Under Blue Idaho Sky 02

"Morning!"

Patrick was already at the dock when I approached the shore, rods in one hand, box of baits in the other.

"Morning!" He answered cheerfully, looking surprisingly fresh, considering all the drinking the night before. "Have you seen Jack?"

"No, why?" I frowned, placing the equipment on the ground.

"His bed was empty when I woke up. I thought he was with you."

I felt a sudden shiver coming down my spine. Had he done something stupid? Had I made a mistake letting him go last night? Maybe he wanted to tell me something, and I ruined everything. These forests weren't safe at night, and the sun had barely risen above the mountains.

"Did he leave a message? A note?" I asked, my chest tightening.

"Not to me." Patrick pulled his phone from his pocket and shook his head.

"Try calling."

A flat, mechanical voice crackled from the phone speaker: "The subscriber is temporarily unavailable."

No signal of course. Most phones are as good as dead in these mountains. Crap...

"Stay where you are, I'll check around."

"Shall I wake the others?" asked Partick, slightly disoriented.

"No. Not yet. Wait here in case he shows up. I'll be right back."

I left my companion alone to make my way around the lodge. Tried calling Jack's name once, twice - nothing but the echo of my voice against the hills. Then I spotted it - a fresh set of footprints in the dew-covered grass. That same tension from last night coiled in my chest again.

I followed the trail instinctively, breath tight in my lungs. It was leading down the slope, towards the bank towering over the lake. I dived into the greenery, the light of day ripping through the bushes. And then his silhouette emerged from between the trees.

Jack was sitting at the edge of the cliff, his legs dangling, hands pressed to the ground behind him.

"Jack?" I almost ran toward him.

He turned slowly. His eyes were swollen, dark-blond hair messy. He looked as if he hadn't slept. He was still wearing the shirt from last night. Noticing the goosebumps on his arms, I shrugged off my jacket and wrapped it around his shoulders.

"Jeez, I was worried. What are you doing out here?"

His expression darkened.

"How can you still worry about me after what I did that night?"

My chest tightened. I froze. I hadn't thought he'd dare bring it up. My mind filled with pictures I had long buried in hopes to forget.

Jack's face flushed with warmth, our hands grasping, our bodies moving in sync. The smell of sweat on his chest. The touch of his lips on my neck. The sound of his voice whispering my name in the dark. And then - nothing. Silence at dawn. The cold side of the bed where he should have been.

"Let's say I've always been a hopeless case." I said, shrugging as I sat beside him. "And you've always been a coward."

I tried to sound light - to deflect. But the anger still burned low, coating my voice in something bitter.

"I still am." He sighed, his eyes drifting into empty space. "I'm sorry I ran away."

Sorry? Six years of silence, and now he's sorry?

"Let's be real, Jack. It didn't mean anything to you. You made a mistake, you moved on."

"No," he said, turning toward me. His voice cracked. "That's not true." His eyes were glassy, shimmering with guilt that looked a lot like grief.

A sudden rustle snapped our heads around. Patrick's voice rang through the trees: "Barry? You there?"

I stood quickly, the world tilting for a second. Jack followed suit, tugging the jacket tighter around his shoulders.. Patrick pushed through the thick shrubs with Jared close behind him.

"Sorry - I had to wake them. It was taking too long, pal," Patrick said. His expression shifted from concern to relief. "There you are, man!"

"Yeah. I was wandering around. Sorry for the turmoil." Jack said with embarrassment painted all over his face.

"I thought you went fishing without me." Patrick grinned. "Good to see you're okay."

While the two of them were joking around, I caught Jared's gaze. He noticed my jacket resting on Jack's back. There was something sharp in his eyes - suspicion - but he didn't say anything.

I felt tingling in my fingers and a sudden rush of blood, hurrying me to escape.

"Let's head to the dock, shall we?" I said, brushing past them. "Changed your mind about fishing, Jared?" I added, forcing the shift.

"Nothing like fishing, man! Might as well try, since that dumbass woke me up." He replied playfully, not giving away any negative emotions.

I felt his gaze lingering on me all morning. Each time I looked back at him, he just kept smiling. But it was the wrong kind of smile. Tight. Calculating. He knew something, noticed something, or just had a hunch.

Either way, he was posing a threat. Not to me. No. I had nothing to lose in that game. Jack on the other hand... he had a whole life at stake. A life built on avoidance. On suppression. A life he had been carefully constructing for the past few years.

After breakfast the guys jumped onto my truck, and we ventured into the park. I kept looking at Jack in the rear window. Despite having a good breakfast and downing a killer of a coffee, he looked shitty.

"Hey, you sure you wanna go?" I asked him after we parked near Jenny lake. "We could eat something, shoot a few photos and go back. You look exhausted."

