Just One Knight Pt. 03

Kelly

I woke the next morning alone yet feeling better, much better. I felt both reborn and relieved. I felt I could almost float. The sensation of lightness was really the loss of ponderous weight. The strange sensation was caused by what I no longer felt: John was gone! My long night was finally over, I basked in the morning sunlight warming my skin.

My body rose urgently on my elbows, pushing my chest and head high. There was no sign of him outwardly either. I lay back still in the light of the new morning searching; the longing was gone, the feeling of being incomplete too. Yes, John was gone. Tears of relief, then actual joy, streamed from my clenched eyes. Thank God!

I was thrilled at what I felt. I needed confirmation of what had been scoured from me. I forced myself to sit up. I was dizzy, sore, and disoriented. Hours removed from our activity the room still reeked of sex. I smelled like my own lust. No, that wasn't it. I never had that much lust in my life; that was the scent of love, both lost and found.

I sat forcing myself to settle down and fight off the symptoms. Lord, I needed water; I was parched. You don't produce that much fluid without taking it from somewhere. I didn't take nourishing water first, there were more important things to confirm. I sought them out: John's clothes were gone.

There was no sign of John in the bedroom. I wanted to shower off his preferred perfume that I'd worn for him. I staggered to the bathroom sore and giddy. There was no sign of John there either. My heart gladdened. Now I drank water greedily. Still pressing the glass to my lips, I looked back through the door at the bed. Even his pillow was gone!

My resulting smile made water flow out the corners of my mouth. I refilled and took the glass with me as I walked around the bedroom taking an inverse inventory of things that weren't there. It seemed with each physical item I couldn't find, there was a corresponding internal one missing as well.

This was a glorious spring-cleaning! I reveled in the absence of John with a greater inward fulfillment than I'd felt at his presence last night. Oh what a wondrous fruitless search! The next shoe dropping made me go rigid. How, exactly, were all the traces of him gone?

A sense of foreboding simply exploded inside me. Oh merciful heavens, did Thomas check on me? Did he watch me this morning? Did he complete the taking away of all things John? Had he watched us sleep together, did he pause to watch me nestled in John's arms? For how long did he watch that? How scorched was the picture of me in his mind? How could I wash that from his soul? Had I pushed him too far?

How could I save poor Thomas?!

How could I have asked for, then done, the terrible torturous thing I asked of my beloved? Thomas gave me this great gift, a chance for me to be whole and free. How much have I diminished him in return? How could I free his heart from the dank dungeon I'd consigned it to? I built a cage for his heart. My Thomas walked into it willingly, for me, because he loved me; and I hurt him in return.

In my outpouring of concern, I hadn't realized the further wonderful transformation: All my thoughts were of Thomas!

I flew from the bedroom ripping the sheets off the bed as I passed. Should I try to clean them? Bleach? Double Bleach! No, destruction was the better option. Why accidentally taunt or tease ... or further damage my good man, Thomas, for only the expense of sheets? I wasn't made of money, but I'd gladly give whatever I had in his service now. He'd willingly suffered for me, suffered grievously and cruelly. He'd been asked for what no man should be asked for. He'd endured what no man should, and only would for love. He'd suffered mightily having seen and heard things no husband should experience.

Damn, I was suddenly a terrible wife!

I ran back into the bathroom, stuffing the sheets in the poor little trashcan, and leapt into the shower turning it to near scalding. My sense of time diluted by exhaustion, I was there for quite a while before I had a terrible thought; did I have marks from last night that would become fixed in Thomas' mind? I hopped back out of the shower and stood in front of the large mirror as it began to steam over.

Looking in the mirror there was a moment of shock. Wow. John smeared my makeup pretty badly, and my hair was a wreck. Then I noticed the absence of some things: on second check there was not much scent of John, not even much of the prevailing scent of my old perfume. What remained was more the smell of active female sex, sweat, and excitement. I looked inward, the traces of John's me were gone too. Very happy, I smiled at myself in the mirror. My old me, John's me, was gone. I didn't even have to wash her away, just the leavings of a freshly ravaged girl. I could be me now, Thomas' me.

Happy tears formed in my eyes as I refocused on the mirror. As the steam obscured my face, I imagining my past life wafting away never to intrude upon my present life again.

