Just One Knight Pt. 01

Hello again. Just a (hopefully) fun little story. I love going over the tropes found on this site. In this case a wife making a awful request of her husband. This is part one of three. All parts are written.

There isn't a lot of sex here. I like to discuss and build the consequences of actions. I hope you enjoy.

Just One Knight

Thomas

My Kelly was nervous, nervous as hell. She'd already progressed through several stages. Her first stage was fidgeting, then she'd talk too much. Next, she'd wound her hair to a point where it not only looked tangled but painful. The fourth stage was speaking either too loudly or quietly, quietly was worse. Lastly was a stage of nervousness I'd only seen her manifest when loved ones had a terminal condition: Kelly had gone rigid and pale. She tried to smile at me in reassuring fashion through her frozen facial muscles. She knew she'd failed in spectacular fashion.

Now Kelly leaned forward, clamping her hands to the side of our kitchen table like it was a deck chair after the Titanic went down. She started very quietly, mixing the worst of stages three and four. So far, I'd kept my cool though I was wondering what the hell was happening.

Kelly started, "Thomas, I-I know what I'm going to ask for is a lot. It may be unforgivable." My wife looked up at me with deep soulful eyes overflowing with trepidation. "I love you, Tommy. I do, but I'm about to make you think I love you a lot less than I do. Although, if I didn't love you so incredibly, I'd never dare to do this. It will sound false, but it's only because I love you so much and have such faith in you and your strength, that I can do this."

I sat nodding slightly trying to help her complete what she obviously felt was a tough mission.

Kelly licked her lips nervously adding, "I know this may hurt you too. I'll explain everything as I can. Though probably not in as timely a fashion as you'll want. I never want to hurt you, yet this probably will." She looked off to the side at nothing, then back to me, "No, it will definitely hurt you. I-I apologize."

Kelly was talking too much, meaning she'd added in stage one and collected the trifecta!

Kelly's eyes darted directly to mine then back away as she said, "I-I want you to know I love you. I will never leave you. You are my life now. But you know John was my first love. John was my intended, my first... in everything."

Kelly looked down ashamed of admitting a history that unfolded before I knew her. She said, "I can see where talking about him, reminding you of him and that he was my... oh God, how can I say these things to you? How can I ask you this? You'll think I don't love you, or certainly not as much as you thought, or as much as I should!"

Kelly was now derailed.

You must understand that as bad as all this sounds, when I met Kelly, she a wreck. I helped set her on her feet again. Thus, she trusted me in the extreme and truly opened herself to me, allowing me to see both the damage and the wonder in her. I've never seen an example of such willing vulnerability. I fell in love.

Kelly was guileless. As much as much as my guts were churning, I believed she'd never want to hurt me. So, her warning that she was about to was astonishing. Especially because I knew her so well, I had to find out what had her in knots. The last thing I wanted to do was throw the table against the wall and storm out. We were in completely uncharted waters now. I was completely in on helping the woman I loved, but shear curiosity would have kept me riveted to that table.

Kelly spoke, "Thomas, John left, and I was ruined. You found me, took a chance on damaged goods and rebuilt me. This will seem like one hell of a reward for all you've done. In a way it is, please see that: I couldn't trust any other man to know me so well or be so strong in my service. If your situation was reversed John couldn't man up enough to do what I'm about to ask of you. I wouldn't even make the request of him."

Realizing the disparity of what she was willing to ask of John and me, Kelly rushed to explain, "Please. Please, don't think I respect him more. That's not it. You're just so much stronger in this way." Her eyes clamped shut as her brow furrowed in misery. She wasn't miserable for only herself. Her eyes reopened as she slightly shook her head in a 'no' gesture. Her face was a veritable mask of penitence, "Oh God, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do this wicked thing to you!" Kell acted like a panicked child caught riding a run-away roller coaster, like she had no control over where she was going.

"Tommy please, please, understand me. Even if you can't grant my request, even if you're horrified by it, let me explain it. I want and love you. You've won and will win. But there's unresolved business I must deal with. This isn't what I want. I'm stuck, I need to move forward yet can't. I need to work through this trouble and end it. I have to Thomas, if you allow me."