"It's just a little hike. I'm fine," he replied, clearly irritated that I was questioning his strenght.

"Come on, lovebirds!" I heard Jared yelling at us. "You can cuddle when we're done with the trail."

"Shut up, jackass!" Jack snapped back, suddenly energized. "You want a cuddle? I'll give you a fucking cuddle."

Jack jumped down from the truck bed and jogged toward Jared. The two started roughhousing like little kids, shoving and barking out stupid insults.

Jack laughed. Probably clueless. But I wasn't. I saw the weight behind Jared's words. He wasn't just being funny. He was testing the ground. He was testing me.

The day passed without revelations, yet the air was tight. Maybe it was Jared's watchful silence. Maybe it was Jack's unfinished confession, hovering above me like a knife on a thread.

By the time we reached Inspiration Point, Jack's steps had turned from weak to sluggish. His breathing was shallow, sweat gathering at his brow despite the cool breeze.

"You okay?" I asked quietly.

"I'm fine," he said, but there was no conviction behind it.

When we started descending, his knees buckled on a loose patch of rock. I grabbed his elbow quickly.

"Careful."

He gave me a sheepish look. "Thanks."

I stayed close on the way down. Let him lean on me where the terrain got tricky. Felt the warmth of his body pressed against mine now and then. These short moments of touch were filling my chest with warmth. I still had his trust after all this time.

Kevin and Patrick were marching ahead of us, talking loudly, snapping selfies. Jared was lagged behind, trailing us in silence. Unusually quiet. Watchful. I could almost feel his breath on my neck. He was up to something. And I was just waiting for the moment he'd strike - confident it was only a matter of time.

"So, Barry," Jared finally called me out when we were lounging at the lodge later. "How do you feel as a mountain monk? Don't you miss Salt Lake City?"

He poured me a glass of whiskey, and I accepted it with mild hesitation.

"On the contrary." I took a sip, weighing my words. "This place is freedom."

"Heard you sold your family house," he said, cocking his head. "You must've bought yourself a nice little ranch in Jackson, huh?"

Suddenly I felt surrounded. All eyes on me, about to judge. Damn white collars, city guys. I could rave about my way of living, but they would never understand.

"Not really." I said, setting my glass down. "My boss is out of state so I run his B&B, guide hikes when the season's right. I own the car only. And honestly, it's enough."

Jared raised his eyebrows. Kevin let out a surprised gasp.

"That's one hell of a statement." Kevin grabbed his drink. "To our anti-capitalist friend."

"To freedom." Partick added with a grin.

"So you bring the girls to that b&b? Are they cool with that?"

Jared kept circling the subject like a hound on a scent. He surely mentioned "girls" on purpose, now that he suspected something was off.

Jack went still for the mention, barely noticeable if you weren't watching.

"Oh come on Jared!" Kevin jumped in, winking at me. "They screw under the stars. Might get myself a pickup too. Bet the ladies love it, huh?"

"Don't know, never tried," I replied with a shrug and dished another sip of whiskey.

"I don't know man..." Jared went on with yapping. "Owning nothing, living in the wild. Don't you ever feel unsafe?"

"Jared..." I crossed my arms, a little pissed. "When you have nothing, there's nothing to lose. Is your well-organized corporate life any safer? One bad bet, market crash, and everything goes to hell."

"At least I have goals, ambition," he muttered.

He was about to go on, but Jack finally spoke up, cutting through the rising tension.

"Let him be. It's not a pissing contest." He paused. "Don't we all want to screw everything and run away sometimes? Fuck the schedules, deadlines, ASAPs..."

"Yeah..." Patrick sighed, gazing in the distance. "Just me and the fish. The water in the lake, and the wind in my hair. No paperwork, no invoices, no children screaming."

"Only me and the girls, stargazing at my pickup bed." Kevin chimed in with a grin. "Relax, guys. To the groom. May he still find a little wilderness once Mary's got that ring on him."

He raised his glass, and the rest of us followed, letting the topic dissolve into laughter and toasts. The whiskey kept flowing. Soon came drinking games and nostalgic stories from our college days. Each memory louder than the last.

I played along just enough. Smiled where expected. Laughed on cue. But despite the turmoil, I could feel Jack's eyes on me. Not once. As if he was trying to speak to me soundlessly. I brushed it off.

For a moment I zoned out, with my back against the wall, listening to the sound of fire crackling in the lodge hearth.

This was their world. Ties and timelines, table talk and polite ambition. And somewhere in it sat Jack - one foot in their circle, one in mine. It didn't sit right. As if we were both trapped. Well, I surely felt trapped.

I slipped away quietly, just before midnight. No one seemed to notice, except maybe Jack. His eyes caught mine for a second - hesitant, questioning - but he didn't stop me.

