"Your Wife was Dead on Arrival."

To those who trust

---[]---

"I'm very sorry, Jim, but Emily was declared dead on arrival here at the hospital."

"Why did she die?"

"We don't know yet, but there will be a full autopsy."

"Is that necessary?"

"It's required in a death like this, but you should want this."

"Why?"

Doctor Hollander put his hand on my shoulder.

"Jim, I have a hunch about her death, but the police are always paying attention with an unexplained death at a young age."

"They think I killed her? We were only married for three months. She was the love of my life."

"I know that, and I'm confident the autopsy will lay that to rest. I'll know in a few days. Now go home and get some rest."

---[]---

My alarm went off as usual that morning. Emily and I made love the night before and she was still asleep---I thought.

I leaned over to kiss her shoulder and was shocked to find she was cold. What followed is now a blur. The EMTs, their quick check for vitals and loading her into their vehicle.

"We're headed for County General. Emergency. Do you want to drive yourself?"

That's where I was when Dr. Hollander came to find me. He'd been our next-door neighbor all my life---all 22 years. He was even at our wedding.

Mom and Dad arrived at the hospital just after me. Mom was on the phone with Emily's mother---June and Monty were in Europe for another few days.

Dad put his arm over my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, son."

I was still in shock, but I sensed it was going to hit me hard later. Right now, I needed to get out of there.

---[]---

A couple of days later, I got the news.

"Jim, it's Doc. I wanted to let you know the results of the autopsy are in. It was what I suspected. She died in her sleep from a previously undiagnosed heart defect. Your wife died of SADS. You can Google it."

With that closure, I had a funeral to plan.

---[]---

The next two months was a period of my life I'd like to forget. After the funeral, I was back at work---at least I was physically present.

An actuarial student is given assignments---usually complex pricing calculations---under the supervision of an FSA, an actuary who has completed studies leading to her designation as a Fellow of the Society of Actuaries.

That is the other expectation of every actuarial student. Completing a series of courses---and the tough exams that follow---all leading to the FSA. One who does not reach that designation, or who repeatedly fails exams, will be invited to excel elsewhere.

I was beginning to fear that would be my fate.

One might think that would have been enough to get me off my ass, but my problem was not physical. I was borderline depressed.

Kent Murphy, who as chief actuary had hired me, had then been chosen by the Board of Directors as the new president. I hadn't had enough contact with him to know how kind he was. One day he stuck his head in the door and asked whether I had time to talk.

His presence there scared me.

"Jim, I've wanted to stop by and see how you're doing. My wife and I have been married for over thirty years, and I can't imagine what I would do if I lost her. I simply don't fully understand what you're facing.

"So, how are you doing? Honestly."

"I love my job, Kent, but I'm struggling."

"With the work assignments?"

"No, not directly. With focus. With concentration. Especially with drive. Energy."

We talked for a half hour. I was near tears, as was he. Finally, he asked me to call his secretary and hand him the phone.

"Trisha, I'm down in Jim Boyington's office and I need some Kleenex tissues. Could you find some and bring them to me?"

The last thing he said to me surprised me.

"Jim, I want you to succeed. You are a remarkable talent. I'm going to quietly look for ways to support you and help you get through this."

---[]---

A few days later, another actuarial student, Megan Wilson, knocked on my door.

"Jim, I've wanted to come and and express my condolences for weeks now. I can't imagine how tough this must be for you."

"Thanks, Megan. There's no way to prepare for it."

"I'm sure that's true... The real reason I'm here is the actuarial course and exams. It would help a lot if I had someone to study with. I hate to say this, but the other students are major geeks, but you look like an athlete. Did you play ball in college?"

"No, I'm not that good. My basketball days were in high school. Speaking of not looking like a typical actuarial student, though, what's your story?"

"I also played ball in high school, but I was way too short to play in college. I mean a girl who's 5'5" has to be blazing quick to play in college. I was only one of those."

I laughed.

"I can relate. I was 5"11' then---just over six feet now---but neither my shooting nor my ball handling landed me on anyone's recruiting list."

"Well, back to my real reason for coming to talk to you, it was to ask you to help me get through at least the first few courses and exams. Will you do that with me?"

I agreed to do that.

---[]---

We spend uncounted hours studying together and became good friends and passed our final exams four years later and received our FSA---Fellow, Society of Actuaries.

We talked often even after our study days were over, so I wasn't surprised two years later when she stood in my office doorway and asked whether I had a minute. We talked about a lot of things over the years. This one surprised me, though.

"Hey, Jim. Gotta minute?"

"For you---always. Come on in."

She sat across the desk from me.

"How long has it been now since Emily died?"

"Six years next month."

"Hard to believe it's been that long. I hope you don't mind my questions."

"Hey, we talk about everything."

"Well, I've avoided this topic until now. I know there was an autopsy. Did it nail down her cause of death? Is this too hard to talk about?"

"No, this is fine. Most people have heard of SIDS---Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Emily's death was attributed to SADS---Sudden Arrhythmic Death Syndrome. Adults who die in their sleep apparently due to a heart defect."

"I didn't know that was a thing,"

"Neither did I, but 200,000 people a year die of it in the U. S."

"Did it help you to know the cause of death?"

"It stopped the police theory. I was a 'person of interest,' as they say."

"No kidding?"

"I don't think it was ever very serious, but an unexplained death opens a can of worms."

"How are you doing now?"

"It's still a struggle."

"I want to ask something---I hope you'll be honest with me. Are you angry at God?"

I was wiping away a few tears.

"Honestly, I am still. Why did he allow her death, or perhaps cause it? Why Emily? She was such a good person."

"You were married, what? A few months?"

"It was three. We hadn't told anyone, but she was pregnant. She found out three days before she died."

"Oh, Jim! I'm so sorry."

"That adds to my anger with God."

"My mother died of COVID. One of the earliest deaths."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"There were a lot of people dying."

"Are you angry?"

"Not now. I was at first, though."

"Why did God allow all that suffering?"

"I struggled with the same question. I was angry, too. At first."

"How did you deal with it?"

"By choosing faith."

