Transformations

this is the beginning of the slowest of all slow burns, that THBGato requested I write. it might take a hundred or more years to complete, but luckily the main character (me) is a witch so that's only a problem for the unlucky mortals who want to read this

- - sorry 'bout that

many thanks to KN2005 for beta reading and editing

and thanks to DawnDuckie for letting me borrow Jenny and Allie for a minute

Chapter 1: Transformations

I might never have done any of this had I not become a witch. And the reason I became a witch is mostly from boredom; well that mixed with a good dose of curiosity.

You know how they always tell you that curiosity killed the cat; and it's well known that witches have lots of cats; and that cats have nine lives. But they never tell you why any of that matters.

I was at the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire one summer, back in those years when I was going to Drexel, where I met Dawn Magdalena and The Unicorn. I was contemplating the advisability of buying a sword when I noticed her standing behind me. More accurately, I noticed The Unicorn.

"Hey, cool unicorn costume!" I commented.

"It's not a costume. This is Magdalena", said the very attractive woman standing next to it.

"You are trying to claim that this is a real unicorn?" I asked skeptically.

"I make no claims. I merely inform you that this is The Unicorn and His name is Magdalena."

Now this is pretty cool, I thought. Granted, conventional wisdom holds that unicorns are mythical because nobody has proven their existence, but absence of proof is not proof of absence, as we all know. And anyway, this babe was hot, and that alone was good enough reason for me to be interested in furthering our acquaintance. Judging by the way she spoke about the unicorn.... OK, she was judgy.

The decision was made, fuck the sword. I'd much rather fuck this babe.

"Pleased to meet you Magdalena," I greeted The Unicorn. "I'm Anna. And you are...?"

"Dawn Magdalena," the hot girl answered.

'OK, both of you are named Magdalena, should be easy to remember then. Can I buy you a hot chocolate? And a...? What do unicorns like?"

"Corn. I think we should be able to find a corn meal muffin. Yes, that will be a suitable pretense, how about we do that."

We found a stand with corn bread muffins and hot chocolate, and I was looking around for a place where we could sit, all the while remarking to myself about the remarkability of no one marking the presence of a unicorn in their midst. It was remarkable. The food court was crowded and I didn't see any unoccupied tables.

"We will sit at that one there, that's a suitable location." Dawn Magdalena was pointing to a table where several seeming college students were seated. As she was pointing, they all got up, cleared off the table much more thoroughly than one might expect from college kids, and promptly left.

I looked at her in wonder, "Dude, that was cool! How did you do that?"

"I'm not a dude, I'm a witch. And that was magic, obviously." She rolled her eyes.

"Right, makes sense, owning a unicorn and all."

"Own?" she scowled disdainfully. "Don't be insulting or The Unicorn will own you."

"I apologize for that," I said to Magdalena penitently, as we walked to the magically vacated table. "I am unfamiliar with the norms and customs surrounding witches and unicorns. Indeed, I meant no insult."

"You are pardoned this one time," The Unicorn did not say, but I did hear.

"And that is precisely the reason why we are here. We've come to enroll you in Root Girl training, and we desire for you to spend your next years learning about that, among other things."

"Why?"

"You have been identified as the next WAWO."

"Yeah, but no thanks. I have less than zero interest in working at Wawa. Nope." I tried to put on my icy glare. Now keep in mind that I was young at the time and had not yet perfected that impassive stare for which I would later become renowned. Even if I'd had, I was dealing with a witch and it wouldn't have worked anyway.

"You misunderstand. I speak not of that gross skanky gas station place, but of a position of supreme importance in our religion. WAWO is an abbreviation for Wise And Wonderful One. But first, you have much to learn."

"I appreciate your consideration, and I am sure that this is a great honor, but I already have enough to study in college. And, not to be rude, but I am an atheist."

"It's not a great honor, it actually really sucks, but it is of supreme importance. And of course I know that you're going to Drexel and studying industrial design. I'd be a really shitty witch if I didn't do my homework first."

