An Italian Restaurant

There's almost no sex in this story.

It was a Wednesday evening, so I was sitting in Dino's, my favorite Italian restaurant. It was the sauce I came back for. I forget how to say it in Italian, but it was spelled 'arrabbiato' which meant 'angry sauce' and the owner let me have on any of the dishes he served. It wasn't a fancy place like some brownstone in Boston but in a strip mall in a nearby suburb. Originally it was just the pizzeria next door, at some point Dino took over the adjacent storefront, threw in a dozen tables and started serving Italian food long before I was a customer. And bringing your own bottle of wine was always encouraged.

What I liked best beside Dino was his wife Carmella, who usually left me alone. Carmella was almost always my waitress. Maybe some welcoming words when I came in along with some politeness when she served my food but other than that they left me alone to enjoy my current book.

It seemed that most waitresses or waiters saw a solitary diner as needing some meaningless conversation which I abhorred. Just leave me alone I would plead with my eyes. I had curated a dozen places where the waitstaff sensed I wanted solitude. Although there were a dozen places like this that I was comfortable with, Wednesday was always this place.

Of course, I could have avoided the countless misadventures I experienced by eating at home, I certainly knew how to cook, but when I took a job working from home I needed to get out. It was a way of knowing that the world still moved although mine had stopped years ago.

Tonight was shrimp over penne under arrabbiato sauce. Usually, I had it with sausage, but I was trying to work more seafood into my diet. Years ago, I wanted to end it, to check out, to retire from the human race. I blame winning the lottery as the reason for the change, not enough to retire to an island somewhere, but enough to make that dream a possibility in another dozen years. I would only be fifty or so and if I lived to fifty, I wanted to be active. So, a change in diet was needed especially after the few years of complete neglect of my body.

Along with a healthier diet, I chose jogging, while the cigarettes and pills went into the garbage. Reining in the drinking was hard, but Friday and Saturday nights were the hardest and the only two nights I drank except for wine on Wednesdays. Cooking for one sucked and on most Fridays and Saturdays the restaurants were filled with happy loving couples. I hated happy loving couples, so those nights were usually takeouts with scotch which was now only one glass.

The food at Dino's was delicious as always and the restaurant was empty. I sat in the back as I ate, facing the windows and front door. It was in an old Italian movie that the father of the family always faced the door so he could see the gunmen come in, flip over the table and save his family. There would be no hitmen coming after me and if there was, I wouldn't be flipping a table. Just welcoming the end.

God I was in a bitter mood tonight. I looked at the date on my watch and tried to think if there was any significance to it and came up with nothing. The book I was reading was not holding my attention. I thought of switching to something else on my kindle, but I hate to put a book down, I may have just come across a dry section and needed to plow through. Something that would be easier sitting on my sofa instead of worrying about ruining another shirt with tomato sauce.

And then she walked in, and I wanted to throw the table over.

She was my twin sister, we were best friends for so many years, and I married her other best friend. Amy looked like shit. It had been three years since I last saw her and the years had not been kind. I dreamed of committing suicide, she made a serious attempt. Her husband and her daughter saved her life both physically and mentally. But the physical part only extended to keeping her breathing and moving. Amy had given up eating healthy or exercise or limiting her drinking and was racing to a painful death. She was a dozen feet away and I could smell the odor of cigarettes on her.

Amy sat down across from me, and I signaled Carmella for the check.

"Finish your meal Jack, this won't take long," she said as the tears started rolling down her face.

"I think I was very clear Amy when I said I never wanted to see you again. That hasn't changed in the last three years, and I have lost my appetite."

"Just a couple of minutes Jack, please, for old times' sake or do you still hate me that much?"

"You pissed all over the old times Amy and I don't hate you; how can I hate something that is dead to me, but please go ahead so we can end this little family reunion."

"Your niece needs money for college Jack."

"I do not have a niece Amy, nor a sister or a brother-in-law, just some dead traitorous bastards running around in my history books."

"Your niece never betrayed you Jack and neither did my husband. Not only did I betray you, I betrayed them too, I betrayed them twice. The second time was when I tried to kill myself ending any chance of maintaining a decent paying job. We've been barely able to hold on financially since then and there was rarely enough money to pay the mortgage. And there went Emily's college fund."

For some reason I didn't immediately dismiss her request which surprised me. Amy and my ex-wife had certainly caused a lot of collateral damage and Amy was on her way to her own divorce when she slashed her wrist. Her husband found her and saved her life and more importantly, withdrew his petition for divorce. That didn't help her job prospects though.