Kelly looked at me morose about what she was about to do and so worried about what it might do to me.

"Thomas, I NEED to spend a night... with John."

Kelly's eyes shed tears. Her hands unclamped, and she bolted around the table to throw herself at my feet.

Her fingers sank deeply into the fabric of my pants as she implored, "Please can you understand? Even if you can't allow it, please can you understand the request? I can't lose you. If you can't let me, that's the end of it! It's just... I can't seem to move on completely. He left me so suddenly. And now somehow he's back and I can feel him inside me, I truly need to take care of this. I hope you can see your way clear to just... consider it."

She looked down too ashamed to look me in the eye. She was actually shaking. My Kelly seemed about to shake apart.

What was I to do? Kelly was ashamed admitting a pretty huge problem. She hadn't just brought up the problem, but had a plan of attack, and a hoped-for solution. It's just that the plan was horrendous. That she knew it, mitigated our circumstance somewhat. She put it in my hands and was upfront, apologetic, and even ashamed. She knew I'd hate it, but she was transparent and honest. It was crystalizing in my mind that she could have snuck out and done as she wanted, but didn't want to cheat, or do anything behind my back. No, I couldn't be upset with her fealty to me, or how she handled the situation... so far. Honestly, that was probably the larger set of issues. There would be no forfeiture of trust, nor heavy rift from uncertainty about her behavior when she was out of my line of sight in the future. Leaving only the requested act in question, which I wasn't happy about at all.

Kelly still had a wrinkling death grip on the fabric of my pant legs, "My plan isn't to go away with him or stay with him. You are my future. No, that sounds terrible: like I wouldn't take you in a straight up choice. I would every time. You're more than him. And I love you more.

"There it is: there's the problem! Oh please let me say it right." Kelly had said the first statement to me, the second she asked of a higher power. She gathered herself, increasingly desperate to make me understand her frame of mind. I felt for her in this regard. How are you supposed to say something like this to someone who loves you, someone you recently married? Kelly's a smart cookie, she knew you weren't supposed to say something like this at all.

"There's no doubt I love you more, Tommy. You're more dynamic, more talented, more... just about more everything, but that doesn't mean John was a bad man and that I didn't... love him."

Kelly looked to the side disgusted with herself. It was a surprisingly strong reaction. She looked back with eyes brimming with tears of anger and frustration, those emotions were also easy to hear in her voice as she explained, "When I admitted that just now, I felt guilt. I felt guilt for doing that... to him!" She looked down into her lap imagining something I couldn't fathom. Her formerly clamped hands now balled into tiny angry fists.

Her voice sounded strangled as she continued, "That's not right. I am yours! I want to be yours: I need to be yours. I want to excise the parts of me that feel that way about him. When I'm in your arms, I want to be yours completely and think nothing but of you! But Thomas, sometimes lately John has been creeping in."

Kell lifted her head now, jaw firm, and tried to give me a reassuring smile, "To put your mind at ease, it's not like I imagine I'm with him when we're... in bed. It's more like I'm in bed with you and look up and see him. But Thomas, I feel guilty that he sees me with you. Dammit, I'm where I need to be: with you. In that scenario I should be upset at him peeping in on us! See?"

Kelly shook her head and cast her eyes down once more, "I need to reregulate something in my head."

"But Kelly, a night? An entire night?" I was asking for clarification to stay my mind and quell my fears of her wanting him, getting him, and his ripping apart my world.

I was also tremendously concerned for Kelly. This was a mad request. She saw it on my face.

"I-I know," Kelly preempted, her voice full of loathing for what she was doing, "just what a man wants to hear from his new wife." She shook her head. "I'm so sorry. It's horrible! I'm horrible to do this to you." She chewed her lip, suddenly saying in a loudly impassioned cry, "You've given me everything!" She backed off the volume a notch or two, "Yet here I am admitting AFTER we're married, that apparently, I haven't done the same for you. Neither of us wants to believe I've been holding something back from you. My solution must feel like I'm taking a further something away from you, something huge. I swear this is so I can come back to you and be all yours."