"Right. So you want to give me a sucky job. Is it more sucky than working at Wawa? Because why would I work hard to have a sucky WAWO job when I can get a sucky Wawa job without trying?"

"Shut the fuck up with your lame puns, Anna. So what I want you to do is to read this manuscript," she handed me a sheaf of old parchment that I swear she was not holding a minute ago. "Then you will know what to do."

"And what if I choose not to do it?" Did I mention that I was only 19 at the time, and a fool? What incredible hubris, to challenge a 462 year old witch. Admittedly, I didn't know that at the time, but the mere presence of a unicorn (not to mention The Unicorn), should have given me pause.

"Then I would be wrong, and a shitty witch. I am neither a shitty witch, nor am I wrong."

And that proved to be true.

We didn't talk about business any more after that, well other than her telling me the old legends, which I found fascinating. I learned that she lives in Montana, (the one in Bulgaria, not the one in USA), as much as it can be said that a witch who was burned 437 years ago 'lives' at all. It was an enjoyable night. The hot chocolate wasn't that great though, because it was the instant stuff they make out of water and that powder trash, instead of real milk and chocolate.

----

So obviously I read the manuscript, I entered Root Girl training, became a Medicine Mother, took the name Dawn Ralitsa (in honor of the mother of Dawn Poltava), and am finally achieved the status of Witch. All of that is obvious, because otherwise I wouldn't be telling this story. My meeting with Dawn Magdalena was 9 years ago, in the year -89476. and I haven't seen her since.

You all know a good bit of my story from those intervening years, it has been talked about enough. I'll point out one minor detail, and that is that a certain Carina Marie Delvecchio exaggerates unashamedly whenever she isn't outright lying. But it suits my purposes to have her promulgate some fictions about me. All of that is pretty mundane sex, BDSM, torture, a few accidental deaths, that sort of thing, and not worth repeating here. And during those years I perfected my stare, of which I am now quite proud.

And then there was the whole getting shoved in the closet thing. And you know what? That really hurt. I was working my ass off, doing everything they wanted, and then they repaid that by stuffing me in a closet and saying "she broke the story arc." I was devastated.

The circumstances that brought me to Toledo were likewise mundane. I needed a job and they were hiring. And there I met Keisha, who was pivotal in my life. Here I was, a 29 year old jaded witch with blood on her hands, designing fuel tank level transmitters, and thinking there was no more excitement left in life than exploding an occasional building on "Fire and Explosion Day" just for the fun of it. (In case you don't have the calendar handy, that holiday is on 5 Budding VERDANT). I smiled at that thought; Keisha had once said 'you can't just invent a holiday' and yet that is exactly what happened with Fire and Explosion Day. The daughter of our Web Wench was walking home with her girlfriend from dance practice one afternoon in Reading, and a building they were walking past suddenly exploded and went up in flames. Nobody ever proved, or even found evidence to suggest, that the two of them had anything to do with it, but nevertheless our Web Wench invented a holiday to commemorate the event.

About Keisha: she is young; vibrant; energetic; full of life; full of fun; and firmly believing in Love At First Sight, and True Love, and Happily Ever After. It was (still is) adorable, as was (still is) her story. But she hasn't got to the good part of her story quite yet, so no spoilers. We became close friends. That was a hard time for me, just recovering from the closet ordeal, and her cheerfulness and optimism got me though many a dreary time when I was tempted just to explode my apartment building and burn down with it. And she had a group of cute friends, all much younger than me, but so entertaining. No, I didn't have sex with any of them, as everyone already knows, but the change of atmosphere gave me a new appreciation for life.

