Problematic Priorities

Problematic Priorities

Marc looked at Marie from across the kitchen table. It was all he could do to not vent his frustration. They'd been having far too many of these conversations and nowhere near enough time reveling in each other's company. What kind of an engagement was this? Marc wasn't going to let her escape the talk this time.

He remembered a happier time. The dating was great a timeout from their busy schedules. Moving in together took it to another level. Their engagement was wonderful. The curtain fell when they chose a wedding date more than a year out. A new normal set in that he hadn't liked from the start. The new norm was gaining momentum, which was especially bad as Marc didn't even like its direction.

Oh, how he wished they were sharing a drink while entwined on the patio instead of having this talk. Marc started in, "Marie, I'm proud that your partners and clients trust you with their secrets. But your job still isn't national security. I don't need to know their secrets, but I want to come first in your life. I'll make allowances and trust you, but I have to have that standing. If not, I'm not only giving a lot more than I'm receiving, but I'm also building on a false premise. Bad foundations fail."

"How can you say that?" Marie looked at him incredulous and a little impatient. He'd been bringing this topic up more frequently. Why wouldn't he leave it alone. Marc was career minded too, why wouldn't he accept these facets of her career?

Marc drew his thumb through his eyebrow trying not to show his frustration. "Hmm, let me put it this way. I don't think we have to love each other the exact same amount. Perhaps one of us is more emotive or has a higher capacity for love. But the top propriety needs to be there for each of us, the ranking needs to be the same. We both must try to love the other as absolutely best we can."

Marie looked at him with an expression that said, "Aren't we?"

Marc tried not to sigh, "I love you tremendously," He explained further, annoyed at her confusion, "But if it turns out I love you a lot more than you love me the relationship won't work. In fact, if I know you don't care for me that much, I'm a fool to pursue our relationship to the extent I want."

Marc intimating that he may be better off leaving, cut off Marie's growing anger off at the knees. She was upset thinking he didn't feel she could love him like he wanted, now she realized he needed to believe it, not just her. He wasn't being accusatory as much as confronting the terrible possibility his chosen spouse may not be as into him as he thought. She understood that if he truly believed that it would be an almost insurmountable obstacle. She felt the game field shift.

Her voice softened, "How can I convince you?"

He'd had it with her walking out of the room when the phone rang or asking him to pull over so she could exit the car if her office called while they were driving. "As I said, I really don't want to know other's secrets, I sure don't want them knowing mine. Some say that, but I mean it. But if I asked you, I would expect you to tell me."

"You know I can't, there's confidentiality ..."

"Bullshit," Marc said without malice but with complete conviction.

Marie was brought up short. Marc hadn't just dismissed what she thought an inviolable law but told her it didn't even exist as a bad law.

His lips pursed before he hunched his face a little closer to her, "Let me spell it out. You are the most important thing in the world to me. If your office talk rises to a greater significance than I do, we have no future."

Before she could object, Marc added, "Let me give you a direct example. If you're saying your father has a secret condition, great, I don't need to know it. Unless I walk in his house and find him convulsing on the floor. Believing he has less than five minutes before he expires, I call you. I expect you to tell me what to do to save his life. To keep his condition secret and let him die would be ludicrous. To me that seems obvious.

"But if you don't trust me with the answer then I expect you to tell me where the mistrust lay. Whether it was with the information, your father, or me. If it's the last, can you really imagine our continuing to stay in each other's company? In a different scenario if it came down to a decision of having to equally disappoint either your father or me, it clearly needs to be the father and never the husband! The husband and wife are mates, there can't be anything stronger."

Marc cocked his head a little adding, "If that same choice came between your family and your employer, I'd expect you to choose your family. Once again, we're not talking national or global security. The lives of millions aren't in the balance." He smiled encouragingly, "Do you see?"

"Yes. I get it." But Marie was really pondering. "I would choose to tell you!" She confirmed, very pleased with the outcome.

But Marc wasn't relieved, dismayed she'd had to think about it at all. He started slowly,

"I hope you love your father more than your clients or partners. If you want me to give you everything I am, then I can't have you feeling any, "I've known them longer or promised them" type reservations floating in your head. We are either the top priority to each other, or we aren't."

Her stomach turned. Marie felt compelled to explain, "I can't think of why I wouldn't tell you. But I, er we, shouldn't be flip about it. Breaking confidences is pretty abhorrent to me."

Marc didn't bother to hide his frown, "In the past I've had to deal with real world consequences of your play-world solutions. Don't hold as the "holy of holies" something I've seen as completely contrived. It's regular business info, it's not saving lives."

