In Hindsight Pt. 01

In Hindsight Pt.1

By Seki

"Sshhh, be quiet. You wouldn't want your neighbours hearing you now, do you?" he growled into my ear, his pelvis slamming into my ass so hard I had to hold on to the long chair under me just to steady myself. He was fucking me so deep I instinctively leaned forward to bite the towel I knew rested in front of me, desperate to muffle the screams ripping through my throat. I felt his hand on the back of my head, gripping my hair tight, pushing me further.

"That's it, Caleb, bite down. No one else gets to hear how much of a slut you're being for me out here." My muffled cries were keeping him well fed. His fingers dug into my hips, so hard I could feel his nails carve marks into my skin.

"Whose ass is this, huh?" His palm hit one of my cheeks, hard.

"Yours. It's yours," I moaned in hushed whispers through my teeth, drool now leaking down the corner of my mouth.

"I knew my little freak was in there somewhere. I guess I bring him out of you." His voice dropped, suddenly lethal, and his pounding intensified, making my eyes roll to the back of my head. "You're welcome."

People are rarely as simple as they appear to be. In hindsight, ironically, I should've known better. The night had started hours earlier, with a gentle smile that would inevitably betray me.

Nervous was probably an understatement. I hadn't dated in over a year and always dreaded first dates... So many variables and uncertainties. Will they like me? Will I like them? Are they mouth breathers? Do they smell good? Are they rude to waiters? I wasn't one to be picky, but a voice, a laugh, the rhythm of someone's movements, those were pretty high up my list. Those were my visuals.

Connor, my date for this evening, was seemingly a free-spirited, easy going guy with a weakness for outdoor festivals and warm weather. He seemed sweet, a soft transition for someone as rusty in the dating scene as me.

He had just informed me he'd be late via voice note. I decided to wait for him inside. Immediately, I was greeted with the delicious, smokey aromas of grilled meats and gochujang plus the fast paced beats of K-pop music. I had to give him props for being attentive and picking a Korean BBQ restaurant, which I'd mentioned was my absolute favorite cuisine.

The hostess guided me to an intimate, quaint booth for two, where she lit up the table grill and placed menus on the table, offering me a digital version if I lent her my phone. I smiled and obliged, thanking her as I caught the subtle delightful floral jasmine of her perfume. It was faint and inviting.

Once scrolling through the menu via VDR, my text-to-speech app, I managed to relax in my seat. Connor had seemed very nice via texts and calls and didn't seem like the kind of guy to ghost a first date. At least, I hoped not. I reached for my glass of water and chugged it down, welcoming the extra coldness hitting the back of my throat. The ambiance was quite lively and I found myself humming to a familiar song playing.

I got yet another voice note from Connor saying he was about ten minutes away. And another when he was five minutes away. I waited patiently, scrolling through my phone, already knowing what I'd be ordering. I managed to get myself a little more excited than nervous, deciding to put a positive emphasis on tonight's potentially sizzling outcome. I then heard someone stop in front of the table.

"Hey stranger... It's been a while."... That was not Connor.

My body froze. My breath hitched in my throat as my heartrate shot up. It can't be.

Not here. Not now. I forced myself to stare straight ahead, trying to deny what I had just heard, but couldn't. My heart hammered in my chest, unwillingly sending a jolt down my spine.

That voice.

"Benji?" was all that came out.

"Impressive, didn't think you'd recognize me," he playfully answered, sending yet more shivers down my fucking body.

"How could I not recognize you, Ben?" My breath was dry. "What are you... doing here?"

I then heard him refill my water. Oh fuck.

"No, you're not," I protested, in disbelief.

"Afraid so, handsome," he laughed, placing cutlery on the table.

"Can't you change sections with someone? Since when are you a fucking waiter?"

"Just a part-time gig to help out a friend. And afraid I can't switch, it's pretty packed tonight and we're short-staffed. I'm usually not even on the floor. But lucky you, you get me tonight. I'm sure you remember how good my services are." If I didn't know any better (and if I could see), I was sure that line would have been followed by a fucking obnoxious wink. His tone was light and playful, completely disregarding the distress in my voice. I tried controlling my breath in front of him.

"Look, I'm expecting my date any minute. I can't have you-"

"Don't worry, Caleb, I'll behave. Promise," he assured me, Hearing my name leave his lips still caused the same bodily reaction of goosebumps from years ago. I swallowed hard.

"Please. I'm asking you to be nice."