"I always thought one either had faith or didn't. I've never thought of it as a choice."

"It was for me. I had to be willing to admit the possibility of God first. To be willing to believe. I've tried to reduce my thoughts into what, for lack of a better word, I call axioms."

"These axioms are things you came up with?"

"Mostly."

"Megan, this deserves a longer talk, and I've got a programmer screaming about a flaw in a pricing lookup table. Could I take you to dinner tonight and talk more?"

"Sure. I don't know if they'll help you, but they've been transformative for me."

"May I pick you up, or do you prefer to drive?"

"If you don't mind, could you drive?"

---[]---

We went to a nice restaurant that was quiet enough to hear each other. It's always interesting to see a person you know well, but outside the context of work. Megan was cuter than I had noticed previously. Clothing and makeup were different than at work.

"Ok, tell me about your axioms."

We had ordered and I was curious.

"I'll tell you the first one, but I spent time coming up with them. I had to develop my thoughts on one before moving on, and usually deep thought led to another axiom. I think they only become meaningful through careful thought.

"My first axiom is that God not only thinks on a higher plane, but his thoughts encompass eternity. I have trouble thinking ahead for a few days with any accuracy, and all my experience is time-bound. Eternity is foreign to me but part of God's nature."

I was silent. Thinking.

"That has some profound implications."

At that moment, our food was served.

"I'll hold that thought."

When we finished eating, I returned to our topic.

"I've been angry with God because I can't understand why Emily died. Maybe I'm demanding to know what I'm not able to understand."

"Or cannot understand yet."

"Why do you call them axioms?"

"I assume them to be true. While I can point to rational reasons to believe, ultimately we each are confronted with the need for faith."

"That doesn't feel satisfying."

"I struggled with that, too. Then I discovered something that changed my life. When I chose to believe, I was filled with a feeling of peace. I don't know how to describe what I felt any other way."

"Why are you telling me this?"

I was surprised to see tears in her eyes.

"It's not a simple answer. On one level, I've worried about your anger with God. I picked up on it a few times. I've wanted to ask you about your anger for several years, but I hoped you would work through it."

"And the other level?"

"Jim, I'm attracted to you. The more we've worked together, the more I've wanted to get to know you better. I was afraid to even acknowledge that to myself while we were studying together, but now that you know about my feelings, I'm hoping you'll ask me out."

"I'd like that. We're not counting this as a date?"

"I think we should count it."

"Megan, I bought a house last year, and a few months ago I added a hot tub. Would you like to come over tomorrow night? We can sit in the hot tub and talk more."

"That sounds fun. What time?"

"Come over at six and I'll grill some steaks. Hot tub after. I'll text you my address."

That night, I thought a lot about Megan's first axiom.

---[]---

I left work a few minutes early and stopped at the store for some lettuce, steaks, potatoes and a bottle of wine. As soon as I got home, I put the potatoes in the oven.

Megan was a few minutes early, but that made me happy. I had looked forward to seeing her all day.

She was wearing a casual, summery dress and sandals. I loved her perfume.

"What can I help with?"

"How about setting the table?"

I pointed her in the direction of things as I prepared the steaks.

"How do you like your steak?"

"Medium rare, please."

Since the steaks were thick, I inserted the probe for my digital thermometer and set the alarm for 138 degrees. I knew from experience the steaks would reach about 145 as they sat for a few minutes.

"There's sour cream in the refrigerator."

I poked the potatoes with a fork. Very close. I turned off the oven.

After about 20 minutes, the alarm went off. I took the steaks off the grill and put them on the cutting board to rest.

"Jim, those smell wonderful. My mouth is watering."

"I hope you like them. I have a favorite dry rub that Emily showed me."

I had opened the wine, a local Cab I like a lot, and poured her a glass.

The steaks turned out well, and Megan asked to see the dry rub I used. Then she put her hand on my arm.

"Tell me about your thoughts from last night."

"Sure. I decided I'm willing to admit that God's perspective about Emily's death is different from mine, but that led me to thinking about purpose. Perspective seems static, but purpose gives direction."

"Wow. It took me at least a week to think about that. For me, it happened when I read a quote from C. S. Lewis:

Joy is the serious business of heaven.

"Of course, I needed to say it in my words: Everything God does is to nudge us toward eternal joy."

"I need to think that over. Let's get in the hot tub. I'll show you where to change."

I took our wine glasses out and was getting the tub ready when Megan came out. I had to concentrate not to stare. She wasn't merely cute, but stunning.

"I hope I don't offend you by noticing how beautiful you are."

She blushed.

"You like this better than my usual office appearance?"

"A lot better. I had no idea what you'd been hiding."

We got in and sat facing each other.

"Why did you choose the word 'nudge'?"

"Because I don't think God will ever force us. Even if it's in our best interest."

"What does he do? Invite us? How does he ask us to choose?"

"I think God has a lot of ways to get our attention. Have you ever run across the quote from Lewis about God's megaphone?"

"I don't think so."

"I think I have it here on my phone... give me a second... here it is:

We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

"But you and I both reacted to pain with anger. How is that helpful?... I guess I see that now, though. It's what led you to think about this."

"I'll admit it. Prior to my mother's death, I was comfortable. Lewis would have called me deaf."

"Well, that definitely describes me as well."

We sat in silence, both of us thinking.

"Back to nudging. Is it because choice is what's important?"

"I realized I don't change unless I choose to change."

"That's probably true about all of us."

"Jim, tell me about Emily. I've often wished I had known her."

Tears welled up in my eyes.

"She was the kindest person I've ever known."

I stopped there, and there was a long silence.

"She chose to be kind, didn't she? Isn't that what you want me to see? But she could have done so much good. Why not let her live and be a source of kindness? Don't we need more of that in the world?"

Megan moved over next to me and put her arm around me.

"I want you to listen carefully to something. My mother was 52 when she died. I labeled it a tragedy and thought of it as a life cut short. How old was Emily?"

"Twenty-five."

"A beautiful young bride, carrying your first child. Most people would see her death as tragic, but what if she had been ninety-five? Would you still call her death a tragedy?"

"No. That's a full life. There's a big difference."

"Is there?"