Marie ground her teeth. She worked in high finance. Financial information was private. If information was leaked it could change lives. But Marc wasn't asking to know clients bank account numbers and he'd be the last person on earth to tap those accounts if he did know. He'd been honest saying he didn't want to know. Marie acknowledged her firm did take extreme measures keeping their cards very close to their vests.

Marie's thoughts raced to the couple's worst instance of dealing with those extremes. They were taking their first vacation together after having gotten engaged. She'd buckled down as Marc still had a year of residency left. They both worked hard but had always cleared the docket when it was time to focus on each other. They were two hours into a five-hour drive starting their vacation when the call came in. Marc didn't think she should have taken the call at all, asking if there were any other adults who worked at her firm. She'd bristled not understanding the depth of his displeasure until later. She never considered not taking the call. Worse, she wouldn't take the call in front of him.

Marie made Marc pull over at a rest stop where she exited the car to hold the phone conversation at a fairly distant picnic table, holding up their vacation for half an hour. Twenty minutes later she'd walked away from the table with the phone glued to her ear after Marc tired of sitting in the car and approached her. The delay threw off their timing, plunging them into heavy traffic they had originally been early enough to avoid. The entire episode made them ninety minutes late to their destination. Costing them what should have been a lovely session of making love followed by drinks on a fantastic overlook while awaiting a fabulous dinner. The delay even lost them the special table Marc had reserved on the edge of the overlook that night.

Marie's actions made for a tense start to what should have been a lovely trip. Digging in her heels that her actions were appropriate made the dinner situation worse than it should have been. Marc had gone way above and beyond doing that for her. She'd looked like she didn't appreciate anything he'd done for her.

Marie knew that Marc had "cleared his desk" to prioritize this time for her. Her behavior wasn't just an illustration that she hadn't done the same, it threw his preparations made in her honor back in his face. Marie could see where it might have sown the seeds that she felt her desk was too important to ever be cleared. She'd shown him a real time demonstration of putting her job over them. She swallowed hard.

"My job is who I am," Marie stated with a hint of pleading.

Marc didn't hesitate, "Nope. I see a lot more to you than your job. A lot more. Your sense of priorities is worrying me. Frankly, it sounds like you're saying that your job is not only more important than you are, but that you and it are more important than me." He smiled, "I think you are more important than me, but I need you to think I'm more important than you. See? That's the set of priorities I need. That's how we're equal. Except I see you thinking that I'm not as important as you. Frankly, that I'm not very important period."

"Um. Ah ..." Marie was stuck.

Marc forced a change in his demeanor, seeming playful now. "Okay, don't tell me who, but what is the worst secret of your most important case? Don't tell me anything that would let me identify it, just the factoid."

She hoped her tongue hadn't rolled out of her mouth with the rapid dropping of her jaw. "I-I can't do that," she blurted it out. She saw the edge to his question now, she needed to consider it.

Both disappointed and frustrated Marc announced, "You see, we have an impasse."

"Impasse?!"

Marc did sigh now, "Yep, how can we build a future when we're on completely different pages? I'm ready to change my life my plans, my priorities, and perspective for you, while you won't give me trivia that can't be applied to anything. This is very one sided."

"What? Wait, wait, wait..." Marie was having real trouble accepting what her fiancé was saying. The biggest problem was accepting that he may be right.

Marc tried again, hoping to drive the problem home, "What's the worst secret one of your partners has?"

"What? That's private and ..." Marie saw she'd failed an important test. "You wouldn't have let me tell you if I tried, would you?"

Marc shook his head, "Nope. I just had to know where I stand. It's clear it's more acceptable to disappointment me than your partners. You'd keep their secrets from me. They're more important in your estimation than I am. Face it, you're already in a dedicated relationship with your job. I'm just a human dildo to keep you happy in bed and take you to dinner -- if convenient. Perhaps I could live with that for a while if I'd understood it going in. Though I doubt I'd ever put up with it because your firm doesn't come anywhere near close to needing that level of security or your level of devotion. And my entering a relationship like we're talking about is a limited time engagement. Basically, something to substitute for a social life while getting through a tough semester of residency."

"I-I would keep your secrets from them!" Marie earnestly offered.

Marc's expression showed she'd failed again. Marie had tried to elevate his position, making it sound like Marc and her firm partners were on even footing. It shouldn't have been close. She closed her eyes; a mate should supersede. Holy cow, had she really rated his importance below that of her partners?

Marc didn't raise his voice but let his disappointment show, "Damn it, baby, you deal with business and money, mostly to cover the tracks of the quasi dishonest. I often deal with life and death. I didn't think what I did was more important, but certainly never thought it was less. I'm willing to point out to you who the good guys and bad guys are. Who the phonies and pretenders are. Except I'm not sure you want to know.

