SAFEHAVEN Ep. 007: UNDERTAKER

deadmANDROID: Edward Mann aka dEaDMANN

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"Home Sweet Cemetery!"

Kicking back in a confiscated casket Professor Edward Mann embraced his android body's hundreds of technological assets. Hiding out and lying low as his savior Colonel Simon Campos suggested Edward had the brainstorm idea to just play dead. For all intents and purposes, he was. His real flesh and blood body lie rotting back in Pennsylvania at the black site base OASIIS. Only his original body's brain patterns alluded to any form of existence, now mingling with the android's highly advanced computer.

With no family to speak of, all thinking him dead anyway, he opted to lie as low as low could get. Six days ago, Edward snuck into a funeral home overnight here in New Orleans, Louisiana. There he disposed of a lowlife criminal, incinerating the thug before adopting his likeness. He was laid to rest four days ago in Willow Sighs Cemetary after a less than abundant service for Peter Cowles family. In a private joke to himself Edward said, "A bartender, a nun, and a distraught baby sister walked into a funeral home." They were the only ones to ever care about poor Pete. The bartender his former girlfriend, his sister, and a beautiful aunt who stepped even closer to God as a nun. Loved ones!

Once beneath the ground Ed the physical doppelganger had a chance to research Peter Cowles further and discovered that he might not have been so bad after all. His criminal rap sheet was doctored up to appear worse than it was. A cop so deep undercover that he struggled between right and wrong. Edward did apologize for incinerating him. Too late now he performed one good deed before playing dead.

The night before the service he reclaimed Pete's ashes and hid them in the casket padding with him. Roommates in a sense, Ed even began talking to Pete to kill the hours. Accessing any files that the FBI or local police had on the cases he was attached to allowed Ed the pleasure of making things up to Pete the best he could. Always a whodunnit kind of guy Edward Mann loved a good mystery.

Learning of Pete's close ties to a Detective by the name of Marisol Lyte and a cop on the N. O. mads police unit Luther Poe, Ed also did his research on both. Decorated Luther was at the top of his game, bringing down some very bad characters in his twenty plus years on the New Orleans team. Tough as nails he was not afraid to put up a good fight. His father a heavyweight boxer back in the early 90's, Luther certainly had a few bouts of his own.

"Looks like you ran with some pretty decent people Pete. I'm feeling worse and worse for torching you like I did. I hope you can forgive me. If you knew what I'm living... well, afterlife does have its awkwardness. I'm an android here, Pete. Casket within a casket. Bad people will be looking for me too here in a while, so I figured why not just relax down here for a few good years and stay under the radar. You know what? Now that you and I are kind of stuck together, I say we be best buds. Maybe once I feel safe enough to jump this ship, I'll reunite you with your family. They deserve to know the hell you went through living two lives. I... know how that feels actually. Human one day, android powerhouse the next. Us dead guys have to stick together. I was going to start nicknaming my computer Casper, but you know what? Computer?"

"Yes, Edward Mann?"

"I'm going to christen you Pete. In Peter Cowles honor."

"Acknowledged!"

"Dig up any camera footage documenting Peter Cowles persona and adopt his speech patterns. Keep all of his case files with N. O. mad in our closet with the skeletons for future reference. Actually, keep everything we have on Marisol Lyte and Luther Poe too. Even Pete's family and friends."

"Including all paranormal aspects?"

"What? Paranormal?"

"Yes! One of Peter Cowles connections is a gypsy seer by the name of Victoria Charmais, her business name Charm."

"So, he was looking into his future. For all the good it did him. It looked to me like Pete was moving toward schizophrenia before the end. Not only that but he was shooting up. That is never a good sign."

"Perhaps coping!"

"Maybe!"

"Am I still adapting Peter Cowles persona?"

"Only the levelheaded version. I don't want you becoming schizo. Also, let's keep Pete closer to home. It's kind of confined in this casket so let's just absorb the small urn I put Peter's ashes in, inside our body. That way he stays safe until I can get them back to his family. Explaining that will not be easy. We have plenty of time down here to think on how to achieve that goal."

"Intruder alert!"

"What? Intruder?"

"Applying long range x-ray vision. See for yourself." Flat on his back Edward looked up, his eyes piercing six feet of settling dirt to see darkness. Beyond the shadows were two men with shovels beginning to dig up Peter's grave.

