My Late Wife

I lost my wife (who I'll call Bethany) to cancer when she was 48 and I was 47. It had been 7 years of mostly okay time with some fabulous times and a few quite hard months- chemo and all, particularly at the end. Our daughter was a sophomore in college. Bethany was big on zen meditation and philosophy and worked hard to help prepare for her death in a variety of ways including trying to prepare me. A silly one was that we watched "My Life Without Me" where a young mom doesn't tell anyone in her family that she only has months to live. Her bucket list includes figuring out who her husband should partner with after she's gone. (As an aside, she did introduce me to the woman who I married a few years later though not with that intention). We laughed. We cried.

After Bethany died, I went through a good 10 months of grief, feeling dazed and out of it. I was on leave from the startup where I worked and spent an awful lot of time on the couch with my iPad. I started to chat/correspond with some of her friends from college and her life before me. The range of replies was fascinating. From sort of scary indifference on a phone call to a boyfriend she had lived with for 3 or 4 years -even though I had always heard that it ended amicably- to a text chain with a friend from college who had apparently traveled to see Bethany not that long before she died while I was away on a work trip. I didn't know her before and had only heard snippets of what I learned were some crazy adventures when they spent 4 months traveling in Europe after graduation.

The friend came from Toronto to visit me more or less without permission and stayed for something like 8 days. She's married and had teen kids at home and though she is attractive, it did not seem like she wanted to get close to me; just really wanted to help her old friend's husband through a difficult time. It was very sweet. She did introduce me to her friend who lived near us and pleading a migraine, sent us off for sushi with naive me thinking this was just a benign get together. We got on really well and ended up sharing a bottle of Japanese wine. Actual wine not sake! I think my non-threatening melancholy and chatter was a turn on. We hugged for a long time before we got in the car to go home but I preempted what seemed like a likely sexual connection by saying I wasn't ready. I wasn't. I was really attracted to her but felt almost no desire. But I kind of regret it because in the car she said, "this is the story of my life. I meet someone, fall in love and find that I can't have them".

I also wrote to some old college friends of mine who I hadn't spoken with in years including a girl who I never hooked up with other than one summer we hung out while her boyfriend was on a dig somewhere and she gave me the best blowjob of my life. While I was driving. Actually blowjobs are not something I seek out and I used to forward past them in porn videos to get to the fucking but... this one had been memorable including the first time anyone had swallowed. After a series of increasingly intimate texts I told her about this recollection and she asked if I used the memory of that blowjob for "masturbatory purposes".

I admitted as much and she asked if I ever thought she would do that to me again. I said no to which she said her husband and kids were gone for much of the summer and I should drive the next day (4 hours) to visit her. I did. Her family had left just hours before! She had gained weight and had turned kind of matronly but she was still (my penis certainly thought) attractive. I was standing next to where she had lain down on the couch and she said without much preamble, "well, aren't you going to fuck me?". No blowjob. She made me eat her first. Mind you I had had no sex in over a year so I was raring to go and her pussy tasted good. I lasted maybe 3 minutes. We had a fun dinner and I have never seen or talked with her since.

A month or two later I met a woman at a music festival who was connected through a cousin to my late wife and we talked for hours sitting on the grass. Out of the blue, we agreed to meet in Chicago the following weekend and I reserved a small hotel room. The whole thing felt kind of odd but very romantic. We did not have sex, just hugged and kissed on the bed for hours. A few weeks later I went to visit her in Bloomington. She was reluctant to get naked. It turned out she was embarrassed by her somewhat odd shaped quite small breasts (I liked them -I'm a small titty guy). She didn't want to have sex but she ended up giving me the second incredible blowjob of my life and after swallowing and licking said, "I've never done that before!"

As I got to know her I realized that a) my grief and loneliness were driving this relationship for me and it kind of felt wrong and b) I thought there was something incompatible in our personalities. Hard to pin down and though I spent awhile trying, I eventually I had to tell her this wasn't going to work. She too said she had fallen in love with me and her friend had told her never to get together with a recent widower (sound advice!). A year later I hooked up with the woman Bethany had introduced me to some years before. She's 9 years younger than me and has pretty big tits. I like the nipples and will gladly suck them. She's great. We're married and have a 5 year old. She does not seem to believe in blowjobs...