"Nice? From what I recall, you didn't like when I was nice-"

"Okay, that? You need to stop that. Right the fuck now." My tone was serious. He was stupidly charming and cocky as always. I could have punched him. Yet part of me could have done worse... I shook any and all thoughts out of my head and cleared my throat. He spoke first.

"Alright, alright. I'll stop fucking you. I mean, fucking with you."

"Benji!"

"Last one!" he laughed before I felt him lean in a bit too close. "Enjoy your meal, sir." He walked away.

Fuck me. Out of all places he could have shown up. I couldn't get my heart rate under control. My calmness and giddiness for my date had now turned into a chaotic blend of fury, anger, anxiety... and a spark of something else, which I was putting all my efforts into snuffing.

A few minutes later, still in my head, amidst the clinking of dishes, the murmur of customers, and the loud music, I managed to hear frantic, wet footsteps rush towards me.

"Caleb, hi! I am so sorry for being so late!" exclaimed Connor, who from the squeaky sound of the floor and petrichor smell, had caught the rain. "Traffic was hell, then finding parking here was hell. I parked more than ten blocks away and it started raining. Please don't hate me, I'm usually way more punctual, I promise!" His tone was alert, apologetic and anxious as all hell. I smiled and took a reassuring tone.

"Don't even worry about it. Please. Sit."

We were finally able to start our date. His voice had a certain reassuring calmness, despite his initial excitement. His cologne hit a little too hard, an intense mix of citrus and musk, but once he sat, it was manageable. I was all smiles and light chit-chat for the first few minutes, but my mind was already dreading Ben's impending return. Hopefully, he'd honor that promise and behave. He had a penchant for being annoying and loved attention. Hopefully the past few years had changed him. At least a bit.

"I see we're all here," Ben cheered, appearing from nowhere, surprising me. "What can I start you off with? Anything to drink?"

Connor asked about the cocktails and ended up with a Sake Bomb type deal.

"What has the most alcohol?" I bluntly asked. I felt both of them stare.

"Rough week?" Ben teased.

"You don't know half of it." I joked, sarcasm oozing. Asshole.

"I can double the liquor in any cocktail. Or triple, if you're into that," he smiled, knowing all too well what he was doing. I clenched my jaw but smiled through it. I settled on a draft beer.

"Great choice, especially with the BBQ," he complimented. "I can always top you off later, it's two for one after seven," he added, making shivers run down my goddamn spine. He was not behaving. I heard him walk off and finally tried to concentrate on my date.

"That extra booze isn't because of me, is it?" Connor asked shyly, realizing my alcohol intake might have been seen the wrong way.

"Oh my god, no! It's just been a shitty week at work. And I'm glad I get to spend Friday night in good company," I explained away, trying to navigate without bullshitting him too much.

The first round of meats had been absolutely delicious and teaching Connor how to properly grill each cut and make a lettuce wrap had been quite cute. He even had me taste-test one of his by feeding it to me. He was being adorable.

"Wow, what a bite... Color me impressed!" Connor finally flirted for the first time. I smiled, swallowing the whole thing like it was nothing. His nervous laughter was endearing.

"I guess I'm a natural," I flirted back, taking a sip of my drink. Tasting the mix of pork belly, spicy kimchi, and all my favorite flavours was making me forget about the night's drama for a bit. The beer indeed paired perfectly with the grilled foods and I ordered two more, rendering me a tad tipsy despite myself.

"Everything ok here, gentlemen?" Ben spoke up. I bit the inside of my cheek when I noticed his voice had an even bigger impact in my inebriated state. Fuck. I hated to admit it, but Ben brought a certain regretful smile to my face that only that low, charismatic tone had the power of doing. I was cussing at him internally. I was thankful I couldn't smell him.

"Yes, the food is amazing! I think I love Korean BBQ," Connor said, taking another bite of something crunchy that sounded like the rest of our kimchi.

"I can tell! You guys have been piling these up like pros," he smiled, clearing the multiple empty plates. Connor lightly laughed at Ben's comment. "You should leave some room for dessert, though, ok?" Ben almost seemed to be flirting with Connor, which was typical Benji.

"The chocolate matcha tower cake is insane, but pretty big. You guys might have to share," he playfully mentioned. Connor seemed oblivious. Ben was witty, and too smart not to know what he was doing to me. I assumed Connor would think my flushed cheeks were simply due to the effects of the beer or even the heat from the open flame in front of us. There was no way he could tell I was in my head, reliving the filthy memories from years ago...

