An Exploration Pt. 01

Jessica had been staring over the paperwork for hours. She was looking for reasons not to sign it but kept coming up empty. Still, she couldn't bring herself to admit that a part of her wanted to sign.

It was easier the first time around.

Jessica was settling into what she thought of as her new life. That was probably overselling it a little, but after years of feeling like she didn't have much of a life at all, maybe overselling wasn't such a bad thing. Professionally, the extra work had paid off. She had always been overqualified for her assistant position but never let that get to her. It was a decent paying job when she needed one and she enjoyed the work. She kept her nose down and put everything she could into it. When the project manager position became available, she finally grew tired of her friends telling her to be more confident. She applied mostly to shut them up, at least she told herself that, along with the lie that she wasn't likely to get the job. She would go through the process, politely accept the rejection, and keep plugging along. It worked for her, so why should she expect more? When she was offered the promotion, she had to pause for a second. She was so prepared to hear that it was going to someone else that she never considered how to react when she got it. And she thrived in the role. She was capable and efficient, exceeding expectations out of the gate. More importantly, her new salary and the work/life balance gave her more freedom than she had since college. She didn't need to go above and beyond anymore, to put in whatever extra time she could find. She could go in, do her job, leave, and still be appreciated for what she brought to the job.

Personally, things were opening up for her in the same way, though she was a bit more conflicted about it. Her son, Ryan, was growing up. They had a wonderful relationship, but he was reaching an age where he wanted to start doing more things on his own. Not everything, he was still very close to Jessica and enjoyed their time together. Surely enough though, there seemed to be more times where Ryan was asking to do go out with his friends or with a girl he had met. Often enough that Jessica sometimes felt the absence and had to remind herself that they weren't growing apart, he was just growing up.

Her ex-husband, and Ryan's father Michael, had also moved back recently. Jessica and Michael had kept a good relationship after the divorce. Michael needed to move for work a few years back but kept regular contact with Ryan and would travel back to take trips with him. Either that or fly Ryan out for long weekends or over summer vacation. Ryan was excited to have his father moving closer to home, but with Michael coming back now, it meant Ryan spent more time with his father. Jessica was grateful that she could trust Michael with Ryan, and was proud of the person Ryan was becoming, so she felt ridiculous to complain. Even still, with all of these developments, positive as they all were, Jessica found herself with more free time than she knew what to do with. The trouble with that was, Jessica wasn't sure exactly who she was in those moments. Outside of the office she had always been a mom. And when she didn't have to be a mom, she put in the extra work to get her where she was now. What happened when she didn't need to do either?

It took some time, but the more time Jessica spent with herself, the more she felt she was craving something. She took up new hobbies, started reading all the books she bought and never got to, decorated the way she always meant to. She got a new hairstyle that let her dark brown waves frame her face better and touched up some of the greys that were becoming harder for her to avoid noticing. She even bought some new outfits even though she hated clothes shopping. Trying on outfits was always an awful experience, a string of outfits that never looked as good as she hoped once she put them on. In the end, she decided to just focus on bright colors. Nothing too flashy, just a little louder than what she would normally wear, a new palette for this new version of her. New clothes, new hair, new hobbies, but Jessica still felt like something was missing.

Some of her friends suggested she start dating. She was sexy and desirable and it was about time she got back out there! Jessica appreciated the effort to help her, but none of it felt true. She had always seen herself as kind of plain. Sure, she could pull off cute when she needed to, but sexy? Desirable? That was for someone living a different kind of life, and certainly someone younger and with a look that..."who knows, not my look though" she thought to herself. Besides, she didn't want to get back out there. She was single, but she was happy to be single. Loneliness was a new challenge for her and she wanted to embrace it. But something was missing, and whatever it was calling to her was getting louder.

For years, self-love had been relegated to fleeting moments for Jessica, a bargain about time she made with herself. Skipping shaving her legs in the shower bought her a couple of minutes to run her hands over her body. Glancing at the clock as she got into bed, doing the math of how lost in the moment she could get from the sleep she would need for the next day. Because there never seemed to be enough time, Jessica learned to ignore the urges. The spare moments in the shower weren't always enough, and it wasn't worth working all day with the lingering frustration if she couldn't finish. And the bedside clock always seemed to shine a little brighter, a little harsher when her hands began to wander. A judging eye reminding her that her morning coffee wasn't going to be enough to cover the sleep she wasn't getting. It was easier to stifle the ache when it was first felt.