"Graverobbers! Great! Can't a guy just relax without complications."

"Apparently not!" The computer's voice altered to that of the late Peter Cowles. "Introducing Pete now. Wassup, Ed?"

"Timing could be better. We need to redirect these guys before they try bringing us up."

"Ghost in the Graveyard."

"Excuse me?"

"Accessing hologram of Peter Cowles body. Allow me to scare our guests off, Roomie. You move Peter's ashes to our torso then I will transplant the urn within this unit."

"Give it a shot."

"No rest for the weary."

"None! It's sad!"

Watching through the thousands of pounds of raw earth Edward was on double duty. His android fingers narrowing and becoming tenacle like moved beneath the padded bedding where the urn was stashed away. In this tight atmosphere it required micro-management. Narrow digits with suction cups to attach to the urn and another set to pry the fabric it was a pretty simple extraction. Done with relative ease Ed placed the seven-inch urn on his tummy. Suit already unbuttoned and revealing artificial skin the urn sank into the body as if quicksand and was enveloped in muscle tissue then redirected flesh. Done!

Up above in the darkness of night the two middle aged grumps were taking turns digging, both wearing infrared goggles to compensate without flashlights. "How do we always get stuck with these kind of jobs? This stinks Alvin."

"Anatomy sells my brother! Creepy as fuck out here. Every time we do this it feels like we're being watched."

"Ain't that the truth." A third voice made both gravediggers blood grow cold. Looking behind them was an astral image of Peter Cowles with his arms folded. Nude, Peter peered down at his penis. "Alvin is right! Anatomy does sell. I know I'm packing." Nine-inches limp that was a fact. "Anyone want to tell me who wants my body?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Shovels became weapons. Alvin Tibbs and Medgar Wank took swings at Pete, passing right through the hologram. "GHOST! Let's get out of here!" Ah, the Big Easy, never short on nightmares. Leaving nothing behind both men bolted through crypts and headstones. Explaining this to their employer would not go over well. No proof! Others would be sent. Easy money lured the weakest of men.

"Worked like a charm."

"Well done!" A feminine voice was heard but no body seen. Computer processing locations of the nearest living person outside of Alvin and Medgar it targeted a woman in black hiding in the shadows. "It is good to see you again old friend. How you managed this I grow quite curious over." Stepping closer without fear was one very beautiful gypsy. "I warned you that your investigations would be the death of you. You never listened to me."

"Victoria! Fancy meeting you here."

"I can say the same. I knew you were well-endowed." She looked at his intangible penis. "A shame we never got close enough to enjoy that. Harlot kept your attentions quite close to the nest."

"What can I say? Charlotte had me in her web."

"Free booze! Free flesh! I can understand why. Charlotte Benson is a very lovely woman. I will look after her for you. Stop in for a nip now and then." She paused him with a finger. "As will others I'm afraid."

"I'm not detecting anyone else nearby."

"That is because you seek the living. He will keep his distance from me. I would educate a guess and say that the graverobbers would have been his next meal, but our conversation keeps him intrigued. Lucky for them."

"I'm not understanding." Pete the computer struggled.

"Vampire!" She whispered! "I believe it to be Largo this round. Darvus must be entertaining."

"Vampires really exist?" This was Ed down below eavesdropping. "Of course, they do. If alien androids can, anything can."

"I sense another." Victoria knelt in her black leggings and ankle high boots. A black leather jacket over a black halter top she looked amazing in her nightlight blend. Long black hair pinned up in a bun accented a tempting neckline. Attractive to a vampire if not for the garlic scent coming from her nail polish and earrings.

"Another vampire?"

"No! Largo will venture elsewhere soon. You are not truly Peter Cowles. Interesting!" Stretching out on her right side in the well-cut grass her eyes went white. Something equally as remarkable as Peter the Hologram suddenly occurred. Her astral form left her body and drifted beneath the rustled dig site. Reaching the casket below she easily entered it to lie hovering over Edward Mann in Pete's body. Eyes open Ed stared into Victoria's ghostly eyes.

"Peekaboo, I see you."

"As I see you. No pulse! I would feel the vibrations of pumping blood. You are not Peter."

"Not technically. Are you an enemy? I hope not." Ed spoke while Pete the Hologram stood guard over Victoria's body, just in case.