She allowed that question to hang there, unanswered.

"Your first axiom suggests an eternal perspective affects how we perceive time. But had she lived to 95, she would have had a lifetime of experiences."

"The difference between 25 years and 95 years, or between 52 and 95, is the tiniest of microseconds in eternity.

"Jim, babies die, as do people at every age of life. There are only three choices. Either God does not exist, or God is powerless to do anything about the things we call tragedies, or his love and his hope for us allow those things to happen. I heard someone say once we learn the most when we hurt the worst."

I was crying. Megan hugged me and kissed my cheek.

"You're still hurting.'

I just nodded my head.

"Every time I think I'm over hurting, this happens."

We sat in silence again.

"Megan, God only matters if this life is not all there is."

"Yeah, if we think this life is all there is, we are in every moment living on the edge of nonexistence, and nothing about God matters in the slightest."

I looked up at the stars and turned off the light in the hot tub.

"The stars are beautiful tonight."

"I know. I was staring up like this on a trip out to a desert area and realized the stars are beautiful every night. What changes is whether we see them, but they don't cease to exist if we refuse to look up."

That thought struck me hard. Was I guilty of not seeing because I refused to look?

"Do you have more axioms?"

"It's a work in progress."

"Just when I was ready to believe you had all the answers. Thanks a lot."

I turned to look at her, and we kissed. My first kiss in six years.

"Thanks, Jim. I've thought a lot about kissing you someday.."

We kissed again.

"I know you need to get home. We have work tomorrow. Too bad this week has a Friday in it!"

"We need to do something about that... Would you come to my home tomorrow and let me cook for you? Maybe afterwards we can stream something."

"Sounds great. What time?"

"Shall we say six again? Tomorrow night will you tell me about you? Parents, siblings, growing up, meeting Emily. Any or all of that?"

"Only if you'll do the same."

We went inside and changed. I found a plastic bag for Emily's swimsuit.

When we got to the door, she turned to me and we kissed again, only this time it was intense. Long and wet. I was hard.

"Wow, Jim. You're going to have me addicted to your kisses very soon."

As if to verify the truth of that assertion, she dropped her suit on the floor and kissed me with full concentration.

There was no doubt in my mind. There will be an even number of kissing addicts in this relationship.

---[]---

Work the next day seemed to drag by. Right after lunch, Megan walked in my open door and closed it behind her.

"I'm so distracted today! I keep thinking about you."

I was laughing.

"Did you discover a cure?"

"No. Only a fix."

With that, she walked around my desk and pulled my chair away from the desk and sat in my lap. She put her arms around me, and we kissed. When the kiss ended, she spoke.

"Wear a suit and tie tonight. Candlelight dinner."

She stood and walked to the door and opened it.

"Thanks for your help on my problem, Jim."

Then she was gone.

I texted her.

"I predict your fix will wear off soon."

My phone beeped.

An emoji. The one with dark sunglasses and big smile.

That evening, when Megan opened her door, I was wearing my suit... and dark glasses.

She started laughing, and I handed her a large bouquet of roses. Her eyes filled with tears.

"Oh my, you got to me with these flowers. Come on in the kitchen with me while I find a vase."

As I followed her, I stared. The short black dress, black stockings and stiletto heels made it impossible not to.

"Jim, you look quite handsome tonight."

"Well, if we walked into a restaurant together tonight, I could take off all my clothes and no one would notice."

"I would notice."

She turned bright red. I was laughing.

"I don't think I've seen you blush that intensely before."

"I had a visual of what you said."

She was fanning her face.

I kissed her on the cheek.

"May I help with anything?"

"Yes, you may sit down and look handsome."

Dinner was a Chicken Alfredo, but the showstopper for me was the realization she made the pasta. I also loved the salad dressing.

"What brand of salad dressing is that?"

"I made it."

"From a recipe?"

"No, I just used a basic vinaigrette and added some fresh raspberry juice, after straining out the seeds."

"And you also made the pasta. I'm guessing the Alfredo sauce was from scratch, too."

"I made both," she said, rather sheepishly.

"Please tell me you bought the chicken."

She laughed over that.

"All right, Megan, come clean. Where did you learn to cook?"

"After my sophomore year, I spent the next school year in a culinary school. I was actually half-way through my junior year if measured by credit hours. Then I came back and finished my math degree the next year."

"Did I just hear you say you got a B. S. in math in three years, and took a year off before your final year?"

"Yeah."

She said that with such endearing embarrassment!

"I've never asked, but you must be a year older than me. I'm 28."

"I'm only 27."

"How old were you when you started college?"

"I was 16. I turned 17, in February."

I was trying to work it out in my mind, but something was off.

"Why did it take you longer to get your FSA?"

She was looking down and shaking her head.

"Jim, are you done eating? Can I get you anything else?"

"No, I'm fine. It was delicious, but are you avoiding my question?"

"Can we go sit on the sofa? I'll fill in the missing pieces."

I sat down, and Megan sat next to me. I put my arm around her, and she put her head on my shoulder.

"You and Emily must have married in May, right?"

I nodded.

"I remember when she died. It was so shocking to everyone at the company. I hadn't met you, or maybe just briefly once, but I went to her funeral. A lot of us did.

"I remember worrying about you, that this awful event would derail your actuarial studies. I went to Kent and asked for permission to study with you and get you moving. I needed to ask him, because I had completed three courses by then and was ready to start another.

"I decided to offer to study with you to help you get past your grief and move forward. That first course was hard for you, wasn't it."

"Really tough. You dragged my ass through it."

"You made it, though. Weren't the others easier?"

I nodded.

"I could tell. But your score on the first exam was higher than when I took it the year before."

"Of course it was. You prepared me well."

"Then explain this. On our last four exams, your score was higher than mine."

"How do you know that?"

"You might not remember, but I asked you to logon and make sure all your courses and scores were recorded. I was looking over your shoulder."

"Obviously, you were distracted by my rugged good looks."

She started laughing as she wiped away tears.

"There's some truth to that."

"Hey, I was kidding!"

Megan got on her knees next to me on the sofa and hugged me.