When I didn't say anything, Kelly added, "Still, it's the most insensitive, most selfish thing, I've ever heard a wife ask for. I swear it's all to make me completely yours though."

I asked, "Any chance I lose you to him, or that you just decide you can't be with me afterwards?"

Her hands were open and reaching up from my lap to my face, "No. No, I swear. Though a small part of me feared you wouldn't want me anymore after I asked."

"Really," I asked, "only a small part?" Her eyes flared fretfully in response.

"Thomas you've been... more than I can understand. You've been so supportive... through everything. You weathered all my ups and downs with me. Initially they were mostly downs, which I know is the easiest time for you to walk away. From what you've done for me in the past, I knew if I could make you understand my request was so I could be yours completely in the end, that you'd probably allow it. That doesn't sound like a proper repayment for your showing such great consideration of me in the past! I'm rewarding your consideration by asking you for something more, something despicable. Except I also knew you wouldn't want me hiding things from you, even my feelings. This request is not for me to get my jollies, though I'm sure I will have an emotional and sensual time."

Kelly pondered how that might sound to her newish husband. She looked away choking with humiliation and sorrow, "I throw myself at your feet! I'm begging for your mercy."

She looked at me as I answered with an overly considered flat tone designed to take any possible misapprehension out of my words, "Don't stop loving me. That's the most important thing."

I stood. I'm sure I looked like I wanted to leave. I just wanted to walk to gather myself. Kelly brought me up short the way she marveled at me. I couldn't hide the down turned corners of my mouth. Despite my efforts my eyes flashed my disappointment with her statement and frankly with her.

Solemnly but assuring she spoke, though only a little above a whisper, "Do what you need to stay with me, no matter how nasty, whatever you need to stay. I completely submit myself to you. And further..." she said, "... I will do whatever I can to drive this monstrosity out of me, bringing myself back to you 'in toto'. My desire is also to completely commit to you. I'm in tatters that, apparently, I haven't been able to do that. You know me, if I didn't believe I absolutely needed this, I wouldn't have asked."

I answered, "Not that I'm agreeing, but how do you envision this happening?"

Kelly's face flashed from disgust and concern to bright and wondrous, astonished in fact, "You're incredible, impossible, to even talk to me about it! I don't know how I can repay you. I'll give you anything and everything I have. Thank you, just for this discussion, and for not hating me for asking."

Kelly was breathless, "I-I figured I would go to him, w-wherever you decree. This encounter is solely by your permission, so I need to honor you every step of the way in its commission. Please help me. If you want me here because you can control the environment, then that's where, but in the guest bedroom because I don't want him in our bed."

"I understand," I said, still not understanding.

"Or in our bed so you control it. Or if here isn't good for you, a hotel. I was scared to mention a hotel for fear you might think I was trying to forget you by withdrawing to neutral ground. So, my darling, where is up to you."

Tears of both shame at her request and pride in me streamed across her cheeks.

She'd shot all that out, leaving me floundering, "Kell, what precisely is all up to me? I still don't know exactly what you want to happen." Had I just stepped in something serious without knowing?

Kelly nodded her head indicating she saw my confusion and would try to relieve it, "I'm so sorry, Thomas. As you know I've had two lovers, John and then you. You won me and made me your bride, a position I must be soiling now. I'm having a hard time believing I actually asked you for time with John. That's how big a man I think you are."

"But John just left me flat, and now he seems to be back, reaching out to me, sending his tendrils through my being. I don't want him back, but the way he left me... so suddenly without a word, no closure, just gone; his sudden departure left me yearning, longing, and broken. You found me later, bound my wounds, fixed what was broken, and made me whole again. But there was still no good-bye, no closure. I want to end it my way. End it thoroughly and properly with no little cracks or gaps left for him to try to crawl back in through. I want to do this on my terms, my way."

She looked at me with huge eyes pleading for me to understand, "That's cold and selfish, isn't it? That's a hell of a thing to tell the man who changed everything for me, hung the moon for me, and made me a Garden of Eden with his own two hands; risking his own happiness for me.