Thus it was, that I was finally approaching a point where I could accept the concept of love, when I met Angelina. It was at the Center Of The Universe on the Celebration of Ducks, in the year -89467. In other words, a couple of weeks ago. In case you're not acquainted with the precise Center Of The Universe, it's location is on Earth, and there was an entertaining row about that some number of years ago. Now it's obvious that North America is the most important place on this planet, because their dictator is Cheeto. And a town there called Rugby, so named because nobody in the town knows how to play that particular sport, had staked the claim for being the center of North America. And that claim remained unchallenged for 100 years or so. But then they forgot to renew their claim, it expired, and some drunks in Robinson recalculated it and determined that the true Center was right on the front step of Hanson's Bar (which establishment they happened to be in while performing the calculation). The ensuing row drew the attention of the entire galaxy, so Zaphod Beeblebrox commissioned Peter Rogerson to calculate The Center using something more precise than beer and string. But Peter Rogerson merely had to ask Deep Thought, who had designed Earth in the first place. But you all know that part of the story.

The Center Of The Universe (the real one) is a place for witches to gather on important nights, and summer solstice is pretty important. So I was there, Angelina was there, and a handful of tourists were there. The tourists left when it got dark, so when midnight came around it was just the two of us. I'd been led to believe by our Web Wench that this was a well attended ceremony - clearly she is unreliable. Angelina had her rituals, and I had mine, but we were polite and we participated each in the other's. Thus it was that by sunrise we were, if not friends, at least friendly.

Heading south into town, we found a nice little cemetery where we could get some sleep after having performed our ceremonies all night. Because there is no better place for a pair of witches to sleep than in a cemetery. Up until they start driving lawnmowers around. Both Angelina and I were well supplied with provisions, so we repaired to a local park for a small repast and engaging conversation.

"So how long have you been a witch, Ralitsa?" she asked, chomping on a donut.

"Not long that I have been an actual witch, though I have been studying a number of years."

She waited patiently for me to continue.

"Indeed, I had no particular desire even to be a witch, nay, not in those early days. Had I foreseen the circumstances which were later to befall me, then no doubt I would have appreciated the wisdom of the advice I received. At the time, I did not. Nevertheless, I adopted that advice, and my training has served me well."

"It was good advice, then?"

"Not at all, it was terrible advice, but necessary. I followed it only because it was given to me by a four hundred year old witch who had a unicorn with her."

She nodded sagely, "Terrible advice is good for terrible times."

"Aye, that it is."

I finished my carrot and washed it down with a swig of Voodoo Juice. "And you? How long?"

"My entirely life, essentially. I was born into it, going back hundreds of generations. If we recognized the concept of royalty, then I would be it. My name is not Angelina, I use that because nobody can pronounce my name, Tlazolteotl. I am named for the goddess of love and filth. It is a powerful name.

"My people came to this land 50,000 years ago - as an aside, anthropologists don't believe that, because they say they can find no evidence; but we did not leave any evidence for them to find.

"Others have followed behind us, but we were the first. We were never very many, but we built all the sacred places. And I visit them and I restore their strength. That is my responsibility. And you, Ralitsa, what is your responsibility?"

"To tell the stories," I answered her. "To tell the stories of the witches, to remember our mothers that they will not be forgotten. To tell our daughters about us."

Angelina studied me for a long time. "Then you must be wise. Listen, and I shall give you many stories for you to carry."

We talked for many hours, she told me of The Old Ones, of the Olmec, of those who came before. I asked questions, and she explained. Long into the evening we talked. And when it was dark, finally she stood and kissed me.

"It is good for you to know these things, to carry them to our daughters. It is time now for me to go."

She walked westward across the prairie and was gone.

-----

As I rode the Empire Builder east, I reflected on the things that I had learned. And it struck me how shallow and silly it is to name a train "Empire Builder." How ignorant and arrogant of settlers to pretend that they are discovering a New World. I thought of earlier empires who had thought the same things, empires from ten thousand years ago who had lived for thousands of years. And the words returned to my memory "-on dune and headland sinks the fire, lo all our pomp of yesterday is one with Nineveh and Tyre, lord god of hosts be with us yet, lest we forget, lest we forget."

-----

When I got back home I learned about Keisha's 'Cruella Problem.' Everyone knows her side of that story, so I'll tell you what it looked like from my side.