"Perhaps you were kidding, but I wasn't."

She kissed my cheek and then put her head on my shoulder.

"Megan, you took an extra year, so you delayed that big salary bump on completion of the FSA, didn't you?"

"I did. It was worth it."

"Hey, tomorrow's Saturday. How about a picnic at the park tomorrow? Special rule for this one. We'll buy some takeout on the way. No cooking, just have fun."

"I like that. Are you picking me up?"

"How does 10 am sound?"

"Perfect, but we never got around to talking about ourselves."

"Tomorrow, sitting on swings."

---[]---

That's exactly what we did. We sat on swings, side by side, and talked about our childhoods, our parents and siblings.

"Tell me about your first girlfriend. Was it grade school or junior high?"

"Seventh grade. Kendra. We danced once, if you can call it dancing. It was more like rhythmic shuffling."

Megan was laughing.

"That's more serious than mine. I was in sixth grade and in love with a boy in my class. His name was Andrew, and he didn't know I loved him."

"Have you been in love since then?"

"I thought for a long time I wasn't interested in marriage."

"Now you are?"

"I've watched too many friends find wonderful happiness with another person and having children. I want that."

That Saturday marked the start of almost three months in which we were together at least twice every week.

That next week, however, included a pivotal moment. We were at Megan's house, streaming something. She picked up the remote and clicked pause.

I figured she needed to pee, but one look at her face suggested it was something else. She was crying.

"Jim, there's something I need to tell you before we get more serious. I'm scared to tell you this. Remember me telling you that for a long time I wasn't interested in marriage?"

"Sure."

"I avoided dating for a long time, so there were experiences I didn't have... Jim, I'm still a virgin."

"This is good to talk about. Since you can, do you plan to wait until marriage?"

"I think so. Are you ok with that?"

"You're not getting rid of me that easily."

She was crying when she hugged me.

"I was worried you might walk away."

---[]---

It was also that week when Megan and I went to tell HR about our relationship.

"So long as neither of you is a supervisor over the other, I'm comfortable with it."

We visited various city parks. One had only children's equipment. Other than the swings with the tiny bucket seats, we managed to play on everything else, especially Megan, with her tiny body. She brought wax paper and showed me the trick to go super-fast down the slide.

We tried out a shooting range, where I learned to be careful around her. She insisted she had never shot a gun. Although her first target was bad, she put 5 shots through the 4-inch circle or closer on her next.

We tried archery and both sucked. Megan found a place for axe throwing. I showed her the famous old video from Johnny Carson when Ed Ames showed Johnny how to throw a tomahawk. Megan laughed hard and then wanted a target like he had. The next axe she threw, I was standing beside her covering my crotch. When she noticed she laughed until she was wiping away tears.

---[]---

I called Mom and told her about Megan. She insisted I bring her to dinner that Saturday night. She said to tell Megan it was just family, so dress casually.

That Saturday night, Megan came to her door with a bottle of wine to give to my parents. She looked amazing, as usual. I finally realized she had started wearing her hair differently, but I didn't dare ask about it. I learned my lesson with Emily when I noticed a month after she got a new hairdo.

"Mom and Dad, this is Megan. And Megan, please meet my parents, Sharon and Doug."

We all hugged, and Megan gave Mom the wine, which she handed to Dad to open.

As we ate, everyone relaxed, but then Megan surprised me.

"All right, Sharon and Doug, I brought the wine to loosen your tongues. Tell me all about Jim. Things he would never have told me."

Oh boy. I knew I was in trouble.

"Well," said Mom. "When Jim was about seven, he climbed out his bedroom window onto the roof. He had an umbrella and decided to jump off the roof to see whether he could fly. Spoiler alert: he can't fly. What amazed me was he didn't break his leg."

"He did fracture his wrist."

"Thanks, Dad. Look, I'm a mathematician, not a pilot."

I don't know why I bothered. I was going down, and Megan loved every moment of it, as did my parents. We heard the one about me bringing home a dead cat, holding it by the tail, and telling Mom someone had thrown away their cat.

Mom even got out old photos. Geek central. Megan laughed a lot and leaned over against me. However, when Mom got out photos from my high school basketball team, Megan was impressed. She was even more impressed when she learned I was captain of the team, and we placed second in the state tournament my senior year.

We talked for a couple of hours, and eventually Megan mentioned she remembered my parents from Emily's funeral.

"Jim told us you rescued him that year."

"In some ways, I suppose that's true, but I loved spending time with him, so it wasn't entirely altruistic."

"Well, he sure thinks the world of you."

Thanks, Mom.

---[]---

About twice a week, Megan walked into my office and kissed me. Then, without saying anything, she walked out, leaving me at attention. All of me.

One night, sitting in the hot tub, we looked up at the stars. Megan was sitting next to me with her arms around my neck and her head on my shoulder.

"Megan, I've been thinking a lot, and I've realized two things. You told me you chose to believe. The more I thought about it, I decided it wasn't just choosing to believe but choosing to trust."

"I like that. It's stronger, more active."

"I know I've only taken small steps, but I also know part of that is your influence in my life, and that's the other thing I need to tell you: Megan, I love you."

"I love you, too, Jim. I think I've secretly loved you for a long time."

---[]---

I walked into Megan's office on Monday.

"I've come to invite you to join me for a formal dinner together at my home this Friday. I'll pick you up at 7 pm and bring you to my home, where dinner will be served at 7:30. Also, I want you to bring casual clothes to change into."

She was grinning from ear to ear.

"I'll be ready before 7. Did you also come down here to kiss me?"

I closed the door, walked over to the side of her chair and pulled her to feet. I kissed her as I ran my fingers through her hair. She was moaning.

Then I opened the door and left.

My phone buzzed before I reached my office. A smiling emoji with three hearts.

---[]---

I had already made careful plans. I rented a tux for that night. I also paid a visit to the local culinary school, and I bought an expensive bottle of wine. One last stop the prior week, and everything was ready.

Then midday on Thursday, our world fell apart---or certainly threatened to. It began with a call from Megan.

"Jim, can I come and talk to you?"

"Of course."

She sounded serious.

She came in crying.