As free as I was from my past haunting, my present life may be crumbling. I hopped back in the shower and began scrubbing furiously.

As my panic subsided, I lowered myself to sitting on the shower floor. I cried; not for a lost love, but for my husband and what I inflicted upon him. Had I lost his love?

I knew I was emotionally unstable. It was unavoidable after completely opening myself last night. It was only just that I display this level of emotion for Thomas after unleashing so much for John.

I exited the shower wrapping a towel around me. I steeled myself for what I would find and went in search of the man who had ransomed my freedom with his pain.

I dried myself as I went. Then finally threw the towel away as I couldn't pay attention to it. I had to find Thomas and throw myself on his mercy and heal the wounds I inflicted upon my loving man. My mind raced.

I found him nowhere. Rushing at first, now I was seeking him slowly, thoroughly. What had he seen last night that would cause him to see me differently this morning? I threw myself into my work last night. Holding back would have been counterproductive, and I couldn't ask my husband for this indulgent sin against him again. I had to succeed last night!

Even though the strength of Thomas' love for me seemed boundless, after all he'd given to fulfill my unthinkable request, what would still be left? What had I done to him? I was the luckiest girl on earth, but had I used up the man who made me whole? How melodramatic had I made our lives?

Perhaps Thomas snapped in the night seeing how much his wife had once cared for another man. Perhaps he'd decided I had more baggage than he cared to deal with. There was a strong case I was simply wasn't up to the standard a man expected of a wife. I couldn't blame him for any negative conclusion.

What I asked for, what I needed, added up in every way to a husband shortchanged. The list of conclusions about me were all negative, varying only in degree. Was I unfaithful or only soiled? Thomas couldn't be sure last night would work, yet he gave it to me anyway. There was no way his gift wouldn't hurt him; it too only varied in the degree of magnitude. What was he thinking now?

I should have been to him by now. How long could he last, wondering if it worked? What if it didn't, what if he was stuck with a half wife? What then? This was as lopsided a love affair as ever could be.

I responded to the max last night; I was passion driven in abundance. I was adrift body and spirit. What did Thomas have? A lonely night forsaken by his lover, suffering for his love. Thomas got haunting images of my writhing at the touch and penetration of another man! What a great way to spend the night: specifically excluded while forced to listen and see his wife's pleasure in her betrayal.

All Thomas gets at the end is a wife dedicated to him. That's what he thought he had. It's what he expected. It's what I promised up front before pulling the rug out. No matter how he looks at it I'm damaged goods now. He's a good man, he did nothing wrong. This isn't right. I couldn't have wrecked us worse if it had been my goal.

Damn, damn, damn! My racing mind couldn't get out of its own way. I told myself at least it wasn't divided any longer.

Thomas was nowhere to be found. This place had been ours; fun and light, it was where we made our dreams and started our lives together. How brief I'd made that dream and life. The condo rose above the city, it had such a gorgeous view. It seemed above the fray, until I brought pestilence home, taking it to our very bed.

I walked to the washer. The pillowcase John had used was in there. Thomas had still looked after me, even after I subjected him to last night. I heard myself say, "Please let Thomas be okay."

If Thomas wanted me to wear something different, a leash, or only a smile, I'd do it in a heartbeat, even in public if he wants. My sense of style, of projecting an image to folks just by being seen was no longer important. I just hoped that Thomas still wanted me.

What more could a man do for a woman? What Thomas did for me would look terrible to someone outside our relationship, meaning there was nowhere he could go for a kind word or shoulder to cry on. Hell, most men would have walked away at my request. He went through with it. Not out of weakness - out of love. He feared my mental tension left unresolved would send me back to madness. So, he did it, and with a front row seat.

I stopped cold, there wasn't one iota of longing for John or true sorrow at his absence. What happened was sad, but it was in proper perspective now. The goodbye had worked. Now I could be Thomas' alone. Great, now that I've blown up the simple physical act of fidelity, I can be loyal and true to him forever more, but Thomas will never be able to forget last night.

Love was so simple, just a simple line in the sand, the two of us on one side and the world on the other. My request was to step over that simple line. Because John being male was simple too, because simple acts of love would reach him and allow me access to what I needed. Damn me, what I needed was front and center. This was the last thing Thomas needed. My reflection in that mirror is ugly indeed.