It was not unusual for us to hang out and watch a movie together on a Saturday night, but it was a bit unusual for a Monday night. Keisha had mentioned that 'some friends' were stopping by to visit on their way from South Bend to their home in Ohio. It doesn't require a genius, nor a witch, nor The Unicorn to take the square root of -1 and know that we will soon be at right angles to reality. And by normal, I mean it won't be.

So I was not exactly surprised that Keisha kissed me and called me her girlfriend the instant she opened the door. Nor was I surprised to have my suspicions confirmed when she introduced me to Kate. Nor was I surprised that Kate was being an utter twat. Nor was I surprised that Amelia was pretending that it was not happening. Nor was I surprised when Keisha essentially begged me to rescue her.

So I did.

I took Kate home with me and I dealt with her. Following is the story of how she was dealt with.

After I had her installed in a comfortable recliner with a glass of lemonade, I began her treatment. "Kate, you have been behaving atrociously ever since you broke up with Caroline on May 27th of 2023. Are you prepared yet to acknowledge the truth of that to yourself?"

"What the fuck!?!? How do you know about Caroline? Who the fuck are you anyway?"

"Kate, I will not allow you to harm Keisha, and I will not allow you to harm Caroline. But if you choose to harm yourself, I cannot stop you. Please, consider your behaviour."

"You're a psycho-bitch, do you know that? Who the fuck are you?"

"We shall meditate then, until you are prepared to address the truth."

I then took all my clothes off, lit the candles and the incense, and took up my meditations on the rug in the middle of the floor. Kate, meanwhile, muttered, cussed, stomped around, drank 2 bottles of wine that were in my fridge, and then passed out on my couch.

Next morning I woke her up by serving her a generous helping of Jimmy Buffett at 0500, along with my no-need-to-be-patented-remedy-for-cunts.

"It's revile', child," I yelled compassionately into her ear as I gently dumped a glass of ice water onto her face.

"Fuck! Shit! What the fuck!" she stuttered and stammered.

A mere two bottles of wine really is not enough to cause Kate any serious impediment, so I had no immediate concerns for her well being.

"Now Cruella, please to come through to the kitchen where I have your breakfast awaiting."

As she sat down to a satisfying repast of omelet, Wisconsin potatoes, apple pie, and Kahlua with coffee, I explained to her the situation.

"Cruella, dearest, you are making nobody happy, least of all yourself. It is my sincere desire to help you, and I can, but first you must agree to help yourself. Yes?"

"Sure, yeah. What I'm gonna do is help myself to more of these potatoes, these are fuckin' awesome!"

"Of course they are, as is everything that I do. Are you prepared to let yourself be happy?"

"I'm already perfectly happy. How come you're running around naked, anyway?"

"I am not wearing clothes because it is not necessary for me to hide who I am. If in fact you were 'perfectly happy' then neither would it be necessary for you to wear clothes. But you are still hiding from what you want."

"Who the fuck are you anyway, and what do you know about what I want?"

"I am... many things, actually, but the one most relevant to the current conversation is that I am a witch. But more importantly, a friend of Magdalena - which explains why I am privy to information you thought peculiar to yourself."

"You are seriously fucked up, you know that?"

"I do know that. And I know also that you are seriously fucked up. But luckily for you, I can help. All you need to do is recognize that your anxiety stems from your refusal to admit that you are in love with Caroline."

"What the fuck bitch! Why do you keep bringing her up?"

"Do you need a bit more Kahlua and coffee? It looks like you could use a refill."

As I refilled her cup, I explained.

"Of course you remember the movie that came out a few years ago called Back to the Future, and it's several sequels. That isn't entirely wrong. You have multiple future paths, each contingent upon decisions you will make before noon today. I can give you guidance, but only you can choose the path to your future."

"What's with you? Are you fuckin' Yoda now?"

"No, I am not, but I would not rule that out as a possibility for the future. Yoda, is kinda hot, I would totally fuck him if I had that chance."

Kate busted up laughing and splatted a quite embarrassing assortment of spittle, omelet bits, potato and apple pie all over my cupboards.