"Jim, I don't know what to do. I've been offered a promotion."

"That's wonderful. What is it?"

"It's not wonderful. I've been offered the position of Assistant Chief Actuary."

"That sounds wonderful to me."

"Jim... that makes me your supervisor."

"Oh... Maybe they can be flexible about it."

"The president, Kent, made it clear. Either our relationship has to end, or you have to work in a different department or leave for another job with another company. The other alternative I thought of is I refuse the promotion."

"That seems unreasonable, but what did you say?"

"I tried to argue with him. I got nowhere."

"Where did you leave it?"

"He wants an answer tomorrow."

"Please tell him tomorrow is too soon for such a big decision. Tell him you'll let him know on Monday."

"But what are we going to do?"

"I'm going to ask the impossible of you. Put it out of your mind and trust me."

She smiled.

"Is either part of that possible?"

She wiped away her tears and walked over to me and kissed me.

"Jim, I can't walk away from you. We'll discuss it over the weekend, but breaking up is not an option."

---[]---

The next night, I parked in her driveway and walked up to her door. I was reaching for the doorbell when the door opened. Her eyes went wide, and she gasped.

"Jim, a tux? Wow, I've never seen you look so devastatingly handsome."

"Well, Miss Wilson, you look especially gorgeous tonight. I've also brought you this corsage to wear on your wrist. I don't see enough material to pin it anywhere."

She was wearing a different little black dress. This one began with tiny shoulder straps, crossing in back over an otherwise bare expanse of beautiful skin. A dress that ended mid-thigh. My body was reacting.

She held out her arm and I opened the box and placed the corsage on her wrist. Then she put her arms around my neck.

"My, my, Mr. Boyington, you are certainly sweeping me off my feet tonight. I guess we're not headed for the hot tub at any point tonight."

"No, we are not."

I opened the car door and helped her get in.

"I can't help looking tonight, Megan. You are stunning."

"Who told you not to look? I'm wearing this so you will."

As I approached my house, she noticed a large van parked to the side of my driveway.

"I know, you're kidnapping me in a carpeted van with dark windows and ropes to tie me down. Somehow, I knew that would happen one day!"

I laughed as I opened the front door. The two students I had met the week before were standing by the table.

Megan gave me one of those "What the hell?" looks.

"Megan, this is Tony, our chef tonight, and this is Ashley, who is doing double duty tonight, first as Tony's sous chef and now as our server."

Ashley was also wearing a little black dress, but more conservative. Megan still stole the show.

Tony bowed and went into the kitchen.

"Mr. Boyington and Miss Wilson, we are pleased you are dining with us tonight. May I present tonight's courses?"

Megan and I were seated side by side at the table, so Ashley handed us one card. It was written in a beautiful script font.

"They really did this beautifully," I thought to myself.

Ashley lit the arrangement of candles I had prepared and turned off the rest of the lights. Then she poured each of us a glass of wine. I bought an expensive Oregon Pinot Noir that week.

Megan's face was glowing. Not just from the candles. She was smiling but she appeared to be on the verge of tears. The happy kind.

Ashley brought out an appetizer she and Tony made. Crab-stuffed mushrooms. There were six.

Next came a bowl of Lobster Bisque. It was one of the best I'd ever tasted, so I was breathing a sigh of relief. Their instructor assured me they were good.

Next it was our entrees. Cornish game hens with wild rice and apricot stuffing. They had also drizzled what I discovered was an apricot glaze over each hen.

Megan took one bite and rolled her eyes.

"Jim, this is amazing! I'd ask for the recipe, but I'm guessing it would be rude."

When Ashley returned, I asked.

"Ashley, Miss Wilson would love to have the recipe for the Cornish game hens. Is that possible?"

"For you, Mr. Boyington, of course. I have an extra copy in the kitchen."

She retrieved it and handed it to Megan, who was wide-eyed over the whole thing.

After Ashley collected our plates, she returned with dessert.

"For dessert, our chef has prepared a Pistachio Tiramisu. I've served this on two of your plates Mr. Boyington, so Tony and I can pack up and leave. We'll let ourselves out through the garage. Thank you again for dining with us."

Megan tasted hers, put down her fork and stared at me.

"Ok, what's up? How did you pull this off?"

"Are you certain you want to peak behind the curtain?"

"Did you find them at the culinary school?"

"Are you disappointed they're not from a snooty place with Michelin stars?"

She stood and kissed my cheek.

"I love you, Jim. This is such an incredible evening."

"My dear, are you under the impression it's over?"

"There's more? I thought they left."

"While you finish your dessert, I'll start some music."

The playlist was queued up on my phone, so I pushed play and adjusted the volume. Romantic classical music.

I saw tears in Megan's eyes.

I stood and held out my hand.

"Come, my dear. We can finish dessert later. May I have this dance?"

We walked into the living room and danced. Megan danced well, much better than I, but she obviously loved the experience. There were tears in her eyes every time she looked up at me.

After three dances, I told Megan I would be right back. I went into the kitchen and poured two more glasses of wine and brought them back and handed her one.

"Let's toast."

"What are we toasting?"

"To us."

We touched our glasses and sipped the wine. She was incredibly emotional.

"Here, let me set that down for you."

I put the glasses aside and dropped to one knee in front of Megan as I held out a ring. Of course, the secret was out, so her hands covered her mouth and her eyes filled with tears.

"Megan, nothing has ever been clearer to me than knowing I want to marry you. I have known you for about six years and probably owe you for saving my career at a time when I was drowning. I thought I had lost the love of my life, only to discover that same kind of love for you. Will you marry me?"

She wiped away tears, then pulled me to stand. She threw her arms around me and pulled my neck down so she could whisper in my ear.

"I'm so happy, Jim. Yes, I'll marry you. Please put the ring on my finger."

I slipped it on, and the fit seemed good. Megan looked at it and threw her arms around me again.

"Jim, start the music again. I want to dance with my handsome fiancée."

We danced for about half an hour. Then we drank more wine.

"Jim are you going to be able to drive me home? You've probably had too much alcohol."

"I have, but I planned on that. If you will walk down that hall, look at the first door on the right."