"We're up for a challenge," Connor confidently replied. "Caleb here apparently has many hidden talents," he stated innocently, which almost caused me to choke. I heard Ben desperately trying to stifle a laugh. I knew why.

"I'm sure he does," he agreed, almost making me want to kick his shin if I knew exactly where to aim. He gave us a few minutes to decide, but I needed some air. I needed to breathe.

"I need to use the washroom. Choose whatever you want and I'll partake," I smiled as I unfolded my cane. I asked him to verbally guide me towards the washrooms, which he did. I started walking, avoiding some tables and waiters across the room, and managed to get to my destination without fuss.

Once I pushed my way through the washroom door, which made a slightly annoying screech, I was immediately hit with the whiff of orange cranberry oil sticks and a recently cleaned washroom bleach combo. My nose wrinkled. I walked along the wall until my cane hit ceramic. The silence, away from the noises of the bustling restaurant, calmed my stress a bit. My breathing was evening out as I reached my hand forward and felt for the urinal, and positioned myself. I sighed, giving myself a fleeting moment for my thoughts to unravel and wander, knowing I'd have to lock them down the second I stepped back out and be good for the sake of my date. Closing my lids for a brief moment I bit my lip ever so gently. I almost let myself indulge, my dick growing heavier in my grip, but I stopped myself. The fuck am I doing...

I then heard the screeching of the door again, but whoever had just come in didn't approach the urinals or the stalls. It was just silence. And I knew.

"You're not behaving at all. You're being an ass," I lowly barked at Ben.

"No, I'm not!" he laughed. "I'm just being... playful. I'm sure he can't even tell." His condescending, raspy low voice echoed in the washroom, almost making my knees buckle. He was obviously biting down on an obnoxious smile. Despite the content of his words, that stupid voice was doing things to me. "Going for a bit more bland, these days, huh? That's fine. A little surprising is all, considering-"

"Shut up..."

"No, I mean, he seems nice. Really nice. A little off-putting coming from you..." My jaw tightened. "Did I hear him correctly? He called you sweet? Must be a first date-"

"Benji, shut up! What do you want, anyway?" I bit down, not quite wanting to know his answer, scared I'd like it too much. He was being an ass, but back then he was the same, so why was I acting surprised? Plus, back then, I welcomed it. He was such a natural at it and I hated how turned on he got me with just his words. He was the only one back in college who knew how his cocky attitude got under my skin... in the filthiest of ways.

"You tell me."

"No clue. You always liked fucking attention, though," I bit. As I flushed, I walked to the sinks and activated the water, washing my hands.

"I always liked your attention." His voice was now edging on something more than playful banter. He took a few steps towards me. "If I remember correctly, you enjoyed mine, too." His tone was low; my heart was beating out of my chest. I refused to bite my lip in front of him. I pursed them instead, trying to come up with any kind of rebuttal.

"You're fucking toxic, Benji. I'm done with that. I'm done with you," my voice regrettably hesitated. The snicker in his voice confirmed he'd heard it. He got even closer, like a goddamn predator hunting for sport, but never touching me. I could now smell him though. It was faint but more than enough: the light, fruity, woodsy, fresh shower scent, probably a mix of his shampoo or body wash and deodorant, had me even more intoxicated. I thanked the running water for hiding the sound of my ragged breathing. My tipsy hands took their time lathering the soap between my fingers, trying to think of anything else.

"You know Caleb... You were the one who taught me to pay attention to little tells in a voice, every shift in a body," he paused, his voice dropping to a low hum. "You know what yours has been screaming at me all evening?"

Humor me, is what I wanted to say but didn't. I heard a wet, slick sound before he spoke, as if tauntingly playing with his tongue.

"That if it wasn't for Mr. First Date waiting for you not twenty feet away, you'd be begging my toxic ass to fuck you right here, raw, until you were passed out."

I couldn't catch myself on time and the slightest gasp escaped my mouth. The directness, and hell the accuracy of his words, hit me like a shot of pure, perverse pleasure, my conscience screaming at me to pull back. I stayed put.

He was never one for subtlety. Other people always treaded carefully and nicely around me. But not Ben, which I liked, I craved, despite the dozens of red flags slapping me right in the face. Yet he still had no clue, thank fuck, of how much a weapon the mere tone of his voice was for me. If he did, I'd be done for. Walk away. Just walk away.