We sat there staring at each other, I barely noticed Carmella dropping off the check. Snapshots of the years we brought each other happiness when we were younger flashed through my mind. If it wasn't for her longer hair, people would have thought we were identical twins until puberty took over.

The tears were really rolling now; I could remember a time her tears would cause my own to fall and now I felt nothing but indifference. Not really indifference, I still hated her for helping my wife cheat on me.

"How many times can I say I'm sorry Jack?"

"Fuck your apologies, Amy. Meet me here next Wednesday and I'll let you know my answer. Also, send me what her plans are. I'll unblock you until we finish this."

"Thank you, Jack," she said, and she went to hug me, but I held up my hands to stop her.

Carmella came over, "Was that your evil twin Jack," she asked as she sat down.

I nodded. I had spilled my guts to her one night before I had reined in my drinking. After a few glasses of wine, she looked like my mother so maybe that's who I thought I was talking to that night. It was a month before I could show her my face again. In so many ways she was like my mother, she would just sit there and stare at me until I started confessing my sins.

"You need to save her Jack, because no one else can."

She was right of course, God damn her. Our parents were killed in a tragic car accident a year before the betrayal began. Her husband struggled to keep the family alive, surviving was a better description, one day at a time, one paycheck at a time.

As I reached for the check, Carmella grabbed it away from me. "I don't want your money Jack; I want you to do what you know is right."

I sighed and shook my head, "As one Italian mother to another, I know that's what your mother would want."

I went to say that was a cheap shot but was it really? My mother would have been horrified at the distance between me and Amy.

It was my niece Emily who was waiting for me outside the restaurant the following week. She looked so much like her mother it was hard to remember she wasn't.

After we ordered, she said, "Mom said you agreed to help me with my college tuition on some conditions and that you wanted to talk to me first."

It was so hard to look at her and not smile, but I wanted her to realize how serious I was.

"I looked at your grades hon, the big drop off after your mother's suicide attempt. I expect you to do better than that in college." I thought she was going to start crying.

"That's why I want to go away for college. We all would have been better off if my father let her bleed out. He didn't divorce her but there's no love left between them. They sleep in separate rooms, my mother reads, and my father watches whatever sport is on TV. Every day is the same, they go to work, to the couch, to bed and repeat. They are not really alive anymore and there's nothing I can do about it."

The tears were flowing now. Carmella came over and gave her a hug while staring at me.

"I'll pay for your education, send me the details for your school. I'm sure they'll have a payment portal."

I could feel Carmella's eyes burning into me.

"And I'll try to fix things with your mother."

Emily was still crying on Carmella's shoulder. I didn't think she heard me. Carmella did and she gave me a motherly smile with a tear running out of her eye.

Carmella released Emily and she began to eat again. "Thank you, Uncle Jack, I'm not sure how you could fix my mom but thank you for trying."

Emily went on to talk about her life outside of her parents. She always brought a smile to my face, and I was the happiest I had been in a long time as she talked about her dreams and plans for the future.

The following Wednesday, Amy was sitting on the bench in front of Dino's. I should have expected it.

"Would you care to join me for dinner Amy?"

"Ok Jack, but I really came to thank you for helping Emily."

Carmella brought over two menus, there was a knowing nod between Amy and Carmella, part of that silent language between women. I began to wonder how Amy knew I would be at Dino's on a Wednesday night and how Emily knew what time to be waiting for me in front of Dino's. Was I that predictable that Amy also knew what time I would arrive?

Amy asked what I was having and was there anything else I would recommend.

"My favorite is the penne and sausage under their angry sauce," I said.

"Is the preference for angry sauce a taunt Jack?"

"No Amy, it's very tasty and I have it on most of the dishes I order." I knew Carmella was in ear shot. "Isn't that right Carmella?"

"Yes, he asks for it on everything Amy," Carmella shouted back.

Two weeks ago, I could smell cigarette smoke on Amy from a dozen feet away but today it was very faint. She looked better too, a little less beaten down I thought. She talked through dinner, about almost everything and nothing. It was like she had a list of news items she wanted to fill me in on. Mostly I sat and nodded in the right places. She had almost finished her plate when she began drawing out the evening.

"Jack, will you come have dinner with us on Friday? I'm still a good cook and it will certainly be better for you than that Chinese place you get your takeout."

I was wondering how she knew I ate Chinese takeout on Friday. I put that question in the box with how she knew I would be at Dino's on Wednesday nights. But I said yes.

It was time to go and as we stood, Amy gingerly approached me for a hug. Two weeks earlier I had pushed her away. Today I hugged her back. It was the first physical contact between us in over three years, maybe even longer, probably at my parents' funeral.