Outside, the night was crisp. I headed toward the car, the crunch of grass beneath my boots barely audible - until a door slammed shut behind me. Footsteps followed, soft but certain. My heart stuttered. I didn't have to look back to know whose footsteps it was.

"Leaving early?" Jack's voice called out.

"The world you guys live in ain't no longer mine, and you know it." I didn't turn around. "Figured I'd rather call it quits."

I sat on the edge of the pickup bed, wrapping myself in a blanket. It was getting colder. The summer was at its end and one could feel it with every passing day.

I looked up and saw Jack approaching. His cheeks were flushed with whiskey. Eyes blurry. Dark blonde hair shining in the warm light sipping through the windows of the lodge behind him. He looked like a dream I was trying to forget.

"Why did you follow?" I asked finally, when he was close enough not to raise my voice.

"Because..." he hesitated.

"Because what?" I cut in, sharper than I meant to.

He'd fucked it up years ago, and he was about to fuck it up again. That silence between us made my skin crawl. I was done with the dodging, the half-truths, the bullshit. I wasn't some secret to be kept behind closed doors.

"Because I have something to say. And if I don't say it now, I might never get another shot." He replied with visible embarrassment. Facing truth was never a strong side of his.

I was waiting with my arms crossed on my chest. Ready to fire back, eager to judge.

"Remember what you said in the morning? About mistakes? It was never you." Jack shook his head. "Running away was a mistake. And I realized that pretty quickly."

"Why didn't you come back then? Why the ghosting?" I shook my head in disbelief, sure I'll get a list of excuses.

"I was scared." He dropped his eyes to the ground. "I wanted to come back, I really did. But in my head it was too late. And then... I got caught up in that thing with Mary. Until it actually was too late."

At least he was finally honest. Not that I needed his honesty now. Not that it could change a thing.

At first I didn't know he was into guys. There were signs, but nothing too obvious. Yet after the night we shared... I was more than sure.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt that much if he'd just used me. But he walked away in denial - walked away from what we could have been. A chance was wasted. He chose the path that seemed easier.

"Well done. You said it. If you're looking for forgiveness..." I started, but he didn't let me finish.

"I don't."

Silence. Dense and all-consuming. Too thick to break with ease.

"So..." I whispered after we cooled off. "Now what?"

"Now?" Jack raised his gaze and looked me in the eye. "Now I'd really like to kiss you."

I froze. He was doing it again - messing up with my head just to disappear the morning after. And still I had no strength to stop him.

"We shouldn't," I muttered quietly, without conviction.

"I know," Jack replied under his breath, leaning in.

His lips met mine tentatively at first, as if he was waiting for me to push him back. I didn't. I let the kiss deepen. Soft at the start, turning chaotic. Desperate. Hungry. Years of silence and yearning melted on our tongues.

His hand cupped around my jaw, thumb brushing over my cheekbone, like he was discovering me all over again. My fingers slid under his collar, clinging to his neck, as if my whole life depended on the heat of his body.

We were kissing as if all those years were merely a bad dream. As if we were back in college - young, reckless and madly in love. Before we fucked it up.

"God, you smell the same." Jack gasped, pulling away. "I used to dream of that scent."

He pressed against me again. His knee slid between my thighs. I could feel the weight of him, the ache in him. And the taste of whiskey on his lips.

Then - a sudden realisation. We were doing it again. Drunk. Sloppy. Repeating history.

"No." I said quietly, then louder. "No. Stop it."

I pushed him back. He looked at me surprised.

"You're drunk again. Tomorrow you'll act as if nothing ever happened."

"It's not the same as then. You know it." He replied, resentful.

"No, it's not." I agreed. "Last time you ended up dating her. Now you two are going to marry. Quite a commitment."

"That's not fair..." He looked at me with those giant hazel eyes, guilty as a puppy.

"Is it? You want me to be your secret? Your side chick? Not into that shit." I paused to get myself together before continuing more levelly - "Come back sober, when it actually means something. Or just let it die."

Jack stood there silent, stunned. His expression shifted. What was it in his eyes now? Regret? Shame maybe? He turned around without a word and disappeared into the dark.

I took a deep breath to calm down, understanding how close I was to ruin myself again. I must be insane, I thought, to still want him like I do.

After all the years apart we were basically strangers. And yet I was ready to let him break my heart once more. And for what? For a few moments of honesty? For a night of pleasure? Pathetic.

My gaze hung on the trees nearby the lodge. A sudden rustle in the distance. I could swear there was some movement there. I squinted at the shadows, trying to recognise the shape. A human silhouette without a doubt. It blinked before my eyes for a second and quickly hid behind the house.

Jared.

It must have been him. He was sniffing around all day, and now he finally found a reason to sting. I exhaled heavily.

"We are so fucked," I whispered to myself, closing my eyes, hiding my head in hands. "So, so fucked..."