"In light of my request that risk must taste bitter now. And now I want to do something you can't be happy with, so I can finally give you your due delivering the things I already promised you. I want to take myself away from you for a night and give myself... no, that's NOT right: I do not WANT to give myself to him! Rather, I want to go into that night equals with John and leave him on my terms."

I hoped I wasn't staring at her with an open mouth, "Okay, I see that motivation Kell, but how would it actually work? Describe what would happen. Not the specifics of being with him, rather the plan to be with him. Do you see?"

The lightbulb seemed to go on for her. Amazed, Kelly saw I was trying to find a way to work through what she wanted. If I could understand, then I could decide if I could help her do this insane thing.

"Yes," she hugged me tightly, "I-I feel so terrible doing this to you. Just having to admit that I've already invested enough time and energy into it to have a plan."

Kelly drew back, taking a few large breaths, made a few organizational decisions and stated to unfurl her plan, "It should be a Saturday for the preparation needed, and to avoid being tired from work, so I can put my full energies into... purging him." Kelly wore a sickly expression over how she started to phrase her last message. She started again more slowly, "That would give you and me all day Sunday to set the ship right between us."

Kelly studied me very carefully knowing she hadn't recovered from her almost gaff, "I think it should come after dinner. Maybe I have a nice upscale dinner with you. Then I'll make myself up the way I did for him, the way he liked. You will see it all, I'll have no secrets from you; you will know everything."

Kelly cringed before adding, "Then I'll go to him, meet him in the hotel or our bedroom; wherever you choose."

She put her hand on my chest in a meaningful gesture.

Kelly said of her touching me, "Thomas, this flesh, this body, I need it, but that night," she now clutched her breast with her other hand, "I need this body..." she looked down sobbing now, "That night I need it to be his! I need to invest myself totally. I'm so sorry, I am. I do love you. Please don't think otherwise! Except, I will be with him that night."

I didn't say anything. Even now I'm not sure what anyone could say to that. Kelly understood.

Kelly forced, "This is so terrible. If you want a camera there to watch us or tape for later, t-to search for things in me or my actions, to convince yourself that I am truly yours, that's fine." Now her eyes projected true heartbreak, "B-But I can't have you in there, with me."

Kelly rushed through the next few sentences speaking louder. We were back to stage one: serious presentation affectations. She said, "Your presence would be too distracting. I-I wouldn't relax enough to let him go. So, it needs to be just him and me."

Kelly looked at me like she wanted me to slap her. She was in misery as she spoke the next, "I will have him do all the things we used to do. I will take control of our coupling. Then I will do what I must to be free of him."

Kelly sobbed for a few moments. Then, unable to look at me, she whispered as if I might veto this last part of the plan, "I-I plan to come home to you the next morning."

She was trying to tell me something, but she was falling apart. I sat back down. Kelly stayed pooled at my feet. I held my arms open. Making her body smaller somehow, she seemed to crawl right into my chest. She shuddered and wailed as I held her.

"Well, Kell, I told you I always wanted your honesty. Thank you for not trying this behind my back."

She pushed away and starred at me in absolute horror. The horror laced in her voice as she said, "This is not what a man wants his still newish bride to ask for!" She dropped her head. "This is betrayal enough, more than enough. I couldn't do this without your knowing. And Tommy, I need you to believe this. Even if I could, I would never do this behind your back." She cried and gulped in some air before adding, "Which makes a completely convoluted sense of loyalty. I know."

"Kell, I know his leaving ripped you in half. I spoke to your parents about it a long time ago. I went to your counseling. I promise I will consider your request."

She threw her arms around my neck but seemed worse now. She'd asked for something terrible from what she saw as a good and true man. She knew I was disappointed, even hurt.

"It's horrible. I'm horrible," the tears ran down her cheeks.

I tried to sound laconic instead of depressed, "I figure you want this sooner rather than later."

Kelly's face just fractured. She sobbed looking so ashamed and unhappy she wished to hide herself away. She finally nodded 'yes' up and down unable to verbalize it.