Thomas followed the rules I asked his permission to break. Even for just one night, how do I over come this? Especially with a man who so loved me that he listened to, considered, and granted my outlandish request. What have I done? This was wrong. I may be free of John now, but this was wrong.

Scared to death I wandered through the luxurious apartment, my fear growing as each room held no sign of Thomas.

Something didn't add up. Thomas had been busy this morning, cleaning and clearing away every trace of John. What did that mean, especially as Thomas was gone too? He wouldn't clean up and do the chores before walking out of my life? I NEEDED Thomas and Thomas needed to know that!

Despite the brightness flooding the rooms from the rising sun, my world was turning dark, the colors turned more menacing as they closed in around me. Thomas wasn't here, he was nowhere inside the apartment! His absence was palpable to me. I would never give up on Thomas. Perhaps he hated me now, I would still pursue him to help him overcome what I did to him, just as he helped me regain my bearings after John died. If then he wanted me to go then, I would.

I opened my eyes to find what I didn't want to admit. This was the last room; Thomas must have left. I was in the living area, sided by a glass wall with sliding door that opened to the oversized balcony. Sunlight flooded through that glass wall now as the sun continued to rise. It was beautiful view, a sleepy Sunday morn in the summer, well before the city awoke with its bustle and noise.

The sunshine from outside cut through my internal haze, though I rued the picture it presented: a bright warm world in which I had no place. I didn't deserve it, a beautiful sunbathed world for everyone but me, and worse not for Thomas because of me.

I walked to the glass balcony door. I helplessly surveyed the view of the city and the distant water of the bay; my man was out there somewhere. He really was! Thomas was out there, right there. Thomas was on the balcony!

I'd finally seen him sitting on the balcony. As he looked out over the city and the bay, I was overlooking him! He had a drink hanging languorously from his hand as he reclined slumped on the over-stuffed outdoor couch. He was gloriously naked ... and spent. He was showered spic and span.

I brought John here violating every corner of Thomas' sanctum sanctorum, even the body of his wife. He must have showered as soon as John left. From the looks of it came right out here to be alone with his thoughts after the exile I forced upon him.

I opened the balcony slider rushing to him, coiling at his feet on the cold concrete.

"H-How are you, Thomas?" The meekness of my voice surprised me.

He continued to gaze out over the harbor and bay.

"Thomas? Please, my Love, say anything. Please tell me I haven't destroyed us; or you."

He looked at me strangely relaxed. I looked at the drink in his hand. How much alcohol had he had? There was a quarter glass left which was more than he normally started with.

He read my mind, "I've had a lot, but not too much. It's our best scotch. I felt I earned it."

I forced a smile, "Yes, the scotch still loves you and so do I! Do you believe that?" It dawned on me he'd said "our" scotch. Perhaps I wasn't dead yet.

Thomas motioned for me to come up and sit beside him. I did, longing for his touch, pining for his embrace, but fearing what I'd done to him. I reached for him and drew back again afraid of what I'd find. He reached out with his non-scotch filled hand and pulled me in close. I understood where I fell in his priority list compared to the scotch and dared not complain. I truly feared his motion could cause him to spill. I feared my proclivity to cause him loss. I embarrassed myself by whimpering.

"Don't do that. It's too nice a day. Isn't it a beautiful day?" Thomas observed, having had enough of my wrecking his good times.

The sun was warm but not yet hot. There was still that very early morning breeze. It was humid enough that he didn't seem cold being naked out here. I realized I wasn't cold either and was just as naked. Though we could be seen from a few other buildings the chances were slim the owners would be up this early on a Sunday.

"How are you, Kell?" He asked.

I told him, "I'll try not to cry, but I don't think I can stop." I was losing it. I'd been far too emotional to stop the spigot so suddenly. I was still processing "our" scotch and that he'd pulled me to him. My mind went off-line. If only it had taken my mouth with it.

I heard myself gushing words, "Oh Thomas. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. It was spectacular. I felt it in my soul! And best of all it worked. Thomas, he's gone! It was a terrible thing to ask you for. You were so generous. I can't believe how wonderful you were to allow what I needed. But you did even more, everything you did, all of it; I can't ever thank you enough."

