Cruise Line Bartender Tales Pt. 02

The day finally came, I boarded a plane in London and touched down in Florida, my first time outside of Europe, an English boy in the US of A. I was picked up at the airport along with 5 other British people who'd been on my flight and got taken to a motel which reminded me of so many that I'd seen on US crime dramas, I felt like there were going to be hookers in the parking lot and vibrating beds, there wasn't... We were all signed in for the night and were due to join the Fantasy the next day, as well as us 6 Brits there were Croatians, Mexicans, Indonesians, Filipinos, Indians, a real melting pot of cultures, I'd been paired up with a Mexican Lad called Juan.

Two things about that first day really stood out, firstly when a few of us went for a walk around the area to hit a few bars, we learnt that a British Passport wasn't always sufficient ID to get a drink... and who knew you had to be 21?!?! After a few beers we headed back as it was to be an early start, I unlocked my room to be greeted by the sight of Juan, sat on his bed, bollock naked, engorged penis in his hand stroking one out. If that was a shock to the some what innocent me, the fact that he carried on unabashed, well that really threw me, I really wasn't sure of the protocol, I mean if I'd be caught "infraganti" I'd have died of embarrassment. So, I did what any Englishman would do, I apologised and went and hid in the toilet until I was sure it was safe to come out!

The month of training in "Carnival College" was basically 4 weeks of cruising around, visiting various ports and having fun with lessons teaching us about the history of the company, procedures, the drinks and of course being let loose on the ship to get hands-on experience of actually serving passengers. Having just graduated university and the lessons being aimed at people who's English was their 2nd or 3rd language, it wasn't exactly tricky, I was far more interested in the cute blonde Croatian girl, I invested a lot of time in trying to get in to her small very tight shorts, as it turned out she wasn't there to actually do the college, or even get a job, she was planning her escape to join up with her boyfriend who was some kind of asylum seeker, she disappeared one day and we never saw her again!

The main thing I learnt however that month was that the English are RUBBISH as bar waiters, well, strictly speaking we are very good, however to make money you needed to be aggressive, rude, and quite frankly rip people off. To be a little clearer on this, I'm not sure if things have changed now, but my salary as a bar waiter was to be $45 a month, yes A MONTH!!! Bar waiters made their money by a tip percentage being added to the bill of any drinks they sold, where in lies the problem.

The big money makers were the West Indian Guys, they'd call themselves "Pushers", they'd make up a tray of big red cocktails in "Carnival Fun Glasses", then harass people in to taking them, especially on the first day, they'd hand people the drinks, so they thought it was complimentary, then once they'd tried it, make them hand over their "Sail and Sign" card. They'd also then take orders, lots of orders, perhaps a dozen or more, then when they had a fist full they'd go to the bar and get the bartenders to make them, returning perhaps half an hour later.

As for us English, well the people were all on holiday, they didn't want to be harassed, have somebody in their face every 2 minutes asking if they wanted a drink, no we'd just stand on the side lines waiting for somebody to wave us over, then we'd spend 10 minutes talking to them, then go and get their drink, waiting patiently behind the West Indian guys who were "bumbaclotting" at anyone who got in their way... It was a company wide joke that the British were rubbish bar waiters, why on earth they ever hired us I don't know, there was such a high drop out rate.

HOWEVER... making money wasn't exactly a priority, I was really there on holiday, being a bar waiter did have one advantage, it meant you could go and talk to any girl you fancied, very early on I learned to love the phrase. "Oh My God, I love your accent, are you from England?" You American girls do like yourself a bit English!! Did I put on a particularly well spoken English accent when chatting to the cutest girls, perhaps.... Those 1st 4 weeks, whilst I got to talk to lots of pretty girls, it was just an odd shift here or there and was never around for long, and being "Crew" you 100% were not allowed to be in any passenger areas when you were not working. Caught in a girl's cabin, well that would be instant dismissal!! So a lesson I learnt very quickly, just don't get caught!!

Perhaps I should explain the difference between Crew and Staff... Crew, they are the waiters, cleaners, bar staff, kitchen staff, deck hands and stewards. These were almost exclusively Asian, South American and West Indian, they all had their own little communities, and were there to save as much money as they could and send it home to family. Crew members had there own dining room, the food almost exclusively the home cuisine of the crew members, so as an English member of the crew, I was faced with bone soup, octopus broth, plantains, any number of weird local Asian dishes, all made with really low grade food, as a fussy eater, I lived off bread rolls most of the time! Crew members also shared a tiny cabin with somebody else from their department, there were tiny bunkbeds and a sink, you shared a communal toilet/bathroom which was disgusting, I'll not get in to that!! All in all, it was pretty rough...