She beat on the back of the chair behind me with her fists. I heard her mutter things through her sobs: how could she be so awful; how could she do this to her knight in shining armor? She fell apart. She didn't deserve me and she swore at John. Why was this happening? Why couldn't she beat it? And now her true love, her knight, knew it all. Now he knew she was far more damaged than he believed when he proposed. Now she'd damaged me too. She wondered in her open supplication if I would stay with her. If I did, would I feel stuck with her. Would I still love her after she does this? How could I possibly still want her?

She called out to the heavens, "I actually asked him! Damn me, why did any of this have to happen?"

I wished I could have given her some answers. I didn't have any. I just continued to hold her.

* * * * *

When I met Kelly, she was far worse than this. I thought we'd put it all behind us. John caused us considerable difficulty. I really thought I'd won and run him off fair and square. I should have known the stupid little shit would pop up again. But only a few months into our marriage was disappointing. Frankly, I did question how important I truly was to my bride.

I tried not to be bitter or self-centered about it. I'd seen her through worse. I wasn't crazy about her request to say the least, but she was my wife and I loved her, so consideration was mandatory. Unless I grew extra brains and soon, I couldn't see a way to avoid this calamity. Kelly was going to spend one last night with John. For a second that tore me up, then I caught myself.

I understood, really understood what she was asking. Could I give it? I'm successful and extremely self-confident, so yeah, I could, dammit all. Except what happens after that? I couldn't see myself being completely cool with it, even if it was never to be repeated! This was an extraordinary situation, however. There really wasn't a way to duplicate it. Though I still might just go bat-shit crazy for a little while. I'd owe myself that anyway, you know? So what's to lose, right? Well, about fucking everything!

I reasoned that the next few days would tell the tale. I'm no coward, so I knew I'd see it through. But damn it's hard to give yourself to someone and believe you really have something, only to find that maybe it was an illusion. I would've sworn Kelly loved me, based on feelings alone I was sure she did. So, I had no earthly way to explain what the hell was going on or what exactly would come of her request. Her reactions to John that night, and to me the next day, would carve this little tale in stone.

I have an old bottle of Scotch I received as a present that I save for very meaningful occasions. I'd shared more occasions with my Kelly than anyone else. Win or lose I reasoned I'd have at least one more meaningful occasion with her. I thought the next time I drank from that bottle might be to celebrate a promotion, a house of our own, or a pregnancy, but not to dull the pain of Kell saying goodbye forever.

There needs to be some consistency in life. I thought I had a lot going for me, the greatest of which was a wonderful caring woman who loved me named Kelly. Now the best I can say is that in a week or two at least the Scotch will still love me. And here's to that!

* * * * * *

Kelly

"Kell's night with John." That's what Tommy and I had taken to calling it. We were talking about it so much it had to take on a name. It was a momentous event, though not a happy one like a birth or graduation. Giving it such a benign name made it sound more ominous to me, but guilt will do that. "Kell's night with John," was a mountain to climb, and the closer we got to it the steeper, higher, and colder, that mountain seemed. This event wasn't eagerly anticipated, it loomed in front of us instead.

John was my first love. I've only had two. I was John's best friend most of my life. I was in my mid-twenties now. I was in my early twenties when John left and had been his best friend for almost twelve years. I was his best friend right up until the night he left me. We hadn't set a date, but presumed marriage, always talking about it as a fait accompli. We just wanted to get out of college first. We were already married in many ways: we could finish each other's sentences, we could tell what the other was thinking, we agreed on styles, religion, and ethics. But heck, we helped develop those likes and dislikes in each other as we grew up. We were made for each other by each other. We'd been lovers for years. He was my only lover. I believed that was true of John as well, right up to the night he left without a word.

So, in many ways the fact that John had come rushing back into my life and that I agreed to spend one last night with him, was nothing to look at twice. With one huge exception: my husband of mere months, Thomas. Yes, that's right, I was married.