"You ARE putting office politics above me. My secrets and theirs should never be close to equal to you. I'm telling you I will never betray you, and you're telling me you will never be loyal to me."

Marie was breathless, "T-That's an exaggeration."

"Yes, of the ugly pattern. For you and me to be one, you can't be part of them to the degree you are. There must be a known hierarchy. I need to be at the top. If I was, I'd know it and require no proof. But I can also tell I'm not; it appears I'm nowhere close. I've put a lot more energy, more thought, and more hope into the idea of "us". I think you've basically penciled me into your appointment book as the guy you'll live your life with, but at the level of an ancillary appointment like taking a coffee break or having lunch. I certainly don't rank with those closed-door meeting around the big table in the conference room."

Marie watched the frustration infused his features as she searched desperately for anything to counter Marc's vision of their relationship.

Marc beat her to the line, "Hell, you don't want a mate. Maybe a dog. No, that's too much commitment, maybe a cat or a goldfish. But I love you. When I told you so earlier you told me you love your job, even saying it defines you. I'm ready to redefine myself with you. You ARE the most important tenant of me. So, let's try something."

Marie could tell Marc was busy building bridge after bridge to her then watching as each combusted as she continued to play with matches.

"W-What?" Marie stammered, worried at what was about to happen. Her mind raced asking her why she would ever be worried about what was going to happen next with the man she wanted as her mate? She couldn't answer that one either. She was drawing far too many blanks.

Marc conveyed the importance, "I don't want to be a jerk, except for me THIS is life or death. If you ARE willing to commit to me, I need an example. I need something to believe in."

Marie's worry grew.

"I won't ask you to betray your friends," Marc added defeated.

Marie realized she relaxed at those words. That was an awful tell.

Marc tried to sound happy as he offered, "Let's get out a map of the country. Let's throw darts."

"What?" Marie hated being this confused. She was never this confused.

"We'll take the point closest to the center between where our darts stick."

"W-Why?"

"You don't need to betray your business partners, just leave them. I'll pull up stakes too. Both of our work skills travel well. We'll have to rely on each other to reestablish ourselves. But we'll do it as the top focus for each other."

"What?" she determined that if she had to ask the word "how" she was going to scream at herself.

"We'll move to where the darts average."

Marie was stunned at what Marc had just proposed, "I-I don't want to move away! I have family and traditions here. I even love the flora and fauna!" Surprisingly she found she was running out of steam on what she'd believed was a long list.

Marc was steely. It looked like he was guarding himself. What had she done?

He cleared his throat like he was choked up, not like he was addressing a crowd. That wasn't a good sign either.

"Babe, you're so consumed at work that you don't see your family, you skip their traditions with regularity. You also seem completely unimpressed with creating new traditions. As far as flora and fauna, I've never seen you listen to a bird singing, and you never ever stop to smell the roses."

Marie studied Marc closely knowing she'd misfired again, "That's not the most important point, is it?"

"Do you remember all the things you just listed?" Marc asked heartbroken but not mad. That made it horribly worse. Marie felt his heart breaking and just kept listening. She was disgusted with herself. No. She was ashamed and knew what was coming.

"Well, maybe write a few down. You like the leaves here. And all the other stuff, and especially your job. So, print off a few copies of what you just told me. And when people ask what happened to that man who loved you more than any other, you give them a copy and tell them, "This is a partial list of all the things I loved more than him."

Marie saw Marc wasn't just heartbroken but humiliated. And contemptuous of himself for falling in love with a woman who just told him she liked the texture of the leaves here more than the man she wanted to marry. She wondered if her job truly defined her. That seemed insignificant now, but she feared the real answer was even less substantial.

Marc stated, "I'm going to be honest with you one last time. Get out of that job, its toxic. It's full of self-important prigs. I'll be a doctor soon. Your client lists are full of people like I'm going to be, but it seems I don't become important to you until I land on that list of clients. So much for our names on that wedding license; I mean more as a client than as your "insignificant other.""

"Wait. You're going to be honest with me "one last time?" Are you ... breaking up with me?"

Disappointed and sullen Marc answered, "No, that's something I can't do. I can't because I finally see you've never let into a relationship deep enough to breakup from. It was all wishful thinking on my part." He looked down, he didn't look back up as he finished, "I think I've humiliated myself enough. Take care of yourself, Marie."

Marc rose, left the room, and then the apartment. Marie knew he'd be back to collect his things. But he'd never be back like before. He'd offered chance after chance, and she hadn't come close to meeting him halfway.

Marc was gone; he had his priorities.