"Now Kate, while you contemplate what I have told you, finish your breakfast, and clean my kitchen of... that..." I crinkled my nose and indicated my offended cabinetry, "I will be performing my morning Thanking Of The Sun Ritual." So saying, I proceeded to my balcony.

Some time later I was joined by Kate, who also had divested herself of all clothing.

"So Anna, you're totally a psycho bitch and I can't figure out how you know all that shit, but you're right. And I could... I know I could argue with you about it all day but you wouldn't even begin to believe me, no matter what I say. And I don't believe it either. Anyway, so now what?"

"Now we talk about her, and why you love her. Come." I took her hand and led her to the rug in the middle of the floor. "Sit please, and say anything you want. Say everything that you want."

"Um, OK. So ah, well I was a freshman and I grew up in a small town in Ohio where they didn't have lesbians. I mean that's what everyone said 'we don't have those sorts of people in our town.' Yeah, except for me. Obviously not just me, I'm sure there were lots of other kids like me too, who thought we were the only one.

"So then I came to college with Amelia, she was my friend since like 5th grade. Of course I never told her, I never told anyone, I was scared shitless to say anything. But I think she knew, or maybe she guessed, or something. And she has an older sister who is gay, and is a fucking genius math professor and totally hot. Fiona is the stereotypical redhead, she doesn't take shit from anyone. And when she came out it wasn't even like she 'came out,' she was just like 'yeah I'm a lesbian and what the fuck are you going to say about it?' And nobody fucks with Fiona. So for Amelia, having a gay friend was not a big deal even though I never admitted it out loud.

"I had a massive crush on Fiona. Did I mention that she is hot and a fuckin' genius? But I was her kid sister's friend, so she didn't even know that I existed. I mean, they were in college when we were still in 8th grade, so yeah.

"Alright, yeah, so I was a freshman when I met Caroline, and she was a senior. I was... infatuated is probably the right word. She is smart, organized, friendly, totally put together all the time. In a lot of ways she is like Fiona, except not a redhead. And I was this stupid, clumsy, fuck-up of a kid. I was pretty good in sports though, so I've always been in good shape and I guess that's why Caroline was interested in me.

"But I wasn't cut out for college, and then Caroline graduated. She said she liked me because I was fun to be with and I got her out of her shell, but I always sorta felt like it was mostly more about the sex. So by May of 2023 it kinda fell apart. And on the 27th, like you said, we... I... she... there was an argument, screaming, all that. And then it was over.

"I don't know what I hoped would happen. Actually I don't think I was brave enough even to hope for something. She's way out of my league. I quit college and got a job at a machine shop and found out that I liked that and am really good at it. Blue collar punk working girl in love with a smart and beautiful bank manager - that's going nowhere in a hurry. Dawn told me one time, that's Fiona's wife, she said "sometimes you can't play a violin, and you have to be content with a viola." I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I think it's basically - life sucks; deal with it. Yeah, so that's what I do, play anyone I can get my hands on. Anyway, so that's it. That's the story."

"And now Kate, you are substituting bravado for real bravery."

She looked at me. "I don't know what that's supposed to mean."

"I shall tell you a story about Xhotlatlia, who shall ever be remembered as The Saviour of The Oltletcs People. This story was given to me to carry by Princess Tlazolteotl.

"In the days of The Terrible Drought, all the people were suffering and starving. Every family was hungry, every mother cried for the anguish of her child. Not a single village, nor even a hut, was without pain. Thus it was, that each began to look, from one side to the other, where she could get food for her child. Each thought secretly to herself, 'perhaps my neighbor has some maize, I could cut her throat and take that maize for my own child, then at least we will live. But now, all of us will perish.' Such dark thoughts were in every mind.

"Then a strong young lad stood up and spoke, "I shall lead a war party to rape and pillage all the neighboring villages. And we shall bring back all their young maidens (and also some maize along with the young maidens). But mostly, we will murder a lot of them and then take all of their stuff so that we can have more for ourselves, and we will blame it all on a 'national crisis.'" Many cheers went up for the bravado of the lad, and they named him "Cheeto" in honor of his orangeness.

