and finally write things down before I forget!!

I'm not sure where to start with this, I could start at the beginning, but where is the beginning....? Me, a well brought up lad from the SW of England, I grew up in a small seaside town, was polite and friendly, as a younger teenager often put in the dreaded "Friend Zone" when it came to girls. Not bad looking, especially once I'd filled out a little as I matured, but my adult life really started once I went away to University in London, I gained in confidence and experience, life was good, but three years soon past, so what next?

With my girlfriend still at the Uni I'd just graduated from, I guess it was time to get a real job and move in with her in London... To "Grow up"... that was the logical next step. Before that though, one last summer back in the SW, hang out with friends, have zero responsibilities, a fun holiday job. My friend Tim and I got a job in the local Haven (for those non UK people, a holiday camp site), we did waiter service, but mostly just messed around and drank too much. It was nearing the end of the season, mid August, and my beautiful girlfriend of 18 months was coming down to stay with me at the site, it was the night before and I was tidying up after evening service when there was a phone call put through to the restaurant, I was summoned.

I excitedly took the call, it would be Sophie telling what time her train arrived; it was Sophie, however all she wanted to do was break my heart, she succeeded. She too had a holiday job, at a swanky hotel, where as I'd been true and loyal, she'd started shagging the chef and we were finished, goodbye.... I was 21, in love, my life set about before me, now my world had finished, at least it felt like it. I didn't tell anyone, honestly I was too embarrassed, Tim and I went for a beer and to watch the opening game of the new football (Soccer) season.... "Why the FUCK are you so miserable", Tim never minced his words...

There were tears, then there were shots, then a night I don't really remember where we both snogged the same girl down "The Grove"... haha... dodgy local night club.. Plans were made, we had to travel, see the world, spread our wings, but where?!!? Neither of us had any money so like many people at that time, we'd go and work on a Kibbutz, don't ask me why, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Trouble is, when you rate your friends, there are reliable dependable friends (often wankers), then there are long standing party friends (also wankers as it happens....), Tim definitely fell in to the latter category.. I'm sure he'd not mind me saying that, I suspect he'd be proud!

He had a sister, she worked for an employment agency in Bristol, we were going to get a job in a factory up until Christmas, then spread our wings, travel, go get pissed* (English slang for getting drunk... not getting angry) in another country. As it happened, it was a Cheddar Cheese factory, the reason I'm telling you that is because it ultimately is fundamental in how I ended up working for Carnival... honestly it is!!!

He headed off to Bristol to get a flat and get things sorted at the factory, I was staying to finish off the season in the holiday camp. Now "back in the day".. as far back as the early 1990s, there was no such thing as a mobile phone, not for the like us "normal people".. So I was awaiting his call, letting me know everything was in place, come on up and start living the Cheesy Dream.... 1 week turned to 2... the holiday season finished, I moved back home, still awaiting the call, 3 weeks in I was starting to believe things were not going to plan, but I had no way of contacting him.

I called his dad, he had no idea where he was or what he was doing, didn't even know he'd gone to Bristol, however he did have the number of his sister, now that was a call I'd not forget. Tim had indeed got to Bristol, had been staying on his sisters couch whilst starting work at the cheese factory, however after 2 days of working the night shift things had gone a little awry. Something about Tim finding it hilarious to write "Karl's Knob Cheese" on a big block of cheddar, which trundled on down the conveyor, for Karl to see and also thing it a hoot, he proceeded to vacuum pack it and it got sent to Sainsburys (Fancy supermarket).. So he was fired after 3 or 4 days, he'd buggered off somewhere, she had no idea where!!

So back to square one, broken hearted, useless friend buggered off somewhere, skint, what next...? I was sat eating my cornflakes flicking through job vacancies in the newspaper, giving in to the fact I should probably get a proper graduate job, when I saw another add... Send us £10 and we'll send you a list of all the addresses of cruise line employers, that sounded more appealing than any "Real Job", so £10 was popped in the post and I awaited this life changing document.

It duly arrived and I applied to some 50 or so companies, pretty much everyone in the book, I was bound to get a job. I waited and waited and waited, then finally I got two replies on the same day, both inviting me up for an interview in London. Well that worked fine, a trip back to London to catch up with Uni mates and 2 interviews. I was successful with both companies, so now I had a decision to make.... I could either get a job with a ferry company as a silver service waiter going back and forth between Portsmouth and Bilbao,... or... I could fly to Florida and attend "Carnival College" onboard the MS Fantasy for one month and train to be a cocktail bar waiter in the Caribbean! No points for guessing which I chose...

And thus starts the Adventures of a Cocktail Bartender... to be continued...