She gave me another of those looks and walked down the hall. Then I heard her laughing. She came running back and hugged me. I had put a sign on the door: Megan's Room.

"You planned everything so perfectly. Is that why I brought casual clothes?"

"Did you look in the room? Turn on the light."

She returned and I soon heard more laughter. She returned with a set of PJs I had placed on her bed. She held up the top: "I belong to him."

"Do you have a matching set?"

"I do. Go look on my bed."

She came back with my top: "I take orders from her."

"This is perfect. It's nice you understand our relationship..."

She was going to say more but clouded up. I knew at once what it was: "our relationship." The promotion.

"Come here, Megan. Since the elephant is in the room, sit by me and let's talk. Better yet, since I think you should just stay here tonight, in your own bedroom, let's put on our pajamas and then talk."

A few minutes later, we were listening to the music, and I had my arm around her. She spoke first.

"I know what I'm going to do. I'll inform Kent and HR about our engagement. He can waive the relationship issue or find another assistant chief actuary."

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

"First, let me ask you a totally different question. We both want children, right?"

I told her I wanted several with her, that the thought of making love to her and getting her pregnant was sometimes all I could think of.

"Setting aside for a moment the question of how many, and assuming you can restrain yourself tonight, here's what I think. I may be able to balance my actuarial work with being a mother, but not supervisory responsibility on top of that. I think I want to be clear about that with Kent. No surprises for him down the road. I plan to tell him I won't be offended if he decides to promote someone else.

"Jim, I want to be a wife and a mother. If I can still work as an actuary, great, but not essential."

"That's a brave step to take. Are you sure about this?"

"I am."

"Jim, can we talk about something else?"

"When to marry?"

"Well, yeah, although that isn't what I was thinking about. You know you've never met my parents. Of course, my parents live in California--Sacramento area."

"We need to plan a trip there right away. Do you want to look into a trip next weekend? Leaving Friday afternoon?"

"I'll call Mom and make sure that works."

"What were you about to say before?"

"I don't want you to think I'm walking back on my desire to wait for our wedding night, but could I sleep in your bed with you tonight? I think we both need to know if either of us is difficult to sleep with."

"We can do that, but I hope we agree that's not a permanent arrangement. To me that's skating too close to the edge."

"You really are protective of me, aren't you? I don't know if you realize how wonderful you are."

"Come on. Let's get in bed and talk more. What side of the bed do you want?"

"This is your bed. What side do you sleep on?"

"The right side if I'm standing at the bottom of the bed."

"That works for me. I'll take the other side. Or maybe the middle part next to you."

When we got in bed, Megan came over to my side and I put my arm around her. She put her head on my shoulder and turned toward me as she put her arm across me.

"This feels nice. I guess it's obvious to you I've never slept next to someone. I could come to love this."

"You feel nice next to me. It's been a while."

"Jim? Tell me how you discovered there was a problem with Emily?"

"We made love the night before. When my alarm went off, I shut it off quickly so she could sleep longer. I looked over at her bare shoulder and kissed it..."

I couldn't finish.

"Was she cold? Is that what you discovered?"

I nodded my head.

"Oh Jim, that must have been a terrifying thing to discover. What an awful experience."

"Are you about to ask me what I learned?"

She was laughing.

"Not tonight. All I want tonight is to think about how much I look forward to our wedding."

"That's the difference between men and women."

"What is?"

"All I want tonight is to think about how much I look forward to our wedding night."

"Ok, that's what I was thinking."

"But that's not what you said."

"Ok. See if this is better. I can hardly wait for you to undress me, suck on my nipples, give me oral sex and enter me with that huge, hard cock."

"Is that from some romance novel?"

"My favorite author."

She broke some blushing records after she said all that.

---[]---

We had a lot of fun visiting Adriana and Stan, Megan's parents. I learned Adriana was born in Italy but came to the USA when she was four years old. She talked about her parents and how much she loved them for making a new life for their family in America.

"Tell me about Megan, when she was growing up. You must remember some great stories."

I could hear Megan groan. I smiled. What's good for the goose...

My favorite story was when the cat came in wet and Megan stuffed it in the dryer. She had watched her mother and knew how to turn it on. Fortunately, Adriana heard the dryer come on and heard the screeching noise the cat was making. She said the cat took off like a bat out of hell and no one saw her for 24 hours.

I learned Megan played soccer and was a defender, often middle back. Stan said she was really fast but couldn't kick the ball hard enough to be a consistent scorer, but with her quickness she could take the ball away from anyone.

Her parents had separate bedrooms for us, just as Megan had asked.

On the way home on the plane, we held hands. We were getting in late, so Megan was spending the night with me. She had brought clothes for Monday, so we could get up and get ready there.

I held her in my arms and kissed her. She fell asleep quickly.

---[]---

The next week, Kent asked me to come to his office. He welcomed me warmly and invited me to sit with him at a small round table in his office, away from his desk.

"Jim, as you know, I offered Megan the position of Assistant Chief Actuary, but she turned me down. She told me you're getting married, and I think that's wonderful. She also said she's marrying over her head."

I laughed.

"I don't know about that, but I'm definitely marrying over mine."

"I thought you might say that. My wife and I feel the same way about each other. I think it's healthy to feel that way about the person we marry."

He paused for a moment and looked me in the eyes.

"I didn't ask you here to visit about your marriage. Megan explained her priority is to be a wife and mother and hopes to balance that with her actuarial work. She didn't feel she could do justice to the Assistant role, and especially not the Chief Actuary position. At least not while your children are young. Then she said something remarkable.

"She said I would be making a mistake promoting her. She insisted you have a more intuitive feel for actuarial decisions than she does. She reminded me you had gotten B. S. degrees in Math and in Statistics. I looked at the records. You outscored her on just over half of the FSA exams.

"Jim, I've looked at your record. Megan was right. Everyone I've talked to sings your praises. That's why I'm here to offer you the Assistant Actuary position. You need to know, I am really looking for our next Chief Actuary after Chance retires.

"I still laugh when I think of his name. There have been so many jokes about having an actuary named Chance, and the best ones have been from him.