"You're in my way," I spat, my heart beating heavy, desperately trying to control my shaking. He didn't argue, although I could almost feel the sly, victorious smile curl on his face with his slow exhale. He simply moved to the side, letting me exit. But just before I walked out, his hand gently pulled the side of my neck backward.

"You only ever blocked my number, right?" His intoxicatingly inviting tone breathed on the shell of my ear. As if physically glued in place, I excruciatingly managed to tear away, yanking his arm off me. I barely survived that. Stumbling, I found my way back to my booth.

The second I sat, there was a short silence. All I could focus on was getting my heartbeat back to a normal, non-heart attack pace. For a moment, I had forgotten my date's name. Then, as if remembering:

"Connor! I'm so sorry, there was a bit of a line, which was weird. Unless I was standing in the wrong line..." I tried to joke. "Hope I wasn't too long." I reached for my beer and chugged the rest of it down. Connor laughed and squeezed my hand gently.

"A jokester and a sweetheart," he giggled. Caleb, you're a piece of shit. I was so thankful he wasn't as observant as... other people. My need for another drink was palpable, but the thought alone of feeling Ben remotely near me again so soon was killing me.

"What are your thoughts on yuzu cheesecake?"

I went with whatever Connor wanted, although yuzu cheesecake was the absolute last thing on my mind. I could still feel the warmth of his breath on my ear and how easily he made my own body betray me. I hate him... I bit my inner cheek. I want to hate him. Maybe I just hated that part of me. The part that would not have hesitated to bend over a fucking urinal if his voice had asked.

We dove into more light chatter, talking about our work and our families, my mind barely present. When the subject shifted to what we looked for in a relationship, I let him do all the talking. I couldn't quite find the right words. Or perhaps I didn't feel like sharing anymore, feeling too rotten for honesty.

"So, have we decided on a guilty pleasure?" Ben reappeared, like clockwork. I could feel his eyes on me but chose to ignore it, despite my dick twitching under my jeans. Connor ordered.

"Cheesecake, great choice. No indulging for you?" Ben asked me as he took away my empty beer glass.

"I'm good, thanks. Can you get me the check when you get a chance?" I coldly asked.

"Certainly," his smile was glued to his face, I could tell. My jaw clenched. The least I could do was pay for dinner, preventing Connor from actually tipping the guy who had singlehandedly cockblocked him.

The conversation, along with the rest of the evening, had all but fizzled out. I felt horrible. Still, Connor, bless his innocent soul, kept up his cheery attitude and enjoyed every bite of his dessert, sweet enough to offer me a taste. All I wanted was to lean in and have him feed me again, hoping Ben would be watching, find it corny and finally fuck off. Or, better yet, if I decided to cause a scene and get him fired. For Connor's sake, I didn't. Ben's presence earlier still burned around me; his words alone had all but caused me to moan in a public washroom. Of course, I hadn't deleted his number. I could never bring myself to do it. Tonight felt like a good night for it, though.

A full year since I had dated, and Ben had just shown up and managed to render me a complete and utter horny mess, ruining me for anyone else.

Connor was nice enough to drive me home. I avoided the late-night kiss and upstairs invite, just wanting to hop in the shower and in bed and disappear. I told him I'd call him next week, but something told me he knew I was lying. I couldn't summon the courage to be honest with him. He deserved better. Way better.

I opened the door to my apartment, kicked my shoes off, and crashed on the sofa. I rubbed my temples as my brain relived tonight. A pit formed in my stomach. I took out my phone and looked up Ben's number. All I had to do was say delete. It was all it took. Yet the word didn't come out. Instead, with my stupid tipsy ass, and the sudden dumb aching urge to have him on top of me, I found myself unblocking him. Fuck what are you doing?! I didn't know.

I sent him the first thing I could think of in voice note format:

You're a piece of shit, you know that?

Not a minute later, my phone vibrated. I hesitated but picked up, yet not giving him the honor of a response.

"Unblocked me just to tell me that, huh?"

"Yup."

"Liar."

I hesitated. My breathing was undeniably louder, my lips parting, then receding, my mind fighting between speaking up or shutting up.

"What are you doing after work?"

"I have a feeling you're about to tell me."

I couldn't manage to say the words, but he figured it out, like he usually did.

"Address?"

Fucker. I wanted to throw my phone at the wall, but all I could think of was the feel of his fingers wrapped around my throat and how painfully pleasurable he made every single touch feel... I had never had anybody like Benji, and he knew. I just hung up. And texted him my address. A few seconds later, I got a voice note.

I'll be there in thirty.

To be continued soon.