When John left me suddenly, I fell apart. I couldn't deal with the reality. I wasn't making any progress. Eventually I stumbled into Thomas, and he helped me. He stuck by me, helping pull me out of my depressed fugue. Tommy helped me rebuild my life and guided me each step of the way. I hid nothing from him. We fell in love. He helped me finish my counseling and get back into school. I'd only gotten a two-year degree before John ended my life. Tommy was a little older and made good money, so we didn't need my income, but I wanted a Bachelor of Arts. I got the BA then the MRS. Talk about bounce back!

Wait, there's more to that bounce back. Growing up with someone you don't reach out and push like you might with someone else. To reclaim myself now I had to. Thomas had been out there in real life. He knew how to navigate life where John and I had blithely blazed our own trail. I didn't know what to do or what I was capable of. Counseling helped but having Thomas there caring about and for me made the difference. He popped my eyes open and showed me a world I wasn't aware of. He did things for me that my John never could have.

It was very hard for me to admit at first, but Thomas was a better man than my first love. Not that John was bad, it's just that Thomas is exceptional. Why he chose someone like me, a person that fell below the mean, I don't know. I had great capacities, but my emotional state was decidedly inferior when we met. He told me to ask him the question I obviously wanted to ask: what he saw in me. He said it was kindness, gentleness, and a great capacity to love. And get this, it breaks my heart to say it now, but he saw in me "a great capacity to be true in an untrue world!" He said he needed something of permanence to stake his hopes and dreams on, and that he found what he was looking for in me. Wow!

Considering what I'd asked Thomas for, the irony was suffocating. Though that's also much of what is driving me to go through with this mad act.

I had this wonderful man who saved me then loved me. We'd been friends for six months as I turned the corner and healed. Then we dated for a year. We'd been married about three months when I'd begun to act strangely aloof towards my hero. I fought my growing concerns for weeks before asking my knight in shining armor if I could have his leave for one night to sleep with my former boyfriend. The premise being to get John out of my system and say good-bye once and for all. Thus, my loving husband loses a fair amount of what is supposed to be his in the hopes of getting back less than he thought he already had! Given the barest examination even those reasons were mostly for me. I will curse myself to my dying day for that.

There wasn't much in this for Thomas. It's not much of a bargaining chip offering to stop sharing my heart with another man after Thomas had married me believing he owned my heart entirely. That's not a negotiation; that's breach of contract. Thomas had given me everything, including all of himself to an extent John never could, and this was how I repaid him.

Perhaps if we weren't married Thomas would have walked away at my request, though I doubt it. Thomas is special in that and many other ways. If someone's in the lurch, he'll stick it out with them more devotedly than a mail carrier making their appointed rounds. Alright, that's a terribly analogy, but all the others I could think of revolved around terriers. In this context any reference comparing Tommy to a dog, especially my lapdog, was as toxic as pure plutonium! Thomas will stick by your side through hail and lightning that would make the brave flee. My Tommy is true!

That Thomas actually considered my insane request, was more than I expected. Then he granted it! We were already married. If this was something I had to do, it should have been done before we wed. Except the problem didn't arise until after I married Tommy. If I had an inkling of a clue this could happen, I would've put off our marriage and gone back to counseling until I was completely fixed. Thomas hated my sudden request, fearing he would lose me.

Thomas mused he might have lost me already. That I just hadn't admitted the reality to myself. Thomas thought, for better or worse, going through with it was a way of speeding up the outcome. If this was something I had to overcome, then we should charge right at and conquer it instead of living in limbo. If it meant our end, then we should stop living the lie sooner than later. Tommy initially hoped that last minute I would come to my senses and bail out. I was in the process of crushing even those few small remaining hopes of his.

I'd coaxed out of Thomas his fear that soon the only thing he could count on would be the scotch his father gave him at his college graduation. Oh, that cut me to the quick. I had to pull myself together fast finding I'd already cut Thomas much more deeply than I thought.