"Well, I got sidetracked. Chance plans to retire in four years. I'm hoping you're the leading candidate for the role."

"Thanks, Kent, but I have to ask. What about my relationship with Megan?"

"I've thought long and hard about that issue, and I've reached a conclusion. You didn't hire her, I did, so it isn't nepotism. As far as supervising her, I'm going to waive that restriction and HR agrees. I wouldn't do it if you were only dating, but marriage is different. The concerns about using the work environment to coerce someone into an unwanted relationship go away.

"I want Megan to work here as long as she wants to. She's too good to lose, so no one will be forced out of a job. She might be our Chief Actuary someday."

"Thanks, Kent. I'm honored that you've asked, and I accept. May I tell Megan what you just said about waiving the normal restriction?"

"I already have. Then I swore her to secrecy until you and I met. Go see her in her office. She's on pins and needles. By the way, I was ready to make that concession for her as well, but she turned me down for those other reasons."

I walked down to Megan's office and went in.

"Mr. Boyington, am I about to kiss the new Assistant Chief Actuary?"

"I think you'd better. I'm still in total shock."

She walked over and closed the door. We held each other for what seemed like a long time. Then we kissed.

"Thank you for recommending me."

"I only spoke the truth. He was wrong to offer that position to me instead of you. I would have accepted, mind you, but I can't commit to put those responsibilities ahead of being a wife and mother."

"I didn't even ask what the pay is."

"Oh, I know that. It's 50% more than you're being paid now."

"No shit?"

"No shit. That's a big raise, big boy."

---[]---

We had picked November 12th as our wedding date, and Mom had recruited Dad as her assistant planner. They were also talking to Stan and Adriana. Both Megan and I were busy with a new life insurance product and had little spare time. We wanted to finish our initial pricing before we married, so during our honeymoon the IT guys could load all the pricing tables and start running tests.

Once a week, usually on Friday night, we would go out for dinner, return home and stream something, or dance, and then sleep in my bed.

One night, we were in bed just a few minutes and were kissing. Suddenly, Megan got out of bed.

"I'm sorry, Jim. I'm feeling too horny tonight---probably because of my cycle. Please don't feel hurt, but I think I need to sleep in my bed tonight. Would you mind driving me home?"

"Did I do something?"

"No, not at all. This is totally about how weak I feel tonight. I crave what we promised we would wait for. I've discovered saying I want to wait for marriage was easy when marriage wasn't on the horizon. Now that I'm crazy in love with you, I want your body."

"You know I love you."

"I do, and I wouldn't feel tempted this way tonight if I weren't absolutely crazy about you."

"Would you like to sleep in Megan's Room?"

"I'm afraid I would just come back in here."

I drove her home. Four nights later she asked if she could spend the night again. She said her crisis had passed---she hoped---and she missed falling asleep with my arms around her.

---[]---

We finished our pricing tables and did some manual tests on each other's tables, then turned them over to IT. It was two days before our wedding.

We were sitting in my office talking when Kent stuck his head in the door.

"I just talked to the guys in IT and learned they have all your pricing tables. They were moaning about how much work it's going to be for them. I have no sympathy."

"Listen guys. Get out of here. I don't want to see you for the next---what is it? Sixteen days or so?"

"About that. Thanks Kent. I think we'll take you up on that."

"I wasn't aware I had made it optional."

With that he smiled and left.

"Well, Miss Wilson, the next time you work, you'll be Megan Boyington."

"I'm hoping I'll be pregnant Megan Boyington. I've never been on birth control, and I just had my period. My little episode recently was at the peak of fertility. Hormones kick in and my body screams out for impregnation. I should be that way again on our honeymoon."

"That's nice timing."

"I thought so. It was your mother who asked about my cycle and suggested a wedding date---more importantly, the dates on which your job will be to fill me with baby makers."

"I plan on rising to the occasion."

That made her laugh.

"Can I sleep over tomorrow night?"

"Sure. Behave yourself."

That night before our wedding was sweet. We lay in bed, both of us too excited to sleep. We talked about baby names. I grabbed my iPad, and we looked at the lists together.

Suddenly, we were both exhausted and fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later with Megan spooning me and her arm around me.

The next morning, Megan got up while I was still sleeping and made both of us breakfast. We sat at the island in the kitchen.

"I had a thought last night. Something we haven't talked about."

"Sex?"

"Yeah, well specifically positions."

"Is it normal for me to feel a little scared?"

"Probably. It's a big unknown for you."

"It's not just that. I had an appointment with my Ob/Gyn last week. You get to pop my cherry. That's the part that worries me."

"Honey, I'll be careful and the pain you have will pass quickly. I know we've bandied this word around a lot, but... trust me."

---[]---

Much of our wedding was a blur. Her parents were there, standing with us in the receiving line. I was amazed at how many people came to see us, but all I remember clearly was how happy I felt.

Since we knew the reception would end too late for us to catch a flight to Europe, and we didn't want to spend our wedding night on a plane, we were spending our first night at the Hyatt Regency. I carried Megan into our room, and we stood and kissed. I could tell she was nervous.

"Sweetheart let's have fun tonight. There's no rush. We have all night to enjoy together."

She put her head on my chest.

"I know, but I'm a curious mixture of scared and aroused."

"Do you want to get ready in the bathroom? You should take a hanger so you can hang up your dress."

While Megan was there, I was busy getting the room ready. I looked outside, and the lights of the city were bright enough to light the room dimly, so I pulled the drapes open.

When Megan opened the door, I was sitting in bed wearing a hotel robe. I stood and went to her. She was wearing a sheer white gown over a bra and thong set.

"Jim, I love you. Can we get into bed?"

"Of course! Come on and let's get comfortable, but first, may I remove your gown now?"

"If I can see under your robe."

She pushed it off me and blushed. I wasn't wearing anything else.

I have no idea how I would have removed the gown from her after we got in bed. Plus, with it gone, there was a lot of exposed skin available to kiss. That's what I was soon doing, and I could feel her relaxing.

We were touching and exploring. I kissed her neck and caressed her breast. I pushed her bra aside to explore and taste her breasts and nipples as she groaned, twisting her body in response to the wave of pleasure.