"But the young girl Xhotlatlia spoke up, 'My family. Verily I say unto you, our relatives in the surrounding villages have less even, than do we ourselves. Why therefore, shalt we persecute and murder them to take that which they do not have? Rather, should we not join hands with our neighbors in peace and industry, to work together and discover a means by which we might all prosper?'

"And thus is was decided that Xhotlatlia was a silly girl and should be made a sex slave to Mr Cheeto. Except that she could run really fast and nobody could catch her. And she ran to the next village over where she met with her friend Allison. 'Hey, Allie, I have a huge problem that I need your help with. Those fuckers over there want to start a war that will destroy everyone. We need to stop them.' So Allie got out her Passenger Pigeons (because this was 12,000 years before the last one went extinct in the Bronx Zoo) and sent messages around to all of their other friends. Just then, Allie's girlfriend Jenny came in carrying a jug of fermented pear juice. 'No way! We are taking those fuckers down!' Jenny yelled.

"'So look,' Jenny explained 'it's all about strategy.' 'Or being sneaky,' Allie mentioned, under her breath. Jenny shot her a look and continued, 'We set them up. We build a fake village, just like in Blazing Saddles, then when they come in raping and pillaging we blow the whole place up with dynamite!' 'Dynamite won't be invented for another 11,900 years,' Allie reminded her. 'Fuck! Who's writing this story anyway?' Jenny glanced nervously over her shoulder.

"And thus it was, that on The Day of Big Beautiful Raping And Pillaging, all of the attackers were descended upon from all sides by all of the other attackers. They did do a lot of raping and pillaging, of each other. And that was fun... ish.

"And so in the fullness of wine (pear cider technically), Jenny and Allie fell into a volcano and were vaporized, to coalesce some thousands of years and thousands of miles later. But Xhotlatlia was honored as the only one who had brains enough to figure out that maybe your 'enemies' don't really hate you after all, and they just want to be left alone. And a dozen thousands of years later, anthropologists would be scrabbling in the mud to find a few arrow heads or spear points about that pointless clash of testosterone, but none of them would hear the contented sighs of satiated bellies and the soft laughter of a happy people."

-----

Kate came back in the room carrying the last bottle of wine.

"We don't have nearly enough alcohol for stories like that."

"That is correct. So while you begin writing your love letter to Caroline, I will procure for us some more wine." So saying, I grabbed my keys and went to the door. Then I remembered that I needed to get dressed first. After which I grabbed my keys and went to the door. "I shall return!" I announced melodramatically. (Dudes, I'm a witch, I gotta throw in the melodrama anywhere I can.)

----

In Keisha's story, I briefly alluded to how difficult it was for me to reconstitute Kate's character from the fragmented shell that remained after her breakup from Caroline. (DawnDuckie hasn't posted that chapter yet, so you need to take my word on this, for now) And it was difficult, not gonna lie. But the worst, the hardest part of that four day saga, the element that was nearly my undoing and caused me to shed innumerable tears, was her spelling.

I swear, if that girl could figure out how to misspell 'cat' she would do it six times in seven different ways. I sobbed, I cried myself to sleep night after night, having been abused by her 'libretees' with language and spelling. I hoped that the 'ugeean see' was deep enough to drown me as well as being not so deep as her love for her deerest Caroline.

'Katelyn dear, is Caroline not worth absolute perfection in every way?"

"Yeah, why? What are you saying?"

"Absolute perfection is what I am saying. Your spelling here, in this one... it is better, it is, but perhaps you will want to refer to the dictionary rather more often?"

"You're saying that I can't write for shit?"

"Technically you are saying that and I am agreeing with it."

It took three and a half days, 'depending on when you start counting,' for Katelyn finally to produce a two page love letter that was free from blemish. (I'm pretty sure anyway. I won't hold myself up as an impeccable editor and proofreader, so I'll not claim it to be absolutely flawless, but I didn't see any mistakes.)

It was an incredibly beautiful letter, by the time we got to the 172nd version of it. But it's not my letter to share, so I'll say no more on that.

