In Matters of Business Pt. 02

The corporate blabber rages on with that plastic, manufactured pace companies use to try to both entertain you and convince you that whatever you're doing with your 40+ hours a week is actually worth it.  

My attention is obviously not monopolized by my employer: though my eyes are focused on the screen ahead, my antennas are turned towards the cryptic man sitting nearby. I'm not one for impulsive actions and don't want to rush into something I might regret later; however, the pull towards him is almost magnetic to the extent that my head sometimes turns left without my full awareness. I was fidgeting nonstop - the nape of my neck was as warm as my coffee and I kept asking myself...

How do people start these things??

I have never been one of these people who know how to flirt IRL. I've always behaved well, cared a great deal about my professional career and never remotely considered mixing it with any funny business. I wanted to do right. But what if right felt like jumping a coworker whose name I did not even know?

Lost in my thoughts, I barely noticed that the talk was ending and that the crowd should soon be in the restaurant. The rainy sound of clapping woke me up from my trance and my boss's tap on my shoulder brought me back to the reality that everyone was moving.

"Now we'll be ready for the next quarter, huh Ellie?" he uttered, and I nodded with my perfectly genuine enthusiasm. "Let's break some records in those KPIs!" I said with a very polished smile - amazing how I was so able to spew corporate bullshit, knowing damn well how my mind and body were elsewhere. I entertained myself seeing my boss's excitement for whatever the next quarter was supposed to bring and moved on with the flow towards the appetizers.

My eyes seemed to have a pull to the back of someone's head and I instinctively followed the crowd while aligned to him. As I'm fighting with my thoughts to continue pretending to pay attention to a distant colleague's chat, I suddenly erupt "ohh I'm so sorry but I really need the restroom before we eat!" and leave.

I had a need - no, more a craving - to know more. I lock myself in a stall and immediately check LinkedIn... Yes, so sexy of me. My desire to know where he came from and what he had done so far, in case any sort of conversation happened, was coming to life as I knew his manager's name and looked through his 312 connections for that face. I rationalized ways to weave some plausible deniability in case we spoke and information I knew could come up. This was crazy and very much unlike me! But I'm not a stalker and this is public information anyway. I just needed to know. And this is how I'm rationalizing it.

Finally, someone who looks like him appears and I check his picture and work history. His pic shows him in a suit which is great, but his facial expression is of someone distracted -- is he trying to be cryptic on purpose, despite the long list of degrees? What is wrong with him? His real-life presence is something else entirely... I am just stupidly obsessing and going too far. I leave the bathroom after doing a pretend flush to avoid suspicion, flustered and frustrated because I couldn't find any information that seemed helpful. Moreover, I felt like I was invading his privacy, which made me feel like a teenager. Oh well.

Coming out, I am faced with a crowd furiously attacking all the "party" food: classic corporate miniatures of different things that look fancy but tend to be rather cheap ingredients. When are they not saving money on us anyway?

I make small talk with one or two people on my way to my team's circle, and engage in a random chat about the future of AI in "scaling our productivity"- oh yes, I am very good at corporate bullshit, because I actually hated the idea of having AI everywhere, and thought our productivity did not need to be scaled or anything. In chatting to this colleague about the alleged wonders of artificial intelligence, I'm a bit fed up and start a dramatic rant about this blue circle that appeared in WhatsApp claiming to be some kind of AI assistance.

"Why is it that something that is allegedly so helpful not allowing me to refuse its help? Is it true love if I am not free?" I clutch my chest in cinematographic distress, while my colleague cracks up with my absurdity. I leave him laughing and focus on the food table with some cookies and cakes: tiny but very appetizing. I rush to them and suddenly feel a twinge in my gut when I notice that in my move towards the cake, my elbow hit someone's arm (and boy, do I have pointy elbows).

My realization comes while I'm uttering the words "I'm sorry" and clutching my newest cake: the elbow victim is a kind, older lady who is standing right next to a man who observes the scene curiously. Yes, it was him - not in any state of glory or absurd hotness, only grabbing a handful of cookies while looking at us. I apologize profusely and the lady, very nicely, says not to worry: she had long sleeves and felt nothing. I'm relieved but my cheeks are burning, for more than one reason.

I have never believed in love at first sight: for me this is people not admitting they can feel instantly attracted to someone in a visceral way, and this is exactly what I was feeling. The shot of adrenaline making my face warm was washing over me, and I saw the shift of the light in his eyes in feeling guilty for being caught red handed with all the cakes, to the realization that we had already crossed paths somehow before - and that there was something in the air between us. Have you ever heard of hunter eyes, some kind of theory people have invented for the alleged "alpha man"? I was sure as well giving him those eyes in that moment as the unspoken acknowledgment that lasted barely a second happened: we both had a thing for each other. Undeniably. We lived those couple of seconds intensely until he delicately broke it by saying "Oops, cheat meal. I'm being a bit greedy today" while showing me his bounty.

I nod and play along: "Sometimes you just gotta".

What the hell? I was way too nervous with all that and it was definitely a brain fart, but at least one that earned me a smile from him. But I definitely needed to fucking chill in many ways, as I could now feel my neck on fire too.

Focusing on my cake, I slide away from him to bring myself to the bar to get some wine, not a wise choice considering my state, but the remedial action for that moment. I go back to my team to forget what just happened and pretend to be interested in all sorts of corporate small talk, from KPIs to wellness breaks and "virtual commuting", whatever that means. At one point, the random guy I was earlier talking to about AI comes laughing to me and asks me to show him where to find this stupid blue circle in WhatsApp, which I gladly do. I like to be absurd, so I double down on it saying that if I wanted a donut that makes me frustrated and disappointed, I could just come to the cafeteria at any time during my work hours... and the guy is dying. I leave him laughing with other people and mingle with other colleagues a bit more, until I hear that the next talk in 5 minutes, which prompts me to finish my wine and start walking back. This was a good workday -- I could focus on the pleasures of food, and think about other pleasures by remembering my interesting coworker (whose name I did not retain from LinkedIn, oops).

I checked my phone briefly, to maybe remember his name from my search list but soon hear "So a bird told me that you're not a fan of know-it-alls?"

Of course it was him. I was almost caught reopening his profile, which doesn't help with having any semblance of composure. I widen my eyes to disguise my surprise.

"Well, that depends. If it is a pretend-to-know-it-all like the AI they are trying to get us to use here at the company... I would prefer organic ignorance as we have always had".

He's shaking his head while repressing a smile. "You do know that I am involved in the push of some IT solutions here, right?"

I feign surprise while brushing the thought that he somehow knows I checked his LinkedIn profile:

"Alright, Mr. Robot. Is that some guilt that I'm sensing?"

He nods with furrowed eyebrows, pretending to be full of regret. "I do sincerely apologize".

I smile looking ahead and take my time to reply. "I don't know, man... I need some time to get to the conclusion of whether you are forgiven or not. Those stupid little icons are so annoying, and I am tired of clicking to say that no, I don't want my email rewritten and proofread by the robot".

He shrugs and puts his palms together, doing some kind of on-purpose cringe namaste. "I will check in with you later to know your verdict on this very important topic, miss...?"

"Ellie." I say, after a moment of hesitation. My face is on fire and my heart seems to be beating inside my throat.

We divert our paths to take our seat next to our respective team, with an oddly simultaneous sly smile after I said my name.

This game is so on.

We still have two more days of team building.