Then there are Staff.. The pursers, the entertainment staff, child minders, beauticians, casino & shop staff and dancers. These were 90% American and British, they had their own dining room which had pretty much the same food as the passengers would eat, they got a much bigger en-suite cabin (though the majority still shared unless higher up) and they had deck privileges which meant when not working they could be in the passenger areas and socialise. So all in all, it is very much an "Us and Them" situation, and being English and Crew, really sucked!

The top 2 people in the college (based on exams we had to take), got to choose which ship they were placed on. For me it was all about the travel, so there was only one option when I graduated with honours, It was actually the oldest and smallest of the ships in the fleet, the M. S. Tropicale. The reason was because the ships do the same routes over and over again, the ship I trained on did the same 3 & 4 day cruises, only stopping at Freeport and Nassau in the Bahamas, that really wasn't "seeing the World", however the Tropicale was just about to do two special cruises while it relocated. These consisted of a 10 and an 11 day cruise to the Panama Canal, visiting the likes of Colombia, Costa Rica, Curacao, Dominica, Barbados, to mention a few, and after that it was taking on a repeated 7 days cruise from Puerto Rico visiting Grenada, St Thomas, Aruba, Guadeloupe and Venezuela, I was about to really see the world, the adventure was really going to begin, as was the fun!

My very first day on my new ship set the tone pretty much for the rest of my time on the ships, it was certainly a baptism of fire and all things considered, it turned out a hell of a lot better than I could have thought. It is quite daunting turning up on a new ship, fresh out of "college" the majority of people having worked on the ships for years, all in their little cliques and often wary of new faces. I got settled in a room with a guy called Peter, he had also done the college with me, however he didn't choose to come to this ship, most people didn't want to come to the old tired ship, as nice as he was, he was not the brightest person. There is one sex story to share about him and I, where we ended up in a room having sex with two sisters, but that is for another time, for now I'm just going to finish off by explaining what happened on my first night.

I'd collected my very fetching uniforms, a different one for every day fitting in with the days theme, I'd donned the "Fiesta" outfit, (which was basically just a very jazzy waistcoat), as tonight was to be a deck party, celebrating the start of the 10 day cruise. I still had 30 minutes before I was due on deck so thought I'd check out the crew bar. The Fantasy crew bar had been very large, table tennis table, sofas, darts, numerous tables where the West Indians played dominoes SO LOUDLY... Best of all it was right at the front of the ship with access to the crew only deck, a place to chill and enjoy the sights of the ports we were in.

The Tropicale crew bar, well it was at the hull, but about water level, so certainly no crew deck, it was also about a 5th of the size, beers were still 25c though (or 30c for a non American beer), so not all bad!! There were only 4 people in the bar, 3 guys sat at the bar drinking and the bar tender, I sauntered up, fancy bar waiter uniform on, and order a beer.

This act was met with great hilarity, the three guys, 2 English and one American, all in their 30s, who were wearing no uniform, chirped in immediately..

"Oh My God... Your English, and a bar waiter, you know you're not going to make any money!" I very quickly became the butt of the joke, even though most of what they were saying was going over my head. The teasing continued along with the fact I'd just been to "Carnival College", one of them had dated the woman who ran the class and was asking about her, something which I soon found out became the norm, as in people dated on ships, then one leaves, then comes back on another ship, there was far more shagging going on between the crew than there was between the crew and passengers.

All this inter-dating and moving around also added to the complication of turning up on a new ship and not knowing who might be there, which could (and did) lead to some awkward moments, on one occasion an ex-girlfriend turned up on a ship I was working on, and proceeded to get put in a room with my current girlfriend, now that got a little complicated, but again, another story!

So after much insulting and friendly banter, something English are very good at, the guys introduced themselves by name, none of them were wearing any kind of uniform and I had no idea what it was they did. It was Chris's birthday so they were celebrating, in fact they were about to shotgun a beer and asked if I'd like to join them.