What I will say, spending three and a half days writing 172 versions of a letter, forced Katelyn to focus as never had she done before. At the end of that interval, as was my intent, she possessed a heretofore unimagined understanding of her own feelings.

----

So that left us the rest of Friday to make her Magic Dildo, before I had to take her back to Keisha's place.

I had been working from home the last couple of days so that I could help Kate with her project. I had not anticipated it was going to take her that long to write one letter. And did I mention that her handwriting was atrocious? Barely legible. It's a good thing that girl can do other things with her hands and does not have to rely on her writing skills.

So it took me just a few seconds to open a new file in Solidworks, drop in a cylinder, add a few details and show her.

"OK, Katelyn, this is what we start with. Now what special features do you want added?"

"Umm, that's it? It looks kinda... painful."

"No, this is just the start, obviously we will round it off and smooth out the edges, maybe give it a nice graceful curve like this..." I was shaping it as I explained. "And we can add little bumps, or ridges like this if you want... for extra stimulation..."

"So where's the part that goes in her?"

"I expect the whole thing will?" I looked at her questioningly.

"I mean, I was thinking she was going to use it... on me?"

I shrugged, "Doesn't matter to me. We can make it any way you want."

She was squirming a bit, I guessed she might be envisioning Caroline bending her over the back of her couch when she got home.

"Umm, I've never... actually done... used one of those? So, ahhh..."

"Right, OK. So you need to see a few examples then."

I went and got out my collection. I hadn't used any of them in a year or so. Like I said before, I quit all that.

>>[ THE RECIPE FOR WISCONSIN POTATOES

I was taught this recipe by Tlazolteotl. As I'm sure you are all well aware, potatoes are a food that is indigenous to here, (by which I mean this side of the globe {specifically the half of the globe presently referred to as the western hemisphere}) Not withstanding the fact that kartofe c cirena, as which can be had in any mehana in Bulgaria is quite delicious, yet I still defer to my friend Tlazolteotl as being the authority on a plant which her people had invented. This is how you make them:

- in a large water tight basket woven from cattail leaves, slowly roast the flesh of one medium sized muskrat for 3 hours. In case you don't have a water tight basket nor a muskrat, then you can brown 1 pound of pork sausage in a cast iron frying pan (make sure it is a big one.)

- slice, or dice, or both, 3 pounds of potatoes and add to the meat, and cook for another 20-30 minutes (depending on how well done you like your onions.)

- add 2 pounds of onions. it's best if you gather wild onions, but no judgment if you're a white person. add in whatever other spices you like, black pepper is good, also jalapenos, maybe some chives.

- cook all of that until the potatoes have reached your preferred level of 'not crunchy anymore'.

-Then put the cheese on. It has to be cheese from Wisconsin, nobody else knows how to make cheese (unless it would be the Bulgarians with their kartofe c cirena, as already specified, but that's a completely different thing). You probably will need all five pounds of cheese, just plan on using the whole piece. The kind that you use depends entirely on what you're going for here. Now I would use pepperjack, and there's half a dozen creameries around Wisconsin that do it well and have it for about $4/lbm. Sharp cheddar is, of course, perfect but if you do that you probably don't want any jalapenos because you're going to want to taste the cheese. Really, you just need to think about the flavour you're going for and pick your cheese accordingly. Bland stuff like mozzarella is entirely unacceptable however.

This recipe feeds 6-8 normal people, or 1 Kate (with some leftovers for lunch)

END OF RECIPE ]<<

"Holy fucking shit Anna! What is all this stuff?"

"Most of it need not concern you, but let's examine these strap-ons, shall we?"

I had rapidly discerned that, despite her outward bravado, our Katelyn was, in fact, not nearly the bull dyke she wanted everyone to believe her to be. It was adorable. As you've seen earlier, her sex life had started only a few short years previously, and mostly had revolved around her relationship with Caroline. The poor child would have fainted had I told her even the tiniest fraction of some of the things I had done. But I did not.