After Amy left, I sat back down, my eyes in the heals of my hands wondering what the fuck was I doing.

I looked up and Carmella was sitting across from me, "You made your mother proud today, Jack, your father too. And me."

She went to take the check back, but I snatched it away from her, "I don't like being rewarded for doing what is right Carmella."

"So, you recognize that reconciling with your sister is the right thing to do?"

"Haven't you been orchestrating this whole thing? Having them showing up for here the same time I normally stop here? And how about Chinese food on Friday?"

"Jack, I have no way to contact your sister, or your niece and I certainly have no idea what you do on Friday nights which is always our busiest night of the week."

"Somebody is playing puppet master here."

"If you're doing the right thing, does it matter if someone is helping it along? Or would you rather go back to sulking in your bitterness?"

"I wasn't sulking!"

"Then come meet my niece, I think you'll like her." I shook my head and sighed. Carmella had been inviting me to meet her niece for months. One night the niece was my waitress as Carmella was supposedly sick. She was Italian, I was Italian, but I really didn't pay that much attention to her. Carmella was angry with me for hurting her niece's feelings, I could not remember the niece's name.

I drove home thinking someone had been spying on me and feeding the information back to Amy. My mind hadn't been right in years and now I had paranoia to add to the mix. My shrink was going to have a field day with me on Monday. But I would have to attend dinner with Amy and her husband before them. The last time I saw Joe was at the hospital on the night that my wife's lover was killed in a car accident that almost took my wife's life. Most of the time I wished my wife would have been taken too.

Joe pulled me in for a bear hug before I was all the way in their house. I thought he was going to start crying. Emily's hug was easily over the top. Amy's hug was like almost any hug we exchanged over the years, but she was definitely walking on eggshells. Everyone was, not just Amy, no one wanted to mistakenly lead the conversation into an area that would dynamite the evening.

It was the third time they were thanking me for helping Emily with her tuition as desert was being served that I decided to poke the bear a little bit and said, "I'm guessing Emily didn't tell you there were strings attached to my financial help?"

There was panic on Joe's face, Emily clearly didn't know what I was talking about, and Amy was shifting into flight mode.

"I want you to start taking better care of yourself Amy, I know it's hard. Fucking hard to be more accurate. But you were always my best friend, and I want you to stick around. Remember we promised we would grow old together and be friends long after we could remember who we were."

There wasn't a dry eye at the table. Amy was slipping off under the table when Joe grabbed her and pulled her upright. Then the four of us ended up in a big sloppy group hug. Amy had pulled me tight against her, Emily was trying to squeeze in, and Joe had his big meaty arms wrapped around all of us.

Finally, Amy said, "Why Jack, why did you say that?"

"I've been carrying hate around for the last three years and you've been carrying regret for that long. Neither regret nor hate will help us live to 100."

I felt good on the ride home; lighter is the better way to describe it. My counselor was happy too on Monday when I told him the story.

"I'm glad you were able to move on with your sister Jack, but you won't be fully healed until you address Jesse," he said.

"I'm certainly not ready for that Doc, if it wasn't for Carmella I would not have reconciled with Amy." Then I had to explain that Carmella was my waitress at an Italian restaurant and sometimes my pseudo mother.

The mother fucker had to fuck up my good feeling. Jesse was my ex-wife. I haven't seen or spoken to her since before the car accident that almost killed her. Jesse's last words to me were the lie when she told me she was going out with Amy.

Three years ago, Joe was the first person I called after the police called me and informed me that Jesse was seriously injured in a car accident. Since she was out with Amy, I immediately called Joe who was trying to explain that Amy was home all night. Joe and I realized the lie at the same time. I still headed to the hospital.

I was greeted by the medical staff followed by the police. The medical staff informed me that Jesse had been in a serious accident and was in surgery. Neither Jesse nor the driver had been wearing a seatbelt and were both ejected from the vehicle. The driver died on impact. Both the driver and Jesse were drunk and high on cocaine laced with fentanyl.

The nursing staff handed me a bag with the clothes she was wearing, her purse and her cell phone. The clothes looked like she was dressed to be a hooker at a Halloween party. The punches kept coming.

Joe and Amy came into the hospital; Joe was yelling at her for helping Jesse cheat on her husband. Amy came in for a hug and I pushed her away hard, telling her she was dead to me. I pulled out the micro skirt and sheer top Jesse had been wearing and showed them to Amy and Joe.

I remember yelling at her, "There's no panties in here Amy, there's no bra. You helped my wife literally slut around. How long Amy, how fucking long?"