Here's another great illustration of my Thomas. He loved his family. He thrived on praise from his father. His father gave him that bottle of scotch planning that the two of them would have many sips reveling in each other's accomplishments over the years. Then Thomas' dad found out he was sick, and he was gone before Christmas. Thomas stood tall, earning his father's praise one last time over that holiday. He set numerous reminders out for the family of their beloved patriarch. He stood tall for his mom, and siblings, and all the others. He wasn't just their rock for those days: he was his father. He subtly took on his father's mannerisms and stood tall for them. Hearing of his actions left me in awe. At a time when Thomas needed strength, he didn't falter in front of family and mourners as they needed to take strength from him.

Tommy's father passed before I met him. He'd enrolled with the same counselors I used after John left. Thomas still went there to help others deal with grief. I told you he was extraordinary. That's where we met. That's where he started to help me and saw something in me.

Now he would seek me out when he had to mend to his own sorrow, knowing I would protect him until he was recharged and strong again. I was his solace; I was his refuge when he was refuge for all the others.

I knew I could count on Thomas because of all he did for his family and for his father in abstention, and how he'd rebuilt me. Now I was taking his strength and denying him his solace all together and all at once. It was a breathtakingly efficient betrayal. I created a scenario where he feared all he would have at the end was a partial bottle of scotch. I didn't even think to buy him a new bottle, not that he would have wanted it from me if I chose John in the end.

I knew I couldn't have Thomas with me when I went to be with John. Thomas was just so... Thomas. I needed to put my full attention and energy into what needed to be done to say good-bye and good riddance to John. But to be in a room with John and not allow Thomas there was the definition of excluding him! The entire point of this betrayal, the raison d'etre all of it, was to rid me of John so that I could be Thomas' alone. But to remove Thomas first, in order to remove John, so that Thomas could claim the entirety was convoluted at best. I hadn't given near enough thought to what happens after I exclude Thomas. Would he want to come back to me after being treated that way?

I replayed my operational suggestions. It sounded terribly like I was telling him: "Dear husband, I AM going to entertain a past lover. I am going to entertain him AS a lover. I AM going to have him spend the entire night. You have chosen to have him here in our abode, which was yours alone before you married me. Now you are exiled from your bed, your bath, your room, your marriage, and your wife. Because your wife has mandated that another man will be using all your things all night."

By my wish Thomas would not be in the room with me... and John. Oh, I wanted Tommy for support, but I owed it to both of us to take my best shot at this. If I failed, then all the pain and doubt I'd heaped on my good husband would be for naught. If I was going to push my good man to the brink, and possibly beyond, in the hope I would be successful, I had to give it my utmost.

On one hand my plan seemed like the best course for the quickest resolution of my bent emotions. On the other hand, it was a mad scheme designed to bring about the destruction of my marriage. Was there any sense in purging a past lover by making love to them again? The concept made me dizzy, begging the question whether the cure worse than the illness.

I was losing my composure over the same subject that once had me close to losing my sanity. If Thomas hadn't seen me during that time my request would have been a non-starter. The fact that he was willing to go through with this mad scheme meant he saw what I did: my problem was a slippery slope leading to a precipice I may not have the strength to return from this time. My issues with John must be resolved. Saturday night was the way to do it.

I feared Sunday morning though. Even if my plan to purge John was successful, I could accidentally purge myself of my beloved husband as well. The morning after I could be a dirty compromised woman in Thomas' eyes.

I was sure Thomas needed to heal after what I'd already done to him; I was scared to imagine what the actual evening with John may do to him. If he banished me, who will be there to heal him? Who would have that capacity? That I couldn't answer either of those questions screamed I was taking a terrible chance with my spirit and sanity but also those of my husband. In other words, Thomas may be stuck with his last choice for nurse: the very same woman who inflicted his wounds.

I'd tried everything I could think of before resorting to this scheme. Still, how perverse was it that I took comfort knowing Thomas would be in the apartment with us, while I was systematically ripping his heart from his chest?

The condo was Thomas'. He had it before he had me. It was his, now our, sanctuary. He'd taken me in to keep me safe and now I was attacking his sanctuary from within. By choosing to have my rendezvous with John here Thomas felt he controlled the environment, or perhaps removed a variable if things went bad. I feared the sullied wife/sanctuary combo. Nothing makes a home into merely a place faster than an adulterous spouse.