"So there are a dozen or so different shapes and sizes here. Some are meant for both people to enjoy, some are meant for only one... and then this one: nobody enjoys that. Have you read Hero Worship?"

"Um, books like aren't really my thing..."

"No silly. On Literotica. Hand me your phone." I quickly called up the story. "Here now. Read this and think about how you see your relationship with Caroline evolving."

It was obvious to me that I would get no useful input from Kate about the sort of dildo that she wanted Caroline to use on her. But I had enough experience of my own to rely upon. Thus it was, that I had her Magic Dildo modeled before she finished reading the story.

"Katelyn, sweetie, tell me your email address and I'll send you the. STEP files. Then you can upload those into your 3D printer and make a prototype. Try that out, and let me know any changes you want to make before we cut molds."

"Wow, this is a great story! I love how Taylor is so considerate of Aly, even though she is the Domme. She's so worried that Aly will push herself into something that hurts her."

"Which is what you did, is it not?"

"Huh? What?"

"You. You have pushed yourself into a place where you are hurting yourself. And I am removing you from that place."

Kate scowled at me and chewed her lip, thinking about that. Of course she was afraid to argue with me outright, because at any moment I could pluck any one of those soul destroying monstrosities out of the box and reduce her to rubble. She did not know that I would never do that to her; but I knew that I would not.

"Why am I here? I mean... I don't get it. What the fuck is going on right now?"

"Your soul is bruised, Katelyn. Because you have not properly cared for it. Have you not read the story of Dawn Poltava, daughter of Ralitsa (who is my namesake)? You are in need of healing. That is why you are here."

"No, I'm fine. Really, I don't need any healing of my soul and stuff like that."

"Ahhhh," I groaned. "Why do you children make this so difficult?"

I went and lit the candles and the incense, looked far into the universe and cried out, "Magdalena, I need some help here!"

The Unicorn manifested in front of Kate a moment later.

"Bitch! " He yelled at her, "Why don't you listen? There's a reason why we made Ralitsa the Wise And Wonderful One!"

Katelyn passed out and collapsed on the floor. I don't really blame her, she probably had never seen any unicorn before, let alone The Unicorn.

But I turned to look at Him, "Since when have I become WAWO?"

"At the Celebration of Ducks. Seriously, do you not check the website? Look, I know you were off drinking voodoo juice with Tlazolteotl that whole time, but you could at least have checked when you got home."

"Oh, that's cool, I guess. So what do we do about Kate here?" I pointed at her motionless body.

"When she comes to, give her a shot of Petron and tell her to pull her head out of her ass."

"Petron... " I muttered, under my breath. "OK, Jenny."

Magdalena glared at me, "You got something to say?"

"Yes sir, that is good advice. I will do that." It's a bad idea, a really bad idea, to argue with The Unicorn.

Katelyn regained consciousness a moment later.

Magdalena handed her a shot of Petron. "Here, drink this."

"Hey Anna? How do I join your religion?" Kate asked after she downed the shot.

"Fuck," I put my face in my hands. I generally avoid swearing, not because I have any moral objections to it, I feel that it is unimaginative. Very much over used. But the subject of how to join our religion is a sore point with me. I've argued with our Web Wench for hours uncountable on that subject, and she is intractable. "It's on our website, just go read that. I don't want to talk about it."

"OK then Kate. Now you pay attention to Anna, and pull your head out of your ass, and don't make me come back again. Got it?" Magdalena glowered at her.

Katelyn nodded silently.

"Alright then, I'll go now. There's this thing going on with the penguins that I need to sort out. See ya." And with that He vanished.

"Bye Maggie," Kate waved at where He had been.

A huge explosion and flash of light blasted Kate backwards into the wall (into my bookshelf, more specifically) and half of the stuff in my apartment fell on her head.

"You idiot! I can't believe that you called Him that, and survived." I chastised her as I dug her out of the rubble.

So then we got dressed and I took her back to Keisha's place. Katelyn was grinning and clutching tight her love letter to Caroline the entire way.