By that time Amy had sucked into herself, and the hospital staff was asking us to quiet down or leave. I left. I don't know who or if anybody stayed with Jesse. I don't know who or if anybody contacted Jesse's parents, somebody must have contacted them because they came to see me.

They asked me what I was thinking, "This is what your daughter was wearing when she was in the accident with her lover. If you still have questions, I can send you the sexually explicit pictures of Jesse and her lover from her phone. Now please leave my house."

They didn't have any more questions. Somewhere someone told me that Jesse had survived the accident, but she lost a leg and was horribly scarred. I had her served with divorce papers while she was still in the hospital. My lawyer said she would never agree to my terms, she would have to give up everything, our savings, our home and any support payments. Jesse didn't fight any of my terms and signed off without any fuss. Her mother did come by to pick up her jewelry, some of which were family heirlooms. I tried to get her to take Jesse's clothes, but she refused so I sent them to goodwill. That was a year before I won the lottery.

And I prayed that was the end of my life with Jesse, sometimes I prayed it would be literally the end of my life which was why I was seeing a shrink in the first place. And now he wanted me to deal with Jesse. I didn't think there were any questions. I asked him for a few weeks to enjoy and reestablish my relationship with Amy.

Emily called me later on Monday, "Uncle Jack, my parents slept together over the weekend and judging by the noise Friday night, there wasn't a lot of sleeping going on. I'm so happy and I can't thank you enough. And say thank you to Carmella for me please."

"Why don't you and your parents join me at Dino's on Wednesday night, and you can thank Carmella yourself. You know what time right?"

Emily said she would talk to her parents but was certain they would be there.

But I still wanted to know how they knew my schedule and the best person to ask was Amy. So, I stopped by her house on Tuesday evening, Emily must have been out, but Joe was very concerned about my visit, almost as much as Amy.

We sat around their table, "Amy, had did you know my schedule at Dino's on Wednesday and Chinese on Friday."

Amy went into fight or flight mode, her eyes darting between Joe and myself.

"There's no wrong answer here Amy, I just want to know if its Jesse?"

Amy started crying and hid her face in her hands.

"Amy please, this isn't a big deal. I'm not angry at all in fact, it may be helpful if you're in contact with her."

Amy looked at Joe and he gave her a smile. "I haven't seen her, but we text a lot. She started reaching out to me shortly after my suicide attempt. Jesse claimed responsibility for everything that happened to me. One day I mentioned to her about our struggles with Emily's college. She suggested that I reach out to you because you had won the lottery and may be able to help. Jesse told me I should try and talk to you at Dino's, and you were usually there a little after seven to half past eight on Wednesdays. I never asked her how she knew that, and you were there when I showed up at eight. We discussed your invitation to Dino's and my intent to invite you to dinner. She suggested Fridays in leu of your Chinese food. Again, I never asked how she knew."

"I'm sorry I never told you Joe," Amy said and started crying and Joe came over to hug her.

"So, you have a way to contact her then?" Amy stared at me and nodded.

"Please don't say anything to her Amy. My counselor believes I took a big step in my personal healing as he called it by rectifying things with you, as did Carmella. My shrink also said to fully heal myself I needed to address things with Jesse. I don't understand what I need to address, she cheated, she fucked up multiple people's lives and I hate her. Anyway, it's good to know I have a path to contact her instead of trying to catch her following me."

As luck would have it, I got to Dino's way early that Wednesday night and sat in the pizza side of the shop with a clear view of the parking lot. I watched a car pull in and no one got out of the car. Amy and family were just pulling into the parking lot as I approached the driver's door.

I knocked on the window and the occupant lowered it an inch. "Why don't you join us, Jesse?"

"You don't know what I look like Jack?"

"Personally, what you look like may be the least of my problems but let's find out."

Jesse closed the window, and I thought she was going to leave until I heard the doors unlock.

She pulled her left leg, the artificial one, out of the car, then her good leg and followed by her cane. I gave her a hand up. I offered my arm and helped her into Dino's. Amy and Joe were in shock, so was Emily. Carmella was not, she came over to Jesse and offered her help and had Dino bring an extra chair over to the table so we could seat five.

Jesse wore her hair so that it covered the entire right side of her face and she frequently touched her hair to make sure her face was covered. There was some scarring on the left side but the lighting in Dino's was never good to begin with.

Emily spent most of the dinner talking to her long-lost Aunt Jesse. Amy and Joe were getting along good, some playful jokes between them. I saw a tear escape Jesse's left eye and she knew I saw it.