She was moaning and I kept igniting fires until I settled between her legs, pulled her thong aside, and kissed her. Her hands held my head there.

"Oh, Jim! That feels so good."

I licked and she cried at the sudden pleasure. I reached up her body and gently squeezed a nipple, which ignited her first orgasm of the night.

As she relaxed again, I kissed her tender flesh, sought out her clit, and gently pushed a finger inside her.

After a couple of minutes, a larger orgasm rolled through her body. This time I moved up and positioned myself at her entry. That got her attention.

"Babe... I want you. Please."

I moved slowly into her as she gasped. Back and forth, ever so gently, until I found her barrier. As I paused there, I lowered my head far enough to take a nipple in my mouth and suck on it gently.

"Please... please, Jim... take me."

I pushed through and she cried out in pain. I stopped and kissed her.

"I love you, Megan. Let me know when I can move again."

After about half a minute she nodded. I pushed slowly all the way into her, and she cried out. This time it wasn't due to pain.

I pulled almost all the way out and slowly descended deep into her again. With each thrust, she cried out. Her arms clung to my back, pulling me into her as I thrust. I felt her roll her pelvis to meet me.

"Oh, baby, I love this!"

I increased my speed when I felt the impending eruption and pushed deep into her as I exploded with a loud groan. The pulsing of my cock, pushing cum into her, slowed gradually, until I relaxed on top of her.

After a few minutes, I raised my head and gazed into my wife's smiling face.

"Are you ok?"

"I'm more than ok. Jim, that was amazing. I never imagined anything that wonderful."

"There is something wonderful about a first time, but I think entering you will feel wonderful whether it's the first or the hundredth time."

"All I know is that hard cock of yours feels amazing inside me... Can I touch it?"

"Of course!"

I rolled to her side, and she reached down to find my slippery cock. I pushed the covers down so she could see.

"Wow, it's big. That was inside me?"

"Yes, but when it was bigger."

She was caressing my cock and my balls.

"Can we make love again?"

"Twist my arm. Same way, or a new position?"

"Same way. I loved looking into your eyes, and I want that again."

After we made love again, I suggested we go to the shower and "hose ourselves down." I used those exact words, and Megan giggled.

"Besides, you need to experience shower sex."

"That's a thing?"

"You are so wonderfully naïve."

Forty-five minutes later she was no longer naïve---at least about that. I had picked her up, cupping my hands under her butt as she instinctively wrapped her legs around me, and fucked her against the wall of the shower. She screamed when I entered her, then bit my shoulder as I pounded her.

"Baby, I've heard about other positions, but what do you like?"

"I love any position that ends up with my cock in your pussy."

She blushed at that, grinning.

I talked about doggy, basic and advanced forms, as I put it, like from behind in the shower, or over the arm of a sofa or spread out on a dining table. I explained how it was a dominant position for me, and subservient for her, and that cowgirl was mostly opposite of that.

"Oh, both doggy and cowgirl allow me deeper penetration. I control depth with doggy, and you control it with cowgirl."

All the while, she was fanning her face and blushing.

"Can we try doggy?"

"Let's start with the most basic position. Get on your hands and knees on the bed and present yourself to me."

She loved it. It goes without saying I loved it, too.

"You know, you could be getting me pregnant tonight."

We made love again in the morning and then drove home, parked my car, and called an Uber. A few hours later we were on the way to Rome.

We spent four nights in Rome, mostly in our hotel room, and then took the train to Venezia. We had splurged on the hotel there, the Nolinski Hotel. It was not far from the Grand Canal and had a 360-degree view from the rooftop pool.

Megan and I loved getting on a water taxi, getting off a stop later and exploring for a couple of hours. We walked a lot there. While we liked Rome, we got tired there. We loved the evenings in Venice, after most tourists left.

From there, we flew to Florence, which we loved the best. It was a magnificent city, and we had a wonderful time.

We probably made love almost every night of our honeymoon. I discovered that Megan had an insatiable appetite when she ovulated. The night she was at her peak desire, our room had a dining table. I put it to its highest use as she lay on her back and clung to the edges. She was loud that night.

---[]---

On our return to work, Megan was thrilled to see her new name plate and business cards. They even issued her a new email address and forwarded her old one to the new one.

I had a new office, a larger one, and Megan was a frequent visitor. One day she walked in, closed the door and sat on my lap. Then she handed me a pregnancy tester. Positive. We hugged and cried.

I couldn't help but flash back to when Emily told me, and how excited we were. We hadn't even told our parents before she died.

This time, Megan and I made a video call with all four parents to announce we were going to have a baby. I loved her mom.

"Wait, Megan. I thought you weren't going to have sex."

Megan turned a bunch of shades of red while I wiped away tears from laughing.

It was silly to react the way I did, but every morning I woke up and checked to make sure she was warm. After a few days, she realized what I was doing, and after that she made a point of setting her alarm early and kissing me awake.

One day Kent dropped by and sat across the desk.

"Do you know yet whether it's a boy or girl?"

"A boy, due August 11th."

"That's wonderful. I'll never forget the birth of our daughter. A magical moment."

---[]---

Her pregnancy seemed to fly by, although I knew better than to say that to her. She had a few weeks of morning sickness, then fatigue, then the increasingly large baby inside her. I got to feel our son kick one night. That was a surreal moment. My hand didn't hurt, but her bladder did.

Sex got less comfortable for her, but she tried heroically to make it up to me with blowjobs. I kept telling her we were in it together, but she was adamant, so I went down on her. She said the orgasms relaxed her.

What I will never forget was standing by her, holding her hand and mopping her brow as she delivered Matthew. When I saw him, my eyes filled with tears. I thought of Emily. I wasn't angry, just sorry for her having missed out on such joy. I felt that again as I watched Megan nurse Matt.

As I stood watching them, I had a thought. I loved Emily with all my heart. I still do. I also love Megan with all my heart and I'm sure I'll feel that way about Matt and other children we have. Unlike our possessions, which must be divided up to give them to others, there is no division needed for love.

Megan shared her love with me. She taught me to look up.