As it happens, shotgunning beer is right up there in my top three skills, so I happily accepted the invite and proceeded to guzzle it in seconds beating the other three hands down, something David, who considered himself to be a bit of an expert on the art, wasn't happy about, so much so he immediately wanted a re-match and was requesting 4 more beers from the bartender. The other 2 declined so it was a one on one battle, once again I drained my beer quicker than him, his friends already a little drunk falling about the place, I was getting the feeling this was something they did quite often and David considered himself as "Top Dog" in the sport, and now some young English lad had turned up and dethroned him. "AGAIN AGAIN!!" he demanded..

Who was I to reject the gauntlet thrown down before me and the two other beers were soon pierced, ring pull in hand ready to be chugged, a count down performed, for a third time I swallowed the liquid with ease and crushed him, as I did the can. Once more his friends laughed at him and were bowing down to me in mock worship, things looked to be going good on my new ship. All that said, I had a job to do so I bid farewell to my three new friends and headed up to deck for the Fiesta!

On getting to work I was told that as it was my first day, instead of bar waiting like normal, I could man the beer buckets, which consisted of getting three big plastic tubs of ice and filling them with beer, then setting up next to the dance floor and selling them directly to the passengers, It was a cushy number as you could serve people quick and people came to you, more like a bartender. I was in a great mood, having just chugged 3 beers in about 5 minutes I was also a little light headed, there was music playing and all the passengers were excited and drinking and dancing. I was dancing along to the music behind my table, I was also enjoying showing off another of my useless skills, juggling cubes of ice.

I was selling plenty and enjoying the atmosphere, a couple of women who were dancing on the dance floor came up to my table where I was dancing and sort of started dancing with me, each holding my hand as we did, this led to them pulling me on to the dance floor and I proceeded to dance with them, lots of people were joining in it was so fun....

Then came a tap on my shoulder from the bar manager in his white "Food & Beverage" suit, I was in trouble, I most definitely should not be holding hands with the passengers, and definitely not dancing on the dance floor.... but most of all, I was clearly drunk! I'd beg to differ, I'd go with "Merry", however didn't think this the time or place to be pointing this out to my superior on my first day of work, which abruptly ended then when I was sent downstairs and told that it would be dealt with in the morning, was I going to be fired after my first day?!?!?

All in all I was feeling pretty bad, I went downstairs, had something to eat and considered returning to the crew bar, but all things considered I decided to go back to my cabin and write some postcards home, hoping that they'd make it back before I did!!

The next day when I turned up for my shift, making sure to get there nice and early, I was informed by the bartender that the bar manager Francisco, who one day would become a very good friend of mine, wanted to see me in his office. He was a tall and stocky mostly serious Jamaican man, but catch him off guard, or perhaps off duty, and he had the biggest grin and an infectious laugh, but right now, he was definitely not happy.

I was instructed to sit down and was given a lecture, it consisted of how English people drink far too much, how I need to be careful which crowds I got in with, that it was my first day so he was going to cut me a little slack, but it was lucky he'd sent me back when he did because if the F&B manager Ian had found me, well things might have turned out differently. He didn't want to do it but I'd left him little choice, I'd have to get a written warning, he reminded me that 3 written warnings in one contract would result in termination, now go back to work and keep your head down.

I left the office feeling a bit stupid, whilst I wanted to have fun, ultimately I'm still a conscientious worker and the whole point was to travel and see some of the world, so I decided keeping my head down for a bit might be wise.

As I walked down the corridor after leaving the bar office I recognised a familiar face, the Englishman David I'd stolen the beer shotgun crown from the night before, he looked pretty different though, in his fancy uniform with lots of stripes. He had a childish grin on his face...

"I hear we may have been a bit responsible for getting you in to trouble last night; dancing with passengers drunk on your first day, I've got to say, that is hilarious! Don't worry though, I'm sure we can sort something out"

He winked at me and carried on his way... The name badge read "Chief Purser", the other 2 people I'd been drinking with, Chris, he was the cruise director, basically the face of the entertainment for the whole ship, and Danny, he was the Doctor, all in all three of the most important people on the ship. Those three and one other person, Willy (who was head of security), became 4 of my best friends on the ship, which I'd say was the equivalent of having a "Get out of Jail Free" card, one that I used on more than one occasion! As for my warning, well somewhere along the line it got intercepted and never made it to head office.

I've written 2 non sexual stories to start off this series, in the next part I'll tell you about my first sexual encounter at Sea, which was the one mentioned earlier with Peter and the two sisters.