Jesse and Amy were hugging each other after dinner, the first physical contact between the two best friends in years. I was happy it happened. I helped Jesse to her car, and she started talking to me through the open car window:

"We need to talk someday Jack but I'm not ready yet. Thank you for inviting me in, this was a good night, the best in a long time but it has left me emotionally drained."

It might have been the headlights of Joe's car that lit up the damage to the right side of her face. She saw my reaction.

"No seat belt Jack, I was ejected through the windshield leaving the lower half of my left leg behind. Then I face planted onto the pavement which erased the right side of my face including my right eye and most of my right breast. We'll talk Jack."

"See you next Wednesday?"

Jesse smiled, rolled up her window and pulled away.

I was confused when Jesse drove away, I was confused when Jesse first lowered her window. All of a sudden, I didn't hate her, I really didn't feel anything except lighter. Normally I saw my shrink every two weeks, but I called and was able to see him this coming Monday.

But on Friday, I had dinner with Amy and her family again. Things were more relaxed this time, Amy was still cautious but there was clear affection between her and Joe while Emily looked so happy I thought she might piss herself.

Emily was the first to bring up Jesse, "How did you know she was going to be there Uncle Jack?"

"I didn't really know, based on what your mother told me she must have been following me, so I just kept my eye out for a car in the parking lot where the person didn't come in for pizza."

"And you invited her in Jack," asked Amy.

"Yes, and I invited her back for next Wednesday too, I hope you guys will join me. Wednesday's at Dino's and Friday's here?"

"Should I invite Jesse on Friday Jack," asked Amy.

"I'm not sure, I'm not sure about a lot of things right now. I spent so much time hating her and it evaporated when she first rolled down her car window. On Monday I'm seeing my shrink again, usually I only see him every other week but last week he said I needed to address things with Jesse to fully heal. After seeing Jesse on Wednesday, I realized I had no idea what the shrink meant."

The following Monday, I met with the shrink and brought him up to date on Jesse and Wednesday night at Dino's, he wanted to know how I felt about seeing Jesse.

"If I could describe how I felt I wouldn't be here, maybe I felt a lot of things. It was the first time I had seen her since the night she lied to me and said she was going out to dinner with Amy. I expected to be overwhelmed with hatred but all the hate I saved up over the years evaporated. Maybe I felt pity or compassion when she guided the artificial leg out of the car. I felt great watching her bond with Emily and Amy again, especially Amy."

"Jesse said we needed to talk someday but she wasn't ready. I don't know what she wants to talk about."

"She probably wants to explain to you why she cheated on you, maybe make sure you know it wasn't you. Is it important to you to know why she cheated?"

"It was for a long time, maybe to make sure I didn't make the same mistakes again, but now I don't see the point. There's too much damage to restore our relationship and in the last three years I haven't met anyone else I would want to have a relationship with."

The shrink said, "Why she was unfaithful rarely ever matters. Usually, the injured spouse doesn't agree anyway, and it just becomes another argument and a distraction from healing. More often there isn't any single reason. You saw her scars, how did that make you feel?"

"I don't know about that either, I knew she was scarred but I was surprised at the extent of the scarring and I really only caught a glimpse in the headlights. Jesse was a beautiful woman, and she knew it, almost to the point of being vain sometimes. Maybe I felt pity for her."

"You invited her to dinner again at Dino's, are you interested in reestablishing a relationship with her?"

"Fuck doc, if I knew the answer to that question I wouldn't be here. Jesse and Amy were best friends forever and Jesse's infidelity caused a lot of collateral damage. There was an incredible lightness I felt after reconciling with Amy. I'll use the word lightness because I can't think of a better word. Amy and her husband have reconciled and again, there was this feeling of incredible lightness when I see them being romantic with each other. That same lightness overwhelmed me watching Amy and Jesse hug goodbye and then watching Jesse smile after I invited her to Dino's again."

"Could you get past the scarring," he asked?

"Saying no to that question would make me feel incredibly shallow. But I don't think the scarring would be an issue unless we were romantically involved and I can't see that happening."

"So, you're thinking you could be friends with Jesse?"

"I hope Amy and Jesse can heal their relationship and if so, as long as I have a relationship with Amy, which I hope lasts forever, Jesse will be in my life. And therefore, it would be best for all if Jesse and I were friendly."

"But isn't that how you became romantically involved with Jesse in the first place, because she was always at your house visiting Amy?"

"Isn't this conversation mute, I have no idea what Jesse is thinking, whether she's looking for a relationship with me and if so, what kind of relationship."

"Maybe if she hadn't been following you around and had your schedule figured out, I might agree with you. But how did you guys get together if the first place? You obviously knew each other long before then."