Thomas and I talked about "Kell's Night with John" every evening leading to the main event. It was like constantly hammering away at a rock: eventually it will crack. Which is what I felt I was doing to Thomas. I could see he hoped his dedication in discussing every eventuality my night with John could deliver, would lead me to call the thing off. Except it was the strength of his love that made me decide there was no way I could keep living with a divided heart in the first place.

Which brings us back to the same equation, just with different terms. Will repairing my heart destroy his? I had to rid us of this curse!

* * * * *

The fateful Saturday arrived. Still early in the day I was already nervous and anxious. If all went well 24 hours from now, Thomas and I would have other problems, but there would be only two of us in the relationship. If things went badly there would still be two, but I will have lost my beloved husband for John.

I surreptitiously tried to watch poor Thomas trying to cover his trepidation. I could tell he hated this entire situation, but he never wavered; he'd never let me down. In sort of head coach's way, he asked if I was fully prepared. He was giving me one last chance to back out. I reiterated I NEEDED this, or I wouldn't have asked him for it in the first place.

I explained while I normally don't want surgery, if I had cancer and surgery was the best chance at beating it, then I'd want surgery. It was a good analogy and I was determined to see the thing through.

I prayed he understood that I was anxious about doing what needed to be done, NOT anticipating the evening with John. Those were two very different things. I wanted to throw up all day. Thomas picked up on that, so he knew I wasn't going into tonight with a "Wow, I get to bed another man!" attitude. I hated having to do it, and was anxious to get the game going, but only to get the game over with!

What position had I put Thomas in? Exactly how does a truly loving husband prepare to give his wife away for the night? That duty was all terrible things rolled into one. No words could convey the magnitude of what he was feeling!

Later in the afternoon Thomas grew silent, steeling himself for what the night would demand.

I was prepared for what I had to do. It would take me only a short while to "get in the zone". My physical preparations would take much longer. I had to keep enough emotional distance from Thomas to be able to clear the slate and make John my focus. Which currently left me secretly watching my husband.

Thomas was so distracted. He was being dissolved from the inside out. He'd reach a conclusion that I was lost to him. His body would react by scanning to find me. As soon as his eyes focused on me his brain would catch up again, and he'd think better of it and quickly look away. My heart was breaking for him.

This was my problem, but Thomas was paying for it. I had the toothache, but he was getting the root canal. I was going to have to dredge up some extremely emotional stuff and would be completely involved. While my situation was brutal, Thomas' situation was all the more horrendous as there was nothing he could do.

At the end I would be free of a parasite and able to love my man unconditionally. But Tommy got back a soiled woman that had taken horrendous steps against him. Many women say the joy of holding their baby removes much of the pain of childbirth. There was no light at the end of the tunnel for Thomas; after he suffered all the indignities, angst, and doubts tonight, he will still have to deal with their after-effects tomorrow, and on and on until he masters them. There was no reward for him.

Thomas wasn't building or investing, he was going to the torture chamber for crimes he didn't commit. The best he could do was survive and move on. I chastised myself knowing his worst pain would be tonight, but he'd already suffered getting here; I couldn't let that be for nothing. I told myself that I couldn't pull out now!

Thomas came to me about dinner time saying he wasn't hungry. I was relieved as a meager salad with a slice of cheese was about all my stomach could handle. We quickly agreed to forego a dinner. Thomas looked at me for an unusually long amount of time. I thought he was giving me one final chance to change my mind.

I could barely squeak out, "I have to Tommy. Please tell me you understand."

He nodded his head slowly as he said, "Well, see you tomorrow then." He sadly turned and said quietly without looking back, "I guess." I wasn't sure he meant to say it aloud.

I did something horrible: I let him walk away. Then I did something worse: I prepared to forget my beleaguered Tommy and the weight I'd put on him so I could concentrate on my first love.

Only then did it dawn on me that I might have just told my husband I didn't value the last meal we might ever share together.

End of Part One