At least, it had been easier. Now the ache was growing. It was following her around. It wasn't enough to ignore it when she felt the tension in the shower or in bed. It persisted, lasting into the day or keeping her up at night. Jessica felt like there was this other part of her, this piece that was tired of never being listened to and had decided to make more noise.

Somehow this made Jessica feel guilty. Ignoring her body was one thing. Working on not enough sleep? The aches and pains of motherhood that she always pushed through? These were things she needed to be stronger than. Her son depended on her, and they both depended on her career. Compared to that, ignoring her sexual urges was easy. More than easy. To give in would have felt selfish. To Jessica, maybe it wouldn't have felt wrong to give in, but it wouldn't have felt right.

Those arguments didn't hold up anymore. There was no reason to suppress those physical tensions building in her body. And to Jessica, it felt like it went beyond that now. This was a part of her that wanted to reconnect with her full self. Perhaps even in a way that she never had before. She was never one to shy away from her own sexuality or even sex in general, but she never had a chance to really explore it either. She didn't date much in high school and college was only marginally better. When she met Michael, it was some of the best sex she ever had but mostly because it wasn't as awkward or uncomfortable as it had been in previous relationships. Even then, when it came to satisfaction, she preferred herself.

So, that's where she found herself, with herself. It started simply enough. Now she had days where she could take a little longer in the shower or set the alarm a little later, and she took advantage. And those first few times, the relief that came simply from being able to give into the cravings was every bit as good as the orgasms she gave herself. But as the novelty of that wear off, the cravings did not. If anything, they continued to grow. Her body was crying out for something more. Even on days when she could give in, the quiet was temporary. One morning she stepped out of a particularly long shower and turned the radio on as she usually did while she got ready. She listened to the news and the reporter that day had a particularly striking voice. Jessica was still toweling off when she slowed and found herself staring at the radio. She tried to picture what he might look like. He didn't sound like a journalist who would be reporting on... what was this story about? Weather pattern changes? She tried to focus on his words but couldn't stop picturing the man behind them. To her he sounded like pure fantasy. his voice rich and deep. Six foot four and broad. Like he was stepping out of the woods with his arms glistening and testing the stitching on his shirt sleeves. Walking towards her with perfect hair and a strong jaw. His brown eyes locked on hers. Or were they green? As he got closer she thought maybe they were more of a blue? What color eyes did she like anyway?

When the story changed Jessica found herself standing right where she had been, still wet from the shower, still holding a dry towel in her hand, who knows how many minutes had passed. When she felt her free hand moving between her legs, she knew something had to change.

After work that night she stopped at a local sex shop. She did a quick search online and found one with great reviews. Locally owned, it seemed like the kind of place she could talk to someone and maybe get some advice, and that's exactly what she did. There were two women working there, a cute twenty-something and someone who seemed to be maybe a few years older than Jessica. She thought about talking to the younger of the two. There was something about her Jessica found thrilling. Young and fit and cool, someone Jessica would have liked to have been when she was younger. Whatever pull she had on Jessica though wasn't enough to make her feel good about going up to someone probably fifteen years younger than her and asking her what would feel good in her vagina. She found the older woman, who happened to be the owner, and was immediately put at ease. She seemed to recognize what Jessica was going through and after a few questions and talk of a budget for the day, Jessica was being rung out for a small bullet ("great when you don't have a lot of time but want a little help," though Jessica was sold when she heard "this one is great in the shower!"), and a personal massager. When Jessica told the shop owner that she never used one before and didn't know what a magic wand was, she swore the owner was smirking when she handed it to her. "This is what you're looking for" she said, the joy in her voice that comes from knowing something the other person hasn't realized yet.

Jessica got home and took the items out of the bag, along with the receipt and some kind of flyer she didn't realize she had been given. She plugged in the wand, turned the fan on, undressed, and got into bed. She left the lights on because in her mind, this was less an intimate moment with herself and more of a learning expedition. She wanted to see what she was doing and figure this out, then she would fully explore.

So far, seemed easy enough. One switch, three settings: Low, Off, High. She switched it to low and felt the hum in her hands. The force of it sent an anticipatory wave through her. She switched it off, placed the smooth head between her legs and positioned herself against it, and switched it back to low.

The next split second was a blur. Her whole body reacted on impulse, her hand switching it off and moving the wand away from herself while her whole body jumped up in the opposite direction. Her lungs emptied and she took a moment to catch her breath. Was that terrible? Did it hurt? Did she break anything?