"Jesse was almost always at my house. During high school we dated other people but we both went away for college while Amy stayed local. You probably know it's hard to manage relationships in college. There was one girl at college I thought would last but didn't. It seemed Amy and Jesse would usually pick up where they left off. By the college years Jesse had grown into a beautiful woman, and she wasn't wearing much when she stayed at my house. She frequently caught me looking and would smile and was always touching me or sitting close to me. During her junior year in college Amy had become serious with Joe, more as a convenience, Jesse and I would double date with Amy and Joe. I always felt more like a placeholder for Jesse but that went away when she kissed me for the first time. And then we were fucking every chance we got. But by the end of the summer Amy could no longer hide her baby bump."

"Jesse and I went back to our respective schools. I stayed at the college for another two years interning and getting my masters. I just assumed Jesse would have moved on. After being home for two weeks, Amy called me and gave me shit for not calling Jesse. So, I called her, and we picked up where we left off, started living with each other a couple of years after that and then married a few years after that. Five years later Jesse was cheating on me."

"So, you were separated for your senior year and your two years of grad school. Were you dating other people during that time?"

"I saw Jesse at a graduation party on some guy's arm. I didn't date seriously during my senior year, between grad school and my internship there was very little time for dating."

"Did it bother you seeing Jesse with someone else?"

"I'm sure it did, like seeing an old girlfriend with someone else. But at that time, I was only home for a week before my internship began."

A week later back with my shrink:

"We went out to Dino's last Wednesday and Jesse showed up. It was pretty much like the week before with the five of us having a good time. I helped Jesse into Dino's and then back to her car after dinner, we were almost at her car when Jesse stumbled and I caught her. Somehow the catch turned into a hug that seemed to go on forever. I asked Jesse if she was ok and she said she was fine, just enjoying a dream moment."

"What do you think she meant by her last comment," the shrink asked?

"That's what I paying you for isn't it, to help me figure this out."

"You're a smart man Jack, use your imagination and tell me what you think she meant."

"Jesse dreamed of me hugging her again."

"I told you that you were smart, now tell me how you felt when you were hugging her."

"To be honest, I was holding her up, not hugging her."

"Semantics Jack, how did you feel?"

"There was surprise that I wasn't repulsed by holding this woman whom I hated for so long, surprised that I didn't want to let go, surprised how much I liked having her arms around me."

"Do you think there's a possibility of a relationship between you two?"

"Doc, let me tell you about dinner at Amy's on Friday night first. Like the last few Friday's I had dinner with Amy and her family at her house, but Jesse was also invited. Jesse was seated to my right on the same side of the table. Jesse kept rubbing her leg against mine and never passed up an opportunity to touch me, her hand on my arm or on my chest. I helped her get up from the table and she latched onto my arm. That's very similar to Jesse when we were in high school, before the kiss. She would always be sitting next to me and touching me."

"What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that maybe Jesse wanted to get back together."

"Would you?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm paying this high-priced shrink lots of money to figure out. If you asked me that question two weeks ago, I would have laughed in your face. Now I'm sitting here confused."

"I'm not high priced and I am here to help you figure out what you want. I agree your answer to that question would have been a lot different two weeks ago. We could discuss reconciling to the point of being friends, I think that's where you are now. What about more than friends? Do you see roadblocks to fall in love with her again?"

"Maybe I am shallow but the scarring could be an issue, and then the why question, do I need an answer to that question?"

"If she has severe scarring, it may be a jolt when you see it clearly for the first time. That doesn't mean you're shallow. Experts believe that that jolt diminishes quickly, maybe not completely or all the time but it will become a non-issue. We discussed the why question before and I don't find it helpful. In my professional opinion, do your best to let things play out, you may find both scarring and the why question unimportant."

My next appointment with my high-priced shrink was two weeks later:

"How's thinks going with Jesse?"

"Joe and Amy were not back from getting Emily to school so it was just Jesse and I for dinner at Dino's. It felt almost like a date. Jesse said she wanted to talk and started crying. I asked her to wait on the talk. I was holding her hands in mine. She agreed reluctantly. Carmella was hovering over us like we were VIPs. I helped her back to her car and this time we just hugged each other. I have no idea who started the hug but neither of us wanted to end it. And then I invited her to dinner at my house on Saturday evening."

"That's stunning news, before we discuss the dinner, tell me about Dino's."

"We chatted and it flowed smoothly. I asked her where she lived, and she said, 'assisted living.' Jesse said it wasn't that nice but the rent was cheap. She added that it's not the kind of place where she could have a guest. Maybe that's why I invited her to mine."