Her astral hand touched Ed's belly where the urn had secluded itself. Easing through the android she caressed the urn. "You keep Peter's memory. Thank you for that."

"How am I hearing you when you're upstairs sprawled out."

"Telepathy, just like you. You are not human."

"I used to be. I'm an android now. My human mind inhabits this brain."

"Yet I hear Peter's voice above."

"I just had my onboard computer adopt Pete's voice and memories. Closest way to honor him. I researched you a bit, undoubtedly there is more to the story than your being any gypsy seer."

"Inherited talents! Why do you hide here in Peter's plot?"

"Can I trust you?"

"I cared deeply for Peter, so yes."

"I'm a scientist. I helped reverse engineer this android and twenty-nine others. A military black site stole our lives and made us turn these alien androids into assassins. My colleagues and I were going to be put to death once we finished the job. Four more androids and we would have completed our task. One of the candidates to inhabit the first android, a Colonel with assassination red in his resume turned out to be a good guy just doing his job. It was his warning that turned the tide. He helped us break out but the unfortunate side was as humans we would have just been rounded right back up and butchered. Everyone agreed that to live we had to die. Twenty-five of us, twenty-four aside the Colonel merged our minds with the androids and facilitated our escape. In order to avoid OASIIS, which was the project name, we drew straws to decide who was selected. Dozens of good people sacrificed themselves for us. The Colonel utilized a deadly nerve agent kept on base to give us the advantage. Like the dozens of good, dozens of committed soldiers also died. Escaping we all went our separate ways with the hopes for a brighter future."

"Fascinating! I will keep your secret."

"My name is Edward."

"Edward...?"

"Mann! Ed Mann! dEaDMANN, I suppose."

"Long may you live. I must go. Too long away from my physical form makes it difficult to return. Rest well, Edward Mann. Take good care of Peter. The one here!" She patted his belly then lowered her hand to his inseam. "This one as well." He could almost feel her touch, she his. Intriguing!

"Thanks Vic!"

"Now that sounded like Peter."

"I can be. When I tire of laying here can I pay you a visit?"

"Peter would be recognized, don't you think?"

"I can become anyone I want." He altered Peter's face to look like actor Tom Cruise. "Mission Impossible made possible."

"Surprise me! Goodbye for now, Edward."

"Nice meeting you Victoria."

Above Victoria Charmais' eyes returned to normal, and she sat up. Peter the Hologram smiled then faded away. Rising and brushing her bottom off Victoria started for her car parked outside the gates. A slow stroll she waved about at ghosts who welcomed her visits. This was hardly her first time here; she would often hold a seance for pay to allow family to speak to one another. Reaching her Lexus, she triggered her remote to unlock it.

"Good evening, Victoria."

"It has been. Hello, Largo!"

"I will keep my distance."

"You had better. You know I do not want a fight. One I might just win."

"Nor do I! My brother, I cannot speak for."

"What is it you want? I have a lavender bath awaiting me."

"You are aware that I too am telepathic. I overheard your conversation with, Mister Mann."

"Let him be."

"I would not soil my hands. Darvus however..."

"Would lose against Edward I suspect. You boys might be fast and strong. But I suspect that he might prove to be equal to your threats."

"Perhaps! Have a nice bath, Milady."

"You have a nice bloodbath, Sir."

She climbed into her Lexus and started it up. Pulling away she peered into her mirror. "As if I can see a vampire's reflection." A chill embraced her flesh. "Goodbye Peter. Hello Edward." A smile felt wonderful.

Back at Peter Cowles grave Largo made his way to the site. A second later another shadowy figure arrived. "You heard, Brother?"

"Android! How utterly fascinating."

"Should we meet this, Edward?"

"How about now?" Peter the Hologram resurfaced to face the Brothers Rumm. "If you don't disturb me without good reason or inflict harm upon Victoria Charmais in even the slightest way, I won't get in your face. I just want to be left in peace along with Pete. No birth records for either of you so I presume you are quite ancient. I always thought vampires were just a myth, I suppose not. At any rate, we can be valuable friends or bitter enemies, the choice is yours. Just for the record, in an angelic way I can generate ultraviolet light whenever I want. Crispy or extra crispy? No threat, just a friendly head's up."

Gone before he could say another word. Blink! Blink!

"I knew you two would see the light. Back to reading, Agatha Christie!"

Hallowe'en Party! 1969!

Classic!