Thomas was silent. I'd rushed too much, had I also been too effusive? Oh no! I meant the compliments to be for his actions, not my intimacy with John! I'd done it again, made my mate pay dearly for loving me. He was my hero, my knight twice over now, three times really if you count his simply agreeing to last night and last night itself as the separate things they really were. He was mulling an idea.

"Kell, I can understand. It was this time of year, and John left you so suddenly, and so thoroughly."

I just nodded trying to show enthusiasm for his understanding, but I didn't become morose at the mention of John's circumstances. That was new and welcome. Better yet, Thomas noticed as well. I thought I saw his face relax just a tiny bit. I'd been sorrowful missing Thomas, then when I found him, I started talking of John. I hated myself a bit that moment. I wanted to finish the mission and focus on Thomas.

"You know it all, Thomas. John and I knew each other from grade school, growing up as best friends. We grew to be adults, though we didn't show it, then lovers. We took a lot for granted about each other's company. Because we were always there for each other we really didn't make pledges or plans for specific future desires and accomplishments; we just oozed into it, presuming how it would go.

"I think my having to claw back to real life after he was gone, was the first time I got a glimpse of being an adult. Meeting you at grief counseling was a Godsend. You helped me set clearly designed goals, and defined values. That behavior makes a very different outlook on life. You and I know how we will help each other and what we mean to each other. We talk about and prove it. It's better, it's stronger than what I had with him, and no offense to John, you truly are better and stronger than he was."

I spoke more softly as I continued, "We'd been confronted by life. Life won't let you stay children no matter how much you want to. I saw more in life while John was perfectly happy as things were. We'd disagreed about it several times recently. It flared up again that night and he left my parent's house perturbed with me.

"We were always honest with each other, if not wise. He proved that storming off on his motorcycle in the rain." My demeanor changed as I remembered, "The semi was huge. There was nothing recognizable left of John. He stormed out and was gone. There was a closed casket. I-I never saw him again after he passed through my door that night. He was torn from me. All my life's expectations gone without warning, and much of me with them. I just couldn't help wondering how much of a role I played in his leaving and how he rode that night. You found and rebuilt that shattered girl. I'd been that way for a long time."

Thomas studied me. John's death would always be a dark memory, but it no longer tore at my soul.

I continued with my focus on Thomas, he noticed.

I said, "I've only really felt myself again for two years. Since then, I've been basking in you. Our engagement, then wedding, then newly wed life kept me gloriously happy and very busy. This was the first time I could look back again, and the unfinished business with John unexpectedly came rolling in.

"I'd dealt with our argument and his leaving angry. I knew it backwards and forwards. But I'd never dealt with John himself. I'd never said goodbye to him personally, not on my own terms."

I looked at Thomas like a conquering hero because he was. I stroked my fingers through his hair, "Perhaps you never should have told me about adopting your father's mannerisms around his funeral to ease your family's loss. It worked again. You were perfect. In the dark it really worked. You did your hair with his favorite shampoo. You smelled like him too with his cologne and products. And you really took the direction and stuff I told you about him to heart. I don't mean to sully him, but in ways, you were more what I wanted John to be than he ever was." I looked Thomas in his undaunted eyes, my own welling with happy tears, "Thank you for cleaning up what was left of John and being my Thomas again this morning!"

He asked me, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." I was a mixture of sad and happy, that's so messed up, but that's also so me. I was sad at John's memory, it was an unhappy ending, though I was happy to have exorcized his ghost. I was delighted to have Thomas back; I was swimming in him and couldn't help but be happy.

Then Thomas went and rocked my whole world. Quietly he asked me, "Do you need to do it again?" I just stared at him. My eyes weren't just tearing; I thought their tissues were becoming actual water. He explained, "Do you need me to play-act being John again?"

My jaw trembled. How the hell could he be so strong? How could he give me so much? Enough of John, someone had to stand up for Thomas. I was ready!

"NO, never again! You stay Thomas! You will never be John again. And I will never touch or think about John like that again!" I put my hands on either side of his face trying to make him understand that it really was over. I gave my best to smile to my husband.

I needed to cover something else before we could consign the aftereffects of John to the deep. "Thomas, you need to know that I would never lie about this next subject. The, um, physical side of being with John was never... as good as last night." I stared into his eyes, "Not even once. Not even close."