"But there was no animosity between the two of you, none of the hate you carried for three years coming to the surface?"

"Nope, no animosity, no hate, just two people enjoying Italian food."

"Tell me about Saturday night."

"I made a fish dish that Jesse always loved when we were married, after dinner we watched a movie on TV like an old married couple. Jesse fell asleep with her head on my lap. After the movie, I scooped her up and laid her on my bed and I slept in the guest room. I awoke before Jesse and had coffee ready for her when she got up. She seemed very on edge, wanting to know how she got into my bed, where did I sleep, and then finally she asked if I looked at her scars. I didn't and told her so, the idea of looking at her scars never occurred to me. Then she apologized for falling asleep on me."

"Anything else stick out to you?"

"It all felt so comfortable, that same scenario played out a hundred times during our relationship. The only weird thing was Jesse's refusal of anything to drink. I even bought a bottle of her favorite wine. She said she quit drinking. Jesse always liked to drink, occasionally too much. And those times she drank too much caused a few arguments between us, she was generally a nasty drunk."

"So maybe that's a good thing, so if you guys get back together it's no longer an issue."

"I just don't think that was it, there was something more to what she was saying or wanted to say but I don't think that was it."

And another two weeks later at my high-priced shrink:

"I saw Jesse six times since we last met, two times at Dino's, two at Amy's and twice at my place which is weird because it use to be our place. At Dino's and Amy's, it was just the four of us because Emily is away at school. It brought back memories of when we double dated with them almost twenty years ago. Jesse and I always sat next to each other, and she continued the physical touching including touching my thigh under the table. Each evening ended with a hug between us. I was convinced she wanted to seduce me and she was doing a good job. It all left me confused, there's still hatred for her, especially when she's not near me. Plus, I've gotten more glimpses of her scarring and I'm surprised the doctors couldn't do more for her."

"How did the evenings at your house go?"

"Jesse offered to make dinner the first night, but she also asked if she could spend the night in the guest room instead of having to drive home that late. She said driving at night was especially hard with vision in only one eye. Of course, I said ok."

"On the way over, Jesse called and asked if I could help her with her overnight bag. I met her as her car pulled into the driveway and was expecting something like a carry on, the bag was much bigger and weighed a ton. She gave me a smile as I groaned trying to carry it into the house and then up the stairs to the guest room. I asked how she got the bag into the car in the first place, she said there were always an aide or two at the assisted living facility to help with stuff like that."

"And how did the evening go?"

"Jesse made a pork dish I always loved, after dinner we watched a movie with Jesse snuggled up against me and my arm around her."

"Did you enjoy the closeness?"

"Yes and no, like when we first got together, Jesse initiated everything, she drove the bus, from the touching to the first kiss and then the first time we were intimate. I didn't care then, she was beautiful, and I always had a thing for her. The first time we had sex was a dream moment for me. It's just different now."

"Was there any intimacy between you two on that night?"

"No, but I was left with the impression that it was on the table."

"Would you have stopped her?"

"We should discuss the second Saturday night to answer that question. But Jesse's suitcase was much lighter when she left late on that Sunday. There were a bunch of her clothes in the guest room closet and dresser plus a ton of her stuff in the guest bathroom including a hair dryer. Nesting, she use to call it when we were dating. By the time when we decided to live together back then, most of her stuff was already at my place."

"What did you think when you saw all that stuff there?"

"I was wondering what I was paying you for as I anticipated this conversation. Back after grad school, I was madly in love with Jesse, we had a great sex life, and I liked the idea of her being around more often and moving in. Now I think she's moving too fast sometimes and other times I'm happy to have someone to share my morning cup of coffee with. I've been living alone for almost four years."

"So what happened the second weekend?"

"Jesse left the prior weekend with a nearly empty suitcase and returned with another full suitcase, even heavier than the previous week. I was expecting the handle to come off. Jesse made dinner again and we were on the couch again watching TV with Jesse snuggling against me. She fell asleep again so I carried her upstairs and laid her down in the guest room. Jesse kissed my cheek as I laid her down."

"Sometime during the night, I felt her climb into bed with me. When I looked, she was covered by a sheet. Jesse didn't move to lay beside me but pushed between my legs and began sucking my cock. It wasn't long before I was hard and then she climbed on and slid my cock into her pussy. Jesse always liked being on top when we had sex. She just sat there for the first few minutes, I wasn't complaining. When she started fucking me I naturally went for her tits but she grabbed my hands before I made contact. I had forgotten she said she lost most of her right breast in the accident. I didn't last long and Jesse continued to lay on top of me with the sheet between us. She went back to her room and was gone when I woke up. There was a note on the table in the morning, she apologized for taking advantage of my kindness."