No. She was okay. More than that, it might have not been terrible. It might have been... good. Jessica just wasn't ready. She wasn't going to make that mistake again.

She got up and turned the lights off and got back into bed. Jessica was ready to treat her body as a sexual one, but looking at herself while she did it was too much to ask. She settled into the bed and the darkness and let her hands slowly drift over her skin. In the dark, her thighs felt smoother against her fingertips than she expected. Without staring at herself in judgment, the extra weight she was always telling herself she needed to lose didn't capture her focus. Rather, touching these areas allowed the rest of her to relax. The pouch of her belly was something she suddenly enjoyed in a way completely contrary to how she felt looking at it. She pressed gently into the softness of it and felt warmth radiate outward from that point. She kept exploring and took her breasts into her hands. Jessica would barely even look at herself without a bra on. All could see was how they had fallen from the firm chest of her youth. But in the darkness, in her hands, they weren't older or sagging. They were full in a way she never noticed before. The weight that she only saw as pulling them down now felt like something significant, something to celebrate. She squeezed them deeply and found herself wishing she had larger hands to cup herself more fully. She brushed over her nipples before pinching one between her fingers. She rolled her fingers until the twist sent a sharp note through her. When she realized the sensation travelled not to her head but rather down between her legs, she squeezed a little harder.

She felt the warmth growing between her legs and let one hand drift across her stomach and into the hair above her pussy. Swirling her fingers there, nails gently scratching the skin, her body began to shift and roll back against her hands, reacting to her touch and guiding them where she ached to be touched next. She slid her hand down and let her fingers position over her clit. Soft, slow circles that fell into the rhythm her other hand had already found on her tits. She stayed like this for a moment, almost forgetting about anything else. Adjusting her own speed and pressure without conscious effort, letting her body speak to itself for a bit.

Eventually, her body wanted more. Her hand pushed downwards until her fingertips reached the softest part of her and slipped inside her. She had never felt herself this wet before. Her pussy pulled her fingers in, her thighs rocking against the pressure. Jessica felt her breath quicken. Her body was getting impatient, feeling everything. The breeze of the fan, the way the sheets moved underneath her. Every sensation was part of this experience now, and Jessica wanted more. She moved faster, pulling her fingers out and sucking on them. The sweet taste of herself pushed her further towards what was building inside her. She quickly slid her fingers back inside her. It wasn't the same, she needed to turn up the intensity. She rolled onto her stomach. She kept her fingers working inside her but now could push her own weight back against them. She buried her face into the pillow and moaned out as she squeezed her thighs into the pressure of her hand. "Fuck!" she pushed out through clenched teeth as she put a third finger inside her. She could feel herself getting closer. She was ready.

She took her hand off her breast and reached down for the wand. She was shaking and almost knocked it off the bed. "No," she thought to herself, "you're not losing this." She found it and quickly pushed it between her legs. She pulled her fingers out so she could press her pussy against the head of the wand. Her body was just as much control as she was and quickly arched into the pressure until it was almost unbearable. Jessica found the switch, and turned it on.

Jessica clenched her eyes and saw white. Every muscle in her body locked and shook, out of her control. Her hips pressed forward, her hand fighting back, trapping the wand in place while Jessica cried out into the mattress. Wave after wave flooded her body. She struggled to catch her breath but begged for it not to end. She found her breast and clenched it, digging her nails in, the pain keeping the convulsions moving through her. The head of the wand was almost inside of her, the width of it more than she could take but enough to keep her from thinking clearly. When it finally ended, she was sweaty and panting. Her muscles ached. Her hand and the wand sat in a puddle she didn't realize she was making at the time. She laughed. The kind of laugh when an unbearable tension finally breaks. Jessica pulled her thoughts back into her body and fully realized everything that had happened. And that she wanted more.

Eventually she got up to change the sheets and take a quick shower before bed. She couldn't remember the last time she felt this relaxed, but also excited. She felt like something had opened up within her. Like she had started a conversation with this part of her that was calling out, listened to it, heard this part of her, and found out she had more to say. She stepped out of the shower and saw herself in the mirror and for the first time in a long time, allowed herself to look at her own body. Still herself, still showing signs of age, still holding weight she put on over the years. Maybe she didn't love it, but she looked at herself with acceptance. And a feeling that maybe she could love it.

Before she got back into bed, she threw away the bag and the receipt that had still been sitting on her nightstand. When she did, the flyer she ignored previously fell out to the floor. She picked it up, and for the first time realized what it was.