Keeping my hands on his face I tried to make love to him with my words,

"My knight has done it again. I've washed my old body scent and perfume off. I've thrown out the containers. My hair is changed back. At least it will be when it dries." I tried again, "It's no longer as he liked it. I've washed all of John off of me and out of my soul, Thomas.

"And Thomas, if you've wondered why I put you through the hell of asking you for all of this: I should have been yours completely all along. I think because of the circumstance of how I lost John, I had to say goodbye to him before I could be completely yours.

"I don't think it's bad that you know exactly what he meant to me. I truly loved him, but it was a young woman's love. You also know for an absolute fact that what I feel for you leaves John in the dust. A woman's love can be just as earnest, but it must be stronger and more understanding, it has to be to overcome the jadedness that life can bring. You are greater than John and all the worldly detractions. You are my choice and it's not close. I love you Thomas, more than I've ever loved anyone!"

Thomas shocked me yet again with his response, "I believe that Kell."

I was shocked at his resolve after everything I'd made him see last night. "H-How?"

He sighed, "I was upset last night. You were getting higher and higher being with him and then it happened. In our prep for last night, you'd been saying daily you loved John ..."

I felt the blood drain from my face. What had I done?

"You were berserk. You'd gone from sexual delirium to practically an epileptic episode. I thought, "Wow, John and Kelly were really made for each other physically, better than you and me. You'd said that wasn't the case, but you were absolutely flying."

I was scared silent. I could hear the heart ache in Thomas' voice.

He continued, "I was ready to fail, Kell. I couldn't stand it. You'd reached a new high and it seemed that your love had hit a new peak. Compared to what you'd demonstrated earlier it was apparent to me that this love was the highest you felt, and it appeared it wasn't for me. You still seemed to be speaking to him, your words eviscerating me.

"Then, with your mind turned off, you hissed a special message. You were speaking your highest truth generated straight out of your heart! I expected whatever you were going to say to break mine to bits. You said, "God, I've never been like this except with you. Oh, it's beyond belief. I-I love you ... Thomas." And you came gangbusters. I swear your words made me feel even more than you were feeling.

"With that you were out like a light. You'd been caught up in it to a point where I couldn't help but notice, and you called MY name, not his." Thomas let his head sag back, his eyes glowed a deep happy satisfaction.

My face became radiant, and my heart almost burst from joy. I said a silent prayer of thanks to God, 'Thank You for taking care of my man.'

"I do love you, Thomas. So much more than anyone ever. I didn't know I could love someone this much."

He nodded encouragingly, "So, when you came to later and told him how much you loved him and made love to him again, I was able to get through it. I thought I would anyway, I mean it was going to me and my body with you anyway. I just feared that sleeping with him, feeling the passion and thinking of him again, would make you fall more in love with him. But then you told him to go away and take whatever part of you he still had claim to with him."

I stroked his cheek, "Baby I can't screw or make love without being fully engaged: I give all of myself. Most of our actions are performed with only part of our brain engaged in the action." My head tilted sideways as I decided how to explain, "But to have that romantic passionate love for a mate and have more than one person there? That's not normal or healthy, not for me. Making love for me takes my involvement to a factor of ten, I could try to drain John out a tiny bit at a time while doing it in the background. But that was going backwards. I NEEDED something special to let me connect and find all of him to ... purge."

"Making love would let it all come to the fore," Thomas said for me.

My teeth ground, "I-I had never come right out and said I was sorry for my part in that terrible evening when John and I fought. He loved to ride that motorcycle too fast. John loved to cut corners quickly, he liked to get close to the trucks to draft them, breaking the slipstream to shoot around them. I'm sure that's what he was doing when something made it go wrong. Maybe his actions were fueled by anger due to our disagreement, but it was his decision to ride his motorcycle that rainy night.

"Then he was gone, and I couldn't talk to him about my part in it. Moreover, I needed to say goodbye. Please understand I never ever thought of saying goodbye to him before he died. The idea of life without him was simply something I'd never considered. I hadn't thought a whit about it, and suddenly he was gone. My support was gone. I found emotionally I was still a kid and less than half the person I was used to being. I hadn't the understanding nor resolve to set a course, grit my teeth, and dig out of it.