"So, I called her and she said we had to have the talk before things moved any further. I told her I really didn't want the talk but she insisted and we agreed to meet at a park. When she got there she said the following:

"Somewhere when you were a senior or working on your master's degree I was dating a guy named Dean and we started playing around with cocaine and sometimes the cocaine was laced with fentanyl. When you and I got together I tried stopping but would lapse occasionally. It got out of hand the last year we were married and fentanyl had it's claws in me. I was a fool not to come to you and seek treatment. The first time I broke our vows, Dean and I were pretty wasted but that's not an excuse because I got high with Dean again knowing I was going to break my vows. It wasn't an accident that killed Dean and almost killed me. We knew we were hooked and decided suicide was our way out. Since we were blasted, there wasn't a lot of rational thought in that decision. But that's why we weren't wearing seatbelts."

"I don't deserve any forgiveness for what I did Jack. Everyone knows fentanyl is death. I'm on methadone now to kill the cravings which is why I can't drink."

"There had to be a reason why I survived and Dean didn't. I looked at the damage I did to you and to Amy and to her family and decided I had to fix it. I followed you and realized you had become a hermit or a recluse. Then Amy attempted suicide, she survived but her life was over. And even after you won the lottery you remained a recluse. I wished I had died that night as I watched the two most important people in my life dissolve into misery. Or was it more fitting that for my vainness, I was horribly disfigured."

"I had so many dreams of helping Amy. So often I dreamed of you, feeling you touch me. A dream came true when you asked me to join you at Dino's that first night. Another came true when you let me hold your arm as we walked in. But the best dream that come true that night was watching Amy and Joe interact as a loving couple again, you were responsible for making that dream come true Jack. Amy told me what you said to her."

"I dreamed that someday you would hug me again and you did. I dreamed I fell asleep laying on your lap and I did, not because I was tired but because I felt so incredibly safe. So many times you let me touch you, it reminded me of when we were in high school and I was trying to seduce you. And I dreamed we made love and we did last night. Every time a dream comes true, more dreams come and I want those too. I wanted all the things I dreamed but I have no idea what you want."

"I would love to make love to you Jack and not have to cover my ugliness with a sheet. I would love to spend the night with you and not worry that you would be horrified by my scars."

"But I don't know what you want Jack."

"Jesse didn't want an answer, she told me to go see that high-priced shrink and figure out what I want. So, what do I want doc?"

"What did you think when Jesse was making love to you?"

"I don't think I was doing any thinking at all. I was never with anyone after Jesse's infidelity so I was lost in the moment. And afterwards I was wishing I lasted longer. Jesse's late night visit was a surprise but in hindsight maybe it shouldn't have been."

"Would you be horrified by her scars?"

"I think this is the third time you've asked me that question. I've seen more of her scars since we've been together. From what I can see, the right side of her face looks like it melted. I've never seen her topless and she weas a prosthetic to hide the damage to her right breast and she wears leggings all the time so I really don't know what her leg looks like."

"It sounds like she was looking for something when she talked about not covering herself with a sheet and not horrifying you with her scars. Have you asked her to let you see them?"

"No, I haven't asked, like the first night she slept at my house, she freaks out if she thinks I've seen her scars. I think she wants plastic surgery to fix the damage which costs money that she doesn't have. That's the real question here doc, she wants to be able to make love to me without a sheet covering her and do I want to pay the plastic surgeon's bill to make that dream come true for her? And that makes me wonder if she's just being nice to me so she can become beautiful again and then dump me for the next Dean?"

"I'm assuming you have the money for the plastic surgery."

"I might have to push my retirement back a year."

"So, if you paid for the surgery, either she becomes the loving wife she was or she dumps you and moves onto the next Dean, right."

"You're doing good doc."

"So, pay for the surgery and find out."

"I am surprised that you came out with such a strong recommendation, I'm finally getting my money's worth."

"Jack, you were planning on paying for the surgery before you came in here and I don't believe you think there's any chance that Jesse would run off with the next Dean."

"Do you have to take a course in mind reading to be a shrink? But you're right. I have never had to touch the lottery winnings, even with your exorbitant fees and Emily's tuition. The winnings sit in investment account earning more money than I spend in a year so I have the money. And I doubt Jesse would relapse again, all she has to do is look at was is left of her leg. So maybe you are clairvoyant doc or maybe I'm just that easy to predict. I'll let you know how it works out. Afterall we're just guessing here if Jesse really wants to undergo the surgery."