"Then there was you. You filled in the missing half of me and taught me the rest, letting me see what I needed to do. I've grown tremendously with you. You didn't want a kid playmate to pal around with. Even sex with John and me was like that. There was a large component of innocence to it, which frankly, was wonderful and very unlike what I have with you. Sex for you and me is life, it's bonding, it's affirmation. But for John and me it was discovery, it was play. It was still kid stuff.

"What we have is better. I like being a woman more than being a girl, and I'll love being a mother one day, though I want to play and live and love with just you a little longer first. Thomas, innocence is wonderful, but to consciously make a commitment and still feel the innocent wonder of it, as I do with you, adds entire joyous layers to it.

Thomas looked deeply into my eyes nodding his understanding.

I continued, "There is one thing I want when you can stand to touch me again."

"What's that?"

"I need you to have me Thomas, however you want to convince yourself I'm yours."

"But Kelly, being with John was your choice. My choice was never in doubt."

"It's my choice that I want you, I do - unreservedly! You have to choose me, Thomas. If you want me, really still want me, for all my mistakes, screw-ups, and foibles: if you still want me, just take me. Choose me." I bent to prepare him.

"Now?" John said as if he'd just confirmed he'd been plopped in a roller coaster.

"Oh yes," I mewed putting him in my mouth, leaving him there like a chocolate dissolving on my tongue. As he responded I began to suckle. With more of his growing response, I began to suck.

Still laying back on the over-stuffed couch, still grasping his scotch, a naked girl who loves him bobbing her head in his lap, Thomas emitted a contented moan.

He asked a question that proved he was always thinking of me, "Wait, it's light out here now, do you want to go inside?"

"No. Let me do this my way, out here for all who care to see. I want them to see me writhing on you, as you cum in me. I want them to see and know I'm your woman! If you allow it, I'll serve you every day next week out here. Just please, sometime over that same week, lay me on my back right here and let me wrap my arms and legs around you while you have me and kiss me."

"Kell, we came at this thing from two different places. I've always known you overthink things. Also, that you really feel what you're thinking. It comes from your caring so much. I've never met anyone who cared so much. I wanted that caring in my life Kell. You came to care for me and that's something I never want to be without."

Thomas was somehow fine. Even after seeing up close how I responded to another man he was fine. Perhaps he understood that deep down I would always know it was still him. It was his body I was responding to, after all. I know he was sweating my emotional health and response to John. Maybe he saw the physical stuff as only fantasy play acting, and some really intense sex with a desperate little cutie he knew adored him. I'd ask later. Right now, I was happy that he was happy, and the wonderful bastard was pretending to mull my new request that my man ravage me and make love to me in return for my servicing him on an on-going basis.

"So, let's see, you'll screw me out here, you on top doing the work, every day for a week ..."

I interrupted his summation, "At least that long, and then every day after that until you get sick of me, or winter drives us inside." Winter was months away.

Thomas replied, "I'm betting on winter for that one." He put his hands up, careful to not spill the scotch. "I'm ready to sign on the dotted line. To clarify, my only requirement is to take you missionary style on the cold concrete once. Hmmm. Okay, you win. I never seem to be able to deny you what you need. I'll do it for you."

I broke into tears because he said was true! I frightened him when I exclaimed, "You DO give me EVERYTHING I need, and so much more!" I was his, body and soul, with no reservations and nothing hidden, as I clamored up to straddled him on the couch. "You give me so much more than a girl could ask for." I ensconced, myself making my words a double entendre.

We both moaned as I sank down on him fully. I started to grind him moaning and shuddered in a sudden climax. "S-See," I smiled. "And now and for the rest of your life I will give you everything you need, and to my utmost ability everything you want. I love you, Thomas. Even more than before I asked you for that horrible favor. You've shown me you love me as much as a man could ever love a woman."

"I don't know," he said. "I don't expect that I have to keep on earning you; I've won that consideration. But I think I'm going to keep wooing you. It's fun, and I think you're a woman worth my striving for."

My mouth dropped open at my loving man. My eyes locked on his. Words couldn't convey my love and adoration for him. There was only one way to do that: whole heartedly I gave Thomas my all!

End